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Let's start with what's in this thing.

It seems to depend where you get it. It was originally advertised with the Bacon Club Chalupa, Beef Crunchy Taco, Bean Burrito, Cinnamon Twists and a large drink for $4.99. Mine was, instead, a Cheesy Double Beef Burrito, Beef Crunchy Taco, 1/2 lb. Beef and Potato Burrito, Cinnamon twists and a large drink.

Either way, I think we can all agree that this is, objectively, more food than a single healthy human should eat in one sitting. It is certainly more bad fast food Mexican than a single healthy human should eat in one sitting.

Knowing this, there's an exhilarating little twinge of fear when they hand you the closed box, like the feeling you get in the pit of your stomach from the CLANK CLANK CLANK sound of a steel rollercoaster as you slowly ascend that first hill.

The box seems designed to play on this. This is one mine looked like:

In the upper right hand side they've stamped the following warning:

Unfortunately, all this buildup leaves you in for a bit of a let-down when you crack it open to find...you know, some fast food tacos and cinnamon twists:

Don't get me wrong -- it still looks like a lot of food. But it's sort of like when you finally got to see the monster in Cloverfield. After all that...it's some boney sorta lizard thing with a fangy pug nose? That's it? Those weird spider-crab things were scarier.

But oh, that's what the Big Bell Box Meal wants you to think. Having lulled you into a false sense of security, it goes to work on your living guts as you shrug and hoist its first burrito.

"Not bad," you think.

Sure, this cheesy beef burrito thing is essentially just a soft beef taco with some rice and generic cheese sauce...but that's about what you've come to expect from the Bell people, and they're not going to throw you any curve balls.

As you unwrap the second one, your confidence begins to waver. Looking down at that box, at how much food is still there, is a bit like looking down as you stand on a 40 story ledge. The view was nice nice till you noticed all the pigeons and the vertigo set in.

When the second one's gone down you decide to take it easy -- sip on that Baja Blast and munch a few cinnamon twists as a sugary sweet counterweight to all that beef and processed cheese.

Oh, man. That wasn't such a good idea.

By the time you get down to just that crunchy taco the very smell of it makes you gag. You've downed a pound and a half of meat and cheese already and chased it with sugary carnival fries and and an effing Mountain Dew. What are you, stupid?

Had to give that last taco away.

And had a hard time finding someone to take it off my hands.

So -- the winner and still champeen... the Big Bell Box Meal. No way around it. It had its way, smacked me on the ass, tossed some bills on the night stand and left me feeling dirty.

But what was the real damage?

Not a pretty picture.

Calories: 1,370.

Total Fat: 63 grams

Sodium: 3910 milligrams

Carbohydrates: 159

Sugar: 22 grams.

(Source: Taco Bell)

That's more than a Wendy's Baconator AND a McDonald's Quarter Pounder with Cheese worth of calories and fat.

And that's assuming you have water or a diet drink. And who are you kidding? You won't.

My advice: if you're going to order this little box of gastronomic horrors, bring a friend and split it.