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Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.

LAST WEEK'S WINNER
So, whadda ya think of my selections? Agree? Disagree? Let me know what you think.
Leave a comment. Tell me your pick. Tell me why the ones I picked stink. Or, if you must, tell me how brilliant my choices are.

Almost all of you threw in the towel. A "heavy towel" reference, that is. I picked the winner because it was the first of only a few that did the best job of naively "blaming" the towel for the weight gain.
And for this week's cartoon, well, I was a little inspired by the "Cloverfield" movie. Have a monstrously good time with it.

The winner of the Best Inside Joke was Nancy Nelson with "I think the deserted island diet could work."
Second place was the various "water-weight" references.
And special Judge's award to CC Cockerham for her plug of the R.U. Sirius.
Bob Mannary, once again gets Best Obscure Cultural Reference with his mention of the Flinstone shaver. Bob Beitzel Gets an honorable mention for his very dark reference to Karen Carpenter.

WINNER
My God, this towel has gained weight.
Susan Dalton, Reidsville

RUNNERS-UP
“I liked myself better before laser eye surgery.”
Tom Norman Greensboro
The only gag that made me stop and think for a second. Very good.

I gotta buy some lighter towels.
Eric Thies, Harrisonburg Va.
Just liked the wording of this one.

"Liar!"
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden
Bob, if the woman's expression better matched this short, pithy caption, you may have had a winner on your hands.

"I'd like a recount."
Brent Wooten, Thomasville

"Did you just moan??"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

#&$!%ing Holidays!
Quentin Genke, Greensboro

"To be continued?"
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

"I've never seen this part of the scale!"
The Groves Family Snowville aka Greensboro

THE REST
"It went down!"
"I'm gonna kill my husband"
"The real horror is those pink tiles"
"This towel weighs like what. 5 pounds?"
"Every time I step on this scale I feel a blast of wind"
"Is that including the weight of the scale?"
"85.. still not what the models weigh"
"KEEP KNIVES AWAY FROM ME!"
"Lose 30 pounds in 30 days my blubber"
"This has to be a defect"
"With Weight Watchers I'm watching my weight GROW!"
"They said it would melt right off and instead its welded on to me"
Park Groves Greensboro

"Arrgghh. I just don't understand. I ran 16 miles yesterday. Could it possibly be the pizza and ice cream"?
"A scale is just like a man. Completely unpredictable".
"I am needing some divine intervention about now".
"Oh, Lord....I have sinned"!
Cindy Barbour

"One more pound and the towel goes!"
Manley Dodson, Jamestown

"These scales never tell the truth"
Manley Dodson, Jamestown

I should have listened to the leader,"A moment on the lips,forever on the hips"
Shirley Dixon, Whitsett

"Maybe I should lose the towel..."
Jennifer Robson, Greensboro

YIPES, this is one heavy towel.
shirley stultz, climax

Last time I'll buy thick towels.
Power of positive thinking -- "zaftig" and "Rubenesque" are lovely words.
Towel is sopping wet, I swallowed toothpaste, my lungs are full of air -- so I haven't gained any!
It's broken, it's BROKEN, the dial spun around twice!
No more thick towels for this household.
I KNOW this scale is off.
If I could just learn to embrace the adjectives "zaftig" and "Rubenesque."
"Zaftig" and "rubenesque" aren't such bad adjectives.
JOAN LUX, GREENSBORO

Never weigh in the nude -- it leaves no wiggle room for "interpretation."
(GULP) I don't even have on my heavy winter boots.
I thought those potato chips were too salty last night!
JOAN LUX, GREENSBORO

"This towel sure weighs a lot!"
Brad Howes, Greensboro

"Press F1 to continue????"
"Did I buy a scale or a slot machine?"
"What do you mean Mmmph???"
"What do you mean by Woah??"
"Magic Scale Down On The Floor...Don't Make Me Hate You Any-more..."
"Hmmm...just like he said...95 pounds soaking wet..."
"Looks like Barney left his electric razor on the floor again..."
(Please tell me you're a Flinstone's fan! Bees in a clamshell...)
Bob. Me? A Flintstones fan? What do YOU think?
"Oooh....Creme Filled Powdered Donut!"
"Are you REALLY a magic clam?"
"I don't know who I think I'm fooling by using a Krispy Kreme Box as a bathroom scale..."
"Glad I didn't drop both of them..."
"Please upgrade your software to the XL edition at your earliest convenience..."
"Expired?"
"I guess Diet Pepsi and a bag of Oreo's DON'T cancel each other out..."
"I wonder if this thing is stuck?"
"Press any key to continue..."
"Numbers in this window are generally larger than they appear..."
"I guess I should have expected the needle to stop at 60 when I saw Mary Kate & Ashley's picture on the box..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

Bright side -- water retention is a plus in a drought.
I should share my water retention secrets with the reservoirs in G'boro.
JOAN LUX, GREENSBORO

Liar, liar, scale's on fire
Joan Hunt, Greensboro

This scale is "Weigh" off.
ken hunt, greensboro

"OH NO I,VE LOST TOO MUCH!!
Georgia Courts, Greensboro

Oh my, I can't believe this towel weighs so much!
No name given

I didn't eat that much this week; this towel must weigh a lot!
No name given

"Help! Something's standing on me and I can't get up!"
Margaret Hunter, Greensboro

"Wow, I lost 40 pounds in one week! I guess there are some positive things about crystal meth after all."
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

"I will not drop the towel!"
Barbara Collins Golding, Reidsville

"This towel must be retaining water."
"My towel has gained two pounds."
"Ask again later???"
"I prefer this metric scale."
Brent Wooten, Thomasville

I thought we had an understanding!
Mary Fehl, Burlington
Not sure why, but this one appealed to me.

Oh dear! My toes are disappearing....
This thing must be broke......
Ten pounds heavier?...this towel must really be wet...
It can't be.....I need to see the eye doctor.....
Sara Lee really does do it good....
and they say cops hit the donut shop once to often!
its that time of the month ... has to be water ... doesn't it?
Christine Keaton, Randleman

I guess Jenny Craig meant one treat at a time
Christine Keaton, Randleman

"Tomorrow is another day..."
Gary Springs, Greensboro

"Darn writer's strike!! It's Blank!!"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro
Liked this one. It was a runner-up contender.

"It says 'OUCH!'"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro
Liked this one, but it seems familiar to me.

"...It reads 'Sorry. You didn't win. Try again!' "
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"so just how much does this darn towel weigh"
Gary A. Badgett, Kernersville

Oh my! This towel is getting heavier.
Eileen Thiery, Stokesdale
Good one. Also right along the lines of the winner, but you were beat to it.

"This is just between us, right?"
Bill Briggs, Greensboro

"One more pound and it's back to the attic with you!"
Bill Briggs, Greensboro
Not sure why, but this one appealed to me.

"I've told you a thousand times to stop exaggerating!"
Bill Briggs, Greensboro

"Wow, I really need to stop buying these heavyweight towels!"
Joni Barclay, High Point

"Henry...does this towel make my butt look big?"
Wendall Barclay, High Point

"Zero to 95 in 1.3 seconds"
Johnny Calhoun, Brown Summit

Darn this towel; it gained five pounds.
Ruthann Fox-Hines, Greensboro
Right along the lines of the winner. But it was first.

Cripes,this is one heavy towel!
Shirley Stultz, Climax

The 12 pound towel.
A. Flynn

1. If they'd have drawn me naked I'd have weighed less.
2. I don't need psychotherapy, I look good.
3. Eating disorder, no way!
4. Now, I have to gain weight or I'm out of a job.
5. What does it take for a girl to gain a few pounds?
6. But I don't want to throw up!
7. Something's wrong, I'm not anorexic!
8. This scale must be broken.
9. I hate taking laxatives.
10. Size zero, no way!
11. Well I guess I'll have to go back to the fat farm.
11. Time for a tummy tuck.
12. If I wrap the extra towel around me I'll weigh more.
13. My dance recital is only two weeks away.
14. My modeling coach is going to kill me.
15. I'm too thin, they'll ban me from the catwalk.
16. I need my colonic treatment.
17. That mirror has got to go!
18. I guess getting my stomach stapled won't be too bad.
19. I don't have time to be admitted to a clinic.
20. I want to look like Nichole Richie.
21. I'm not Twiggy. (Opps, I guess this one gives my age away)
22. My boyfriend wants me to gain some weight.
23. My boyfriend says I'm too fat.
24. It's colon irrigation time.
25. I'm never going to be as thin as Twiggy.
26. I'm too fat to parade down the catwalk.
26. I don't think acting the part of Twiggy is worth all this work.
27.I'm going to run away instead of strutting down that runway.
28. Dying from starvation is the perfect job description.
29. I'll die trying to get a position on that designers' runway.
30. My bridal gown isn't going to fit.
31. I have to exercise MORE!
32. Nobody's going to ask me to the prom.
33. I'm not going to the debutante ball looking like this.
34. Maybe the circus will hire me as a tightrope walker.
35. What would Mom do?
36. Pool party, no way!
37. I'll never get into my itsy-witsy teeny-weeny yellow poke-a-dot bikini.
38. I think the deserted island diet could work.(What do think Tim?)
39. This Special-K and milk diet really does work.
40. I need more fiber.
Nancy Nelson

"One At A Time, Please"
Dallas Decker, Reidsville
Nice, but the lady is the one talking ... and I know I've heard this one.

I'm big boned, not fat!!!
J. C. Winkler, Greensboro

1) On a scale of one to ten, you're zero!
2) Do better this time--or you're outta here!
3) If my number's up, so is yours!
Bill Beerman, Greensboro

"I'm lovin' this metric system scale"
"Its not me that's gaining weight, its my towels"
"I think I'll come back after another mile"
"The doctor is right, I am seeing things!"
"I hope these are the lottery numbers"
The Groves Family Snowville aka Greensboro

No more "See Food" diet for me!
Fast food means fast pounds!
Hush up! who asked you?
Christine Keaton, Randleman

1) Why does this scale keep showing me an explosion?
2) Oh wonderful! Now it is beeping and flashing a wide load sign!
3) You have now step into the "Twilight Zone" !
4) Wow! I didn't know this scale played music? And I think it is playing "She ain't heavy she is my mother !"
Catherine Duke, Kernersville

1.) "Quit mocking me!"
2.) "That's I what I get taking diet advice from Rosie O'Donnell."
3.) "Good Lord, how much does this towel weigh?"
4.) "I am a fat, worthless, no good..hey is that a brownie over there?"
5.) "And people said I was crazy trying that ten laxatives a day diet!"
6.) "Okay, just keep repeating to yourself: 'binge and purge', 'binge and purge'.."
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

"Honey, where did junior put that new web cam?"
"My gosh, my calves have turned into cows."
"If I can't be thin, I'm going to cut off my circulation until I...I ..ugghh."
"Nice hotel but that manager, Mr. Bates, was a real weirdo wasn't he dear?...Honey?"
"Honey, which pink towel did you use to clean up the crazy glue?"
"Bob never snaps me with his towel anymore."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

1. "It must be my head, everything else is so small."
2. "What is this insanity?"
3. "Gulp...So much for New Year's relsoutions."
Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro
Liked number three, but Brandon Breeze, right below you, had the same idea.
And, it would work better without the unnecessary "gulp"
And please, call me tim.

"What are the chances this towel weighs 20 lbs?"
"Even my scale has turned against me."
"So much for my New Years Resolution."
"So much for my resolution. There's always 2009."
"Oh well...I wonder if there's any cake left."
"Huh, one at a time?"
"You don't want to know."
"170 and no, it's not water weight."
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro
I also really liked the "cake" one, implying she's just giving up. Funny.

"Maybe going back for fifths was a bad idea."
"Get a StairMaster."
"Go jog."
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

1. "Go ahead, make my day!"
2. "Scale, scale on the floor, whose the lightest of them all?"
Wally Fox, Greensboro

"I will lose more weight even if it kills me, or my name's not Karen Carpenter!"
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden
oooooo....

1. Susan steps into the Twilight Zone: Her Christmas wish was for something that would do zero to 120 in five seconds. This one did 165!
2. Mary discovers that modern bath scales and cell phones have something in common.......a camera!C. L. Sumpter, High Point
Hi, C.L. Haven't heard from you in awhile. Or, is our spam filter still kicking you out?

1. Look at that dial spin!
2. My sister's scale is broken.
3. If anyone asks I'll give them my weight in Celsius.
4. It's amazing what a wet towel will do.
5. This ends my trips to Golden Corral.
6. Why is it that everything that tastes good puts weight on you?
7. My new diet, "if it tastes good spit it out."
8. Now I know why they took down the "all you can eat sign" as I entered.
9. No more cherries on the sundaes.
10. Oh my, I must be pregnant.
11. Seven hours on the diet and I still have not lost a pound.
12. The bikini is going back.
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden
#7 was funny, but off the subject of the art.

"Madame Zola, are these your fortune telling scales?"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"George??! I'm scared!!....the scales say "666"..."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"I sware that my new nail polish is REALLY heavy."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro
Tarnation! You 'sware'? But you have the right idea.

"R. U. Sirius???"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro
S I M. And thanks for the plug

"Honey, please tell me that you switched the scales to metric."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro
I liked this one. It made the short list.

"It says 'A small metal object will make you cry today.' "
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"Honey, pleeease tell me that these new towels weigh about 14 lbs a piece."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

And last, but not least, here's what most women say upon stepping on the scales:
"!%!**#~@#%&*+!#~x%&!!!" ( ...But is sounds so much better when Sarge is saying it.)
CC Cockerham, Greensboro
No argument here.

"Too bad 'Rebath' doesn't have a 'Rebather' division."
"Please enjoy the music as we tally your weight."
"Please enter the last four digits of your social security number."
"Please join the nearest fitness club immediately!"
"Press one to speak to a personal trainer, press two for a cholesterol consultant, or press three for last will and testament preparation assistance."
Gray Amick, Greensboro

1) "It's spinning so fast that it's giving off a breeze."
2) "This towel must be made of lead!!"
3) "Damn gravity!!!"
Joel Clark, Greensboro

This scale is diet-bolical.
JOAN LUX, GREENSBORO

"What, 8.1 stones!!??"
"Put both feet on scale??"
"Ugh, that the last time I use licorice nail polish"
"Welcome to your new mini-cam talking scale. Smile!"
"Howard, now I understand your gift. This is a violation of the court order"
Dennis LaJeunesse

It says "If you are 7' 3" tall, your weight is perfect."
Mitch Poole, Nashville, TN

SNAIL MAIL
"Oh! My goodness! I need a pedicure."
Helen J. Greene, Biscoe N.C.
I like this one.

1. "I hope I can find Mom's Wranglers!"
2. "I think he said "more is less and less is more."
3. "OH NO! I now am lighter than my husbands ego."
4. "I'm breaking the speed limit, BIG TIME!
5. "This Viagra is wearing me down."
Frank Freeman, Greensboro