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The TV Guide channel had ex boy band star Joey Fatone and ex Soap Opera star Lisa Rinna on the scene. Rinna's job was to ask people misinformed questions (sample: "So, I know you're from Boston..." to an actress from New York. When corrected, she was completely derailed. It hurt to watch this over and over). Fatone's job was to wear diamond encrusted Nike Air Force One's with his tux and use the John Madden play-by-play marker to circle womens' breasts and make grunting noises.

The E! Channel had Ryan Seacrest out there. He for some reason began doing Young MC's "Bust a Move" in a soul-less monotone while interviewing someone. She seemed sort of embarassed for him as he just kept it going, line after line, and then pronounced that this meant he had rhythm and soul.

Strangely, the best alternative about an hour out was a Barbara Walters special in which she interviewed Miley Cyrus, Harrison Ford and Ellen Page. Page played a little of the Moldy Peaches song that ends Juno when Walters presented her with an acoustic guitar. Ba-Ba even did the little "do-do-do-dos" with her.

8:30 p.m.
They've definitely had stronger openings than this weird nostalgic CGI fest that's opening the telecast.

8:35 p.m.
John Stewart opens the show by calling it "the make-up sex" after the writer's strike and knocking the canceled Vanity Fair Oscar Party. He also appears to be opening the show from a leftover set from the old 1960s Star Trek.

Good line about this year's lineup of scary, violent killer movies and...well, Juno: "Thank God for teen pregnancy."

8:40 p.m.
Diablo Cody, author of Juno, is wearing...I dunno what. Something leftover from the Across the Universe costume room. But I still want to jump her. Great tattoos. Stewart kids her that going from being a stripper to being a screenwriter must have been a huge pay cut. She laughs all the way to the bank.

8:44 p.m.
Jennifer Garner presents the Oscar for costume design to the designer from Elizabeth: The Golden Age. Because...well, it's the oldest English period piece in the running. Done and done.

8:50 p.m.
George Clooney presents a reel of clips titled "80 Years of Oscar." It's not a great reel (not least because it was set primarily to "My Heart Will Go On") but it does get me a little excited about this year, so I guess it's doing its job. Who's going to give the weirdest speech tonight? Are there going to be any streakers? All right -- let's see you deliver.

8:55 p.m.
Steve Carell and Anne Hathaway have me more excited about the upcoming Get Smart movie than the Best Animated Feature category. Ratatouille takes it. Which surprises me not at all.

8:58 p.m.
The make-up folks from La Vie En Rose snatch the best make-up effects award from Pirates of the Caribbean and....um Norbit. Rick Baker's a force to be reckoned with, but Norbit was just awful. Thought Pirates might take it, though.

9:00 p.m.
Amy Adams busts out some tunes from Enchanted. Didn't see the film, but it turns out she can sing. In addition to being, you know, gorgeous. I think there's going to be a bigger production number type thing from the same movie later in the show. This was just Adams on the stage alone. Not that that isn't plenty.

9:07 p.m.
Dwayne Johnson is presenting Best Visual Effects. He's apparently trying to get people to stop calling him "The Rock."

Which makes sense, I guess. But if people regularly called me "The Rock" I'd correct people when they called me anything else.

"So, Mr. Killian...about your heart..."

"Doctor, please...call me The Rock."

The Oscar goes to the chaps from The Golden Compass.

And they earned it. They had me at "armored polar bear fight to the death."

Don't even talk to me about Transformers. Transformers is dead to me.

9:11 p.m.
Best Art Direction goes to the folks behind Sweeney Todd. Good call. Same people did The Aviator, apparently.

9:19 p.m.
Best Supporting Actor. Effing everyone in this category deserves it. I really want to see Hal Holbrook win it.

But it goes to Javier Bardem for No Country for Old Men. Which is where the safe money's been all season.

9:26 p.m.
A Harlem choir performs "Raise It Up" from August Rush. I don't know anybody who's seen this movie -- but the 11-year-old soloist is very impressive.

9:29 p.m.
Owen Wilson presents Best Short Film. I'm sure there's a "the guy tried to kill himself...sorta" joke in there, but...you know, the guy tried to kill himself. Sorta.

9:33 p.m.
Amanda makes a good point -- it seems the Americans aren't very competitive in the Short Film or Animated Short categories.

Two Brits take the latter category for Peter and the Wolf.

9:39 p.m.
Best Supporting Actress surprises the hell out of me. Tilda Swinson ends up taking it for Michael Clayton when I'd have bet my last Sudafed on Cate Blanchett transforming from a gorgeous British woman into...you know, Bob Dylan.

You never know.

9:47 p.m.
Best Screenplay Based on Previously Published Material -- No Country For Old Men. Cormac McCarthy plus the Cohen Brothers. How could it miss?

9.54 p.m.
Another song from Enchanted. This one a big production number by Kristen Chenoweth (Pushing Daisies, The West Wing). Man, Aaron Sorkin must have been smoking crack when he let this woman slip through his fingers. Oh...right. Well, that does explain it.

10:02 p.m.
Seth Rogan and his Mini Me...er Jonah Hill... give the award for Best Sound Editing and Best Sound Mixing. As Dame Judi Dench and Halle Berry. Sort of. Bourne Ultimatum in both categories, if you're curious.

10:10 p.m.
Best Actress goes to Marion Cotillard as proto-Britney Spears, Edith Piaf.

A large part of me was actually pulling for Ellen Page as Juno, but this was probably the right call.

10:20 p.m.
Actually enjoyed the Best Picture montage. It's always amazing to me how normal it once was for a musical to win the Oscar. I guess they're making fewer of them these days -- and I can't say I'm upset about it.

10.45 p.m
Another song from Enchanted. Am I delirious or does this one film have three songs nominated this year? No -- Travolta has entered dancing to announce the winner and it does, indeed, have three songs nominated. But with as many songs as films nominated in the category, it still loses. It goes to "Falling Slowly" from Once.

The Irish dude accepting gets to the mic first, and so the young lady accepting it with him doesn't have enough to time to say anything. Always get to the mic first.

10:57 p.m.
After the break, Stewart brings the young lady who got edged out to the stage to say what she likes, with no pressure from the Orchestra. Class move.

11:00 p.m.
Best Cinematography goes to There Will Be Blood. Hard to argue with that. Gorgeous in its brutal ugliness. It drank my milkshake. It drank it up.

11:11 p.m.
Best score to Atonement. I still think Jonny Greenwood from Radiohead got screwed over the score to There Will Be Blood.

11: 13 p.m.
They've got service people in Iraq announcing Best Documentary Short Subject.

And you know they're all on the edge of their seats over this category. Ironically, the folks from the U.S. military announce the award for a documentary about a lesbian police officer who spends the last year of her unsuccessful fight against cancer fighting a government policy that won't let her transfer her pension to her domestic partner. Coincidence?

But, as Amanda said after seeing one of the soldiers presenting the award: "Hmm. I guess 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' is working."

10: 25 p.m.
All right! Diablo Cody wins the Oscar for Juno! Show off those tats, girl! She dissolves into tears at the end. Oh, man. That was a damned good call. Good on you, Academy.

10:31 p.m.
Best Actor? Gotta be Daniel Day-Lewis for There Will Be Blood.

And it is.

11:45 p.m.
Joel and Ethan Cohen win Best Director for No Country For Old Men. Martin Scorsese, who just won his first last year, presents it to them. They stick around back stage and also pick up Best Picture.

Man. That flick is just unstoppable.

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And that's a wrap. Kind of a snooze this year, if you ask me.

But like a warm glass of milk, it may help me get to sleep tonight. If I can just start breathing through my nose again.