News-Record.com

All right, I'm officially the last person on earth to make himself a Simpsons Avatar.

I am now turning out the lights and closing the door.

Like a lot of writers and reporters, I live on caffeine. Call it a crutch, addiction, food group -- it's what gets me through.

I'm not much of a coffee guy -- largely because I find my mouth tastes like it all day long, even if I brush my teeth. Soda is, of course, terrible for you. Full of sugar. But, I've always reasoned, a Coke was probably equivalent to a cup of coffee as a caffeine delivery system.

Oh, man was I wrong. A recent piece by New Science writer Janet Raloff reports on an Auburn University study of how much caffeine is in which kind of soda (and they documented just about every one). There are some real surprises.

This video is absolutely mesmerizing.

Some of my favorite television shows are on DVD now -- or coming soon.

Flight of the Conchords, Season 1 will come out November 6. If you've been under a rock or something and haven't yet experienced New Zealand's fourth most popular folk parody duo, get thee to YouTube. Then buy the DVD of this series, which asks, among other philosophical questions: "Why can't a heterosexual guy tell a heterosexual guy that he thinks his booty is fly?"

No word on what extras will be available on the DVD yet -- but I am betting it will be so beautiful it could be a high class prostitute.

The first season of 30 Rock is out this week. This show lives every week like it's shark week and does not believe in one way streets -- not between people, or when driving.

Also, Tina Fey is hot with several t's.

Also out this week - It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia, Seasons 1 & 2. Buy it because you'd forgotten how funny Danny Devito is. Get hooked because this show is completely out of its mind.

Heroes isn't often intentionally funny -- but, like Lost, it will suck you in. Also like Lost, I find it's better to watch in big chunks (like the complete first season DVD) than dripped out every week, with a break now and then, trying to remember all of the threads from week to week. Watch this over the summer and you'll probably find yourself tuning in for the new season, though...

Well, this is the painful part of being an early adopter, or "heat seeker."

New iPods -- more features for less than you paid for your old one.

Same iPhone for $200 less than you paid for it when it came out.

I know people who buy things as soon as they're available do so because they can't help themselves, because they love the thrill of having something first, because they don't WANT to wait for the better, cheaper model that will be coming along right around the time the warranty on their model expires. I've certainly done it myself. But man...if I'd bought one of the last wave of video iPods right when they came out or (especially) an iPhone I think I'd feel like something of a sucker.

Scientist Stephen Hawking has penned a children's book with his daughter Lucy.

No, I'm not kidding.

I give you... "George's Secret Key to the Universe".

Put it on your bookshelf next to "A Brief History of Time" (which you never actually read) and "A Briefer History of Time" (which you also gave up on).

Lately I've been listening to Spoon's new record, Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga, a lot.

Like, obsessively.

When I'm not listening to it, I'm singing songs from it to myself and dancing around as though I was in an iPod commerical.

It's become embarassing.

The single "I Turn My Camera On" is pretty addictive.

Not completely unrelated -- Bruce Springsteen's video for the single "Radio Nowhere" from his forthcoming album with the E-Street Band is now online. It sounds like...something. But I don't know what. I like it, though.

Am I the only one who thought this study might have been a waste of money?

LONDON (Reuters) - Rock stars -- notorious for their "crash and burn" lifestyles -- really are more likely than other people to die before reaching old age.

A study of more than 1,000 mainly British and North American artists, spanning the era from Elvis Presley to rapper Eminem, found they were two to three times more likely to suffer a premature death than the general population.

Between 1956 and 2005 there were 100 deaths among the 1,064 musicians examined by researchers at the Centre for Public Health at Liverpool John Moores University.

Also in the realm of "duh" from the study: More than a quarter of all the deaths were related to drugs or alcohol abuse.

Wow. Props to Apple CEO Steve Jobs, who has announced a $100 Apple Store credit to anyone who bought an iPhone when it was released.

This comes in the wake of the announced $200 price drop just two months after the product was released.

Said Jobs in his statement:

"..even though we are making the right decision to lower the price of iPhone, and even though the technology road is bumpy, we need to do a better job taking care of our early iPhone customers as we aggressively go after new ones with a lower price. Our early customers trusted us, and we must live up to that trust with our actions in moments like these."

I'm strangely ambivalent about Britney Spears, her new single and her upcoming performance at the MTV Video Music Awards.

The new single, "Gimme More" begins with Britney announcing "It's Britney, b**ch!" -- and then giggling girlishly.

She then moans/sings lines like "You've got me in a strange position/if you're on a mission/you've got my permission."

Which might have been intriguing five years ago. But we've now seen her pregnant, bald, swinging at photographers, marrying backup dancers and walking barefoot through gas station bathrooms. Any mystique that once existed is gone forever and the new single seems almost like a parody of a Britney Spears song.

As I've written about before, part of Britney's incredible success was the way in which she so successfully straddled that ever-thinner line between innocent bubble gum pop princess and wanton, hardcore pop whore. The whole wet hot virgin thing was not new -- but she did it so transcendently well that even the most savvy of us had to wonder, as Chuck Klosterman did in a classic piece for Esquire -- was she the least self-aware person on the planet, or the most self-aware?

The Video Music Awards could be a triumphant return for Britney -- someone I know has a theory that she's been so successful because so many people are, deep down within themselves, pulling for her to succeed despite her own ridiculousness. The further she falls -- marrying K-Fed, having two of his children and then leaving them at home to go panty-less clubbing with Paris Hilton -- the more we want her to, like Hulk Hogan, come back from the depths and be our hero once again.

But as a fellow reporter said to me today -- this could also be just an awful embarrassment. She's been through a lot since her last album and tour -- a marriage, two children, rehab -- and those who care on more than a voyeuristic, will-she-make-a-fool-of-herself level, may be expecting the young, hot dancing machine sexpot of a half-decade ago. We may instead get the modern version of Elvis' Live from Hawaii special -- a pop icon past whose pop moment has past, well beyond the peak of their powers, begging for people to care again but clearly consigned to a sort of post-stardom that can only ever bottom out in a sort of cut-rate cult fame that will never really compare to the heady thrill of new, young fame.

Her new publicity shots do have her looking a bit like a drag queen...

Which brings me to an interesting point.

I've noticed that gay men have become the latter-day bread and butter of many a faded female pop star (Cher, Madonna, Cindy Lauper, Debbie Harry). Some of the young women who grew up with the music will always have a soft spot for these pop divas -- but for whatever reason (pop stars' flamboyance, the fact that some drag queens like to dress like them, take your pick) gay guys seem to be the retirement plan. None of these women are gay themselves -- but they've all become "gay icons."

Not a bad deal, really.

So maybe the question is -- will Britney use this upcoming performance and upcoming album to keep herself in the mainstream pop spotlight a while longer (as her idol Madonna has managed to do) -- or is she headlining the next Gay Games?

So, apparently Eddie Griffin's set at a Black Enterprise event was ended when he used profanity and (gasp!) "The N Word."

Hey -- it's their event and they can do what they like. But you might want to fire your entertainment director if he hired Eddie Griffin and thought he wasn't going to say nig...um.."the N-Word."

Had none of these folks ever seen Eddie Griffin's standup? Or any of his movies? He's sort of a third-rate Chris Rock (another comic who would, in all likelihood, have used the N-word without apology to anyone) and his comedy is usually racy and racial.
(Clip from Griffin's stand up below, strong language)

I don't like the N Word. I don't use it. But in comedy and satire -- particularly comedy and satire with a racial component, which is often Griffin's thing -- you have to make some allowance for its use.

Lenny Bruce famously (and brilliantly) advocated the use of the word (and other racial slurs) as a means of taking power from the word. If the president went on TV and used the word a hundred times, he said, it would lose its power completely. Consequently, no redneck could ever make a little black girl in Alabama cry by using the word.

Chris Rock famously (and controversially) tackled the N-word in his bit, "N---ers vs. Black People" (Clip below from "Roll With the New" -- some strong language).

Richard Pryor, after a trip to Africa, famously swore off use of the N-Word.
(Clip below from "Live on the Sunset Strip" -- includes strong language)

One of Pryor's most famous disciples, Dave Chapelle, uses the word almost plenty -- often with a biting satirical edge.
(Clip below from The Dave Chapelle show, includes strong language)

It is, of course, all a matter of context.

But the ridiculousness of pretending censoring the words does away with the racism aside -- there are any number of "safe" comics you can hire for this type of event. Why go with Eddie Griffin and then embarrass and persecute him for doing the kind of comedy on which he's made his reputation? Why not just go with Wayne Brady?

All right...maybe that's a bad example...
(Clip below from The Dave Chapelle Show, contains...oh, you know...)

Go check out shots from a new Agent Provocateur ad campaign featuring Maggie Gyllenhaal (Secretary, Mona Lisa Smile)

I love this woman.

Well...not here, of course.

But the pictures are out there.

It seems Vanessa Hudgens, Zac Efron's brainy love interest in the popular High School Musical franchise (and demonstrably less brainy love interest in real life) took some nude photos of herself. And, of course, they leaked onto the Internet.

Where I found them in about three minutes.

Would get fired (and possibly sued) for linking to them from here but I will note a few things:

1) There are a series of photos of her in progressively less clothing, in provocative poses, until she's posing naked and smirking for what seems to be a camera with a self timer.

2) She's doing so in what is clearly a bedroom and not (as has been reported) a bathroom. The curtain behind her just looks like a shower curtain. There's a bed and dressers in plain view.

3) The sort of creepy part about this (I mean -- besides her being the star of Disney films) is that, though she's 18 years old, the bedroom looks very much like the bedroom of a very girly high school girl. Christmas lights are strung along the ceiling of the room. Stuffed animals are visible on the fluffy bed on which she poses on all fours in what appears to be her sports bra.

4) Though she's turned out the big lights, turned on the string of Christmas ones and lit a series of tea candles on the dresser to "set the mood" she's left a half-finished plastic bottle of Dannon water (exactly like the one I'm drinking out of right now, eerily) on the dresser right beside her. This sort of kills the teenage girl faux romanticism of the scene and gives it a creepy, "I'm going to need to stay hydrated" porno shoot vibe. While the photo is undeniably aesthetically pleasing (in the strictest anatomy-drawing class sense, of course) the room and the way she's set it up sort of torpedoes any potential sexiness and just sort of makes my skin crawl. Mostly.

5) Female friends of mine who are hostile to the idea that every woman needs a Brazilian wax to be sexy have a new hero in Vanessa Hudgens. She makes their argument forcefully.

The number of news stories on these photos this morning is sort of staggering -- and many suggest that this is going to ruin her career with Disney, maybe even take down the entire High School Musical franchise. But as I look at them I wonder -- can that be right? It's not like she's doing anything really awful in them. They don't even rise to the level of misbehavior of some recent beauty pageant contestants. She just did what some (maybe an increasing number, and we can talk about and be disturbed by that if we're so inclined) 18 year old girls do when they're young and beautiful -- she privately documented her nudity for her boyfriend. I don't think it was for mass consumption -- though with Paris and Lindsay as warnings along the path of young fame she probably should have known better.

Let's hope this mistake doesn't doom her.

Joss Whedon fans take note:

Amazon's Gold Box Deal for today is Firefly: The Complete Series for $19.99 (!)

Firefly is the prematurely canceled cult sci-fi show that spawned the film Serenity and retains a fierce cult following. Part Western, part space opera, the show has great characters, terrific production and effects (by which I mean they look as though they could actually be happening -- a bit of gritty reality to the future and to space travel).

It's well worth looking into -- and for the price of the average DVD you can get the whole series plus DVD extras.

In this week's posts you can:

* Read my musings on Britney Spears looking like a drag queen (and the possibility that she'll spend the rest of her life performing for them).

* Find out whether Disney Channel's High School Musical star Vanessa Hudgens (and new star of inadvertent teen amateur Internet pornography) is into the Brazilian wax!

* Check out pictures of Maggie Gyllenhaal in the new Agent Provocateur lingerie ad campaign!

* Consider "The N Word" with comedians Lenny Bruce, Richard Pryor, Chris Rock and Dave Chapelle -- all of whom used it to greater effect than Eddie Griffin, who was bounced from a Black Enterprise event for dropping it this weekend.

* Tell me whether you got screwed when Apple dropped the price of the iPhone just two months after its release (and whether the $100 store credit they're giving customers makes up for it).

* Check out clips from shows coming out on DVD -- including 30 Rock, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and, of course, Flight of the Conchords.

If you missed any of it, it's all archived. Enjoy.

Also -- talk back, you lurking bastards!

According to a piece in Details magazine this month, a staggering number of celebrities demand huge paychecks (or make obscene material demands) in order to participate in charity events.

Some of the more amusing examples:

1) Marc Anthony (yeah, remember him?) demanded $50,000 to appear at the Heart Fund's annual L.A. benefit in 2001, according to the fund's president. Dana Carvey appeared in his place -- for free.

2) Anthony's wife, Jennifer Lopez, demanded the following things to participate in a video shoot for a 9/11 charity album in 2001: Evian water at room temperature, nine varieties of fruit and a completely white room (drapes, flowers, couches, tables and candles).

3) Last April Snoop Dogg recieved $150,000 to perform at a New York UNICEF benefit. He nearly canceled when he found out his dressing room wasn't outfitted with an Xbox.

4) David Schwimmer (Yeah -- Ross, for crying out loud!) recieved two Rolex watches with a combined value of $26,413 to attend a 1997 charity gala for a number of causes, including the John Wayne Cancer Institute.

5) Betty and Gerald Ford were paid $200,000 to attend a 2001 charity fund raiser benefiting 18 causes, including Cure Autism Now and the Starlight Children's Fund. (And Gerry was an effing Boy Scout!)

And this one, while it isn't quite as glaringly greed based, may be my favorite:

6) Naomi Campbell and Cindy Crawford were both participants in PETA's 1994 "I'd rather go naked than wear fur" ad campaign. Both women have since worn fur on the runway and in fashion advertisements since. (Can that possibly be more lucrative than actually sticking with your principles and instead appearing naked?)

Some thoughts on the MTV Video Music Awards -- the highlight of which was supposed to be Britney Spears' "comeback performance."

1) Is it possible Britney Spears spends every moment that she is not in the blinding flash of the paparazzi kicking puppies and poking old people with sticks? That's the only way I can imagine she'd work up enough bad karma to have given this sort of performance at this crucial a moment in her career.

To begin with the obvious: she was lip-syching. Poorly. I"m pretty sure this isn't the standard for the VMAs -- or even her past performances there, many of which have been very good.

Also: she seems to have forgotten how to dance. You know those lame singing and dancing troupes from high school? The ones who never seemed sure of what they were doing and usually just ended up going through the motions? (I was in one -- I can say this). Yeah. It was that bad. And this from someone who, just a few years ago, was commanding the stage while wearing a python and little else.

Maybe most cruelly but perhaps unavoidably: the physical comparison to her last VMA performance is not flattering. She has certainly had two children and a lot of personal problems, I'm sure that hitting the gym and watching her diet hasn't been at the top of the to-do list and I'm not suggesting that this is how we should judge women in this society -- but I am suggesting that you shouldn't wear that outfit if every back up dancer and most of the studio audience would look better in it. I'm suggesting you shouldn't wear a mid-riff or sports-bra for performance if you appear to have something of a beer belly. I'm suggesting that to every thing there is a season (turn, turn, turn) and that, at least for now, the leaves are off the trees in the "hot Britney wearing next to nothing" forest.

If this performance doesn't kill what was left of her career then she's definitely part cockroach and we're just never going to get rid of her.

2) Sarah Silverman was cruel, yes. Some of it was a bit awkward. But it was, largely, funny. And that's sort of Silverman's shtick. MTV knew when they hired her she'd come out and diss Britney (though it would have been hilarious if Britney had really come out and kicked ass -- Silverman would have had to think on her feet). They probably also knew she'd take a shot at Paris Hilton (though at this point that's sort of flogging a dead...whatever. Also -- did someone set her up with Barbara Bush's hairdresser for the evening or something? She looked like a soccer mom all dolled up for glamor shots). I don't have much respect for 50 Cent for any other reason -- but I do have to admire the way he took his lumps with a smile ("I think it's so cute that he's still alive!") and even applauded.

3) Man -- no wonder Bob Dylan's been thinkin' about Alicia Keyes.

4) Aren't we through with Fall Out Boy yet? I am. I'm through. I was through ten minutes in The rest of you come find me when you're done. And make it snappy, would you?

5) The thing with having the show take place throughout various places at The Palm? A nice idea. It's outside the box. It's something new. But it didn't really work. Let's have one stage and put on a show worth watching there.

Oh. My. God.

The Iron Man trailer is up...and it looks good.

Always thought Robert Downey Jr. would make a great Tony Stark -- but I'm even more convinced of it now. And if this goes over as big as it should, it could have legs.

In celebration of the Iron Man trailer finally hitting the web I'm looking through some of the character's other incarnations.

The intro from the 1960s Marvel cartoon:

The 1960s epside "The Crimson Dynamo" parts I and II:
(I swear this is worth watching -- if only for a minute. From the lousy animation that is barely animated -- as parodied on the "The Incredibles" -- to the evil-to-the-core, barely human Soviet Menace that Iron Man is facing -- this stuff is bizarre and classic.)

The intro from the 1990s Marvel cartoon (looks like the same people who did Spider-Man):

A much better intro from the 90s cartoon's second season:

The old Iron Man video game for Game Boy Advanced (think Mega Man here):

Here's a first look at the new Iron Man video game:

Also, check out this panel from the San Diego Comic Con featuring Iron Man director Jon Favreau, Iron Man stars Robert Downey Jr., Gweneth Paltrow and Terrance Howard and Iron Man creator Stan "The Man" Lee:

Here's what I mean about Britney Spears, whose disgraceful VMA performance this year has been the subject of much discussion since she sleep-walked her way through it on Sunday:

This clip, from her infamous VMA performance (and kiss) with Madonna and Christina Aguilera, demonstrates that she can perform without lip-synching:

(Dig how excited the guys from "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" are -- it's like their heads are about to explode. I'm telling you -- Germans love David Hasselhoff and gay dudes love Madonna.)

Come to that, this performance of "Satisfaction/Oops, I Did It Again" from 2000 demonstrates that -- at least for the first bit.

And this clip, the much talked about VMA performance with the snake, shows that even when she feels she has to lip sync (and it seems clear she's doing it here) she can do it better than she did it this time.

All three clips show that she can (or could -- I suppose it's been a while) dance better than she did this time around.

You don't have to enjoy this type of music to understand from these clips that she was once a commanding, dynamic performer who help audiences in the palm of her hand.

"Was" being the operative word, I suppose.

I don't know why -- but this makes me sad.

Sort of like watching an old Michael Jackson performance and then seeing what's become of him.

Just seems a waste.

Wow.

Reader Joe Scott points me to the following video of a Britney Spears fanatic who is enraged by the Britney backlash and the poor reaction to her VMA performance.

It is funny, disturbing and a bit profane.

You are warned.

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has announced that Jon Stewart's going to hose the Oscars once again. I, for one, loved it when he hosted two years ago. C'mon, a gay cowboy montage? It doesn't get much better than Ho!Yay! Perhaps he can do a montage this year involving overly-pretty men in epic movies -- Xerxes in "300", Achilles and Paris in "Troy", and Colin Farrell in "Alexander".

Donald Trump may have done the one thing that could possibly get me to watch Celebrity Apprentice -- it sounds like he's cast a "Buffy" alum. TV Guide is reporting that Charisma Carpenter (who played Cordelia Chase) will be appearing on the show, and apparently she is willing to "make like Alexis Carrington and bring out the claws if need be."

Sweet little Stephanie Tanner from "Full House" is pregnant. Doesn't that make you feel old?

I'm not sure how I feel about Nirvana's music being licensed for TV shows now. "Cold Case" does it well, so the Nirvana episode should be good. But I have to wonder if I'll soon be hearing Nirvana songs in places that make me cringe, like so many other classics that have been ill-used. ("Crumb-believable" and "Take this steak and top it" come immediately to mind.)

So Britney's debacle has overshadowed the real news that came out of the VMAs: co-star Shia LaBeouf, who I bet is playing Indy's son, announced that the title of the new film is Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. It's set to premiere in May 2008.

Thoughts, comments?

Got a sneak-preview DVD of the new Bionic Woman revamp.

My expectations were very low -- but it's really good.

And not just compared to the original, of which I've seen only a few episodes but with which I wasn't terribly impressed.

Like Battlestar Galactica (brought to us by the some of the same folks) this is a darker, scarier, more political version of a 70s classic.

It also manages to be sexy without being cheesecakey or exploitative -- no mean feat. The titular bionic woman is played by the gorgeous Michelle Ryan, who manages to be tough and sexy without (at least in the pilot) overtly exploiting her sexuality or leaning on her good looks as a crutch.

Her adversary, the evil (and beta model) bionic woman is played with femme fatale flare by Battlestar's Katee Sackhoff.

The two manage to have a brutal super-cat fight on a rooftop in a rainstorm without it looking anything like a beer commercial or one of those effing Charlie's Angels movies.

The show's apparently had some creative troubles, but the cast is strong, the writing is good, the effects are impressive and I for one am going to be keeping an eye on it.

The show premieres Sept. 26 on NBC and will air on Wednesdays at 9 p.m. ET/PT.

Tom Ford, former creative director of Gucci and Yves Saint-Laurent (and graduate of Parsons, where Project Runway takes place, as it turns out), struck out on his own in 2004.

Since then he's been shaking things up with a menswear collection George Clooney loves and swank Madison Avenue men's store...

...a Vanity Fair cover that got Scarlett Johansson and Keira Knightley naked (thank you, Tom)...

...and now, a cologne (one of many scents Ford has created at $165 per 1.7 oz. bottle) whose print ad campaign strips the niceties away from the "sex sells" ethic and just puts the tiny bottle between a woman's naked, glistening thighs, resting on her waxed pubis.

A not even kind of work-safe link to the actual ad here.

Even more explicit flash intro to Ford's website here.

Holy. God.

If Ford were straight I think people would be saying he hates women. Because he's not people will just accuse him of being a perverse design school guy who gets off on shocking people.

Which is, I imagine, fine with him.

Head over to Rolling Stone to read excerpts and see exclusive images from the upcoming book Gonzo: An Oral History of Hunter S. Thompson.

Here's some of what I wrote about Hunter's death, including a link to my Go Triad column right after his suicide.

So, I just finished watching the pilot for Journeyman, which, I admit, I really hadn't heard much about. My husband and I watched it because it was on InDemand, along with a bunch of other pilots. About two minutes into it, I turned to my husband and said, "This is the 'Time Traveler's Wife.' They should sue!" He pointed out that there was also the Good Samaritan aspect, so it was a mix of that and "Quantum Leap."

We start out with Kevin McKidd as a reporter in San Fransisco. McKidd is a poor man's Daniel Craig, complete with rugged good looks and piercing blue eyes. (You've seen him on "Rome," "Trainspotting," and in other supporting roles.) He has a wife and a kid, and you get the sense that not all is happy with him and his wife. Suddenly, he starts jaunting around in time uncontrollably, and by the end we find out out that he's supposed to change events to help out a stranger. Of course, the time-jaunting takes a toll on his relationships, since he sounds like a raving lunatic when he tries to explain where he has disappeared to for days at a time.

Overall, I thought it was a pretty good pilot, if you can get past the similarities to other shows and books. They threw a few twists in, including at least one that I didn't see coming. I'll probably watch at least a couple more episodes to see where it's going.

Having finally completely digested the Baconator which was my inaugural Fast Food Friday adventure, I found myself ready, at the end of a long week, to toss my heart, liver and colon back onto the craps table that is fast food dining and let it ride.

Come on -- baby needs a new pair of kidneys!

Wanna blow on these for luck?

Next up in my gastronomically masochistic fast food Rogues Gallery: the new Hawaiian Chicken Sandwich from Hardees (or Carl's Jr., depending on region).

If you are anything like me, you lament the existence of TV execs who cancel shows like "Firefly," "Wonderfalls" and "Veronica Mars," while shows like "Cavemen" get greenlit. ("Charmed" ran for eight seasons. Seriously.)

While TV Bigshot won't let you keep great shows on the air, it does give you something to do on your break at work. It's a game put on by Television Without Pity and network sponsors. You get a budget of $300 million to use to buy and sell TV shows and move up the rankings, which change every week with the Nielsen ratings.

I love online stock exchange games, so I'm in. (I've been playing Hollywood Stock Exchange for years.) Comment if you're playing so I can see how we compare!