News-Record.com

Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com

Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.

LAST WEEK'S WINNER
So, whadda ya think of my selections? Agree? Disagree? Let me know what you think.
Leave a comment. Tell me your pick. Tell me why the ones I picked stink. Or, if you must, tell me how brilliant my choices are.

So many contenders, so few spots. Because so many good entries had to be left out, (some captions that made me laugh didn't even make the runners-up) maybe now is a good time to update my list of what makes an entry stand out.
ONE: Funny. always helps.
TWO: Clever. Clever is not always funny, funny is not always clever. Get both, and you've got something.
THREE: Simple. The minimal amount of words necessary.
FOUR: How well does it fit the drawing. Here is where a lot of funny entries got axed because they didn't quite match the situation, or expression of the person talkng
FIVE: Originality. You can have the funniest joke, but if I've seen a dozen variations, it weakens it.
SIX: Wording. Sometimes the simplest change of words can make the biggest difference. usually the tie-breaker in similar entries.
SEVEN: Lay-off the puns and don't try to force topical references.
EIGHT: Don't get too esoteric. Although I love these kinds of jokes, I have to assume most people won't get them.
There you have it. Eight steps to winning the coveted "Jokes On You" certificate.

The top obscure cultural reference of the week: Bob Mannary with this esoteric gem from the Bugs Bunny cartoon "Rabitson Carusoe": "I'll start with the Tossed Coconut Salad...some Fresh Coconut Milk, and then we'll go with the New England Boiled Coconut"
reading Bob's entries, I think I may have found the only person to have watched even more "Gilligan's Island" reruns and Bugs Bunny cartoons than me. "Gladys the gorilla?" "Dopey Dick?" Get help.
Joel Clark, Brandon Breeze and Bob Mannary get a nod for referencing "Wilson" from "Castaway."
Top inside joke: A lot of competition here, but my favorite was THE Park Groves caption: "I knew we shouldn't of sent 3 guys and a cow" referencing an earlier JOY cartoon involving three men and a cow on a liferaft.

Now, as promised, is Bob Mannary's take on the theme from "Gilligan's Island." It's a hoot.
(Sung to The Tune Of Gilligan's Island...I know you know it...)

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale...
a tale of a comic strip...
That started 12 short months ago...
a contest that's a trip.

The judge was an artist so they say...
a man with a cartoon pen...
The readers sent in funny lines...
in hopes that they would win...

They just want-ed to win...

The contest started getting rough...
more rough and tough each day...
It's getting harder every week...
to swing the vote my way...

To win one on Fri-day.

The strip shows up on the second page...
of the Live! section they print...

With Tim Rick-ard...
and his comic crew...

They pick the jokes...
just for you...

They try real hard...

If they don't pick you...
you make the blog!

Here on Joke's On You Isle!

So this is the tale of a comic strip,
that takes up all our time,
We send in our comedic best,
but it's an uphill climb.

Tim Rickard and his comic crew,
will do their very best,
To pick the lines that make us laugh,
and online blog the rest.

No sex, no drugs, no dirty jokes,
not right for kids to see,
We got to keep it squeeky clean,
for Triad fam-i-lies.

So join us here each week my friends,
You're sure to get a smile,
From Rickard and his Comic Crew,
Here on "Jokes On You Isle."

(And now you can enjoy having the Gilligan's Island song stuck in your head all day!)
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

WINNER
"It says here you are willing to relocate"
Jason Duff, Greensboro

RUNNERS-UP
"I'm sorry, you're just not what we're looking for."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

"Are you available weekends?"
Bill Briggs, Greensboro

"Why did you leave your previous position?"
Brent Wooten, Thomasville

"I'm going to have the cannibal special, I guess you won't need to see the menu."
Phil Valla , Greensboro

"I want to know who started this rumor?"
Joel Clark, Greensboro

"Uh...this side shows you how to make a raft instead of a table..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

"Is it just me, or are the amenities getting worse at these company retreats?"
Kris Voy, Trinity

THE REST
A lot of good entries here. Worth reading
"I'll have the fettucine al Fido"
"I concur."
Doug Cox, Albemarle

Good News! Mr.Jones you saved over a $1000. on your income tax this year.
Jimmy Spurgeon, High Point

"Did I mention my company is quite small?"
Bill Briggs, Greensboro

Reading last month's minutes.you suggested we move to "casual Fridays."
And to my son, I leave my tropical vacation home.
Perhaps if we'd read these directions in the first place.
It's from the Guilford County tax department. Apparently we forgot to list the table and two chairs.
Don Byers, Greensboro
Some good ones here

"Are you willing to travel?"
Bill Briggs
Nice

"But, you have to get to New York by 2:00 P.M. today to collect the $46 million your uncle left you."
Ken Layton, Carthage

"If you're convicted of these charges, you could be banished to a deserted island for life."
Ken Layton, Carthage

1) Same special again! It always coconut and saltwater!
2) Sorry sir, no shoes no service
3) You would have had a return, but that last coconut has put you in a higher tax bracket.
Matt Sides, High Point
My favorite of these was the tax bracket one. Made the short list.

O.K., which do you want first, the good news or the bad news?
Darrell Kidd, Randleman

The bad news is you're being audited. The good news is we're on a deserted island. Well, I guess it's really not that good.
Darrell Kidd, Randleman

It says, "Congratulations. You may be the next winner of the Publishers House Sweepstakes."
J. Darrell Kidd

It says, "Congratulations! You've just won the Publishers House sweepstakes."
Darrell Kidd, Randleman

"I'm in the doghouse till I finish this honey-do list. Why are you here?"
"If we lose Apprentice Bora Bora, the prize is Omarosa!"
"I guess we failed that Dale Carnegie course."
"Just checking to see if Ginger and Mary Ann are on the map key."
Kris Voy, Trinity

1) "Tell me why I should hire you over the rest of the field?"
2) "I find it hard to believe you made no money last year."
3) "No, you can't claim a volleyball as a dependant!"
4) "For the last time, no casual Fridays!!!"
5) "So where do you see yourself in five years."
6) "You could have had your own shadetree but you had to have the furniture."
7) "They say this is the island where Hagar the Horrible is always trapped on."
8) "So what's your plans for the weekend?"
9) "Do you know how to make a radio out of coconuts?"
10) "What do you mean I look like a hot dog?"

Nice ones. I really liked # 5, but Brent Wooten had the exact same caption so you two cancelled each other out.
Joel Clark, Greensboro

happy birthday to the funny people @ the joke is on you
Thanks, Park
"I knew we shouldn't of sent 3 guys and a cow" ----old cartoon
"We should go with Buried Treasure Here instead of Help"
"Brittney wants to buy this island for a hide-away"
"how did we get these BAMBOO chairs?"
"Finally,... He picked our joke"
"finally he put our picture in the paper, maybe the winners joke will be on how we were rescued"
"Your rescue performance is on the decline"
"I don't get this survivor challenge"
"Tim is misleading in our picture, the yacht is over there"
"I would like to buy your half of the island"
"Congrats you've been to promoted to Vice President "
THE Park Groves 13 Greensboro

I am with the IRS Sir...we can find you anywhere!
Christine Keaton, Randleman
Good one. And too true.

1. You don't have a leg up on me anymore.
2. Don't be so bossy!
2. If I die first, it's all yours.
3. You are not the boss any more.
4. Our stock has plummeted.
5. We are corporate survivors.
6. What do you think our land is worth?
7. What I would give for an Iphone now. (Tim, I think it's funny here.)
Nancy and I were discussing the week-before-last's winner. Touche!)
8. It's a corporate take over.
9. What rules?!
9. We need our laptop so we can e-mail for help.
10. Do you have a bottle?
11. Here's our survival plan.
12. I told him not to fly over the Bermuda Triangle.
13. At least the palm tree should keep global warming at bay.
14. Did you find a blue lagoon?
15. Where is Robinson Crusoe when you need him?
16. At least the sharks had a good meal.
17. Who's idea was it take that swim anyway?
19. I hate coconuts!
20. Should have had GPS!!
20. That cruise ship wasn't the Titanic was it??
21. Why do you always get to sit in the palm trees' shade ?
22. This is what I want you to do.
23. Stop bossing me around?
24. I should have taken out more insurance before I left?
25. Small cozy island for sale, needs some work!
26. Hope they don't sell the New's and Record while we are gone.
27. I guess we should not have put a bid in to buy that Greensboro News and Record.
28. I guess they didn't like my campaign speech.
29. I've heard of fasting but this is crazy.
30. Getting throw overboard won't help our corporate image.
31. We shouldn't have told them we were lawyers.
32. Drat, I only had two more years before I could retire.
33. Have you seem Brooke Shields?
34. This is definitely not my kind of island vacation.
35. You are definitely out of my will.
36. This map shows that Blackbeard buried the treasure under the tree.
37. This diet plan is definitely working.
38. Jennie Craig eat your heart out.
39. I should have told her I loved her, now it may be too late.
40. Who died and made you Boss?
41. Any last words?
42. Sign this, I'm not taking the blame.
43. I have heard that coconuts will float, so we had better start eating them.
Nancy Nelson

"What brings you the North Pole? Global warming?"
George A. Boschini, Greensboro

"Where do you see yourself in five years?"
Brent Wooten, Thomasville
Brent, see my note above under Joel Clark's captions.

"The good news is that your ex-wife will allow you to keep the island, the bad news is that she wants the tree."
Don Archibald, Jamestown
There were a lot of divorce captions this week. I'm not sure what that means...

1. This contract is just toilet paper now.
2. I'm filing this lawsuit just as soon as we get back home.
3. Thanks for listening to me practice my acceptance speech.
4. I confess, I did it. 5. I'm firing my speech writers, this is boring stuff.
5. My love letter just isn't romantic, will you help me punch it up.
6. I just finished my will would you sign as my witness.
7. Drat my divorce isn't finally so that means the she devil gets everything.
Nancy Nelson

"Bad news from home, the IRS is suing you for the clothes on your back"
The bad news is, you've been declared legally dead, the good news is you still have flood insurance.
In my will I left you the clothes on my back, this chair, and my half of the island, do what you want with the palm tree...
Survivor wants to know if we would be interested in doing a reality show...
Because of the writers strike we won't know who survives on the island me or you...

No this is not Gilligan's Island
Randy Payne, Greensboro

You have a letter from Mr. Trump. It says you're FIRED!!!!
Randy Payne, Greensboro

"According to this you also own some swamp land in Florida."
"Did you really think the I.R.S. wouldn't find you?"
"Can you explain why you haven't paid on your sail boat?"
"Sir, you can't claim a star fish as a dependent."
"Sir, you can't claim a volley ball as a dependent."
"Who is this Wilson that you claimed on your taxes?"
"Due to outsourcing, I'll be handling your bank account now."
"I'm here for the rest of what your ex-wife won in the divorce."
"There's still some information I need before you get your FEMA check."
"You should get your FEMA check in another few months."
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

Yes, Albert if something happens to me you become the next CEO.
Don Rankin, Greensboro

"The most important thing about owning a business is location, location, location"
"At least it's not hurricane season"
"We have ten years from uh.. 1-15-99 to get of and then global warming floods the island"
"It says here that you're a survival expert, why are we still stuck?"
"Move over SURVIVOR MAN I was here first"
"no way SURVIVOR MAN, Bear Grylls gets this place next!"
THE Park Groves Greensboro

"And now Johnson, about these extra long coffee breaks at Starbucks".
Roy Lawrence, High Point

"And now Mr. Johnson, about these items your claiming on your expense account".
Roy Lawrence, High Point

"Rats, the market is down atgain".
Donna Lawrence High Point

"Well Bob, I'm not sure your Qualifications are what we're looking for.
Donna Lawrence, High Point
Sooooo close, Donna. Sorry, but I decided the shorter version of this caption (runners-up) worked better.
But very good, though.

I think it's time we updated your will, Mr. Howell.
J. C. Winkler, Greensboro

"Interesting, A Code of Cannibalism, Article 1 - Who eats who...."
"You want me to fold this into a plane, and then fly us out??!1
"Nice menu but I see a problem with my leg on it!!"
"This government order says we need to integrate this island!"
"It is just a credit card application from Capital One"
"You want to form a union??"
"Nielsen wants us to participate in their TV survey"
"We have been fired!!"
"You are resigning? From what!!??"
"It is a note from your mother explaining why your are stupid"
"This must be old news. It says OJ has been indicted"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

"Maybe we should revisit this Global Warming Act, Senator."
"Since the tsunami wiped out the rest of Congress, wanna debate the Global Warming Act, Senator?"
"If our waiter Bob ever resurfaces, I'll order the she-crab bisque."
"Boss calls it an indefinite layoff."
"Why, this is in a foreign language. It says 'Directions' on top."
"For the one thousandth time, Joe, I do not want to play the shell game!"
Kris Voy, Trinity
Liked the waiter re-surfacing one, but not sure what "she-crab" is.

"No, Edwards, this does not count as paid vacation."
Reta Beck

"Paragraph 9 Section 17: The use of sporting equipment as a friend or companion during our stay on the island is strictly prohibited."
"Huh...Looks like 'The Jokes On You!' is a year old this week!"
"You think Rickard would throw us a bone given our situation..."
"Looks like your Ex wants the island home in the Pacific too..."
"It's from your Ex-Wife...she apparently needs a cost-of-living increase..."
"The ironic part is that it's written on Enron stationary!"
"I'll start with the Tossed Coconut Salad...some Fresh Coconut Milk, and then we'll go with the New England Boiled Coconut"
"It's from Dopey Dick...he says we'd be safer on the ship..."
"It says, 'Help! I'm stranded on a deserted island with a computer geek in a purple suit!'"
"It says, 'Help! I'm stranded on a deserted island with a crazy staff artist in a purple suit!'"
"It says...Iceburg Ahead! Iceburg Ahead!"
"Apparently the Home-Owners Association has a problem with us having our table and chairs out front all the time..."
"It looks like you've been rejected by eHarmony again..."
"If my calculations are correct...your last yacht payment has just been debited from your account!"
"Wow...The News & Record will do ANYTHING to keep a home delivery customer!"
"OK...this time I'll be Yosemite Sam and YOU can be Bugs Bunny!"
"It's last years News & Record...something about a deserted island and a suggestion box...I don't get it!?!?"
"Looks Ford is rolling out the Model T..."
"Looks like you may have already won 10 million dollars!"
"All we have to do is wire $5000 to this Nigerian bank account and we'll receive millions in return for our help!"
"It's an advertisement for Viagra..."
"It's from the network...they liked the idea of bringing back Fantasy Island!"
"OK...when the plane arrives and you climb down from the tree and yell, 'Da Plane! DaPlane!'"
"This time I'll be Mr. Rourke and YOU can be Tatoo!"
"...we are left with no other alternative but to cancel your subscription to The News & Record at this time."
"Uh...this side shows you how to make a raft instead of a table..."
"How much longer to you think it would've taken to make a raft instead of a table and chairs...I mean REALLY..."
"It looks like we should've turned left at Albuquerque..."
"30 minutes or less...it says so right here!"
"It's from the Coast Guard...they've ticketed us for littering..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro
The sad thing is I get all these references. I need help.

OK, Mr Hanks I have read every inch of this contract. This time you are left here for ever, but you make 50 million dollars.
Randy Payne, Greensboro

"...And to my Dear Henry who always was the explorer of the family, I leave my mansion in Beverly Hills for when he finally decides to settle down."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"...Well, you won't have quite as much to deduct this year as last year, but I think we can still come up with a few things."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro
Nice

"I guess you're wondering why I called you all together."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro
Good one. A runner-up contender.

"Dear John....."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"Mr. Roberts, we see that you still owe $413.87 on your student loan."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"OK, let's take it from the top, but this time, You be Romeo..."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"I KNOW it's silly, but I Still get nervous with public speaking!!!"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"Oh No!! You're not gonna believe this....but the last page is missing!!!"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"Is it just me, or is the service around here terribly slow??"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro
Good one (see Robert's entry down a few lines)

"HEY! Here's another one of those Personal's Ads like you answered that said 'Wanna Get Away??' !!"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

If that waiter doesent return soon I am leaving!
Robert Atwood , Greensboro
Good one (see CC's a couple entries up)

"Let's see what's on the menu, ahh big surprise coconuts, again.
"Can I read that again for the millionth time when your done with it."
"Resume needs work, but I think you'll make a fine Vice President of the island."
scott smith, mcleansville
I really liked #1. Really.

"Well isn't this ironic...it's the receipt for your boat..."
"Can I be X's this time?"
"According to the warranty information, you must report hull damage or defects within 24 hours of purchase..."
"According to your owners manual it looks like that galley window WASN'T supposed to open after all..."
"Huh...it's the instruction manual...guess there's really no point in reading it NOW is there?"
"2...14...21...23...36...and the Powerball is 19...We Won! WE WON!"
"Do you think Jeff Probst will be here soon?"
"I'm starting to think that 'Survivor-You're Screwed' isn't really the next season for the show..."
"I'm starting to think that 'Survivor-Geek Island' isn't really a show..."
"What Would Gilligan Do?"
"Ok..OK...Ginger or MaryAnn?"
"Ok...OK...Mrs. Howell...or Gladys the Gorilla from Episide 38?"
"He can make a radio out of 6 coconuts, a palm leaf, and a jungle vine then why couldn't he just fix the boat!"
"It says so right here, "You'll enjoy a beautiful 3 hour tour of the tropics aboard the lovely S.S. Minnow...""
"We just have to wait for Tarzan, George Barkley, or some Russian Cosmonauts, to show up and we're as good as rescued..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro
... Russian Cosomonauts ...
You forgot the Japanese soldier, The surfer dude, the mad scientist, the bananna-republic dictator, The Beatles-like music group ... etc., etc.

I am not nuts. So shall we make a grocery list??
Estimated costs for and Island Vacation??? You have gone mad!
Christine Keaton, Randleman

"Why no Bob, there's nothing the matter atoll."? (Sorry)
You should be.
"Now is that your home number or your cell?"
"And after three years you get two weeks vacation."
"Jenkins, I was just looking over your latest survey."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

I sorry you do not have flood insurance.
Patsy Comer

"And in the event of my death, I leave you my chair, my half of the table, the clothes on my back and my half of the Island."
Mitch Poole, Nashville
CC, Tell Mitch I really liked this one. Almost a runner-up (maybe shortened a bit...?)

"Hi, I'm Jeff Probst. Welcome to Survivor: Gilligan's Island."
"Hi, I'm Jeff Probst. Welcome to Survivor: Mano e mano."
(yes, I know that literally it's hand to hand and not man to man as people often think, and it's mano a mano at that, but I thought this sounds funnier...blah, blah, blah... :)
I learned something.
"Hi, I'm Jeff Probst. Since it seems like you and I were the only ones left on 'Survivor: the Tsunami', whaddya say we split that million?"
"Hi, I'm Jeff Probst. It seems we had a little mix up this year..."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

1) "Don't be mad at me, you should have brought your own paper."
3) "You're fired !! Now please leave the property."
4) "Tell the truth, did you finish my crossword puzzle?"
5) "I'm not blaming you, I'm just saying I didn't do it!!"
6) "Feel free to get a second opinion."
7) "I'm sorry. I was daydreaming that we were two snowmen."
8) "We should have listened to Al Gore, this is all that's left of Florida!!"
9) "It's a ransom note from the guy who took our shoes. "
10) "We are the last two guys on earth and I still can't win The Jokes on You."
Oh yes you can ...
Joel Clark, Greensboro

"Flood insurance can be tricky."
David Downing, Greensboro

"It says here that it will be warm and sunny for the next 2 weeks. Oh wait second, This paper is 6 years old."
Mitch Poole, Nashville

"This isn't as soft as Charmin, but it will have to do."
Mitch Poole, Nashville

"How come we don't go out anymore?"
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden
Nice one, Jean

"Maybe we should have taken the two hour tour."
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden

"It's a letter from Robinson Crusoe."
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden

"It's a letter from Gilligan."
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden

"I think I represent Paula and Randy when I say 'You're terrible. Go home.' "
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden

"I'll have the cheeseburger with fries, hold the onions."
"I'll have the cheeseburger with fries, hold the onions. You're turn."
"I'll have the cheeseburger with fries, hold the onions. I know I always say I'll order something different, but that just sounds so good!!!"
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden
I loved the plain goofiness of the last one.

"I see from your resume you've had previous experience at being marooned, Mr. Gilligan."
"Anyone can climb a tree and be a look out. How are you at sand castle building?"
"I quite agree, we shouldn't let a little thing like a plane crash stop our merger negotiations."
"And after 5 years the interest rate on your palm tree's mortgage goes up."
"So we agree, you get the shade on odd numbered days and I get it on even numbered days."
"You get the shade in the morning and I get the shade in the afternoon."
Alan Parrish, Archdale
Some good ones here

"Isn't there somewhere else you can go while I'm reading??"
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden

"You KNOW that I always like to read the paper with breakfast!!"
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden

"Hi Mr.Crusoe, I'm here about your ad for a personal attendant. I can start Friday."
"Hi Mr.Crusoe. I'm here about your ad. And I'd like to make it clear that I'm a vegetarian."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"Well Mr.Crusoe, I'm free on Friday's."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro
cute.

"Sorry I'm late but traffic was murder."
"The job sounds great but I'm reluctant to relocate to the other side of the island."
Gray Amick, Greensboro
Very nice. Close to the winner

"Do you have any references?"
"It says here you were once a ship captain. How'd that go?"
"I'm sorry, but I'm voting you off the island."
"It clearly says in our contract that I'm the Skipper and you're Gilligan."
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden
Good ones. Loved number two.

"Says here you are a real people person".
Wally Fox, Greensboro

Let's skip the entree and have 2 desserts. You only live once.
Don't argue with me. If I go first, I want you to have everything.
I found this buried in the sand. Hillary Clinton is running for senator in New York. Can you imagine that?
It's been almost 5 years. I'm sure the Iraq war is long over.
Nancy Stevens, Jamestown

1. The message in the bottle is from your wife, "Don't forget the milk."
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden
Nice.

"Believe me, out here you don't want a head hunter's assistance."
"I wouldn't recommend a head hunter in this neighborhood."
Gray Amick, Greensboro

"The contract clearly states. Ocean front property with private beach."
Charles Miller, Greensboro

"Maybe my advice about contesting your divorce was a bit short-sighted."
"Contesting your divorce may have been a bit short-sighted."
Marsha Elam, Greensboro

"I think a desalinization plant may be over-reaching."
"Where's the beef?"
"I can't believe you told your wife 'Over my dead body!'"
".and the party of the first part will utilize the shade on odd-numbered days.."
Marsha Elam, Greensboro

SNAIL MAIL
"Why are we here? You got us here so we are going to do land work to see who gets the most land."
Stefan Greeson (9), Burlington

"I told you they over-charged us for the baked salmon."
Georgie June H. Pettiford (?) Greensboro

"This lot you bought for your house is smaller due to global warming. The good news is --- you won't have to have a garage."
Ruth P. Davis, Eden

"Headline: Warming To Raise Ocean 10 Feet Tomorrow!"
"According to this, we are trespassing!"
Frank M. Freeman, Greensboro

"I wonder if the election's over. I really wanted to vote."
Margaret Robertson, Eden

"According to this chart we are at low tide."
"You didn't list this property for taxes."
"If we had a pencil we could put a letter in a bottle if we had a bottle."
Max Harless, High Point