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Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com

Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.

LAST WEEK'S WINNER
So, whadda ya think of my selections? Agree? Disagree? Let me know what you think.
Leave a comment. Tell me your pick. Tell me why the ones I picked stink. Or, if you must, tell me how brilliant my choices are.

The 12-step program for felines was the theme this week, with many of you having the cat recount his past addiction to cat-nip, tuna, birds, mice, etc. Also politics were on a lot of your minds (big surprise.) But, having weaseled-out of choosing a single winner last week by declaring a group-winner caption, I went with what I thought were some of the more original entries. The winner went to what cat lovers around here just KNOW is really going on in a cat's mind.
BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE As always, goes to Bob Mannary of Greensboro for "Today's Topic...Succotash and Why It Continues To Suffer." and "Thunder...Thunder...Thunder Cats! Ho!....."
BEST INSIDE JOKE: goes to Nancy Nelson with a couple 'Brewster Rockit' references and this one from last week's cartoon: "Stop worrying, Cat Woman took care of Godzilla."
And for the "I SWEAR, I THOUGHT THEY WERE RABBITS" category, the award goes to Charles Miller for this caption: I am an honorable rabbit. I did not steal from the carrot bank. I am not a crook.

WINNER
"And so I say to you: Ask not what you can do for anyone."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

RUNNERS-UP
"And in summary, meow."
Mike Hicks, Thomasville

My next campaign stop will be at 2:30 a.m. on the Andersons' back fence.
JOAN LUX, GREENSBORO
Close to being a winner.

"meow meow CHANGE meow meow"
(barbara adds: It's the same message...in any language.)
Barbara Cashman, Greensboro

I accept my ninth lifetime achievement award with mixed emotions.
Bill Cunane, Greensboro

Any ideas on a theme for our upcoming musical production?
Bill Wallace, High Point

"...All in favor, Meow. All opposed, Hisssss."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

This meeting of Creepy Ol' Ms. Jenkins' pets will now come to order!"
Eli Oklesh, Greensboro
Ah, Eli. Always a brides maid, never a bride.
The term is "crazy" cat lady, not "creepy." I'm afraid this minor semantic detail may have cost you first place in what was an otherwise funny and original caption (at least one of the judges didn't get it on first read.)

THE REST
"My name's Fluffy, and I'm a catnip addict."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
Good, but too many with this theme. See below.

"I have a Dream!!!...."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"At last week's City Council meeting, Tom asked that we reconvene about the garbage problem. He feels that trash pick up is too frequent."
"At last's week's City Councel meeting, Tom asked if we could reconvene to see why we can't have the same garbage system as Italy."
"I know that many of you asked to discuss if we can begin the same garbage pick-up system as they have in Italy..."
"We're here tonight to vote again about switching to the Italian Garbage system."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"The part of Rum Tum Tugger will be played tonight by Tom."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"Welcome to the 9th annual chapter meeting. Of course this will be the Final meeting for several of us...."
Jay Moore, Jamestown
ALMOST a runner-up. The last caption to be edited out for lack of space.

Greetings my fellow Americats...
Troyce Hood, Greensboro

"I now present to you our new leader Meow-se-tong"
Bob Blanchard, Randleman

"And, if elected, I promise (1) to outlaw rockers in all homes, (2) more and better litter boxes, and (3) catnip in every cat's dish."
KEN LAYTON, CARTHAGE

". . .And Mickey Mouse has been stocking up on WMD's."
KEN LAYTON, CARTHAGE
cute

"Memmmmmrrryyyyyyy. All alone in the moooonliiiiight."
J. C. Winkler, Greensboro
Nice. I liked it.

I refuse to be called a pussy!
Yes, I am a pro-toilet paper candidate.
Any student wishing to use the box must get a hall pass.
Our next order of business: abolishing butt-licking.
And not I present to you our wonderful, wonderful leader... Felix!
And not I present to you our wonderful, wonderful guest speaker...
Eli Oklesh, Greensboro

"Hi, my name is Fluffy and I'm a catnip-aholic..."
"Last night, we lost Patches in a freak yarn accident. So, let's be careful out there!"
"Welcome to the 2008 Miss Catnip contest!"
"Let me say this as clear as possible: I did not have sexual relations with that poodle!"
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

"Hi...I'm Spud's McKenzie...and I'm an alcoholic..."
"It is this candidate's opinion that Bob Barker Must Be Stopped!"
"I have not now, nor have I ever intentionally taken Nepeta to increase my natural fence jumping abilities..."
"I have not now, nor have I ever intentionally taken Catnip to increase my backyard prowling performance!"
"I CAN confirm that Garfield is in fact currently being treated for a large intestinal blockage and is under a 5150 hold at this time..."
"I CAN confirm that Garfield is in fact currently being treated for a small intestinal blockage...most likely caused by a high fat high starch diet..."
"At this time we have no immediate suspects in the disappearance of Mr. Morris but the investigation is ongoing..."
"Read...My...Lips...No...More...Neutering..."
"Bill was found unconscious in his hotel room around 4:00 am this morning. Mr. Milo Bloom and Opus the Penguin are currently being held for questioning..."
"I would like to welcome you to the new Carolina Panthers training facility..."
"Without further adieu I would like to welcome this years celebrity guest speaker...TOM!
"Thunder...Thunder...ThunderCats! Ho!....."
"Today's Topic...Succotash and Why It Continues To Suffer."
"And THAT'S what Tigger's Do Best..."
"What I can confirm is that that WAS in fact life number nine..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

"Welcome to How to train your human 101".
Donna M. Walli, Greensboro

"I told Barry to keep his steroids in his baseball bag"
"It was only an alligator until it ate the New York Yankees"
Park Groves,Greensboro
Leftover from last week, I presume?

"Hello, and welcome to Male Kittens Anonymous"
"Sorry, but a cat has my tong"
"I promise change"
"I have a dream that one day our nation will live litter blind"
"I have been against the war on dogs before it was popular to do so"
"It's time for male kittens to come out of the bag"
"AND ARE YOU TIRED OF BEING RUBBED BY SMELLY FEET!!!!!!"
"Let's go out there and change all those "dog people's" mind"
"Someone among us is a DOG!!"
"All right which one of you has my tong?"
Park Groves, Greensboro

Who just got off of the tuna boat?
Let us paws for a moment...
and Morris lost his ninth life today....
The mouse spec-attack-ular will be held...
We found some kittens mittens...
Puss N Boots cleaned the boxes today....
"Cat Scratch Fever" has really caught us all....
Meow Mix now has insect, rodent, and bird flavors.
Cattyness is my trademark and mousing is my game.
My story is meowww wild and hisss terically sad.
My name is Bill and I am neutered and declawed....
Who used the catnip in the boys litterbox area?
Rabid rumors about my temperment are being spread.....
Christine Keaton, Randleman

And if elected, I promise you fresh litter in every box!
Robin Davis, Greensboro
I liked this one. very simple.

".....and I repeat, mandatory spaying and neutering is NOT part of my universal health care plan."
Chris Augustine, Greensboro
Nice

"Well, I was going to have a Power Point here, but I can't find the mouse."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

"...and that's why I think Top Cat would be a better choice than Hilliary."
Joseph Thomas, Siler City

"...and that's why I think Top Cat would be a better choice than Hilliary."
Joseph Thomas, Siler City

From Angela McGinn, This is from her 2-yr-old Max. When shown the cartoon and asked what he thought the cat was saying:
"Meow."
Max McGinn, Greensboro, age 2
Very good. Nice and simple.

The second is from her "normally not so funny" husband, Brian McGinn:
"Hello my name is Steve and I'm a Catnipaholic."
Brian McGinn, Greensboro

"I did NOT have sexual relations with that woman..."
"My name's Fluffy...and I'm a Mouse-A-Holic..."
"Halle Berry...two paws up...Michelle Pfeiffer...two paws down..."
"...Life 3 was the electric fence incident...Life 4..."
"No...I was NOT wearing Boots at the time..."
"...he called me 'The P Word' so I really had no choice..."
"It doesn't matter that we're not on Broadway any longer...it's still alright to dance..."
"It's this cat's humble opinion that Bob Mannary should receive this week's certificate..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro
Some other time, Bob.

"Don't Be A Pussy...Get Out And Vote!"
(I know that there's no way this one can win but I thought you might get a chuckle out of it) :-)
Bob Mannary, Greensboro
hee hee.

"My name is Tom and I'm a catnipoholic"
Bob Caso, Jamestown
Good, but just too many ...

"Hi, my name is Bob and I'm a mouse-aholic."
Chuck Walker, Greensboro
see?

# 1My pledge to you- a canary in every pot!
#2 In a dog eat dog election we win!
Ron Harris, Reidsville

Hi, I'm Richard Simmons and this is "Cooking with Tuna 101."
Ralph Rossi

Hi. My name is Whiskers and I'm a tunaholic.
Jean Weatherman, Greensboro

"You all are the cats meow for coming here tonight just to listen to me".
Hally Lee Rankin

"Are there any tomcats in the house tonight?"
Hally Lee Rankin

"It doesn't matter what I say because all you cats do whatever, whenever."
Hally Lee Rankin

"That is why you should vote for me, prrrrrocobama."
Shelby Beattie, Summerfield

I have just one thing to say - "Meow"
Joan Hunt, Greensboro
Nice. I kinda liked the runner-up with this theme a little bit better, though.

Why can't a cat run for president? Lots of dogs are.
Joan Hunt, Greensboro
Bah-dom, bing

Vote for me and I'll rid our Country of all the rats - especially the two legged ones!
Joan Hunt, Greensboro

"Please turn off your purr during the performance."
"Verily, the more catnip you give, the more you shall receive."
Mike Hicks, Thomasville

1. Meow!
2. Meow, meow, meow!
3. Purr-fect.
4. Elect me and everything will be purrfect.
5. There with be Pur(r)ina in every bowl.
6. Cats Unite.
7. No dogs allowed.
8. I'll come up with a better vet care plan.
9. No more fur balls.
10. Hiss, hiss, hiss!
11. Our world is going to the dogs.
12. We need to reclaim our place in society.
13. There'll be CATnip in every toy.
14. I want to be your galactic president. (Brewster doesn't always tell the truth)
15. On the job CATnapping will be allowed.
16. Stop worrying, Cat Woman took care of Godzilla.
17. Humans are okay, it's the dogs that stink.
18. We need to get rid of all the rats that are running for president.
19. All kitty litter will change color!
20. Being a stray of mixed descent makes me your best candidate.
21. I believe in Animal Rights.
22. We"ll be worshipped once more.
23. It'll be a CATastropic if you elect Brewster Rockitt.
24. Electing me will be a true "CATastropic Success".
25. Humans don't understand us.
26. Send me your poor, your tired and your hungary.
27. Milk and Friskies are being served in the lobby.
28. The other candidates act CATonic.
29. Declawing of cats will be outlawed.
30. No kitten left behind.
31. All Dogs Go to Heaven, the Sooner the Better.
32. Cats Rule!
33. Cats will prosper!
34. All dogs will be sent to a deserted island.
35. Neutering or spaying of cats will be forbidden.
36. No furniture will be off limits.
37. I have but nine lives to give to my country.
38. Humans will pet and groom us on demand.
39. All kitty litter will be recycled.
40. There will be catwalks in every home.
41. Elect me and the Human Fat Cats will be exiled.
42. The borders will now be guarded with our Big Cats. ( Let's see who takes on the lions and the tigers, etc.)
43. Humans must learn our language.
44. I'm the Cats Meow.
45. All licking will be done in private.
46. Try not to scratch the humans.
Nancy Nelson
Number 30 had intriguing possibilities, but wasn't an actual caption -i.e., something the cat would actually be saying - it was more of an idea.

1. "My name is John and I've been catnip free for 41 days."
2. "Let me make this purrrrrrrfectly clear."
3. "Only a few will be selected for Project Catwalk."
4. "Our Getting Rid of The Family Dog Seminar will show you..."
5. "Now join me in a lively rendition of "What's New Pussycat."
Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro

"So graduates, I say to you, live all of your lives to their fullest."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

"My name is Fluffy and I'm an alcoholic."
"You've only got 9 lives, make them worthwhile!"
"Unite against our common foe; the vacuum!"
"My name is Snowball and I'm a catnip addict."
"Spike is gone so it's open season on Tweety!"
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

"My name is Fluffy, and I'm a fubaholic"
"9 Lives: Myth or Legend?"
Robert Dator, Greensboro

'Please get out your fiddles-the cows will be here soon"
Mary Dator, Greensboro

I did not, repeat, did not have sex with that cat.
C. L. Sumpter, High Point

I've already admitted that as a young cat I indulged in catnip.
My chances are excellent -- Ralph Nader and Jerry Brown aren't running this year.
A vote for me is a vote for tuna in every bowl and a litter pan in every house.
My campaign will not be swayed by media caterwauling.
Health care for all -- and NO mandatory internal parasite exams.
Don't worry about my age -- I have at least 4 lives left!
And I promise a bill banning the big snip-snip!
I'm no fat-cat insider.
I'm the best fourth-party candidate!
A vote for "Miss Kitty" is a vote for a saloon on every corner.
As a feminist I resent being called cutesy names like "puddycat"!
JOAN LUX, GREENSBORO

I'm counting on the Ralph Nader, Jerry Brown, and Ross Perot voters turning out!
JOAN LUX, GREENSBORO

"Now we're going to have a small reception. I think there's enough saucers for everyone."
"I'll take questions now, but remember, let's watch that curiosity."
"One last note, lodge brothers. The janitor is saying that some of you are still missing the litter box."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
Two more from here (last two) made the short list

"Who is it that keeps on hissing?"
"What's wrong with you all? Don't you care? You all act so...so indifferent."
"Yes Ralph, in retrospect, the rocking chairs were probably a bad idea."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
Liked the rocking chair one. definetly made my short list

After years of denial, Tom came clean " Hi, I'm Tom and I too walk on the counters when my owners are not home!"
Roddy Woodard, High Point

"...and so I told the humans they were not dealing with a herd mentality here."
Suzanne C. Tate, Asheboro

"Meow is the Perrrrfect time to vote, Demo-Cat!"
Shabazz Allah, Greensboro

"My opponent is pro-canine."
"I tried catnip once but I didn't inhale."
Brent Wooten, Thomasville

If elected..I will petition Warner Brothers to let Sylvester eat Tweety!
Christine Keaton, Randleman

"I have bad news to report. Patches has been found. Unfortunately, he's today's special at Golden Dragon."
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

"We attack the humans at dawn..Freedom!!!"
"'I'm sorry to report that Sylvester the Cat was found dead in a catnip house. Calling hours will be from thhhhhhhh-ix to thhhhhhhh-even."
"Garfield could not be here to accept his award. Accepting on his behalf is his long time partner, Morris."
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

"I am Chairman Meow. and you must now follow the TAO."
Lee Settle, Graham

1) " My opponent is in his ninth life . Do we really want someone that old in charge?"
2) " My opponent claims to be a cat but his voting record reflects the wishes of dogs!!"
3) "I tried Katnip but I didn't ingest!"
4) "If elected I promise a tenth life for everyone!!"
5) "If elected I promise to bring curiosity up on murder charges!!!"
6) "And unlike my opponent, when I cross your path I don't bring you bad luck."
7) " Read my lips NO NEW HAIRBALLS !!! "
Joel Clark, Greensboro

1. "My name is Garfield and I'm a catnipaholic."
2. "Let me make this purrrrrrrrfectly clear."
Wally Fox, Greensboro

"We're here to talk about all of these ties in tic tac toe."
Phil Valla, Greensboro

"Absolutely no furballs stuck under your desks!"
"Don't argue about grades...I've earned tenure nine times!"
"After the ninth repeat, I'd think some of you would pass my class!"
"Obedient, attentive, interested...what are you, a bunch of dogs?"
"So you're searching for a completely different catdidate?"
Kris Voy, Trinity

"Today's topic is 'The Importance of Hairball Maintenance' "
Jennifer Robson, Greensboro

1. If elected, your health insurance will cover fur balls.
2. If elected I will be the Cat's Meow!
3. OK, which one of you black cats walked in front of QB Brady?
4, OK, which black cats walked in front of the Patriots?
5. We are gathered here to honor one who just passed his 9th life.
6. Apparently someone isn't using the litter box.
7. Suggestions? There is Mickey, Pluto, Goofy, Donald but no cat.
8. Imagine, an entire Magic Kingdom built around a mouse.
9. Rin Tin Tin, Lassie, Police Dogs, & we get Cat in a Hat.
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden

Remember, no one is purr-fect.
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden

Flea circuses will be banned ...
Our guest speakers were Jerry and Tweety but ...
Christine Keaton, Randleman

"Please put your paws together and welcome Dr. Seuss to the stage."
"I urge you all to sign the petition against Greensboro becoming a litter-free community."
Gray Amick, Greensboro

"Quit swishing your tails!, I'm almost through."
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden

"Liver and milk refreshments will be served under the table."
"After the meeting, liver and milk refreshments will be served under the tables."
"Liver and milk refreshments will be served under the banquet table after the meeting."
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden

"Thank you for brushing before you came, to reduce shedding in here."
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden

"I guess you're wondering why I've called you all together."
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden

"And only by standing together, united as one, will the global cat-nip shortage be overcome!"
"Ackkk!! Cough!! Sorry, hairball, you understand."
"Calicos, Siamese, Tabbys, Lend me your ball of yarn."
"We must have change! The days of the dog being man's bestfriend must end now!"
"I promise fresh tuna in every bowl, a different toy for each day of the week and everyone gets a hot tin roof!"
"Due to the damage they have caused to many of our tails, I vote we start a grass-roots movement to ban rocking chairs!" Don't dwell on the small things. A smile is worth a thousand words.
Alan Parrish, Clemmons

"Once we go into the conference room, please take your proper places in lines 1 through 9."
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden

"We are all gathered here to mourn the passing of Morris the Cat...for the Ninth time."
"Thank you all for coming to mourn the passing of Morris....AGAIN."
"Has anyone got anything they can think of to add to Morris's passing...for the ninth time?...."
Ken Cockerham, Greensboro

"Welcome to the Reincarnation Seminar: Making the Most of Your Nine Lives."
"Welcome to this Retirement Seminar: Approaching Your Ninth Life."
"Thank you to Kibbles and Bits for sponsoring today's Siminar on Making Your Savings Last for Nine Lives."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"Fluffy, your loud purring is disturbing the others."
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden

"When we go into the conference room, those of you with five lives left should go to the left. Those of you with three lives should go to the right."
"Those with five lives left move to the right, and those with three, move to the left."
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden

"Before I begin, please turn off your cell phones and hide any shiny objects."
Tom Norman, Greensboro
Good one. made the short-short list.

"I have a Dream that one day, dogs and cats will play together...."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

I am an honorable rabbit. I did not steal from the carrot bank. I am not a crook.
Charles Miller

Welcome to the Miller's reunion
Charles Miller

I see you have been procreating since out last reunion.
Joan Miller

"Fellow Democats, we need to select the purrfect candidate."
Gray Amick, Greensboro

Now for a few housekeeping items. The Cat litter is located....
Mary Welker, Julian

"Hello, my name is Morris and i am a nipaholic".
Roy Lawrence, High point

Ok rumor has it that one of you were spotted last week obeying your owner.
Donna Lawrence, High Point

The Canines are lose in the neighborhood, what are we going to do about it?
One (both?) of the Lawrences

Be careful, this is the Chinese year of the Rat.
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden

"Congratulations to those of you tonight receiving your One Year Off Catnip award!"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

1. "Here at Purrfect Feline Match, we guarantee you will find your dream mate."
2. "Thanks to each of you, Feline Spray Mystique has become our best-selling perfume ever."
Catherine Moore, Thomasville

"I'd like to read a passage from my newest book, 'Dr. Seuss in a Noose'."
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

Hello My name is Cat Paws and I am a bird-a-holic
sent via web feedback, no name given

"I'm Tabby Cat and I am a catnipholic!!"
"I promise catnip in every year, a mouse on every plant and a ball of string for every cat!!!"
"With our catnip elixer, you can have 10, every 11 lives!
"Meow, meow, ruff, meow, meow!
"Don't cat around or become guitar strings, use your nine lives wisely"
Dennis LaJeunesse

SNAIL MAIL
(Two snail mails made runners-up)
"We must resist Bob Barker and 'Price is Right.'"
"The time is right for a cat in the white house!"
"Hi, I'm Snowball and I'm a nipaholic!
"Hi Snowball!"
"Welcome to the "Clawing for respect" seminar."
Frank Freeman, Greensboro

"Welcome to the cat's meow, 2008!"
B.J. Kime, Whitsett

"And under your chair you all have a sleeping mouse."
"I promise you a fish in every pot!"
"Abolish all dogs."
Susanne Coatta, Greensboro

"Meow have your attention, please?"
Racheal Richardson, Brown Summit

"Hello, my name is kitty and I'm a nipaholic."
Susie Byrum, Greensboro

"I realize, fellow felines, that you sleep practically all the time, so listen up now!"
"Elect me and I promise you all the catnip you want."
Max Harless, High Point

Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com

Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.

LAST WEEK'S WINNER
So, whadda ya think of my selections? Agree? Disagree? Let me know what you think.
Leave a comment. Tell me your pick. Tell me why the ones I picked stink. Or, if you must, tell me how brilliant my choices are.

You never cease to amaze me. I handed you a tough one but somehow you managed to come up with some keepers.
As usual, there were a lot of similar gags with similar themes, in which case, first come, first served. Alas, Bob Mannary submitted probably the funniest ---- but not quite right for a family newspaper ---- response involving Babar the elephant and ... well, you can read it below.
Oh, and welcome to the e-mail ranks, Max.

BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE has to go to Catherine Duke for her history-lesson-in-a-caption: "thank you! Andrew Jackson for the 'asinine' reference!" (first use of a Donkey to symbolize the Democratic party.) Honorable mention to Gray Amick for his mention of the "Magic arrow" theory (think JFK conspiracy)
BEST "WE CAN'T PRINT THAT IN A FAMILY NEWSPAPER" AWARD: "You would think Babar would be able to find a better piece of ass than this..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro
BEST INSIDE JOKE Goes to Nancy Nelson and Gray Amick for mentioning the monster from the J.O.Y. from two weeks ago.

WINNER
"I had better call for back-up on this one."
Kay Preston

RUNNERS-UP
"I'd better be careful. Last time, I accidentally hit an intern."
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

"Heck, if this works, the Mideast will be a piece of cake."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

"I'm gonna need more arrows ..."
Doug Clayton, Mcleansville
One of the first and one of the better ones with this theme.

"You leave me no choice but to use this stimulus package."
Brent Wooten, Thomasville

"Got to make this work. I need my rebate check to pay for my HDTV."
James E. Ferrell, McLeansville

"You two will fall in love, get married and have a child named John McCain."
Chris Augustine, Greensboro

"If I pull THIS one off I'm asking for a raise..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

THE REST
1) you are going to need a harpoon to make this work !
2) yes ! he is my funny Valentine alright !
3) I may act like an "A**" but I am a donkey !
4) I hope that is a poisonous dart !
5) that isn't going to help ! he has already forgotten my birthday!
6) Yes I know the bench has a bow in it ! I am just waiting for the snap!
Catherine Duke

7) thank you! Andrew Jackson for the "asinine" reference!
8) why don't you get your ears pinned back yours are the ones that flap in the wind
9) they said stamp out the competition "not stampede" !
Catherine Duke

"Come on, you two. Race and gender are no longer pertinent issues."
Jacki Wilson, Greensboro

"My Arrows of Love are good, but they can't do miracles."
KEN LAYTON, CARTHAGE

"Cupid's last stand"
"Talk about wishful thinking"
Florence Barakat, Greensboro

"So if you HUG the elephant, then maybe he'll KISS ... you !
Dawn Hailey, Greensboro

I've seen both your candidates, whats there to love?
Robin Griswold, Burlington
No kidding.

Hey, if I can pair a Tar Heel and a Blue Devil, this'll be easy.
J. C. Winkler, Greensboro
Good idea, but I would have reversed them: "If I pull this off, next I'll try a Tar Heel and a Blue Devil"
but that's just me.

"Put some clothes on."
Justin Gargano

After all these years! There is no hope of getting these two together!
Stephanie Apple, Greensboro

"I'm afraid they might overdose"
"This has to be the last one or else they might overdose"
"They promised me an easy one this time"
"I've never seen tougher skin!"
"20 arrows and they're just sitting on a bench!"
"Psh. This is Cupid and I'm running out of ammunition. OVER"
"It's an #*% and a Donkey!"
"Why don't they just go to Match.com?"
"I can't believe I'm using my last arrow on these two"
"All the arrows can't be duds"
"They're politically blind so this won't work"
"Love is blind so this might work"
"Thank goodness I work out in the off-season"
-Park Groves Greensboro
Some good ones here, I like the "off-season" one. The "I'm Running out of ammo" is good, but I would have shortened it to just that,

"No health insurance? O.K,O.K,? I'll just nick you a little."
"Well, I guess you can see his personality profile."
"O.K, he said he'll drop a few pounds if you'll floss more."
"See what happens when attraction meets deep compati..Ahh just hold still."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

"I'm out of arrows and the voters still don't love either one of you."
"Looks like I'm going to need a bigger quill"
Brent Wooten, Thomasville
Nice ones

How hard can it be? I've already done Carville and Matalin.
"Love is in the air . . . . " (snicker)
Hope this arrow is sharp enough to pierce those hides.
Glad I found them sitting on a bench instead of a fence.
It's fun wearing these rose-colored contacts.
If a mule is the offspring of a donkey and a horse ...?
Wonder if their baby will bray or trumpet first.
Big assignment this time from Mama Venus.
What an initiation into the Eros Society.
Joan Lux, Greensboro

Uh-oh, last titanium arrow in my quiver.
Which practical joker gave me this assignment?
I earned my wings on Carville and Matalin.
Reading their body language, that donkey looks like a d-o-n-k-e-y.
Joan Lux, Greensboro
The Carville and Matlin refences are nice.

"I should've brought more arrows...."
Joey Preston
Nice, but someone beat you to it.

Go ahead,Give it your best shot!
toni quakenbush, OAK RIDGE

OH SURE ,LIKE THAT WILL REALLY WORK
Toni Quakenbush, oak ridge

"Is it Friday the 13th already?"
Justin Gargano, Jamestown

"When I shoot this arrow I'm either going to unite the democratic and replubican parties once and for all, or . . . create one heck of a really big ass."
P. Kostedt, Greensboro
Good one. I'm reluctant to use "ass" in the paper, though.

None of us realized you meant elegant!
Miriam Morrow, New Orleans
New Orleans? Really? Wow! Welcome!

1. No way!
2. They are too far apart.
3. It will never work.
4. I'll need more than one arrow.
5. Opposes do attract.
6. I think I'll pass these two up.
7. Don't be so stubborn!
8. These politicians needs a little love.
9. How sad!
10. She is too stubborn and he is too forgetful.(I chose to leave names out.)
11. Don't be a fraidy cat, it won't hurt you.
12. Love makes the world go round.
13. Is Love really Blind?
14. This isn't going to be easy.
15. My job really gets harder in an election year.
15. Don't blame me, Venus told me to do this!
16. They're sitting on a park bench, how hard could this be!
17. You're an ass!( I know you have to pass on this one, but it does fit.)
18. I don't believe that Elephants never forget?
19. The elephant already looks high.
20. Dude, why are you so MAD?
22. Love conquers all!
23. Looks like I may need to call for backup.
24. Sorry, they told me Godzilla was here.
25. Rats! ( Wonder who inspired this one)
26. I'll melt your cold cold heart.
27. Love doesn't have to hurt.
28. Love will keep you two together.
29. You'll soon be singing 'Hungary Eyes".
30. Everything I do, I do for you.
31. She already has "Hungary Eyes".
32. You do know "Love Hurts".
33. Where is The Love?
34. Make Love not War.
35. Love, It's Magic!
36. Love will keep you Alive.
37. I do wonder what your children will look like.
38. What the world needs now is love sweet love...
39. I think I'll need some love potion No. 9 on this arrowhead.
40. Love lasts Forever.
41. I think this arrow will just bounce off.
42. You're such a jackass. ( I cleaned it some)
43. Some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this.
44. I've got the cure for your "Achy Breaky Heart".
44. I'm drawing back my arrow and sending it to straight to your heart.
45. I'm hitting you with my very best shot.
Nancy Nelson

46. Your children will definitely be of mixed descent!
Nancy Nelson

"Boy! If this work, I can be president of the United States.
"I got to find a better rewarding job."
"This will add 10 years to my life if this works."
"To shoot or not to shoot!"
"This did not work 4 years ago at Valentine."
"I am glad this is not based on job-performance."
"This little arrow is not going to work."
"I will use my 2 weeks love portion".
James E. Ferrell, McLeansville

"Where are James Carville and Mary Matalin when you need them?"
Richard Poindexter, Greensboro

"I hate these American assignments!"
Steve Kindschi, Asheboro

Newton's third law of motion.
Tom Norman, Greensboro

We have to stop meeting like this!
Bess Epperly, Summerfield

"No, I can't promise you a rose garden."
Marsha Elam, Greensboro

I would like to submit the following captions:
"You can't be too picky, remember, your political clock is ticking."
"I don't know, I guess you'll have a joint slush fund."
"Let's just call it a little stimulus package."
"He said he'll still respect you after the primaries."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
Brent beat you to the "stimulus package" idea

"To get things off on the right foot, I'd suggest complete makeovers."
"Pass the (cough) healthcare reform..(cough) (cough) or so help me I'll shoot."
"Well maybe not love, but you'll have a real strong approval rating."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

"Look, I don't want to either...but Tim Rickard said I HAVE to."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro
And don't you forget it.

"I know what you're thinking. "Did he fire six shots or only five?"
"You have to ask yourself a question: Do I feel lucky?...Well? Do ya, punks?"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro
Nice channeling of Dirty Harry

Cupid ponders who has the toughest skin, while "Strangers in the Night" plays softly in the background.
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"I don't think I have enough arrows for this job!"
"I'd have better luck in the Middle East."
"Maybe if I slipped them some GHB instead."
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

"Trust me--he'll look good in November."
Marsha Elam, Greensboro

1) "I should have brought my crossbow!!"
2) "Great, one can not forget the other ones an ass!!"
3) "I can't seem to find a heart in either one."
4) "Maybe I shouldn't. Think of the damage they could do if they liked each other."
Joel Clark, Greensboro
Liked the last two.

1) "Will you guys ever kiss and make out?"
2)"This bellowing and braying has got to stop!"
Bill Beerman, Greensboro

"You're not a young donkey any more."
"You can't tell it by looking at him, but he's Independent."
"I think his nose is kind of cute."
"This was the best I could do."
"You're the one who said the other donkeys don't like you."
Marsha Elam, Greensboro

"Finally, Cupid was the last resort for Congress!"
Roddy Woodard, High Point

Whoa…I need backup on this one.
Jeez, neither of you are worth shooting.
This is a waste of a perfectly good arrow.
Celia Cook, High Point
oooohhhh. Kay Preston beat you to the "back-up" one. But you were obviously on the right track.

"Yeah...right...ok..."
"Somebody in dispatch thought this was funny..."
"I wonder who I ticked off to get THIS assignment?!?"
"Is this somebody's idea of a joke?"
"Forrest Gump was an easier assignment than this..."
"Oh...yeah...this'll be easy..."
"Think I'm gonna need a bigger bow..."
'OK...I've managed to get them to levitate...now if I can just get them fall in love..."
"At least all Moses had to do was part the Red Sea..."
"And I thought Ric Ocasek and Paulina Porizkova was a tough shot..."
"I've got a better chance at helping out William Hung then I do at getting THESE two together..."
"Yeah...this should work..."
"You would think Babar would be able to find a better piece of ass than this..."
"Who am I kidding..."
"Which one's Hillary?"
"I need a better agent..."
"There has GOT to be a better way to make a living..."
"Wait till Horton hears about THIS!"
"Wait till they find out the bench was just painted..."
"I can't wait to see the look on the bus drivers face..."
"This place is a ZOO!"
"Hey...DUMBO...hold your ass still for a minute..."
"They are gonna make some UGLY kids one day..."
"Does Shrek know about this?"
"First a dragon now an elephant? You are one strange Donkey..."
"That's It! When I get back I'm posting my resume on Monster.com"
"HA! Let's see eHarmony pull THIS one off!"
"Blind dates just NEVER work out like you hope but who am I to argue..."
"Well...I've put together stranger couples...so we'll see what happens"
"Geesh...16 arrows and still...nothin'..."
"Well...either he'll see the elephant first or that Yorkie over there better start running..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro
The "dispatch" one made my short list, as well as "bigger bow"

"I don't think the world is ready for a Donkaphant"
Barbara Cashman, Greensboro

"I don't think their offspring will be viable, but here goes."
"Gee, that must be a strong bench."
"I hope this match works out better than my UNC fan + Duke fan effort."
Amy LaJeunesse, Greensboro

Forgive and forget. Oh, sorry, one of you can't forget.
". . . like a big pizza pie, that's amore."
This could change my nickname from "straight shooter" to "broken arrow."
Oooouuuummmm, love conquers all.
Repeat after me, "Politics makes strange bedfellows."
Joan Lux, Greensboro

Political pundits worst nightmare.
Tom Norman, Greensboro

(Humming) Love is a Battlefield....
I'll need Zeus's Lightening Bolt for this one!
Christine Keaton, Randleman

Forgive and forget. Oh, sorry, one of you never forgets.
Joan Lux, Greensboro

"You'll thank me come November."
"They say politics make strange bed fellows."
"Wait until Limbaugh gets a load of this."
"Now this will spark some change!"
"Maybe I shouldn't...yeah, ofcourse I should."
"This'll either mean peace or the St. Valentines Day Massacre"
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

"This is just WRONG!"
Barbara Cashman, Greensboro

"This may take more than one arrow."
"I never needed an arrow to attract Bill to an elephant."
"This'll be the oddest couple since Felix and Oscar."
"This'll be the oddest couple since Julia Roberts and Lyle Lovett."
"This'll be the oddest couple since Michael Jackson and anybody!"
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

"What's it gonna be guys, left or right ventricle?"
"Move closer together so I can test the Single Arrow Theory."
"Sorry fellas but I'm endorsing Zeus."
"Don't worry, I've been transferred to Animal Control. Have either of you seen a group of rebellious cats or a giant green reptile in the area?"
Gray Amick, Greensboro
The "left or right ventricle" was clever.

Who would have thought.....
Maybe this one is going a bit too far....
This job sure has changed in the last hundred years...
Hmmm Donkey + Elephant = A Jackass with a long memory!
Christine Keaton, Randleman
Liked that last one a lot.

Cupid, tough hides! Better use an armour-piercing arrow
Cupid, use a tranquillizer arrow then ship them back to the Washington Zoo.
Cupid, please hear their pleas for change, then hit the who most deranged
Cupid, check your GPS. There is no possible match here.
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

"Please don't make us fall in love. He's such an ass."
"Fly away little guy, we're happy just like we are."
"You better shoot quickly, this bench is about to break."
Frank Beamon, Greensboro

1. "Trust me Bill, this is the best way to campaign for Hillary".
2. "If I don't do this, how else do you two expect to get along?"
3."What are you two mad at, look at what I have to wear."
4."Look Mr. Gulliani, you have on the suit, once I shoot you with this arrow you will never know you use to be a republican."
5."Look Bill, once I shoot you with this arrow, Hillary cries for you, then she gets the PETA votes".
Paula Hairston, Greensboro

"It'll never work."
Ken Cockerham, Greensboro

"Cupid finds his challenge as debate moderator to be different than he imagined."
"Cupid finds the use of force appealing as a debate moderator."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"Does the "Love Bus" stop here?"
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden

"The Impossible Dream."
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden

"Come here often??"
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden

"I don't care if it take's from Valentine's Day til November, I want you two to kiss and make up."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"Are you gonna make us sit here until November??"
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden

"Whaddya mean this bench was just painted?!?!?"
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden

"Which one of you is here for acupuncture?"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"Hi folks! Been here long??"
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden

"Cupid decides to help when this couple got turned down by eHarmony.com."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"Let's see Chris Wiles pull THIS one off!"
"At least I'm cuter than Chris Wiles!"
"Chris Wiles gets the cover of Go Triad and I'm stuck playing with Zoo Animals...geesh!"
"Huh...ANYBODY can do comedy but it takes REAL talent to make THESE wings look good!!"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

"Move closer together so I can test the Magic Arrow Theory."
Gray Amick, Greensboro

Why waste the arrow?
Cathy FitzGerald, Greensboro

1) "Maybe they can reach across the aisle and choke one another . "
2) "I know it's not my job to say so but this is a general election joke, but what do I know I'm just an armed, naked baby. "
Joel Clark, Greensboro

1- "Mary Matalin, meet James Carville."
2-"T(u)sk, t(u)sk, you silly politicos can say some asinine things."
Max Harless
Good reference to Ms Matlin and Mr. Carville, but you weren't the first.

"Put your head on my shoulder."
Cathy Harless

If I could just get the elephant to move a little to his left.
Cathy FitzGerald, Greensboro
Bah-dom, bing

"I'm Cupid's twin brother, Stupid."
"It worked for Carville and Matalin."
"Yes, she's a strange bedfellow, but beggars can't be choosers."
"I'm an eternal optimist!"
"Neil Clark Warren gave me the go-ahead!"
"Ebony and ivory live in perfect harmony."
"Sure, you had one hit movie, but you don't have movie-star good looks either!"
"Opposites attack!"Kris Voy, Trinity

"Dang! I've only got one shot at this!"
Barbara Cashman, Greensboro

Hmm... Offspring who are smart asses and never forget. Maybe not a good idea.
Cathy FitzGerald, Greensboro

SNAIL MAIL
"This could be my first career failure!"
"C'mon Donkey, she's cute and willing."
"Don't forget the pre-nup!"
"Lookin' for love in all the wrong places."
"The above photo is in the dictionary under'NO WAY!'"
"True love is more important than politics, right?"
Frank Freeman, Greensboro

1. "If this works, I'm starting a dating service."
2. "How the Republicrat party began."
3. "A shot in the ass oughta do it."
Bill Wallace, High Point
I liked number 1.

"This wiil end the debate, OK?"
Dorothy Coleman, Greensboro

Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com

Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.

LAST WEEK'S WINNER
So, whadda ya think of my selections? Agree? Disagree? Let me know what you think.
Leave a comment. Tell me your pick. Tell me why the ones I picked stink. Or, if you must, tell me how brilliant my choices are.

(Sorry this posting is late. I was swamped last week.)
This week's mussings: The worst part of doing this feature is how many good entries I have to throw out. Quite a few of you astute observers noticed the amount was the same as the price of a stamp. "Change" as a political buzzword was the most common response. I'm embarrassed to say a few entries had me Googling. And although it was too "inside the beltway," my favorite was this from Gray Amick: "Tim Rickard's street value for this week's effort." You're being generous.
Also, someone wrote me about the frequency of some of the winners. I'll run the questions and my answers here, in case anybody else was wondering the same thing:

Q Is Bob Mannary your brother or something?
His name is ALWAYS in the paper.

A Believe me, I'm not happy about it either. I know what this will do to this contest if the same people keep winning over and over. In fact, I tend to discriminate against frequent winners/runner-ups which is why I always have others here in the newsroom who aren't familiar with names help pick. They pick based on what they think are the funniest and "the regulars" often come out on top. I've even over-ruled some of the newsroom's picks in order to get some fresh names in. But it boils down to what we think is funniest, and if it is one of the regulars, then we have no choice but to pick it. I have considered a moratorium on frequent winners, but decided to keep the contest based on simply what we think is funniest each week, regardless of who sent it in or how often they've won.

Q He is really not that funny.

A Well, we obviously disagree. Humor is a matter of taste. And it's also a matter of presentation, and this is where the regulars have the advantage.
The subtlest nuances of wording can make the biggest difference in how well a gag works. And this is where the "regulars" excel. Even cartoons where a lot of similar captions are submitted it's usually the way they are worded (does it sound conversational?, is there an economy of words, effective phrasing, proper emphasis, etc) that gives them the edge. I know from one of the frequent winner/runner ups that he wanted to be a cartoonist at one time. This probably explains his knack for writing captions.
But I can say the quality of captions overall has greatly improved over the last year. I used to have trouble finding decent captions to fill up the three runners-up spots. Now, the runners up spots include about seven captions and I still have to painfully exclude at least a half-dozen worthy contenders each week.

Q (H)e obviously doesn't have a real job.
A Based on the number of entries he submits each week I've wondered the same thing.
So there you have it. Like anything, some people will have more of a knack for writing captions than others. We do have some ringers entering every week, but think how good it will feel when you beat them. And they do get beat more often than they win.

And one last thing: If someone wins, or gets runner-up with a caption that was very similar to yours, you can bet that theirs got to me first.

BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCES:
"All he said was, "I'm gonna get you Abe!!!" then snickered like a madman and hung up the phone. Caller ID said Jim Kolbe..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro
(This one sent me to Google. Kolbe is the representative who introduced legislation to get rid of the penny.)
"And this scar here is from ' 64 when they took out my silver."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

BEST INSIDE JOKE
The above mentioned Gray Amick caption was the clear winner here.

WINNER
"You just HAD to look the other way on picture day didn't ya Abe???"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

RUNNERS-UP
Guys, there goes one cheap tipper!
C. L. Sumpter, High Point

"Shouldn't you be at the bottom of a well somewhere?"
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

"Nice tan, Abe."
Brent Wooten, Thomasville

The game is penny-anti. Abe, you in?
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

My wife says I spend too much time in the couch....
Christine Keaton, Randleman

Whew -- who spent too much time with a perfumed dryer sheet?
Joan Lux, Greensboro

"Why does Obama keep talking about us?"
Joel Clark, Greensboro

"I'll only admit to being the root of one-fourth of all evil."
Kris Voy, Trinity

THE REST
It's time for change!
Joe Markley

"Logo for not-so-famous rap star, Forty One Cent"
Linda East, Greensboro
I liked this one. A contender.

"Now that we're all here, this does makes cents"!
Doug Clayton, Mcleansville

A sad day, Penny, when you aren't picked up on a street corner.
Just last week I avoided getting rolled.
For want of a needle and thread, we've been set free.
They're not going to nickel and dime us to death, except maybe you, Penny.
If you jingle louder you'll spend less time in the washing machine.
Nowadays we're spent mostly on wretched sales taxes.
We're moving -- the old man got a new change purse.
Joan Lux, Greensboro

"Okay, boys, if we pull together, we can buy a "forever" stamp."
KEN LAYTON, CARTHAGE

Watch out, here comes that old penny-pincher.
Joan Lux Greensboro

"In May we'll have to have another Lincoln join us to buy a stamp."
Glenda Layton, Carthage

Can you make "cents" of this?
Ken Layton, Carthage

1. Correct change here !
2. Real change !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

"A penny for your thoughts...oh, wait."
"It's time for change."
"Quit trying to nickel-and-dime me."
"A penny more and we'd have the answer to life."
Eric Thies, Harrisonburg

1. No small change here !
2. Postage due.
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

1. We need more change.
2. Do we have enough to buy Tim a doughnut?
3. The new quarters are being collected, while I get tossed in the can.
4. Change is good!
5. How many of you just end up in a jar or the bottom of someones purse?
6. We aren't even worth fifty cents.
7. Abe, where you been hiding these past 99 years.
8. Lets ban together and let them know how powerful we are.
9. It doesn't make CENTS that they don't use us more.
10. It they'd use us more, their dollars would last longer.
11. A penny saved is a penny earned, but only if they take us to the bank.
12. Cha-ching. 13. I wonder where they'll put us today.
14. Politicians always need more change.
Nancy Nelson, Greensboro

"United, we can still buy one first-class stamp"
Thurmond Williams, Greensboro

Heads up for cents with common sense !
Frank C. Leonard, Jr., Lexington

"Yeah...Yeah...Yeah...Take A Penny Leave A Penny...So What?!?!?"
"No Abe, how many legs WOULD a dog have if you called its tail a leg?"
"'Four Bucks And Seven Cents Ago ' is just not the same..."
"Four Bucks And Seven Cents Ago...ha, ha...since 1909 it's been the SAME lame jokes..."
"Keep it up Abe and your gonna find yourself sitting on the train tracks!"
"You might be bigger in the Paper World but right here I'M in charge!"
"Well you really CAN'T give us your two cents now CAN you?!?!?"
"Your two cents huh? Don't make me laugh..."
"In case you haven't heard they're trying to phase you out buddy..."
"Why don't you just look the other way Abe?"
"All he said was, "I'm gonna get you Abe!!!" then snickered like a madman and hung up the phone. Caller ID said Jim Kolbe..."
"Oh quit whining...you're not being picked on..."
"See A Penny Pick It Up...blah blah blah...your SO full of yourself..."
"Yeah...A Penny Saved IS A Penny Earned...but what can you buy with a Penny?"
"Well Abe...we all think it's time for a liitle change around here..."
"We want to go that way Dang It!"
"No we do NOT feel compelled to free the enslaved coins from the Coinstar machine..."
"If I had a penny for every time I heard THAT one..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

YOU GUYS JUST AREN'T WORTH MUCH ANY MORE - YOU DON'T HAVE ENOUGH GOOD CENTS.......
Wil Courter, Greensboro

1) "Maybe I didn't get shot but I did spend the last two weeks in a dog's stomach."
2) "That fancy paper money is just a fad."
3) "Four of history's greatest leaders and we end up lost in a couch."
4) "Lincoln's so ugly that I can't tell if he's on heads or tails . "
5) "Why is it a penny for your thoughts but you have to put in your two cents worth, someone is making a penny. "
Joel Clark, Greensboro
Numbers one and three were also contenders. Five was good but sounds familiar...

Now I only need $2.59 more to get a gallon of gas.
Regina Scott, Greensboro

"Finally, all of those nasty greenbacks will go back for taxes. Now people just want change."
Buth Tysinger, Thomasville

"Look at me. I'm the father of the country and people use me to buy gumballs!"
"I remember back in the good ol' days when I was actually worth 25 cents!"
"Just look at us. FDR was paralyzed, Abe was shot, Tommy Boy here knocked up a slave, and me, the 'Father of the Country', couldn't even knock ol' Martha up!"
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden
I liked the first one.

OK, which one of you 2 dropped the dime on me?
Darrell Kimrey, Greensboro
Nice one. A contender

"Susan B. Anthony would roll over in her piggy bank if she knew the value of today's dollar!"
"At least people pick ME up off the sidewalk!"
"Y'all expect me to know everything, but I'm not Almighty Dollar!"
"When I heard that BEEP, I knew an old geezer on the beach had just sprung me from a worthless life!"
Kris Voy, Trinity
the second one was also a contender

"Change you can believe in !!!"
Joel Clark, Greensboro

Looks like another Lincoln is moving into the neighborhood; the price of stamp is on the move again!!
Shirley Wyzga-Johnson, Greensboro

"Okay guys, repeat after me. The word is 'CHANGE'!
Chris Myott, Eden

"BEEP BEEP! And then, boys and girls, I knew an old geezer had found me at last!"
"What's your final destiny: gas station or grocery store?"
"Kids, I remember when recession used to mean gum disease."
"Such pressure... Congress expects US to turn the economy around!"
"All our kinfolk now live in the gas station or grocery store."
"If I were a supermodel, I wouldn't want to be paid with me either!"
Kris Voy, Trinity
I liked where the first one was going. Maybe a change in wording ...

"Anyone give a flip?"
Susan Rikert, Greensboro

Among the four of us we have enough change to buy ONE stamp.
John Collie, Reidsville

I'm the GREATEST!!!!
Nancy Collie, Reidsville

"We're change you can believe in"
"Watch out, I see a copperhead"
Craven Peay, Summerfield
I liked the copperhead one.

Three more bucks and I can buy a gallon of gas.
Don Rankin, Greensboro

This is it, my rebate check after eating out.
Don Rankin
Nice

WEW!! We need some laundering....
Mount who?
So this is what history says we are worth...
Mr. Lincoln it appears you really did lose the war...
Who just got minted?
I deserve better than someones smelly pockets!
Sad we are now just spare change....
Some change for your thoughts guys...
Christine Keaton, Randleman

These days, everybody wants CHANGE. Come on, guys, "Let's Roll."
Karen Griffin, Thomasville

"I propose we buy a stamp while we still can."
"Abe, it takes two of you to offer an opinion."
"Where is JFK?"
Brent Wooten, Thomasville
The one about abe and his opinion was a contender.

"...and never forget...I AM the candidate who stands for change."?
Cindy Reginaldi, Greensboro

"We're in luck! All the candidates want change.
J. R. Fleagle, Greensboro
nice

"Abe, I don't know what you're using but your tan looks so fake."
"Of course I want to date again but I've been out of circulation."
"Where's the carpenter's glue, my dentures are shwipping."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
The first two made the short list.

"You guys are Obama delegates? I told him you were change he could believe in."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

"Abe, I think you're confusing harassment with good old fashioned penny pinching."
"Yes, boys at first we were a whole dollar but remember, taxes have to be paid."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

I didnt ask for your two cents Lincoln! your not worth it!!
I wonder if we'll ever be worth a Pine Tree Schilling ...
christine Keaton, Randleman

I heard we will all get some billing ...
Christine Keaton, Randleman

Just because it's your birthday doesn't mean you get to raise taxes.
Abe, you represent Guilford County's share of every lottery dollar.
Sharon Shepard, Jamestown
Sharon adds: "Maybe the second one isn't so funny, but too true!"
hee hee.

Opening the bidding at 25, do I hear 30? 30! now 35! 40! 40 40 going...41!
Barbara Cashman, Greensboro

"You had to be different"
"Does anyone have change for a penny, oh wait"
"That side is better than looking at your mole"
"Pwned n00b, your only worth a cent! LoL"
".and did you establish a new nation? No"
"That's your good side?"
"BULLY CIRCLE!!!"
"You don't even get your birthday off"
"They don't have give a quarter take a quarter"
-Park Groves Greensboro
Park, your first one was very good, but I think it needed to be just a wee bit more specific to Abe.
the "Bully Circle" one intrigued me. If it means what it sounds like, it could have been a contender. But, alas, I'm not familiar with the term and a Google search didn't really help me out.

"Whew, I don't know about you guys but I'm spent."
"I regret I only have twenty five cents to give to my national debt."
"Look, up in the bell tower. The Euros are coming. The Euros are coming."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

"My gosh. I never knew George Hamilton was on the penny."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
Nice one, Joel, but maybe just a wee bit obscure. I liked the bluntness of Brent's in the runner-ups.

"And this scar here is from ' 64 when they took out my silver."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
Nice.

"Shot in the head and all you get is a penny, huh?"
"I saw 'Our American Cousin', be glad you were shot."
"Give me your two cents. Oh yeah, you can't even do that."
"We make perfect cents."
"So they don't mean us when they discuss change?"
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro
Some nice ones here.

"I don't care if you are a "Wheatie", your're going across these railroad tracks first".
Ray Faust, Greenboro

15. Children used to get excited when they saw us, now they frown.
16. Toothfairies don't even use us anymore.
17. Coins R Us.
18. Maybe we will be thrown in that fountain and bring someone some luck.
19. You can count on us.
20. We can be recycled for years to come.
21. Presidents on coins, what a bright idea?
22. It's a honor to be here today.
23. Money talks.
24. Our goverment needs CHANGE.
25. Since all of us old coins are together someone needs to place us in a collectors book.
26. We have all been replaced by newer models maybe now we can retire.
27. It's time for Change!
28. I don't like being put in a mans linty pocket.
29. The time has come for Change.
30. Ban together and we can end poverty.
31. Do they have an old folks home for coins.
3. I hope they don't send us to the bank.
Nancy Nelson
liked number 16.

1. "Let's coin a new phrase."
2. "I would never leave you laying on the ground Abe."
3. "This is jar prison."
4. "Why do I keep thinking of "The Brady Bunch"?
5. "Here we are feeling rather tense, hoping to make a dollar out of forty-one cents."
Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro

"George's weekly pay."
George Cornett, Greensboro
Hee hee. Mine too.

Hey has anyone seen Kennedy?
Randy Payne, Greensboro

1."So what you were on Ebay, You're still not worth a penny.
2."See, I told you we were facing in the right direction, now you are the one not worth one red cent."
3."Look Abe, even if they made you out of silver, you still would not be worth a dime."
4."So what you have a memorial, you are still not worth anything."
5."All I know is Bush signed some stimulis package and here we are."
Paula Hairston, Greensboro

Guys! We must support Obama! He's for change! We ARE change!
G. A. Rilling Madison

We still need three dollars for a cup of coffee.
Well, off to the coin jar for us.
"Whatever happened to Susan B Anthony?"
Jon Barsanti, Greensboro
I liked number three

1) "Even with two Democrats and a Republican still in this race, none of you even put together will ever be as great as me."
2) "The country needs change!"
3) "This is why I never joined a political party -- each of you cares more about winning than the good of the country"
4) "You realize that I'm the only thing that still buys something around here."
5) "It wasn't that many President's Days ago that the four of us together could buy a cup of coffee."
6) "From agents of change to change itself, such is the legacy of a great President."
7) "Hey Rickard, why did you only feature dead white guy coins?"
8) "All Presidents are elected equal but some are more equal than others."
9) "Hey guys, sorry to break this to you but Nixon will be joining us in 2016." (a reference to the Nixon dollar coin).
10) "I think we should protest. We each only get one dollar coin to be on, but Grover Cleveland gets TWO."
Zagros Madjd-Sadjadi, High Point
Some history lessons imbeded in here: Washington was the only president representd who didn't belong to a party, The omission of Sacagawea or the Susan B. Anthony dollar coins, and coming soon, all presidents will get their own dollar coins.

"I would never date loose change!"
Kris Voy, Trinity

This cartoon make little cents!
Cheer up Abe, copper futures are through the roof!
On three we flip and moon them
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro
I liked the last one too.

Come on, Jefferson! Keep your head up like Lincoln and Roosevelt!
Dwight Hicks, Greensboro

"Okay guys this is a bust.....just kidding"
scott smith, mcleansville

"Here we go with the CHANGE again!"
"Change, change, change! That's all we hear!"
"Change! That's all we Talking Heads talk about!"
"The financial meeting of the talking heads is now in session."
"Looks like none of you are paying attention except Abe"
Barbara Cashman, Greensboro

"Heads up, guys!"
Barbara Cashman, Greensboro

I see Susan B. Anthony isn't here.
So who bet on heads?
I know we ALL wish we could be State quarters.
I was raised in Las Vegas.
Joan Lux, Greensboro
You were on a roll this week Joan. I liked number two a lot also.

1. "We're under the pillow because even the Tooth Fairy is cutting back."
2 "Hey guys, what happened to the penny postcard?"
3. "We used to be able to buy a gallon of gas in 1975."
4. "Soon we will be adding another member to the family for a stamp."
5. "Hey nickel, how come you're fatter but worth less than the dime?"
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden

What do you mean dead men don't talk?
Money talks bull **** walks.
See guys! Dead President's can talk !
Christine Keaton, Randleman

This doesn't make much cents.
How much "cents" does this make?
Joey Preston, Greensboro

"You guys aren't making much cents."
Valla, Philip E

"Hey Abe, how does it feel freeing the slaves and then finding out that the brown coin is worth the least?"
"Why do old men keep asking young boys to reach in their pockets to grab us?"
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden
Hee hee.

" ... and none of you are John Kennedy."
"Can you picture Clinton, Obama, or McCain here some day?"
"At least I can still buy something."
Jon Barsanti, Greensboro
Number 3 is good

1. Looks like our jobs are safe for a few more years.
2. These candidates wouldn't know change if it bit them in the pocket.
Bill White, Greensboro

Tom, just because Yogi Berra said, "A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore," that's no fault of yours.
Dwight Hicks, Greensboro

"Look guys, what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"How do they expect us to make a little change without any female coins?"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"It's time we made a little change around here!"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"Look Franklin, just because the rest of us made it onto Mount Rushmore, don't feel bad. At least your cousin made it!!"
"Franklin, why can't you just be happy for the rest of us up on Mt.Rushmore?"
"Mt.Rushmore, blah, blah, blah. Franklin, most people don't even know you're not THAT Roosevelt."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"We sure don't add up to much."
"We sure aren't worth as much as we used to be."
Ken Cockerham, Greensboro

"I swear, they're taking us to a Numismatists' meeting!!!"
"We're either going to a numismatists or a philatelists convention...I know which sounds like more fun!!"CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"You guys are not going to believe this, but we're ALL made of copper."
"Remember the good ole days when we were made of Real metal??"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"...THen there was the time I found myself in a pig's belly. I rallied the gang until we made a break away from the bank."
"You're not going to believe this, but once I broke OUT of a bank!....so what if it was shaped like a piggy?!"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"Hey guys, what's the going price from the Tooth Fairy these days?"
Jean Brockman & CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"Heads!! It's got to mean something!!"
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden

"My God!" We are only worth forty one cents.
"OOPS!" Looks like one of us didn't make it to Mount Rushmore.
Charles Miller, Greensboro

"I ask you, where would the panhandling industry be without us?"
Joel Clark, Greensboro

"Look Franklin, most people don't even know that you're NOT the same Roosevelt up there on Mt.Rushmore with us!!"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

I'm worth more than all of you put together.
Everybody liked you Abe, until you tattooed your monument on your rear.
Face it Abe, even the vending machines don't want anything to do with you.
C. L. Sumpter, High Point
Number two was good also.

Mt. Rushmore after getting hit by satellite debris.
Keep your change Hillary.
We don't need any Hillary change.
This JOY cartoon doesn't make much cents.
Gray Amick, Greensboro

" What are the odds of the four of us meeting here again after being together in Billy's Piggy Bank???"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"Currency profiling" vending machine style.
Tim Rickard's street value for this week's effort.
Gray Amick, Greensboro

SNAIL MAIL
"If we all got our heads together, we could make a mint.
Hy Rodman, Greensboro

"A stamp? ... One stamp?
Bill Wallace, High Point

"Well guys, I never thought I had to say this ..."
Doris Brown, Ruffin

"Just be glad that vending machines are behind you."
"Habe you noticed the importance of 'change' lately?"
"Parking meter duty is the pits."
"Some heritage, We can't buy a postage stamp!"
Frank Freeman, Greensboro

"Hey fellas, as long as we've been minted, you think that DNA can still tell on us?"
Claudine Adams, Greensboro

"Okay, fellas, let's not get a big head."
Anita Fox, Reidsville

"Sorry you guys aren't worth much anymore."
David Coatta, Greensboro

"What is McCain doing on the dime."
Susanne Coatta, Greensboro
Ha!

Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com

Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.

LAST WEEK'S WINNER
So, whadda ya think of my selections? Agree? Disagree? Let me know what you think.
Leave a comment. Tell me your pick. Tell me why the ones I picked stink. Or, if you must, tell me how brilliant my choices are.

Look, down in the caption! It's a blurb! It's a pun! it's ... well, not one of our better efforts. After seeing how you made lemonade out of the last two lemons I handed you, I thought you guys could leap this drawing in a single bound, but instead it acted as kryptonite to your comedic-senses. It's not that they were bad, just fewer stood-out from the crowd.
Here are some that managed to take this mild-mannered effort from me up, up and away into a decent cartoon.

WINNER
"Guess what Sis. Beer is the new kryptonite."
Jim Honeycutt, Lexington

RUNNERS-UP
"He only gets up to use the john, oh sorry, The Fortress of Solitude."
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

"This morning I made a Smallville joke in the bathroom, now he's not talking to me."
Joel Clark, Greensboro

"No, there's no news on the superhero strike. You'll have to stop your own speeding bullet."
Reta Beck, Greensboro

He's been like this ever since Homeland Security put him on the no-fly list.
Barbara Cashman, Greensboro

"Jimmy's telling Congress that he injected him twice in '92."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

"More like Super-Sit-In-The-Recliner-All-Day-Man!"
Shera W. Bilisoly

THE REST
"The only place he is faster than a speeding bullet these days is the bedroom!"
Joel Clark, Greensboro

"Everybody thinks so, but me."
Glenda Layton, Carthage

"At home he's just another couch potato."
KEN LAYTON, CARTHAGE

"All day he's stopping robberies, saving run-away trains, rescueing pretty blondes, but can I get him to take out the garbage? No way!"
KEN LAYTON, CARTHAGE

"Since we got high definition, he never leaves the house."
Randy Case, Madison

Hi, my name is Lois. Is this Superheroes Anonymous?
Janet Gorham

Which is the stronger sex?
James O. Durham, Greensboro

"I just got our last one out of diapers and now this!"
"The Viagra label never mentioned this!"
"Did our marriage vows say anything about sanity and insanity?"
"Did our marriage vows include 'in right mind' or 'in total delusion'?"
"He just keeps saying, 'More Kryptonite, please.' "
"He wants to start a Victoria's Secret men's catalog."
"If he calls me Lois one more time..."
"I'm just not feeling this week's theme!"
"He ought not to be messing with a woman in the throes of PMS!"
His boss told him it would take heroic measures to save his job!"
Kris Voy, Trinity

1) "Turns out a wedding band acts like kryptonite to him."
2) "Mom said I should have married Batman. At least he has his own car."
3) "Superhero is just another way of saying unemployed."
4) "I wish he had the ability to wash the dishes."
5) "The way he drinks, his liver must have the strength of ten men."
6) "I love him to death, but I can't stand his Superfriends."
7) "He's been wearing that costume so long that it has it's own superpowers."
8) " Lex !!! I told you to never call me here!"
9) "Funny how there is never an emergency during Monday Night Football."
10) "If he leaves the seat up one more time, he's getting kryptonite in his coffee."
11) "Clark never answers his phone anymore."
12) "Since the wedding he been the man of STILL!"
13) "If he doesn't start helping out around here, he can take a flying leap in a single bound."
14) "He can see through walls, but he can't see that pile of laundry that needs to be done."
15) "He's bullet proof, but make one joke about his tights and cape!!"
Joel Clark, Greensboro

"These days, even the Hall of Justice is outsourcing."
"His severence package is pretty good though."
Lisa Smith, Pleasant Garden

Did You Know Superman Drinks Energy Drinks?
Herman Hunter Sr, High Point

It wasn't just the honeymoon that was faster than a speeding bullet.....
Christine Keaton, Randleman

Hello Jimmy....Do you have any kryptonite handy?
It's Lois...married life is dull. Can you send Lex to spice it up?
His "S" stands for "Standard" issue in husbands.
Christine Keaton, Randleman

I thought this Superman fetish wouldn't enter the bedroom....
and most therapists laugh at "You Tarzan me Jane"....
Superman is busy right now ...
Christine Keaton, Randleman

Normally I wouldn't worry, but he keeps going out to check the wind speed.
Mom, do you have any clear nail polish? He has another run.
Cyril keeps trying to live up to his childhood nickname.
I didn't take it seriously until he started calling me "Lois."
Yes, Mother, he'll take out the trash after he changes into his khakis.
Doctor, tonight he started looking not so super.
I don't know how he'll get lift-off with the tush he's developing.
Joan Lux, Greensboro

Stop a speeding bullet, huh. I had to pop the top.
It's those elf-like shoes that I find suspect.
Super, schmooper, he's a party pooper!
Joan Lux, Greensboro

"No, I'm not interested in a home security system."
"Saves the world, hmph! I can't even get him to take out the trash."
"He's really let this Superdelegate thing go to his head."
"You'll have to call back after Super Friends is over."
"It's been four months since Halloween and he's still wearing the suit."
Brent Wooten, Thomasville

HE'S BEEN OUT OF WORK EVER SINCE DR. PHIL SHOWED EVERYONE HOW TO SAVE THEMSELVES.
w courter

No special plans, just another fantasy weekend at home.
No, Mom, the "S" stands for "supercalifragilisticexpialidocious."
Joan Lux, Greensboro

"Ever since he got laid off at the Daily Planet, he just sits around watching Oprah all day!"
Bill Brown, Greensboro

He said, "Tax season only makes jumpers and he can't save them all !"
He said," he isn't moving "Dancing With the Stars " is on and he wanted
to see who was wearing capes this year !"
Well "American Idol" just came on and he trying to calculate how many he
will have to give and reality check to!
Catherine Duke, Kernersville

No moisture causes chaffing and drag on his cape!
Mom he said, "even if you were the last women on earth he wasn't going there!"
Catherine Duke

ALERT THE PRESSES! Man of Steel Becomes a Couch Potato..
Jennifer Brown-Whiteside, Randleman

He's waiting for the writer's strike to be over. He's tired of watching re-runs of himself.
Tom Luibrand

Hello, do you have any furniture that's more powerful than a locomotive?
Can you remove Kryptonite stains from upholstery?
I think you would agree Tony Soprano is no comparison, Dr. Melfi.
J. C. Winkler, Greensboro

I've already hidden the "Walter Mitty" book AND the DVD.
If only his mother hadn't named him "Casper M. Toast."
Joan Lux, Greensboro

"Sorry Peter, Clark is being a Super-Couch potato"
"Sorry Mr Jamison, Clark has that Superflu bug."
"The Patriots loss has left Clark feeling vulnerable."
Jon Barsanti, Greensboro

1. He did what?
2. Super what?!
3. I was awake all night with his constantly coming in and out.
4. FLY, I can't get him out of his chair.
5. Looks like we're going to be late again.
6. He can't talk now. 7. He hasn't changed his clothes in days.
8. I'm going to CHANGE That S to a D for DUD. 9. His job is destroying our relationship.
10. He may be Superman but I'm not Wonder Woman. 12. Someone has to work around here.
13. The S stands for Stupid not Super.
14. He needs to borrow Cliff's helmet.
15. I really could use Cliff's Stupidity Depreviation helmet.
16. I can't sleep with him going in and out all night.
Nancy Nelson

"Well yesterday, it took him two bounds to jump over the tallest building."
"He's lost his glasses so now, of course, his cover's blown."
"He's just sitting here, staring through the wall."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
Liked number two a lot

"Old Mr. Perkins in 4E fell today and well, he called LifeAlert."
"Not now Jimmy, it took me all afternoon to get him mild mannered again."
"Yes the waiter lost his eye but Clark couldn't just let Jimmy choke."
"The cartoonist at The Daily Planet beat Clark for employee of the month."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

"All that agony and pain and anguish. Tomorrow, he's quitting that paper."
"According to the candidates, now everyone will have access to him."
"Yes they got the t.v, too, so now he's watching the neighbor's set."
"Oh yes, he's always been a big Red Sox fan."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

Just my luck, TV is the source of his superpowers.
Yesterday he's a super-delegate. Today he's saving the world.
Nancy Stevens, Jamestown

"Marge, I think my husband is taking this 'Super Delegate' thing too far."
Ken Cockerham, Greensboro

He's more like "Stupor Man" today.
Joey Preston, Greensboro

"Yeah, Sal, He's not super at that either."
James R. Pitcher, Greensboro

17. He's sitting here trying to figure out what to name Fox's Gopher Cam.
18. No he hasn't rescued those businessmen on that deserted island yet.
19. If I can get his attention, I will send him to help with Godzilla.
20. No he doesn't shoot arrows into politicians.
21. He's allergic to cats so he won't be at their meeting.
22. The S stands for SLOB not STUD.
23. The stork dropped the babies, I'll sent him right away.
24. The S stands for Snake in the Grass.
25. He trying use his super powers to help his favorite team win.
Nancy Nelson

Sorry, Batman, he's worn out from saving the planet today. You and Robin will have to handle Gotham City.
Bill Briggs, Greensboro

Honestly! Superman and Joe were comparing tights to nylons!!
Supermans......chaffed with my new detergent....
Alert the Presses! Man of Steel becomes Man of Sqeal at the foul line!
Headline! Superman fumbles home Touch Down!
Martha, did you line dry Supermans tights?
Christine Keaton, Randleman

You should see my "man of steel" now.
Every time Bob starts drinking, he puts on that stupid superman outfit.
Halloweens been over for a month now and I still can't get him out of that stupid outfit.
I thought I was marrying a reporter, not a drunk who claims he's superman.
The only difference between your husband and mine is that mine has a cape and thinks he's superman.
My "man of steel" is drinking Pepto Bismo and complaining of a sore back.
Mom, it's the same old thing every day. First he saves the world and then he starts drinking.
If he keeps up this drinking, he won't be able to jump a sidewalk, much less leap tall buildings.
Jimmy, this is Lois. He's started drinking again and you know what that means. He'll be out racing speeding bullets before nightfall.
He's either saving the world or drinking and I can't even get him to take out the trash.
He's already saved millions of people, on his 3RD gin & tonic, and it's not even noon yet.
Mom, I've had it. He's either out saving the world or watching his precious soap operas.
You should see him now. He's stretched out in the recliner, drinking a cold one and using that x ray vision of his to watch that new girl next door take a bath.
Every time Bob starts drinking, he puts on that stupid superman outfit and pretends he's just saved the world.
Mitch Poole, Nashville, Tn.

Ha, right now he couldn't slow a Lionel.
He's so tight, he couldn't leap a sidewalk.
He's so smashed, he couldn't jump a rope.
It looks like another FWI citation night.
He already has 2 FWI tickets this month.
I don't know who he is. He just flew in the window and said he needed a drink.
Mitch, Nashville, TN.

I don't care WHO'S trying to take over the world. He's not leaving this house until he finishes the laundry!!!!!!!
Roy Lawrence

I'm sorry but in his condition we can't risk him getting another F. W. I.
Donna Lawrence, High Point

Super-man, "Yea Right" Super-lazy
Donna Lawrence, High Point

"I think Jim's taking this 'superdelegate' concept a little too far."
"Superman, he may be, but Superspoiled, he definitely is."
"You would think a man who can lift a car with one hand could lift a finger to do the dishes."
"Ever since he found out that you have to be a Democrat to be a Superdelegate, he's been like this."
"He told me that since he's Superman, he expects me to be Wonder Woman."
"Hello, Wives of Cosplay Addicts Anonymous?"
"Fred is so lazy he still won't change out of his Halloween costume -- and it is February."
Zagros Madjd-Sadjadi, High Point

1.. Hello , Justice League pyscho ward ?
2...Hello, Lazy Boy !
3... My "Honey Dew" list is never long enough ......
4.. Hello, Jonathan? Where is that heavy duty cattle prod?
Christine A Keaton, Randleman

"His job was outsourced to Super Hombre."
"He was caught using his x-ray vision at a daycare."
"He's still upset I found out on our wedding night that he really is faster than a speeding bullet."
"Last year he was Wonder Woman."
"He was born with the gift of flight, but I still have to fetch his beer for him."
"I wouldn't be upset but it's January."
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

25. He's trying to use his super powers to help his favorite team win.
26. When he gets up, I'll check for change.
Nancy Nelson

He was grounded for being in a "No Fly Zone".
My "Honey Do" list is never quite long enough...
Hello, Lazy Boy Company?
Hello, Justice League Psycho Ward?
He is pouting because the series is called "Smallville".
Christine Keaton, Randleman
Liked the "Smallville" reference, but here was one time a little more context would help.

27. His favorite cartoon, that would Mighty Mouse.
28. He's watching the SUPER bowl game.
29. He's wearing that S because he's watching the SUPER bowl game.
30. Watch what you say he can HEAR you?
Nancy Nelson

"Dr. Phil...It's Hillary...I think we DO need to schedule an appointment..."
"Dr. Swenson...Hillary Clinton...Have you got a minute?"
"He such a smarty pants...all I asked him to do for once was take out the trash without being asked..."
"Trust me Brenda...it's JUST a suit..."
"What's Tim wearing?? Green Lantern huh? Well that explains a lot..."
"I guess tonight I'm Louis Lane again...hope he doesn't hit his head on the ceiling fan this time..."
"I just hope he doesn't hit his head on the ceiling fan again..."
"He gives 'Faster Than A Speeding Bullet' a whole new meaning I'll tell you that much..."
"All he'll say is 'Yeah, Yeah, I'm Hip!, I'm Hip!"
"No Betty, every time the phone rings he runs out the door yelling Bee-hee-hee-HAWW-HAWW!"
"Ever since he found out about the Seinfeld thing he refuses to take the suit off..."
"Yes Brenda...I've already heard the one about Wonder Woman and the Invisible Man..."
"Sorry Steve, he can't come to the phone right now...he's in his 'Fortress Of Solitude'"
"He can leap tall buildings in a single bound but he can't manage to get his OWN drink from the kitchen..."
"He can leap tall buildings in a single bound but he can't manage to put the seat back down..."
"Yeah...tell me again WHY I should believe this is Batman calling?"
"Well this doesn't SOUND like Aquaman?"
"I'm sorry, Clark isn't in right now...can I take a message?"
"Clark Kent? No, I'm sorry...there's nobody here by that name..."
"Mrs. Kent? In Toledo? 2 kids? Traveling Salesman, huh? Well can you describe him?"
"I don't know...he says he found it on eBay..."
"He just hasn't been the same since Krypto ran away..."
"After last night I'm not exactly sure HOW he got the nickname 'Man Of Steel'"
"I don't know but if he keeps up the attitude I'm going to put Kryptonite in his underwear drawer..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

1. "He's been a funk since he saw Lebron James on tv the other night."
2."Since they brought out the 9mm automatic,and he is no longer faster than a speeding bullet,he just sits there."
Paula Hairston, Greensboro

OK,
It's been awhile....
"Yea Mom, I know...NOBODY'S good enough for me."
"He rescued me from a runaway train last week and hasn't made a move since!"
"I'm telling you Molly, Christopher Reeves had more moves than this guy...."
I'll probably go to hell for the last one.
Ric Hase
Welcome back, past winner Ric! And don't worry, others had even worse Christopher Reeves gags (see Bob Beitzel, below)

"His idea of fighting crime is making me call Crimestoppers for him."
"Mr. Man of Steel here just sits around and watches Gilmore Girls, weeping uncontrollably."
"He fights crime and battles the forces of evil, but I can't get him to take out the trash."
"Last night I kept trying to tell him that being faster than a speeding bullet doesn't make him any less of a superhero."
"He was caught using his x-ray vision near a nursing home."
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

31. He creeps me out when he stares at me with those x-ray eyes.
32. Brewster, calm down Superman will not let Pal kill ALL the humans. (Just having a little fun)
33. I don't know why he's holding that can, he doesn't have a mouth.
34. Superman is not SUPERfluous.
Nancy Nelson

Here's a few for anyone who took the time to inquire about my family tree, my comedic skills, and my employment status..."He finally got his third win and I think it's gone to his head..."
"Hey Tim...Yeah...he's here. I'm sure he'll have time to write you a funny caption for your contest..."
"Well...when he's not saving the world from some diabolical madman, he's writing silly one-liners for some local cartoon contest!"
"Ever since Bob got his name in the paper he just hasn't been the same..."
"News & Record this is Tim...Hey Tim, it's Kelly, Bob wanted me to call and see if you were coming over to watch the Superman Marathon on TBS with him?"
"News & Record this is Tim...HeyTim, it's Kelly, Bob wanted me to call and see if you got the season tickets to the Panthers he sent over?"
"News & Record this is Tim...Hey Tim, it's Kelly, Bob was wondering if you had any Statue of Liberty or Talking Turtle cartoons you might be able to use next week?"
"Hey Tim, we were wondering if you and the kids were still coming Trick-or-Treating with us this year?"
"Hey Tim, Mom called and wants to know why you haven't called her lately..."
"Well...he's thinking that Joel, Eli, Brandon, Brent, Nancy, CC and he, would make a great comedy team...sort of a Justice League for Triad Comedy..."
(my apologies to any of the wonderful regulars I may have unintentionally omitted)
"Tim...I asked you not to let him win anymore and now he won't take off the suit..."
"Ever since that reader said he wasn't funny, all he does is sit in his chair and watch Boomerang..."
"Well...he thought about not entering at all this week but he didn't want to let Tim down..."
"Ever since he started his own business he has way, WAY too much free time on his hands..."
"No...he doesn't write them himself, Tyler's the brains of the outfit, Bob just writes the email and signs his name..."
Augustus Pimplepopper (Bob Mannary in disguise), Greensboro
(aka Robert Rickard, aka Angelo Donatello, aka Wanda Lipschitz, aka Guido Carmagucci, aka Poindexter Zippleton, aka Bonnie Clydsdale, aka Butch Sundance, aka Lou Abbot, aka Bud Costello, (I know they're backwards) aka George Takei, aka Pedro Casadia, aka Apollo Creed, aka Luke Skywalker, aka Ben Dover, aka Anita Mann, aka Seymour Butts, aka Mr. Roboto, aka Tennesee Tuxedo, aka The Big Giant Head)

"I wouldn't mind that he wants to dress up for work, but he's a plumber."
"He was found in a seedy motel room with Jimmy Olson."
"All he does is drink all day and watch America's Next Top Model."
"He's trying to get on Celebrity Rehab."
"Apparently he thought he saw Lex Luthor run into a Victoria's Secret dressing room."
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

"For THE last TIME, I don't KNOW why SOME words ARE randomly capitalized!"
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden
I liked the way you were thinking outside the box this week, Bob.

I buy all his clothes on sale once a year -- November 1st.
Joan Lux, Greensboro

"Lois, you call my husband one more time and I'm going to go all Tonya Harding on yo' ass!"
"I keep telling him that I don't care if it is a popular song, I'm not doing the 'Superman' with him."
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

"Ever since they started making Underoos in adult sizes, I can't get him to take them off."
"The 'super' part is that he was drawn without a mouth."
"We'll see how Super he is if I can ever get him to take the costume off."
"He is just addicted to those SuperFriends reruns."
"You'd think the lawnmower was made of kryptonite."
"As if working at the newspaper weren't stressful enough!"
"I just wonder what happened to that shy, nerdy guy I married. . ."
"Let me go, time to get his 'Super Supper' started."
Shera W. Bilisoly

"He's drinking up getting ready for the Super Friends' annual Brokeback retreat."
"I don't mind the role playing, but I just get tired of having to say 'baaa' all the time."
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

Hello , Imigration Services? I have an Illegal Alien ...
Christine Keaton, Randleman

"Cancel the colonoscopy, he says he just can't drink it."
"He's down to his last tube of Brylcream."
"Seeing all that pain and suffering and despair. Tomorrow, he's quitting that paper."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

Now he thinks he’s been exposed to kryptonite.
Don Murinson, Greensboro

"Superman is not responsible for any problems resulting in this week's late posting"
"Sorry, he doesn't handle giant lizards"
"On a Sunday?"
"Coke just claimed his face on their bottle"
"Well you can expect a law-suit"
"Brown M&M's only this time, don't mess it up again or your fired!"
"He only likes the green jelly beans"
"It's not as great as you would think"
"He's watching NASCAR right now, can you wait an hour?"
-Park Groves Greensboro
P.S a bully circle is when a group of kids(6-7) circle a kid and push him around
That's what I thought it was, and as such, I liked it for a caption last week.

"Sorry, try calling Batman, our reruns are on TV Land."
Terry Johnson, Greensboro

Super is dejected because the Navy didn't ask him to knock out that fouled up satellite.
Max Harless, High Point

"Lately, the Man of Steel is a gross overstatment."
"Even when the city was under attack by Godzilla, he just sat there."
"Lately it seems housework is his kryptonite."
"He avoids work like it's kryptonite."
"The Man of Leisure is a more apt title these days."
"Even Christopher Reeve was more active than he is."
"I wish there was a national disaster just to get him out of the house."
"He hasn't changed his tights in days."
"I figured he was lazy. Consider his disguise, a pair of glasses."
"Lois, do you want him back."
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

"It was such a beautiful day that Chris decided to take the day off and go horseback riding. What could go wrong?"
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden
ooooooh

Who knew?! The Man of Steel--grounded by airport security!!.
Barbara Cashman, Greensboro

"…with pepperoni, mushrooms, and kryptonite on one side only."
"Sorry Spiderman, he just got back from the earth’s core and is too pooped to go bowling tonight."
"Unfortunately Alice he was faster than a speeding bullet last night."
Gray Amick, Greensboro
liked the first one. goofy.

1) "For the last time Mr. Gore, he can not stop Global Warming."
2) "Even he can't save Hillary!"
3) "Yes Mrs. Kent, I still stitch his name on his tights."
4) "No grandma, he doesn't have the power to bring back Matlock."
5) "No Mr. McCain, you can not borrow his costume till November."
6) "Then he said he's had kryptonite that tasted better than my cooking."
7) "Yes Mr. Mannix, George will be home alone later. Why?"
9) "We definitely wasn't going to live in that ice cave of his!"
10) "The kids in the neighborhood keep sticking magnets on him."
Joel Clark, Greensboro
Joel, you ended up with about four captions that made the short list

"Why don't you ask Batman and Robin to bring the Kryptonite Casserole this year, you can put us down for hero sandwiches."
Gray Amick, Greensboro

He's like ANY other man. He sits around the house in his underwear drinking beer and watching TV.
Tina Gilmore

"The Man of Steel is now a Potato of Couch"
"Barely lifts a finger. Claims it's the kryptonite in the beer"
"He even wears it in bed. Believe me nothing super happens"
"He been depressed even since global warming melted his ice fortress"
"The Fab Four turned him down as dull and old"
"Lois ditched him for the Hulk"
"His flight rights have been revolked by the FAA"
Dennis LaJeunesse
The first one was a strong contender for runner-up

No, I don't need a home security system or frequent flyer miles.
Hello, I'd like to buy a phone booth.
He's depressed doctor. The PC bunch sued him for unnecessary use of force.
Sorry chief. He says he won't drink and fly.
C. L. Sumpter, High Point

1. "He just heard about the Bullet Train in Japan."
2. "It says He's more powerful than a locomotive, not the bullet train...
3. "First it was the bullet train, then Lebron James, what's next, men can't wear tights?"
Paula Hairston, Greensboro

Seriously!.....He's wearing adult Superman Underroos!!
Christine Keaton, Randleman

"Spidey, I told you to never call me here."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"Hello, Spiderman,this is Lois. I think we need to do an intervention."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro
I liked this one

"I'd like to order a large pizza...(sigh) Yes, the Super Special."
"I need to order a large pizza...no onions, please."
"I need to order a large pizza...no onions, he's going out later."
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden

"No he cannot come out and play."
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden

"I'm holding for Harry Potter. It seems that Superman's mouth has been stolen."
"Harry Potter? This is Lois Lane. Superman's mouth has been stolen."
"Dr.Miller? Superman's mouth is gone again."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"Hi, I'm calling for the SuperHero's Five Year Reunion. Is Aquaman there?"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"Lois. If this is you, either speak or stop calling."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"Who should I say is calling for help?"
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden

"You say this is Spiderman calling for help?"
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden

"What do you mean his Medicare just ran out?"
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden

"He could have used the door."
"He should have used the tunnel."
"Hey! Next time, use your own shirts!"
"Do I want to know?"
"I guess he heard that the boss cut his salary."
"You see, this is why we need higher cubicles."
"Aw, shoot. another one escaped!"
"Um....."
"All i did was tell him i was gonna stop by."
"This is why we need to install invisible fences."
"He could have just quit."
"He was supposed to be doing the bosses taxes."
Jamie Biagiotti, (10) Greensboro
I think these were for an earlier 'Jokes On You' cartoon featuring an escape from a cubicle ...
perhaps you sent the wrong e-mail?

He is setting here moping because he can't find a phone boot
He is on the sauce again, thinks i spend too much time with the chief
Don Rankin, Greensboro

"Yeah, he always complaining about the reds fading into the blues."
"If I could, I would take that S off and put a C, for couch potato."
"Super? More like for supper!"
James E. Ferrell, McLeansville

SNAIL MAIL
"He's mad because I called John McCain a 'True American Hero.'"
"He's been this way ever since he found out 'Heroes' might be cancelled."
“Seems the only thing he’s able to lift these days is the remote.”
Charles Pruitt, Eden
The last one was a strong contender for runner-up

"I'm sorry, he's drinking and can't fly today."
"Sorry, air controllers are on strike and he can't fly today."
Bill Jones, Greensboro

"Doc, I gave him 3 doses of Viagra and he still can't get it up."
Sharon Belue, High Point

"You need him to save a Barack and a Hillary from killing each other? Will he know who they are?"
"He can't save anyone now, he is practicing for March Madness."
Sue Minor, High Point

"He can't come now, he has the flu!"
"He's in his 'Man cave' mood."
Barbara Vestal, Greensboro

"Hey L-o-i-s, guess who just flew in?"
"Not now Mom, I'm watching survivor with a friend,"
Frank Freeman, Greensboro

"I've had it ... between films he morphs into Stupor-man."
Bill Wallace, High Point