News-Record.com

Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com

Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.

LAST WEEK'S WINNER
So, whadda ya think of my selections? Agree? Disagree? Let me know what you think.
Leave a comment. Tell me your pick. Tell me why the ones I picked stink. Or, if you must, tell me how brilliant my choices are.

Well.
Considering the web sites you guys had the dogs surfing to, I have to wonder where exactly you go when YOU'RE online. Online dating was another, but not entirely unrelated, subject.
Although it was too self-promotional to win, we also got this clever update from Joel Tuggle on the "dog fetch newspaper" theme: "All right, to fetch his paper, scroll over to News-Record and double click."

WINNER
"In the block that says age, multiply that times seven."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

RUNNERS-UP
Wouldn't mind my nose being rubbed in that.
Darrell Clark, Winston-Salem

Cat Porn? You?
Alan Parrish, Clemmons
It was the "you?" that sold this.

"Now tell them you are a prince from Kenya and you inherited some money."
Joel Clark, Greensboro
So this is where all that spam comes from ...?

Bad dog, bad dog!
Nancy Nelson

"Online poker, huh? How far we've come!"
Eli Oklesh, Greensboro

"Wait.....I think Lassie's trying to tell you something!!"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"Why does your dating profile say that you're a Doberman?"
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

"Who needs spyware when you have an alert border collie?"
Kris Voy, Trinity

THE REST
"In the block that says race, put Mixed."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"Where it says 'Make', type 'Hound'. Under 'Model', put 'Bassett'. "
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"I like where you've written 'Well-trained, loves to travel', but you've got to think of some more hobbies besides 'Fetch'. "
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"You Dawg!! You haven't told her you're a dog, have you?!??"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

You had better not be looking at puppy porn...
Chris Vandegrift, Greensboro

Look up Beethoven.com he's so kool.
Emily Smith, Greensboro

"We've been outbid on eBay...never thought a hydrant would go that high!"
"It's so fun watching those stupid humans on UTube."
Google "flea collar."
Nancy Sands, Stoney Creek

"Google RIN TIN TIN. Mama says he was hot!"
KEN LAYTON, CARTHAGE

"They mis-quoted me on YouTube."
KEN LAYTON, CARTHAGE

"Can you pull-up Lassie's webpage?"
KEN LAYTON, CARTHAGE

Type in this caption: "Arf arf woof yip yip grrrrrrrrrrrr!"
Type "Free puppies to good home." Not ours, dear -- those little mutts next door!
Joan Lux Greensboro

"Shame on you, Sam! You shouldn't be googling Puppy-Porn."
KEN LAYTON, CARTHAGE

So this is what you meant by "my space" -- I thought you meant the back yard.
And thank your mother for having us over for squirrel and chipmunk.
I think that candidate is pandering to us. Power to the Pups huh!
Joan Lux Greensboro

Hey, what do say we E-mail snop-doggey-dog!
HAROLD NEWBY

"Print out the names and addresses of the cats nearest us."
Brian Saintsing, Thomasville

I need a good collar for my human pet.
The girls I have met on dogmatch.com are real bitches!
Or
The girls I've met on dogmatch.com are real %@!** !!!
I've hacked into the main frame of the Animal Shelter to release all "pets".
Christine Keaton, Randleman

"the dogs of the DOW has gone to the dogs."
James O. Durham-Greensboro

Aren't you afraid of getting carpal paw syndrome?
J. C. Winkler, Greensboro

Why did Tim draw me talking to your butt?
"Talk to the butt" you say?
J. C. Winkler, Greensboro

Wow. I didn't realize there were so many hydrant locations in the city!
Man's best friend, huh? What till he sees this!
Can we get free shipping from Omaha Steaks?
OK. Catch the cat one more time.and then it's my turn.
Don Byers, Greensboro

"I'm downloading Emeril's Turbo Dog Chili"
"Wine that smells like wet dog! What is this reviewer implying?"
"High of 70 ... shorts weather ... Yes!"
Jon Barsanti

Did you see Spot's rant about cats on Dogtube?
Robert Atwood, Greensboro

The police are going to come and get you if you don't stop looking at those puppy websites.
Robert Atwood, Greensboro

"I told you that you weren't related to Barney. You'll never get in the White House now."
"3 year old purebred Irish Setter male seeks female of the same ..." Who are you kidding.
Jon Barsanti, Greensboro

1."Tell her you live in a gated community instead of the animal shelter".
2. "How many paw strokes can you type"?
3. "She said she lives in a gated community, make sure it's not the pound".
4. "Since the Micheal Vick fiasco, they do a background check to join the K-9 unit".
Paula Hairston, Greensboro

I reset my human's password every day for a laugh !
with a few strokes...the male human will sleep in the dog house tonight !
I know chocolate is the humans' favorite "treat".
and humans wonder what we do all day !!!
Christine Keaton, Randleman

Put this in the letter to the dog food company: "Your dog food is smelly, gooey, and an ugly color -- it's our favorite."
Browsing WebDVM again? Who's a sick puppy now?
I see you're running late again doing our Christmas letter.
Bad mouthing me again just 'cause I didn't age that squirrel long enough?
What do you mean I'm not heroic? I bark at lots of people before they step in it.
I may not measure up to Lassie, but how many uncovered wells are there for Timmy to fall into?
Joan Lux Greensboro

Still can't find the mailmans address huh?
Dog breeder? Can I apply for the job??
I won't use a computer....I hate mice....
Christine Keaton, Randleman

Look up doctors for frequent hydrant stops.....
Christine Keaton, Randleman

l. Why are you bothering to enter that stupid contest ,you're never going to win?!
2. Hurry up, I have to enter my cartoon caption.
3. It's not that funny!
4. Dog gone it, you're always on the computer.
4. Let's go for a romantic walk in the park , you need the exercise.
5. You never bark at me anymore!
6. Don't slobber on it or the human will know.
7. The internet is going to the dogs.
8. They think it's good if a caveman can do it.
9. How are you going to type with those big paws.
10. Order an extra large bag of human treats.
11. Order an extra large bag of doggie treats.
12. She wants us to take her for a walk!
13. Watson, Did you solve the murder on Sesame Street yet?
14. Tell Mom I said yip, yip, yip.
15. Make sure you order an extra long leash for our human!
16. What's wrong, you don't sniff me anymore?
17. I'm going out to play ball with some other dog.
18. Why didn't superman save the muppet?
20. I guess I'll go hump the human.
21. You promised to lick me more.
22. Yelping to you is getting me no where.
23. You don't take me out anymore.
24. I'm sorry, bitching at you is wrong.
25. You'll be In the Dog House if she catches you!
26. The internet has Gone to the Dogs.
27. You have a Dog's Chance of winning that cartoon caption contest.
28. You think you're such a Big Dog.
29. Is it going to be Raining Cats and Dogs all day?
30. If you win you'll be the Top Dog.
31. America Idol could use a howler like you!
32. Randy Is sure to call you Top Dog.
33. Be sure to send them your "Howling at the Moon" tape.
34. Checking your e-mail again??
35. Why do you need a dating service?
36. If you're so smart why don't you have a job?
37. Your resume needs punching up??
38. That one, She's A Dog!
39. Who said you can't teach an old dog new tricks?
40. Hot diggity dog you finally won!
41. Don't leave any paw prints on the keys.
42. How long do I have to wag my tail before you notice me?
43. I didn't know you could cancel our vet appointments on-line.
44. It would be better if the computer would let us smell them.
45. We need to buy an extra large pooper-scooper for him.
46. I'm calling in Cupid I need more Love.
47. They might send you to the Dog Pound for this caper.
48. You're such a Dog, Noone will ever date you.
49. That cartoon caption is doggone funny.
50. Play "Hound Dog" that's my favorite.
51. Order us the classic movie "Lassie Come Home".
52. Order "Lady and the Tramp" , it's so romantic.
53. With your nose, you could always get a job as a canine cop.
54. The perfect title for your book is "It's a Dog's Life".
55. You' been Slaving like a Dog to finish that novel.
56. You aren't Snoop Dog, more like Snoopy Dog.
57. Have you been trying to find your Roots again?
58. We sure are Lucky Dogs to have a human who lets us use his computer.
59. If he wasn't BLIND , we would never get to use the computer.
60. In this Dog Eat Dog world you have to keep up with the new technologies.
61. Why don't you apply for the firehouse dog opening?
62. You'll soon be dog meat if you don't stop drooling on the computer.
63. Just Google in How to Train Your Human!
64. Are you ordering more dog bones?
61. That's looks like fun, sign us up for doggie daycare.
62. Come on, they left their best shoes by the front door!
63. Sign them up for that Human Behavior Training Class.
64. Don't you want to dig up those flower bulbs she planted last week?
65. Get out of that chair and go chase some cars with me.
66. Get off that computer and fix me some real meat, I'm tired of eating Dog food.
67. It sure is getting hot in here.
68. Lets chase fat Garfield, he' ll be easy to catch.
69. I think you're going to be spending the rest of the day in that Dog Crate if they catch you.
70. Look she's got the frisbee!
71. They won't even let me jump up on the couch.
72. You make me so mad, I just want to bite someone.
73. They're late getting home so I left them a doggie surprise in the entryway.
74. I hear the mailman, I'm going to growl and bark thru that mail slot.
75. Order us a doggie door, I want to go outside.
76. You ain't nothing but a Hang Dog!
77. If you don't stop you'll end up in the Dog pen.
78. Arf, Arf, Arf, they're coming.
79. You Old Coon Dog, lets go hunting.
80. I see you're guarding the computer again.
81. Every dog has his day, I guess this is yours!
82. Get a life.
83. So you think you're smarter than a fifth grader!
84. Doggie see, Doggie Do.
86. Think about it, Why do you think they call it "Jokes on You"?
(That's because the joke is on most all of us who keep entering)
Nancy Nelson
Congratulations, Nancy. Not only did you make runner-up, and have one or two other contenders, but you now own the record of most entries in a single week.

"Google fire hydrant locations"
Heli Benson, Greensboro

"When are you going to get off the computer and come to bed!?"
Heli Benson, Greensboro

Delete the browsing history or they will know we are aliens...
Christine Keaton, Randleman

I have so many petrified rabbits buried that I'm recession-proof.
Sounds like good news for us if the world really is going to the dogs.
Joan Lux Greensboro

Ooooh, my favorite web site-Bitchesgonebad.com
J. C. Winkler, Greensboro

"How much did we get for the cat on e-bay?"
Doug Clayton, Mcleansville
Good one - a definite contender

"It's my turn, my turn, my turn, my turn"...
Hally Lee Rankin, Greensboro

"Go to that site with the shaved French Poodles."
Rich Fisher, Greensboro

"I bet I have more canines in MySpace than you do!"
Heli Benson, Greensboro

See who you find at eharmony.dog!
Bill Briggs, Greensboro

Why do I still do this?
"Westminister dog show? Wow, look at those fancy handlers!"
"How many doggie blogs are there?"
Bill Beerman, Greensboro
Because we still enjoy reading them, even if they don't win.

"You better hope Dad doesn't find out you're using his credit card!"
Joe Benson, Greensboro

"I see you're emailing all of your incessant barking now."
"Is a blog necessary just to type 'bark' over and over?"
"I pity you if the 'r' key stops working."
"Can you get any Lassie pics on there?"
"Now we can fetch things from across the globe."
"So you get your bones on ebay nowadays?"
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro
Several good ones here

"Now, move the black jack under the red queen."
Jimmy Renshaw, High Point

"That shih-poo is incredible."
Kevin Busick, High Point

"Playing poker on-line just isn't the same."
"There's the one of my aunt buying a coffin."
"You do realize that once you click send we're no longer man's best friend."
"Why did you log on as a French poodle?"
Brent Wooten, Thomasville

You type BOS and your IM is OO.
ZhaK

"So easy the dog can do it."
Melvin Shelton, Greensboro

1. "Just say: 'Attractive, SF, soft brown hair. Likes dining, walks, cuddling & more!"
2. "This is great; nobody on the web knows you're a dog!"
James R. Hicks, Jr., Stokesdale

Try googling opposable thumbs.
Barbara Cashman, Greensboro

Log-off, I need to sniff your butt.
I'm telling you Spot, on-line dating is a crock.
So let me get this straight, a husky you met online wants you to hitch-hike to Alaska.
You've got your own My Space page?
Alan Parrish, Clemmons

If you get caught, it will be the pound for you.
You really think you can break FiFi out?
Squeaky Toys.com. Alright!!
Hurry Up! I hear the masters car.
You know the dogcatchers are watching every move you make.
Add me a pound of those gourmet treats to that order.
How did you manage to get the masters Visa?
Jodi Hepler, Clemmons
Liked squeaky toys.

Do a search for my favorite song: "This old man, he played one . . . ."
Joan Lux, Greensboro

Check the weather website -- will this be a three-dog night?
Joan Lux Greensboro

1) "Here's her credit card number. Let's adopt a couple of cute poodles!!"
2) "You're the first dog trained to use the computer and all you do is play freecell."
3) "Use Yahoo maps to see if you can find those bones I buried last week."
4) "Let's start a contest to give away the neighbor's cat."
5) "Download all the songs you want, do you think they're going to blame us?"
6) "You're so smart, me, I still fall for the fake throw every single time"
7) "While Rex barked by his side, sadly Spot knew he had outgrown his best friend."
Joel Clark, Greensboro

"Hurry up Ralph,there's free beer at O'Mally's.? Just say, "Doggone".
Vicki Ison, Greensboro

Go to BILB, bones I'd like to bury.com.
Boy you can talk a donkey into anything.
You wouldn't catch me licking THAT.
Darrell Clark, Winston-Salem

Hurry up, just say,? "Doggone".
Vicki Ison, Greensboro

We just learned you're pregnant. It's too soon to look for obediance schools!
Bill Briggs, Greensboro

I don't think you need an attorney. All you did was dig up a few lousy flowers!
Bill Briggs, Greensboro

This one was lot's of fun for me.
What's "neuter" mean?"
"An E-bay special. Buy two fire hydrants and the third is free!"
"Look a sale. Buy one fire hydrant and get one free!"
"Make sure the kennel you book allows humans"
"Check out the obits at doggone.brk "
"Sad news, the world's oldest dog dies at 20"
"Terrible news, all those kennels being reposed"
"One of our favorite recipe "Filet of Feline"
"This email shore beats the "Bark Mail"
"Forget her, It's just puppy love"
"Let check out the new neigbor dog at mykennel.dog"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro
They were fun for me, too.

It¹s spelled B-A-R-K, not BARF.
Mary Lou House, Whitsett

1) "Tell her you are an award winning Great Dane. How is she going to know?"
Joel Clark, Greensboro

"Maybe he'll get us a doggie door if we e-mail him about the carpet puddles!"
"Tell him about the pile in the living room. It might get us a doggie door!"
"Why are you googling Puppy Love? I'm interested!""Why is there a spam filter? That stuff tastes good!"
"Tell Cesar Millan about our lack of exercise, discipline, and affection."
"Write that we're the cutest little brown-nosers you ever did see!"
"He still blames the maid for changing his password every day!"
Kris Voy, Trinity

"Book me a trip too to that Cat Man Doo place."
Phil Valla, Greensboro

"You're brighter than I am. I barely know Come."
"Snoopy couldn't get into as much on his typewriter!"
Kris Voy, Trinity

Tell your girlfriend's cousin I'm tall and handsome with a dignified bark.
Bill Briggs, Greensboro

"Stop dogging the computer."
"When is my turn."
"Don't look now, but the owner is standing behind us."
"Is that the Playdog web site?"
"Check to see if I got any e-mail."
"Make sure to erase our footprints."
"Here comes our owner".
"Quick! Make like a stupid dog."
James E. Ferrell, McLeansville

Dad, have I got to go back to Michael Vick's Obediance School this summer?
Robert Saunders, Madison

"Forget it Ralph, they've obviously installed a fat mailman filter."
"O.K, that's my face but I swear that ain't my body."
"I tell you what, she don't look a day over seven."
"My mouth's just watering looking at all of that spam."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

"O.K, next week, you'll be the pointer and I'll be the setter."
"All right, to fetch his paper, scroll over to News-Record and double click."
"Spay us will you? Click on E-bay and enter these numbers."
"It's my turn now so Roll over, Roll over."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

"When his boss gets this e-mail, then he'll feel neutered."
"O.K, that should disable the invisible fence but tomorrow, when the mailman comes, just act cool."
"Rex, why are you looking at... pictures....of.....cats?"
"Left click, left click, for gosh sakes, Frank, use your dewclaw."
"All right, pull up Fluffy's chart. Who knew she would get rabies?"
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
Really liked the "invisible fence" one here. Also the dew claw was cute.

1- Dog show entry? Remember it this way: w(oof) w(oof) w(oof). AKC. org.
2- See if they have pictures of all the dog catchers.
3- I sure wish that SPAM we receive was edible.
4- I wonder what Tuggle is saying about us.
Max Harless
Just read above, Max

1."Can you hear me now?"
2.Forgot my wife wasn’t here to give directions…..
3. Whaddya mean it aint part of the new bypass?
Jackie Auman, Asheboro

"Quick! Mom's coming...click onto the Disney site!"
Heli Benson, Greensboro

"Hey...surf the web for buried bones sites!"
Heli Benson, Greensboro

"Don't drink from the toilet, it will turn your character blue."
"That's not a tuxedo cat. That's a skunk. You lose points!"
"Virtual Frisbee Dog World Championship - what will they think of next?"
"You have your own Fosters and Smith Account? You go dawg."
Jon Barsanti, Greensboro

Google "bitch" and see what it says about you.
C. L. Sumpter, High Point

1. I guess this pretty much outdates the dogs playing poker paintings.
2. Sell all our owners shares of Microsoft and buy Purina.
3. Puppy Porn! No wonder you've been sniffing my butt so much.
C. L. Sumpter, High Point

"Well...you Ain't nothin' But a Hound Dog....but technically that's plagarism."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"When your Dad said 'Go Fetch Game', I don't think he meant 'Grand Theft Auto'."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"Well, since she's never really seen you, you're 5 ft. 11 in., turquoise blue eyes, love to laugh..."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"Google which restaurants have the best steak scraps."
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden

Here we go again...
"Make sure you save it in Microsoft WOOF format" (put a "tm" symbol after "woof")
"They're not even in heat yet, dude.. sick!"
"I'd like to sniff HER butt!"
"Send her the picture of me before I got fixed!"
Welp, I'm drawing blanks on this one. Maybe next week...
Eli Oklesh, Greensboro
And you still made the runners-up. Not bad

"Hey! Are you playing Virtual Checkers with Lassie??"
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden

"I never knew that dog shows could be x-rated!"
"Wow, who knew there was an x-rated version of the Westminster Dog Show?"
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden

"I wonder if they have chat rooms for dogs?"
"Do a search for chat rooms for dogs."
"Do a search for chat rooms for dog lovers."
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden

"Come On! Get off that thing and let's go howl at the moon."
"Howling at the moon is much more fun than playing on a computer."
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden

"This isn't exactly what I expected from www.DogLovers.com ."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"What do you mean by "Doggie Style'?"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"I'd be careful, Rex, you could be chatting with a puppy."
"Are you on that 'French Poodles in Heat' website again?"
"Wow, I didn't realize Lassie was that double-jointed!"
"What's Benji doing with that midget?"
"That's it.that's it.rub her face in it!"
"All you do is surf the 'net and 'wag your tail'!"
"Wait a second! Is that Eliot Spitzer and a collie?"
"Are you watching that "2 Poodles and a Cup" video again?"
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden
Loved the Lassie reference.

1. I hope the Kennel Club picks Mom for best in show.
2. How did you get Lassie's e-mail address?
3. See if you can get the fire hydrants again.
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden

"If I catch you on those websites one more time, I'll fix you myself!"
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

"Gee, all the single females on Mutt.com are a bunch of dogs!"
"Can we Google 'fire hydrants' next"?
"These Alpo Pop ups sure are annoying."
"Still no leads in the Sesame Street homicide."
"Sure we can go chase some cars but let's stay away from Sesame Street OK?"
"Wanna go play some fetch while your dial up wrestles with that Lassie clip?"
Gray Amick, Greensboro

"OK Moms gone. Go to becausetheycan.com."
David Downing, Greensboro

SNAIL MAIL
"Beam me up, Scottie."
Don Smith, Greensboro

1) "The anyomonous tip behind Michael Vick's arrest."
2) "No, no you spell it V-i-c-k."
3) "I wonder why his name is Snoop Doggy Dog?"
Chadd Habersham, Greensboro

"Delete all Bob Barker.com"
Frank Freeman, Greensboro

"Gosh, Snoopy, I can buy Alpo in the large cans cheaper at Wal-Mart and don't have to pay shipping charges."
David R. Joyce, Jr., Stokesdale