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Some thoughts on the MTV Video Music Awards -- the highlight of which was supposed to be Britney Spears' "comeback performance."

1) Is it possible Britney Spears spends every moment that she is not in the blinding flash of the paparazzi kicking puppies and poking old people with sticks? That's the only way I can imagine she'd work up enough bad karma to have given this sort of performance at this crucial a moment in her career.

To begin with the obvious: she was lip-syching. Poorly. I"m pretty sure this isn't the standard for the VMAs -- or even her past performances there, many of which have been very good.

Also: she seems to have forgotten how to dance. You know those lame singing and dancing troupes from high school? The ones who never seemed sure of what they were doing and usually just ended up going through the motions? (I was in one -- I can say this). Yeah. It was that bad. And this from someone who, just a few years ago, was commanding the stage while wearing a python and little else.

Maybe most cruelly but perhaps unavoidably: the physical comparison to her last VMA performance is not flattering. She has certainly had two children and a lot of personal problems, I'm sure that hitting the gym and watching her diet hasn't been at the top of the to-do list and I'm not suggesting that this is how we should judge women in this society -- but I am suggesting that you shouldn't wear that outfit if every back up dancer and most of the studio audience would look better in it. I'm suggesting you shouldn't wear a mid-riff or sports-bra for performance if you appear to have something of a beer belly. I'm suggesting that to every thing there is a season (turn, turn, turn) and that, at least for now, the leaves are off the trees in the "hot Britney wearing next to nothing" forest.

If this performance doesn't kill what was left of her career then she's definitely part cockroach and we're just never going to get rid of her.

2) Sarah Silverman was cruel, yes. Some of it was a bit awkward. But it was, largely, funny. And that's sort of Silverman's shtick. MTV knew when they hired her she'd come out and diss Britney (though it would have been hilarious if Britney had really come out and kicked ass -- Silverman would have had to think on her feet). They probably also knew she'd take a shot at Paris Hilton (though at this point that's sort of flogging a dead...whatever. Also -- did someone set her up with Barbara Bush's hairdresser for the evening or something? She looked like a soccer mom all dolled up for glamor shots). I don't have much respect for 50 Cent for any other reason -- but I do have to admire the way he took his lumps with a smile ("I think it's so cute that he's still alive!") and even applauded.

3) Man -- no wonder Bob Dylan's been thinkin' about Alicia Keyes.

4) Aren't we through with Fall Out Boy yet? I am. I'm through. I was through ten minutes in The rest of you come find me when you're done. And make it snappy, would you?

5) The thing with having the show take place throughout various places at The Palm? A nice idea. It's outside the box. It's something new. But it didn't really work. Let's have one stage and put on a show worth watching there.