http://blog.news-record.com/staff/joke/ So, you think you're funny. Here's your chance to make thousands laugh at your joke. en Copyright 2008 Fri, 29 Aug 2008 07:00:00 -0500 http://www.sixapart.com/movabletype/ http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering. LAST WEEK'S WINNER So, whadda ya think of my selections? Agree? Disagree? Let me know what you think. Leave a comment. Tell me your pick. Tell me why the ones I picked stink. Or, if you must, tell me how brilliant my choices are. A big shout-out to Mr. Buckley’s fifth-grade class who had some hilarious entries. Honestly, guys, you had me at “explosive donkey.” Also included are hobos, singing frogs and denture-centric monkeys. Read their captions below. Also, a newspaper in Indiana has admittedly stolen our “Jokes On You” idea - and name. They really need to steal from a better class of people. But the one thing they can’t take though is our talented cast of contributors. MR. BUCKLEY’S FIFTH GRADE CLASS And my 5th grade students’ entries (comedy is difficult skill to teach, but we’ll get there...there was also a lot of stuff about hobos, I’m not sure why.) Kyle Q. Hello I lost a frog that sings Hi I lost the monkey that takes my teeth out at night Jake R. Well it looks like someone beat you quite badly Yes, sorry about the explosion Devonte M You have a black eye Ceasar L So are you Lost or Found. Victoria R Excuse me is anyone here? All I see is a pile of junk Jenny P Lost and found for Hobos Xavier B I lost my tie and all I found was this hobo. James M Sorry about the explosion Frank. I just wanted to try it out. I didn’t know the explosive donkey would blow up. Damon H No! My science project! My robot is crushed WINNER It has a fuse about this long. Dave Sheets, Greensboro RUNNERS-UP Anyone turned in a Tasmanian devil? J. C. Winkler, Asheboro "I see you found it!" Ken Layton, Carthage No,no,no,my monster was navy blue not lavender! Tim Tribbett, Greensboro Yeah it's about this big and what ever you do, Don't shake it Pam Hart, Siler City “Sorry about that but he gets that way around fire.“ Joel Clark, Greensboro "I seem to have misplaced my death ray- I mean toaster." Brent Wooten, Thomasville "Let me ask you, was there more of a yellow flame or purple smoke?" Joel Tuggle, Archdale "Did you find a package marked DO NOT OPEN"? Rick Meehan, Graham BEST “SENT IN CAPTION FOR WRONG CARTOON” Buzz off you two timing cad, I seen you polynate that other flower. No name given BEST POEM Well I thought that you might help me, it seems I cannot find, my tiny little princess, the apple of my eye! She's cute and white and fluffy, and really kinda shy, as gentle as a baby duck, and wouldn't hurt a fly. Please tell me that you've seen her, that you know where I can find, My 'tiny little cupcake', that might have wandered by?? This is the very first time, she's been out of the lab, She hated being in stuck in there, it's really kinda drab. So here we are at Space-Mart, to get some fancy things, I left her in the toy department, right by the Silly String! So I know that if you see her, you'll know just what to do, cuz we have to get back to the lab, to read The Jokes On You! Bob Mannary, Greensboro BEST INSIDE JOKE No,no,no ,my robot doesn't look anything like the robot from"Lost in Space"!!! Tim Tribbett,Greensboro Hands down winner. I guess Mr. Tribbett is aware of my problems in Brewster Rockit on this matter? Have you seen a deathbot carrying a spleen about this size? Tim Tribbett Have you seen a psychotic smiley faced stickman? Tim Tribbett “Yes I did train a bear to do office work. Why?“ Joel Clark "His name is Philbert. You seen him?" Stephen Botts, Greensboro BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE (Paging Mel Brooks …) I’m looking for my friend: Abbie Normal. Have you seen him? J. C. Winkler, Asheboro "For the last time, it's pronounced Fronk-en-steen!" Brandon Breeze, Greensboro "Do you have a package for 'Q?'" Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough … Of the continuum, I presume? THE REST Check back there again -- I can look at you and tell you have the cat. Look back there again -- he's on steroids and fighting for his ninth life. I raised him on "Mozart for Babies" -- but he ran away singing "Muskrat Love." He's about this big and very excitable -- but you already know that. I see you've already met my wascally wabbit. He ran off when I started testing a new flu vaccine. Joan Lux, Greensboro 1. I'm sorry, I got you sucked into this black hole! 2. I'm looking for a few good body parts. 3. Do you have any close relatives? 4. I lost my brain, do you have one in there? 5. Brain, heart, liver, I'll take what I can get! 6. Honestly, I didn't mean to transport you to that deserted island 7. Sometimes accidents happen! 8. Who knew cloning would be so hard?! 9. What do you mean you're suing me?! 10. Come back, I can fix this! 11. Too many wire sutures, huh! 12. Sorry you got Lost in Space! 13. But it was the only hand I had! 14. I think you are holding together pretty well! 15. I see you found a job! 16. No you don't look like a creature from the black lagoon. 17. Well I had to do something after that bear ripped you apart! I'm glad I found you, Brewer wants you to be his running mate for galactic vice president! Nancy Nelson I wish to return this invisible toaster as it is defective. Ken Miller YEAH IT'S ABOUT THIS BIG AND WHAT EVER YOU DO, DON'T SHAKE IT PAM HART, SILER CITY " My patient lost his mind, have you seen it ? " " I think you found my patient who lost his temper. " " Who lost their cool ? " " Ha ! You found my experiment ! " " Have you lost your mind ? " " You've lost it ! " " YES ! I've lost my Marbles ! ! ! " I'm telling you for the last time, I'm Dr. Jekyll looking for Mr. Hyde ! " " Hyde, I found you ! " " Don't play Hyde and seek with me ! " " I'll kill for a pair of gloves that don't fit ! " Frank C. Leonard, Lexington I'm looking for some lost nitro....I see you found it! Darrell Kimrey, Greensboro ...It's a wildcat, about yeah big. No, my Deathray didn't have a dishevel setting. Yes, he is a monkey, but he knows jujitsu. I'm from the anger studies group. Have you seen our chimp? The Killbot does have an off switch, you know. I'm sorry to hear that but I'm just looking for my hat I have that same problem with Vista. Have you seen my Beat-you-up 5000? Chuck Buckley, Greensboro Some good ones just barely missing the runners-up Hello I lost a frog that sings Hi I lost the monkey that takes my teeth out at night Kyle Q. Well it looks like someone beat you quite badly Yes, sorry about the explosion Jake R. You have a black eye Devonte M. So are you Lost or Found. Ceasar L Excuse me is anyone here? All I see is a pile of junk Victoria R Lost and found for Hobos Jenny P I lost my tie and all I found was this hobo. Xavier B. Sorry about the explosion Frank. I just wanted to try it out. I didn't know the explosive donkey would blow up. James M. No! My science project! My robot is crushed Damon H Buzz off you two timing cad, I seen you pollinate that other flower. Marcel St-Jules "He's about this long, has 8 legs, and a slight attitude...have you seen him?" "It's the world's first pair of automatic shoestrings..." "I finally figured out how to extract that wild hair Brewster had up his keester but I seem to have misplaced it..." "It's called a 'Wild Hair' and is usually hold up in dark, stinky places..." "It's the world's first Self-Sewing Button..." "My God Man!?!?!?! What have you done to my SLINKY??" "It's called an automatic needle threader..." "A...N...T... Automatic Needle Threader...seen it?" "Well, apparently the spiders got into the Viagra samples and well, things have gotten a little...complicated..." "Mirror, Mirror On The Wall..." "Good God Man...did you dress in the DARK this morning?!?" "I need a Whopper with Cheese, Large Fries..." "Well...I can't seem to find my glasses..." "Well it WAS the worlds largest spool of thread...." "It's a portable sewing machine...made by Ronco..." "I finally perfected the No-Tangle fishing reel but I seem to have misplaced it..." "It walks down stairs alone or in pairs and makes a 'slinkety' sound..." "It's the world's first self-playing violin..." "It's like Rogaine but for chest hair..." "Well most people use it to clean between their teeth..." "It's the world's first hands-free dental floss..." "My mother always said to CUT those little strings...never pull them..." "...and if you find it, whatever you do, Don't Open The Lid!!!" "Maybe you should just try velcro..." "My GOD I look HORRIBLE this morning!" "Should I come back later?" "I Can't Find My String Cheese!!!" Bob Mannary, Greensboro Unfortunately, some of the funniest captions (ordering a Whopper? Slinky?) we received. But just a tad “out-there” to be included (I’m afraid not every reader is as warped as me.) Anyone turned in a Tasmanian devil? J. C. Winkler, Asheboro, NC I'm Dr. Frankenstein. Have you seen my friend? It's really a quite small nuclear reactor. I'm looking for my friend: Abbie Normal. Have you seen him? J. C. Winkler, Asheboro "Please tell me you didn't harm the creature!" (I hope the irony tanslates in text) "I knew I shouldn't have implanted Amy Winehouse's brain!" "What monster? My wife caught me cheating!" "For the last time, it's pronounced Fronk-en-steen!" Brandon Breeze, Greensboro It's a box, about this big, witha label that reads, Do not shake. Robert Atwood Greensboro , NC 1.)Well,who told you to turn it on dummy? 2.)Have you seen a cosmic deathbot/ipod dock? 3.)So you see ,when matter and anti-matter meet you get..... 4.)Have you seen a deathbot carrying a spleen about this size? 5.)Yeah ,he always seems to go for the spleen first. 6.)No,no,no,my monster was navy blue not lavender! 7.)Has anyone turned in an analprobebot? 8.)Let me tell you where you went wrong. Tim Tribbett,Greensboro No,no,no ,my robot doesn't look anything like the robot from"Lost in Space"!!! Tim Tribbett,Greensboro " Yes ! Your proctologist has lost his ring ! ! ! " Frank C. Leonard, Lexington Yeah, he caused quite a stir in the gene pool too. Do you have an aggressive amoeba back there? Identifying marks -- a tatoo of three test tubes. Joan Lux, Greensboro 19. What's up with this malpractice suit!!! 20. Brewster Rockit wants you to attend a conference with him on Mizar in the constellation Ursa Major. 21. Well be grateful you aren't a fly! Nancy Nelson "I see you found it!" Ken Layton, Carthage "It was about this size and it went 'Tick-Tock'". Ken Layton, Carthage 1) "Weren't you in the Complaint Department this morning?" 2) "We've come to take you back" 3) "..and what about the other guy?" 4) "Come now, back to the Asylum!" --Bill Beerman, Greensboro "Items aren't returned in the same condition?" "Cousin Marco, we shouldn't be here just because I lost my temper with you!" Ian Knight, Greensboro 1.)Holy cow!Did my Mr. Rogers clone do that to you?! 2.)Have you seen a psychotic smiley faced stickman? 3.) I find a little aloe will help soothe radiation burns from my deathbots 4.)Enough about your troubles,I've lost my monster! 5.)Well,when your name is Frankenstein you're expected to make at least one psycho monster. Tim Tribbett, Greensboro "Today, lost and found. Tomorrow.....maybe a kiosk." "Funny, you're obviously in shock but I don't detect any awe." "Let me ask you, was there more of a yellow flame or purple smoke?" "I'm no madman. Now give me a number 3 with no onions." "Maybe next time you'll look for my Isotoners." "Thank heavens the second one didn't go off." "Did you happen to find three vials of charcoal, saltpetre and sulphur?" "You've been blinded by science!" Joel Tuggle, Archdale "he's white, has a long tail and ran off with my Lab experiment Frank Brown, Greensboro "Did you find a package marked DO NOT OPEN"? Rick Meehan, Graham It has a fuse about this long. 2. I see that my wife has been here. Did you find her pocketbook? 3. I believe I left my box of experiments here. Did anyone turn it in?. 4. Does this mean I won't get my monkey back? Dave Sheets, Greensboro " Has anybody turned in a Tasmanian devil?" "He's about 7'2" and hates people without neckties ..." Jon Barsanti Jr Hillsborough " You see now ! I've lost my grip on myself ! " Frank C. Leonard Excuse me, did you find a bo........never mind. Paul Poretta, Greensboro "Oh, you'll be fine........Now how about a Fresca?" Joel Tuggle, Archdale It was my latest creation: I call it, ŒA Can of Whup-Ass¹ Mr. Sutter. (Good to hear from you) "The box was this big and had a timer. Seen it?? "I see you met my wife!" "Have you see my robotic dog?' "I lost my Mister Wizard Chemistry Set" "It's hide and go seek. Have you see Pam, she's the angry one or Bruster, the stupid one?" "It's a small alien I created. It behaves well except when touched" "You survived my curse!! Want a job in my lab?" "It was a box that was clearly marked "Do Not Shake". "Do you always dress like that?" Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro 1. “I’m guessing you have my Dishevel Accelerator.” 2. “I warned you to wait 30 minutes after eating before using the transporter.” 3. “How did you end up here? You were in my dryer looking for my lost sock.” Tom Norman, Greensboro 1. "I see you have eaten the zebra nuggets." 2. "I see you have pushed the Do Not Touch button." Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro "I see that someone turned in my keys." "I seem to have misplaced my death ray- I mean toaster." "Lucky for you it was set on stun." "I'm looking for a runaway atom." "Has anyone turned in a Bunsen burner?" Brent Wooten, Thomasville "Remember, if he comes back this way, he likes to be scratched behind the ears." "Sometimes he wanders off just as if he had a mind of his own." "Quick, we've got to stop him before he gets to layaway." Joel Tuggle, Archdale "I lost some nitroglycerin ..." "But the package said "Do Not Shake..." "It said "Do Not Open Until Christmas ..."" "Do you have a package for 'Q?'" Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough 1) “ I don’t mean to pile on but that’s not going to grow back. “ 2) “ I bet the next time you see a “ Do Not Open “ sticker you will leave it alone . “ 3) “ Excuse me. I lost a bomb……I mean a box….yes that’s it….. I lost a box. “ 4) “ Sorry about that but he gets that way around fire . “ 5) “ The good news is that you can charge your IPOD by just holding it in your hand. “ 6) “ It’s really important that you stay away from pregnant women for awhile !! “ 7) “ Did you at least know which way he went ? “ 8) “ How do you know it was MY bomb ? “ 9) “ Do we really need to involve the police ? “ 10) “ What is this, casualty Friday ? “ 11) “ For a few weeks you will notice that metal is attracted to you. “ 12) “ You big baby, it just means that he likes you . “ 13) “ This is very important ! Did he bite you ? “ 14) “ Sorry but that part of you will glow in the dark for about 6 months! “ 15) “ The good news is that you now have a shelf life of about 77,000years ! “ 16) “ If that ear falls off can I have it ? “ 17) “ It’s about this big and has the faint smell of uranium . “ 18) “ I’d say about 7½ feet tall, flat head, bolts in neck, and a baddisposition . “ 19) “ Get used to it. That smell is permanent . “ 20) “ You’re being overly sensitive. I can barely notice it . “ Joel Clark, Greensboro 1.)You mixed your matter with my lost anti-matter causing a very destructive splatter. 2.)You mixed your matter with my lost anti-matter henceforth you got splattered. Tim Tribbett Greensboro 21) " I don't want you to over react but you might grow a tail. " 22) " I bet you just love it when the Mad Scientist Convention comes to town. " 23) " No, I'm Frank N. Stein !! " 24) " I'm not sure but it might be a guy named Mr. Hyde . " 25) " We've got to find him before the towns people do !! " 26) " You'd be touchy too if you were being chased with torches all the time! " 27) " Wait till you hear how clear your radio comes in now ! " 28) "#@*& &%@* idiot @&%! &%$# my bomb @*&%$# * &%#@ kill you &^$#$@ your mother !!!!" 29) " Bad side...radioactive...good side...free XM radio . " 30) " At least now you can avenge your uncle's murder . " 31) " Come by the lab and I'll give you one of my extra eyes . " 32) " I left him alone in the lab and he cooked up a batch of crystal meth ." 33) " Go ahead and call the police. Who's gonna believe a mouse did this toyou ? " 34) " Forgive me but I'm a little schizophrenic...no I'm not...yes I am. " 35) " Talk about the Theory of Negativity ! " 36) " Cut him a break. Some kids were picking on him in the food court . " 37) " It's very important that we find him before 5 o'clock. He's got my buspass. " 38) " Not dead, I said you were undead. Big difference ! " 39) " You don't have a craving for human brains do you ? " 40) " How do I explain this to you ? That part of you is in a parallel universe ! " 41) " It's about this big and has Excedrin written all over it. " 42) " When I dared you to call him a monster to his face I was being sarcastic !! " 43) " That was no monster. That was Dick Cheney. " 44) " What color ???? How many bombs do you have back there ??? " 45) " Yes I did train a bear to do office work. Why ? " Joel Clark, Greensboro You thought it was a fire extinguisher and you lit a match to it to see if it would work?! Dwight Hicks, Greensboro " Something's Missing Alright ! ! ! " Frank C. Leonard, Lexington "I heard you have the key to the Kay Hagan/Libby Dole timeshare." Gray Amick, Greensboro I'm Dr. Frankenstein. I see I've come to the right place! Cindy Bradshaw, Reidsville "My very hungry, PMS-raging, nymphomaniacal, 500 pound wife is missing. Have you seen her?" Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden 1) Exxxxxcellent Deadpan, Winston-Salem 21. If I only had a brain! 22. Who said I was GOD! 23. I thought this was lost and found not the complaint department! 24. You'll make a great lighting rod! 25. I'd never dream I'd find you here! 26. Be thankful, I had to piece you together. 26. How many times to I have to tell you, you're not a monster! Nancy Nelson " Ah ! You found my electro shock treatment equipment ! " Frank C. Leonard, Lexington "His name is Philbert. You seen him?" "The crate is marked 'Tasmania' . Shouldn't be a problem finding it." "You're a mess, O'Shea. Now go home and get some rest. And tell your wife and 14 kids I said hello." Stephen Botts, Greensboro "She's about this big and her name is Fluffy..." "She's about this big, loves to chase string, and her name's Tinkerbell..." "As long as you stay back about THIS far you should be fine..." "I was trying to teach it how to sew but it didn't seem all that interested..." "Well...it looks a bit like a silkworm only...bigger." "I was showing it how important it was to floss after every meal but I don't think it it took..." Bob Mannary, Greensboro SNAIL MAIL “It looks like a kitty, but it’s a baby cougar on steroids!” Frank Freeman, Greensboro ]]> http://blog.news-record.com/staff/joke/2008/08/this_weeks_cartoon_51.shtml http://blog.news-record.com/staff/joke/2008/08/this_weeks_cartoon_51.shtml Fri, 29 Aug 2008 07:00:00 -0500 Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering. LAST WEEK'S WINNER So, whadda ya think of my selections? Agree? Disagree? Let me know what you think. Leave a comment. Tell me your pick. Tell me why the ones I picked stink. Or, if you must, tell me how brilliant my choices are. Once again, I didn’t give you much to work with. The best captions were the ones that poked fun at the cartoon itself. OK, I have to redeem myself this week. Let’s see ... what cartoons do you guys like to write captions for? Cows? Nah, did that last week. Cavemen? Bears in conference rooms? I got it! How about a mad scientist? Need more incentive? Next week’s wining entry may be turned into (with permission, of course) a future Brewster Rockit cartoon featuring Dr. Mel. WINNER “W H O ‘ _ T H _ _ E W _ U Y ?” Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden RUNNERS-UP "He just transferred from our children's division." Brent Wooten, Thomasville Tim Rickard's artwork has really improved Tim Tribbett, Greensboro "He's not going to take another step until you flip the page..." Bob Mannary, Greensboro So I guess we’re downsizing. Chuck Buckley, Greensboro "This is what happens when a cartoon is incomplete by deadline" Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro Some one needs to switch to De - caff Paul Poretta , Greensboro “I don’t understand how Harvey got a job in the art department.” Tom Norman, Greensboro BEST POEM I came to work one Monday, and grabbed a cup of joe, and what did my green eyes behold, but a stick-man on the go! He had a certain spring to his step and a briefcase in his hand. A smile so wide from ear to ear and a tiny little can. I paused and thought, "This can't be right a stick-man at my work, cuz sticks are used for firewood not corporate paperwork!" I thought I must be dreaming, I didn't know what to think. My brand new boss had just walked by and he's nothing more than ink! I swear I'm just hungover, a little too far gone, why else would this be happening, so early Monday morn. Nobody would ever believe me, they'll think it was a dream... Or they just may think I filled my mug, with Bailey's Irish Cream! What a way to start my day, I'm not sure what to do... I guess I'll check my email... and write to Jokes On You! I know that they'll believe me, they've seen this stuff before, like cows dressed up in leather coats, and wolves moving in next door! Maybe this ol Rickard guy is messing with our heads imagine what next week will bring two panda's in my bed? Or maybe a buff chipmunk dressed up like Sly's Rambo, or Donald Trump dressed like a mime performing in the snow. There really is no pattern, his logic's off the chart, I just hope next week's cartoon, is not more old drawn art! Bob Mannary, Greensboro There once was a stickman named Sid Possibly drawn by Rickard's kid, Without telling you why, He would poke out your eye, Then say, "Hey look what I did!" Tim Tribbet, Greensboro I'm going out on a limb, but I think Tim is a little too slim, that smile has got to go, you know, he's just doing it for show! You know that briefcase holds the next "Jokes on You" and "Brewster Rockit" too! (Just couldn't resist) Nancy Nelson BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE "Apparently worked for Lorne Michaels before. Name's Pat. That's all I know." Tony Hummel, Jamestown "His name is Harold, and his favorite color is purple." Kris Voy, Trinity One of my favorite books from childhood. BEST INSIDE JOKE Tim Rickard's artwork has really improved Tim Tribbett, Greensboro "This is what happens when a cartoon is incomplete by deadline" Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro “I told you we were in a cartoon.” Marsha Elam, Greensboro “He’s one of Rickard’s early creations.” Bill Wallace, High Point "Looks like Rickard ran out of time...or ink..." Bob Mannary, Greensboro Tim Rickard is a stick artist now because he couldn't think of any more animals or characters to use Nancy Nelson THE REST Slimfast. J. C. Winkler, Greensboro Nice. " Just another ad from Time-Warner Cable" Carole McIntyre, Randleman That is what you call an extreme diet! Paula Pile, Greensboro 1. Too much caffeine! 2. I wonder what he knows that we don't! 3. What's she smiling about, she has NO figure! 3.That LA weight loss diet is really working. 4. That's taking anorexia to a whole new level. 5. I think we got the short in of the stick, don't you?! 6. If it wasn't for that smile, you wouldn't know he was here. 7. I'd like to wipe that grin off of his face. 8. I guess we know who got the promotion! Nancy Nelson 9. I hope he's not a member of "The Smiley Face Gang"? 10. He got chosen to represent us in the Olympic Games? 11. Stick with me and we'll break him! 12. I don't trust him as far as I can throw him! Nancy Nelson Coffee: $2.00, Breifcase: $30.00, Gastric bypass: PRICELESS Austin Elmore, Gibsonville "Go Figure." Harol Hoffman-Meisner, Greensboro It looks like Tim's new diet worked too well It looks like time was pressed for time again this week. I hear he is great at playing "Hangman" "He is sooo transparent." We have to draw a line somewhere on Casual Friday. I hear the boss likes "Thin Mints." I'd have worn brown shoes. I guess he is on a winning 'streak.' He's the Olsen Twins' Dad. "Never say "Sticks and Stone's" to Johnson.' He's on that Pretzel Diet. Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough "I heard talk of downsizing, but this is ridiculous!" Jennie McNamara, Greensboro 13. He sticks out like a sore thumb! 14. He's so fake! 15. Gimme a break! 16. Let's face it thin is in! Nancy Nelson 17. He's the boss's new take on diversity! 18. I just don't trust anybody who smiles all the time! 19. What's he have that I don't? 20. The boss is branching out again! Nancy Nelson "Yeah, he lost the modeling job as the Pillsbury Doughboy, but he's still smiling." Ken Layton, Carthage Don't let him fool you; he's a monster in the boardroom. That's the efficiency guy from corporate; They call him "The Hangman". So I guess we're downsizing. Bob must have had a great weekend; he seems so animated. I don't trust that guy. HR must be getting desperate. Chuck Buckley, Greensboro Some one needs to switch to De - caff Paul Poretta, Greensboro T? G? I? F Paul Poretta, Greensboro This corporate downsizing is really getting personal! W. W. Woodruff, Jamestown They ran Obama's pilot through the "wringer". He is a "stick" to it kind of guy. That's Gumby's great grandson. He been worked to nothingness. No fashion worries there. He's a man with no image. See...he is and airhead.... I am glad we are not subjected to "going" problems. He's a genealogist. He does family trees. Everything about him screams mime. I hear he married the Michellin man's daughter. He's the type that will stick it to ya. His wife steam rolled him in the divorce. Thats super model Twiggy's husband Limb. I wonder....he took his wife's Slim Quick........ Christine Keaton, Randleman He's taking that diet way to serious.... Shawn Barfield, Randleman 1. "He took that "work your fingers to the bone" to a whole new level." 2. "He took that "work your fingers to the bone" to the nth degree." 3. "There goes that smiley stick man." 4. "He lacks character if you ask me." 5. "I wonder if he does any emoticons." 6. "That all day smile unnerves me." 7. "Oh no, another temp. from that smiley agency." 8. "Twenty bucks says it's a girl." Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro 1. "Sure saves on buying clothes." 2. "Dr. said too much Viagra." George Cornett, Greensboro That new guy Bob really works himself to the bone. Why is he smiling?- He has no genitals. Why doesn't the new guy have to wear a tie? Looks like Jared is spending a lot of time at Subway again. They must have just slashed prices at Walmart again. Laura Craven, Oak Ridge This week's caption: "He is really sticking it to us!" J'edith Exum, Reidsville 1.)Wow, Jenny Craig really does work! 2.)Never play hangman with that guy 3.)Tim Rickard's artwork has really improved 4.)I hear he's really sticking it to his secretary . 5.)That's what happens if you overdo Diet Coke. 6.)That guy is a real stickler for details. 7.) I can never tell if he is naked or not. 8) I don't know his name but his face looks really familiar. 9.)Is he really related to Kate Moss? 10.) I wouldn't be that happy if I had no genitals. 11.) Hey,how come he doesn't have to wear a tye? 12.) What a stick in the mud. Tim Tribbett, GREENSBORO You think he could at least "stick" around for a cup of coffee. Ray Wyrick, Greensboro The email from HR said he used to teach kindergarten. Helen Tueffel, Browns Summit 22. That's Brevity! 23. Should we invite him out for lunch?! Nancy Nelson "That's Carl, he's head of the company's new down-sizing team" ERNY KAROLY, Jamestown "That is NOT what we meant for CASUAL FRIDAY!" Teresa Blake, Greensboro "If he says 'Have a nice day' one more time, I'm going to twist him into a Christmas ornament!" Mike Flint I liked this one, but I would have ended it after “one more time …” to make it shorter. 24. Let's put a firecracker under his desk! 25. You and me and tree makes three! 26. He wasn't smiling when they set off the fireworks this year! 27. I bet dogs love him! 27. He's looking this way, just frown! 28. He thinks he knows it all! 29. With that fake smile, he has got to be a politician. Nancy Nelson "How come he never has to comply with the company's dress code?" Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro Why isn't his face jaundiced today? He's the first one off the elevator if it's loaded over the weight capacity. This place will wipe that smile off his face. Wonder what he took to clear up his jaundice? He never goes near the snack machines. In the corporate cog he's just another smiley face. He's new to the actuarial dept. -- trying to link obesity to morbidity. He eats 12,000 calories a day . . . but he swims a lot. The health insurance company has him checking on workplace obesity. He's working undercover checking on workplace obesity. You'd smile too if you had scooped that big story for the National Enquirer. He takes "casual Fridays" a little too far. He seems mighty happy to have been on an all-night stakeout at a Los Angeles hotel. That briefcase is stuffed with his bonus from the National Enquirer. Wish the National Enquirer would send me to a Los Angeles hotel in the middle of the night. If you've seen one smiley face you've seen them all. Joan Lux, Greensboro Carl is taking casual Friday toooooo far! Mike Riley, Jamestown 30. His bark is worse that his bite! 31.Tree, tree, tree! (Hee, hee, hee) 32. There's no place in this workforce for nudity! 33. I'm not a prude but she's NUDE! 34. Girl, you're barking up the wrong tree! 35. I'm not going out on a limb for this guy! 35. There goes Happy Harvick making another pitt stop! Nancy Nelson "He'd rather gas-up his Hummer than buy food." "He's been on one of those TV diets." "Poor Tim. The boss has been working him to the bone." "Have you met the newspaper's new cartoonist?" Heidi Huber, Sault Ste. Marie, Ontario, Canada "This is what happens when a cartoon is incomplete by deadline" "Where again is this intra-company transfer from?" "And I thought I was thin!" "We won't see him at the coffee bar. His ink is water based" "Keep talking. He can't hear us" "First impression. He the two-dimensioned cheerleader type" "New concept. If he can cut it, they will simply wipe him out" "But can he use a laptop?!" "He runs the company Day Care center" "The temp agencies keeping pushing the envelope on help" "Don't worry. His kind are all smiles, no substance" "In his briefcase, are markers to touch up his lines" "They weren't kidding when they said the new boss is different" "He invited me over this weekend to meet his friends!" "I'll bet he is in one of those weird cults you see on TV" "I have seen that face before!!" "At least he won't be hitting on you" "And he can be copied!" Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro I think Joe needs to ease up on the slim fast John L. Privette 37. He's all talk and no action! 38. I think he needs to leaf out some! 39. Nice grin but he has no chin! 40. You think he could intoduce us to Charlie Brown! 41.Tim Rickard is a stick artist now because he couldn't think of any more animals or characters to use Nancy Nelson Now that is what lean management produces! He is happy because he cannot "down size" anymore. Kemp Mattocks, Greensboro "Sure, he's a nice guy but he's really not a people person." "Lordy, Lordy, Bob weighs forty." "Don't let that smile fool you. I can practically see right through him." "Maybe this consultant can help us trim some fat." "I just love the CEO's new clothes." "We went to the buffet yesterday. I just don't know where he puts it." Joel Tuggle, Archdale "Hey Mister Smiley face man, play a song for me..." Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro "Man! I knew they were talking about downsizing . . . but, this is ridiculous!" Cheryl Blythe-Carver – Greensboro "W H O ' _ T H _ _ E W _ U Y ?" "Don't worry. I hear he's just a figurehead." "Aren't they just so darned cute on their first day?" Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden "The company has gone too far with the Lean initiative." Phil Valla, Greensboro There's a rumor that he eats only happy meals. Joan Lux, Greensboro "So, what do you think of the new Diversity Initiative Instructor?" "I can't find any references in the employee manual, but he can't be following the dress code." "It's like his smile is permanently drawn on his face!" "He says he needs glasses, but doesn't have any way to hold them on his face." "He only sees things in black and white." "His wife's name is Barbie...they can't have children." "Apparently worked for Lorne Michaels before. Name's Pat. That's all I know." Tony Hummel, Jamestown "Jared, this Subway thing has gone too far." "I heard he makes a sticks figure salary." Joel Tuggle, Archdale "I told you we were in a cartoon." "I know they told us to connect with our inner child, but this is ridiculous." "Did I just hear him say, 'Good afternoon, good evening and good night?''' "I tried to bring my inner child to work.he threw a tantrum." "That's Tim Rickard's inner child." "Now I know how Truman felt." Marsha Elam, Greensboro Sure , He says Life is Good, but I think he has lost weight. Tim Gray "I think this is that new weight-loss specialist they just hired." Dave Derence, Greensboro "Has Ted lost weight?" "He just transferred from our children's division." "Do you notice anything different about John today?" Brent Wooten, Thomasville "Either Ted lost 150 lbs. overnight or someone spiked my coffee." "Please tell me you notice something strange about Bill." "Looks like someone got hangman." Brandon Breeze, Greensboro Nice ones. They send him on trips because he eats like a bird and travels light." Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough 1. I need to make an appointment with my eye doctor and then a psychiatrist. 2. What are they putting in this coffee? 3. Is he naked or does he have clothes on? 4. I think it's time he got off of Nutra-System. 5. He just walked out of the elevator and the doors never opened. 6. His Dr. put him on a diet but this is ridiculous. 7. He just sold the boss a group plan for his diet and exercise program. No fast food places for him. His wife is a pencil. They take the "all you can eat" buffet sign down when he walks in. Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden 1. “I don’t understand how Harvey got a job in the art department.” 2. “That’s my wife’s divorce lawyer from the firm, Grin & Bearit.” 3. “Someone needs to tell him to stop taking the stairs.” 4. “He’s been like that since he bought Google at $12.00 a share.” 5. “Now I know why they only show his head.” 6. “We don’t pay him - he’s just happy to be here.” 7. “We need an employee drug screening program.” Tom Norman, Greensboro Ralph, that guy surely gives new meaning to the statement, " Working yourself to the bare bones!" Phyllis King, Greensboro " That must be that new teacher that wrote 'The Art of Simplicity'. " CC Cockerham, Greensboro "I can't believe he's our new boss." "He's my daughter's new boyfriend." "That's my daughter's new boyfriend. I find him a bit simple." "Son, don't forget to call me after school!"....'that boy can't seem to remember a thing.' " Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden "That's my son. I believe he'd forget his head if it weren't drawn on." Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden CC Cockerham, Greensboro This idea had potential – head drawn on … "Yup...that's the guy that taught me everything that I know about business." Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden "Some people find him complicated, but I've found him to be pretty transparent." "He SEEMs happy, but I can see right through him." "I'm waiting to see which bathroom they go into." "Well...I'm just hoping that Pat has to go to the bathroom soon, so that I can see which one it goes into." "I don't think Race, Creed, or Color is going to apply." "I think he thinks it's Casual Friday." "I hear that HR had to rewrite the dress code." Here's my entry for this week's cartoon: (I'm pretty sure this is NOT going to be "PC".) "That's our new Salesman from Ethiopia." "That's our new Salesman from Ethiopia...can you believe that he didn't want to wear shoes." CC Cockerham, Greensboro He is happy because he got a perfect score on his PSA test. Don Rankin, Greensboro “He's certainly not worried about downsizing.” “Looks like accounting has its skeleton crew reporting today.” “Davenport has either lost weight or is experimenting with Viagra.” “He's certainly not afraid to stick it to management.” “Looks like HR is taking affirmative action very seriously.” “The rumor is he’s seeing Twiggy from accounting.” Gray Amick, Greensboro "That's the new boss. He drives an awesome BMW stick shift." "Is it just me, or is the company operating at bare bones these days?" "All I said was our company needs to go back to the drawing board." "He must be a plant. He looks way too happy every day." "I'm waiting for him to take out his purple crayon and eliminate our positions." "That's the new hire. They promoted him off the assembly line." "His name is Harold, and his favorite color is purple." "It's HR's latest ploy to make us love our jobs." "He thinks outside the box. Matter of fact, I think he used to BE a box!" Kris Voy, Trinity "He used to be John Edwards." Reta S. Beck, Greensboro "I don't think Harry quite understood the memo about downsizing." Diane Bishop, Greensboro "Wow...Bob sure has a spring in his step since trying Enzyte!" "He heard Wal-Mart was hiring..." "Wow Tammy...looks like the new diet is really starting to pay off!" "I can never tell them apart...is that Mary-Kate or Ashley?" "Does Tim really think I'm going to fall for the old Draw-Myself-On-The-Wall trick?" "What does he think this is YouTube?" "If anybody should be thinkin Arby's it's that guy..." "This happens every time it's Bring-Your-Kid-To-Work day at the News & Record." "Hey Bill...what time is Stickball practice on Saturday?" "He works nights over at Fire N Stix..." "You do see that too right?" "That's the corporate cleaner they brought in. You don't want to get caught up in a game of hangman with THAT guy!" "There has got to be something wrong with him...nobody can be that happy ALL the time..." "I hate that smug little grin he always gives you when you try and talk to him..." "He's not going to take another step until you flip the page..." "Looks like I'm now just one pink eraser away from a nice corner office..." "Times must be tought when they allow supermodels into corporate America..." "He's more of a Ba-Dink-A-Dink" "Wait...wait...flip the page backwards...it's hilarious..." "Looks like Rickard ran out of time...or ink..." "Bill's nothing more than a corporate Pencil Pusher..." "There goes Tim...stickin' it to the man!" "Woah...this is coffee isn't it?" "Great...I know I'm going to end up pissing in the janitor's closet now that he's quit..." I really wish I had drawn the figure to look more like the bathroom symbol cause this would have won hands down – although we’d have to do something about that one word … "Don't call him Twiggy..he HATES it when you call him Twiggy..." Bob Mannary, Greensboro “When did we hire Ally McBeal” Mike McLaurin, Trinity He get’s one more promotion I’m bringing out the eraser. He seems a little sketchy! Him telling ME to get the lead out is a little hypocritical. He started out on the floor of the art department…now he’s the CEO. A little white-out would take care of that silly grin. David Robinette, Rockingham County "Well isn't that swell... a streaker at the workplace." Ian Knight, Greensboro Good one, just got in too late. ]]> http://blog.news-record.com/staff/joke/2008/08/this_weeks_cartoon_50.shtml http://blog.news-record.com/staff/joke/2008/08/this_weeks_cartoon_50.shtml Thu, 21 Aug 2008 16:26:04 -0500 Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering. LAST WEEK'S WINNER So, whadda ya think of my selections? Agree? Disagree? Let me know what you think. Leave a comment. Tell me your pick. Tell me why the ones I picked stink. Or, if you must, tell me how brilliant my choices are. Like no other week in recent memory, our judges were all over the place. with everyone picking different captions. There wasn’t even room in the runners-up slot to include all the captions that were picked. I can’t tell if some of you were taking the high road or just didn’t realize the cow was wearing a leather coat. Still, you managed to make some funny captions without referring to the leather coat. So, there are captions in both categories. WINNER So is that leather coat why your uncle has to have a closed casket? Name withheld by request because the were rightfully ashamed of themselves. RUNNERS-UP What's next, steak for dinner? Darrell Clark, Winston-Salem I know you wanted to have something to remember your Mom by .... BUT ... Vic, Candor I'll check the obits if you want matching pants. Tim Tribbett, Greensboro I see here that farmer Brown is missing some cows Nancy Nelson "That's just wrong on so many levels." Brandon Breeze, Greensboro "Please tell me that's faux leather." Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro “Work it, Bessie.” Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden "Seriously? We're out of milk?" Tony Hummel "It goes down tonight. Let's see how he likes the milking machine." Joel Tuggle, Archdale BEST/WORST PUN You're no Hugh Heffer ... Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough “Hugh Heifer you're not." CC Cockerham, Greensboro These captions are udderly ridiculous. David Robinette, Rockingham County If you don't take off that udderly depraved coat I'm mooooooving out. Tim Tribbett, GREENSBORO You look udderly ridiculous! Jon Barsanti Jr., Hillsborough Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden Bob Mannary, Greensboro BEST INSIDE JOKE "OK,hon...it's a picture of two cows talking....Think!....what funny thing would WE be saying?" CC Cockerham, Greensboro "Get this Earl...they're trying to use old art instead of a cartoon this week!" Bob Mannary, Greensboro busted “Just what do you think streaking through Tim Rickard’s office will accomplish?” Marsha Elam, Greensboro It would brighten MY day I think Tim Rickard is afraid to show udders Tim Tribbett, GREENSBORO I'm getting therapy, though. He's right,"Brevity does stink. Tim Tribbett, GREENSBORO How can you confuse Tim Rickard with Gary Larson? Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough "Last week' "Joke's on You" captions are just awful!" Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro "The only thing funnier than how you look right now would be watching Darth Vader perform Rhythmic Gymnastics..." Bob Mannary, Greensboro BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE "I see that Michael Ahern is at it again." CC Cockerham I think he’s the guy who began the “Misses O’leary’s cow” story … ? "You meeting with Professor Johnson again? I guess it's a good thing that tonight was Mexican night..." Bob Mannary, Greensboro Proffessor Johnson has the unenviable job of measuring gaseous emissions from cows. "Better stay away from that Stella, she wants to make the whole world "leatha". Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro Think “Project Runway” "It looks like Silence Of The Lambs is on at 8." Bob Mannary, Greensboro “It’s a little to much like Silence of the Lambs for my taste.“ Joel Clark, Greensboro BEST POEM AND FOR GRATUITUS, OBSEQUIOUS AND SYCOPHANTIC NOTHINGNESS: Tim Rickard draws Brewster, and then he pens cows I wrote a few lines, this is my mau-mau Sure, he get's paid, and well he should But can't I cow cow count on something good? From “Washs69” Ouch. THE REST Chick-fil-a called this morning, they have postponed your Calendar shoot for next week! Stephanie Apple, Greensboro, NC I don't care if you're in the CIA, a leather trench coat is so uncool. You're not wearing THAT just to go to Chick-Fil-A, are you? J. C. Winkler, Greensboro That coat's not macho, dear . . . it came from a steer So is that leather coat why your uncle has to have a closed casket? Joan Lux, Greensboro Enough with the "Moo" Hefner act already! Cattle futures are down...so much for living the good life. Housing prices are down...Moo Irving Park just isn't what it used to be. We have a dilemma...It says here your fund manager is investing in all beef wieners. These captions are udderly ridiculous. David Robinette James, that leather trenchcoat is smashing, but don't you feel it is a conflict of interests? Scott Ritter, Greensboro "That better not be my mother!" Ken Hopkins, High Point "Yes. dear, that robe looks bullish on you." "Honey, I read that they're offering free Mad Cow's Disease shots at the abbatoir." "If you're going to make another jump over the moon, you'd better stop relaxing and start training." Ken Layton, Carthage " Holy Cow ! Leather meets Rawhide ! Frank C. Leonard, Lexington "Seriously? We're out of milk?" "Make sure they cook mine medium rare." "How was your day filming the new Chick-Fil-A commercial?" "Take off that coat. Your milk will spoil if it gets warm." "Don't have a cow! We aren't that late!" "Oil is up again. What a bunch of bull!" "Please tell me that isn't leather!" Tony Hummel, Jamestown "I have never seen so much BS in my whole life!" "Thank goodness for stock market fluctuation, but this is a little too much!" This would look sooo good on my home office wall. Ted Wilson,Greensboro "Just what do you think streaking through Tim Rickard's office will accomplish?" Marsha Elam, Greensboro I'm your mother and I say 'No flashing!" Barbara Bolden, Eden So what if the label says "Angus Beef" -- most people would rather eat it than wear it. Just don't wear it to the barn. I suppose next you'll want some leather shoes. A leather coat for you, a leather purse for me. Any other ideas for population control? And don't go prancing around outside with that thing on! I thought you smelled funny! I thought the hot leather car seats would cure you of this fetish. Joan Lux, Greensboro 1. That better be pleather! 2. I'm going to tan your hide! (Just got back home) 3. Where's the pants! 4. I was just reading how many cows are being killed to make coats! 5. Who did you have to rustle to get that coat?! 6. Don't expect me to tell you that it looks good on you! Nancy Nelson 1.)Flashing doesn't work when you're usually naked 2.)It fits like a second skin 3.)You think thats depraved? Brett Farve just joined the freakin JETS 4.)Its my turn to wear MOM next week. 5.)You sick little cudchewer 6.)Stop saying shaken not stirred. 7.)Pasteurized not homogenized 8.)I hope that's nobody I know. 9)I think Tim Rickard is afraid to show udders 10.)If you don't take off that udderly depraved coat I'm mooooooving out. 11.) He's right,"Brevity does stink. 12.) Agent Milky Teats I presume. 13.) You didn't have to off Bessie.They make artificial leather ya know. 14.) I think we should try bike riding. 15.)The Fonz called.He wants his coat back Tim Tribbett, Greensboro That's a bunch of bull... you should read what they are saying about Asheboro this week. Milk production is down in Asheboro, Bud Light is up. They have her all sprawled out, showing her utters, saying "Eat More Chicken". Bessie's ad is disgusting! Stacey Miller, Asheboro " I think you look great in Grandma's outer-coat." "No, you can't wear that to the family reunion." "You'll sweat to death in that thing." " I always thought you looked good in leather." " What a waste of money." " Black doesn't look good on you." James E. Ferrell, McLeansville "I was in the upper pasture Tuesday night detective, why?" “That coat was your Grandma." "Before I go, detective, which animal was it that squealed on me?" Joel Tuggle, Archdale Just because you know Gary Larson doesn't make you famous. You look udderly ridiculous! Cannibal! 'One Gig after "Far Side" does not make you hot.' That better be pleather ... "Dad's going to have a cow when he sees you." "Sale or no sale - that's just wrong." "Don't serve me any Fava Beans and Chianti ..." "Brett doesn't need a Holstein in New Jersey ..." "Where are your leather pants?" "So, are you going to try and ride a tricycle at the circus?" "You brought back a souvenir from Pamplona, I see ..." How can you confuse Tim Rickard with Gary Larson? Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough "Just what do you hope to accomplish by streaking at McDonalds?" "Who's Ilsa?" "I don't mind if you wear the trench coat. Just stop calling me Ilsa." "The down side to civilization? Cannibalism." "I guess this means we're out of grass." Marsha Elam, Greensboro You're no Hugh Heffer ... (Heffner) "I don't care if you are a superdelegate ..." Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough We are not sadists...put dad away. Whose missing from the barnyard now? I wondered what happened to that pesky salesman..... I see our mothers finally mended their ways.... Greensboro's recycling laws are going a bit far.... Christine Keaton, Randleman "Your ex-wife left you HERSELF in her will?!?" "Your ex-wife sure had a sick sense of humor!" "I always knew your exwife would come back to haunt me!" Kris Voy, Trinity I may be a milk cow, but you're not Hugh Hefner. Now take off that ridiculous robe and quit bothering me. Kathryn Cover You're tired of eating chicken and want to go out for beef!!?? Shirley Wyzga-Johnson, Greensboro Okay, you've proved it -- there IS more than one way to skin a . . . . Joan Lux, Greensboro Have you seen the price of milk? Next one I think I'll udder-feed. Marcia Berger 7. I thought you were a vegan! 8. Holy Cow! 9. Holy Moly! 10. Cowabunga! 11. I bet Tim Rickard wouldn't wear that ! 12. Brewster Rockit wouldn't be caught DEAD wearing that! 13. I prefer fox myself. 14. Feather boas are more my style! 15. Something stinks!! 16. You smell like road kill. 17. What's that smell?! 18. I see Lazy Boy is having a sale on leather recliners. 19. Don't you know leather and fur are out of style! 20. I told you they should Eat more Chicken! 21. How much did that cost us?! 22. Who said leather is sexy! 23. Is that my mother? 24. You're about as bright as Brewster Rockit! 25. That had better not be my mother! 26. I see here that farmer Brown is missing some cows. 27. Do you have Mad Cow Disease?! 28. I'm not speaking to you till the cows come home! Nancy Nelson I didn't know if I could submit more than one. Anyway, here are 5 for your consideration. My favorite is in blue.... " You can cut back on the fiber Elmer, I see the city council is meeting tonight. There should be more than enough bovine feces to go around " " I still can't believe you had Aunt Bessie made into a coat" " Elmer, have you been flashing people at Chick-Fil-A again?" " Judging from today's stock report, you've just been replaced by a bear" "Elmer, you can't wear that coat forever. Sooner or later people are gonna find out that you have man utters" Tim Collins, Greensboro "O.K agent X, why are California cows happier?" "Tell me detective, was it the pig who squealed on me?" "I was going to wait up until...well..until you all came home." "Yes detective, I'm Mrs. O'Leary's cow but I don't know nothin' bout no fire." Joel Tuggle, Archdale Your ad says lesbian cow with leather fetish seeks mate.No weirdos. Tim Tribbett "Don't lie, Ralph. I can smell the whole milk on your breath from here." "It goes down tonight. Let's see how he likes the milking machine." Joel Tuggle, Archdale 1.)I'll check the obits if you want matching pants. 2.)Your ad reads, dominant cow with leather fetish seeks submissive sea sponge with culinary skills 3.) Have you been watching "Silence of the Lambs " again? Tim Tribbett, Greensboro Oh look, Harris Teeter has beef on sale this week. By the way, have you seen Mother? Frank Beamon, Greensboro 1. "Good morning Sir Loin." 2. "You better not wear that around the widow Jones." 3. "Doesn't it creep you out to wear Uncle Bill?" 4. "Please tell me that's faux leather." Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro 1. "Where's the beef?" George Cornett, Greensboro "Cousin Earl would be so proud he was a skin donor." Steve Kindschi, Asheboro " That's a great cover for that 'EAT MOR CHIKIN' tattoo. " Steve Kindschi, Asheboro 29. Well I guess you won't be going with me to California this year! 30. Moo,Moo, Moo! 31. What do you want for dinner, Uncle Fred?! 32. Who do you want for dinner, Uncle Tim?! Nancy Nelson "I know you never really liked my mother, but to WEAR her ..." "How COULD you !?!" "I don't care if it WAS on sale !" Heidi Huber, Sault Ste. Marie, Ontario, Canada No you cannot go buy Blue Sued Shoes ... No, you are not going to buy a Harley ... One day does not make a 'Bull Market.' Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsboro *"We are out of milk" *"Terrible. A cow was taken in, then grilled by the police, never to be seen again!" *"Oh my, cow tipping has started again!" *"Have you taken your hormones today?" *"You favorite movie, "Raging Bull", is on at 8 tonight" *"Last week' "Joke's on You" captions are just awful!" *"Here's our large "Eat more chicken, pig and duck" ad" *"Apparently someone literally "Shot the Bull" *"What with the coat? Hiding something?" *"What's under the coat? A surprise for me?" *"I am glad things went well at the Running of the Bulls" *"Our obits are depressing. We are "processed" not buried!" *"Business at the slaughterhouse is up. They have many short term opening" *"The Flashing Bull was seen again last night? Know anything about it?" *"Here is a nice recipe for ground chuck" *"The FDA is recalling your father, what's left of him" *"Good news. You like to travel and beef exports are up!" *"There is that local Help Wanted ad again for the local Bar-B-Q house" *"So that's what you bought with the money they paid you at the sperm bank!" *"Wait. That leather coat has my mom's unique barbed wire scare!" Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro instead of leather we must insist the clothing industry make chicken feather coats. James O. Durham, Greensboro We must tell them "eat mor chiken". James O. Durham, Greensboro I know you wanted to have something to remember your Mom by .... BUT ... Vic, Candor " Says here that the Matador fighting tryouts start this Friday, are we in? " Mike T., Greensboro It is reported that there is a cow-face flasher on the loose in town-anything you want to tell me, dear? Blanche Berkowitz, McLeansville "You took it out to the curb to sit in the shade, then left it there?" Nelson Harrill, Greensboro Caption: "After reading the fine print in our ad contract, Mr. T.V. star, I suggest you develop a taste for chicken!" Reta Beck, Greensboro I'm not impressed with the label in that coat -- "Angus Beef" my behindy! Are you sure that's not a knock-off of a real "Angus Beef" coat? The label says "Made in Japan" -- must be a "Kobe Beef" coat. Don't leave the house with that coat on -- you already lost your shirt at poker. That coat fits you like a second skin. Joan Lux, Greensboro 1. “I didn’t fix dinner. I thought we’d chew our cuds tonight.” 2. “The Stock Market hasn’t been the same since you quit.” 3. “It wasn’t a simple snip-snip?” 4. “Is that Uncle Ernie you’re wearing?” 5. “Promise you’ll have me canned when I die. The fresh meat department is so undignified.” 6. “They found your brother at the grocery store - aisle 6, 7, and 12.” Tom Norman, Greensboro Juvenile delinquent !!!! That's a lot of money for something to wear around the pasture. That's not what I meant when I asked you to let your little brother hang around you. What's next, steak for dinner ? I'll ask you one more time, have you seen your brother ? I think it's beautiful. In fact, I used to date her. Dude, we live in Phoenix ! What really scares me is it's from China. Couldn't you just get one of those barbed wire tattoos like everyone else ? I would tan your hide if someone hadn't beat me to it . I'm guessing you are no longer a P. E. T. A. member. You wouldn't catch me dead in that thing. HOLY CHIPS !!!! Not mad cow.........bad cow. I see you are back from India . Darrell Clark, Winston-Salem "Harris Teeter has chicken on sale." "Don't bother going in today." "Milk is at $3.99 a gallon." "What's black, white, and red all over? Millicent Beal 33. How many pails of milk did that cost us?! 34. No, that won't get you on the USA Olympic Team!! 35. Murderer! 36. I won't be chewing the cud with you tonight! Nancy Nelson 1."I knew you hated your ex, I did not realize how much". 2." Way to get revenge on dad, now he really is on your back allthe time". 3." Why would you give humans more ideas". 4." So this is what you wanted with dad's remains? Are you making boots out of mom's?" Paula R. Hairston "Aside from being a cow in a leather coat, it's freakin' AUGUST!!" "That's just wrong on so many levels." "If PETA doesn't get you, the fasion police will." "Sell Out!" "Are you going to screw around with Bob Barker again?" Brandon Breeze, Greensboro They say that coat is pleather...I say it's Aunt Polly. Marty is still missing.....They can't find hide nor hair of him. Enough with the rich, corinthian B. S., that jacket is Uncle Jerry from Jersey! It's O.K., Elmer could have become a chair and you would be sitting on him! Everybody will know that coat was Brian because of the Lazy B brand on his butt. Before he died, that coat fit Stanley much better than it fits you. Sure I see the Double B brand. That doesn't mean that coat is a Bull Blass! Sure Randy, that coat has a neat pocket for two tennis balls. Wonder what part of angus that was? Ralph always would give you the coat off his back! I'm really glad they removed the udder before making that coat. Well yes, bull coat does sound classier than bull shirt! Mike Riley, Jamestown 1) " E - I - E - I - NO !!!! 2) " That's redundant. " 3) " It's a little to much like Silence of the Lambs for my taste. " 4) " The paper says two cows are missing. You wouldn't know anything about that would you ? " 5) " I'm sorry, but being from the supply side of it, I find that offensive. " 6) " Does it make you look fat..no...crazy....yes !!! " 7) " You're fooling no one, I know pleather when I see it . " 8) " If your friends were going to jump off a cliff would....nevermind ! " 9) " You've been ripped off. I can see the Ponderosa brand on it. " 10) " I know a little something about leather. In fact it's a family business. " 11) " You can try all the gags you want, I'm not turning up the heat. " 12) " This is wrong on so many levels ! " 13) " There's a special place in Hell waiting for you. " 14) " I think you been grazing on the wrong kind of grass . " 15) " You know something, we should've killed old MacDonald years ago. " 16) " When I said you need a thicker skin, this isn't what I had in mind." 17) " It say the flasher may have been a cow. " 18) " Your job at Merrill Lynch is going to your head. " 19) " Your mother would be turning over in her grave, wait a minute, isn't that her brand ? " 20) " If it's Mrs. O'Leary's cow then I love it . " Joel Clark, Greensboro Your flashing strategies will not entice people to eat more chicken. Kemp Mattocks, Greensboro Please say it didn't come from anyone in our herd. French leather? So who's still raising Charolais cattle? Ugh -- a coat from your own species. Distressed leather? Oh yeah, I remember the incident with the barbed-wire fence. Doesn't wearing it make you feel almost cannibalistic? That was one cow worth knowing -- a rump roast AND a coat. Joan Lux, Greensboro 1. This teenage angst is getting old. 2. It's no skin off my nose. I just wish I could say the same for Betsy. 3. I'm putting this on YouTube. 4. That better be bison. 5. I think I'm going to be sick on my stomach, all 4 of them. 6. I say if you can afford to run with the bulls, then you can afford to lose a jacket. 7. Let me get this straight, you got the jacket and Jack got a hand full of beans ? 8. Your horoscope says friendships will be tested today. 9. You are one fine bovine !! 10. You are the kind of cow they get mystery meat from. 11. It would serve you right if you got Mad Cow Disease. 12. Please don't wear that when the herd gets here. 13. You are going to make milk come out of my nose again. 14. Yes it does. In fact it makes you look as fat as a cow. 15. Do they have any idea what caused the stampede ? Deadpan "For the last time Hank, yes I think you look lovely!" "Goin' out flashing again?" "Why are you dressed up? We're only going out to graze." "My mother's missing. Do you know what happened to her?" "You look udder-ly ridiculous!" "Have you been shopping at Oprah's Secret again?" "When you said you were going to dress up in leather tonight, this isn't what I was expecting." "If I had that many udders, I'd never leave the house!" "What do you mean it's what Grandpa would have wanted!" "If Gandhi was alive, he'd kick your a##!" "Tyra Banks? Is that really you?" "It says here someone has been going around flashing the chickens again." "Wearing that jacket is like pigs eating a sausage biscuit." "For the last time, I don't want to go to Burger King!" "No, Gladys, that jacket doesn't make you look too butch!" Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden 1. "What's up with the two coats?" 2. "Cold are we?" 3. "Here I'm thinking you were thick skinned." Paula R. Hairston Holy Cow looks like the Cubs won! Rebecca Brannon, Greensboro "Says here the 'Hugo Bossie' look is out this year." "That coat is so to die for." "Lose the coat, Mable, or I'll lose my Chick-Fil-A gig." “It doesn't make you look fat. You're a cow for heck's sake." "I'm sitting on pleather. You're wearing guilt, you cow-ard." "So, what's in the pockets? Prods, again?" "The Cow and Jones average is killing us. Not to mention Lonestar." "I swear, it's not the Rhino Times." ‘Where's the bell necklace I bought to match?' washs69 When they say this is a "Bull Market" doesn't mean they're coming after you. Dwight Hicks, Greensboro "My worst assignment yet, undercover on the cattle mutilation case." "It appears someone is stealing our brethren at night by putting shoes on their feet." "I'm not a flasher, I just got promoted to detective." "Target has cow bells for 25% off this weekend." Gray Amick, Greensboro "Now that you're retired, we can do Everything together!" "Now that you're retired, let's find you something to do....let's start with the housework." "Now that you're retired we can do the housework together." "I'm just checking on the Stock Market." "Oh. Were you expecting breakfast?" "I hope that you're planning to 'Eat Mor Chickin'. " "I know it's wrong, but I am SOOOOOOOOOOOO tired of eating chicken." Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden "I hope that that's a chicken skin jacket that you're wearing." "Yes, I Was raised in a barn. WHy?" "I see that Michael Ahern is at it again." "Twenty-two years. Twenty-two years he waited. Twenty-Two years...Poor Mrs. O'Leary...." "Secret Agent Cow?" "What'daya mean 'You're a Secret Agent Cow???' " "Did you know that we're color blind? " "This article says that just because we jumped Over the moon, they think we faked the moon landing.' "Have you seen the price of milk? Maybe we should set up a stand." "So who IS making the profit on the cost of milk??" "The high today will be in the 90's; I don't think you'll need the extra layer." "Are we 100% Angus? "Hugh Heifer you're not." "Are you calling in sick again? If you don't watch it, they'll put you out to pasture." "No, I don't think you can call in with Mad Cow. They'll just send you to Anger Management classes." " What's a 3 letter word for 'Name of Talking Horse'...Three???!" "OK,hon...it's a picture of two cows talking....Think!....what funny thing would WE be saying?" CC Cockerham, Greensboro "Better stay away from that Stella, she wants to make the whole world "leatha"." Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro "Work it, Bessie." "What the hell are you wearing? Uh, I mean.moo?" "Wouldn't it be easier just to bury your children instead?" "What's next? A hat made from the skin of baby seals?" "Yet another example of bovine-on-bovine crime." "What's next? Gloves made from the whiskers of homeless kittens?" "Now that's what I call a rump roast!" "Old McDonald raped you?" "And just how are you planning to get back at Mrs. O'Leary anyway?" "Wanna see my tenderloin?" "It says here that you are now the richest woman in America, Mrs. Winfrey." "Nah, I'm not hungry. I'm still digesting grass that I ate ten years ago." "Uh, I don't think Farmer John was milking you, Earl." "The worst thing about having four stomachs? Constipation." "Congratulations. It says here you've been named the centerfold in this year's Farmers Alamanac." Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden "Get this Earl...they're trying to use old art instead of a cartoon this week!" "It looks like Silence Of The Lambs is on at 8." "Who are you supposed to be...Hugh Heffer?" "Let me guess...you want your milk shaken not stirred?" "That's just plain SICK Henry!" "You look 'udderly' ridiculous!!!" "Are you just TRYING to get yourself beat up at the PTA meeting?" "Well I'm sure PETA won't have a problem with THIS now will they?" "What's next...Hamburgers for dinner then a warm glass of milk before bed?" "Well...I've always said you had your mother's eyes and now you've got your fathers thick skin..." "Ewe!" "Do you think going to the Halloween party as a flasher is really the best idea?" "Not tonight Earl...I've got a headache..." "Are you TRYING to make me mad?" (get it?) "The phrase is a 'Wolf in SHEEP's clothing' you idiot!" "Is that what you're planning to wear to the mooovies?" "You meeting with Professor Johnson again? I guess it's a good thing that tonight was Mexican night..." "See why you shouldn't eat the mushrooms in the pasture??" "Wouldn't it have been more appropriate to simply have him cremated?" "If you sing "I've Got You Under My Skin" one more time...." "I just threw up in my mouth..." "This really doesn't honor your mothers memory one little bit..." "Wait...let me guess...there's a Chick-Fil-A joke in there somewhere?" "You look like an overweight porn star..." "The only thing funnier than how you look right now would be watching Darth Vader perform Rhythmic Gymnastics..." "Henry...you're not naked under there are you?" "I really don't have the time to explain to you how wrong that is on SO many levels..." "Hey Earl...the 80's just called..." "Well...Am I also going to be blessed with your "Love Machine" speedo?" "Looks like there's going to be some sour milk in the morning..." "You just made all four of my stomachs turn at once..." "I think your Uncle Sebastian should never, EVER come out of the closet..." Bob Mannary, Greensboro "Well, what do you want me to call you...a stud?" "Well, aren't you a stud?" KrisVoy, Trinity "Off to the park again? "A story here about a flasher....leather coat, flat nose, oops" Pat O'Donnell, Kernersville SNAIL MAIL "Never mind what I think, it's no skin off my back." Helen J. Greene, Biscoe Good one. Hey listen: Eat mor chikin convention expects big bird protest! Frank Freeman, Greensboro ]]> http://blog.news-record.com/staff/joke/2008/08/this_weeks_cartoons.shtml http://blog.news-record.com/staff/joke/2008/08/this_weeks_cartoons.shtml Thu, 14 Aug 2008 15:55:08 -0500 Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com THIS E-MAIL LINK WORKS NOW. (And in case you're wondering, yes, that is a leather coat.) Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering. LAST WEEK'S WINNER So, whadda ya think of my selections? Agree? Disagree? Let me know what you think. Leave a comment. Tell me your pick. Tell me why the ones I picked stink. Or, if you must, tell me how brilliant my choices are. Ok. I became mad with power and I went too far. I’d seen funny captions added to old art before and I thought “you guys can do that.” But although you’ve shown you can make lemonade out of lemons, you can’t make lemonade out of a turkey. Unfortunately, I committed to the concept before finding suitable art and ... well, Gray’s caption just seemed to sum it up best. But to make it up to you this week, we have cows! In leather coats! You like cows don’t you? WINNER Looks like Tim Rickard missed his cartoon deadline this week… Gray Amick, Greensboro RUNNERS-UP "And I thought 'Brevity' stunk. Stephen Botts , Greensboro "With the air taken off his back spoiler, Bobo veers wildly across the track." Joel Tuggle, Archdale And bringing up the rear is a young George Plimpton. Joan Lux, Greensboro We don't know why this amused us, but it did. It was the kind of off-the-wall caption that we hoped this drawing would bring in. Never make a drunken bet with an elephant. Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden Everything was going well until the ill advised wheelie attempt. Tim Tribbett, Greensboro Greensboro Bike Patrol captures escaped elephant Jon Barsanti Jr. "The high cost of fuel has really had an impact on NASCAR." Brent Wooten, Thomasville BEST POEM(s) (A Limerick) Few remember that an elephant rode a bike, No one recalls if he was passed by Mr. Kite; But every kid will forever see, Even those who had therapy, That the creepy clown was a frightful sight. Tom Norman, Greensboro I love to race my bicycle but the small seat made me squirm, it only stands to reason, for I am a pacyderm. So, I got myself a new bike and on this one, I stand up. I just pedal with my front feet, now I could win a golden cup. I travel with the circus. I'll race with anyone. So far I've not been bested, as I am a champion! When the circus came to Greensboro, I raced a man named Tim. He was good. I pedaled hard and barely did I beat him. I liked him. What a good sport! He said he liked me too. Then he sent me a suprise picture of us on "Jokes on You." Yes, that Tim Rickard is a work horse. He is my friend so new. He not only does the Jokes thing, but Brewster Rocket too! Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro "sniff" ... beautiful ... just "sniff" beautiful ... BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE We can't all be lion tamers. Marsha Elam, Greensboro Marsha tells me this is a line from Lawrence of Arabia See also Stephan Botts' "Brevity" reference above. BEST INSIDE JOKE The best was also this week's winner. Touche, Gray. "I wish I hadn't eaten those zebra nuggets." Marsha Elam, Greensboro hee hee. Zebra nuggets. THE REST 1. (Elephant)Wish this guy would get off my bumper, he's following too close. 2. (Man cyclist) Move over you old slow poke! Nancy Nelson " Look ~ No hands ! ! ! " " What Aerodynamics ? " " Hope the front-runner don't get diarrhea ! " " Elephants can fly ! " " Nice draft ! " " He's using his trunk ! " Frank C. Leonard, Lexington, NC "He won't listen. I told him three-wheelers were not allowed in the Tour de France." "My time is good, but I think I need a more aerodynamic helmit." "I'm getting 40 miles per bales of hay with this model." Ken Layton, Carthage "I’m out here making a fool of myself for peanuts while the Ringling boys are getting rich.” Hank Powell, Greensboro It looks like Jon will finish second again This is not the set of Ben Hur Greensboro Bike Patrol captures escaped elephant How front wheel drive cars got there start Big Wheels in the Big Top Before Dumbo met the Wright Brothers Jon Barsanti Jr, Greensboro "With only one driver left alive, Teeny finally navigates a turn." "The mouse long dead, Teeny is finally stopped with a perfectly executed Pit maneuver." "With the air taken off his back spoiler, Bobo veers wildly across the track." "The mouse long dead, Teeny is finally stopped with a well executed PIT maneuver." Joel Tuggle, Archdale All good stuff, Joel It smells like an elephant back here Bill Fischbach, Altamahaw It occurred to Henry that the ex-lax he slipped Pachy the night before might have been a bad idea Anita Fischbach, Altamahaw And bringing up the rear is a young George Plimpton. I still say it's rigged -- the prize is a bag of peanuts. I guarantee that's not a sardine can on the elephant's head. A cyclist, an elephant, and a clown -- so why is this called a hippodrome? You can say "Dumbo" -- being "PC" is in the future. Why NOT to take a teacher to a cycling event: "And then you take the circumferance of the wheels . . . ." I can't see around that beast to pass. Sonny, there's a life lesson here -- if the man just pedals harder . . . . Where's Princess Summerfall Winterspring? Road hog! Road hog!" He got into the bike lane thinking it went all the way to Wal-Mart. Newspaper account: One cyclist muttered, "I thought this bicycle lane went to Wal-Mart." Joan Lux, Greensboro 1.)When the gas crisis worsened NASCAR got a little weird 2.)How the Hadron particle accelerator really works 3.)Although blessed with an excellent memory Tiny would do his best to forget this day 4.)Trevor did his best to dodge his large opponent's strategically placed dung balls 5.)This was the last straw that finally provoked Tiny's tragic rampage. 6.)The hat is a bit much thought the elephant. 7.)Tiny hoped his centrifugal force would keep him from flying off into space 8.)It pays peanuts but the hours are great. 9.) Tragedy ensued when later Tiny hit the wall and burst into flames. 10.)Tiny hoped this would help his quest to join the Olympic cycling team 11.) When the elephant stopped short Trevor found himself performing the world’s first visual prostate exam 12.) Everything was going well until the ill advised wheelie attempt Tim Tribbett, Greensboro Several other good ones here, Tim "Come see Dumbo! So named because he rides his bicycle behind an elephant's backside!" GCFPAdoc, Greensboro This was a contender " I'll grab his tail...let him pull me.. then slingshot to win ! " " He's got a couple legs up on me ! " " No fair ! He's flapping his ears and pushing with his trunk ! " Frank C. Leonard, Lexington "Whoever thought an elephant should ride a bike didn't have my view." Brandon Breeze, Greensboro "Working as a circus clown, it was at this moment, Howard Cosell recalls, when he knew he wanted to be a sports announcer." "Opening day ceremonies at the 1932 games in Suriname." "The apparent winner, Binky's cycle was later disqualified after a post race inspection." Joel Tuggle, Archdale "Under the auspices of an engineer, the new Goodyear bicycle radial is put to the test." "Under the watchful eye of a disguised federal marshal, Binky quickly assimilates to the witness protection plan." Joel Tuggle, Archdale "Did you say the donkey was overseas, he's supposed to be in this circus." Rick Meehan, Graham They need to add a passing lane, because every day the traffic seems to be getting heavier. Janice Woods, Greensboro 1) Come on, Fat Boy! Faster! 2) Next week the training wheels come off 3) After this we'll try the trampoline... 4) Whew! I thought we were saving gas! 5) I'm calling SPCA about this! Bill Beerman, Greensboro Evidence that doping scandals are not new to competitive cycling. David C. Ribar, Greensboro I come out here and pedal round and round for this stupid show everyday and what do I get? PEANUTS!!!!!! "I'd give my right tusk to get out of this dead end job!" Donald Howard, Greensboro Even as he won race after race, Jumbo was concerned that he may be coming under suspicion for performance enhancing drugs. G.A. Rilling, Madison "I should have stayed away from that elephant grass. "Jerry doggedly continued the race in spite of Mr. Elephant's steamy missiles." "Behind the Gun takes on a whole new meaning in the big tent." "Behind the Gun" "I wish I hadn't eaten those zebra nuggets." The Man behind the Gun takes on a whole new meaning in the big tent. We can't all be lion tamers. Republican Circus The Republican's Big Tent Marsha Elam, Greensboro "CNN will be here all night long to provide you with the latest results in the presidential race." Obama courts the Republican vote Bush cheers on McCain Obama flip-flops again Marsha Elam, Greensboro Looks like Tim Rickard missed his cartoon deadline this week. "Even if you win this stage they won't have a yellow jersey that fits you." "Why don't you buy some bike trunks Jumbo, they're tax free this weekend." "Mind if I put some Pepto-Bismol in your water bottle?" "Now I know what they mean by 'Operation Dumbo Drop.'" "The benefits of drafting just ain't worth the fallout." Gray Amick, Greensboro Nice stuff, Gray "Are we there yet?" "I think they sent the wrong tires. I need a caution flag." "Oh, just shut up and pedal!" Reta Beck, Greensboro Look at me, and my former boss said I'd never amount to anything. I joined the circus for this? I now have a better meaning of "downwind." Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden "The answer my friend is blowing in the wind. It is blowing in the wind." Kemp Mattocks "Never forget... Bah! ...THIS I want to forget!" "Eat dust... Sucker!" "He turns down 'Ben-Hur', then he signs me up for this... My agent is a clown." Bill Drummond, Asheboro "Although never proven, the Russian cycling team was suspected of using performance enhancing drugs." "The high cost of fuel has really had an impact on NASCAR." Brent Wooten, Thomasville 1.) Never make a drunken bet with an elephant. 2.) Spring Break, circa 1880 3.) Whenever Fred raced Dumbo, he always ended up losing by a nose. 4.) Lance Armstrong (pictured on right), continues to deny all steroids allegations. Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden "Hey Buddy, either back off or pass me!" "Hey Buddy, either back off or pass me by!" "I wonder if it's too late for us to enter the Tour de France?" "Hey Bobo!!! Guess what?! Next year, you & me, Tour de France!!" "Tim realizes that his childhood dreams of joining the Circus have finally come true." "Tim realizes that the dreams he had while riding his tricycle, of joining the Circus, may just have peaked." As Tim remembers when he first began to dream of joining the Circus, while he was riding his tricycle, he realizes that he may should have been more specific. Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden "As John McCain rides with his friend Bobo, he thinks that maybe an Elephant would be a good to represent the Republican party." John McCain has a flash that ELEPHANT may be just the symbol the Republican party is looking for. "Bill frantically tries to catch up and rationalize with Bobo because he realizes an Elephant never forgets." Since an Elephant never forgets, John pleads with Bobo to understand that it was only one night. Marvin realizes that "3001, A Space Odyssey" looks much different than he expected. Todd thinks to himself "I'm So glad I didn't take that job shoveling poop for Hammer, the Wonder Dog." CC Cockerham, Greensboro The McCain one made the (very) short list "And I thought 'Brevity' stunk. "We can teach an elephant to ride a bike, but we can't put a man on the moon." The first Tour de France. Stephen Botts, Greensboro Nope, his pants are too short to be called "pedal pushers." Think skin-tight cycling shorts will ever catch on? "Row, row, row your boat . . . . " It's a promotion gimmick for spandex. Joan Lux, Greensboro 1. Is that fool drafting again? 2. Dang, I coud use a caution about now. 3. Wait till they get a load of my backflip. David Downing, Greensboro "With a periodic squeeze on his mouse toy, the clown reassures his bet on the big guy!" " A pedaling pachyderm, cyclist, clowns and more. This weekend!" "Man vs. Elephant - Race of the Century" "The cyclist suddenly can't breath. If he doesn't pass, he will pass out!" "The cyclist is unaware of the "surprise"which will follow once he grabs that tail!" "The cyclist posses to pass the pachyderm in pursuit of the prize" "Frighten by the clown's mouse toy, the pachyderm surges ahead!' "Watching the end of the race, the clown reluctantly prepares for clean up!" "The clown has a sudden negative flashback to Friday's massive elephant parade cleanup" "The cyclist realizes that drafting in this race has one big disadvantage!" "The elephant realizes that the prune juice is suddenly working" Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro "Peanut power." " Is his tail beginning to rise?" "I can't see a thing" Elephant:" ow-ow." " This is a nightmare if I don't pass him." James E. Ferrell, Mc Leansville]]> http://blog.news-record.com/staff/joke/2008/08/this_weeks_cartoon_49.shtml http://blog.news-record.com/staff/joke/2008/08/this_weeks_cartoon_49.shtml Fri, 08 Aug 2008 11:29:21 -0500 For next week’s cartoon, we’re going to try a little experiment. Add a caption or dialog to this old engraving. Have fun. Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com THIS E-MAIL LINK WORKS NOW. SOMEONE JUST BROUGHT IT UP TO ME THAT IT WASN’T WORKING BEFORE. Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering. LAST WEEK'S WINNER So, whadda ya think of my selections? Agree? Disagree? Let me know what you think. Leave a comment. Tell me your pick. Tell me why the ones I picked stink. Or, if you must, tell me how brilliant my choices are. This week’s most common captions were variations of “So this is where the yellow brick road leads.” Props to Joel Tuggle for providing the most Oz-oteric captions. Bob Beitzel was up to his usual hijinks. And for this week’s poetry corner, a limerick from Dennis LaJeunesse. And apologies to Tim Tribbett who provided maybe the funniest caption, but it was both a wee-bit obscure and scatological. But a hoot, nevertheless. WINNER You'd think she'd at least send cookies at Christmas-- Miss me most off all, my foot! Tony Hummel, Reidsville Really fit the theme with just obscure enough, but not too much, of an "Oz" reference. RUNNERS-UP "I don't think we're in Kansas anymore." Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough "If I only had a brain...and better prostate health...and kids that visited me...and a porch with a better view....and..." Ashley K., Greensboro "Ding dong, the witch is dead...yeah, this morning... massive stroke." Brandon Breeze, Greensboro "It was a crazy dream. I was in it, and you were there and you were there too." Joel Tuggle, Archdale “Judging from the number of times he gets up at night, he’s missing a bladder too.“ Joel Clark, Greensboro I don't think this is the "home" Dorothy was referring to. Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden Lots of gags with this theme, We just thought this worked best. BEST INSIDE JOKE Some brain the Wiz' gave me. Here I sit retired and never even made runner up in "The Jokes On You"Dan Smith, Greensboro Keep trying, you'll get there. “Any zebra nuggets left?” Marsha Elam, Greensboro I bet that Tim Rickard will not like any of our incontinence jokes! Nancy Nelson Wrong. Scrap thieves almost got Tin Man in Greensboro.... Christine Keaton, Randleman “Calm down Captain Courage, that monkey is in an entirely different panel.“ Joel Clark, Greensboro "I hear the Flying Monkeys were related to that dumb chimp in the last cartoon!" Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro BEST OZ-BSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE A couple that I overlooked that came from a series of Oz books written by Gregory Maguire. "Cheer up lion, at least we're not in Southstairs." Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro If it wasn't enough she was born green,? they gave her the name Elphaba! Polly Flory, Greensboro Today I had a poop of a different color. Tim Tribbett,dvm Greensboro My favorite gag. Made me laugh. But it didn't make the cut mostly because of it's obscure nature. I think I was the only judge who got it. " We belong in OZ section, Lion is in AP ! " ( Name OZ came from filing cabinet section ) Frank C. Leonard, Lexington Oz never did give nuthin to the tin man. Tim Tribbett Greensboro “Why do I always get déjà vu when I listen to Dark Side of the Moon?“ Joel Clark, Greensboro I love Dark Side of the Moon, I feel so in-sync with that record. Darrell Clark, Winston-Salem "In my next life, I want to be a bumbling farmhand." "I can't remember my name but the sum of the remaining sides of an isosceles triangle....." "I know how to escape, we run that way.... but sometimes people go that way." "It was a crazy dream. I was in it, and you were there and you were there too." "I wonder who really put the ape in apricot?" "Lion, now that I'm in charge, bring me the mop of the night janitor." Joel Tuggle, Archdale Brilliant stuff, Joel MATURE AUDIENCES “Remember the wicked witch? I nailed her.” “The Tin Man should be thankful that he still gets a little stiff.” “Did I ever tell you about the time the Wizard showed me his staff?” “The Tin Man says he likes it when you grease him up.” “So there we were: Me, Dorothy, and Auntie Em, all smeared in bacon grease….” “So there we were: Me, Dorothy, and a tank full of laughing gas…” “So there we were: Me, Dorothy, and a five gallon tub of whipped cream…” “I believe it’s called ‘manage a trois’….” “Trust me, dude. That chick Glinda gets wild when you pump a couple of shots of Jager into her.” Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden You own this category, Bob. How come you guys never believe me when I tell you I slept with Glinda? Darrell Clark, Winston-Salem I dont know....I've always been limp. All I said was lubricate him....... Christine Keaton, Randleman "My nurse is so cute. She keeps asking if I want a hay-ride. Still don't get that one." Stephen Botts, Greensboro BEST POEM Since they were not rehired The Oz guys were retired On the porch every day With very little to say Hoping Dorothy would be fired Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro THE REST 1. Who knew that yellow brick would road would end here?! 2. We sure could use that wizard now. 3. That Dorothy, she's a real hottie! 4. With the cost of oil skyrocketing Tin Man is a goner! 5.Cowardly Lion, just tell her how you feel before it's too late! 6. We summoned the wizard but he's busy doing a commercial. 7. That nurse needs to give Tin Man his heart medicine. 8. Dorothy can restuff me anytime! 9. Tin Man is squeaking again. 10. Nothing has been the same since Dorothy went back to Kansas. 11. Those ungrateful munchkins don't come to visit anymore. 12. At least the wicked witch is dead! 13. Even with those glasses,Tin Man can't find his oil can! 14. It's shameful that Dorothy doesn't visit more! 15. I wish Dorothy was my nurse. 16. Guys, Who is this Dorothy????? 17. Dorothy can rock with me anytime! 19. I remember when ...! 19. Tin Man needs a lube job. Nancy Nelson "ROCK OF THE AGED' ERNY KAROLY, Jamestown " Look ! ! ! A Rainbow ! Frank C. Leonard, Lexington "I vaguely remember a little girl with red slippers and an old coot who promised us things." Ken Layton, Carthage "Who ever thought the yellow brick road would lead us here?" Ken Layton, Carthage "So, the Wiz raided your 401K's, too?" Ken Layton, Carthage He's squeaking again. I know...but he can't afford to refill his oil can. Malcolm Burchett, Summerfield Wake up -- wake up -- I just remembered what happened in 1939. I thought we were supposed to live in the past here. I'm just glad they don't allow smoking here. Dorothy's in Room 322 -- time has not been kind. Dorothy still has a great set of pipes -- but not much else. No shoe fetish -- but those WERE pretty red shoes. Great dining room -- meat for you, olive oil for him. If he squeaks one more time . . . . You're sneaky, he's squeaky -- what's my street name? Joan Lux Greensboro " I miss her ! " " You'd think she'd send us a postcard ! " " Heard they're changing the name to Rainbow Inn ! " " Certainly not what Dorothy had in mind ! " " Never thought the Yellow Brick Road would end here ! " " Rock faster, fraidy cat ! " " Now he knows how a lonely heart feels. " " Welcome to the Lonely Hearts Club, pass it on ! " " That smell, it's not oil ! " " Silent but deadly ! " " On your mark, get set, GO ! ! ! " " Wonder if we beat Dorothy home ? " " Where's Dorothy ? " " I thought Dorothy would be here by now ! " " If you had a brain you could figure it out ! " " Go figure ! ! ! " " Let's compute life's journey together. " " All together, NOW ! " " Rock together ! " " Wonder who's squeaking ? " "Mine's a Thinking Chair ! " Frank C. Leonard, Lexington 20. If I only had a brain. 21. I just can't remember her name! 22. Let's just follow that yellow brick road! 23.We need a vacation , lets go to Kansas! 24. I bet that Tim Rickard will not like any our incontinence jokes! 25. Don't make me laugh, I can't hold it anymore! Nancy Nelson I hope Dorothy remembers the Vitorin, the Plavix, and the Aricept. Now that Jack is off SG-1 who's going to make the "Wizard" references? Dorothy still looks hot in the blue and white checked dress. It looks like Toto is having 'fun' with Benji "I don't think we're in Kansas Anymore." NO, I don't want to go watch the Weather Channel. Oh no - Jim Cantore is coming to visit. Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough Pretty rainbow! And then at the big premiere. Hey, you dozing off over there? Isn't it a safety violation to crowd that many little people into one bedroom? Joan Lux Greensboro 26. Cowardly Lion did you lose your medal that the wizard gave you for bravery again! 27. I can't find my diploma! 28. I think Tin Man's heart has stopped tinking! Nancy Nelson "Well, IF I had some Ruby Red Slippers to click, I wouldn't be here either." Rick Snipes, Greensboro A couple of us liked this one. 1) So where's our cut of the rerun profits? 2) Lucky those yellow bricks were real gold! 3) Kansas? Where th' #@*# is that? 4) Where's Dorothy when we need her? 5) Yes, I wrote that script to make this possible! Bill Beerman, Greensboro Age shrivels us all to "Munchkin" size. I dont know....I've always been limp. Miss them? Toto used me like a hydrant. Don't mention the wicked witch...Tin Man's rusted enough... No sequels for us boys. It takes courage and heart to retire not brains. Click click click......nope still here. I am glad Rickard left the monkey behind. All I said was lubricate him....... Fair? Dorothy got Kansas and we got each other.... uhhhhh either mice or nesting again or....... Hearing aides I said...where they gonna go? We had our hay day.... Age means hearts fade, courage withers and......brains fart more. Christine Keaton, Randleman This place isn't my idea of "somewhere over the rainbow." Deja vu all over again -- see that big funnel cloud? It's going to get crowded in here -- big storms in Kansas today. I'm tired of all the singing and dancing -- where's the bingo game? Joan Lux Greensboro Can't sleep Tin Man, you or that chair needs an oil job. Don Rankin, Greensboro 29. Duh! Nancy Nelson "He needs a sandbox, NOW ! " "He's still young at heart ! " "Should've asked the Wizard for youth tonic ! " "I hate it when they seat us alphabetically ! " "We belong in OZ section, Lion is in AP ! " (Name OZ came from filing cabinet section ) "Never saw Dead End sign ! " "Is that a Witch ! " "Witch way now ! " "I feel smart sitting between you guys ! " "Want to play Rock, Scissors, Paper ? " "I see something Yellow ! " "This ain't Kansas ! " "Thought Dorothy was taking us with her ! " "Oh ! To be on the road again ! " "Wish Dorothy would settle down ! " "Too much Dorothy ! ! ! " "Hey ! Curb your dog ! " "One, two, three ! On The Road Again ! Everybody sing ! " That dog needs to be on a leash ! " Frank C. Leonard, Lexington "Hope it's not a tornado !" "We've been Wizard spun !" "Home sweet home !" "Who ever said there's no place like home hasn't stayed here!" "Can't get any rest here with all that squeaking going on!" 'I'm out of here!" "Remember ! I'm the brains of this gang!" "Tin Man is suffering from metal fatigue!" "Growing old is not for sissies ! " Frank C. Leonard, Lexington 30. My new Doc says I've developed and an allergy to straw! Nancy Nelson Good one. 31. Where's the wheel chair ramp, we're not accessible to the handicapped!! Nancy Nelson I hear her ankles swell so bad she can't even get those $#@! ruby slippers off. Do you have gas, or is it time to be oiled again? And remember when she smacked you flat on the nose? He he he ‘cough cough’ I don't think she's coming to visit. You'd think she'd at least send cookies at Christmas-- Miss me most off all, my foot! Tony Hummel, Reidsville "Who would ever have thought the Yellow Brick Road would lead to this" Bob Hudson Uhhhh either mice are nesting again or..... Whose a stuffed shirt? I hung out alot before you guys.... I swept up in Emerald City.... Scrap thieves almost got Tin Man in Greensboro.... Christine Keaton, Randleman "What do you think of our new yellow brick outhouse?!" "I gotta take a wiz" "If they show us that movie again, I'm going to start smoking!" "Dorothy has stopped visiting ever since she made it big in corn futures" "I hear the Flying Monkeys were related to that dumb chip in the last cartoon!" "Our lawyer said the Munchkins abandonment trail will be short" "I hear Dorothy has a new dog, Tutu" "It's too bad, Lion, that your dentures don't fit" "I thought the red shoes clashed with Dorothy's eyes" "I head dinner tonight is again nuts/bolts, course roughage and strained zebra" "Our royalties have run out. This place is being foreclosed" "Altogether now "We are off to see the Wizard...." "Everyone "Somewhere over the rainbow..." "With a brain, courage and a heart, how did we wind up on these rockers?" "With our brain, courage and a heart, let's write a sequel!" Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro 25. I bet that Tim Rickard won't like any of our incontinence jokes! 32. Why do you two keep humming Somewhere Over the Rainbow! 33. Where's Dorothy? 34. Tin Man, I have a feeling we're not in Emerald City anymore! 35. Some people without brains do an awful lot of talking! 36. There's no place like home! Nancy Nelson Yeah! We had it made and then you had to go and eat Toto.. Charles Long, Greensboro "...if I only had a cane!" (picture this with musical notes) Tom Shelmerdine, Greensboro I liked this. It made the short list. 1.)Maybe we should have asked for movie royalties instead 2.)You would think she would call or write but nooooooooooooo 3.)In my day I had to melt 6 witches before noon and the flying monkeys were 6 ft tall 4.)HA! She said she would miss me most of all.Remember?Remember? 5.)Oz never did give nuthin to the tin man 6.)Today I had a poop of a different color 7.)I wish we had known about that melting thing from the start. 8.) That house Dorothy dropped sure came in handy 9.)Tin man I sure hope that was your chair. TIM TRIBBETT, GREENSBORO "If I only had a brain...and better prostate health...and kids that visited me...and a porch with a better view....and..." Ashley K., Greensboro I say it's a stupid rule, "no pets allowed," what about Toto. I miss him so much! "You guys are lucky. My plan doesn't cover this place, so every October I have to stand?outside here like a jerk." "That old farmer keeps pulling pieces off of me and sticking them in his mouth." Stephen Botts, Greensboro " Ouch ! Finally found that needle ... sat on it ! ! ! "Let's draw straws ! Oops ! " " May be tin outside, but heart of gold inside ! " " You belong in AN Retirement Home ! " " His heart is GOLD ! " " Funny ! I can't even remember her name now ! " " We're history now ! " " Stop purring or Tin will put his head in your mouth ! " " No ! She never rolled in the hay ! " " Hayride ! Yes ! Yes ! Yes ! " Stop calling me haystack ! Please ! " " Left or right, a brain is a brain ! " " Who said I was brain-dead ? " Frank C. Leonard, Lexington " Toto's house is lot better than this" Joan Hunt, Greensboro " This sure doesn't look like Kansas to me" Ken Hunt, Greensboro "Are you sure the Wizard said Medicare covers us here?" Ken Hunt, Greensboro Oh, the life I’d be leadin’, and the meals I’d be eatin’ if I only had my teeth. (Sorry, but I had to!) No, I didn’t rock on your tail. Was that your chair squeaking or was it you? How come Dorothy never comes to visit? J. C. Winkler, Greensboro I liked the first (song) one. I said I'd see monkeys fly before I ended up here. J. C. Winkler, Greensboro 1. “Dorothy called last night. Said she moved into a trailer park and should see us soon.” 2. “Remember when we dropped acid and saw all those flying monkeys?” 3. “Am I dreaming she’s dreaming, or is that Dorothy?” 4. “What if it was all just a dream?” Tom Norman, Greensboro Times are tough -- the munchkins are auditioning for Snap, Crackle and Pop ads. Joan Lux Greensboro Stop complainin' Tin Man- you're lucky they didn't recycle you.... Click the heels on your orthopedic shoes and see where you land. Joan Lux Greensboro 36. There's no place like a retirement home! 37. There'll be no monkey business around here! 38. Remember we must tap our heels together three times if we want to see Dorothy! 40. Stuff it! Nancy Nelson Liked the retirement home one (36.) A virtual toss-up between it and the runner-up of the same theme. "CHEER UP BOYS, THINGS COULD BE WORSE. WE COULD STILL BE ON THE ROAD BATTLING THOSE FLYING MONKEYS. BILL FISCHBACH, ALTAMAHAW "WHO KNEW THE YELLOW BRICK ROAD WOULD END HERE." JENELL FISCHBACH, ALTAMAHAW "PHEW ! TINMAN DID YOU SQUEAK? FERN TIMMONS, ALTAMAHAW "Aw, there he’s gone and rusted himself again!" Dianne McLaughlin, Pittsboro I need to be restuffed , Lion, you need to be brave, Tin Man needs a new heart, I say we get off our duffs, we have a life to save, Us old ..... can get Tin Man that new heart. Nancy Nelson "Ding dong, the witch is dead...yeah, this morning...massive stroke." "What use is a brain that can't remember a darn thing?" Brandon Breeze, Greensboro Welcome back, Brandon "When Dorothy said there's no place like home, I didn't think she meant this home." "Hey Tin man, is that your rocker squeaking or is it you?" Frank Beamon, Greensboro Frank, also a good one (first one) but lost out amoung our judges to the runner-up of the same theme. "A heart, a brain, courage..who knew to ask about long term care insurance???" "There's certainly no place like THIS home." Colleen McGuire, Greensboro Also a contender in the best “no place like home” runner-up spot The cornfield I grew up in is now producing ethanol. I never thought back then that I was guarding ethanol. I play the market -- I'm into corn futures. Those crows were on to something when they'd get gassed on over-ripe corn. "As the crow flies" -- now there's a phrase I grew up with. What's a scarecrow's favorite phrase -- "Aw shucks." Joan Lux Greensboro The hardest place to guard cornfields is in western North Carolina. Of course all my jokes are corny. Joan Lux Greensboro … hmmm … no comment … 41. I've had a good life, I'm ready to meet my maker! 42. Stop doing that I can still smell! 43. When we were young lads, we had to walk miles just to get to... 44. If the USA needs more gas, they can have mine! 45. Escape, why I can't even get down those steps! 45. I'd rather Rock than Roll. 46. It's too quiet ,I can't sleep! 46. Where's the outhouse... oops too late?! Nancy Nelson 48. Stop mumbling and speak up! 49. I can't HEAR you! 50. I wish our nurse would come back we're missing "All my Children"! 51. It's time for Jeopardy! 52. Are you cold or is it just me?! 53. I'm tired of eating creamed corn I want a Big Mac! Nancy Nelson " Next stop ! Over the Rainbow ! " " Oh ! Somewhere over the rainbow ! " " Finally ! Home ! " Frank C. Leonard, Lexington 1.? If it wasn't enough she was born green,? they gave her the name Elphaba! 2.? I'm writing a poem. What rhymes with witch? Polly Flory, Greensboro Some brain the Wiz' gave me. Here I sit retired and never even made runner up in "The Jokes On You" Dan Smith, Greensboro Yeah, I could have had a part in Gone With The Wind too, but it was only a cameo in a potato field. Barbara Cashman, Greensboro "Any zebra nuggets left?" "Musical Chairs anyone?" "Anyone up for Musical Chairs?" "All together now...'In the circle, the circle of life..'" "This isn't so bad.I heard they have an Oz Idol night." Marsha Elam, Greensboro "I think we missed a turn." "Where are the winged monkeys when you need them?" "We wouldn't be here if you hadn't run out of oil, Tin Man." "Don't blame me Tin Man. We wouldn't be here if you hadn't run out of oil." Marsha Elam, Greensboro 1, I never imagined that the yellow brick road ended here. 2. Why did the staff dress us like this? Haloween is in October. 3. I thought Dorothy was our friend. 4. This proves it!! Never trust a woman with a sugardaddy wizard.. 5. He feels sluggish-- his oil needs changing. 6. The movie didn't end like this. 7. Why oh why did we trust her? 8. The residents here look strange to me. 9. Is it just me or is this a small porch? 10. I couldn't find Kansas on Mapquest.. 11. Dorothy who? Dave Sheets, Greensboro "There's no place like the rest home." "In my next life, I want to be a bumbling farmhand." "I can't remember my name but the sum of the remaining sides of an isosceles triangle....." "I say we bust out of our Depends and make our own yellow brick road." "I know how to escape, we run that way.... but sometimes people go that way." "It was a crazy dream. I was in it, and you were there and you were there too." "I wonder who really put the ape in apricot?" "Lion, now that I'm in charge, bring me the mop of the night janitor." Joel Tuggle, Archdale If I'd had half a brain I would have saved more for retirement. David Robinette "well that was some brain that the wizard gave me. If I'm so smart, how did I end up here with you two? Dana Smith, Greensboro 1) “My bad!” 2) “ You’re in the wrong place. This is Yellow Brick Court.“ 3) “I’ve got a feeling we are not incontinent anymore.“ 4) “It’s 2:30 pm . You guys ready to go to K & W for dinner?“ 5) “Hey…..when did we come outside?” 6) “It’s been awhile but at one time I could break a camel’s back .“ 7) “Every time I tell them about Dorothy they increase my meds!“ 8) “Calm down Captain Courage, that monkey is in an entirely different panel.” 9) “ Why do I always get déjà vu when I listen to Dark Side of the Moon?” 10) “I remember when this place was nothing but a field of grass, come to think of it, so was I.” 11) “She said she’d miss me the most, now live with it furball!” 12) “He’s mad because now he has to ask the wizard for a pacemaker” 13) “You think you got it bad, I suffer from hayfever! 14) “Judging from the number of times he gets up at night, he’s missing a bladder too” 15) “I know cats and rocking chairs don’t get along but that’s no reason to cry.” 16) “I hear Bush is trying to get Congress to let him drill in the Emerald City.“ 17) “You’re fooling no one but yourself with that fake mane.” 18) “For the last time, I can’t scare away crow’s feet.” 19) “I can’t eat another bite, I’m stuffed.” 20) “Talk about irony. Your courage comes in a bottle, Tin Man has heart disease, and I have attention deficit disorder!!!” Joel Clark, Greensboro "We went from the rainbow to the hill." "Had we held on to the ruby slippers, we'd have in home care too." Phil Valla, Greensboro I wish we had been in Star Wars, they have a lot better meals. Jerry Kyle, High Point "You think the great and powerful Oz (Sharon Ozment) will like it here now that Mo is taking over as head of Guilford County Schools?" Brooke Shaffer 1. Did you really think he was going to pass the airport metal detectors? 2. If you had used the men's room there wouldn't have been a yellow brick road. 3. Next time follow the yellow brick road with no side trips to see Snow White. 4. Stop complaining about not being picked by Tim Rickard, there's always next week. Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden 1. I don't think this is the "home" Dorothy was referring to. Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden WELL,?is?this the end of the yellow brick road?!! Rock Elder, Greensboro "O.K., it's true. I really wanted to wear those red shoes. Is that so wrong?" Reta Beck, Greensboro I really liked this one. Not enough other judges agreed with me, though. Wake up! I just remembered what we were doing in 1939. Joan Lux Greensboro "We gave Dorothy the best hours of our lives, but does she come to visit? No!" "When they told us to follow the yellow brick road, I never imaged it would lead here." "It wouldn't be so bad, but my back can't take the Munchkin-sized beds for one more night." "After everything we did for them, even the Munchkins don't visit." Heidi Huber, ON Canada 1. "Come on lion, say it one time. There's no place like rest home. There's no place like rest home." 2. "Cheer up lion, at least we're not in Southstairs." 3. "You just had to follow the Yellow Brick Road By-pass didn't you?" Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro "Those damn munchkins stole my colostomy bag again!" "Remember the wicked witch? I nailed her." "The Tin Man should be thankful that he still gets a little stiff." "Yeah, me and Carrot Top were an item once. What of it?" "Just how high was Frank when he created us?" "Did I ever tell you about the time the Wizard showed me his staff?" "The Tin Man says he likes it when you grease him up." "So I told Dorothy that if she ever told anyone about me and Toto, I'd kill her." "We needed a brain, a heart, and courage. Who knew we were Democrats?" "So there we were: Me, Dorothy, and Auntie Em, all smeared in bacon grease.." "You try standing in a field all day, having birds crap all over you!" "So there we were: Me, Dorothy, and a tank full of laughing gas." "Just click your false teeth three times and say, 'Please change my diaper'." "So there we were: Me, Dorothy, and a five gallon tub of whipped cream." "I believe it's called 'manage a trois'.." "Trust me, dude. That chick Glinda gets wild when you pump a couple of shots of Jager into her." Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden Let's see if the wizard will give us a prescription plan. GET OFF THE LAWN !!!! Hey munchkins, pull your pants up........young whippersnappers !!! After those flying monkeys brought the wizard's balloon down things really got ugly. I swear guys, Liza Minnelli is my love child. If I had to do it again, I'd ask for a smaller prostate. How come you guys never believe me when I tell you I slept with Glinda ? I heard that Dorothy tried to come back for a visit but accidentally ended up at the prison. He's not dead, we just had a little shower. I love Dark Side of the Moon, I feel so in-sync with that record. Today he thinks he's Bender from Futurama. If he keeps wearing that make-up he'll have to ask for a new lung. Judging by the smell around here, those bricks aren't yellow because they're made of gold. Would you stop, you can't even get one paw behind your back anymore. I don't know why she was in such a hurry to get home. Kansas is God's bowling alley. This place really went down hill after the Oompa Loompas started to jump the border. I hear Dorothy's kid really has some serious issues. Would you look at that. Those sorry flying monkeys are selling drugs right out in the open. I was hoping that the Yellow Brick Road led to Florida. Dorothy's house makes a great place to retire but I can still smell the witch. Here comes another one, hand me the flying monkey spray. I wonder if the wizard can help me get on medicare ? After using the bathroom after you, I know why that munchkin hung himself on the set. You know what they say........once you go munchkin !!! Great, I get a brain just in time to get Alzheimers. Darrell Clark, Winston-Salem Some good ones here, Darrell. Several made the short list "Whatever you do, don't mention 'We're not in Kansas Anymore!' to some guy named Tim Richard." "Whatever you do, don't mention 'We're not in Kansas Anymore!' to some guy named Tim Richard.'.....apparently it turns him into a tornado...& we all know how That goes." CC Cockerham, Greensboro Tim RICHARD? "Who knew we'd Peak with those danged flying Monkeys??" CC Cockerham, Greensboro "What's an IRS Stimulas Rebate?....." CC Cockerham, Greensboro My brain's a little fuzzy today -- where's the Wizard? Between a heart transplant, a brain transplant, and a psychiatrist to bolster courage, we could put a hurt on Medicare. We wouldn't have had our great adventure if there was national health care back then. Sweet nurse on 2nd floor -- her name's "Glinda." Joan Lux, Greensboro " Who said I was a smart aleck ? " " Smart-alecky, who said ? " Frank C. Leonard, Lexington "I think something is wrong. I get a burning sensation when you urinate!" Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden "Yessiree, you fellows will love it here. No witches, wizards, or monkeys. But the best part? None of that whiny 'I-want-to-go-home' Dorothy and that mutt of hers." "I just ran into that McCain fellow again; still mumbling about being president. And they say I have no brains." "And if you do wonder off and get lost, DO NOT follow a golden brick road." "After retirement, I wanted to be put out to pasture. But they stuck me here instead." "My nurse is so cute. She keeps asking if I want a hay-ride. Still don't get that one." Stephen Botts, Greensboro "Hey funnel head, still mad Iron Man made it to JOY before you did?" "We're off to see the proctologist..." "Anyone want to play shuffleboard with the munchkins this afternoon?" "Somewhere over my brain woes..." "Fellas we're in hi-deaf now.".. "Hey Tin Man, don't you wish you had the heart of a lion?" "When's the last time your nephew Iron Man visited you TM?" "I just don't see any resemblance between you and Iron Man." "How was that Pennzoil Pie Iron Man brought you Tin Man?" Gray Amick, Greensboro "His PPO won't cover his oil change." "He is waiting for Terrence Man to come back out of the cornfield." "Jim Cantore said a tornado was spotted in the area." "The allegory of the silver and gold standards was all overblown ..." "Where's Glenda when you need her?" Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough SNAIL MAIL To come ]]> http://blog.news-record.com/staff/joke/2008/07/this_weeks_cartoon_48.shtml http://blog.news-record.com/staff/joke/2008/07/this_weeks_cartoon_48.shtml Thu, 31 Jul 2008 18:01:30 -0500 Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering. LAST WEEK'S WINNER So, whadda ya think of my selections? Agree? Disagree? Let me know what you think. Leave a comment. Tell me your pick. Tell me why the ones I picked stink. Or, if you must, tell me how brilliant my choices are. Once again this week, no strong consensus on a winner. So, the twelve-year-old in me did the picking. Could you tell? Some of you must be on vacation, as I didn’t see several familiar names this week. Wish you were here. And it’s poetry month at the Jokes On You blog. A couple weeks ago, Bob Mannary graced us with a touching Haiku, this week, a poem (of sorts) from Bob Beitzel. I may have to come up with a best poem category. WINNER "I know it was you...it was still warm when it hit me..." Bob Mannary, Greensboro Bob ties Joel in the race to catch CC. RUNNERS-UP This isn't much of a family reunion ... Jon Barsanti Jr. I liked this one. “So you and your friend finally wrote some Shakespeare. Took you long enough.“ Joel Clark, Greensboro Very clever. "How could you miss 'prehensile' on the spelling test?" Kris Voy, Trinity "Tarzan no able to get new iPhone to work either." David C. Ribar, Greensboro I liked the goofy nature of Kris' and Davids' WHAT kind of business? Bill Beerman, Greensboro Surprise! "Am I adopted?" Frank C. Leonard, Lexington "I'm not your uncle, it's just an expression." Stephen Botts, Greensboro And one more thing, I'm really tired of cleaning the hair out of the shower drain. Darrell Clark, Winston-Salem MATURE AUDIENCES I've seen your room. It's a case of monkey pee monkey poo . Darrell Clark, Winston-Salem “Sorry about last night. I believe they call it having ‘jungle fever’…. “ “Tarzan looking for some jungle love, O-Wee-O-Wee-O….” Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden “Remember, if anyone asks, we were just wrestling….” Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden “Don’t argue with me, just put the wig on!” Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden “Yes, that is what they mean by ‘blowing bubbles’!” Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden You need help, Bob. "Don't make me spank you..." "As a matter of fact that WAS a banana in my pocket!" Bob Mannary "Banana Flavored Condoms!!! Where'd you get That idea??" CC Cockerham, Greensboro “Yes, it IS a banana in my loincloth, and No, I'm not happy to see you." CC Cockerham, Greensboro BEST POEM (from Bob Beitzel) “How do I love thee, let me count the ways: Thy silky back hair; the way thy eats a banana with such loving care; the graceful way thee throweth thy waste; and most mportantly, thy inability to call the authorities.” M. Jackson, Neverland Ranch Seriously. Seek help. BEST INSIDE JOKE "Look...just give me a darn caption for the picture already..." "I don't know why they do it either...it's for entertainment purposes only and they can't even wager." Bob Mannary BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE “Can I have your autograph, Mr. Tork?” Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden “You damned dirty ape!” Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden (Fire up the time machine for this reference) But I thought my "ugh-ugh" enhanced your "Aba Daba Honeymoon" song. Joan Lux Greensboro And now for the gratuitous Looney Toon reference: "I sure hope Petrillo doesn't hear about this." Bob Mannary C'mon Bob, any Looney Toon reference, anytime. Just try and get one past me. (The "never forget a face" one doesn't count, as Groucho Marx first said that.") Bucky's looking for you. (think Fuzzy) David Downing, Greensboro THE REST "I'm still evolving, OK? Give me a break!" Margaret Patton, Greensboro "What exactly are you saying about Charles Darwin and evolution?" Mark Rosenbaum, Greensboro 1. I'm getting to old to swing from the vines! 2. Stop with the monkey business. 3. Did you have to eat ALL the bananas? 4. You've been sold to an organ grinder! 5. No Geico doesn't want you! 6. You want Jane to scratch your head. 7. Looks like it's time for another flea bath! 8. Jane doesn't even scratch my head! 9. Stop doing that you'll go BALD! 10. What do you mean, a caveman can't do it? 11. What do you mean monkey see monkey do?! Nancy Nelson "Have you tried Head and Shoulders?" Harvey B. Herman, Greensboro "You may look like my mother-in-law, but that doesn't mean we're related." "Mom, what did my daddy look like?" "Dad, you promised that I'd grow up and be as handsome as you." Ken Layton, Carthage "I may be out on a limb here, but I think it's too bad we didn't keep all that hair". April Baker, Greensboro " Yes ! We have NO bananas ! " " Where are all our bananas, sherlock ? " " Cheetah say Jane eating us out of house and home. Jane say it Cheeta ! " " Where's my vine, Sherlock ? " " Wonder whose teeth marks those are on my vine ? " " Think no evil ! Now that's certainly original ! " " Think no evil ! " " Who said you where here first ! " " Me can hang ten with no vine too ! " Monkey see, monkey do ! " " I can't hang around long ! " " Haircut ! Look whose talking ! " " Stop using body lanuage ! " " Your question has me stumped ! " " Your question has me out on a limb ! " " I'm thinking of installing monkey bars. " " What makes you think monkey bars would help ? " " I want to know my genealogy ! " " Am I adopted ? " " Roots ! What are my roots ! " " Tell me about the family tree ! " " Tell me about our family tree ! ! ! " This is a good place to discuss the family tree. " " Is this my branch of the family tree ? " " So this is my branch on the family tree ! " " You told me this was my branch on the family tree ! " " You are on my branch of our family tree ! " " Why do you question my lineage ? We're on the same branch of the family tree ! " Frank C. Leonard, Lexington "What do you mean, where did I come from?", or "What did you do with my vine? I want to swing over and see Jane." Charles Cameron, Greensboro Where's your prehensile tail, or did it evolve into something else like mine did? Someone has to be the leader -- let's try rock . . . what are the other 2? You're obviously an Old World monkey -- see if you can catch up. I'm sure the City Council will discuss our plight at their next closed session. Ever heard the saying, "This limb's not big enough for both of us"? Of course I appreciate your intellect -- you're scratching the right end, aren't you? Joan Lux, Greensboro 1) Me Tarzan. You Jane? 2) Monkey see, monkey what? 3) WHAT kind of business? 4) I suggest you try a different shampoo! 5) That cartoonist left us out on a limb! 6) No, my folks got here before yours. Bill Beerman, Greensboro "Her name's Wilma and she's mine..." "I know it was you...it was still warm when it hit me..." "No I'm NOT your Uncle..." "Who are you and what have you done with Dino?" "Me Tarzan...hope to GOD you not Jane?" "Look...just give me a darn caption for the picture already..." "OK...here are the choices...'We just met and you're already trying to change me, 'I’m not real. You dropped acid about a ½ hour ago.' and 'Uhm... have you tried eHarmony?' whatcha think? "I know it was you...there's a Barrel of Monkeys on the nightstand and a banana peel in the bathroom sink..." "Who left your barrel open?" "No I don't know where Mr. Peebles lives." "OK...now rub your stomach at the same time..." "I sure hope Petrillo doesn't hear about this." "What's a Haiku?" "Brewster Rockit...from the funnies...you know...Space Guy??" "Just leave it on the ground next time..." "I don't know WHY they used the word SPANK..." "Sorry buddy, they closed Neverland years ago..." "If you don't stop putting Chiquita stickers on my back I am going to kill you!" "Don't make me spank you..." ;-) "Who ELSE would've covered the entire television screen with Chiquita Banana stickers?" "Look...for the last time...STOP LEAVING YOUR BANANA PEELS IN MY UNDERWEAR DRAWER!!!" "Wherever you drop it, leave it!" "I've seen you before. I never forget a face. But in your case, I'll make an exception..." "Where did you hide my nipples THIS time?" "As a matter of fact that WAS a banana in my pocket!" "No, I didn't bring you a banana so STOP reaching in my pocket!" "Never mind how I got up here...where's the TV remote?" "Look...I appreciate the thought but I prefer to groom myself thank you..." "One more prank like that and it's off to the zoo with you!" "Yes I'm serious...all you have to do is draw a cartoon and then pick a caption for it from the readers..." "I don't know why they do it either...it's for entertainment purposes only and they can't even wager." "Quit trying to give me the slip..." "Sorry...I'm just glad to see you..." "Yes it IS so easy even a caveman could do it.." Bob Mannary, Greensboro 12. I don't have time to monkey around. 12. I Tarzan, King of the Apes, you just monkey! 13. Jane say she going back to city? 14. Jane want me to build bigger treehouse. 15. Ugh,Jane wants me to lose weight! 16. You speak foreign language can't understand you! 17. I'm thinking about moving into a cave. 18. Jane say she pregnant need more tree space! Nancy Nelson " It is puzzling, both of us from same branch of family tree ! " " You know I'm no good at sigh language ! " Frank C. Leonard, Lexington The bananas were recalled - how about coconuts? George, why are you so curious about Jane? No, I haven't seen a man with a yellow hat. For the last time, BJ & the Bear is not out on DVD! There are not casting calls for Jumanji 2. Do I look fat in this? They voted ME off the island ... No Bananas Foster for you tonight. This isn't much of a family reunion ... Jon Barsanti Jr, Greensboro You seem puzzled Polly Flory "I'm Tarzan, King of the jungle, so who do you think you are, questioning my authority? Dana Smith, Greensboro NC 19. NASA wants to sent you into outer space! 20. George I am Curious as to why you're always scratching yourself! 21. So you're George of the Jungle! Nancy Nelson 1. Bucky's looking for you. 2. You've gotta quit slinging your stuff at Jane. 3. For crying out loud. It's not a banana already. David Downing, Greensboro Why are we