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Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com

Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.

LAST WEEK'S WINNER
So, whadda ya think of my selections? Agree? Disagree? Let me know what you think.
Leave a comment. Tell me your pick. Tell me why the ones I picked stink. Or, if you must, tell me how brilliant my choices are.

(Cue music) ... Can you tell me how to judge, how to judge these Sesame Street gags... (end music.)
Usually I make a shot list of a dozen or so of my favorite entries (many of you will never know how close you get to winning or placing.) Then those are pared down to about a half-dozen from which the winner is chosen. This week I could have flipped a coin between a dozen different entries for winner and been satisfied with the choice. Here are a few.
BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE:
Nancy Nelson wins this with:
I see Kermits' birthday party got out of hand. (Feb. 29, Is Kermits birthday)
BEST INSIDE JOKE:
There were several to choose from, but I kinda liked this one from Joel Clark:
"We called Superman but got his wife. Boy talk about an unhappy spouse."
Some more good ones were contributed below by Cathy FitzGerald, CC Cockerham, Jean Brockman and Nancy Nelson.

WINNER
"Good gosh Jenkins it's murder, or do you have to have it spelled out for you?"
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
Needless to say, Joel was on a roll this week with winner, two runners-up and one or two more made the short list.
What is it about guys named Joel and gag writing anyway? We have multi-winners Joel Clark and Joel Tuggle. Cathy is a good name -- two winners so far named Cathy. Also there have been two Steves, two Davids, two Jims ... Am I forgetting any?

RUNNERS-UP
This crime is brought to you by the letter "F"
Jon Barsanti, Greensboro
One of the briefer versions of this gag, which is good.

"Oscar was grouchier than we thought."
Phil Valla, Greensboro

"Our prime suspect is Bert but I don't think he was working alone."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

The victim was stabbed 1,2,3,4,5...6,7,8,9,10...11, 12 times
Eli Oklesh, Greensboro
Probably the best of the "counting" gags, but I think it would have worked better (shorter) with a lower number.

"To make bail, he's gonna need support from viewers like you."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

"Big Bird is guil - ty, guilty."
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

"Things went south when they couldn't agree on the letter of the day."
Brent Wooten, Thomasville
This was the second highest scorer among the judges ...

Now his name is " Stab Me Elmo".
Darrell Clark, Winston-Salem

THE REST
First, this late caption to last week's Superman cartoon (the e-mail had to travel a long way from Texas. We have entries this week from Texas, Louisiana and Tennessee. We're going national folks!)
"You say Hoover Dam just burst?....Just a minute, let me see if he's in.......Honeeeeey"
Mike Grunsten, El Paso, Texas

Better call in CSI. There are yellow feathers and red fur all over the place. And our only witness is some depressed guy in a trash can.
Tom Harrison, Greensboro

"We found Oscar. He was stuffed in the trash can."
Stuart Philpott, Greensboro

l. Are you going to put Oscar back in the CAN?
2. Did Cookie Monster rob the bakery again?
3. Did Bert and Ernie get into another fight?
4. Was Big Bird the victim of a drive shooting?
Nancy Nelson, Greensboro

"Looks like Cookie Monster caught Elmo with his hand in the cookie jar and things got ugly."
Robert Atwood, Greensboro

"Miss Piggy caught Kermit with tadpoles calling him "Daddy"."
Glenda Layton, Carthage

"This used to be such a safe neighborhood."
Ken Layton, Carthage
I liked this one. very simple.

"You say the fight started when Elmo got into the Grouch's garbage can and Grouch hit him with a rotten banana?"
Ken Layton, Carthage

"Its true, Big Bird does taste just like chicken."
Richard F. Wood
cute.

"I've never seen anything like it. All of them were ... rectally impaled by human hands! The humanity!"
Lisa Holder, Pleasant Garden

4. (correction)Was Big Bird the victim of a drive-by shooting?
5. Was Snuffleupagus snuffed out by the big game hunters?
6. Did The Count snap and bite someone?
7. Did Bert and Ernie have anything to do with the disappearance of Deena and Pearl?
8. Did Elmo see Red and kill to be the winner of that silly dance contest?
9. Did Ernie snap and kill Bert?
10. Have you talked to Frazzle he knows about everything that happens on Sesame Street?
11. Grover was so cute, what happened here?
12. Herry Monster doesn't know how strong he really is, did he claim it was an accident?
13. Did you say all the humans on Sesame Street were killed?
14. I see Kermits' birthday party got out of hand. (Feb. 29, Is Kermits birthday)
15. How many of the humans are suspects in this crime?
16. Did the Garbage collector run over Oscar's can?
17. Was Big Bird asking to many questions?
Nancy Nelson

"Get the 'yellow' book out - we need a lineup."
"How many eight foot tall yellow birds can there be?"
"Follow the fuzzy feathers and we will find our felon.
Jon Barsanti, Greensboro

Some grouch canned Oscar.
Jubee Stange, Greensboro

"Remember, the only information we're releasing to the press is the number of the day and the letter of the day".
"Let's just say that Oscar's grouching days are over."
"We're going to need more than sunny days to sweep away what's in there."
"...and there were primary colors splattered all over the walls and ceiling..."
Sherrill Hayes, Greensboro

"CAN I QUOTE YOU 'COOKIE MONSTER MUGS A GIRL SCOUT'?"
BETTY JO HILL, GREENSBORO

"I'm not sure how you got here, but I'm glad you're here..."
"Can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?"
"Witnesses say the last thing he said was, 'If You Tickle Me There Just One More Time Yellow Beak...' then shots rang out..."
"Unfortunately it looks like he didn't keep his feathers numbered for just such an emergency..."
"We already collected several canisters of Play-Doh and a pair of Slinky's, but it looks like the Easy-Bake Oven is missing..."
"Today's crime scene is brought to you by the letter 'M' and the number '3'"
"Our primary suspect is approximately two feet tall, slender build, with a greenish complexion...."
"All we've found so far are nothing more than cookie crumbs and a spilled glass of milk..."
"He 'claims' it was somebody by the name of Aloysius Snuffleupagus but we have no other witnesses that back up his story..."
"We have 1...ONE murder victim...Ha Ha Ha. 2...TWO pieces of evidence...Ha Ha Ha..."
"Well...so far Bert's saying it was Ernie, Ernie's saying it was Bert, Big Bird is pointing the finger at Mr. Snuffleupagus, and the only thing I can get out of the Elmo kid is that 'That Tickles'..."
"Well...it looks like somebody's been tickling Elmo in a less-than appropriate way..."
"Apparently we are on the look-out for a frog and a pig..."
"It looks like the only thing missing from the apartment is a rubber ducky..."
"It looks like another case of Muppet on Muppet violence..."
"Gordon's OK but it looks like Bob and Maria weren't so lucky..."
"The only thing left was a suicide note scribbled on his Etch-A-Sketch..."
"Get me Sherlock Hemlock..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro
Not surprisingly, you had a few on the short list.

18.Has Miami Mice gathered any clues yet?
19.Did The Amazing Mumford make Big Bird small again?
20. Will Rosita be deported back to Mexico?
21. I'm Sherlock Hemlock and I'm here to help you solve this crime.
22. I need to find my dog, Watson, he'll help me solve this crime. ( I had a child who grew-up watching this show.)
23. What's a Muppet anyway?
24. Did someone choke Big Bird for asking so many questions?
25.Did the EPA finally make Oscar clean out his can?
26. Officer, was the victim a Human or a Muppet?
27. Officer Louie did you find Charlie yet?
28. Did the ASPCA rescue Oscar's pets and shut down his can.
29. Has Bruno ever accidently throw Oscar's can into his truck before.
Nancy Nelson

"So you’re telling me Big Bird is missing but you don’t suspect fowl play."
David Graves, Browns Summit

"It was a crime of passion. Bert found Ernie and Grover in bed together."
"There were 1,2,3..3 mutilated muppets..ah, ah, ah!"
"Apparently O.J. found out that Grover was sleeping with his wife too."
"This crime scene was brought to you by the letter H, as in 'horrific'."
"How exactly do you get blood off of felt anyway?"
"Elmo got a hold of some bad PCP."
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

30. Do you have a description of the suspect?
31. What color was the suspect?
32. Did the victim have any known enemies?
33. How many Muppets are suspects?
34. There's always been Bitter Blood between those two.
35. Will Jerry Bledsoe write a book about this horrendous crime?
Nancy Nelson

"Maybe it wasn't such a good idea creating a Jeffrey Dahmer muppet afterall."
"If anyone comes up to you singing about how to get to Sesame Street, just tell them to follow the stench of death."
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden
I loved both of these Bob, but they were just a wee-bit dark.

"When they took him away in handcuffs he kept saying, 'I warned them not to tickle me anymore'".
Sherron Ashby, Madison

"So what you're saying is - this years Thanksgiving bird was not turkey?"
Tennie Skladanowski, Greensboro

"Waste management?!, I Knew that oscar fellow was bad news!"
We're looking for a bird, a big bird
Eddie Whitman, High Point
liked the second one

Yeah! It looks like Oscar finally went postal!!
Stephanie Apple, Greensboro

Kermit has croaked, and we believe Big Bird is involved in "fowl play."
Chris Vandegrift, Greensboro

Kermit has croaked, and we think Big Bird is guilty of "fowl play."
Chris Vandegrift, Greensboro

"This crime scene is brought to you by the letter L and the number 7."
"An eyewitness says the victim was stabbed 1...2...3 times.... Ah.Ah.Ah."
"Turns out that Super Grover can't really fly."
"I've never seen so much shredded foam and googly eyes in my life."
"Elmo apparently got tired of being tickled."
Brent Wooten, Thomasville

"Seemed like Grover was getting too close to Bert. Ernie didn't take it too well."
Kelly Frye, greensboro

They introduced a new character named Big Cat. Guess how that went?
He says he wants a car and a bag of cookies and he will release the hostages.
This murder was brought to you by the number 6.
It's a hate crime. Turns out Bert and Ernie was more than roommates.
Darrell Clark, Winston-Salem

1) 'H' is for 'homicide.' That's good enough for me.
2) The residents are saying that this murder was brought to you by the letter 'M.'
3) Looks like someone FINALLY picked off Elmo.
4) The residents say the culprit must be some kind of monster.
5) There goes Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood!
6) This would never happen in Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood!
8) One of these crimes is not like the others. One of these crimes is not quite the same.
9) It makes one ask, "Who REALLY are the people in your neighborhood?"
10) Well, at least this epidode of CSI will have no commercials.
Eli Oklesh, Greensboro
Some other good ones here.

"Now that it's politically incorrect to eat Girl Scout cookies, The Cookie Monster just ate Big Bird."
Laurie Rand, Greenboro

"The letter of the day is H - for homicide."
"The crumbs sprinkled on the victim implicate Cookie Monster."
"This is brought to you by the numbers 1,8,7."
"Yet another domestic dispute at Bert and Ernie's."
"It seems there will be a new toy out soon - Murder Me Elmo."
"A rival gang, The Muppets, was ambushed with silly string."
"No one suspected Oscar was THAT grouchy."
"This results from ongoing tensions with The Electric Company."
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

"Your typical spat between aging TV stars"
John Lonergan, Whitsett

"They are just filming an episode of puppets gone wild".
John Lonergan, Whitsett

1) "Anything funny going on here?"
2) "I know the writers" strike is over--when did the cartoonists go out?"
3) "You"re saying Cookie Monster overdosed on trans-fats?"
4) You know all I've got to say is 'Open, Sesame'".
William Beerman

Let's just call it "Big Bird's Revenge"
"The Government killed 'The Cookie Monster'"(seriously :-( )
"He's only known by 'The Cookie Monster'"
His last words were "Don't Taze Me Bro"
"Who ever did this took their time, every feather was plucked"
"Barney actually HAD a gun"
"Don't be fooled by the name, the Teletubbies area viscous street gang"
"Show-biz is rough"
"The suspect had a very large nose, was it you or me?"
Park Groves Greensboro

I would like to submit the following caption for this week's cartoon:
Well, the only thing missing is five hundred pounds of bird seed.....any suspects?
Myra Pell, Greensboro

"The witness just said "four, four times he was stabbed" and then he turned into a bat and flew away."
"One of 'em just said "talk to the hand.""
"Release the big yellow one. Obviously, he's not a flight risk."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

"I'll read them their rights during storytime."
"It's gang related all right. Look at those corrective shoes hanging from that line."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

"He was an addict all right. I saw cookie dust all around his mouth."
"It appears it was a new garbage man with a bad ticker."
"All those letters and I couldn't see the warning signs."
"I'd say the judge will give him two...maybe three hours of timeout."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

I would like to submit the following captions:
"It looks like a milk and cookie deal went bad."
"It's horrible Jenkins. There's some of them up there with no legs at all."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

Did you see someone with crumbs on their chin running from here?
James R. Pitcher, Greensboro

"Oscar the Grouch was found dead in a manhole. It appears to be sewercide."
"It's true. Big Bird sleeps with the finches"
"Looks like aviary flu got him but we can't rule out foul slay"
"The problem started when Cookie Monster invited Count Dracula in for a bite"
"Elmo's batteries are gone! His laughter drove Oscar insane"
"We suspect something is wrong. Oscar is sweet and friendly"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

"Witnesses say that the purple pile of foam over there is all that's left of Barney..."
"His ID says his name is 'Barney'...no address..."
"It's never pretty when a purple dinosaur wanders into the wrong neighborhood..."
"Witnesses say that his last words were 'And Remember...I Love You'...before he fell into a lifeless purple heap."
"The real question is, what is a Mah Nà Mah Nà"
"Who told YOU how to get here??"
"Apparently 38 years of talking to a giant yellow bird and a Grouch in a trash can was too much for Mr. McGrath..."
"Last time I was out here was when I was assigned the Hooper case...never could figure out why he was working on that toaster his bathtub..."
"I just used Google Maps..."
"I was heading east on I-40, which I think is now Business 40, but not Old 40 and I guess I missed my exit for PTI...how'd YOU get here..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro
Bob, number three made it on the short list.

"Well, it appears that The Count won't be counting up to Miss Piggy's weight again."
Reta Beck, Greensboro
Nice one.

"When we get him, he's gonna beg for the cookie" ... can I quote you on that?
Miriam Morrow, New Orleans, LA

"...I guess Oscar finally got fed up with the paparazzi always following Elmo."
Rupert Burton, Greensboro

"Looks like Oscar's having another midlife crisis..."
Andrew San Juan, Greensboro

Yea, Great big yellow bird. Have you seen it?
Hey, listen to this, He says the "Cookie Monster" did it.
And you say YOU were with Miss Piggy all night?
Mitch of Nashville

"An eight foot pigeon hooked on meth, it's not a pretty sight."
Joel Clark, Greensboro

"Chief. You're not gonna believe this group of suspects."
Charles Miller, Grensboro

36. It's Cartoon Madness!
37. It's true March Madness!
38. Oscar got CANNED!
Nancy Nelson

"It appears as if the victim has been clubbed to death with the letter 'P.'"
"You can take the police tape down now; the only thing in the safe was rubber duckies."
"I need you to go ahead and call in the Chief; you'll have to tell him how to get, how to get to Sesame Street."
"We've got a pretty good line on the suspect. Not too hard to figure out when there's a four foot long yellow feather left at the crime scene."
"This one is going to be tough - the whole neighborhood is full of a bunch of characters."
"Put out an APB. We're looking for an older fellow with green jeans."
"I asked him if he saw anything and he said, 'Counting is fun.' What am I supposed to do with that?"
Shera Bilisoly, Greensboro
Liked the first one.

"I tried to warn Kermit about marrying Lorena Bobbitt."
"I guess those two old guys in the balcony told one too many jokes, huh?"
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

That's right a giant bird, and if you laugh again I'll beat you with your own gun.
Darrell Clark, Winston-Salem

The Girl Scouts have I.D'd the culprit as Cookie Monster.
Marilyn Lonergan, Stoney Creek

It's not pretty. Cookies and feathers everywhere!
Lisa Lemieur, Greensboro

I'm from the News + Record. Can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Cathy FitzGerald, Greensboro

"We called Superman but got his wife. Boy talk about an unhappy spouse."
Joel Clark, Greensboro

"What a tragedy. First the lead singer from INXS, and now Kermit."
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

"I heard the victim had big yellow feathers on his clothing."
Dave Derence, Greensboro

"You say that the suspect was still covered with cookie crumbs?"
Dave Derence, Greensboro

1- Elmo really really didn't want to be tickled anymore.
2- Today's letter is M. Can you say murder?
3- Oscar way overdid grouchy!
Max Harless

"Word on the street is that 7 ate 9."
Diane Bishop, Greensboro

"All I heard was Oscar the Grouch scream 'AAAHHH MY SPLEEN!!!' then everything went quiet."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"Well, I got a domestic disturbance call from 123 Sesame Street that Bert and Ernie were having another fight, and I thought it was a joke. My bad."
Ken Cockerham, Greensboro

"Well we got the strangest call from someone calling himself BigBird screaming that GodZilla was eating up his neighborhood."
"I got a call for Help from BigBird that GodZilla had made his way to Sesame Street and that some guy named Tim Rickards was only sitting there drawing it."
"I got the wierdest call from BigBird screaming that GodZilla was eating his neighborhood and that Superman was drunk and Tim Rickard's was only sitting there drawing it all."
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden

1. That ribbon doesn't mean you can't cross it, officer.
2. The Cookie Monster stole how many cookies?
3 Someone actually dumped trash on Oscar?
4. Zoning doesn't allow living in a trash can?
5. All these police because #123 is missing from St. sign?
6. The 1st place ribbon on Big Bird is nicer than the one you put up.
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden

"When Oscar heard Elmo was named PBS’s Sexiest Muppet of the Year, he just flipped out."
"It appears Mr. Rogers crashed into Oscar’s garbage can on his moped."
"A simple case of street rage between Oscar and Elmo."
Gray Amick, Greensboro

"It's just some grumpy guy in a trash can eating the largest drumstick I've ever seen!"
Joel Clark, Greensboro

"The story is, some green frog did the big bird in. Something about messing arond with my piggy."
"He still able to talk even with his insides all torn out.""
"Road Kill"
"Man, I had the best donut ever this morning."
"Put out a APB for a big yellow bird."
"Tell the TSA to look for a yellow bird with green blood on his hands."
James E. Ferrell, McLeansville

"You saw a hand up a muppet's what?"
David Downing, Greensboro

"The Count took the cookie monster's cookies.
He counted each one and threw them into a trash can.
The monster and a grouch from inside the can started a fight, then a big yellow bird..."Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro

SNAIL MAIL
"Looks like a turf war with the muppets ... we're going to need 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8! body bags."
Bill Wallace, High Point
Good one Bill, just needed to be a bit shorter

"Yeah, the crime scene is that trash can over there."
"'B' is for Big Bird a baseball bat upside Bert's head."
"It's chaos. Feathers, frog guts and pig's feet everywhere."
"This turf war is a powder-keg. Next time the Muppet Kings and the Berensteen Crips meet, felt could run in the street."
"Just that outside agitator, Fred Rodgers, again."
C Lane, Greensboro
Like the last one.

Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com

Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.

LAST WEEK'S WINNER
So, whadda ya think of my selections? Agree? Disagree? Let me know what you think.
Leave a comment. Tell me your pick. Tell me why the ones I picked stink. Or, if you must, tell me how brilliant my choices are.

Well.
Considering the web sites you guys had the dogs surfing to, I have to wonder where exactly you go when YOU'RE online. Online dating was another, but not entirely unrelated, subject.
Although it was too self-promotional to win, we also got this clever update from Joel Tuggle on the "dog fetch newspaper" theme: "All right, to fetch his paper, scroll over to News-Record and double click."

WINNER
"In the block that says age, multiply that times seven."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

RUNNERS-UP
Wouldn't mind my nose being rubbed in that.
Darrell Clark, Winston-Salem

Cat Porn? You?
Alan Parrish, Clemmons
It was the "you?" that sold this.

"Now tell them you are a prince from Kenya and you inherited some money."
Joel Clark, Greensboro
So this is where all that spam comes from ...?

Bad dog, bad dog!
Nancy Nelson

"Online poker, huh? How far we've come!"
Eli Oklesh, Greensboro

"Wait.....I think Lassie's trying to tell you something!!"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"Why does your dating profile say that you're a Doberman?"
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

"Who needs spyware when you have an alert border collie?"
Kris Voy, Trinity

THE REST
"In the block that says race, put Mixed."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"Where it says 'Make', type 'Hound'. Under 'Model', put 'Bassett'. "
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"I like where you've written 'Well-trained, loves to travel', but you've got to think of some more hobbies besides 'Fetch'. "
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"You Dawg!! You haven't told her you're a dog, have you?!??"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

You had better not be looking at puppy porn...
Chris Vandegrift, Greensboro

Look up Beethoven.com he's so kool.
Emily Smith, Greensboro

"We've been outbid on eBay...never thought a hydrant would go that high!"
"It's so fun watching those stupid humans on UTube."
Google "flea collar."
Nancy Sands, Stoney Creek

"Google RIN TIN TIN. Mama says he was hot!"
KEN LAYTON, CARTHAGE

"They mis-quoted me on YouTube."
KEN LAYTON, CARTHAGE

"Can you pull-up Lassie's webpage?"
KEN LAYTON, CARTHAGE

Type in this caption: "Arf arf woof yip yip grrrrrrrrrrrr!"
Type "Free puppies to good home." Not ours, dear -- those little mutts next door!
Joan Lux Greensboro

"Shame on you, Sam! You shouldn't be googling Puppy-Porn."
KEN LAYTON, CARTHAGE

So this is what you meant by "my space" -- I thought you meant the back yard.
And thank your mother for having us over for squirrel and chipmunk.
I think that candidate is pandering to us. Power to the Pups huh!
Joan Lux Greensboro

Hey, what do say we E-mail snop-doggey-dog!
HAROLD NEWBY

"Print out the names and addresses of the cats nearest us."
Brian Saintsing, Thomasville

I need a good collar for my human pet.
The girls I have met on dogmatch.com are real bitches!
Or
The girls I've met on dogmatch.com are real %@!** !!!
I've hacked into the main frame of the Animal Shelter to release all "pets".
Christine Keaton, Randleman

"the dogs of the DOW has gone to the dogs."
James O. Durham-Greensboro

Aren't you afraid of getting carpal paw syndrome?
J. C. Winkler, Greensboro

Why did Tim draw me talking to your butt?
"Talk to the butt" you say?
J. C. Winkler, Greensboro

Wow. I didn't realize there were so many hydrant locations in the city!
Man's best friend, huh? What till he sees this!
Can we get free shipping from Omaha Steaks?
OK. Catch the cat one more time.and then it's my turn.
Don Byers, Greensboro

"I'm downloading Emeril's Turbo Dog Chili"
"Wine that smells like wet dog! What is this reviewer implying?"
"High of 70 ... shorts weather ... Yes!"
Jon Barsanti

Did you see Spot's rant about cats on Dogtube?
Robert Atwood, Greensboro

The police are going to come and get you if you don't stop looking at those puppy websites.
Robert Atwood, Greensboro

"I told you that you weren't related to Barney. You'll never get in the White House now."
"3 year old purebred Irish Setter male seeks female of the same ..." Who are you kidding.
Jon Barsanti, Greensboro

1."Tell her you live in a gated community instead of the animal shelter".
2. "How many paw strokes can you type"?
3. "She said she lives in a gated community, make sure it's not the pound".
4. "Since the Micheal Vick fiasco, they do a background check to join the K-9 unit".
Paula Hairston, Greensboro

I reset my human's password every day for a laugh !
with a few strokes...the male human will sleep in the dog house tonight !
I know chocolate is the humans' favorite "treat".
and humans wonder what we do all day !!!
Christine Keaton, Randleman

Put this in the letter to the dog food company: "Your dog food is smelly, gooey, and an ugly color -- it's our favorite."
Browsing WebDVM again? Who's a sick puppy now?
I see you're running late again doing our Christmas letter.
Bad mouthing me again just 'cause I didn't age that squirrel long enough?
What do you mean I'm not heroic? I bark at lots of people before they step in it.
I may not measure up to Lassie, but how many uncovered wells are there for Timmy to fall into?
Joan Lux Greensboro

Still can't find the mailmans address huh?
Dog breeder? Can I apply for the job??
I won't use a computer....I hate mice....
Christine Keaton, Randleman

Look up doctors for frequent hydrant stops.....
Christine Keaton, Randleman

l. Why are you bothering to enter that stupid contest ,you're never going to win?!
2. Hurry up, I have to enter my cartoon caption.
3. It's not that funny!
4. Dog gone it, you're always on the computer.
4. Let's go for a romantic walk in the park , you need the exercise.
5. You never bark at me anymore!
6. Don't slobber on it or the human will know.
7. The internet is going to the dogs.
8. They think it's good if a caveman can do it.
9. How are you going to type with those big paws.
10. Order an extra large bag of human treats.
11. Order an extra large bag of doggie treats.
12. She wants us to take her for a walk!
13. Watson, Did you solve the murder on Sesame Street yet?
14. Tell Mom I said yip, yip, yip.
15. Make sure you order an extra long leash for our human!
16. What's wrong, you don't sniff me anymore?
17. I'm going out to play ball with some other dog.
18. Why didn't superman save the muppet?
20. I guess I'll go hump the human.
21. You promised to lick me more.
22. Yelping to you is getting me no where.
23. You don't take me out anymore.
24. I'm sorry, bitching at you is wrong.
25. You'll be In the Dog House if she catches you!
26. The internet has Gone to the Dogs.
27. You have a Dog's Chance of winning that cartoon caption contest.
28. You think you're such a Big Dog.
29. Is it going to be Raining Cats and Dogs all day?
30. If you win you'll be the Top Dog.
31. America Idol could use a howler like you!
32. Randy Is sure to call you Top Dog.
33. Be sure to send them your "Howling at the Moon" tape.
34. Checking your e-mail again??
35. Why do you need a dating service?
36. If you're so smart why don't you have a job?
37. Your resume needs punching up??
38. That one, She's A Dog!
39. Who said you can't teach an old dog new tricks?
40. Hot diggity dog you finally won!
41. Don't leave any paw prints on the keys.
42. How long do I have to wag my tail before you notice me?
43. I didn't know you could cancel our vet appointments on-line.
44. It would be better if the computer would let us smell them.
45. We need to buy an extra large pooper-scooper for him.
46. I'm calling in Cupid I need more Love.
47. They might send you to the Dog Pound for this caper.
48. You're such a Dog, Noone will ever date you.
49. That cartoon caption is doggone funny.
50. Play "Hound Dog" that's my favorite.
51. Order us the classic movie "Lassie Come Home".
52. Order "Lady and the Tramp" , it's so romantic.
53. With your nose, you could always get a job as a canine cop.
54. The perfect title for your book is "It's a Dog's Life".
55. You' been Slaving like a Dog to finish that novel.
56. You aren't Snoop Dog, more like Snoopy Dog.
57. Have you been trying to find your Roots again?
58. We sure are Lucky Dogs to have a human who lets us use his computer.
59. If he wasn't BLIND , we would never get to use the computer.
60. In this Dog Eat Dog world you have to keep up with the new technologies.
61. Why don't you apply for the firehouse dog opening?
62. You'll soon be dog meat if you don't stop drooling on the computer.
63. Just Google in How to Train Your Human!
64. Are you ordering more dog bones?
61. That's looks like fun, sign us up for doggie daycare.
62. Come on, they left their best shoes by the front door!
63. Sign them up for that Human Behavior Training Class.
64. Don't you want to dig up those flower bulbs she planted last week?
65. Get out of that chair and go chase some cars with me.
66. Get off that computer and fix me some real meat, I'm tired of eating Dog food.
67. It sure is getting hot in here.
68. Lets chase fat Garfield, he' ll be easy to catch.
69. I think you're going to be spending the rest of the day in that Dog Crate if they catch you.
70. Look she's got the frisbee!
71. They won't even let me jump up on the couch.
72. You make me so mad, I just want to bite someone.
73. They're late getting home so I left them a doggie surprise in the entryway.
74. I hear the mailman, I'm going to growl and bark thru that mail slot.
75. Order us a doggie door, I want to go outside.
76. You ain't nothing but a Hang Dog!
77. If you don't stop you'll end up in the Dog pen.
78. Arf, Arf, Arf, they're coming.
79. You Old Coon Dog, lets go hunting.
80. I see you're guarding the computer again.
81. Every dog has his day, I guess this is yours!
82. Get a life.
83. So you think you're smarter than a fifth grader!
84. Doggie see, Doggie Do.
86. Think about it, Why do you think they call it "Jokes on You"?
(That's because the joke is on most all of us who keep entering)
Nancy Nelson
Congratulations, Nancy. Not only did you make runner-up, and have one or two other contenders, but you now own the record of most entries in a single week.

"Google fire hydrant locations"
Heli Benson, Greensboro

"When are you going to get off the computer and come to bed!?"
Heli Benson, Greensboro

Delete the browsing history or they will know we are aliens...
Christine Keaton, Randleman

I have so many petrified rabbits buried that I'm recession-proof.
Sounds like good news for us if the world really is going to the dogs.
Joan Lux Greensboro

Ooooh, my favorite web site-Bitchesgonebad.com
J. C. Winkler, Greensboro

"How much did we get for the cat on e-bay?"
Doug Clayton, Mcleansville
Good one - a definite contender

"It's my turn, my turn, my turn, my turn"...
Hally Lee Rankin, Greensboro

"Go to that site with the shaved French Poodles."
Rich Fisher, Greensboro

"I bet I have more canines in MySpace than you do!"
Heli Benson, Greensboro

See who you find at eharmony.dog!
Bill Briggs, Greensboro

Why do I still do this?
"Westminister dog show? Wow, look at those fancy handlers!"
"How many doggie blogs are there?"
Bill Beerman, Greensboro
Because we still enjoy reading them, even if they don't win.

"You better hope Dad doesn't find out you're using his credit card!"
Joe Benson, Greensboro

"I see you're emailing all of your incessant barking now."
"Is a blog necessary just to type 'bark' over and over?"
"I pity you if the 'r' key stops working."
"Can you get any Lassie pics on there?"
"Now we can fetch things from across the globe."
"So you get your bones on ebay nowadays?"
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro
Several good ones here

"Now, move the black jack under the red queen."
Jimmy Renshaw, High Point

"That shih-poo is incredible."
Kevin Busick, High Point

"Playing poker on-line just isn't the same."
"There's the one of my aunt buying a coffin."
"You do realize that once you click send we're no longer man's best friend."
"Why did you log on as a French poodle?"
Brent Wooten, Thomasville

You type BOS and your IM is OO.
ZhaK

"So easy the dog can do it."
Melvin Shelton, Greensboro

1. "Just say: 'Attractive, SF, soft brown hair. Likes dining, walks, cuddling & more!"
2. "This is great; nobody on the web knows you're a dog!"
James R. Hicks, Jr., Stokesdale

Try googling opposable thumbs.
Barbara Cashman, Greensboro

Log-off, I need to sniff your butt.
I'm telling you Spot, on-line dating is a crock.
So let me get this straight, a husky you met online wants you to hitch-hike to Alaska.
You've got your own My Space page?
Alan Parrish, Clemmons

If you get caught, it will be the pound for you.
You really think you can break FiFi out?
Squeaky Toys.com. Alright!!
Hurry Up! I hear the masters car.
You know the dogcatchers are watching every move you make.
Add me a pound of those gourmet treats to that order.
How did you manage to get the masters Visa?
Jodi Hepler, Clemmons
Liked squeaky toys.

Do a search for my favorite song: "This old man, he played one . . . ."
Joan Lux, Greensboro

Check the weather website -- will this be a three-dog night?
Joan Lux Greensboro

1) "Here's her credit card number. Let's adopt a couple of cute poodles!!"
2) "You're the first dog trained to use the computer and all you do is play freecell."
3) "Use Yahoo maps to see if you can find those bones I buried last week."
4) "Let's start a contest to give away the neighbor's cat."
5) "Download all the songs you want, do you think they're going to blame us?"
6) "You're so smart, me, I still fall for the fake throw every single time"
7) "While Rex barked by his side, sadly Spot knew he had outgrown his best friend."
Joel Clark, Greensboro

"Hurry up Ralph,there's free beer at O'Mally's.? Just say, "Doggone".
Vicki Ison, Greensboro

Go to BILB, bones I'd like to bury.com.
Boy you can talk a donkey into anything.
You wouldn't catch me licking THAT.
Darrell Clark, Winston-Salem

Hurry up, just say,? "Doggone".
Vicki Ison, Greensboro

We just learned you're pregnant. It's too soon to look for obediance schools!
Bill Briggs, Greensboro

I don't think you need an attorney. All you did was dig up a few lousy flowers!
Bill Briggs, Greensboro

This one was lot's of fun for me.
What's "neuter" mean?"
"An E-bay special. Buy two fire hydrants and the third is free!"
"Look a sale. Buy one fire hydrant and get one free!"
"Make sure the kennel you book allows humans"
"Check out the obits at doggone.brk "
"Sad news, the world's oldest dog dies at 20"
"Terrible news, all those kennels being reposed"
"One of our favorite recipe "Filet of Feline"
"This email shore beats the "Bark Mail"
"Forget her, It's just puppy love"
"Let check out the new neigbor dog at mykennel.dog"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro
They were fun for me, too.

It¹s spelled B-A-R-K, not BARF.
Mary Lou House, Whitsett

1) "Tell her you are an award winning Great Dane. How is she going to know?"
Joel Clark, Greensboro

"Maybe he'll get us a doggie door if we e-mail him about the carpet puddles!"
"Tell him about the pile in the living room. It might get us a doggie door!"
"Why are you googling Puppy Love? I'm interested!""Why is there a spam filter? That stuff tastes good!"
"Tell Cesar Millan about our lack of exercise, discipline, and affection."
"Write that we're the cutest little brown-nosers you ever did see!"
"He still blames the maid for changing his password every day!"
Kris Voy, Trinity

"Book me a trip too to that Cat Man Doo place."
Phil Valla, Greensboro

"You're brighter than I am. I barely know Come."
"Snoopy couldn't get into as much on his typewriter!"
Kris Voy, Trinity

Tell your girlfriend's cousin I'm tall and handsome with a dignified bark.
Bill Briggs, Greensboro

"Stop dogging the computer."
"When is my turn."
"Don't look now, but the owner is standing behind us."
"Is that the Playdog web site?"
"Check to see if I got any e-mail."
"Make sure to erase our footprints."
"Here comes our owner".
"Quick! Make like a stupid dog."
James E. Ferrell, McLeansville

Dad, have I got to go back to Michael Vick's Obediance School this summer?
Robert Saunders, Madison

"Forget it Ralph, they've obviously installed a fat mailman filter."
"O.K, that's my face but I swear that ain't my body."
"I tell you what, she don't look a day over seven."
"My mouth's just watering looking at all of that spam."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

"O.K, next week, you'll be the pointer and I'll be the setter."
"All right, to fetch his paper, scroll over to News-Record and double click."
"Spay us will you? Click on E-bay and enter these numbers."
"It's my turn now so Roll over, Roll over."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

"When his boss gets this e-mail, then he'll feel neutered."
"O.K, that should disable the invisible fence but tomorrow, when the mailman comes, just act cool."
"Rex, why are you looking at... pictures....of.....cats?"
"Left click, left click, for gosh sakes, Frank, use your dewclaw."
"All right, pull up Fluffy's chart. Who knew she would get rabies?"
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
Really liked the "invisible fence" one here. Also the dew claw was cute.

1- Dog show entry? Remember it this way: w(oof) w(oof) w(oof). AKC. org.
2- See if they have pictures of all the dog catchers.
3- I sure wish that SPAM we receive was edible.
4- I wonder what Tuggle is saying about us.
Max Harless
Just read above, Max

1."Can you hear me now?"
2.Forgot my wife wasn’t here to give directions…..
3. Whaddya mean it aint part of the new bypass?
Jackie Auman, Asheboro

"Quick! Mom's coming...click onto the Disney site!"
Heli Benson, Greensboro

"Hey...surf the web for buried bones sites!"
Heli Benson, Greensboro

"Don't drink from the toilet, it will turn your character blue."
"That's not a tuxedo cat. That's a skunk. You lose points!"
"Virtual Frisbee Dog World Championship - what will they think of next?"
"You have your own Fosters and Smith Account? You go dawg."
Jon Barsanti, Greensboro

Google "bitch" and see what it says about you.
C. L. Sumpter, High Point

1. I guess this pretty much outdates the dogs playing poker paintings.
2. Sell all our owners shares of Microsoft and buy Purina.
3. Puppy Porn! No wonder you've been sniffing my butt so much.
C. L. Sumpter, High Point

"Well...you Ain't nothin' But a Hound Dog....but technically that's plagarism."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"When your Dad said 'Go Fetch Game', I don't think he meant 'Grand Theft Auto'."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"Well, since she's never really seen you, you're 5 ft. 11 in., turquoise blue eyes, love to laugh..."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"Google which restaurants have the best steak scraps."
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden

Here we go again...
"Make sure you save it in Microsoft WOOF format" (put a "tm" symbol after "woof")
"They're not even in heat yet, dude.. sick!"
"I'd like to sniff HER butt!"
"Send her the picture of me before I got fixed!"
Welp, I'm drawing blanks on this one. Maybe next week...
Eli Oklesh, Greensboro
And you still made the runners-up. Not bad

"Hey! Are you playing Virtual Checkers with Lassie??"
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden

"I never knew that dog shows could be x-rated!"
"Wow, who knew there was an x-rated version of the Westminster Dog Show?"
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden

"I wonder if they have chat rooms for dogs?"
"Do a search for chat rooms for dogs."
"Do a search for chat rooms for dog lovers."
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden

"Come On! Get off that thing and let's go howl at the moon."
"Howling at the moon is much more fun than playing on a computer."
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden

"This isn't exactly what I expected from www.DogLovers.com ."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"What do you mean by "Doggie Style'?"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"I'd be careful, Rex, you could be chatting with a puppy."
"Are you on that 'French Poodles in Heat' website again?"
"Wow, I didn't realize Lassie was that double-jointed!"
"What's Benji doing with that midget?"
"That's it.that's it.rub her face in it!"
"All you do is surf the 'net and 'wag your tail'!"
"Wait a second! Is that Eliot Spitzer and a collie?"
"Are you watching that "2 Poodles and a Cup" video again?"
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden
Loved the Lassie reference.

1. I hope the Kennel Club picks Mom for best in show.
2. How did you get Lassie's e-mail address?
3. See if you can get the fire hydrants again.
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden

"If I catch you on those websites one more time, I'll fix you myself!"
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

"Gee, all the single females on Mutt.com are a bunch of dogs!"
"Can we Google 'fire hydrants' next"?
"These Alpo Pop ups sure are annoying."
"Still no leads in the Sesame Street homicide."
"Sure we can go chase some cars but let's stay away from Sesame Street OK?"
"Wanna go play some fetch while your dial up wrestles with that Lassie clip?"
Gray Amick, Greensboro

"OK Moms gone. Go to becausetheycan.com."
David Downing, Greensboro

SNAIL MAIL
"Beam me up, Scottie."
Don Smith, Greensboro

1) "The anyomonous tip behind Michael Vick's arrest."
2) "No, no you spell it V-i-c-k."
3) "I wonder why his name is Snoop Doggy Dog?"
Chadd Habersham, Greensboro

"Delete all Bob Barker.com"
Frank Freeman, Greensboro

"Gosh, Snoopy, I can buy Alpo in the large cans cheaper at Wal-Mart and don't have to pay shipping charges."
David R. Joyce, Jr., Stokesdale

Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com

Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.

LAST WEEK'S WINNER
So, whadda ya think of my selections? Agree? Disagree? Let me know what you think.
Leave a comment. Tell me your pick. Tell me why the ones I picked stink. Or, if you must, tell me how brilliant my choices are.

Now. I expect everyone to be on your best behavior. As you know, this feature is also a blog on the News & Record website so everything you read here, as well as ALL entries I receive, gets posted online for the world to see. Now, I've mentioned before about getting entries from other states, but I've learned that we're even being read in Israel. So we've gone international! So behave, straighten up that tie, fix your hair and take that gum out of your mouth! Sheesh! I can't take you anywhere!

WINNER
“It’s for you. George Clooney calling.”
Norman Welker, Greensboro
I don't know. It was topical, clever, we just decided on this.

RUNNERS-UP
"Sorry about your diaper. 911 still doesn’t answer."
Frank Freeman, Greensboro

"Are we happy with our long distance carrier?"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"It's Uncle Sam again. He wants to know if we can lend him some more money."
Mike Smith, Greensboro

"They don't make strained carrot pizza."
Jon Barsanti

I'm ordering room service, do you need a refill?
Nancy Nelson

"I don't think that was my ringtone you just heard."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

He wants to know if we want to refinance our crib?
Rick Meehan, Graham

THE REST
"Are you in?"
"Shall that I say that you're in?"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"How much longer is Mama's nap time? This man says it's really important that he speak with her."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"If I just say 'Crib', do you think the Pizza Man can find us?"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"It's Mom; she's forgotten the computer password again."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"I sure wish we could get cell phones liike all the other kids."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"I have to take this..."
"It's your mom...are you here?"
Steve
Good ones

1. Dad says ask Mom.
2. Mom said tell Dad.
4. I'm calling for help, you need a change!
5. What's Gerber's number? 6. Haven't they heard of cell phones?!
7. Babble, babble! 8. I can't hear you!
9. Bad reception! 10. It's Toy's are Us, they're recalling our phone.
Nancy Nelson

"You can't talk on the phone, you've been drinking."
Barbara Bolden, Eden

"I'm calling room service. Do you need anything?"
Jimmy Davis, Greensboro
Nancy above beat you to the room service thing

11. Why can't I have my own Crib?
12. It's not safe, there's germs everywhere!
13. She doesn't share!
14. She said, just CRY louder!
15. Why are we being penned up?
16. She said, climbing over would be dangerous!!
17. She's not talking!
18. She has a blank expression on her face.
19. She's scaring me.
20. This relationship isn't working for me, I want OUT!
22. I don't know what to do, I don't speak her language.
23. Is this doggie day care?
24. I guess they couldn't afford a computer!
25. She doesn't even wash her hands before she eats!
26. Just break me out!
27. But I didn't do it!
28. I'm calling my lawyer!
29. I want to go home!
30. They play favorites, I'm thirsty too!
31. Mom, All she every does is whine!
Nancy Nelson

"It's your mom. You have to go home now."
"I'll call Domino's. We have 30 minutes."
Jimmy Davis, Greensboro

"Mommy and Daddy say the hormones in our milk are causing our increased
hair growth."
"Let's call the FDA and ask that they look into this hormone thing more
closely!'
"I always end up feeling this way when we come home to visit Mom and Dad."
"It's high time Mom and Dad update the guest bedroom!"
"Think anyone'll ever take the jobless figures seriously?"
"Canned and back in the nest!"
"Well, we keep asking God to bless this food to the nourishment of our
bodies!"
"It's got to be the hormones."
"Here we are...the rebound generation."
Kris Voy, Trinity

"What does "Talk Dirty" mean?"
Glenda Layton, Carthage

"It's some lady saying, "Moshi, moshi! Bango-chi. Sen-en, kudasai. Sayonara!"... I don't think it's Gramma."
KEN LAYTON, Carthage
Is this real japanese? Impressive.

1-"Hello room service...Yes I said TWO bottles of your best milk!!!"
2-"Did you want pepperoni or sausage?"
C.J. Woody, Greensboro
Good ones, liked the milk-room service one

32. She's cute but very shy! 33. She just babbles on and on.
34. I can't sleep, she won't stop slurping. 35. She blames me for everything.
36. She ratted on us!
37. I'm pleading NOT GUILTY.
38. She's pleading INSANITY.
39. Help, her stomach keeps gurgling!
40. If Brewster's in a rut maybe he could narrate my life?!
41. She not very smart, I can't even teach her to SIGN.
44. Cancel my appointment, I know Dr. Appleby's license is fake! (Jump Start)
45. I'm so tired of Baby Talk.
Nancy Nelson

The chef at Le Paris Bistro recommends a fish entree to go with your white milk.
Joan Lux Greensboro

We're invited over on Friday - it's BYOBottle AGAIN!
Joan Lux Greensboro

"Ole Spitz called. He wants a topless babe tonight".
Carrie Mosteller, Pleasant Garden

43. (Sorry, I messed up on my count, maybe Count Dracula could help me) Nan ,nan, nah!
44. Mom I think I've meet my soulmate.
45. I'm bringing someone home for you to meet.
46. Mom, didn't I say no more blinddates.
47. She said her parents have already enrolled her in the best preschool in town.
48. I'm calling her Miss Smarty Pants. 49. She says she too good to be in the same pen with me!
50. Lordy, lordy what will she be like when she's twenty.
51. Boo, who, who!
52. Waaaaah!
53 Mama!
54. Da, da!
Nancy Nelson, Greensboro

"It's MTV. They want to see my Crib."
"I heard you can dial 9 and get out."
"I've ordered us another bottle of Mom Perignon."
"It's the bank. They say I'm in over my head."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

"Robert Wagner says we can get a reverse mortgage on this crib"
Jonathan Sparrow, Greensboro

"Sorry, Sis. The pizzaman couldn't understand Goo."
Katie Wooten, Thomasville (Age 7)
Nice one, Katie!

"Did you want fries with that?"
Don Gunn, Madison
Good

The only guy who ever answers, calls himself Bush
J A Hunt, Greensboro

55. Yuk, she drools worst than the dogs!
56. Did you hear, kids say the darnest things?!
57. This toy must be broken it doesn't DO anything!!
58. She stinks!!!
59. Goo, goo, gaah, ga!
60. I'll be glad when they buy me a cell phone!
Nancy Nelson, Greensboro

"Hello, room service? They just keep repeating the cow says moo."
"You want anything? I'm asking Grover to bring take out."
"Elmo is cool but he never listens."
"You need a cell phone for when you're out in your stroller."
"I guess you don't need caller i.d., it's always Elmo."
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro
Some contenders here. They were all on the right track ...

"I only get one call ... Mom or Dad?"
"Press 1 for Mom, 2 for Dad ... what if I need both."
"Press 1 for Mom, 2 for Dad ... what is a 1?"
"I need Grama on speed-dial."
'When do we get paroled?"
"Scheduling play dates is murder."
"No Wiggles ... I thought that they played everything."
Jon Barsanti

"Anything else besides strained pears on that pizza!"
"Your early application to Harvard has been approved!"
"What's your drink? Need a refill?"
"The baby sitter can't find our house"
"It's a telemarketer. He offering value shares in Bear Stearns"
"It's Right-to-Life". They want to know our position.
"Wow, that's going to be a nice rack!"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro
First of all, my apologies. The "rack" one was probably the funniest caption we received. But I was uncomfortable running the word "rack" in the paper, plus, it was off subject - no mention of the telephone.

It's our Stock Broker - Bear Stearns folded, there goes the playpen.
FDA is calling..your Milky Ba-Ba has been recalled. Do we have any soy left?
It's that voter registration lady again, Clinton or Obama?
R. S. Wennberg, Greensboro

USDA recalled the Rice Milk Formula - it's poison from China.
Erik Wennberg, Greensboro

This telephone is so yesterday. I'm getting a cell for my birthday.
Carole J. Heffley, Stokesdale

"Sausage or pepperoni?"
John Koppel, Greensboro

"It's for you. Jury duty at 8:30 tomorrow morning."
John Koppel, Greensboro

"Mikey wants his bottle back."
John Koppel, Greensboro

Who am I going to call ? You're the only person I know .
That's one large with strained pepperoni?
All he will say is " A cow says moo".
Maybe I'll call you sometime for a play date.
Hey baby, can I get those digits.
Darrell Clark

"They said something has happened on Sesame Street. As soon as the dog is off the internet I'll look it up."
Joel Clark, Greensboro

"That was your ex-boyfriend. He said I was in over my head."
"It is like a prison in here so yeah, I guess it is my cell phone."
"Watson, come here, I need you.. to change my diaper."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

1) "It's Hillary--should I tell her we're splitting our vote?"
2) "What's an Obama?"
Bill Beerman, Greensboro

"Look, I'll call you a cab and you can go home and sleep it off."
"Wow, I'm picking up a lot of bars on this phone."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

1. Do you know why I have to dial one for English?
2. I'm calling for pizza, do you like pepperoni?
3. By the time I get off their automated answering system you and I will be teens.
4. Nana and Granddad get a Wii and we get this little phone.
5. The caller wants us to vote for Hillary.
6. I asked for a cell phone and I get this.
7. How can we possibly be twins?
8. The Easter Bunny's line is still busy.
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden

Whoever invented the automated answering machine should be run out of town.
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden

1) You said if I called you in the morning you would share! I just heard it I didn't mean it!
2) The person on the phone scared my pants full! Get It?
3) Are you a boy or girl ? Wait what am I? Do you know which is which ? No we really can't even talk yet!
4) Aren't you a little old to still be using a nipple? Better than waiting for the real thing don't you think?
5) I will trade you the phone for that bottle! They say you won't be able to live without it eventually!
Catherine Duke

I told Nana we were behind bars and she just laughed.
I can't dial 911, the phone doesn't have an 11.
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden

What do you want on your pizza?
It's for you, are you busy?
He says we have won a free trip to Paris. Where's Paris?
It's another credit card offer? I already have 5 of them.
The cab driver can be here in 30 minutes. Where do you want to go?
What does obscene mean?
Mitch in Nashville
like the crdit card reference

Its Obama, and Hillary's on hold...Just when did you become a superdelegate?
Charlie Thomas, Reidsville

"The preacher says he can only baptize us on our garbage day due to water restrictions."
"I'm gonna call Rev. Jeremiah Wright and tell him to forget about our baptism."
"Some lady calling herself 'Aunt Hillary' wants to know if she can kiss us during primary week."
"Weren't these Chinese phones recalled?"
"It's the painter and he wants to know if we've decided on pink or light blue."
"We can use our frequent flyer miles with the Stork but Skybus has a non stop to grandma's."
Gray Amick, Greensboro

SNAIL MAIL
"We just won two free nights and three days in Las Vegas."
Raymond Hoskins, Reidsville

"Still busy, Mommy must be talking to Granny."
"OK, how 'bout half olive and half pepperoni?"
Frank Freeman, Greensboro