THIS WEEK'S CARTOON
Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com
Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.
LAST WEEK'S WINNER
So, whadda ya think of my selections? Agree? Disagree? Let me know what you think.
Leave a comment. Tell me your pick. Tell me why the ones I picked stink. Or, if you must, tell me how brilliant my choices are.
Well, You impressed me. I honestly didn't think you could do much with this week's cartoon, but by golly, you came up with some clever and varied stuff. Sure there was the occasional "Garden of Eden" reference, but probably the most common theme was the movie "Snakes on a Plane."
Bob Mannery came within an eyelash of becoming a three-peat champion, Cathy Cockerham regined her crown by capturing her fourth win. And Andy Ralston-Asumendi and Brandon Breeze just barely missed being added to the runner-ups.
And, Mr "I. M. Deefuneemon," that is a new record. And I liked the one that said the News & Record is a great paper (see? I did read them all. But I hope you get carpel tunnel.) Seriously, a lot of your entries were amusing in a post-modern sort of way.
WINNER
"...Then I wake up screaming 'SHOVEL'."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro
What gave this one the edge over Bob's was that this seemed more like something a snake would say to his shrink, where Bob's sounded more like something a snake would say to his doctor. Context. Something to keep in mind when writing captions.
RUNNERS-UP
"I was scared to death! Thought it was a tumor!! Turns out it was just something I ate..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro
Yet another strong entry by Bob
"..that's the last time I'll take a plane!"
eli oklesh
The most subtle, and therefore the best, "Snakes on a Plane" gag.
I found out today the love of my life is a hose ...
Christine Keaton, Randleman
The only bright side to the apple fiasco -- everyone isn't naked in public.
JOAN LUX, GREENSBORO
The best of the Garden of Eden gags.
"Then Fluffy the cat goes missing, of course you know who gets the blame."
Alan Parrish, Archdale
Nice one
THE REST
Medusa decides to go short, and I end up slithering on the ground. I have issues.
I hate being typecast. Ever since Eve in the Garden ....
Do you think I am crazy to move to the Big Apple?
The sorting hat said Hufflepuff! Can you believe it?
Jon Barsanti
"It's not easy being green..."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro
"Don't even get me started on that whole St.Patrick's thing!"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro
"I think my insecurity started when I realized that my family was driven out of Ireland..."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro
"Well, YOU touch me; I'm Not slimy!!!"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro
"I don't know if I'd say I'm religious, but we go to the Primitive Baptist Church every Sunday."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro
1) "In this nightmare, a man keeps coming at me with a shovel!"
2) "I know that I got away, but I keep seeing that shovel getting closer and closer."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro
1) "I think that I'm suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome."
2) "I screamed at mom to not cross the road...I think that I'm suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro
Well it all started in the "Garden of Eden"!
Jerry Amos, Oak Ridge
"It's hard being blamed for the fall of mankind."
"Back then, nobody was PC. They just said I was mean as a snake."
"Whenever I would slither by, they would point and call me an asp."
"You might as well start on the premise that I'm not telling the truth."
"Lose the notepad, Doc. Who's analyzing whom here?"
"Wow, your receptionist is hot. Have you ever thought about..."
"People see me and just assume I'm a liar."
"Why are you writing this down? It's been published in Genesis."
"Imagine my happy place? How about a lush green garden, full of fruit..."
"Of course I have traumatic memories! How many people come after you with a shovel every day?"
"Lighten up, Doc. It's not like I'll drag the whole world down with me."
"You look like you could use some prune juice this morning!"
"When I saw Dr. ELMER FUDD on the door, at first I thought it was a joke!"
Kris Voy, Trinity
Some good ones here, two made the short list.
Doc, I can't shake this feeling that I'm a mongoose trapped in a snake's body.
Joe Matthews, Greensboro
I kinda liked this one. Fit the drawing well.
"Doc, I was mortified. . .I was in front of the church's congregation, and I started shedding my skin. . ."
KEN LAYTON, Carthage
Another contender, but I think this would have worked better if it happened in school - like the common bad-cream everyone has of being in school in one's underwear.
All I said was "take a bite, you'll like it"
John Ford, High Point
"Then, I told Eve it was a MacIntosh."
Glenda Layton, Carthage
"And, I dreamed I was being invited into a shoe factory."
KEN LAYTON, Carthage
"Why me? Why am I the only one to get the willies???
Jonathan Sparrow-Greensboro
Good
1.) "I never knew my father. He just molted and took off."
2.) "I don't understand it. You give someone one apple and you're branded for life."
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden
"Well Doc, my ego was smashed when I didn't ask the question they gave me and Hillary had me banished to the jungle."
Ben Morris, Greensboro
"Take two asp-irin and call me in the morning"
Laura Richardson, Greensboro
Honest, I will find my wife's killers as soon as Nancy Grace leaves me alone.
Brian Greene of Greensboro
I'm so depressed. I don't have a pit to hiss in.
J. C. Winkler, Greensboro
".....and not one team has chosen me as their mascot."
Carolyn Mitchell, Greensboro
"..then I tried my hand at produce distribution, but that cost me an arm and a leg."
"...it was legitimate stuff, but they accused me of selling 'people oil'."
"...I have a gambling problem. They all call me 'Ol' People Eyes.'"
"...before I knew it, I had killed him. Killed him in warm blood."
"...Ya know, this position isn't incredibly relaxing."
"...don't even get me started on the giant rolling ball!"
eli oklesh
Sometimes I have a dream that I'm just a snake.
Jim Lanik, Greensoboro
All I did was give her an apple off the tree!
Tom Thompson, Greensboro
"Sometimes a snake is just a snake!"
Andy Ralston-Asumendi, Greensboro
And a cigar is just a cigar, eh? - nice one.
"My wife thinks I'm an asp."
"Lately I've not been feeling comfortable in my own skin."
"My life is so constricted."
"The trouble started when I gave away that apple."
"Once I did try to constrict myself."
Brent Wooten, Thomasville
I liked the constrict himself one.
I wouldn't be homeless had they named it Seiko Auto Insurance.
The geckos get all the work these days.
John Groves- Greensboro
"I was doing good up until "Snakes On A Plane."
It just went down hill from "Snakes on A Plane"
"I think I ate my kid"
"I think I ate my wife"
"The last thing I can remember is they killed him with a shovel."
" I promise I didn't know it was Tweety Bird"
"I seriously didn't now it was Jiminy Cricket"
"I am the Lock Ness Monster!!!!"
"It's my job to be protective, I AM a constrictor"
"I was just giving her a hug and then."
"I was just giving her a hug that's all"
"Look at you using your hands and all"
"I just can't multi-task"
"You just don't know what it's like being around Brittney's neck"
"I was behind bars and I didn't even do anything bad."
"When that bird blinded me in Harry Potter, he really did."
"Our national bird killed my brother and nobody cares, I kill him and I'm
serving 3-5."
"People need to know I'm more afraid of you than you are of me"
"I have been made fun of for being a gardener snake."
"We snakes are just as smart as you. but we still don't have thumbs."
"The only think that separates us is the fact that you have thumbs"
Park G. Greensboro 13
A couple from this list were contenders.
Its just not the same without Steve .....
The White House said they had enough "sneaky snakes" in the Senate.
Why are all snake comparisons so nasty?
Christine Keaton, Randleman
I dont know why Bill got mad. All I did was tickle Hillary with my tongue!
Christine Keaton, Randleman
I'm a snake not a worm
Snakes have feelings too
My head may be square but I'm not a snake loser
It's hard to stop smoking but even harder to start for me because I'm a snake with no arms
Let's play snakes and ladders
My washing machine is broken okay!? I'm a snake not a dry cleaner.
It's hard being green.
Let's see George Bush eat a mouse in one bite like a snake
I wanted the pudding so bad Rudy Theo, I'm a snake Rudy!
Too much turkey, too much turkey, too much snake turkey
It all started when my Dad took off my training wheels but I'm a snake
I was deprived a snakechildhood
I'm a snake not a terrorist
Believe me, it's not hard getting through airport security, you know snakes on a plane?
I hate my life; the only good thing is getting two sets of socks when I buy a pair because I have a tail because I'm a snake
You should see me dressed up like a turkey but I'm really a snake
I do not like this souljaboy kid he's one bad snake
I can't even use a microwave or a laser printer because I'm a snake. Get it? Get it?
Snakes eat snacks, it's what we do
I've always been a boxers kinda snake.
You know, the News and Record is the best newspaper in the triad area, it has the most readers and most commercial endorsements. Snakes like it too
I wanna pown some noobs like snakes
Nilla Wafers? Who eats those? Snakes?
You should see my family tree snake
I can play an instrument, because I know my scales because I'm a snake
I is snake Cosby you see
Make breakfast for your snake children!
They turned my brother into a snake skin wallet.
You see I just love waffle house its snakey delicious
Snake popcorn, It's in the bag. Yeah!
Jackie Chan is a snake's favorite ninja
Crayons are better than markers, for snakes that is
Yes I can play the snake PIANO!!
I don't wanna be a rake I don't wanna be a cake so I'll be a snake clap clap clap
Eat at McDonalds? Why would a snake like me do that???
I just want to eat some yogurt its good for snakes
And then in third grade, the other snakes made fun of me and my lunchbox
I think border control is awful these days, for snakes
My wife said she'll be comin around the mountain when she comes, and she's a snake
Canadian bacon? What's so great about that I mean really they got the bacon what's the difference? Snakes can't tell
I found 101 uses for duct tape, but none of them work for… snakes!
Buda Duh duh duh duhhhh SNAKES!
Al Gore gives snakes a bad name.
Jerry Seinfeld is not as funny as a good leopard snake
Beaver costume, $2, walnut flavored pudding, $5, squishy telephone pole, $9, bad snake jokes, priceless.
You know, parted haircuts look bad on snakes.
Old people that read comic books don't associate with snakes
Is this snake skin leather?
With gasoline prices, I really have to ride a snakebike
I really invented the hair dryer, and I'm a snake! A SNAKE!
Yes doctor, it's true this is my fifty fourth bad snake joke almost a record!
I just want you to take me to FUNKY town because I'm a snake
I can't drink caffeine after 8:00 pm, I'm a snake
I'm not superman, I'm a snake
Yes, Dora, I'm a snake I'm a snake I'm a snake! I'M A SNAKE!
Pour some snake food on meeee! I love the 80's
Save the whales? , what did they ever do for you? Or snakes
How come you never see snakes on wheel of fortune?
My snakefather said I couldn't play with Barbies, I had to play tail ball!
I just don't see why Hillary Clinton denies she's one of us snakes!
My rapping career went down the snake drain!
My life is not complete until I can play racquet ball, I’m a snake!
Janice? Did you let this snake with bad jokes in?
HEY DOCK, IT'S A NEW SNAKE JOKE RECORD! YEAHHH!
I. M. Deefuneemon, Greensboro
You get kinda punch-drunk reading these, and by the end they're all funny.
Sssssssigmund, I have issssssuessssss.
Myra Johnson, Siler City
Barack told me Hillary liked snakes so ...
Christine Keaton, Randleman
"I never said she 'had' to eat the apple."
"So, I was on my way home with an apple for the family when this pushy woman...
Dr. Michelle Davidson, Oak Ridge
"I think the biggest problem is that he never hugs me!"
"I've never been charmed so easily."
"...but when Paula wrote that song I knew it was over for good."
"I think I need a vacation, so I can still not stretch my legs."
"I wanted a new lease on life. Suddenly, tormenting GI Joe was losing its allure."
"..so I started wondering, 'Is there more to life than just tormenting GI Joe?'"
"My last name is 'Armstrong,' so you can imagine I got picked on in school."
Eli Oklesh, Greensboro
1.) "I don't know how many times I have to tell people: I don't know that Geico fellow."
2.) "Something's wrong with me. I fell in love with a garden hose."
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden
Good garden hose gag, but Christine's was worded better
"Well Doc, my ego was smashed when I didn't ask the question they gave me and Hillary had me banished to the jungle."
"I suspect my wife treats me differently 'cuz I'm no longer venomous."
"Well, I think I'm in love with a sock puppet."
"This may sound crazy, but even I'm afraid of snakes!"
"I'm here to deal with my phobia about snakes."
"We've been getting a bad rap since Genesis."
"Since the day I was hatched, I've felt different from other people."
"I don't know why everyone calls me a snake. Am I missing something?"
"I suspect my wife treats me differently 'cuz I'm no longer venomous."
"Well, I think I'm in love with a sock puppet."
"This may sound crazy, but even I'm afraid of snakes!"
"I'm here to deal with my phobia about snakes."
"We've been getting a bad rap since Genesis."
"Since the day I was hatched, I've felt different from other people."
"I don't know why everyone calls me a snake. Am I missing something?"
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro
Liked the afraid of snakes one.
It all goes back to the Eden days, we have been discriminated against every since then.
How would you feel if all you had to eat was mice and bugs every day, every day
Don Rankin, Greensboro
"I keep having this crazy dream about a woman named Cleopatra. What does it mean, doc?!"
Heli K. Benson, Greensboro
"...and then this guy named Adam shows up and Eve tries to blame it all on me".
Jack Alford, Greensboro
"Yes, my fear of mice is a problem. I'm starved!"
"I was Hitler in my past life? Well that explains a lot."
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro
"So you are saying that because I am similar in shape to an elephant's trunk that I have peanuts envy?"
"And that's when Britany Spears mistook me for her child..."
"I'm tellin' ya, doc, envy is is what got Eve to give Adam that apple."
"Look, I was hungry and I'm sorry that Mickey Mouse looked like a hamster from that angle."
"So I try to explain to the woman that it was a serpent, not a snake, in the Garden of Eden."
"Man, I wish I had legs."
"Disney is ruining me, doc, mice should be lunch, not cuddly cartoon characters."
"You are right, doc, I've always wanted to constrict my father and shed with my mother."
"Look, Jedd Hughes had it coming -- he ruined all our reputations."
Zagros Madjd-Sadjadi, High Point
(Zargos notes that Country star Jedd Hughes recorded "Snake in the Grass")
1.) "It all started when my wife left me for that Geico character."
2.) "..and then I quit being a lobbyist and went back under my rock."
3.) "I find myself strangely attracted to garden hoses."
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden
"All I said was, "If you're hungry, why don't you just eat an apple...", then all hell broke loose!"
"Tell you about my Mother?!?!? It's taking everything I have not to slide out of this chair and on to the floor!!!"
"Every night it's the same dream...there I am surrounded by the tallest, greenest grass you've every seen..."
"The dream is horrible...they made me into a pair of cowboy boots...but that's not even the worst part...I absolutely HATE country music!!"
"My mother...she was an amazing woman...and my dad...I think he was in the oil business...a salesman or something."
"A gecko!! I lost the audition to a silly talking GECKO!"
"You know...I might just not be the one who needs his head examined..."
"So were human patients first or are they next?"
"Has anyone ever told you that you look like Mr. Spock?
"No...I said you look like MISTER Spock!"
"I thought Snakes On A Plane would be a comedy!"
"So...we finally decided that last night would be THE night so I put on a little Barry White and slide out of my skin and as soon as I do...she starts to laugh!!!"
"Holding up his pants wouldn't be the worst part...it would be holding the Earnhardt buckle in my mouth that would be humiliating!"
"Well aren't YOU quite the charmer..."
"I'm in the middle of a dark room and all can hear is the creek!, creek!, creek!, of dozens of rocking chairs all around me..."
"So was the Asheboro Zoo your first choice?"
"$200.00 an hour and you're calling ME the snake!?!?!?!"
"The kids are so mean...I can't help it if I have a lisp..."
"She's driving me crazy...she's such a pain in the ASP about EVERYTHING!!"
"I know they say size doesn't matter but I just can't help feeling a little inadequate..."
"I was scared to death! Thought it was a tumor!! Turns out...just something I ate...but I'm still a bit rattled about the whole ordeal..."
"I shake it and I shake it but it just doesn't rattle..."
"...then the bartender says..."Tap it more than twice and you're just playing with it!""
"Hundreds of baskets EVERYWHERE and she keeps calling my name but I don't know which one she's in...and the flute music keeps getting louder and louder..."
"So I like to Garden...is that such a crime?"
"Sat through the entire movie and it turns out he's just some dumb boxer from Philly!"
"Sometimes I just feel so constricted in my own skin..."
"Is this going to be a part of my Permanent Record?"
"After seeing Boogie Nights I've just never really been the same..."
"No matter how hard I try I just can't do multiplication!"
Bob says: "nobody will get this one...he's an Adder"
"I should've been King..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro
I don't know what my problem is, but I just feel so rattled all the time.
I don't know exactly when my problems started, but I think it was back in that garden.
Richard Worden, High Point
You lack empathy, Doc -- when was the last time someone yelled "PSYCHIATRIST" when they spotted you?
Too bad the FDA stepped in -- I'd feel better with a prescription for snake oil.
Naive? Well, I am still waiting for Santa to bring me a slinky toy.
My mother is constantly bugging me about my exaggerated slither.
I've been taken for too many rides by WAY too many snake charmers.
I'm probably over-sensitive about the phrase "lower than a snake's belly."
I DO have a backbone, thank you!
I have a recurring nightmare about a hoe.
My neighborhood is on the skids thanks to all the new construction going on.
It's lonely out there -- nobody builds habitats for snakes.
Mom keeps telling me not to stick my tongue out at people.
JOAN LUX, GREENSBORO
"I have an overbite problem. I keep biting my victims over and over"
"It all started in that garden...."
"I live in an open tank. There is no privacy when I shed"
"I can't control myself when that flute plays"
"They feed me mice, mice, mice. I nice gerbil or hamster would a welcomed change"
"That plane movie scared me near to death!"
"The others snakes taunt me "Pain in the Asp, Pain in the Asp""
"When I wear glasses, they call me Snake Eyes Snake Eyes"
"I dream about having arms and legs and being loved"
"I have this nightmare about marrying a mongoose and being the meal served at the reception"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro
"Talk about mistaken identity! It all started with my cousin and some fruit in a garden!"
Jody R. Martin, Greensboro
For the last time, my name is Phil Ick, not Phal!
Michael Pearce, Reidsville
So, Doc, how many people pick up a stick and run away screaming when they see you?
My ancestors were in trees in the pre-apple days.
I need to talk through my guilt over that "apple incident" many millennia ago.
I still can't force myself to eat applesauce.
JOAN LUX, GREENSBORO
"Is it wrong to want to take my girlfriend Eve on a date to the apple orchard?"
Phil Valla, Greensboro
"It's the same nightmare, I'm trying to swallow an alligator."
"I just feel lower than my own belly."
"People take one look at me and assume the worst."
"I've been paranoid ever since my brother became a pair of boots."
"And I said, I'm not hissing, it's a speech impediment."
"Ever since that whole Garden of Eden thing we've all been stereotyped."
Alan Parrish, Archdale
...and ever since then I've had a fear of flying.
Barbara Cashman, Greensboro
"The problem, Doc, is that ALL of my dreams have phallic symbols."
Scott Romine
1) " Who in the world could be tempted by an apple anyway?"
2) " You gotta help Doc. I'm scared of snakes."
3) " It bothers me that I can never wear a vest."
4) " Yesterday I bit a man wearing snake skin boots, now I feel all icky inside."
5) " I took a turtle to see the movie Snakes on a Plane, and now she won't return my calls."
6) " I found pictures of my girlfriend taking her skin off on the internet."
7) " My mother always says to be more like my brother. My brother was made into a wallet."
Joel Clark, Winston-Salem
Liked the wallet one, Joel.
Here's my submission for this week: "It all started in the Garden of Eden.
Pat O'Donnell, Kernersville
I found out my family cannibalized my cousins....
Adam and Eve ate the apple so why am I the bad guy millions of years later??
Crikey I miss Steve as much as Terry and Bindy!
Christine Keaton, Randleman
Hey Doc, why do I get all the blame? I,m not the one that ate the apple.
Joe Richardson, Asheboro
Doc, I still can't sleep at night, It's been eight months and the police still don't have any clues on who killed my friend Steve, who they found flattened on the road
Joe Richardson, Asheboro
I thought donating my body to science was noble, but frankly the tapping on my cage is driving me nuts.
Cathy FitzGerald, Greensboro
This one had strong potential, but wasn't quite there ...
It all started when I married a lawyer and my family disowned me.
Cathy FitzGerald, Greensboro
Like this one too
"This is the first session that I've been able to totally uncoil."
"It's still the gecko envy issue."
Gray Amick, Greensboro
"Hey Doc, I'm laying it on the line here, I didn't bite anyone."
Margie Ellington, Reidsville
"Well......I didn't slither my way in there."
Margie Ellington, Reidsville
" Doctor, I keep having nightmares about a woman feeding me a apple".
"........and Doctor, that is when my head got stuck between a rock and a hard place".
" My kids left me, I can't find a mate, have not eaten in days, and................".
" Doctor, I don't see your snake doctor degree on the wall".
"Sir, if I don't get help soon I am gonna lose my skin".
" Losing my skin is driving me up a tree".
James E. Ferrell, McLeansville
"You don't care about snakes your wearing my brother as a boot"
"First off, your floors are filthy!"
"I am trying raissse awarenesssss for cleaner floorsss but nobody takess me sssserioussssly."
"Mickey was still making jokes as he was sliding down my throat"
"I didn't know it was Mickey and now I got the Disney Mafia after me, you don't know how mean 5 year olds can be."
"I know I'm a fat kid that's why I have no friendssss."
"So you're an expert in snake weight loss?"
"Instead of putting me in a medical induced coma why don't you just use a snake charmer for the operation?"
"I wasss made fun of for having a lisssp asssss a kid."
Park G., Greensboro
SNAIL MAIL
1. "What's up with your kids playing 'Snakes and Ladders'?"
2. "I'm tired of being called a snake in the grass."
3. "I'm green, why can't I get a job like that Gecko."
4. "I know I shouldn't have told Eve about that apple tree."
5. "Any advice as to how I can get humans to like me?"
6. "I notice you have a snake emblem on your medical license."
7. "My wife says I hiss too much."
8. "What's wrong with speaking with a forked tongue?"
9. "Aron showed that Pharaoh the power of God when he turned his staff into a snake."
10. "My mate is about to lay eggs and I'm not ready to be a father."
11. "I am cold blooded, but that doesn't mean I'm cold hearted."
12. "Don't tread on me."
13. If people would respect my space I wouldn't scare them."
14. I only eat insects and spiders, species humans don't care much for anyway."
Nancy Nelson, Greensboro
Kinda liked the not ready to be a father one
"Hey Doc ... Have you heard? Geico now has a new f-l-a-t rate and l-o-n-g term policy for your car!"
Gail Frazier, Greensboro
"Why do people not trust me? Is it because I am a snake!"
Ronald J. Hairston, Greensboro
"So you really think I won't need to worry about paying taxes next year."
"How many times do I have to tell you, I do not have my Christmas list made."
Helen, J. Greene, Biscoe, N.C.
"A pile(?) of rock star like me doesn't mind the hisses, it's the boos!"
"... And then I said, "Don't asp, don't tell."
"...And then I told froggie "All I need is a hug."
Frank Freeman, Greensboro
"Doc, you've got to give me something strong for this acid reflux - or shorten my esophagus."
Jim Hayes, Burlington
"It's not my fault Doc, this man said he hadn't had a bite in three days - so I bit him."
Steve Costanzo Sr., Jamestown
Rim-shot
"I keep having nightmares of being on a plane with Samuel Jackson."
Linda Satterfield, Greensboro
