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Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com

Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.

LAST WEEK'S WINNER
So, whadda ya think of my selections? Agree? Disagree? Let me know what you think.
Leave a comment. Tell me your pick. Tell me why the ones I picked stink. Or, if you must, tell me how brilliant my choices are.

Whooops. As was pointed out by Dave Sheets and Dennis LaJeunesse, I left the dates off the sashes. It was suggested I did this so I can re-use the same drawing year after year. Hey, I'm all about recycling. My favorite ---- but too esoteric ---- entry was Joel Clark's channeling of Billy Bob Thornton: "Some people call it a sling blade, mmmmmmm." And, of course, I have to second Max Harless's entry: "Hey kid, be sure to keep that Brewster Rockit cartoon in the paper."

WINNER
"I was just getting the hang of the iPhone."
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

RUNNERS-UP
"I think somebody's diaper is full of auld lang syne."
Joel Clark, Greensboro

"Madonna and Jolie are fighting to adopt you."
Joel Clark, Greensboro

"Auld Lang Syne? I have no idea what it means."
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

"But I don't WANT to move to Florida"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

Hey, be thankful, your last name isn't Spears.
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden

"You're dressed just right for global warming."
"Frank Freeman, Greensboro

"It goes by fast and at the end you'll be back to wearing diapers."
Brent Wooten, Thomasville

THE REST
"Here we go again..."
Anna S.

"No, it hasn't been a particularly ruff year. Why do you ask?"
"Cool Blade! When do I get mine?"
"Sickle.I thought they said Cycle."
"Oh my gosh, they get younger looking every year!"
Ben Atkinson, Greensboro

"So in one year I will look just like you. No thanks."
Ben Atkinson, Greesnboro

"Wildfires, school shootings, Britney and K-Fed..yeah, I'm ready to die!"
Bob Beitzel

Come on ! your time is running out and my time is comming in..
Bobby Moore, Greensboro...

"Live it up because it's downhill after Spring."
"If I learned one thing in 2007, be careful in airport bathrooms."
"At least I won't have to endure another New Year's Rockin' Eve."
"There's nothing left for me after the Soprano's finale anyway."
"If you're lucky, you may get adopted by Angelina Jolie."
"I'll be taking Brittany Spears' respectability with me."
"I've been keeping a close eye on Larry King."
"It seems like only last year, I was your age."
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

"Tough break kid. You've got an election year."
Brent Wooten, Thomasville

"No, you can't have one. You'll put your eye out."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"I don't know either. They just said 'Here, hold this."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

1. "But I hate collard greens and black-eyed peas!"
2. "Sally forth baby year!"
3. "No birthdays? Ever?"
Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro

Got and extra diaper? I think I just wet myself.
Christine Keaton, Randleman

Dont wet yourself kid the hourglass broke.....
Christine Keaton, Randleman

Come on kid...Time wets for no one.
Tick Tock Tick Tock.
Christine Keaton, Randleman

Enjoy it kid...next year you will look like me!!
Christine Keaton, Randleman
Nice

(1) "Just wait 'til you get to be my age..."
(2) "Yes, I do have other clothes."
(3) "I hope you do better than I did!"
Carolyn Mitchell, Greensboro
Liked the simplicity of the last one

"It all went by so fast - one day Huggies & now Depends."
Pat O'Donnell, Kernersville
Good one. A contender

"If Hillary wins, you'll go greyer faster than I did"
Donna Bailey, Greensboro

"I thought for sure I'D get the Spears job this year"
Donna Bailey, Greensboro

"I wonder what Brittney's going to do while you're in charge?"
"I wonder what Michael Jackson's face will look like while you're in charge?"
"I wouldn't go to Neverland dressed like that!"
"Rickard said Eli would win while you're in charge."
Eli Oklesh, Greensboro
On the last one, I wouldn't be the slightest bit surprised.
And, while we're at it, we loved the Neverland one, but thought it might be a tad risque for the paper.

"When I was circumcised...."
Fred Romm, Greensboro

"Careful with that rusty scythe there old timer, I haven't had my tetanus shot yet."
"I can't believe Dick Clark chose Hannah Montana over us for his New Year's Rockin' Eve Show."
Gray Amick, Greensboro

"I've already been circumcised so put that thing away."
Gray Amick, Greensboro

"Good luck with the elections."
Hally Lee Rankin, Greensboro

I was put in diapers when I was born. Now I'm back in them again.
Hally Lee Rankin, Greensboro

When ya gotta go, ya gotta go!
hmneal

1) baby says: "hm. this cartoon is hard to understand. are you father time, or the grim reaper?"
2) baby says: "where's Rudolph?"
3) old man says: "my new year's resolution is to find a wrinkle cream that actually works."
4) old man says: "of course the 'choppy thingy' is intimidating!"
5) old man says: "hey kid, if i put on your silly hat, will i get a holiday too?"
6) baby says: "of course you don't have a holiday! do you expect some kid to love you because you walk around with a scythe?"
7) baby says: "hey, your new years resolution better be to take daiper canging 101, because that 'mistake with the pin' left scars."
Jamie Biagiotti, age 10, greensboro

"C'mon, I got to go to pee."
James E. Ferrell, McLeansville

1) "I think it's a bad idea to hand this thing over to an infant."
2) "No !!! They're waiting for the ball in Time Square to drop ."
3) "What this thing? I've taken a part-time position to fill in for Death."
4) "So how did you score the cool hat?"
5) "Do yourself a favor and don't start any long term projects."
Joel Clark, Greensboro

1) "Is that smell your diaper or mine?"
2) "I have just hours to live and I have to baby sit."
3) "You are a leap year so no I won't let go of your hand."
4) "My advice for next year is to keep it dumb."
5) "For some reason SOME people think more is better."
6) "It sucks, you only get one season of Carolina basketball."
7) "Some people call it a sling blade, mmmmmmm ."
8) "Yeah , I wouldn't get my hopes up about that New Years' meal."
10) "Let's wait for the DNA test to come back before we get all lovey dovey."
11) "Some people will hate you only because you are an election year."
12) "Enjoy that hair because it will be gone by June."
13) "That's my fashion advice but I'm so last year."
14) "Suckers!! I don't have to make my first payment for 18 months."
16) "No, Dick Clark is not the anti-christ."
17) "I've got 5 dollars that says Britney doesn't make it out of your year."
18) "I have no idea what auld lang syne is either."
19) "The year goes quick, but being an election year it will seem like you lasted forever."
20) "Good news, after you no more Bush, bad news, more Hillary."
21) "Don't act so superior, I'm just a year older than you."
22) "Let's see if you think I'm old this time next year."
23) "Define naughty, man that kills me."
24) "No there has never been a 'War on New Years.'"
25) "This year I resolve to make short lists."
Joel Clark, Greensboro
Nice ones as usual, Joel

"You'd better go potty now. You won't have time to change your diapers later."
KEN LAYTON, Carthage

"It's called a scythe. The gas situation ruled out a riding mower in their budget."
KEN LAYTON, CARTHAGE

"All I can tell you is that a year ago I was young and eager just like you."
KEN LAYTON, CARTHAGE

"I just told George W. the same thing: party's over."
Kim McDonald, Greensboro

Say goodnight George
Kim McDonald, Greensboro

"Considering the competition, I think we would make a pretty good Prez and Vice Prez!"
"Our campaign slogan could be Reaper and Creeper in '08!"
"With your colicky nature, I thought you'd be my perfect successor as Grim Reaper!"
"I'm grooming you as my successor. Even the Grim Reaper must retire."
Kris Voy, Trinity

"Are those pull-up's for me or for you?"
Louis Tellez, Jamestown

Hey, I'm just not ready to let GO of '07....maybe I can fix something!
Marcia James

1. The ball is falling, the ball is falling.
2. My hat is tops. 3. You forgot the hourglass!
4. Don't pull so hard I have arthritis in that thumb.
5. Do you know God? 6. I'm too old for this job.
7. Father Time, you need a vacation. 8. I'll TRY for Peace in 2008.
9. Did global warming do this to you? 8. I'm too young for this job.
9. The hat's too BIG.
10. Let go!
11. You're too slow, they are starting the party without us.
12. SMILE, maybe your wrinkles won't show.
13. Let's Go.
14. You should run for President, we need more choses.
Nancy Nelson, Greensboro

l. Any advice?
2. Old out, new in.
3. I'm not ready!
4. My diaper stinks, what do I do now?
5. What's a resolution?
6. A year, is that all I get?!!!
7. Out with the old, in with the new.
8. I'm getting nervous.
9. Why the sickle, are you the Grim Reaper.
10. What now?
11. Who's Auld Lang Syne?
12. Do I get any benefits?
13. I am not HAPPY, it's almost midnight.
14. Is this what I have to look forward to?
15. Baby, I got to go! 16. Let's Party!
17. Stop asking so many questions!
18. Lead the way.
19. It's Time!
20. Why black balloons who died?
21. Looks more like a revolution.
22. My Life stinks. 23. Don't be a Cry Baby.
Nancy Nelson, Greensboro

"Dick is still in the hospital so Ryan will fill in for your party."
“Just because you live for eternity doesn’t mean you don’t need to go to bed.”
"no I’m not Dumbledore."
"Just because I’m Father Time doesn’t mean I’m YOUR father."
"Go ask Mother Nature to change your diaper, Father Time is busy"
"What is your secret to baby soft skin at age 2,007?"
"What do you want for your birthday, other than a Wii?"
"No, that’s not your birthday piñata."
"at least dumbo can have a friend."
"lets go kill Tim for not picking our jokes!"
"You can’t always party like every year is the new millennium."
"I got Regis to host your party this year."
"I know your 2,007 years old but it would be a bad influence for a baby to have a beer on his birthday.”
Park Groves 13, Greensboro
Liked the Dumbledore reference

You'll look like this in 365 days!
Glad I didn't have election year!
Pre-election year was bad enough!
Mylinda C. Paschal, Greensboro

Actually, the phrasing is "naughty OR nice". Didn't Santa ever ask you if you had been a good boy?
Mylinda C. Paschal, Greensboro

(1) If we can fatten you up and put you in a nice Santa suit, you would be a heck of a lot better looking Santa Claus than that guy in last week's cartoon.
(2) Rickard started celebrating New Year's a little early and forgot to put dates on our sashes.
(3) Your work is not finished, Mister, we still have to see who wins the BCS national championship.
(4) I guess Rickard didn't put dates on our sashes so he could use this same drawing year after year.
(5) Your old friend Vinnie Testaverdi is waiting for you.
Dave Sheets, Greensboro
Busted

"Is that YOUR diaper or mine?"
"Have you seen my sickle?"
"I had to deal with Britney Spears and Anna Nicole Smith but you're an election year...I wish you luck."
"You have to go potty again?!?!?"
"I'll change your diaper if you can change mine..."
"Well when I was little I had to WALK to school 4 miles every day...uphill...both ways...in the SNOW!"
"Have you seen my hat??"
"Why doesn't somebody turn up the HEAT in here!"
"They cancelled BayWatch?"
"If we're not there to eat by 4:00 we'll have to pay full price!"
"WHAT?!?!?!?"
"Don't blink...you just might miss something..."
"Mashed Potatoes are my favorite TOO??"
"Trust me...naps are a GOOD thing!"
"Oye Vey...I think I need changing again..."
"Believe me...it's time for a change..."
"What's a Happy Meal?"
"PHEW! Was that YOU or me?"
"Pull my finger..."
"Rogaine, Schmogaine, it's all a bunch of hooey!!"
"What's that smell? Oh...nevermind..."
"No better feeling in the world than a clean diaper...trust me..."
"You've got your work cut out for ya kid..."
"We better hurry before the buffet closes..."
"K&W does NOT stand for Canes and Walkers!"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro
Good ones, Bob. Loved the "old man" theme.

I am now leaving you with this mess for 2008.
Sure hope Social Security is there when you retire.
Be thankful you are not old enough to vote.
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden

You wear diapers and I wear Depends!
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden

1. Seems like only yesterday I was your age.
2. Seems like just a year ago I was your age.
3. Where did the year go? (not funny but so true)
4. From diapers to this.
Rich, Pleasant Garden

"C'mon! It's time! Leave that thing back here, everyone is tired of it.
Can't we do without it for just one year?"
Stephanie Chandler, Jamestown

"This thing gets heavy. Try weights and 'roids"
"Good news! You get an extra day!"
"Turn the sash so 2008 shows"
(busted again)
"Young and naive! When can you start?"
"That's Frosty's hat!!"
"Frosty is looking for that hat!!"
"and use bleach to keep your whites white"
"Thank God you are here!! But to be PC you cannot say god."
"Take Ohio Start and the spread"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

"Grandson...,welcome to the real world!!"
Wanda J. Harkins, Greensboro

"If your year is like mine, you're going to fill a lot more diapers than just that one."
Wil Courter, Greensboro
I liked this one, but one full-diaper cartoon is enough.

1) Don't worry, little guy. I'll see you next year.
2) What took you so long to get here?
3) It's a real mess, and it's all yours now!
William Beerman

"Will I need my "Clapper" where I'm going?"
Adam Tuggle, Boone

Hey, this ain't the way to K&W.
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
hee hee

SNAIL MAIL
"I hate to do this to you kiddo."
Sandra Flood, Greensboro

"The old timer passeth away and a child shall lead us."
"Where is Mother Time?"
"What a mess! One of us is too old to handle the old year and one is too young to handle the new year."
"This scythe is so outdated; I'm requesting a power mower for you."
(cute)
"Hey, kid, be sure to keep that Brewster Rockit cartoon in the paper."
(Here, here!)
"Wars, climate change, politics, diseases, demise of bees: Happy new Year!"
Max Harless, High Point

"I got the election year blues last August!"
" ... and stay away from sub prime loans."
"Frank Freeman, Greensboro

Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com

Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.

LAST WEEK'S WINNER
So, whadda ya think of my selections? Agree? Disagree? Let me know what you think.
Leave a comment. Tell me your pick. Tell me why the ones I picked stink. Or, if you must, tell me how brilliant my choices are.

Yep, believe it or not, Joke's On You is one-year old this week. And look how much you've changed! Why it seems as though it was only yesterday you were sending me captions about a suggestion box on a deserted island. So to celebrate, this week's cartoon ALSO involves a deserted Island theme. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some candles to blow out.

And now for a couple of new, online-only awards: Best Obscure Cultural Reference and Best Inside Joke.
I hereby award the Best Obscure Cultural Reference award to:
A tie between Bob Mannary ("Yeah, yeah, Happy Birthday!!")
And Phil Valla ("It's not my birthday Frosty.")
for their "Frosty" entries:

And best Inside Joke award goes to:
Everyone (I'm afraid I'd miss someone to name you individually) who pointed out that Frosty seemed to be borrowing Baby New Year's hat from last week.
Give yourselves a hand.

WINNER
I'm not fat, it's mostly water weight...
PAULA HAIRSTON

RUNNERS-UP
"I'm a wintry mix, what's your descent?"
Gray Amick, Greensboro
The "wintery mix" tickled me, but, alas, didn't score quite as high with others around here.

"Maybe it's the moonlight. Maybe it's the wine. But to me, you look just like Burl Ives."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
This one made us laugh - but I thought it might be just a tad bit esoteric for a lot of readers.

Those 10 pounds I gained at Christmas just melted away. I think I'm going to like global warming.
Nancy Stevens, Jamestown

"I thought she'd ENJOY a romantic evening by the fire..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

"We never go anywhere !!"
Joel Clark, Greensboro

Don't tell me you're going to wear THAT again!
J. C. Winkler, Greensboro
This was one of three contenders for top spot

THE REST
Not full-scale plastic surgery -- just a little trim with a vegetable peeler.
JOAN LUX, GREENSBORO
Good one. a contender for runner-up.

"Frosty, if you can gallavant around the square with those kids, you can do some work around the igloo."
KEN LAYTON, CARTHAGE
This one barely missed making runner-up. Maybe the last one eliminated.

"Global Warming has me worried about my cousins at the Pole."
Glenda Layton, Carthage

"As Snowwomen go, I'm just 'pleasingly plump'."
Ken Layton, Carthage

"I really consider Al Gore to be our generation's Stephen King..."
"Trust me...carrot size DOES matter!"
"You look like Baby New Year..."
"Does Baby New Year know you have his hat?"
"Yeah, yeah, Happy Birthday!!"
Bob wrote: (applause to those who get this one!)
Well include me and Phil Valla (see below)
"Uh...it's button you LIP...doofus!"
"They really should get Calvin some phycological help..."
"Don't look at ME all indignant...I can't help it if I got the last carrot!"
"It's not MY fault you've got a button where your carrot should be!!"
"Look at Me! Corn-Cob Pipe and a BUTTON Nose!! A BUTTON NOSE!"
"Looks like Billy thought your Corn-Cob pipe looked better a little further south..."
"What did you do to get your Corn-Cob pipe stuck THERE?"
"'With a Corn-Cob TAIL and a Button Nose'...it could work..."
"It's not really THAT yellow..."
"Do these snowflakes make my butt look big?"
"Relax...nobody will even notice. It's not THAT yellow."
"Is that a lump of coal or are you just glad to see me?"
"Uh...I think your fly's open..."
"You think YOURS are cold?"
"Don't blame me...he's not MY dog!"
"Would it have hurt them to use just a LITTLE less snow on my bottom half?"
"My New Year's resolution is to shed a few pounds by Spring..."
"I don't appreciate being given the cold shoulder all the time..."
"Christmas isn't the only thing BLUE around here!"
"After dinner we decided to get cozy by the fire so I went to get some champagne and when I got back...she was GONE!"
"It's not MY fault you only hear from me in December!!!"
"Don't get all huffy because I missed your birthday again!"
"Look...for the last time...stop staring at my WIFE!!
"You got nothin' to say huh? Oh...sorry...ran out of coal?"
"I'm just glad they put the carrot in the right spot this year..."
"Last year all they had were string beans so I'm grateful."
"The next morning, the sheets where soaked and she was gone..."
"Last year...Billy got MY nose from his mommy's nightstand so I consider this a vast improvement..."
"Would it have KILLED them to use just a little more snow...you know...down there..."
"Trust me...the pounds just melt away...it's amazing!"
"It was horrible but I finally got it to pass...it was the size of a Snow Cone!!!"
"At least YOUR'S are made out of coal..."
"At least it's not an icicle...last year I had a runny nose all winter!"
"Oooh...Mr. Big-Shot-Movie-Star is home for the holiday's huh?"
"So is it like Smokey The Bear which is actually just Smokey Bear which would make you like Frosty Snowman which just doesn't sound quite right..."
"Last year I had Oreo's for eyes...I was afraid of EVERYTHING!"
"Last year I had Moon Pie's for eyes...I was affraid of EVERYTHING!! - (Southern Version)
"Last year I had Oreo's for eyes...It was like being in a Hitchcock Movie!"
"Last year I had Moon Pie's for eyes...It was like being in a Hitchcock Movie!" - (Southern Version)
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

1) "NO CAPTION DUE TO WRITER'S STRIKE !!!"
2) "Nice , button fly."
3) "I feel like you are giving me the cold shoulder."
4) "You really earned the name, Frosty."
6) "Isn't the hat and scarf counter-productive ?"
7) "Not to be like chicken little, but a warm front is coming."
8) "Is it just me are is it cold in here ?"
9) "No I haven't given any thought to a nose job."
10) "That yellow streak down my back has nothing to do with me being a coward."
11) "Britney and Paris just snorted our baby."
12) "What's my biggest fear ? SPRING!!!!"
13) "Al Gore scares the heck out of me."
14) "What do you mean I'm never around ?"
15) "DON'T MAKE ME COME OVER THERE!!!"
16) "You kids with your low riding pants."
17) "GROSS !!! I just stepped in yellow snow."
18) "Do you smell carrots?"
19) "Give the hat back to baby new year."
20) "You know how you get brain freeze when you eat ice cream to fast? Well that's how I feel all the time."
Joel Clark, Greensboro

Our relationship has gone cold.
J. C. Winkler, Greensboro

You're not really going to wear THAT, are you?
Good, but I liked the wording of the runner-up better.
Philip Blue, Pleasant Garden

"Because of global warming, the only cold place to take a vacation now is Florida....
PAULA HAIRSTON

What are you doing back from the North Pole? Too warm?
PAULA HAIRSTON

You get the cute button nose and I become pinnochio!!
Christine Keaton, Randleman

"I'm starting to regret the nose job."
"I didn't know she was made for you."
"Do you smell carrots?"
Brent Wooten, Thomasville

Why Thank you! I lost thirty pounds by sitting in the sun.
Christine Keaton, Randleman
cute.

"Oh Frosty, have you been to the strip cube again?
Steve Gray, Greensboro

I know you have a cold, but I"m not fixing you a bowl of hot chicken soup.
Roger Stratton, Greensboro

What do you mean you are not sticking around long? What about the children?
Linda Stratton, Greensboro

Where did you put my hat and scarf? It is cold out here.
Linda Stratton, Greensboro
cute

Yeah, I put on a few holiday pounds, but I'll fit in my bikini by May.
JOAN LUX, GREENSBORO

"Honey, you make me melt, so Stop!"
"If Gore ran for president then we wouldn’t have to be puddles"
"If the same kid made us then aren’t we related? If so I want a divorcé"
"You got the cute button nose and all I got was these moldy carrot"
"Why did you steal the last cartoon’s hat?"
"Why did you get me these cheap charcoals and try and pass them as genuine Kingsfords?"
"O' my gosh, You went Kingsfords."
"I wish Jake would make me a little more curvy"
"A night by the fire isn’t what I would call romantic"
"Global-Warming is making us extinct and you just sit around throw snowballsat cars!"
Park Groves, Greensboro

" I never have anything to wear!"
Pauline Cobrda, Greensboro

"Brrrrrrr, I'm freezing my snowballs off!"
Jonathan Cobrda, Greensboro (age 17)

"Don't give me that snow job, Frosty!"
Bob Jenkins, Asheboro

"Why are you giving me the cold shoulder?"
Jack Alford

l. I'm melting, melting, oh what a world, what a world.
2. You know when the sun shines we are out of here.
3. Kiss me quick, I'm melting already.
4. But, I don't want to move to Florida, lets go to Alaska.(sound familiar)
5. Is that Baby New Years hat?
6. I don't have anything to wear.
7. What are you staring at?
8. Naked is Good.
9. Frosty, you're looking HOT.
10. You melt my heart.
11. If I can't have something new to wear, I just won't go.
12. Those kids need an anatomy lesson.
13. I didn't get a belly button.
14. You didn't get a mouth.
15. Why are you giving me the silent treatment?
15. I need a nose job.
16. You're all dressed up, are you going somewhere?
17. I only need two buttons on my chest.
18. Silence is golden.
19. The hat's too small and stripes are out this year.
20. Are you running for President?
21. I'm having hot flashes, it must be global warming. ( You know it causes all our woes)
22. Why are your hands on you hips like that?
23. Well at least we aren't as fat as Santa.
24. Frosty, I'm running for President you can be my Bill?(couldn't resist)
25. We don't need diet resolutions our extra pounds will just melt away.
26. Let is snow, let it snow, let it snow. 27. The colder the better, don't you agree?
27. Well nobody lives forever.
28. I wish I could go in for a cup of cocoa.
29. Tell me the truth do I look fat.
30. How can we run and play, we don't have feet?
31. Why do they use coal for buttons don't they know there is an oil shortage?!
32. Stop giving me the cold shoulder.
33. When are we going to have a baby?
34. Don't just stand there do something!
35. Think about the puddles we'll make some day soon.
Nancy Nelson Greensboro

No. not the North Pole this year. We want to try summering in Antartica.
Andy Ralston-Asumendi, Greensboro

"I told you not to vote for Hilary!"
Susan Thompson, Reidsville

"You know, I think it does make you look thinner."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

1. What global warming??
2. Does this snow make me look fat?
3. Yes I did see all the accidents this morning!
No name given

"Forget it-no one is making snow cream out of me"
"I'd stop the world and melt with you."
"What? You're leaving me for a snow cone?"
Sandy Southard, Greensboro

"Don't get cranky with me. You're the one who decided to quit smoking cold turkey."
"Don't get cranky with me. You're the one who decided to quit cold turkey."
Marsha Elam, Greensboro

Honey, I said we are not going, I have nothing to wear!
Randy Payne, Greensboro

"No, I'm not cold, I'm FREEZING!"
"Global warming my behind!"
"Tell Al Gore I got his global warming right here!"
"I traded my hat and scarf for this carrot. I think I got gypped?"
"When are they gonna make some snowWOMEN!?"
"Well La De Da! Aren't you snug in your little hat and scarf?"
"Well La De Da, Frosty's got himself a new hat and scarf!"
"Well La De freakin' Da, you've got yourself a hat and a scarf!" [In my best Chris Farley voice.]
"A top hat...really!?"
"Where are you going dressed like Mr. Monopoly?"
"The top hat is a tad pretentious, don'tcha think?"
"Don't you know it's better to look good than feel good."
"Yeah, well I'd rather freeze than wear that silly hat!"
"You better not ask if it's cold enough for me!"
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

"Must be tough being the best dressed one in the Trailer Park huh?"
"Why do you ALWAYS have to dress up for even the simpliest occasions?"
"You're just trying to make me look bad..."
"I see SOMEBODY went shopping..."
"Ooo-Oooh...matching hat and scarf...aren't WE all fancy-schmancy..."
"The invitation said that it was casual attire..."
"The arms they found for you this year make you look all bossy and cranky..."
"The sign said 'Shirt and Shoes Required', now what?"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

Of course I am Frosty....I am naked!!
Christine Keaton, Randleman

I have a yellow spot?? Oh my goodness!! Where?! Where??!!
Bill how can you say Monica was warmer than me?
What do you think of having frozen dinners tonight?
Yes, I am your date...and yes, I am known as the Ice Queen!
Do you want to make snow angels?
Sure you get a cute button nose and I get a bird perch.
Christine Keaton, Randleman

"For Pete's sake Carl, they all know you have a dandruff problem."
"And it really brings out those yellow, sulfur flecks in your coal eyes."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

See, I told you mom always liked you best!
Randy Payne, Greensboro
Something about this one appealed to me.

"Show me the magic!!"
"Frosty, nice hat but where is the broomstick!"
"We have been placed on the endangered species list!"
"Don't eat the yellow snow!"
"It's hopeless, my folks won't let me marry a button-nose snowman!"
"Is there life after melltaway?"
"Hot date at the sauna. No way!!"
"I have this nightmare that I was turned into grape snowcones!"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

Is that hat magic?
Christine Keaton, Randleman

Global warming can't be all bad. I lost 10 pounds this month and never even felt hungry.
Nancy Stevens, Jamestown

But I don't want to move to Florida
Don Rankin Greensboro
Don adds: "I borrowed this from Bob Mannary, last weeks cartoon"
Hee hee. I think it works here, too.

"Yeah, so I got my button raised. Next week, I'm getting the nose fixed."
Eric Thies, Harrisonburg, Va.
Eric says: "Now, I don't live in greensboro any more, haven't since about 1991, but I did live there for about 20 years, and my parents and sisters still live there! Keep up the great work with this blog!
Thanks, Eric. I certainly will try, but it's entries like yours that make it worth reading.

How can you stand that hat and scraf? I'm about to melt.
Louise Hudson, Randleman

1) "Remember your vow , Till spring does us part."
2) "So what do you plan to do this summer?"
3) "And I thought Hillary was cold."
4) "You don't have to tell anybody that you're part sleet."
5) "Like it matters, we are all going to be just a puddle one day anyhow."
6) "Governer Easley just asked everyone to cut back to 2 layer snowmen."
7) "So where do you go during the summer, Frosty?"
8) "Someone just confused me for Hillary."
9) "How come we can't remember anything before the last snowfall?"
10) "Does this outfit make me look fat?"
Joel Clark, Greensboro

1: I told you to stop picking your nose.
2: What the matter? You been poking around those bunnies again?
Malcolm Macphee, Greensboro

You need to loose weight, your belly button is nearly on the ground.
Heck of a nose job ya got there, Roy
You definitely need to get contact lenses cause with that nose, there ain't no way you can wear glasses.
Frank Beamon, Greensboro

"My fly's unbuttoned? Thanks!"
"I miss North Carolina!"
"Isn't that scarf a little... suicidal?"
"Life IS worth living! Take off the scarf and let's talk about this!"
"Man, I'm glad we weren't made yellow again this year."
"I'm going to work out this year and be an abdominal snowman."
"My wife is giving me the warm shoulder again."
Eli Oklesh, Greensboro
I liked the last one - a runner-up finalist

"I was just born and already I'm fat and look like I'm 43."
"Can you keep Fido away from me"
"Do I have yellow snow on my back?"
"Do these coals make me look fat?"
"My arms are like twigs"
"Frosty, you would melt in Hollywood"
Park Groves Greensboro

Here's my entry for this week's cartoon:
"I got fired from my last snow job."
(OK, I know you can't print this one, but...)
"They said I did a sloppy snow job..."
"My wife left me for Frosty. She said he had a better snow job."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"When my wife said she wanted two carrots for Christmas, how was I supposed to know she meant a ring??"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro
A runner-up contender

"Snappy dresser."
"You didn't tell me this was Formal!!"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro
Liked the "formal" one

"My wife keeps stealing all my carrots!"
"The nerve! This guy asked if he could shovel my driveway!"
"I'm getting goosebumps!!"
"My wife says I don't give her goosebumps any more."
"My wife says that I'm cold natured."
Ken Cockerham, Greensboro

"I think my wife is frigid."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"Are you the new branch manager?
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"I hear that Global Warming might cost me an arm and a leg."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"Just what IS a snow balls chance in Heck?"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"Have you heard about the Global Warming Diet?? They say the pounds just melt away!!"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"Frankly, a cold day in Heck sounds good to me!!"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"You gave up smoking??"
(ya know.....no corn cob pipe...) (follow with "pah dump ching!" if you like)
CC Cockerham, Greensboro
CC awarded herself the "OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE AWARD" and rightly so, as she included the lyrics to "Frosty the Snowman" to back up one of her captions.
And not just once. Not even twice - but THREE copies total of the Frosty lyrics.
Sheesh! You sure you're not my wife writing under a pseudonym?

"Gosh, I hope Al Gore's not right."
Ken Cockerham, Greensboro

"I think my wife is frigid."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"I'm a vegetarian."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

1. You have a hat and scarf and I am freezing.
2. Every winter you wear a top hat but I never get to wear my Easter bonnet.
3. For the last time, moving to Arizona would not be better for our health.
4. What did the little girl's Mom mean, "Don't eat the yellow snow?"
5. What's a sno cone?
6. Have you been injecting yourself with steroids?
7. You better lay off the sno cones.
8. Your fly is unbuttoned.
9. Let's name our first born "Frosty."
10 The tests are back, I'm expecting a snowball.
11. I lost my hat, gloves, and scarf playing poker.
12. You have a nice nose and I look like Pinocchio.
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden

"It's not my birthday Frosty."
Phil Valla, Greensboro
Paging Bob Mannary ...

1 "The airline sent them to Miami."
2 "My cat unraveled them!"
3 "That's the last time I'll use that dry cleaner."
Catherine Moore, Thomasville

"I'll stop the world and melt with you."
"I'm weary of the Rock Salt Diet side effects."
Gray Amick, Greensboro

"I didn't say frigid. I said I valued our friendship."
"Yes, I know you're not fake. I just thought maybe the artificial snow
machine came around."
"No, that scarf does not make you look fat!"
"I said you looked fluffy, not fat!"
"Your belly already has a button, so a piercing would be overkill."
"I did say you put on a little weight, but hey, it snowed last night!"
"Well, snowfalls do go straight to your hips!"
Kris Voy, Trinity
Like the last two -good theme -

SNAIL MAIL
"They say no two of our body cells are alike."
(Max explains that snowflakes would be a snowmans "cells"
"I wanted a new friend but he gave me the cold shoulder."
"With you wearing that hat and scarf, I feel naked."
"Thanks! That's mighty white of you."
"Global warming might make our species extinct!"
Max Harless, High Point

"The first one stole my hat, then my scarf went. I was so scared I froze."
Linda S. Freeman, Greensboro

"I want to talk to you about the electric blanket you got me for Christmas."
"I'm going to the sauna and try to lose a few pounds."
"Frank Freeman, Greensboro

Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com

Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.

LAST WEEK'S WINNER
So, whadda ya think of my selections? Agree? Disagree? Let me know what you think.
Leave a comment. Tell me your pick. Tell me why the ones I picked stink. Or, if you must, tell me how brilliant my choices are.

So many contenders, so few spots. Because so many good entries had to be left out, (some captions that made me laugh didn't even make the runners-up) maybe now is a good time to update my list of what makes an entry stand out.
ONE: Funny. always helps.
TWO: Clever. Clever is not always funny, funny is not always clever. Get both, and you've got something.
THREE: Simple. The minimal amount of words necessary.
FOUR: How well does it fit the drawing. Here is where a lot of funny entries got axed because they didn't quite match the situation, or expression of the person talkng
FIVE: Originality. You can have the funniest joke, but if I've seen a dozen variations, it weakens it.
SIX: Wording. Sometimes the simplest change of words can make the biggest difference. usually the tie-breaker in similar entries.
SEVEN: Lay-off the puns and don't try to force topical references.
EIGHT: Don't get too esoteric. Although I love these kinds of jokes, I have to assume most people won't get them.
There you have it. Eight steps to winning the coveted "Jokes On You" certificate.

The top obscure cultural reference of the week: Bob Mannary with this esoteric gem from the Bugs Bunny cartoon "Rabitson Carusoe": "I'll start with the Tossed Coconut Salad...some Fresh Coconut Milk, and then we'll go with the New England Boiled Coconut"
reading Bob's entries, I think I may have found the only person to have watched even more "Gilligan's Island" reruns and Bugs Bunny cartoons than me. "Gladys the gorilla?" "Dopey Dick?" Get help.
Joel Clark, Brandon Breeze and Bob Mannary get a nod for referencing "Wilson" from "Castaway."
Top inside joke: A lot of competition here, but my favorite was THE Park Groves caption: "I knew we shouldn't of sent 3 guys and a cow" referencing an earlier JOY cartoon involving three men and a cow on a liferaft.

Now, as promised, is Bob Mannary's take on the theme from "Gilligan's Island." It's a hoot.
(Sung to The Tune Of Gilligan's Island...I know you know it...)

(And now you can enjoy having the Gilligan's Island song stuck in your head all day!)
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

WINNER
"It says here you are willing to relocate"
Jason Duff, Greensboro

RUNNERS-UP
"I'm sorry, you're just not what we're looking for."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

"Are you available weekends?"
Bill Briggs, Greensboro

"Why did you leave your previous position?"
Brent Wooten, Thomasville

"I'm going to have the cannibal special, I guess you won't need to see the menu."
Phil Valla , Greensboro

"I want to know who started this rumor?"
Joel Clark, Greensboro

"Uh...this side shows you how to make a raft instead of a table..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

"Is it just me, or are the amenities getting worse at these company retreats?"
Kris Voy, Trinity

THE REST
A lot of good entries here. Worth reading
"I'll have the fettucine al Fido"
"I concur."
Doug Cox, Albemarle

Good News! Mr.Jones you saved over a $1000. on your income tax this year.
Jimmy Spurgeon, High Point

"Did I mention my company is quite small?"
Bill Briggs, Greensboro

Reading last month's minutes.you suggested we move to "casual Fridays."
And to my son, I leave my tropical vacation home.
Perhaps if we'd read these directions in the first place.
It's from the Guilford County tax department. Apparently we forgot to list the table and two chairs.
Don Byers, Greensboro
Some good ones here

"Are you willing to travel?"
Bill Briggs
Nice

"But, you have to get to New York by 2:00 P.M. today to collect the $46 million your uncle left you."
Ken Layton, Carthage

"If you're convicted of these charges, you could be banished to a deserted island for life."
Ken Layton, Carthage

1) Same special again! It always coconut and saltwater!
2) Sorry sir, no shoes no service
3) You would have had a return, but that last coconut has put you in a higher tax bracket.
Matt Sides, High Point
My favorite of these was the tax bracket one. Made the short list.

O.K., which do you want first, the good news or the bad news?
Darrell Kidd, Randleman

The bad news is you're being audited. The good news is we're on a deserted island. Well, I guess it's really not that good.
Darrell Kidd, Randleman

It says, "Congratulations. You may be the next winner of the Publishers House Sweepstakes."
J. Darrell Kidd

It says, "Congratulations! You've just won the Publishers House sweepstakes."
Darrell Kidd, Randleman

"I'm in the doghouse till I finish this honey-do list. Why are you here?"
"If we lose Apprentice Bora Bora, the prize is Omarosa!"
"I guess we failed that Dale Carnegie course."
"Just checking to see if Ginger and Mary Ann are on the map key."
Kris Voy, Trinity

1) "Tell me why I should hire you over the rest of the field?"
2) "I find it hard to believe you made no money last year."
3) "No, you can't claim a volleyball as a dependant!"
4) "For the last time, no casual Fridays!!!"
5) "So where do you see yourself in five years."
6) "You could have had your own shadetree but you had to have the furniture."
7) "They say this is the island where Hagar the Horrible is always trapped on."
8) "So what's your plans for the weekend?"
9) "Do you know how to make a radio out of coconuts?"
10) "What do you mean I look like a hot dog?"

Nice ones. I really liked # 5, but Brent Wooten had the exact same caption so you two cancelled each other out.
Joel Clark, Greensboro

happy birthday to the funny people @ the joke is on you
Thanks, Park
"I knew we shouldn't of sent 3 guys and a cow" ----old cartoon
"We should go with Buried Treasure Here instead of Help"
"Brittney wants to buy this island for a hide-away"
"how did we get these BAMBOO chairs?"
"Finally,... He picked our joke"
"finally he put our picture in the paper, maybe the winners joke will be on how we were rescued"
"Your rescue performance is on the decline"
"I don't get this survivor challenge"
"Tim is misleading in our picture, the yacht is over there"
"I would like to buy your half of the island"
"Congrats you've been to promoted to Vice President "
THE Park Groves 13 Greensboro

I am with the IRS Sir...we can find you anywhere!
Christine Keaton, Randleman
Good one. And too true.

1. You don't have a leg up on me anymore.
2. Don't be so bossy!
2. If I die first, it's all yours.
3. You are not the boss any more.
4. Our stock has plummeted.
5. We are corporate survivors.
6. What do you think our land is worth?
7. What I would give for an Iphone now. (Tim, I think it's funny here.)
Nancy and I were discussing the week-before-last's winner. Touche!)
8. It's a corporate take over.
9. What rules?!
9. We need our laptop so we can e-mail for help.
10. Do you have a bottle?
11. Here's our survival plan.
12. I told him not to fly over the Bermuda Triangle.
13. At least the palm tree should keep global warming at bay.
14. Did you find a blue lagoon?
15. Where is Robinson Crusoe when you need him?
16. At least the sharks had a good meal.
17. Who's idea was it take that swim anyway?
19. I hate coconuts!
20. Should have had GPS!!
20. That cruise ship wasn't the Titanic was it??
21. Why do you always get to sit in the palm trees' shade ?
22. This is what I want you to do.
23. Stop bossing me around?
24. I should have taken out more insurance before I left?
25. Small cozy island for sale, needs some work!
26. Hope they don't sell the New's and Record while we are gone.
27. I guess we should not have put a bid in to buy that Greensboro News and Record.
28. I guess they didn't like my campaign speech.
29. I've heard of fasting but this is crazy.
30. Getting throw overboard won't help our corporate image.
31. We shouldn't have told them we were lawyers.
32. Drat, I only had two more years before I could retire.
33. Have you seem Brooke Shields?
34. This is definitely not my kind of island vacation.
35. You are definitely out of my will.
36. This map shows that Blackbeard buried the treasure under the tree.
37. This diet plan is definitely working.
38. Jennie Craig eat your heart out.
39. I should have told her I loved her, now it may be too late.
40. Who died and made you Boss?
41. Any last words?
42. Sign this, I'm not taking the blame.
43. I have heard that coconuts will float, so we had better start eating them.
Nancy Nelson

"What brings you the North Pole? Global warming?"
George A. Boschini, Greensboro

"Where do you see yourself in five years?"
Brent Wooten, Thomasville
Brent, see my note above under Joel Clark's captions.

"The good news is that your ex-wife will allow you to keep the island, the bad news is that she wants the tree."
Don Archibald, Jamestown
There were a lot of divorce captions this week. I'm not sure what that means...

1. This contract is just toilet paper now.
2. I'm filing this lawsuit just as soon as we get back home.
3. Thanks for listening to me practice my acceptance speech.
4. I confess, I did it. 5. I'm firing my speech writers, this is boring stuff.
5. My love letter just isn't romantic, will you help me punch it up.
6. I just finished my will would you sign as my witness.
7. Drat my divorce isn't finally so that means the she devil gets everything.
Nancy Nelson

"Bad news from home, the IRS is suing you for the clothes on your back"
The bad news is, you've been declared legally dead, the good news is you still have flood insurance.
In my will I left you the clothes on my back, this chair, and my half of the island, do what you want with the palm tree...
Survivor wants to know if we would be interested in doing a reality show...
Because of the writers strike we won't know who survives on the island me or you...

No this is not Gilligan's Island
Randy Payne, Greensboro

You have a letter from Mr. Trump. It says you're FIRED!!!!
Randy Payne, Greensboro

"According to this you also own some swamp land in Florida."
"Did you really think the I.R.S. wouldn't find you?"
"Can you explain why you haven't paid on your sail boat?"
"Sir, you can't claim a star fish as a dependent."
"Sir, you can't claim a volley ball as a dependent."
"Who is this Wilson that you claimed on your taxes?"
"Due to outsourcing, I'll be handling your bank account now."
"I'm here for the rest of what your ex-wife won in the divorce."
"There's still some information I need before you get your FEMA check."
"You should get your FEMA check in another few months."
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

Yes, Albert if something happens to me you become the next CEO.
Don Rankin, Greensboro

"The most important thing about owning a business is location, location, location"
"At least it's not hurricane season"
"We have ten years from uh.. 1-15-99 to get of and then global warming floods the island"
"It says here that you're a survival expert, why are we still stuck?"
"Move over SURVIVOR MAN I was here first"
"no way SURVIVOR MAN, Bear Grylls gets this place next!"
THE Park Groves Greensboro

"And now Johnson, about these extra long coffee breaks at Starbucks".
Roy Lawrence, High Point

"And now Mr. Johnson, about these items your claiming on your expense account".
Roy Lawrence, High Point

"Rats, the market is down atgain".
Donna Lawrence High Point

"Well Bob, I'm not sure your Qualifications are what we're looking for.
Donna Lawrence, High Point
Sooooo close, Donna. Sorry, but I decided the shorter version of this caption (runners-up) worked better.
But very good, though.

I think it's time we updated your will, Mr. Howell.
J. C. Winkler, Greensboro

"Interesting, A Code of Cannibalism, Article 1 - Who eats who...."
"You want me to fold this into a plane, and then fly us out??!1
"Nice menu but I see a problem with my leg on it!!"
"This government order says we need to integrate this island!"
"It is just a credit card application from Capital One"
"You want to form a union??"
"Nielsen wants us to participate in their TV survey"
"We have been fired!!"
"You are resigning? From what!!??"
"It is a note from your mother explaining why your are stupid"
"This must be old news. It says OJ has been indicted"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

"Maybe we should revisit this Global Warming Act, Senator."
"Since the tsunami wiped out the rest of Congress, wanna debate the Global Warming Act, Senator?"
"If our waiter Bob ever resurfaces, I'll order the she-crab bisque."
"Boss calls it an indefinite layoff."
"Why, this is in a foreign language. It says 'Directions' on top."
"For the one thousandth time, Joe, I do not want to play the shell game!"
Kris Voy, Trinity
Liked the waiter re-surfacing one, but not sure what "she-crab" is.

"No, Edwards, this does not count as paid vacation."
Reta Beck

"Paragraph 9 Section 17: The use of sporting equipment as a friend or companion during our stay on the island is strictly prohibited."
"Huh...Looks like 'The Jokes On You!' is a year old this week!"
"You think Rickard would throw us a bone given our situation..."
"Looks like your Ex wants the island home in the Pacific too..."
"It's from your Ex-Wife...she apparently needs a cost-of-living increase..."
"The ironic part is that it's written on Enron stationary!"
"I'll start with the Tossed Coconut Salad...some Fresh Coconut Milk, and then we'll go with the New England Boiled Coconut"
"It's from Dopey Dick...he says we'd be safer on the ship..."
"It says, 'Help! I'm stranded on a deserted island with a computer geek in a purple suit!'"
"It says, 'Help! I'm stranded on a deserted island with a crazy staff artist in a purple suit!'"
"It says...Iceburg Ahead! Iceburg Ahead!"
"Apparently the Home-Owners Association has a problem with us having our table and chairs out front all the time..."
"It looks like you've been rejected by eHarmony again..."
"If my calculations are correct...your last yacht payment has just been debited from your account!"
"Wow...The News & Record will do ANYTHING to keep a home delivery customer!"
"OK...this time I'll be Yosemite Sam and YOU can be Bugs Bunny!"
"It's last years News & Record...something about a deserted island and a suggestion box...I don't get it!?!?"
"Looks Ford is rolling out the Model T..."
"Looks like you may have already won 10 million dollars!"
"All we have to do is wire $5000 to this Nigerian bank account and we'll receive millions in return for our help!"
"It's an advertisement for Viagra..."
"It's from the network...they liked the idea of bringing back Fantasy Island!"
"OK...when the plane arrives and you climb down from the tree and yell, 'Da Plane! DaPlane!'"
"This time I'll be Mr. Rourke and YOU can be Tatoo!"
"...we are left with no other alternative but to cancel your subscription to The News & Record at this time."
"Uh...this side shows you how to make a raft instead of a table..."
"How much longer to you think it would've taken to make a raft instead of a table and chairs...I mean REALLY..."
"It looks like we should've turned left at Albuquerque..."
"30 minutes or less...it says so right here!"
"It's from the Coast Guard...they've ticketed us for littering..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro
The sad thing is I get all these references. I need help.

OK, Mr Hanks I have read every inch of this contract. This time you are left here for ever, but you make 50 million dollars.
Randy Payne, Greensboro

"...And to my Dear Henry who always was the explorer of the family, I leave my mansion in Beverly Hills for when he finally decides to settle down."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"...Well, you won't have quite as much to deduct this year as last year, but I think we can still come up with a few things."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro
Nice

"I guess you're wondering why I called you all together."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro
Good one. A runner-up contender.

"Dear John....."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"Mr. Roberts, we see that you still owe $413.87 on your student loan."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"OK, let's take it from the top, but this time, You be Romeo..."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"I KNOW it's silly, but I Still get nervous with public speaking!!!"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"Oh No!! You're not gonna believe this....but the last page is missing!!!"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"Is it just me, or is the service around here terribly slow??"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro
Good one (see Robert's entry down a few lines)

"HEY! Here's another one of those Personal's Ads like you answered that said 'Wanna Get Away??' !!"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

If that waiter doesent return soon I am leaving!
Robert Atwood , Greensboro
Good one (see CC's a couple entries up)

"Let's see what's on the menu, ahh big surprise coconuts, again.
"Can I read that again for the millionth time when your done with it."
"Resume needs work, but I think you'll make a fine Vice President of the island."
scott smith, mcleansville
I really liked #1. Really.

"Well isn't this ironic...it's the receipt for your boat..."
"Can I be X's this time?"
"According to the warranty information, you must report hull damage or defects within 24 hours of purchase..."
"According to your owners manual it looks like that galley window WASN'T supposed to open after all..."
"Huh...it's the instruction manual...guess there's really no point in reading it NOW is there?"
"2...14...21...23...36...and the Powerball is 19...We Won! WE WON!"
"Do you think Jeff Probst will be here soon?"
"I'm starting to think that 'Survivor-You're Screwed' isn't really the next season for the show..."
"I'm starting to think that 'Survivor-Geek Island' isn't really a show..."
"What Would Gilligan Do?"
"Ok..OK...Ginger or MaryAnn?"
"Ok...OK...Mrs. Howell...or Gladys the Gorilla from Episide 38?"
"He can make a radio out of 6 coconuts, a palm leaf, and a jungle vine then why couldn't he just fix the boat!"
"It says so right here, "You'll enjoy a beautiful 3 hour tour of the tropics aboard the lovely S.S. Minnow...""
"We just have to wait for Tarzan, George Barkley, or some Russian Cosmonauts, to show up and we're as good as rescued..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro
... Russian Cosomonauts ...
You forgot the Japanese soldier, The surfer dude, the mad scientist, the bananna-republic dictator, The Beatles-like music group ... etc., etc.

I am not nuts. So shall we make a grocery list??
Estimated costs for and Island Vacation??? You have gone mad!
Christine Keaton, Randleman

"Why no Bob, there's nothing the matter atoll."? (Sorry)
You should be.
"Now is that your home number or your cell?"
"And after three years you get two weeks vacation."
"Jenkins, I was just looking over your latest survey."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

I sorry you do not have flood insurance.
Patsy Comer

"And in the event of my death, I leave you my chair, my half of the table, the clothes on my back and my half of the Island."
Mitch Poole, Nashville
CC, Tell Mitch I really liked this one. Almost a runner-up (maybe shortened a bit...?)

"Hi, I'm Jeff Probst. Welcome to Survivor: Gilligan's Island."
"Hi, I'm Jeff Probst. Welcome to Survivor: Mano e mano."
(yes, I know that literally it's hand to hand and not man to man as people often think, and it's mano a mano at that, but I thought this sounds funnier...blah, blah, blah... :)
I learned something.
"Hi, I'm Jeff Probst. Since it seems like you and I were the only ones left on 'Survivor: the Tsunami', whaddya say we split that million?"
"Hi, I'm Jeff Probst. It seems we had a little mix up this year..."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

1) "Don't be mad at me, you should have brought your own paper."
3) "You're fired !! Now please leave the property."
4) "Tell the truth, did you finish my crossword puzzle?"
5) "I'm not blaming you, I'm just saying I didn't do it!!"
6) "Feel free to get a second opinion."
7) "I'm sorry. I was daydreaming that we were two snowmen."
8) "We should have listened to Al Gore, this is all that's left of Florida!!"
9) "It's a ransom note from the guy who took our shoes. "
10) "We are the last two guys on earth and I still can't win The Jokes on You."
Oh yes you can ...
Joel Clark, Greensboro

"Flood insurance can be tricky."
David Downing, Greensboro

"It says here that it will be warm and sunny for the next 2 weeks. Oh wait second, This paper is 6 years old."
Mitch Poole, Nashville

"This isn't as soft as Charmin, but it will have to do."
Mitch Poole, Nashville

"How come we don't go out anymore?"
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden
Nice one, Jean

"Maybe we should have taken the two hour tour."
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden

"It's a letter from Robinson Crusoe."
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden

"It's a letter from Gilligan."
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden

"I think I represent Paula and Randy when I say 'You're terrible. Go home.' "
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden

"I'll have the cheeseburger with fries, hold the onions."
"I'll have the cheeseburger with fries, hold the onions. You're turn."
"I'll have the cheeseburger with fries, hold the onions. I know I always say I'll order something different, but that just sounds so good!!!"
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden
I loved the plain goofiness of the last one.

"I see from your resume you've had previous experience at being marooned, Mr. Gilligan."
"Anyone can climb a tree and be a look out. How are you at sand castle building?"
"I quite agree, we shouldn't let a little thing like a plane crash stop our merger negotiations."
"And after 5 years the interest rate on your palm tree's mortgage goes up."
"So we agree, you get the shade on odd numbered days and I get it on even numbered days."
"You get the shade in the morning and I get the shade in the afternoon."
Alan Parrish, Archdale
Some good ones here

"Isn't there somewhere else you can go while I'm reading??"
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden

"You KNOW that I always like to read the paper with breakfast!!"
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden

"Hi Mr.Crusoe, I'm here about your ad for a personal attendant. I can start Friday."
"Hi Mr.Crusoe. I'm here about your ad. And I'd like to make it clear that I'm a vegetarian."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"Well Mr.Crusoe, I'm free on Friday's."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro
cute.

"Sorry I'm late but traffic was murder."
"The job sounds great but I'm reluctant to relocate to the other side of the island."
Gray Amick, Greensboro
Very nice. Close to the winner

"Do you have any references?"
"It says here you were once a ship captain. How'd that go?"
"I'm sorry, but I'm voting you off the island."
"It clearly says in our contract that I'm the Skipper and you're Gilligan."
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden
Good ones. Loved number two.

"Says here you are a real people person".
Wally Fox, Greensboro

Let's skip the entree and have 2 desserts. You only live once.
Don't argue with me. If I go first, I want you to have everything.
I found this buried in the sand. Hillary Clinton is running for senator in New York. Can you imagine that?
It's been almost 5 years. I'm sure the Iraq war is long over.
Nancy Stevens, Jamestown

1. The message in the bottle is from your wife, "Don't forget the milk."
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden
Nice.

"Believe me, out here you don't want a head hunter's assistance."
"I wouldn't recommend a head hunter in this neighborhood."
Gray Amick, Greensboro

"The contract clearly states. Ocean front property with private beach."
Charles Miller, Greensboro

"Maybe my advice about contesting your divorce was a bit short-sighted."
"Contesting your divorce may have been a bit short-sighted."
Marsha Elam, Greensboro

"I think a desalinization plant may be over-reaching."
"Where's the beef?"
"I can't believe you told your wife 'Over my dead body!'"
".and the party of the first part will utilize the shade on odd-numbered days.."
Marsha Elam, Greensboro

SNAIL MAIL
"Why are we here? You got us here so we are going to do land work to see who gets the most land."
Stefan Greeson (9), Burlington

"I told you they over-charged us for the baked salmon."
Georgie June H. Pettiford (?) Greensboro

"This lot you bought for your house is smaller due to global warming. The good news is --- you won't have to have a garage."
Ruth P. Davis, Eden

"Headline: Warming To Raise Ocean 10 Feet Tomorrow!"
"According to this, we are trespassing!"
Frank M. Freeman, Greensboro

"I wonder if the election's over. I really wanted to vote."
Margaret Robertson, Eden

"According to this chart we are at low tide."
"You didn't list this property for taxes."
"If we had a pencil we could put a letter in a bottle if we had a bottle."
Max Harless, High Point

Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com

Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.

LAST WEEK'S WINNER
So, whadda ya think of my selections? Agree? Disagree? Let me know what you think.
Leave a comment. Tell me your pick. Tell me why the ones I picked stink. Or, if you must, tell me how brilliant my choices are.

Almost all of you threw in the towel. A "heavy towel" reference, that is. I picked the winner because it was the first of only a few that did the best job of naively "blaming" the towel for the weight gain.
And for this week's cartoon, well, I was a little inspired by the "Cloverfield" movie. Have a monstrously good time with it.

The winner of the Best Inside Joke was Nancy Nelson with "I think the deserted island diet could work."
Second place was the various "water-weight" references.
And special Judge's award to CC Cockerham for her plug of the R.U. Sirius.
Bob Mannary, once again gets Best Obscure Cultural Reference with his mention of the Flinstone shaver. Bob Beitzel Gets an honorable mention for his very dark reference to Karen Carpenter.

WINNER
My God, this towel has gained weight.
Susan Dalton, Reidsville

RUNNERS-UP
“I liked myself better before laser eye surgery.”
Tom Norman Greensboro
The only gag that made me stop and think for a second. Very good.

I gotta buy some lighter towels.
Eric Thies, Harrisonburg Va.
Just liked the wording of this one.

"Liar!"
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden
Bob, if the woman's expression better matched this short, pithy caption, you may have had a winner on your hands.

"I'd like a recount."
Brent Wooten, Thomasville

"Did you just moan??"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

#&$!%ing Holidays!
Quentin Genke, Greensboro

"To be continued?"
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

"I've never seen this part of the scale!"
The Groves Family Snowville aka Greensboro

THE REST
"It went down!"
"I'm gonna kill my husband"
"The real horror is those pink tiles"
"This towel weighs like what. 5 pounds?"
"Every time I step on this scale I feel a blast of wind"
"Is that including the weight of the scale?"
"85.. still not what the models weigh"
"KEEP KNIVES AWAY FROM ME!"
"Lose 30 pounds in 30 days my blubber"
"This has to be a defect"
"With Weight Watchers I'm watching my weight GROW!"
"They said it would melt right off and instead its welded on to me"
Park Groves Greensboro

"Arrgghh. I just don't understand. I ran 16 miles yesterday. Could it possibly be the pizza and ice cream"?
"A scale is just like a man. Completely unpredictable".
"I am needing some divine intervention about now".
"Oh, Lord....I have sinned"!
Cindy Barbour

"One more pound and the towel goes!"
Manley Dodson, Jamestown

"These scales never tell the truth"
Manley Dodson, Jamestown

I should have listened to the leader,"A moment on the lips,forever on the hips"
Shirley Dixon, Whitsett

"Maybe I should lose the towel..."
Jennifer Robson, Greensboro

YIPES, this is one heavy towel.
shirley stultz, climax

Last time I'll buy thick towels.
Power of positive thinking -- "zaftig" and "Rubenesque" are lovely words.
Towel is sopping wet, I swallowed toothpaste, my lungs are full of air -- so I haven't gained any!
It's broken, it's BROKEN, the dial spun around twice!
No more thick towels for this household.
I KNOW this scale is off.
If I could just learn to embrace the adjectives "zaftig" and "Rubenesque."
"Zaftig" and "rubenesque" aren't such bad adjectives.
JOAN LUX, GREENSBORO

Never weigh in the nude -- it leaves no wiggle room for "interpretation."
(GULP) I don't even have on my heavy winter boots.
I thought those potato chips were too salty last night!
JOAN LUX, GREENSBORO

"This towel sure weighs a lot!"
Brad Howes, Greensboro

"Press F1 to continue????"
"Did I buy a scale or a slot machine?"
"What do you mean Mmmph???"
"What do you mean by Woah??"
"Magic Scale Down On The Floor...Don't Make Me Hate You Any-more..."
"Hmmm...just like he said...95 pounds soaking wet..."
"Looks like Barney left his electric razor on the floor again..."
(Please tell me you're a Flinstone's fan! Bees in a clamshell...)
Bob. Me? A Flintstones fan? What do YOU think?
"Oooh....Creme Filled Powdered Donut!"
"Are you REALLY a magic clam?"
"I don't know who I think I'm fooling by using a Krispy Kreme Box as a bathroom scale..."
"Glad I didn't drop both of them..."
"Please upgrade your software to the XL edition at your earliest convenience..."
"Expired?"
"I guess Diet Pepsi and a bag of Oreo's DON'T cancel each other out..."
"I wonder if this thing is stuck?"
"Press any key to continue..."
"Numbers in this window are generally larger than they appear..."
"I guess I should have expected the needle to stop at 60 when I saw Mary Kate & Ashley's picture on the box..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

Bright side -- water retention is a plus in a drought.
I should share my water retention secrets with the reservoirs in G'boro.
JOAN LUX, GREENSBORO

Liar, liar, scale's on fire
Joan Hunt, Greensboro

This scale is "Weigh" off.
ken hunt, greensboro

"OH NO I,VE LOST TOO MUCH!!
Georgia Courts, Greensboro

Oh my, I can't believe this towel weighs so much!
No name given

I didn't eat that much this week; this towel must weigh a lot!
No name given

"Help! Something's standing on me and I can't get up!"
Margaret Hunter, Greensboro

"Wow, I lost 40 pounds in one week! I guess there are some positive things about crystal meth after all."
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

"I will not drop the towel!"
Barbara Collins Golding, Reidsville

"This towel must be retaining water."
"My towel has gained two pounds."
"Ask again later???"
"I prefer this metric scale."
Brent Wooten, Thomasville

I thought we had an understanding!
Mary Fehl, Burlington
Not sure why, but this one appealed to me.

Oh dear! My toes are disappearing....
This thing must be broke......
Ten pounds heavier?...this towel must really be wet...
It can't be.....I need to see the eye doctor.....
Sara Lee really does do it good....
and they say cops hit the donut shop once to often!
its that time of the month ... has to be water ... doesn't it?
Christine Keaton, Randleman

I guess Jenny Craig meant one treat at a time
Christine Keaton, Randleman

"Tomorrow is another day..."
Gary Springs, Greensboro

"Darn writer's strike!! It's Blank!!"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro
Liked this one. It was a runner-up contender.

"It says 'OUCH!'"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro
Liked this one, but it seems familiar to me.

"...It reads 'Sorry. You didn't win. Try again!' "
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"so just how much does this darn towel weigh"
Gary A. Badgett, Kernersville

Oh my! This towel is getting heavier.
Eileen Thiery, Stokesdale
Good one. Also right along the lines of the winner, but you were beat to it.

"This is just between us, right?"
Bill Briggs, Greensboro

"One more pound and it's back to the attic with you!"
Bill Briggs, Greensboro
Not sure why, but this one appealed to me.

"I've told you a thousand times to stop exaggerating!"
Bill Briggs, Greensboro

"Wow, I really need to stop buying these heavyweight towels!"
Joni Barclay, High Point

"Henry...does this towel make my butt look big?"
Wendall Barclay, High Point

"Zero to 95 in 1.3 seconds"
Johnny Calhoun, Brown Summit

Darn this towel; it gained five pounds.
Ruthann Fox-Hines, Greensboro
Right along the lines of the winner. But it was first.

Cripes,this is one heavy towel!
Shirley Stultz, Climax

The 12 pound towel.
A. Flynn

1. If they'd have drawn me naked I'd have weighed less.
2. I don't need psychotherapy, I look good.
3. Eating disorder, no way!
4. Now, I have to gain weight or I'm out of a job.
5. What does it take for a girl to gain a few pounds?
6. But I don't want to throw up!
7. Something's wrong, I'm not anorexic!
8. This scale must be broken.
9. I hate taking laxatives.
10. Size zero, no way!
11. Well I guess I'll have to go back to the fat farm.
11. Time for a tummy tuck.
12. If I wrap the extra towel around me I'll weigh more.
13. My dance recital is only two weeks away.
14. My modeling coach is going to kill me.
15. I'm too thin, they'll ban me from the catwalk.
16. I need my colonic treatment.
17. That mirror has got to go!
18. I guess getting my stomach stapled won't be too bad.
19. I don't have time to be admitted to a clinic.
20. I want to look like Nichole Richie.
21. I'm not Twiggy. (Opps, I guess this one gives my age away)
22. My boyfriend wants me to gain some weight.
23. My boyfriend says I'm too fat.
24. It's colon irrigation time.
25. I'm never going to be as thin as Twiggy.
26. I'm too fat to parade down the catwalk.
26. I don't think acting the part of Twiggy is worth all this work.
27.I'm going to run away instead of strutting down that runway.
28. Dying from starvation is the perfect job description.
29. I'll die trying to get a position on that designers' runway.
30. My bridal gown isn't going to fit.
31. I have to exercise MORE!
32. Nobody's going to ask me to the prom.
33. I'm not going to the debutante ball looking like this.
34. Maybe the circus will hire me as a tightrope walker.
35. What would Mom do?
36. Pool party, no way!
37. I'll never get into my itsy-witsy teeny-weeny yellow poke-a-dot bikini.
38. I think the deserted island diet could work.(What do think Tim?)
39. This Special-K and milk diet really does work.
40. I need more fiber.
Nancy Nelson

"One At A Time, Please"
Dallas Decker, Reidsville
Nice, but the lady is the one talking ... and I know I've heard this one.

I'm big boned, not fat!!!
J. C. Winkler, Greensboro

1) On a scale of one to ten, you're zero!
2) Do better this time--or you're outta here!
3) If my number's up, so is yours!
Bill Beerman, Greensboro

"I'm lovin' this metric system scale"
"Its not me that's gaining weight, its my towels"
"I think I'll come back after another mile"
"The doctor is right, I am seeing things!"
"I hope these are the lottery numbers"
The Groves Family Snowville aka Greensboro

No more "See Food" diet for me!
Fast food means fast pounds!
Hush up! who asked you?
Christine Keaton, Randleman

1) Why does this scale keep showing me an explosion?
2) Oh wonderful! Now it is beeping and flashing a wide load sign!
3) You have now step into the "Twilight Zone" !
4) Wow! I didn't know this scale played music? And I think it is playing "She ain't heavy she is my mother !"
Catherine Duke, Kernersville

1.) "Quit mocking me!"
2.) "That's I what I get taking diet advice from Rosie O'Donnell."
3.) "Good Lord, how much does this towel weigh?"
4.) "I am a fat, worthless, no good..hey is that a brownie over there?"
5.) "And people said I was crazy trying that ten laxatives a day diet!"
6.) "Okay, just keep repeating to yourself: 'binge and purge', 'binge and purge'.."
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

"Honey, where did junior put that new web cam?"
"My gosh, my calves have turned into cows."
"If I can't be thin, I'm going to cut off my circulation until I...I ..ugghh."
"Nice hotel but that manager, Mr. Bates, was a real weirdo wasn't he dear?...Honey?"
"Honey, which pink towel did you use to clean up the crazy glue?"
"Bob never snaps me with his towel anymore."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

1. "It must be my head, everything else is so small."
2. "What is this insanity?"
3. "Gulp...So much for New Year's relsoutions."
Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro
Liked number three, but Brandon Breeze, right below you, had the same idea.
And, it would work better without the unnecessary "gulp"
And please, call me tim.

"What are the chances this towel weighs 20 lbs?"
"Even my scale has turned against me."
"So much for my New Years Resolution."
"So much for my resolution. There's always 2009."
"Oh well...I wonder if there's any cake left."
"Huh, one at a time?"
"You don't want to know."
"170 and no, it's not water weight."
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro
I also really liked the "cake" one, implying she's just giving up. Funny.

"Maybe going back for fifths was a bad idea."
"Get a StairMaster."
"Go jog."
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

1. "Go ahead, make my day!"
2. "Scale, scale on the floor, whose the lightest of them all?"
Wally Fox, Greensboro

"I will lose more weight even if it kills me, or my name's not Karen Carpenter!"
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden
oooooo....

1. Susan steps into the Twilight Zone: Her Christmas wish was for something that would do zero to 120 in five seconds. This one did 165!
2. Mary discovers that modern bath scales and cell phones have something in common.......a camera!C. L. Sumpter, High Point
Hi, C.L. Haven't heard from you in awhile. Or, is our spam filter still kicking you out?

1. Look at that dial spin!
2. My sister's scale is broken.
3. If anyone asks I'll give them my weight in Celsius.
4. It's amazing what a wet towel will do.
5. This ends my trips to Golden Corral.
6. Why is it that everything that tastes good puts weight on you?
7. My new diet, "if it tastes good spit it out."
8. Now I know why they took down the "all you can eat sign" as I entered.
9. No more cherries on the sundaes.
10. Oh my, I must be pregnant.
11. Seven hours on the diet and I still have not lost a pound.
12. The bikini is going back.
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden
#7 was funny, but off the subject of the art.

"Madame Zola, are these your fortune telling scales?"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"George??! I'm scared!!....the scales say "666"..."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"I sware that my new nail polish is REALLY heavy."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro
Tarnation! You 'sware'? But you have the right idea.

"R. U. Sirius???"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro
S I M. And thanks for the plug

"Honey, please tell me that you switched the scales to metric."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro
I liked this one. It made the short list.

"It says 'A small metal object will make you cry today.' "
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"Honey, pleeease tell me that these new towels weigh about 14 lbs a piece."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

And last, but not least, here's what most women say upon stepping on the scales:
"!%!**#~@#%&*+!#~x%&!!!" ( ...But is sounds so much better when Sarge is saying it.)
CC Cockerham, Greensboro
No argument here.

"Too bad 'Rebath' doesn't have a 'Rebather' division."
"Please enjoy the music as we tally your weight."
"Please enter the last four digits of your social security number."
"Please join the nearest fitness club immediately!"
"Press one to speak to a personal trainer, press two for a cholesterol consultant, or press three for last will and testament preparation assistance."
Gray Amick, Greensboro

1) "It's spinning so fast that it's giving off a breeze."
2) "This towel must be made of lead!!"
3) "Damn gravity!!!"
Joel Clark, Greensboro

This scale is diet-bolical.
JOAN LUX, GREENSBORO

"What, 8.1 stones!!??"
"Put both feet on scale??"
"Ugh, that the last time I use licorice nail polish"
"Welcome to your new mini-cam talking scale. Smile!"
"Howard, now I understand your gift. This is a violation of the court order"
Dennis LaJeunesse

It says "If you are 7' 3" tall, your weight is perfect."
Mitch Poole, Nashville, TN

SNAIL MAIL
"Oh! My goodness! I need a pedicure."
Helen J. Greene, Biscoe N.C.
I like this one.

1. "I hope I can find Mom's Wranglers!"
2. "I think he said "more is less and less is more."
3. "OH NO! I now am lighter than my husbands ego."
4. "I'm breaking the speed limit, BIG TIME!
5. "This Viagra is wearing me down."
Frank Freeman, Greensboro