News-Record.com

Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com

Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.

LAST WEEK'S WINNER
So, whadda ya think of my selections? Agree? Disagree? Let me know what you think.
Leave a comment. Tell me your pick. Tell me why the ones I picked stink. Or, if you must, tell me how brilliant my choices are.

You never cease to amaze me. I handed you a tough one but somehow you managed to come up with some keepers.
As usual, there were a lot of similar gags with similar themes, in which case, first come, first served. Alas, Bob Mannary submitted probably the funniest ---- but not quite right for a family newspaper ---- response involving Babar the elephant and ... well, you can read it below.
Oh, and welcome to the e-mail ranks, Max.

BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE has to go to Catherine Duke for her history-lesson-in-a-caption: "thank you! Andrew Jackson for the 'asinine' reference!" (first use of a Donkey to symbolize the Democratic party.) Honorable mention to Gray Amick for his mention of the "Magic arrow" theory (think JFK conspiracy)
BEST "WE CAN'T PRINT THAT IN A FAMILY NEWSPAPER" AWARD: "You would think Babar would be able to find a better piece of ass than this..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro
BEST INSIDE JOKE Goes to Nancy Nelson and Gray Amick for mentioning the monster from the J.O.Y. from two weeks ago.

WINNER
"I had better call for back-up on this one."
Kay Preston

RUNNERS-UP
"I'd better be careful. Last time, I accidentally hit an intern."
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

"Heck, if this works, the Mideast will be a piece of cake."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

"I'm gonna need more arrows ..."
Doug Clayton, Mcleansville
One of the first and one of the better ones with this theme.

"You leave me no choice but to use this stimulus package."
Brent Wooten, Thomasville

"Got to make this work. I need my rebate check to pay for my HDTV."
James E. Ferrell, McLeansville

"You two will fall in love, get married and have a child named John McCain."
Chris Augustine, Greensboro

"If I pull THIS one off I'm asking for a raise..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

THE REST
1) you are going to need a harpoon to make this work !
2) yes ! he is my funny Valentine alright !
3) I may act like an "A**" but I am a donkey !
4) I hope that is a poisonous dart !
5) that isn't going to help ! he has already forgotten my birthday!
6) Yes I know the bench has a bow in it ! I am just waiting for the snap!
Catherine Duke

7) thank you! Andrew Jackson for the "asinine" reference!
8) why don't you get your ears pinned back yours are the ones that flap in the wind
9) they said stamp out the competition "not stampede" !
Catherine Duke

"Come on, you two. Race and gender are no longer pertinent issues."
Jacki Wilson, Greensboro

"My Arrows of Love are good, but they can't do miracles."
KEN LAYTON, CARTHAGE

"Cupid's last stand"
"Talk about wishful thinking"
Florence Barakat, Greensboro

"So if you HUG the elephant, then maybe he'll KISS ... you !
Dawn Hailey, Greensboro

I've seen both your candidates, whats there to love?
Robin Griswold, Burlington
No kidding.

Hey, if I can pair a Tar Heel and a Blue Devil, this'll be easy.
J. C. Winkler, Greensboro
Good idea, but I would have reversed them: "If I pull this off, next I'll try a Tar Heel and a Blue Devil"
but that's just me.

"Put some clothes on."
Justin Gargano

After all these years! There is no hope of getting these two together!
Stephanie Apple, Greensboro

"I'm afraid they might overdose"
"This has to be the last one or else they might overdose"
"They promised me an easy one this time"
"I've never seen tougher skin!"
"20 arrows and they're just sitting on a bench!"
"Psh. This is Cupid and I'm running out of ammunition. OVER"
"It's an #*% and a Donkey!"
"Why don't they just go to Match.com?"
"I can't believe I'm using my last arrow on these two"
"All the arrows can't be duds"
"They're politically blind so this won't work"
"Love is blind so this might work"
"Thank goodness I work out in the off-season"
-Park Groves Greensboro
Some good ones here, I like the "off-season" one. The "I'm Running out of ammo" is good, but I would have shortened it to just that,

"No health insurance? O.K,O.K,? I'll just nick you a little."
"Well, I guess you can see his personality profile."
"O.K, he said he'll drop a few pounds if you'll floss more."
"See what happens when attraction meets deep compati..Ahh just hold still."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

"I'm out of arrows and the voters still don't love either one of you."
"Looks like I'm going to need a bigger quill"
Brent Wooten, Thomasville
Nice ones

How hard can it be? I've already done Carville and Matalin.
"Love is in the air . . . . " (snicker)
Hope this arrow is sharp enough to pierce those hides.
Glad I found them sitting on a bench instead of a fence.
It's fun wearing these rose-colored contacts.
If a mule is the offspring of a donkey and a horse ...?
Wonder if their baby will bray or trumpet first.
Big assignment this time from Mama Venus.
What an initiation into the Eros Society.
Joan Lux, Greensboro

Uh-oh, last titanium arrow in my quiver.
Which practical joker gave me this assignment?
I earned my wings on Carville and Matalin.
Reading their body language, that donkey looks like a d-o-n-k-e-y.
Joan Lux, Greensboro
The Carville and Matlin refences are nice.

"I should've brought more arrows...."
Joey Preston
Nice, but someone beat you to it.

Go ahead,Give it your best shot!
toni quakenbush, OAK RIDGE

OH SURE ,LIKE THAT WILL REALLY WORK
Toni Quakenbush, oak ridge

"Is it Friday the 13th already?"
Justin Gargano, Jamestown

"When I shoot this arrow I'm either going to unite the democratic and replubican parties once and for all, or . . . create one heck of a really big ass."
P. Kostedt, Greensboro
Good one. I'm reluctant to use "ass" in the paper, though.

None of us realized you meant elegant!
Miriam Morrow, New Orleans
New Orleans? Really? Wow! Welcome!

1. No way!
2. They are too far apart.
3. It will never work.
4. I'll need more than one arrow.
5. Opposes do attract.
6. I think I'll pass these two up.
7. Don't be so stubborn!
8. These politicians needs a little love.
9. How sad!
10. She is too stubborn and he is too forgetful.(I chose to leave names out.)
11. Don't be a fraidy cat, it won't hurt you.
12. Love makes the world go round.
13. Is Love really Blind?
14. This isn't going to be easy.
15. My job really gets harder in an election year.
15. Don't blame me, Venus told me to do this!
16. They're sitting on a park bench, how hard could this be!
17. You're an ass!( I know you have to pass on this one, but it does fit.)
18. I don't believe that Elephants never forget?
19. The elephant already looks high.
20. Dude, why are you so MAD?
22. Love conquers all!
23. Looks like I may need to call for backup.
24. Sorry, they told me Godzilla was here.
25. Rats! ( Wonder who inspired this one)
26. I'll melt your cold cold heart.
27. Love doesn't have to hurt.
28. Love will keep you two together.
29. You'll soon be singing 'Hungary Eyes".
30. Everything I do, I do for you.
31. She already has "Hungary Eyes".
32. You do know "Love Hurts".
33. Where is The Love?
34. Make Love not War.
35. Love, It's Magic!
36. Love will keep you Alive.
37. I do wonder what your children will look like.
38. What the world needs now is love sweet love...
39. I think I'll need some love potion No. 9 on this arrowhead.
40. Love lasts Forever.
41. I think this arrow will just bounce off.
42. You're such a jackass. ( I cleaned it some)
43. Some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this.
44. I've got the cure for your "Achy Breaky Heart".
44. I'm drawing back my arrow and sending it to straight to your heart.
45. I'm hitting you with my very best shot.
Nancy Nelson

46. Your children will definitely be of mixed descent!
Nancy Nelson

"Boy! If this work, I can be president of the United States.
"I got to find a better rewarding job."
"This will add 10 years to my life if this works."
"To shoot or not to shoot!"
"This did not work 4 years ago at Valentine."
"I am glad this is not based on job-performance."
"This little arrow is not going to work."
"I will use my 2 weeks love portion".
James E. Ferrell, McLeansville

"Where are James Carville and Mary Matalin when you need them?"
Richard Poindexter, Greensboro

"I hate these American assignments!"
Steve Kindschi, Asheboro

Newton's third law of motion.
Tom Norman, Greensboro

We have to stop meeting like this!
Bess Epperly, Summerfield

"No, I can't promise you a rose garden."
Marsha Elam, Greensboro

I would like to submit the following captions:
"You can't be too picky, remember, your political clock is ticking."
"I don't know, I guess you'll have a joint slush fund."
"Let's just call it a little stimulus package."
"He said he'll still respect you after the primaries."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
Brent beat you to the "stimulus package" idea

"To get things off on the right foot, I'd suggest complete makeovers."
"Pass the (cough) healthcare reform..(cough) (cough) or so help me I'll shoot."
"Well maybe not love, but you'll have a real strong approval rating."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

"Look, I don't want to either...but Tim Rickard said I HAVE to."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro
And don't you forget it.

"I know what you're thinking. "Did he fire six shots or only five?"
"You have to ask yourself a question: Do I feel lucky?...Well? Do ya, punks?"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro
Nice channeling of Dirty Harry

Cupid ponders who has the toughest skin, while "Strangers in the Night" plays softly in the background.
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"I don't think I have enough arrows for this job!"
"I'd have better luck in the Middle East."
"Maybe if I slipped them some GHB instead."
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

"Trust me--he'll look good in November."
Marsha Elam, Greensboro

1) "I should have brought my crossbow!!"
2) "Great, one can not forget the other ones an ass!!"
3) "I can't seem to find a heart in either one."
4) "Maybe I shouldn't. Think of the damage they could do if they liked each other."
Joel Clark, Greensboro
Liked the last two.

1) "Will you guys ever kiss and make out?"
2)"This bellowing and braying has got to stop!"
Bill Beerman, Greensboro

"You're not a young donkey any more."
"You can't tell it by looking at him, but he's Independent."
"I think his nose is kind of cute."
"This was the best I could do."
"You're the one who said the other donkeys don't like you."
Marsha Elam, Greensboro

"Finally, Cupid was the last resort for Congress!"
Roddy Woodard, High Point

Whoa…I need backup on this one.
Jeez, neither of you are worth shooting.
This is a waste of a perfectly good arrow.
Celia Cook, High Point
oooohhhh. Kay Preston beat you to the "back-up" one. But you were obviously on the right track.

"Yeah...right...ok..."
"Somebody in dispatch thought this was funny..."
"I wonder who I ticked off to get THIS assignment?!?"
"Is this somebody's idea of a joke?"
"Forrest Gump was an easier assignment than this..."
"Oh...yeah...this'll be easy..."
"Think I'm gonna need a bigger bow..."
'OK...I've managed to get them to levitate...now if I can just get them fall in love..."
"At least all Moses had to do was part the Red Sea..."
"And I thought Ric Ocasek and Paulina Porizkova was a tough shot..."
"I've got a better chance at helping out William Hung then I do at getting THESE two together..."
"Yeah...this should work..."
"You would think Babar would be able to find a better piece of ass than this..."
"Who am I kidding..."
"Which one's Hillary?"
"I need a better agent..."
"There has GOT to be a better way to make a living..."
"Wait till Horton hears about THIS!"
"Wait till they find out the bench was just painted..."
"I can't wait to see the look on the bus drivers face..."
"This place is a ZOO!"
"Hey...DUMBO...hold your ass still for a minute..."
"They are gonna make some UGLY kids one day..."
"Does Shrek know about this?"
"First a dragon now an elephant? You are one strange Donkey..."
"That's It! When I get back I'm posting my resume on Monster.com"
"HA! Let's see eHarmony pull THIS one off!"
"Blind dates just NEVER work out like you hope but who am I to argue..."
"Well...I've put together stranger couples...so we'll see what happens"
"Geesh...16 arrows and still...nothin'..."
"Well...either he'll see the elephant first or that Yorkie over there better start running..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro
The "dispatch" one made my short list, as well as "bigger bow"

"I don't think the world is ready for a Donkaphant"
Barbara Cashman, Greensboro

"I don't think their offspring will be viable, but here goes."
"Gee, that must be a strong bench."
"I hope this match works out better than my UNC fan + Duke fan effort."
Amy LaJeunesse, Greensboro

Forgive and forget. Oh, sorry, one of you can't forget.
". . . like a big pizza pie, that's amore."
This could change my nickname from "straight shooter" to "broken arrow."
Oooouuuummmm, love conquers all.
Repeat after me, "Politics makes strange bedfellows."
Joan Lux, Greensboro

Political pundits worst nightmare.
Tom Norman, Greensboro

(Humming) Love is a Battlefield....
I'll need Zeus's Lightening Bolt for this one!
Christine Keaton, Randleman

Forgive and forget. Oh, sorry, one of you never forgets.
Joan Lux, Greensboro

"You'll thank me come November."
"They say politics make strange bed fellows."
"Wait until Limbaugh gets a load of this."
"Now this will spark some change!"
"Maybe I shouldn't...yeah, ofcourse I should."
"This'll either mean peace or the St. Valentines Day Massacre"
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

"This is just WRONG!"
Barbara Cashman, Greensboro

"This may take more than one arrow."
"I never needed an arrow to attract Bill to an elephant."
"This'll be the oddest couple since Felix and Oscar."
"This'll be the oddest couple since Julia Roberts and Lyle Lovett."
"This'll be the oddest couple since Michael Jackson and anybody!"
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

"What's it gonna be guys, left or right ventricle?"
"Move closer together so I can test the Single Arrow Theory."
"Sorry fellas but I'm endorsing Zeus."
"Don't worry, I've been transferred to Animal Control. Have either of you seen a group of rebellious cats or a giant green reptile in the area?"
Gray Amick, Greensboro
The "left or right ventricle" was clever.

Who would have thought.....
Maybe this one is going a bit too far....
This job sure has changed in the last hundred years...
Hmmm Donkey + Elephant = A Jackass with a long memory!
Christine Keaton, Randleman
Liked that last one a lot.

Cupid, tough hides! Better use an armour-piercing arrow
Cupid, use a tranquillizer arrow then ship them back to the Washington Zoo.
Cupid, please hear their pleas for change, then hit the who most deranged
Cupid, check your GPS. There is no possible match here.
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

"Please don't make us fall in love. He's such an ass."
"Fly away little guy, we're happy just like we are."
"You better shoot quickly, this bench is about to break."
Frank Beamon, Greensboro

1. "Trust me Bill, this is the best way to campaign for Hillary".
2. "If I don't do this, how else do you two expect to get along?"
3."What are you two mad at, look at what I have to wear."
4."Look Mr. Gulliani, you have on the suit, once I shoot you with this arrow you will never know you use to be a republican."
5."Look Bill, once I shoot you with this arrow, Hillary cries for you, then she gets the PETA votes".
Paula Hairston, Greensboro

"It'll never work."
Ken Cockerham, Greensboro

"Cupid finds his challenge as debate moderator to be different than he imagined."
"Cupid finds the use of force appealing as a debate moderator."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"Does the "Love Bus" stop here?"
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden

"The Impossible Dream."
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden

"Come here often??"
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden

"I don't care if it take's from Valentine's Day til November, I want you two to kiss and make up."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"Are you gonna make us sit here until November??"
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden

"Whaddya mean this bench was just painted?!?!?"
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden

"Which one of you is here for acupuncture?"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"Hi folks! Been here long??"
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden

"Cupid decides to help when this couple got turned down by eHarmony.com."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"Let's see Chris Wiles pull THIS one off!"
"At least I'm cuter than Chris Wiles!"
"Chris Wiles gets the cover of Go Triad and I'm stuck playing with Zoo Animals...geesh!"
"Huh...ANYBODY can do comedy but it takes REAL talent to make THESE wings look good!!"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

"Move closer together so I can test the Magic Arrow Theory."
Gray Amick, Greensboro

Why waste the arrow?
Cathy FitzGerald, Greensboro

1) "Maybe they can reach across the aisle and choke one another . "
2) "I know it's not my job to say so but this is a general election joke, but what do I know I'm just an armed, naked baby. "
Joel Clark, Greensboro

1- "Mary Matalin, meet James Carville."
2-"T(u)sk, t(u)sk, you silly politicos can say some asinine things."
Max Harless
Good reference to Ms Matlin and Mr. Carville, but you weren't the first.

"Put your head on my shoulder."
Cathy Harless

If I could just get the elephant to move a little to his left.
Cathy FitzGerald, Greensboro
Bah-dom, bing

"I'm Cupid's twin brother, Stupid."
"It worked for Carville and Matalin."
"Yes, she's a strange bedfellow, but beggars can't be choosers."
"I'm an eternal optimist!"
"Neil Clark Warren gave me the go-ahead!"
"Ebony and ivory live in perfect harmony."
"Sure, you had one hit movie, but you don't have movie-star good looks either!"
"Opposites attack!"Kris Voy, Trinity

"Dang! I've only got one shot at this!"
Barbara Cashman, Greensboro

Hmm... Offspring who are smart asses and never forget. Maybe not a good idea.
Cathy FitzGerald, Greensboro

SNAIL MAIL
"This could be my first career failure!"
"C'mon Donkey, she's cute and willing."
"Don't forget the pre-nup!"
"Lookin' for love in all the wrong places."
"The above photo is in the dictionary under'NO WAY!'"
"True love is more important than politics, right?"
Frank Freeman, Greensboro

1. "If this works, I'm starting a dating service."
2. "How the Republicrat party began."
3. "A shot in the ass oughta do it."
Bill Wallace, High Point
I liked number 1.

"This wiil end the debate, OK?"
Dorothy Coleman, Greensboro