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According to Hardees the sandwich is: "a charbroiled chicken breast dressed with red onion, tomato, lettuce and mayonnaise; the chicken breast is then topped with teriyaki sauce, melting Swiss cheese, and a juicy slice of pineapple that has been grilled on the chain’s signature charbroilers."

But it's so much more than that.

It is, in actuality, the fast food equivalent of the girl (or guy) you picked up when you were so unbelievably drunk that you were giddy you hadn't thrown up yet, who you took home when all of your buddies were making quacky-ducky shadow puppet hand signals to try to discreetly warn you off, who, upon waking next to her in the cold light of the morning after, strikes you with the kind of horror that makes you want to gnaw off the arm she's dozing on, dip yourself in bleach and scrub your tongue with Drano.

It's the novelty that makes you tipsy, that makes you abandon your better judgment. It's HAWIIAN! There's effing fruit on this thing! And it's chicken, not beef! Heck, it's probably good for you! It reminds you of that $8 burger you once had in the kitschy Tikki-themed restaurant with three pages of humorously named rum drinks in that vacation resort city you went to that time!

And then you open that brown bag already flecked and spotted through with grease and confront this thing:

Yes, yes, I know. It's awful. How did I actually eat that? Didn't I want to gag?

Well, no.

The truth is that the thing actually smells pretty good -- a little grilled chicken, a hint of pineapple zest, that tangy teriyaki scent.

And it tastes pretty good too. True, it's hard to savor any one particular part of the sandwich with so many things running together. True, the pineapple is more slimy rubber than fresh and juicy. But, overall, it's a pleasant mash-up of a lot of good flavors.

The problem is the texture.

My problem with Hardees' burgers has always been that most of them are like Michael Bay films -- way too much, way over the top, for no apparent reason. Do we really need a half a cup of mustard, eight slices of cheese and a head of lettuce on every burger? Does it need to have the sick squish of your sneakers after a walk in the rain when you touch it? Does it need to be running down your arms like an ice cream cone in July by the time you're two bites in? This sandwich has all these shortcomings -- plus the extra added fun of trying to keep that slice of pineapple from sliding off the sandwich and into your lap as you eat.

So -- what's the damage, health wise?

Well, we are talking about a Hardees sandwich here -- but you'd be surprised at how not awful for you this one is, relative to much of the rest of the menu.

Calories: 460
Carbohydrates: 46 g
Protein: 33 g
Fat: 16 g
Saturated fat: 3 g
Cholesterol: 75 mg
Sodium: 1130 mg

Compare that to, for instance, McDonalds' Premium Grilled Chicken Club Sandwich:

Calories: 570
Carbohydrates: 52 g
Protein:44 g
Fat: 21 g
Saturated Fat: 7 g
Cholesterol: 100 mg
Sodium:1720

Not so bad.

But grab some napkins.