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Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com

Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.

LAST WEEK'S WINNER
So, whadda ya think of my selections? Agree? Disagree? Let me know what you think.
Leave a comment. Tell me your pick. Tell me why the ones I picked stink. Or, if you must, tell me how brilliant my choices are.

And now, our captions are being outsourced. Yes, that's right, the winner is from Canada. Ah, I remember the day when the U.S. made unquestionably the finest gags in the world. But alas, we grew fat and lazy and the quality started to drop off. And we failed to notice the trend toward lighter, more economical captions as we still clung to our big inefficient and wasteful jokes. And now this. Can we as a nation reclaim our place as caption-capital of the world? Tune in next week ...

BEST CULTURAL REFERENCE
It's Better than the skiing vending machine (Wallace and Grommit)
Jon Barsanti, Greensboro
I had to list this one as I'm a huge fan of Wallace and Grommit

BEST INSIDE JOKE
“But I was expecting a July 4th cartoon theme this week…”
Gray Amick, Greensboro Planetarium
I liked this, and we sorta have a July 4th theme THIS week, with the fireworks.

Honorable mention - Joel Clark took offense at my declaration last week that CC was uncatchable. - “We will program it to write our captions, even though CC’s uncatchable.“
I touched a nerve...

WINNER
"Son, I think it's time you knew. You're adopted."
Heidi Huber, Ontario, Canada

RUNNERS-UP
"What's with the Clinton and Obama stickers on the side?"
Stephanie Apple, Greensboro

"Quick turn back into a rock!"
Joel Clark, Greensboro

"Well maybe we got some ice crystals and maybe we ain't."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

"We need to re-think our immigration policy."
Debra S. Watson, Eden

"It's not fair, they get crop circles and we only get tire tracks."
Gray Amick, Greensboro Planetarium

My Native American friend says to take this very seriously.
Darrell Clark

"Ma, it followed me home. Can I keep it?"
Ken Layton, Carthage

I wish they'd send more Beatles music instead.
Eli Oklesh, Gibsonville
This was almost too obscure to make the list.

THE REST
1. Out of gas!
2. Looks like another hunk of junk to me.
3. Nice set of wheels!
4. Can you give us a ride!
5. We're lost, do you gave GPS.
6. Go, Wall-E, Wall-E, Wall-E!
7. I bet it's a gas guzzler.
8. He just doesn't have the same feelings that I have!
9. It's alive, it's alive!
10. Don't think you can roll over me!
11. You're lost, don't you have GPS?!
12. Stop polluting our world!
13. Wall-E, Go Home!
14. Do you think we can trade him in for ET?
15. He has to die for eyes.
16. Wall-E, take us home.
17. Son, stop bringing home strange aliens you don't know where they've been.
18. Far out!
19. He only has eyes for EVE.
20. He's so cute! 21. He's strange, his pet Dude is a cockroach.
22. He just don't fit in!
23. Is that Johnny 5 or Walle-E, they all look alike to me!
Nancy Nelson

"I think it's some kind of toaster."
"Mr. XYLzL, go check the immigation exclusion laws at once."
"Ma, it followed me home. Can I keep it?"
Ken Layton, Carthage

"Oh well, There goes the neighborhood!"
"Quick, duck, here it comes again!"
"I wonder if there is intelligent life where it comes from?"
"I think I saw that thing down by the river today!"
"I want to take a ride, but I couldn't find the saddle!"
"What's with the Clinton and Obama stickers on the side?"
Stephanie Apple, Greensboro

"Love the new outfit, but I'll bet it cost her a bundle."
Royce Riddick, Greensboro

24. Rolling, rolling, rolling!
25. Bet he can't do a wheelie!
26. Another oil guzzler!
27. Wonder if he's as smart as our Fifth Grader!
28. Sounds like another American Idol.
Nancy Nelson

"Not a very friendly feller, is he?"
Deb Moore, Graham
"It may be looking for water, let's offer it an Aquafina."
"It showed up in 69 same time Tiger Woods was practicing."
"Pretty fancy pooper scooper."
Rick Meehan, Graham
Reading these again, the pooper scooper one was worth serious consideration

29. Remember Mom said don't talk to strangers!
30. Mom warned us about strangers.
31. Wonder if it's edible!
32. It looks good enough to eat.
33. You first, no you first! 3
4. Is this what you call modern art!
35. Ask him to pop a wheelie for us.
36. How can this thing save our world?
37. I don't understand the need for these new-fangled inventions!
39. I knew I shouldn't have wished upon that star!
40. Holy Moly!
41. Mum's the word, Aliens don't really exist!
Nancy Nelson

"They say the gas mileage is great!"
Marilyn Ruberg , Greensboro

38. Hang Ten!
42. What are the fancy flaps for, do you think he can fly?
43. How much do you think it costs.
44. You broke it, you fix it!
45. It's just an expensive toy!
46. Boys and their toys.
47. I bet we can win the Soap Box Derby this year!
Nancy Nelson

"I thought you said your mother was getting "a little" work done"
Tricia Brassel, High Point

"Camera's rolling! Say "cheese."
Dorothy Meehan, Graham

1. I think I'm in love
2. So baby... what's your sign?
3. Well, at least this time they got the metric vs. English thing right...
4. This one's an oldie but a goody! New tires, chrome exterior, 20-year warranty...
5. I wonder how many MPG it gets.
6. Quick! Hide the oceans!!
7. Quick! Hide the water!!
8. Quick! Bury the ice!!
9. ...courtesy of 'Brewster Rockit: Space Guy!?' Who's that clown?!
10. What on God's red Mars...?
11. I wish they'd send more Beatles music instead.
Eli Oklesh, Gibsonville

"There goes the neighborhood!
Ellen Ashley, Greensboro
I was wondering how long it would take to get this entry.

Bet it can't even dance - just look at those straight legs!
Joan Lux ,Greensboro

Earthlings don't talk...all they do is make whizzing noises & beeps...
Ray Kislowski, Sr., McLeansville

What kind of mileage does that thing get?
J. C. Winkler, Greensboro

"Show off, he's from your fathers' side of the family!"
"With all that metal you'd think he’d be afraid of lightning."
"Oh no, another alien has landed, what are we to do with so many of them coming here?"
"Notice, he doesn't have a leg to stand on!"
"Star light, star bright first alien I see tonight!"
Patricia Comer

Looks alien to me.
Think Triple A could help?
It's Star Powered.
What does she have I don"t?
Does it suck gas?
Christine Keaton, Randleman
Christine, I liked the “triple A” one and the “ and the “What does she have I don't?” one. I included them on the short-list that I show the other judges. They didn’t survive the next round though.

"The robotic arm is a nice touch but they would have found us sooner if they just had a camera."
"An Alien!!!!"
"I thought they were intelligent life"
"What kind of name is NASA?"
"You said they didn't exist!!!"
"Skeptic turned believer"
"No one's gonna believe us"
"ebPfg hz d\i"
Park Groves, Greensboro
Some good ones here, but none that made it through.

He's too old for us if he starts doing the moonwalk.
He says he's here to pick up our recyclables.
Sounded like he said "paper bags" . . . our "heads."
Why does he keep asking if we ride horses?
He must have a real appetite for green cheese?
I bet his ringtone is "Blue Moon."
What does "beep . . . beep-beep . . .beeeeeeep" mean?
It's not like anything I studied in health and hygiene class.
Where's Miami?
He must have a real appetite for green cheese.
Joan Lux, Greensboro

"My mama said there would be boys like this, boys like this, my mama said..."
OR (shorter): "My mama said there would be boys like this....."
Marcia James

"Jeepers creepers, look at IT 's Peepers!"
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

"Pixar lied to us, this is not Wall-E!"
"And I thought that the humans looked weird at Stonehenge!"
Paul Smith, Asheboro

Sorry, pal. This ain't Mars.
Good try! You only missed that other planet by three trillion light years.
Bill Beerman, Greensboro

48. Meet Brewster Rockitt's running mate for intergalatic president.
49. Obama chose Wall-E instead of Hillary for his running mate!
50. Is this Dr. Mel's electromagnetic force?!
51. Where does the CD go?
52. Where does the DVD go?
53. Does it have a MPG player or an IPOD?
54. Smile, he's probably from Candid Camera!
55. Walle-E Go Home.
56. Good Golly it's Wall-E!
57. What do I say, he's the first movie star I've ever met?!
58. Smile you're on Candid Camera!
59. There's no such thing as aliens!
60. Your father doesn't approve of your dating aliens.
61. Hit the road Jack and don't you come back.....!
62. Don't get too close, it may be taking specimens back to its' home planet.
63. We're already on the endangered species list, so don't get too close.
64. Our planet is turning into a garage dump!
65. He's just some reject from another world!
66. Do you think we can recycle him?
67. When are we going to close our borders?
68. Reduce, Reuse and Recycle!
69. He says he wants us to go GREEN!!!
70. He'll do great in our Roller Derby.
72. Pop, what kind of games do you think he plays?!
73. Friend or Foe?!
Nancy Nelson
Number 67 was considered, but we received a a couple other entries along the same line. I gave the benefit to our snail-mailer simply because they are under-represented in the paper because they are often beaten to the punch-line through no fault of their own.

1. Not from around here are you?
2. He must work out. Look at the size of those solar panels!
3. He's on the quiet side but look at those pecs!
4. Must be the 2010 Prius.
5. Need to see your driver's license, proof of insurance and registration please.
6. I don't care what your travel agent told you; there isn't a Marriott within a million light years of here.
7. I'm a night person, you're a day person. I just don't see how our relationship can continue.
8. Okay guys, make it look real. If they don't think we made it to Mars we won't get funding for next year.
9. I don't know Zeldor, who will believe we actually encountered an ET. They're just going to say we had too many red dust shooters.
10. Straight ahead for a mile, then turn left, Wal-Mart will be on your right.
Noelle Polson, Jacksonville, FL

"Well, he did say it was great for day trips."
Steve Kindschi, Asheboro

1. So this is your new convertible.
2. What kind of gas mileage do you get?
Rose Bailey

"No it's not a UFO, it's an SUV."
Jim Bober, Greensboro, NC

"Your mother has put on a few solar panels"
Cheryl Bober, Greensboro
Nice

74. Don't touch!!
75. Those things carry all kinds of diseases that could wipe us out!
76. Who said EVERYBODY loves Wall-E?
77. Our world isn't a garbage dump.
78. How much do you think we'll get for him in our yard sale?!
79. Antiques go for big bucks these days!
80. He's "Lost In Space"!
81. Tin Man, where's Dorothy?
Nancy Nelson

"Intelligent life would have built something that could talk to us."
There are no gas stations on Mars. What a Terrain.
This is what your planet looks like after the fossil fuel is gone.
You were expecting ET?
No, we aren't all gray!
What do you mean you are xenophobic?
You were expecting Bi-Peds?
Ooo - Nice Wheels.
It's Better than the skiing vending machine (Wallace and Grommit)
Is this your first visit to our planet?
Sorry - no Starbucks here.
Jon Barsanti, Greensboro

"Wouldn't you just know it? One of the Jonz family is the first to transvolve into a hex rotary solar powered creature."
Jonathan Sparrow, Greensboro

1."I BET HE'S AN ILLEGAL ALIEN."
2."THIS WAS CHEAPER THAN CABLE."
3."SO HOW MANY CHANNELS CAN WE GET?"
4."NOW WE CAN SPY ON THE NEIGHBORS."
5."I WONDER HOW MUCH WE CAN GET FOR THIS THING AT THE PAWN SHOP?"
6."IT'S A BRIBE FROM BREWSTER ROCKET HE WANTS TO VISIT."
7."BIG BROTHER IS WATCHING US."
PAULA HAIRSTON, GREENSBORO

"I don't care if it WAS on sale!"
"You're old enough to know. I'm not your father. Your mother had an one-night-stand with Spudnik."
"Weren't you in the least suspicious when he asked for a screwdriver?"
"That thing's NEVER going to get off the ground!"
"Must you bring home every piece of space-junk?"
"That's going to cost us a FORTUNE in gas!"
"Marge, those parts look suspiciously like my satellite dish!"
"THIS is what your expensive university degree gets us?"
"For THIS you spent four years in university?"
"That boy is so grounded!"
"The Borg!! There goes the neighbourhood!"
"I TOLD you not to invite them. But NOOOOOO. Do you listen to me?"
"I don't care if it gets great mileage, I wouldn't be caught dead in that!"
"Son, I think it's time you knew. You're adopted."
"Why didn't you TELL me your mother was coming to visit?"
"Doesn't he look handsome in his uniform? They're invading the third rock from the sun, you know."
Heidi Huber, Sault Ste. Marie, Ontario, Canada
Some other strong entries besides the one that won, eh?

Water? We didn't even have Chai Tea until Starbucks showed up.
David Robinette, Greensboro

"THERE GOES THE NEIGHBORHOOD."
"DO YOU THINK HE HAS HEARD OF WD40?"
Sue Minor, High Point

1. Don't worry, my son made it with his Erector set.
2. It'll never replace my Suburban.
3. The face bears a strange resemblance to my Mother-In-Law.
4. I'd rather see $6.00 gas then drive that
5. NASA is at it again.
6. Doesn't NASA ever quit?
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden

1) "Quick turn back into a rock!"
2) "How many MP3's do you think it will hold?"
3) "If it's anything like us it will want to see our leader."
4) "That better be a hybrid!"
5) "We will program it to write our captions, even though CC's uncatchable."
Joel Clark, Greensboro

82. Look what managed to get thru our black hole!
83. Did he "Short Circuit"?
84. KITT is way cooler!
85. He chose ROSIE instead of R2D2 for his running mate in the galactic election!
Nancy Nelson

"Don't worry, there'll be another along in a minute!".
Keith Peddie, Greensboro

"Smile! It is taking our picture!"
"That's a nice set of solar panels!"
"Hi. Mom!"
"We need a goalie. Do you think it plays soccer?'
"Wow! It's that new zero-carbon six-wheeler!"
"Your dad looks cool!"
"This is the new bus our government promised?!"
"A date? I don't know. She looks a bid aggressive!"
"Nice! I wouldn't kick it our of my room!"
"Earthlings are certainly ugly!"
"It runs on Every Ready batteries!"
"No resemblance at all to R2D2"
"I hope it cleans up after itself"
"It wants to shake hands?"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

1. Car dealers will go anywhere to make a sale.
2. What is Junior going to think of next?
3. Well Dear, this is the only one in stock at the dealers. Do you want it or not?
4. What idiot dreamed up this monstrosity?
5. Here come the earthlings. There goes the neighborhood.
6. We've got to sell it, dear, gasoline prices have gone up to 14 cents a gallon.
7. It operates on solar power but we don't get any sun on this side of the moon
8. There is a big drought on earth in North Carolina so they sent up this thing to look for water.
Dave Sheets, Greensboro

1. "If we had thumbs I bet it would stop."
2. "Dude, I think it’s WALLE."
3. "It's from Earth - must be looking for oil."
Tom Norman, Greensboro

so that's what "intelligent" life on planet earth look like?
Luis Mendoza

They are making robots look more Martian like everyday.
Here comes the neighborhood.
Don't feed it are it will never leave.
Darn illegals ! They're gonna take our jobs !
Mom can we keep it ?
Nice.......six wheel drive !!!
It's to bad we're drunk. Now nobody will believe we saw an alien craft.
As a joke, we will let it over hear us saying we are gonna blow up the Earth .
I bet they're lost .
Going by his tattoos, his name is NASA .
Did he just flash us with gang signs ?
What's a nice girl like her doing in a place like this ?
I just assumed they'd be in jumpsuits .
My Native American friend says to take this very seriously .
Yo baby, do fries come with that shake?
Darrell Clark, Winston-Salem

"Is it me, or is she just a teensy bit over-dressed?"
"Sure, it looks good, but it'll never pass Nascar's official inspection."
Reta S. Beck, Greensboro

"Where is the sex starved astronaut lady?"
David Downing, Greensboro

1. "I THINK HE'S TRYING TO DO THE MOONWALK".
2. "YOUR GIRL IS LOVELY HUBBLE"
3. "SMILE"
4. "SAY CHEESE
Paula Hairston, Greensboro

86. Hope that it doesn't run on WATER!
Nancy Nelson

"He moves and makes noises, but I can't get a word out of him."
Dave Derence, Greensboro

"Hey Spider Man, you try to swallow me and I'll bite your tonsils!"
mrvtoon
... hmmm ... Another time-warp caption?

Do you believe in God or Evolution?
Is there a God?
Where's the nearest restroom?
Are you a boy or a girl?
I like your wheels.
We were about to invent shoes but now we want wheels.
Do you have any loose change?
We've never needed noses before you arrived
Bill Lawson, Stoneville

"Martin you are so lucky to be on Pimp my Ride."
"Don't shoot, we're unarmed."
"License and Registration."
"I'm sorry, we thought you said you needed a soiled sample."
"Well, I guess you should have taken a right at Albuquerque."
"Hurry up Henry, the PART bus is here."
"Our leader is under indictment so how 'bout the head of our Human Resources?"
"Like hey man, we don't know nothin' 'bout no ice crystals."
"Well maybe we got some ice crystals and maybe we ain't."
"I'm afraid he's mostly machine now."
"The force is strong with this one."
"Looks like another stray from the Lazy W."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
I also liked the Lazy W stray. clever

"I'm pretty sure it's the male of the species driving. The female would have asked for directions by now."
"I always wanted one of these when I was little, but Dad said I would put my eye out."
"You gotta admit, their toys are cooler than ours."
"There's goes the neighborhood."
"Wonder if Tim Rickard's Neighborhood Rules still apply.
CC Cockerham, Greensboro
I really liked the female driver one, but oddly, none of our other judges picked that one.

"But I was expecting a July 4th cartoon theme this week…"
"Thank goodness we didn’t do any landscaping this spring."
"If it goes for a body crevice I swear I’ll vaporize it."
"Let’s retaliate with a cattle mutilation tonight."
"I’d gladly donate a pint of body fluid in exchange for the first season of ‘My Favorite Martian’ on DVD."
"It’s not fair, they get crop circles and we only get tire tracks."
Gray Amick, Greensboro

1. "It is sad. They say his mother took Thalidomide."
2. "I know it sounds awful, but all those Landers look alike to me."
3. "Talk about bad breath."
4. "The last thing you are supposed to do is run."
5. "Will this be on YouTube?”
Ken Miller, Greensboro

SNAIL MAIL
"If that's Mary Poppins, I'm gone."
"Looks like Yodas pick-up!"
Frank Freeman, Greensboro

"We need to re-think our immigration policy."
Debra S. Watson, Eden
I enjoy your comics. As an amateur cartoonist I appreciate all the work you put into them.

"Her face is not much but look at those legs."
Bill Jones, Greensboro

"I want to go into space!"
"OMG, it’s Jake Gyllenhaal"
Sandra K. Ramsey, High Point
Sandra says it’s a line from “October Sky"

"Would you really leave me for that blockhead?"
Martha Willis, Greensboro

Told ya! Same sex marriages do not work!
No name given

Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com

Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.

LAST WEEK'S WINNER
So, whadda ya think of my selections? Agree? Disagree? Let me know what you think.
Leave a comment. Tell me your pick. Tell me why the ones I picked stink. Or, if you must, tell me how brilliant my choices are.

America reclaims the caption title this week. U.S.A.! U.S.A.!
We got a lot of captions about smoking, short fuses, duds and playing with matches. Needless to say, those all canceled each other out. What was left was an interesting array of thinking-outside-the-box captions that were a lot more varied than I expected considering the subject matter. There are more worthy entries below. Need more incentive to read further? How ‘bout this Bob Mannary Haiku?

ahem.

He Had Just One Chance...
A Single Moment To Shine...
He Farted Instead.

Beautiful, wasn't it?
BEST PUN
Lots to choose from, But I liked this one from snail-mailer Bill Wallace of High Point:
“Looks like Fred met his match.”

BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE
"That was terrific Daffy, they loved you...they want more..."
"I hope he kept his papers numbered for just such an emergency..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro
Bob, there's not a Loony Tunes reference you can throw at me that I won't get.

BEST INSIDE JOKE
This one from last week's winner, expressing her own experience, maybe?
All I know is that she got an e-mail from some guy named Rickard ...
Heidi Huber

WINNER
"They blow up so fast, don't they?"
G.H. Totten, Siler City
One of the first entries and just about everyones' favorite.

RUNNERS-UP
“Sad, he always wanted to take someone’s thumb with him.”
Joel Clark, Greensboro

“It will definitely be a closed casket service.”
Bill Wallace, High Point

Honest, you can barely notice it.
Darrell Clark, Winston-Salem

"The last thing he said was, ‘Watch this ...’”
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

Gesundheit
Frank Freeman, Greensboro

"Show-off!"
Rob Black, High Point

"He got his 15 seconds of fame."
Jon Barsanti Jr, Greensboro

"Ouch, there goes our act!"
Dennis LaJeunesse

“He’s in a better place now, in fact, a lot of better places.“
Joel Clark, Greensboro

"Short career."
Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro

(Two more that would have been added if we had the room)
"Hold on Henry, we have to wait ten minutes before we can check on you."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
I assume this is standard fireworks safety protocol, but not enough of us were familiar with it.
Still, I liked the idea a lot.

"He was always a quiet neighbor; pretty much kept to himself."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

And still, plenty more good ones below.
THE REST
"So much for anger management."
"Wow. All those weeks of anger management classes....wasted."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro
Good one.

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"
G.H. Totten, Siler City

"Dude...that blows!"
"That was terrific Daffy, they loved you...they want more..."
"The Surgeon General warned him about this..."
"I told him that he needed to quit smoking..."
"The Doctor told him to quit smoking..."
"Too much Viagra..."
"Bless You..."
"Gesundheit..."
"I'm not cleaning this up..."
"I told him not to pick at it..."
"Possible side effects included dizziness, dry mouth, nausea, constipation...ah...that must've been it..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

I told him to keep a check on that blood pressure.
He listened to "Light My Fire" one time too many.
You always said he was a hothead.
I thought you said you were gonna dump him because he was a dud.
Ginger ale and pop rocks candy just don't mix.
Don and Shari Phillips, Reidsville

"This quality control idea is kind of final!"
"I told him he should go to that anger management class!"
"I told him that smoking would kill him!"
"He really blew his top that time!"
"Mr. Monk thinks its a homicide."
"It wasn't me, I can't light a match!"
"He celebrates early and we're left with the mess."
"I thought we agreed that we all go together?"
"Showoff!"
"MMMM, that wonderful aroma of gunpowder!"
"I'm not going next, you go next."
"...the rockets red glare, the bombs bursting in air..."
"THAT'S what the fuse is for!"
"What? I can't hear a thing!"
"He went out with a bang!"
"That was dynamite!"
"I told him if he played around he could blow himself up."
"Yep, you're right. Those South Carolina firecrackers are louder."
"He was homesick for Tennessee."
"All the way from China and one little spark sets him off!"
Rob Black, High Point
You had a couple more make the short list

"I thought Sparklers were safe..."
"The last thing he said was, "Watch this..."
"I told him we shouldn't have Mexican for lunch..."
"I thought he was just holding his breath..."
"He was saying something about Painter Blvd, then the Urban Loop, then New 40/Old 40, I-73 then BLAM!"
"I hope he kept his papers numbered for just such an emergency..."
"Looks like we're gonna need another Timmy..."
"Always shooting your mouth off huh Earl?"
"Wow...you really CAN light a fart..."
"Another member of the Blue Flamers..."
"Uh...Bless You??"
"Well...this one is going to be tough to explain..."
"I think we're going to miss curfew..."
"See...this is why you should ALWAYS use sunscreen..."
"Mental Note...going blind is NOT the worst thing that can happen..."
"Hmmph...Mom always said we'd just go blind...this is infinately worse..."
"OJ did it..."
"Maybe if we just fold the flaps over nobody will notice???"
"Well...he was right...that WAS pretty awesome..."
"Show Off..."
"I really hate the smell of fireworks..."
"Looks like the Grasshoppers lost again..."
"I always thought Jim had had a Vasectomy..."
"See...THIS is why we shouldn't play together without adult supervision..."
"I have to admit...this IS a bit of a buzz-kill..."
"Suddenly I'm not very hungry..."
"At least we don't need a mop..."
"Can you get me the Dustbuster..."
"Duct Tape...just get me some Duct Tape...and a marker..."
"My old man is a television repairman, he's got this ultimate set of tools. I can fix it"
"Hey man, just be glad I had fast reflexes..."
"We need a plan...Do you still have your Mr. Potato Head?"
"I told him he shouldn't try to rekindle his romance with an old flame..."
"At least nobody's rectum was involved..."
"It's worse than that...he's dead Jim."
"He just always had to have the last word..."
"Well...at least he went out with a bang..."
"Rectum? Looks like it KILLED him!"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro
Good night folks, don’t forget to tip your waitresses …

"Ooops..."
"Check please..."
"I always said we was wrapped a little too tight..."
"I don't remember him eating that..."
"Would you look at that...Made in China..."
"Now how am I going to explain this to O.S.H.A...."
"364 days without an accident and now this..."
"Oh well...364 days without an accident is still a new factory record..."
"Back to the drawing board..."
"Mental Note: A Taser Is Not A Toy."
"Look at that...you can count the rings..."
"That was one heck of a big pimple..."
"I told him not to pick at it..."
"Show Off..."
"He could've at least said 'Excuse Me'..."
"I told him smoking would kill him one day..."
"Let's hear Phillip Morris try and dodge this one..."
"I never should've Double-Dog dared him..."
"She gets like this every month..."
"I said BUD Light..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro
Some good stuff here.
My favorites were the goofier ones like “check please” and “made in China”

"Well, At least he went out with a bang!!"
"This happens every 4th of July! My friends start disappearing around me!
Hey?! Where did he go?"
"My Pop used to be bigger than your Pop!"
Stephanie Apple, Greensboro

"I always told you "Pop" had a short fuse"
Bob Shields, Greensboro

"If we told him once, we told him a thousands times,"Don't play with matches"
?"I guess we shouldn't have called him Boomer"
"He sure did light up the room"
Rick O'Reilly, Greensboro

1. What a blast!
2. Rockets red flare...!
3. That's the bomb!
4. He went out with a blast!
5. Blast it!
6. I smell smoke!
7. Where's the nearest foxhole!
8. He's taking care of business.
9. I wonder if he's in the black hole.
10.It's a sign of things to come.
11. You think he's in Heaven?
12. Heaven bound!
13. This stinks!
14. Hat's off to you!
15. Where there's Smoke there's Fire.
16. Another Terrorist!
17. I prefer sparklers myself.
18. This fallout is hot!
19. It's a hot time in the old town tonight!
20. Obama isn't the only bomb around here!
21. That Dude was no Dud!
22. I have but one life to give to my country!
Nancy Nelson

"Call Homeland Security! He was a terrorist disguised as a firecracker."
"I warned him he'd blow off his fingers."
"He just couldn't wait 'til tonight's program."
Ken Layton, Carthage

"He just had a temper tantrum"
Betty Joyce, Eden
Tempur tantrums are good, too many of them though.

"Huh...Pop Rocks and Coke are a bad, bad combination..."
"Well...first he downed a Diet Pepsi and then chased it with the Mentos..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

Huh. I always heard he was a dud.
Karen Burns, Greensboro

"Well, sweep up and get ready!"
"You were wrong. He wasn't a dud!"
"Well, he wasn't a dud!"
"Bring in the backup cheery bomb!"
"He wanted to be a sparkler!"
"He had a short fuse!"
"See, smoking is bad for your health!"
"Someone reset his watch and he went early. Clearly a case of crackercide!"
"Ouch, there goes our act!"
"He came from an unstable Chinese fireworks factory"
"He has gone to the Big Display in the sky"
"Collect his remains and place them in our ceremonial dumpster"
"I don't know who to notify. His parents blew up last year"
"I warned him that if he didn't control that temper, he could blow his top!"
"Playing with matches again..."
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

23. Did a terrorist do that?
24. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
25. A patriot to the end!
25. What patriotism!
26. How can I improve on that?!
27. What a fire ball!
28. What's all the oohing and aweing about?!
29. I told him not to blow his top!
30. Baby please don't light my fire!
31. A blast from the past!
32. I just had a flashback!
33. New York's skyline will never be the same!
34. Show off!
35. See you later!
36. What a way to go!
37. We have blast off!
38. Goodbye old friend.
39. The sky's the limit!
40. I'm fired up and ready to go!
41. You're next ,no you're next!
42. Boy I sure wish I was on that deserted island.
43. He's fizzling out!
44. Did I hear The Screamer?
45. Think this would inspire an artist!
Nancy Nelson

1) I told him not to play with matches!
2) Guess he was made in China?
3) I'm getting fed up with his temper tantrums!
4) And you said he was a real dud!
5) It's sad--we were planning a real blast tomorrow!
6) So much for the life of the party!
7) He couldn't wait! Our big show is tomorrow.
Bill Beerman, Greensboro
Tantrums – promising.A few others had the same idea, though.

Uncle Joe ate too many baked beans at the family picnic...
Ray Kislowski, Sr., McLeansville

Damn! We lose some of our best friends on July the 4th.
Joseph G. Lucchetti

"I told him not to work his head off on that project!"
Marcia James, Jamestown

46.That was dynomite!!
47. Dy-no-mite!
48. We'll tell them we're illegals and maybe the'll just deport us.
49. When it comes to fireworks, they don't care about polluting the air!!
Nancy Nelson

1. Why does dad blow up every time I ask him about the facts of life?
2. All I said was BOO!
Robert Atwood, Greensboro

"Looks like Richard finally laughed his head off"
Joan Hunt, Greensboro

"Was it something I Said?"
Ken Hunt, Greensboro

"He sure has a short fuse."
Ken Hunt, Greensboro

I guess it doesn't pay to have a short fuse.
Loretta Newnam, Summerfield

"Well, at least he went out with a bang!"
Jack Alford, Greensboro

He just exploded....
The Canadian's lost their colorful fire......
He died a Patriot......
He sure was a colorful character.
Independence was never so beautiful.
Christine Keaton, Randleman

1. “Don’t be sad, somewhere a little universe was just created.”
2. “I tried to tell him not to get involved with a sparkler.”
3. “Somebody stop me - I feel a pun coming on.”
4. “Just ignore him, he’s always popping off about something.”
5. “I’m not surprised, he always had a short fuse.”
6. “You see, this is what happens when you play with people who play with matches.”
Tom Norman, Greensboro
Liked number two a lot.

"Well, Sparky always did have a short fuse."
"I guess you're right - when he asked for a light, I should have just ignored him"
"I told him he should stop smoking!"
Joe Weiss, Greensboro

"I can't wait until the terrible two's are over!"
"So he really is a crackhead."
"Hey, I saw him on Deal or Dud last week."
Kris Voy, Trinity
“Terrible twos” I like that.

"He was always a quiet neighbor......"
"He was always a quiet neighbor; pretty much kept to himself."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"We better scrub the mission...I think his cover's blown..."
"Nothing good ever happens after midnight..."
"All I said was 'Boo...'"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

"Well, Snap, it looks as if Crackle got to the party first."
"He got his 15 seconds of fame."
"There's no such thing as a 'free launch.'
"What a hot head."
"He had a short fuse, anyway."
"No More 'Pop Goes the Weasel."
"He showed his stripes."
"At least he went out with a bang."
"That's what I call a Jalepeno Popper."
"If a fireworks goes off during the day, does anybody see it?"
Jon Barsanti Jr., Greensboro

I knew that one day he'd blow his top.
Now THAT'S what you call an explosive personality.
His last words were "What warning label?"
I TOLD him to turn down that invitation to the Independence Day party.
His wife told him she wants a divorce.
Whoa! I've never seen a guy go to pieces like that!
Made in China, eh?
He was just playing with the kids, when, all of a sudden, POP goes the weasel!
All I know is that she got an e-mail from some guy named Rickard ...
Heidi Huber

"That short fuse cost him ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

I said three was a crowd...then boom!
He was flamboyant to the very end.
He's just a burnt out shell of himself.
I told you she wore to much powder....
Hey Curly, Moe blew up again...
Do you think the Canadian Mounties will ask questions?
Christine Keaton, Randleman
“Too much powder.” Not bad …

" Doc said it was spontaneous combustion ! "
"At least he went out with a BANG ! "
" Told him not to play with matches ! "
" Our trio is now a duet ! "
" And it's three, two, one, BLAST ! "
" Stop singing 'Come on Baby Light My Fire, ' NOW !
" Short Fuse blew his top ! "
" Who called him a DUD ? "
" Why did you call him a DUD ? "
" You shouldn't called him a dud ! "
" He was no DUD ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

The Technic got lost in the pyro.
The Big Bang Theory is safe.
I bet he knows how Michael Jackson felt.
The Olympic Committee fired him.
JJ was about Good Times and a "Dynomite!" display.
He celebrated way into the night......sky.
Christine Keaton, Randleman
The Michael Jackson one was intriguing …

1-I'm his Pop & he's a pop!
2-Temper, temper, temper!
3-He's just a shell of his former self.
4-Some tantrum, eh?
5-He tried to take "charge." Look what it left him!
6-Meaculpa. We shouldn't have allowed him his own fuse 'til he got his license.
7-Some company must have bid awfully low to construct this dud.
Max Harless
Liked the tantrum, one. Too many others with that theme though.

He was always self conscious about his short fuse, but in the end his "premature detonation" was his downfall.
Duane Guthrie, Greensboro
Potential good gag here about the “premature detonation” I like that term. But, you tried to work in two gags (short fuse) and that always diminishes both. Simplify. How ‘bout “He suffered from premature detonataion.”

1."The last thing he said was I'm so mad I could explode".
2."He always was a real hot head".
3."He always starts celebrating the 4th too early."
4."He thought he was suppose to audition to be a firework"
5."I told him not to use that match as a toothpick."
6."He just found out his dad was only a sparkler and not dynamite."
7."All I said was firecracker, firecracker, boom boom boom."
Paula Hairston, Greensboro

1) " He's in a better place now, in fact, a lot of better places . "
2) " For us this is natural causes. "
3) " No !! I said grow up !!
4) "They're not to good at this but we could call the King and his men ."
5) " Shall I take that as a no ? "
6) " And I just bought him a hat for his birthday . "
7) " That's what happens when you hang out with candles . "
8) " He's always had a short fuse . "
9) " Wow !!! He's never hit that note before. "
10) " Fun Fourth ? ...For who ? "
11) " Gross !! I got brains in my eye . "
12) " That's gonna leave a scar . "
13) " You can say that again...well maybe not . "
14) " Sad, he always wanted to take someone's thumb with him . "
15) " When she said she'd rather die than go out with me, she wasn't bluffing . "
Joel Clark, Greensboro
Great stuff as usual, Joel

50. He was a good POP.
51. Pop goes the Weasel!
52. There goes the ozone!
53. We have lift off!
54. Haven't they heard of noise pollution!!
55. Bang!
56. Snap, Crackle, Pop!
57. Too much gunpowder!!
58. Glory, glory, Hallelujah! 57. He's in the Dead Zone! 58. I see star potential!
Nancy Nelson

" He really gave them a BANG for their buck ! "
" Makes you look deep inside yourself, doesn't it ! "
" Wow ! That's really spilling your guts. "
" Always said he alot of intestinal fortitude. "
" Definitely time for a gut check, I'd say. "
" Boy, was I ever mistaken, thought he was the silent type.'
" All the King's horses and all the King's men, couldn't put short fuse together again."
" Think they will charge us for disturbing the peace ? "
" Have you heard about Short Fuse, it's all over town ! "
" Guess it's time to pick up his bits and pieces
" Where's the broom ? "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington, NC

Do you want to go next?
Did the martians take him?
There goes his NASA career...
Ralph finally tried sending Alice to the moon.....
Love is in the air.
Ray, Boom Boom, Mancini is down........and out.
Christine Keaton, Randleman

I always told him not to play with humans
He was born with a short fuse
Well he went out with a bang
All we have left is a dirty diaper
Don Rankin, Greensboro

He went out with a bang......
It was a explosive 4th of July.
Who is next?
What was he fired up about?
What did he explode over?
Darrell Brown, Randleman

Not much left.
Hollow isnt he.
Partied till he popped.
We are a boom then nothingness.....
Shall we use him a trash can?
Christine Keaton, Randleman

"I guess he wasn't such a dud after all."
David Robinette, Rockingham County

"One...Two...Thr....Two and a half."
"Earlier today, the monkey was chasing him around the mulberry bush."
"I always wondered about that nitroglycerin prescription."
"Well thank goodness he was wearing clean shorts."
"Quick, stop that kid with the sparkler."
"Hold on Henry, we have to wait ten minutes before we can check on you."
"See I told you not to run with the lighter."
"Durn fool. He stopped and dropped but he just wouldn't roll."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
Some nice ones, Joel

Man, he really did have to use the restroom.
I had to do it, he know to much !
Honest, you can barely notice it .
Walk it off big guy !
He's gonna feel that in the morning .
It's worse than you thought, he owes me money .
Gesundheit ???
It's a cool trick but you can only do it once .
He should try Dapoxetine to help with that problem .
So, that's why they say not to play with matches !
I begged him to quit smoking .
He's always had a tendency to blow his top, but never like that .
His brother died the same way. Come to think of it we all die that way .
What the heck was THAT ?!!!
Make that the 2 musketeers .
That's one irritable bowel .
Darn it ! My mouth was open .
That's his imitation of Britney Spears career .
Talk about a drama queen .
All he did was sneeze .
Ohh man !! I shot Marvin in the face !!!
Nobody move till we find out what caused that .
Him fall down !! Him go BOOM !!!
Gross, you can see his insides .
I guess that's the bombs bursting in air part .
Darrell Clark, Winston-Salem
A lot of good ones in here Darrell

" He blew it."
"I told him smoking would not be good for him."
"Impatience!"
" I don't like the way things are looking."
"Boy! That was an eye-opener."
" Before he blew up, he said he was from South Carolina."
" Short fuse!"
"I told him not to eat the hot chili."
James E. Ferrell, McLeansville, NC

1. "Short career."
2. "I never thought Fred would go postal."
3. "No more D-List for her."
4. "We're like bees, do it once and that's it."
Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro

All the king's horses and all the king's men . . . .
I thought it was the school's job to teach him about the dangers of . . . .
Said he didn't want to stay around for the fireworks on November 4, 5, 6, 7 . . . .
He bragged about being from "South of the Border."
One less birthday present to buy this year.
Will the insurance policy still pay off?
The neighbors seem happy that there's one less firecracker.
He was just so full of himself.
He never did get the hang of the "ssssssss" sound at the start.
I think that's called a "dud"!
I warned him about popping off at the mouth.
Joan Lux, Greensboro
I liked the “one less birthday” one.

What got him all fired up?
He was really hot-under-the-collar.
He asked if I wanted to see his pop.
He said he wanted to get ahead of the storm.
Dwight Hicks, Greensboro
Died on the 4th of July!
Cheryl Bober, Greensboro

So much for my "big bang" theory.
Jim Bober, Greensboro

1.All I said was, "calm down, don't blow your top."
2. It's a crewcut.
3. He's only three years old.
4. He had a short fuse.
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden

“He just had to prove he wasn’t a dud.”
“You should have never called him a dud.”
“We warned him about playing with matches.”
“His last words were ‘snap, crackle, and ...’”
“Let’s respect his request to have his remains cremated.”
“Come to think of it, she had been complaining about hot flashes lately.”
Gray Amick, Greensboro
Liked the hot flashes one.

59. It's the Big Bang Theory.
60. It's Big Bang Theraphy!
61. That's getting a big bank for your buck!
62. More Bang for your Buck!
Nancy Nelson

“Short fuse.”
Larry Tyrell, Stokesdale

Humpty Dumpty's crew working tonight?
Christine keaton, Randleman

"What a show-off"
"Wait until I tell his Pop"
John Lonergan, Whitsett

"And everyone thought that I was the stupid one"
John Lonergan, Whitsett

SNAIL MAIL
“Sorry Mom and Dad, my Vesuvius temper got the best of me”
Sam Meyerhoffer, Greensboro

“Fred’s wife said he had a short fuse.”
“Looks like Fred met his match.”
“That’s Fred all over.”
“Al-Qaeda wannabe.”
“Everybody said he was a bomb waiting to go off.”
“He’d been reading Pyrotechnics Made Easy.”
“He just asked me for a light.”
“He was playing kitchen match roulette.”
“Who’s going to tell his wife Cherry.”
“It will definitely be a closed casket service.”
“Maybe giving him a Zippo for his birthday was a bad idea.”
“I’m not sure….it was all over in a flash?”
“He forgot to stop, drop, and roll.”
“Coroner? No, call a street sweeper.”
“Judging by the blast radius, I’d guess an M-80.”
“Some dumb kid mistook him for a birthday candle.”
Bill Wallace, High Point

“I tried to tell you he was a young upstart.”
Susan Sterken, Burlington

“The Surgeon General Warned him.”
“Gesundeit”
Frank Freeman, Greensboro

“I thought you told him not to play with matches.”
Sandra Callahan, Greensboro

“All I said was, I’m Pregnant!”
Sandra Callahan

Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com

Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.

LAST WEEK'S WINNER
So, whadda ya think of my selections? Agree? Disagree? Let me know what you think.
Leave a comment. Tell me your pick. Tell me why the ones I picked stink. Or, if you must, tell me how brilliant my choices are.

This is one of those weeks where every judge picked a different cartoon. When that happens, I am the tie-breaker. One of our criteria for picking a winner is how close the caption sticks to the subject matter. We got a lot of amusing captions (“tastes like chicken” frog licking, secretions, etc.) that didn’t really match the subject at hand: The Princess kissing the frog. Don’t get me wrong, these were funny, but off the real subject. Better still were the slightly risqué ones we got (I’m looking at you, Bob Beitzel), but decided we shouldn’t print. Fortunately, that’s why we have the blog.

WINNER
“We just met and you're already trying to change me.”
Tom Norman, Greensboro

RUNNERS-UP
“I’m not real. You dropped acid about a ½ hour ago.“
Joel Clark, Greensboro

"Forget the kiss. For real fun, give me a lick."
Stephen Botts, Greensboro

"Uhm... have you tried eHarmony?"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

"When you said you liked my legs, I thought you meant on me!!!"
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

I am the frog formerly known as "Prince"
David Holley, Greensboro

No, I don't taste like Chicken.
Jon Barsanti Jr, Greensboro

The guys in the pond warned me about you.
Christine Keaton, Randleman

I've got butterflies in my stomach, but that's nothing new.
Deadpan, Winston-Salem

BEST/WORST PUN
Please help me, my car got toad.
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden

And runner-up …
Warts the matter?
David Downing, Greensboro

BEST INSIDE JOKE
Hands down, the winner is …
“Really? He actually sent in a haiku last week?”
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

Runner-ups:
"Hey, what are you doing with those two firecrackers?"
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
“Really, I’m Tim Rickard. A disgruntled reader put a spell on me.”
Marsha Elam, Greensboro

BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE
This wins simply because I had to Google it.
‘You have the wrong frog. I turn into Prince Fielder.”
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

And for those of us who just can’t get enough Loony Toon references …
"Hello my baby, hello my honey, hello my ragtime gal..."Stephen Botts, Greensboro & Bob Mannary, Greensboro
I drove this one guy nuts by singing the MADISON RAG only when he was by himself.
TIM TRIBBETT
(Actually, it’s the “Michigan Rag”)

BEST CAPTION THAT GOT LOST IN A TIME-WARP
OK, for some reason lately, I’ve been getting a lot of captions that go with older cartoons. I got one a week or so ago that went with the first ever Jokes On You cartoon.
This one, I think, was meant to go with the Mars rover art two weeks ago.
Imagine that, Rover, because it fetches.
Will Brown

"MATURE" CAPTIONS
Even if I'm not a Prince, did you see the tongue ?
Deadpan, Winston-Salem

You heard it wrong, you have to sleep with me .
How do you feel about friends with benefits ?
Darrell Clark, Winston-Salem

"How long is my tongue? What do you have in mind?"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

"I'm not in the mood but hold on and I'll take something."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

"Listen girlie, a kiss no longer cuts it, now you have to...."
Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro

5.If a kiss doesn't work I know some other stuff we can try baby.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

"I said Ribbit...not Rub It..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

"Seven dwarves? I should be checking you for warts!"
"Yes, my tongue is long and sticky. Why do you keep asking me that?"
"Wanna see my tadpole?"
"Trust me, you don't want to lick what I'm secreting."
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

One kiss makes me a prince. Wanna see what second base gets ya?
The Jaguar

THE REST
"Well, you're no Miss Piggy."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"He doesn't even have to be a prince - just a guy with a decent job would do!
Ken Miller, Jamestown

You think THAT was a kiss?!
Bob Muir, Greensboro

Come on, Sweetie -- make my eyes bug out.
You aren't buying the "prince" story? Let's have a few beers and talk it over.
Would a few beers help you believe my "prince" story?
I own expensive real estate -- a pond in Greensboro that STILL has water!
But you eat pig lips in potted meat.
No collagen here -- they're big lips naturally.
Joan Lux, Greensboro

"Hello My Baby...Hello My Honey...Hello My Ragtime Gal..."
"Just one kiss and I'll turn into a handsome cartoonist..."
"I hope that's your thumb..."
"I promise...I won't stop singing when other people are around..."
"Any chance you might go to the Hoppers game with me?"
"Wanna head back to my pad for a little night cap?"
"It's not you it's me..."
“You realize that's just a Fairy Tale right?"
"Got Flies?"
"I'm pretty sure there's no way for me to keep the tongue...sorry..."
"No...not THAT Prince..."
"Sorry...I get excited when something warm touches my belly..."
"Sorry...over-active bladder..."
"Is that a wart on your finger or are you just glad to see me?"
"Smile...you're on Candid Camera..."
"Relax...all you have to do is kiss me...that's it..."
"I promise I'll still respect you in the morning..."
"OK...but no tongue this time..."
"I said Ribbit...not Rub It..."
"Let's try it with a little less tongue this time..."
"Uhm...no offense but I prefer blondes..."
"Any chance you've seen my brothers Weis and Er?"
"It works better with the top hat and cane..."
"Michigan J. Frog at your service..."
"Trust me...it's best if you just put me back down and walk away..."
"I'm not that kind of a frog..."
"I won't tell anybody if you won't..."
"Uhm...have you tried eHarmony?"
"You just expect me to put out on the first date don't you?"
"Huh...rejected by eHarmony?"
"There's always the internet..."
"No I CAN'T just turn into a pair of shoes instead..."
"Wow...I didn't really think you would go through with it..."
"Second Base?!? I don't think so honey..."
"This has GOT to be some type of Joke?"
"I'm thinking at least 200 kids...and we'll join the PTA...and a bowling league..."
"You do want kids some day don't you?"
“The Jokes On You...I'm just a frog...A plain ol' frog..."
"Sorry...that always happens when I get nervous..."
"I didn't mean to burp in your face...sorry..."
"You could at least offer to buy me dinner first..."
"You could really use a mint..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

You have to REALLY KISS me!
What no tongue?
No way evil STEPSISTER!
So, you BELIEVED in all those fairy tales?
Bob Muir, Greensboro

1. I was hoping for a blonde!
2. Kiss or No Kiss, I don't have all day!
3. Honestly, I am quite handsome.
4. Our tadpoles will be adorable.
5. We're not getting any younger, just do it!
6. I promise you won't regret it!
7. Take a chance, it won't kill you!
8. Princess or no Princess!
9. Forget it, you're not that pretty!
10. I just want to go home.
11. I'm green with envy.
12. I promise to make all your dreams come true.
13. No, it's not a sorority prank!
14. I can tell you don't believe me.
15. Ribbit!
Nancy Nelson

Listen Lady the only thing I can do is give you warts.
Mindy Brown, Siler City

16. I'm clean; I just took a dip in that pond.
17. You have killer eyes!
18. What do you mean your parents won't approve!
19. These legs are killing me.
20. I'm tired of hopping around on all fours.
21. The EPA has nothing to say about this.
22. Come on, my mom will love you!
23. Don't you want to live in a castle!
23. You'll be famous!
24. I promise you won't have to eat bugs!
25. Please, I'm tired of eating bugs!
26. No you can't get pregnant from a KISS!
Nancy Nelson

If you don't kiss me I'll . . . I'Il . . . I'll croak!
Froggie went a'courting and he did ride . . . .
Try it -- you might like it.
You can't fool me with that laced-up bodice.
I know what that laced-up bodice means -- I've read some Woodiwiss books.
Joan Lux, Greensboro

"Is it my breath?"
"It's not an old wives' tale."
Glenda Layton, Carthage

"If not a Handsome Prince, how about an old Oil Baron?"
"Know a good cure for warts?"
"Is that considered first or second base?"
Ken Layton, Carthage

You could kiss me, but we all know where this is going to end...divorce papers
Rachel Earnhardt, Greensboro

1) Love me? Warts and all?
2) It's my legs, right?
3) Try The Mirror on the Wall...
4) Hop. skip and....what?
5) No! I don't wanna be a Prince!
6) I'm not your toady
7) Don't you dare!
Bill Beerman, Greensboro

1.I drove this one guy nuts by singing the MADISON RAG only when he was by himself.
2.A little scope wouldn't kill ya princess or not.
3.Can you keep your hand on that same spot after I change to a prince sweetie?
4.I thought you had a thing for dwarfs.
5.If a kiss doesn't work I know some other stuff we can try baby.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

1. Don't you want to save my species?
2. So what harm is a little wart?
Jeff Griffith, Greensboro

I'd like a prenuptial contract...
The warts are contagious but......
My mother will live with us....
Thanks, I have a glove fetish
Sorry about the tongue....
It's just one wet kiss.
The pond is full of guys like me....
What's your net worth?
I won't kiss till we have dinner......
First dinner....then a kiss.
The guys in the pond warned me about you.
The guys warned me about you.
Christine Keaton, Randleman

27. You won't CROAK!
28. I'm not going to CROAK!
29. Kiss me and I'll turn into Brewster Rockit!
30. Just think outside the box!
31. Just because I'm green, doesn't mean I'm an alien!
32. Well you can't blame a guy for trying!
33. Yuck, you didn't turn into a frog!
34. I'd rather CROAK than kiss you!
35. Do you have any sisters?
Nancy Nelson

Want to go back to my pad?
Tim will have to kiss a few frogs to get a winner
I could go for an apple (Snow White.)
Do you know my daughter, Princess Fiona? (Shrek)
What's in your wallet? (Capital One)
Let's get hopping - Kiss Me.
Actually, I am Tar Heel, not a Deacon or a prince.
My Favorite song is "Kiss" (Prince)
You get warts from toads not frogs.
No, I don't taste like Chicken.
Jon Barsanti Jr, Greensboro

You are the best wart remover.
James Durham, Greensboro

"You've got a case of mistaken identity in your hand ! "
" Jeepers, Creepers, where you get those Peepers ! "
" My heart's desire is in your hand. "
" Hi Lois. It's Clark. Need more than a telephone booth for this make-over ! "
" This is a make-or-break proposition ! "
" Love your makeup. Let's make-out ! "
" Let's Make up and Make-out ! "
" You said you'd do anything once, didn't you ? "
" Take a chance ! "
" Could you hold me in your right hand please, I'm conservative. "
' C'mon, you've got me wrapped around your little finger. "
" My friends call me Shanks. "
" Look into my eyes ! "
" We have visual contact ! "
" Your eyes so NO, but your hand says YES ! "
" Think of it as rescue breathing ! "
" I'm really good at mouth to mouth respiration ! '
“Silent type, eh ! "
" Please don't, I like being a frog ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

36. If I kiss you, are you going to turn into a warty old witch?!
37. I'm not a toad, so you can't get warts!
39. Beauty is still in the eye of the beholder!
40. Better me than a toad!
41. I am not a TOAD!
42. This is some enchanted evening.
43. Bottom line, what do you want?!
44. Kiss me and I won't make you sleep on a PEA!
Nancy Nelson

Exactly how many frogs have you kissed?
I saw you in a photo album.....
You have a frog in your throat?
I am not ready to be tied down yet....
Your time clock can wait....Mother Nature can't.
Fairy Tale? Try two lily pads down.
Honest, Lily is my pad's name.
My kingdom is a pond, pad, and bugs.
You want happily ever after.....right?
But I like communal living....
Sore throat? I understand croaks.
Christine Keaton, Randleman

46. My kiss definitely won't make you sleep for 100 years!
46. Girl, I'm not Kermit or Jeremy Fisher I'm the Frog Prince!!
47. Arlo didn't believe I was a wizard either!
48. Sorry, I'm really looking for a black chick to star in the new Disney movie with me!
Nancy Nelson

"Yes! I promise, if you kiss me, I will not turn into Bill Clinton!!"
"Okay!! Or Hillary!!"
"For the last time! NO! I don't give gas cards instead of kisses!"
Stephanie Apple, Greensboro

This is your last chance. If you don't turn into a prince, I'm turning you into an appetizer.
Sheila Magee, Browns Summit

1. After the kiss, your house or mine?
2. I'm going to need a whole new wardrobe.
3. Are you sure Prince Rainier got started this way?
4. I'm gonna miss the lilypads.. Does the castle have a pool?
5. I wonder what our kid will look like.
6. Before I agree to marry you, will we have separate checking accounts?
7. OK, baby, go ahead and plant one on me.
8. Don't you think we should have a pre-nuptial agreement?
9. Don't look at me like that, this wasn't my idea.
10. That lipstick has gotta go
Dave Sheets, Greensboro

"When you said you liked my legs, I thought you meant on me ! ! ! "
"Want to join me for a little skinny - dip ? "
" How about a little mouth - to - mouth resuscitation ? "
" Hey, Hot Lips ! How about a little mouth-to-mouth resuscitation ? "
" Want to play Spin the Bottle ? "
" Birds, bees, and me ! SMACK ! "
" SMACK ! "
" Forget biology, let's play doctor ! "
" Help evolution, kiss me ! "
" Oh ! For an evolutionary kiss ! '
" Princess ! Your kiss is evolutionary ! "
" Smack for a little evolution ! "
" I'm reverse evolution ! "
" Rescue me ! I'm in reverse evoultion ! "
" I promise, a kiss much sweeter than wine ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington, NC

I am the frog formerly known as "Prince"
David Holley, Greensboro

"What do you mean, the single life ain't THAT bad!"
"You aren't exactly Miss Piggy either!"
"You ain't all that and a bag of flies either."
"Maybe the 3rd kiss will be the charm."
"I didn't say I'd be a prince after a kiss? I said I'd sing kiss BY Prince."
"No, I said I'd sing kiss BY Prince!"
"I ain't that kind of frog lady!"
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro, NC

49. Where's Tiana?
50. Want to go skinny dipping?
51. Hop over here and I'll give you a ride!
Nancy Nelson

1. "I do have herpes from so much kissing."
2. "I'm not a prince, I'm a Klingon." (not sure why I find that funny)
3. "Listen girlie, a kiss no longer cuts it, now you have to...."
(tickle me. shame on you!)
Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro

1. "A kiss? Girl, you must live in a fairy tale."
2. "Kiss me. You can always have the warts removed."
3. "I am Jimmy Hoffa."
4. "I'll be your Kermit if you'll be my Miss Piggy."
George Cornett, Greensboro

"I heard that one before"
"A prince will not do, I am looking for a king"
"Can we just be friends?"
John Lonergan, Whitsett

"A previous incident involving warts made Hortense a little gun shy..."
Chad Lowry,High Point

Thwibbit, thwibbit -- sorry, speaking with my mouth full.
Joan Lux, Greensboro

"No, it worked, listen: Little Red Corvette, ooooh.... ooooh.. ooh."
"I tell you, this is going to work. Your mouth didn't move at all."
"The truth is, Opie and Tommy put a walkie talkie under my collar."
"Wait, stop. Is that a cold sore?"
"Before you kiss me, would you mind taking this Cosmo survey?"
"Wait, don't kiss me. I owe hundreds in back taxes."
"I think you should know that my throat sacs aren't real."
"They say I kiss like a chicken."
"So when did you have your tonsils taken out?"
"Hey, what are you doing with those two firecrackers?"
"Can we talk first for just a minute?"
"That was your bridgework?"
"Sorry about that but that darn Flomaxx is really kicking in."
"I'm not in the mood but hold on and I'll take something."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

You're supposed to think about a handsome prince, and all you can think
about is eating my legs?!
You want me to show you leg first?
"Come on, give me something."
Snow White Baby, kiss me and you will forget all those other guys!
Hally Lee Rankin, Greensboro

When you kiss me, remember I am a French Prince.
Don Rankin, Greensboro

"I thought *I* was supposed to kiss *you!"*
Aaron Mansell, Greensboro

1. “We just met and you're already trying to change me.”
2. “The toads told me you’re a party girl.”
3. “Breath mint?”
4. “If I turn into a prince I’ll need your help catching bugs.”
Tom Norman, Greensboro

Oh well, there goes the neighborhood.
Just think of it as a Swiss army knife for the teleportation impaired.
We need to start charging for the free samples.
Imagine that, Rover, because it fetches.
Will Brown

"Feelin' Froggy?"
"The good news is you'll get warts. "
Steve Kindschi, Asheboro

52. Hop on I'll give you a ride!
53. It's not like I'm asking you to wear a glass slipper!
Nancy Nelson

I have bladder control issues.So sue me!
Forest Gamble, Reidsville

"Your pad or mine?"
"I prefer blondes"
"I'll need a prenup"
"Where is your bling?"
"My legs are plastic. The last set was deep fried!"
"I can't mislead. I turn into a princess!"
"Do you have any younger sisters for my tadpoles?"
"That's right. A frog in the hand is worth two in the pond"
"If you kiss me, watch that lip sore!"
"Excuse me a sec. I have a toad in my throat"
"How long is my tongue? What do you have in mind?"
"Don't your know me? Remember that little tadpole you tried to squash?"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

1. King? Prince? Duke? Would you believe court jester?
2. They aren't warts. They're love bumps!
3. Can we try that again? My tongue got in the way.
4. ...and if you believe that, I've got a bridge for sale!
Greg Deal, Greensboro

1. What you see is what you get!!!!!
2. No hidden agenda here!!!!!
Carol Ann LaJeunesse, Greensboro

HERE'S HOPING FOR PRINCE HARRY
Carol S. Desir

I will let you kiss me, after you move your thumb!
I would rather have a talking frog than a Prince!
What beautiful eyes you have!
Rick O'Reilly, Greensboro

"That's right baby, I'm your handsome prince"
"Froggie went a courtin' and he did ride, do da, do da"
"Who's Kermit?"
"Well, you're no Miss Piggy either!"
"I'm the youngest of 500 tadpoles, I never knew my father."
"Look into my eyes, you are getting very sleepy."
"Yes, I have fly breath, but you have to kiss me."
"Maybe a second kiss will do the trick."
"You think your parents will be surprized!"
"I'm no handsome prince because you're no princess"
"Consider the bright side, how often do you find a talking frog?"
"Handsome princes are a dime a dozen, talking frogs are rare."
"I'm taller when I stand on my hind legs."
"I'm not Jeremiah, he's a bullfrog."
"Jeremiah was a bullfrog, was a good friend of mine."
"You have a lot to offer, you're just not my type."
"A handshake instead of a kiss?"
Rob Black, High Point

"Forget the kiss. For real fun, give me a lick."
"Uh, where is your thumb?"
"Yes-man, maybe. But never a toadie."
"Hello my baby, hello my honey, hello my ragtime gal..."
"Give me a kiss. I taste like chicken."
"Your dad is Jim Smiley? Dang."
"You're better than Deet."
"Your shoulder pads or my lily pads?"
Stephen Botts, Greensboro

The frog formerly known as Prince........why is that so funny ?
No, I turned back into a pop star from the 80's .
Sorry about your hand, I got a little excited .
You heard it wrong, you have to sleep with me .
How do you feel about friends with benefits ?
Sorry, we are just not in the same place right now .
What do you mean you'd rather have a talking frog ?
Please kiss me. I'm getting really tired of eating flies .
What does no ring, no kiss supposed to mean ?
Instead of a Prince, would you settle for a hard working plumber ?
Darrell Clark, Winston-Salem

1) I know I'm no Brad Pitt, but could you find it in your heart to help me anyways ?
2) Being a Prince, I WILL have to check your bloodline .
3) That girl frog means nothing to me .
4) What if I told you I was one of the Budweiser frogs ?
5) I've got butterflies in my stomach, but that's nothing new .
6) I'm just not that into you .
7) How would you feel if I told you I have 200 kids ?
8) So, when will your mononucleosis clear up ?
9) Did you just say you teach a biology class ?
10) Even if I'm not a Prince, did you see the tongue ?
Deadpan, Winston-Salem

"Okay, okay...I'm not Prince Charming. So sue me."
"Really, I'm Tom Rickard. A disgruntled reader put a spell on me."
"Actually, I prefer a blonde."
"Just one more question.do you now or have you ever had a communicable disease?"
Marsha Elam, Greensboro

Of course honey, I love you, but its similar to a pre-nup. It'll protect us in the event of . . .
Michele Brainerd, Greensboro

1) “ Witch nothing, Cinderella did this to me !!! “
2) “ If I have to change into a Prince then you have to do something about that nose.”
3) “ I can’t believe you fell for the Prince story, but thanks for the kiss . “
4) “ Have you looked in the mirror lately? You’re not exactly Sleeping Beauty ! “
5) “ Ha ha, taste like chicken…….never heard that one before .”
6) “ No, I’m sure I said 2 kisses .”
7) “ You think I’m crazy ? You’re the one talking to a frog .”
8) “ We’ll get to the kiss in a minute. But first, how about a breathmint ?”
9) “ Sorry about the taste. I’m not the kind of frog you lick .”
10) “ Why do you assume I’m the one who gave you the wart ? “
11) “ Would you rather marry one of the dwarfs ? “
12) “ What do you mean you have a headache ? “
13) “ Have you tried on-line dating ? “
14) “ I’m not real . You dropped acid about a ½ hour ago . “
15) “ You don’t kiss on the first date ???? “
Joel Clark, Greensboro

Try again?
Christine Keaton, Randleman

The word on the grapevine says "don't eat the apple , Cinderella"
Dave Derence, Greensboro

54. If I'm lying you can always Eat Me!
55. You are so beautiful to me!
56. Pretty is as pretty does!
57. It's my last request!
58. It's my last wish to be kissed by you!
Nancy Nelson

"Sorry, Lady. I prefer blondes."
Marcia James, Jamestown

" Just Do It ! Pleeeeease !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

1) One kiss makes me a prince. Wanna see what second base gets ya?
2) Well I'd like you help lady, but I hear people can give you warts.
3) Come on, kiss me! How else are you gonna get a husband?
4) Sorry lady. I don't kiss on the first date.
5) Sheesh! Try a little less makeup next time. You won't look so desperate.
6) It's true that kissing a frog is fun when you're young and a good way to find a prince. We can also give you warts, so always use protection.
The Jaguar

1. I'm a french prince.
2. Warts the matter?
David Downing, Greensboro

" So, your prince looks different in what way?"
"Would you mind using a breath mint first?"
Reta S. Beck, Greensboro

I used mouth wash!
Please help me, my car got toad.
Kiss me and I turn into Frankenstein
Your hand is hurting my Lilly Pad
Mom says when Grandpa croaks we're going to Disney World.
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden

"It's true. I'm a Poison Dart Frog, but we can still be friends."
"I hate to tell you this, but I'm a Poison Dart Frog. You might not want to kiss me...but is there anyone you want knocked off?
"I have good news and I have bad news. Yes, I'll turn into a Prince......Prince Charles."
Cathy Cockerham, Greensboro

"Sorry, that Prince thing is just in the Fairy Tales."
"My parent's are open minded. They won't care that you're not a frog."
"Go ahead; I know you want to try it. Pucker up."
"Go Ahead. You know you want to!"
"Could you Pleaaase get your finger out of my butt!"
"Ahhh, excuse me, but could you take your finger off my butt."
Ken Cockerham, Greensboro

"You DO know that I'm a girl frog don't you?"
"Unless you want a Princess on your hands, I suggest that you Don't kiss me."
"If I croak, do you know CPR?"
"Oh My...what lovely Lips you have!"
"I think I'M going to croak!"
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden

"Seven dwarves? I should be checking you for warts!"
"Your pad or mine?"
"Yes, my tongue is long and sticky. Why do you keep asking me that?"
"I eat flies and my last girlfriend was literally a pig. Trust me, I'm immune to anything."
'You have the wrong frog. I turn into Prince Fielder."
"Wanna see my tadpole?"
"What's this I hear about you and A-Rod?"
"I've got bad news. I heard Prince Charming ran off to San Francisco with Bashful and Happy."
"Really? He actually sent in a haiku last week?"
"You know what they say: You better scrub yourself clean, after you've had you some green!"
"Weren't you just on Celebrity Rehab?"
"Trust me, you don't want to lick what I'm secreting."
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

"Well, you're no Jessica Alba yourself."
"Just don't ask me to sing Purple Rain."
Diane Bishop, Greensboro

"don't ask...don't tell"
Tom DeWitt, Siler City
"I will need to see your financial statement"
Randy Vickrey, Silk Hope

"I'm afraid our differing views on dissection could be an issue."
“I pay match.com $29.95 a month for this?”
“This is the last time I answer a personal ad in Field and Stream.”
“Don’t they make Amphibian Altoids?”
“Do you think I am phibian about my transformation?”
“Care to join me in my lily pad?”
“I don’t care if it is leap year, I’m not kissing you.”
“I'll do it but if you remain a frog I'll dissect you in Biology.”
Gray Amick, Greensboro

"Hilary! Hilary! It's me!"
Larry Tyrell, Stokesdale

"Don't worry. We can move in with my parent."
"But, I love you more than flies."
James E. Ferrell, McLeansville

SNAIL MAIL
I’ll pass.
Martha Willis, Greensboro

Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com

Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.

LAST WEEK'S WINNER
So, whadda ya think of my selections? Agree? Disagree? Let me know what you think.
Leave a comment. Tell me your pick. Tell me why the ones I picked stink. Or, if you must, tell me how brilliant my choices are.

Once again this week, no strong consensus on a winner. So, the twelve-year-old in me did the picking. Could you tell?
Some of you must be on vacation, as I didn’t see several familiar names this week. Wish you were here.
And it’s poetry month at the Jokes On You blog. A couple weeks ago, Bob Mannary graced us with a touching Haiku, this week, a poem (of sorts) from Bob Beitzel. I may have to come up with a best poem category.

WINNER
"I know it was you...it was still warm when it hit me..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro
Bob ties Joel in the race to catch CC.

RUNNERS-UP
This isn't much of a family reunion ...
Jon Barsanti Jr.
I liked this one.

“So you and your friend finally wrote some Shakespeare. Took you long enough.“
Joel Clark, Greensboro
Very clever.

"How could you miss 'prehensile' on the spelling test?"
Kris Voy, Trinity

"Tarzan no able to get new iPhone to work either."
David C. Ribar, Greensboro
I liked the goofy nature of Kris' and Davids'

WHAT kind of business?
Bill Beerman, Greensboro
Surprise!

"Am I adopted?"
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

"I'm not your uncle, it's just an expression."
Stephen Botts, Greensboro

And one more thing, I'm really tired of cleaning the hair out of the shower drain.
Darrell Clark, Winston-Salem

MATURE AUDIENCES
I've seen your room. It's a case of monkey pee monkey poo .
Darrell Clark, Winston-Salem

“Sorry about last night. I believe they call it having ‘jungle fever’…. “
“Tarzan looking for some jungle love, O-Wee-O-Wee-O….”
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

“Remember, if anyone asks, we were just wrestling….”
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

“Don’t argue with me, just put the wig on!”
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

“Yes, that is what they mean by ‘blowing bubbles’!”
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden
You need help, Bob.

"Don't make me spank you..."
"As a matter of fact that WAS a banana in my pocket!"
Bob Mannary

"Banana Flavored Condoms!!! Where'd you get That idea??"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

“Yes, it IS a banana in my loincloth, and No, I'm not happy to see you."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

BEST POEM
(from Bob Beitzel)
“How do I love thee, let me count the ways:
Thy silky back hair;
the way thy eats a banana with such loving care;
the graceful way thee throweth thy waste;
and most mportantly, thy inability to call the authorities.”
M. Jackson, Neverland Ranch
Seriously. Seek help.

BEST INSIDE JOKE
"Look...just give me a darn caption for the picture already..."
"I don't know why they do it either...it's for entertainment purposes only and they can't even wager."
Bob Mannary

BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE
“Can I have your autograph, Mr. Tork?”
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

“You damned dirty ape!”
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

(Fire up the time machine for this reference)
But I thought my "ugh-ugh" enhanced your "Aba Daba Honeymoon" song.
Joan Lux Greensboro

And now for the gratuitous Looney Toon reference:
"I sure hope Petrillo doesn't hear about this."
Bob Mannary
C'mon Bob, any Looney Toon reference, anytime. Just try and get one past me. (The "never forget a face" one doesn't count, as Groucho Marx first said that.")

Bucky's looking for you. (think Fuzzy)
David Downing, Greensboro

THE REST
"I'm still evolving, OK? Give me a break!"
Margaret Patton, Greensboro

"What exactly are you saying about Charles Darwin and evolution?"
Mark Rosenbaum, Greensboro

1. I'm getting to old to swing from the vines!
2. Stop with the monkey business.
3. Did you have to eat ALL the bananas?
4. You've been sold to an organ grinder!
5. No Geico doesn't want you!
6. You want Jane to scratch your head.
7. Looks like it's time for another flea bath!
8. Jane doesn't even scratch my head!
9. Stop doing that you'll go BALD!
10. What do you mean, a caveman can't do it?
11. What do you mean monkey see monkey do?!
Nancy Nelson

"Have you tried Head and Shoulders?"
Harvey B. Herman, Greensboro

"You may look like my mother-in-law, but that doesn't mean we're related."
"Mom, what did my daddy look like?"
"Dad, you promised that I'd grow up and be as handsome as you."
Ken Layton, Carthage

"I may be out on a limb here, but I think it's too bad we didn't keep all that hair".
April Baker, Greensboro

" Yes ! We have NO bananas ! "
" Where are all our bananas, sherlock ? "
" Cheetah say Jane eating us out of house and home. Jane say it Cheeta ! "
" Where's my vine, Sherlock ? "
" Wonder whose teeth marks those are on my vine ? "
" Think no evil ! Now that's certainly original ! "
" Think no evil ! "
" Who said you where here first ! "
" Me can hang ten with no vine too !
" Monkey see, monkey do ! "
" I can't hang around long ! "
" Haircut ! Look whose talking ! "
" Stop using body lanuage ! "
" Your question has me stumped ! "
" Your question has me out on a limb ! "
" I'm thinking of installing monkey bars. "

" What makes you think monkey bars would help ? "
" I want to know my genealogy ! "
" Am I adopted ? "
" Roots ! What are my roots ! "
" Tell me about the family tree ! "
" Tell me about our family tree ! ! !
" This is a good place to discuss the family tree. "
" Is this my branch of the family tree ? "
" So this is my branch on the family tree ! "
" You told me this was my branch on the family tree ! "
" You are on my branch of our family tree ! "
" Why do you question my lineage ? We're on the same branch of the family tree ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

"What do you mean, where did I come from?", or
"What did you do with my vine? I want to swing over and see Jane."
Charles Cameron, Greensboro

Where's your prehensile tail, or did it evolve into something else like mine did?
Someone has to be the leader -- let's try rock . . . what are the other 2?
You're obviously an Old World monkey -- see if you can catch up.
I'm sure the City Council will discuss our plight at their next closed session.
Ever heard the saying, "This limb's not big enough for both of us"?
Of course I appreciate your intellect -- you're scratching the right end, aren't you?
Joan Lux, Greensboro

1) Me Tarzan. You Jane?
2) Monkey see, monkey what?
3) WHAT kind of business?
4) I suggest you try a different shampoo!
5) That cartoonist left us out on a limb!
6) No, my folks got here before yours.
Bill Beerman, Greensboro

"Her name's Wilma and she's mine..."
"I know it was you...it was still warm when it hit me..."
"No I'm NOT your Uncle..."
"Who are you and what have you done with Dino?"
"Me Tarzan...hope to GOD you not Jane?"
"Look...just give me a darn caption for the picture already..."
"OK...here are the choices...'We just met and you're already trying to change me, 'I’m not real. You dropped acid about a ½ hour ago.' and 'Uhm... have you tried eHarmony?' whatcha think?

"I know it was you...there's a Barrel of Monkeys on the nightstand and a banana peel in the bathroom sink..."
"Who left your barrel open?"
"No I don't know where Mr. Peebles lives."
"OK...now rub your stomach at the same time..."
"I sure hope Petrillo doesn't hear about this."
"What's a Haiku?"
"Brewster Rockit...from the funnies...you know...Space Guy??"
"Just leave it on the ground next time..."
"I don't know WHY they used the word SPANK..."
"Sorry buddy, they closed Neverland years ago..."
"If you don't stop putting Chiquita stickers on my back I am going to kill you!"
"Don't make me spank you..." ;-)
"Who ELSE would've covered the entire television screen with Chiquita Banana stickers?"
"Look...for the last time...STOP LEAVING YOUR BANANA PEELS IN MY UNDERWEAR DRAWER!!!"
"Wherever you drop it, leave it!"
"I've seen you before. I never forget a face. But in your case, I'll make an exception..."
"Where did you hide my nipples THIS time?"
"As a matter of fact that WAS a banana in my pocket!"
"No, I didn't bring you a banana so STOP reaching in my pocket!"
"Never mind how I got up here...where's the TV remote?"
"Look...I appreciate the thought but I prefer to groom myself thank you..."
"One more prank like that and it's off to the zoo with you!"
"Yes I'm serious...all you have to do is draw a cartoon and then pick a caption for it from the readers..."
"I don't know why they do it either...it's for entertainment purposes only and they can't even wager."
"Quit trying to give me the slip..."
"Sorry...I'm just glad to see you..."
"Yes it IS so easy even a caveman could do it.."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

12. I don't have time to monkey around.
12. I Tarzan, King of the Apes, you just monkey!
13. Jane say she going back to city?
14. Jane want me to build bigger treehouse.
15. Ugh,Jane wants me to lose weight!
16. You speak foreign language can't understand you!
17. I'm thinking about moving into a cave.
18. Jane say she pregnant need more tree space!
Nancy Nelson

" It is puzzling, both of us from same branch of family tree ! "
" You know I'm no good at sigh language ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

The bananas were recalled - how about coconuts?
George, why are you so curious about Jane?
No, I haven't seen a man with a yellow hat.
For the last time, BJ & the Bear is not out on DVD!
There are not casting calls for Jumanji 2.
Do I look fat in this?
They voted ME off the island ...
No Bananas Foster for you tonight.
This isn't much of a family reunion ...
Jon Barsanti Jr, Greensboro

You seem puzzled
Polly Flory

"I'm Tarzan, King of the jungle, so who do you think you are, questioning my authority?
Dana Smith, Greensboro NC

19. NASA wants to sent you into outer space!
20. George I am Curious as to why you're always scratching yourself!
21. So you're George of the Jungle!
Nancy Nelson

1. Bucky's looking for you.
2. You've gotta quit slinging your stuff at Jane.
3. For crying out loud. It's not a banana already.
David Downing, Greensboro

Why are we always out on a limb?
Our swinging is causing talk.....
Do you have lice again?
I did not bug you.......
I am tired of picking you......
Christine Keaton, Randleman

"For the last time, go get me another vine!"
Diane Bishop, Greensboro

"So, you have doubts about evolution."
Carl Niedziela, Pelham

Ever think that you might have evolved from us?
Mack Arrington, Greensboro

Does "aba daba daba daba" mean fire or wooly mammoth?
But I thought my "ugh-ugh" enhanced your "Aba Daba Honeymoon" song.
And an "aba daba daba daba daba daba dab" to you too.
So you don't know what "aba daba daba daba" means?
What? My "ugh-ugh" doesn't make sense to you?
Joan Lux, Greensboro

" I'll be a monkey's uncle, we're on same branch of family tree ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

"Have a little respect, after all I'm your uncle."
Paul Micka, Asheboro

"Grounded means you stay in the tree."
"I said 'grounded,' but I meant 'treed'."
"Guess the laundry's piling up on your branch again?"
"How could you miss 'prehensile' on the spelling test?"
"I said I'd like a cappuccino, not a capuchin!"
"Jane! I asked for a cappuccino, not a capuchin!"
"OK, drop Jane's mangoes!"
"Why would you think you're adopted?"
"Next time you check me for ticks, you get a knuckle sandwich!"
Every year when school starts, your malaria kicks in."
Kris Voy,Trinity

"For the last time, where did you leave Jane?"
Lola Spence, Washington, PA

"Loin cloths are out of season!"
Lawson Saul, Greensboro

1. “I’m not Tarzan! I’m just working through some personal issues.”
2. “Why did you show Jane my college thesis paper? You’ve ruined the whole ‘me Tarzan you Jane’ thing.”
3. “Does this leopard skin make me look fat?”
4. “What kind of monkey business are you running? You promised me Batman tickets.”
5. “This is the last time I go out on a limb for you.”
Tom Norman, Greensboro

"I'm puzzled where Rickard put Jane too."
"I'm smarter because I said so, that's why!"
"NO, and I'm not going to nit pick either!"
"Please stop doing that Laurel imitation."
Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro

1. "These are designer shorts."
George Cornett, Greensboro

"Book, movie or song title?"
"You always forget to tell me if it's a book, movie or song title."
"We're lost, aren't we?"
Marsha Elam, Greensboro

Confused? "Yes, I am Tarzan"
Sarah Falkener

"Trust me, my friend Michael isn't weird at all!"
"No, that is not a banana in my pocket."
"You damned dirty ape!"
"Just for tonight, can your name be Jane?"
"Yes, that is what they mean by 'blowing bubbles'!"
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

"Where did hide Jane's clothes?!"
"No, I don't know the way to Jungle Land!!"
"You are over your time-on-vine minutes again!!"
"Yes, we have the same ancestors. No, we are not brothers!"
"I am not an endangered specie, yet!!"
"You can't borrow the key to the Express Vine!!"
"Tarzan would of done this. I am sick of hearing that!!"
"I can't help you. Investing all in banana futures was not wise!!
"Monkey see. Monkey do". What in the world does that mean??"
"No, I have never met Mickie's Monkey!!"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

NO WAY: I AM NOT YOUR GRANDPARENT!!!
S. Lee Sorrells, Greensboro

"Who did you expect, Batman?"
"What you've never seen a guy in a loin cloth?"
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

Me saw you monkey around with Jane again. Me change your name to "Cheatah".
Dan E. Smith, Greensboro

"Tarzan no able to get new IPhone to work either."
David C. Ribar, Greensboro

"I keep telling you we need one more person for monkey in the middle."
"For the last time, my name is not Fred."
"Do these loins make me look fat."
" I'm just a boxer kind of guy, always will be."
"I washed them, it comes with spots."
Scott Smith, McLeansville

1) " Would you know anything about the dent in the family vine ? "
2) " If you want to impress me then rub your stomach at the same time."
3) " I'll flip you for the big branch . "
4) " Until you learn not to throw that at people then you can stay in the tree . "
5) " Me Tarzan, she Jane , you third wheel !!! "
6) " Got lice ?? "
7) " You wouldn't know why I have lice do you ? "
8) " Find another place to stay. I'm not the landlord of the apes ! "
9) " I know we are distant relatives but I'm not picking them off of you . "
10) " I see you got tired of living on Amy Winehouse's back . "
11) " My tree house, my rules . "
12) " Sorry, can't hang out today. Jane gave me a honey do list . "
13) " So you and your friend finally wrote some Shakespeare . Took you long enough . "
14) " What do you need a cell phone for ? "
15) " You have opposable thumbs, make your own breakfast ! "
Joel Clark, Greensboro

"Mr. President, It's a jungle out there."
"What do you mean Jane is monkeying around?"
"What makes you think you're adopted?"
"First the government takes their share, than the oil companies take theirs, now my wife is asking for the shirt off my back."
“If I told you once I've told you a million times. It is pronounced NUCLEAR not NUKULAR."
Noelle Polson Jacksonville, FL

"Remember, if anyone asks, we were just wrestling.."
"Sorry, George, acting curious just won't get you anywhere in life."
"How would you like it if I threw mine at you?"
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

"Me Tarzan, you Cheeta"
"Whadaya mean you think we're related?"
"Which vine do I take to Walmart?"
Dan Forney, Greensboro

"No, Earl. I said, Don't throw a fit at the lions."
"When Goodall heard we were swingers, she told me to beat it."
"I'm not your uncle, it's just an expression."
"Shirley Maclaine will be here in a minute."
Stephen Botts, Greensboro

6. “Are you mocking me?”
7. “What took you so long? I called of the wild hours ago.”
Tom Norman, Greensboro

"Don't play dumb with me. Where is my Banana?"
Dave Derence, Greensboro

I told you NOT to go to Las Vegas with your stimulus check.
Luis Mendoza, Greensboro

"You're once.. twice..three times a primate.. "
"Don't argue with me, just put the wig on!"
"What's that, Bobo? You wrote me a haiku?"
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

What? You've never played rock, mammoth hide, jawbone?
Joan Lux, Greensboro

1."ME TARZAN,NOT MICHAEL".
2."NO THIS IS NOT NEVERLAND RANCH, IT'S THE JUNGLE, SAME DIFFERENCE THOUGH".
Paula Hairston, Greensboro

"Believe me, evolving is not all its cracked up to be."
"Sure, I'll tell you what happened - you slept right through that last mutation."
"Seriously, my great grandfather looked just like you!"
Joe Weiss, Greensboro

When are you going to shave?
Team-Walter

1-Want a career in the arts? You can dance around with a cup while I grind out music.
Max Harless, High Point

"Yes, it IS a banana in my loincloth, and No, I'm not happy to see you."
"G.A.L.A.P.A.G.O.S.....yeah, they finally found out it was named for Great Apes Love All Primates And Grow Own Species'....great Origin, huh?"
"Looks like our family reunion is going to be held this year at some place called the Galapagos Islands. You in??"
"I know it's hard to believe, but Jane said that you and I weren't intellectually stimulating enough for her. "
"How many times do I have to tell you!....now that Jane's gone, YOU cook, I clean."
"The vet said that you have ADHD.....maybe Jane would have stayed if you would have taken your medicine."
"...And that's where babies come from."
"Banana Flavored Condoms!!! Where'd you get That idea??"
"No I do NOT know where to buy Banana Flavored Condoms!!!"
"Let me tell you about Jane's Addiction."
"Well, she went away....but I know we'll hear more about Jane's Addiction later."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"When Jane said 'Who's Your Daddy?'.......oh, never mind."
"No, I am NOT your Daddy."
"No, you can't go play with Kong. He's gone to New York for the summer."
"I know Simba is your friend, but his Pride won't let him come to our side of the Jungle anymore."
"No, you cannot go play with Kong or Simba. It's almost dinner time."
"...Know that house in tree me built for you and your friends....Jane left. Me want to move in."
"Females??? If I knew how to find one, I'd find ME one."
"....what don't you understand?"
"We've been together all these years and you're telling me you've never understood a word I've said???"
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden

19. NASA wants to send you into outer space!
22. I'm taking you to the ZOO!
23. What do you mean, you need a vacation?!
24. What do you mean, you need a change of scenery?!
Nancy Nelson

"Quick, before they get here! Help me bury Jane's body!"
"Tarzan out of Viagra. No longer able to swing from vine."
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

“Looks like we share the same family roots.”
“Since you’re a relative you can have this banana-themed loincloth when I outgrow it.”
Gray Amick, Greensboro

"Sorry about last night. I believe they call it having 'jungle fever'.. "
"Were those rumors about you and Ronald Reagan really true?"
"Tarzan looking for some jungle love, O-Wee-O-Wee-O.."
"Who are you supposed to be, Think No Evil?"
"I don't understand why Clay Aiken is so popular, either."
"I'm tired of you monkeying around all the time!"
"You're John Edwards' secret lover?
"Can I have your autograph, Mr. Tork?"
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

"I'm sorry my daughter won't go to the banana festival with you, but she insists that you're just not her type."
Reta, Greensboro

"OK, Cheetah, you can get the hair plugs, but this is the LAST TIME I'm going out on a limb for you."
Lisa Patteson, Summerfield

If the Shakespeare theory is correct then how do you explain the internet ?
I know you were a lab monkey but you're not smoking in my house.
No I don't want to discuss the creationist-evolutionist issue with you.
Evolution doesn't work that way. You'll always be a monkey.
And one more thing, I'm really tired of cleaning the hair out of the shower drain.
I've talked to the organ grinder about a summer job for you.
Who told you that you can only play on the monkey bars ?
Let me get this straight, you want ham and cheese on banana bread ?
How'd you like to end up in a bag of Rhesus pieces ?
You expect me to believe that the weasel just went pop ?
I've seen your room. It's a case of monkey pee monkey poo .
Talk back again and you'll find out why the baboon butt is red .
You are proof that Darwin was an idiot.
You not the missing link.
Ohh yeah ? Your relatives still live in their family tree.
Darrell Clark, Winston-Salem

"How do I love thee, let me count the ways: Thy silky back hair; the way thy
eats a banana with such loving care; the graceful way thee throweth thy
waste; and most mportantly, thy inability to call the authorities."
M. Jackson, Neverland Ranch
(Bob Beitzel)

1. Don't look at my body that way, I've got feelings, too!
2. Haven't you seen a speciman of a good looking man before?
3. So, do you have a problem with downsizing?
Liam Stapleton, Greensboro

There was this big bang and then . . .
Fr. Louis Canino, OFM, Greensboro
" Don't give me that monkey look."
" I know you been swinging with Jane."
"No, I didn't shave the hair off my chest."
"When the last time you did something about that dandruff!"
James E. Ferrell, McLeansville

SNAIL MAIL
(to come)

For next week’s cartoon, we’re going to try a little experiment.
Add a caption or dialog to this old engraving. Have fun.
Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com
THIS E-MAIL LINK WORKS NOW. SOMEONE JUST BROUGHT IT UP TO ME THAT IT WASN’T WORKING BEFORE.

Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.

LAST WEEK'S WINNER
So, whadda ya think of my selections? Agree? Disagree? Let me know what you think.
Leave a comment. Tell me your pick. Tell me why the ones I picked stink. Or, if you must, tell me how brilliant my choices are.

This week’s most common captions were variations of “So this is where the yellow brick road leads.” Props to Joel Tuggle for providing the most Oz-oteric captions. Bob Beitzel was up to his usual hijinks. And for this week’s poetry corner, a limerick from Dennis LaJeunesse. And apologies to Tim Tribbett who provided maybe the funniest caption, but it was both a wee-bit obscure and scatological. But a hoot, nevertheless.

WINNER
You'd think she'd at least send cookies at Christmas-- Miss me most off all, my foot!
Tony Hummel, Reidsville
Really fit the theme with just obscure enough, but not too much, of an "Oz" reference.

RUNNERS-UP
"I don't think we're in Kansas anymore."
Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough

"If I only had a brain...and better prostate health...and kids that visited me...and a porch with a better view....and..."
Ashley K., Greensboro

"Ding dong, the witch is dead...yeah, this morning... massive stroke."
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

"It was a crazy dream. I was in it, and you were there and you were there too."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

“Judging from the number of times he gets up at night, he’s missing a bladder too.“
Joel Clark, Greensboro

I don't think this is the "home" Dorothy was referring to.
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden
Lots of gags with this theme, We just thought this worked best.

BEST INSIDE JOKE
Some brain the Wiz' gave me. Here I sit retired and never even made runner up in "The Jokes On You"Dan Smith, Greensboro
Keep trying, you'll get there.

“Any zebra nuggets left?”
Marsha Elam, Greensboro

I bet that Tim Rickard will not like any of our incontinence jokes!
Nancy Nelson
Wrong.

Scrap thieves almost got Tin Man in Greensboro....
Christine Keaton, Randleman

“Calm down Captain Courage, that monkey is in an entirely different panel.“
Joel Clark, Greensboro

"I hear the Flying Monkeys were related to that dumb chimp in the last cartoon!"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

BEST OZ-BSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE
A couple that I overlooked that came from a series of Oz books written by Gregory Maguire.
"Cheer up lion, at least we're not in Southstairs."
Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro

If it wasn't enough she was born green,? they gave her the name Elphaba!
Polly Flory, Greensboro

Today I had a poop of a different color.
Tim Tribbett,dvm Greensboro
My favorite gag. Made me laugh. But it didn't make the cut mostly because of it's obscure nature. I think I was the only judge who got it.

" We belong in OZ section, Lion is in AP ! "
( Name OZ came from filing cabinet section )
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

Oz never did give nuthin to the tin man.
Tim Tribbett Greensboro

“Why do I always get déjà vu when I listen to Dark Side of the Moon?“
Joel Clark, Greensboro

I love Dark Side of the Moon, I feel so in-sync with that record.
Darrell Clark, Winston-Salem

"In my next life, I want to be a bumbling farmhand."
"I can't remember my name but the sum of the remaining sides of an isosceles triangle....."
"I know how to escape, we run that way.... but sometimes people go that way."
"It was a crazy dream. I was in it, and you were there and you were there too."
"I wonder who really put the ape in apricot?"
"Lion, now that I'm in charge, bring me the mop of the night janitor."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
Brilliant stuff, Joel

MATURE AUDIENCES
“Remember the wicked witch? I nailed her.”
“The Tin Man should be thankful that he still gets a little stiff.”
“Did I ever tell you about the time the Wizard showed me his staff?”
“The Tin Man says he likes it when you grease him up.”
“So there we were: Me, Dorothy, and Auntie Em, all smeared in bacon grease….”
“So there we were: Me, Dorothy, and a tank full of laughing gas…”
“So there we were: Me, Dorothy, and a five gallon tub of whipped cream…”
“I believe it’s called ‘manage a trois’….”
“Trust me, dude. That chick Glinda gets wild when you pump a couple of shots of Jager into her.”
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden
You own this category, Bob.

How come you guys never believe me when I tell you I slept with Glinda?
Darrell Clark, Winston-Salem

I dont know....I've always been limp.
All I said was lubricate him.......
Christine Keaton, Randleman

"My nurse is so cute. She keeps asking if I want a hay-ride. Still don't get that one."
Stephen Botts, Greensboro

BEST POEM
Since they were not rehired
The Oz guys were retired
On the porch every day
With very little to say
Hoping Dorothy would be fired
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

THE REST
1. Who knew that yellow brick would road would end here?!
2. We sure could use that wizard now.
3. That Dorothy, she's a real hottie!
4. With the cost of oil skyrocketing Tin Man is a goner!
5.Cowardly Lion, just tell her how you feel before it's too late!
6. We summoned the wizard but he's busy doing a commercial.
7. That nurse needs to give Tin Man his heart medicine.
8. Dorothy can restuff me anytime!
9. Tin Man is squeaking again.
10. Nothing has been the same since Dorothy went back to Kansas.
11. Those ungrateful munchkins don't come to visit anymore.
12. At least the wicked witch is dead!
13. Even with those glasses,Tin Man can't find his oil can!
14. It's shameful that Dorothy doesn't visit more!
15. I wish Dorothy was my nurse.
16. Guys, Who is this Dorothy?????
17. Dorothy can rock with me anytime!
19. I remember when ...!
19. Tin Man needs a lube job.
Nancy Nelson

"ROCK OF THE AGED'
ERNY KAROLY, Jamestown

" Look ! ! ! A Rainbow !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

"I vaguely remember a little girl with red slippers and an old coot who promised us things."
Ken Layton, Carthage

"Who ever thought the yellow brick road would lead us here?"
Ken Layton, Carthage

"So, the Wiz raided your 401K's, too?"
Ken Layton, Carthage

He's squeaking again. I know...but he can't afford to refill his oil can.
Malcolm Burchett, Summerfield

Wake up -- wake up -- I just remembered what happened in 1939.
I thought we were supposed to live in the past here.
I'm just glad they don't allow smoking here.
Dorothy's in Room 322 -- time has not been kind.
Dorothy still has a great set of pipes -- but not much else.
No shoe fetish -- but those WERE pretty red shoes.
Great dining room -- meat for you, olive oil for him.
If he squeaks one more time . . . .
You're sneaky, he's squeaky -- what's my street name?
Joan Lux Greensboro

" I miss her ! "
" You'd think she'd send us a postcard ! "
" Heard they're changing the name to Rainbow Inn ! "
" Certainly not what Dorothy had in mind ! "
" Never thought the Yellow Brick Road would end here ! "
" Rock faster, fraidy cat ! "
" Now he knows how a lonely heart feels. "
" Welcome to the Lonely Hearts Club, pass it on ! "
" That smell, it's not oil ! "
" Silent but deadly ! "
" On your mark, get set, GO ! ! ! "
" Wonder if we beat Dorothy home ? "
" Where's Dorothy ? "
" I thought Dorothy would be here by now ! "
" If you had a brain you could figure it out ! "
" Go figure ! ! ! "
" Let's compute life's journey together. "
" All together, NOW ! "
" Rock together ! "
" Wonder who's squeaking ? "
"Mine's a Thinking Chair ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

20. If I only had a brain.
21. I just can't remember her name!
22. Let's just follow that yellow brick road!
23.We need a vacation , lets go to Kansas!
24. I bet that Tim Rickard will not like any our incontinence jokes!
25. Don't make me laugh, I can't hold it anymore!
Nancy Nelson

I hope Dorothy remembers the Vitorin, the Plavix, and the Aricept.
Now that Jack is off SG-1 who's going to make the "Wizard" references?
Dorothy still looks hot in the blue and white checked dress.
It looks like Toto is having 'fun' with Benji
"I don't think we're in Kansas Anymore."
NO, I don't want to go watch the Weather Channel.
Oh no - Jim Cantore is coming to visit.
Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough

Pretty rainbow!
And then at the big premiere. Hey, you dozing off over there?
Isn't it a safety violation to crowd that many little people into one bedroom?
Joan Lux Greensboro

26. Cowardly Lion did you lose your medal that the wizard gave you for bravery again!
27. I can't find my diploma!
28. I think Tin Man's heart has stopped tinking!
Nancy Nelson

"Well, IF I had some Ruby Red Slippers to click, I wouldn't be here either."
Rick Snipes, Greensboro
A couple of us liked this one.

1) So where's our cut of the rerun profits?
2) Lucky those yellow bricks were real gold!
3) Kansas? Where th' #@*# is that?
4) Where's Dorothy when we need her?
5) Yes, I wrote that script to make this possible!
Bill Beerman, Greensboro

Age shrivels us all to "Munchkin" size.
I dont know....I've always been limp.
Miss them? Toto used me like a hydrant.
Don't mention the wicked witch...Tin Man's rusted enough...
No sequels for us boys.
It takes courage and heart to retire not brains.
Click click click......nope still here.
I am glad Rickard left the monkey behind.
All I said was lubricate him.......
Fair? Dorothy got Kansas and we got each other....
uhhhhh either mice or nesting again or.......
Hearing aides I said...where they gonna go?
We had our hay day....
Age means hearts fade, courage withers and......brains fart more.
Christine Keaton, Randleman

This place isn't my idea of "somewhere over the rainbow."
Deja vu all over again -- see that big funnel cloud?
It's going to get crowded in here -- big storms in Kansas today.
I'm tired of all the singing and dancing -- where's the bingo game?
Joan Lux Greensboro

Can't sleep Tin Man, you or that chair needs an oil job.
Don Rankin, Greensboro

29. Duh! Nancy Nelson

"He needs a sandbox, NOW ! "
"He's still young at heart ! "
"Should've asked the Wizard for youth tonic ! "
"I hate it when they seat us alphabetically ! "
"We belong in OZ section, Lion is in AP ! "
(Name OZ came from filing cabinet section )
"Never saw Dead End sign ! "
"Is that a Witch ! "
"Witch way now ! "
"I feel smart sitting between you guys ! "
"Want to play Rock, Scissors, Paper ? "
"I see something Yellow ! "
"This ain't Kansas ! "
"Thought Dorothy was taking us with her ! "
"Oh ! To be on the road again ! "
"Wish Dorothy would settle down ! "
"Too much Dorothy ! ! ! "
"Hey ! Curb your dog ! "
"One, two, three ! On The Road Again ! Everybody sing !
" That dog needs to be on a leash ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

"Hope it's not a tornado !"
"We've been Wizard spun !"
"Home sweet home !"
"Who ever said there's no place like home hasn't stayed here!"
"Can't get any rest here with all that squeaking going on!"
'I'm out of here!"
"Remember ! I'm the brains of this gang!"
"Tin Man is suffering from metal fatigue!"
"Growing old is not for sissies ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

30. My new Doc says I've developed and an allergy to straw!
Nancy Nelson
Good one.

31. Where's the wheel chair ramp, we're not accessible to the handicapped!!
Nancy Nelson

I hear her ankles swell so bad she can't even get those $#@! ruby slippers off.
Do you have gas, or is it time to be oiled again?
And remember when she smacked you flat on the nose? He he he ‘cough cough’
I don't think she's coming to visit.
You'd think she'd at least send cookies at Christmas-- Miss me most off all, my foot!
Tony Hummel, Reidsville

"Who would ever have thought the Yellow Brick Road would lead to this"
Bob Hudson

Uhhhh either mice are nesting again or.....
Whose a stuffed shirt?
I hung out alot before you guys....
I swept up in Emerald City....
Scrap thieves almost got Tin Man in Greensboro....
Christine Keaton, Randleman

"What do you think of our new yellow brick outhouse?!"
"I gotta take a wiz"
"If they show us that movie again, I'm going to start smoking!"
"Dorothy has stopped visiting ever since she made it big in corn futures"
"I hear the Flying Monkeys were related to that dumb chip in the last cartoon!"
"Our lawyer said the Munchkins abandonment trail will be short"
"I hear Dorothy has a new dog, Tutu"
"It's too bad, Lion, that your dentures don't fit"
"I thought the red shoes clashed with Dorothy's eyes"
"I head dinner tonight is again nuts/bolts, course roughage and strained zebra"
"Our royalties have run out. This place is being foreclosed"
"Altogether now "We are off to see the Wizard...."
"Everyone "Somewhere over the rainbow..."
"With a brain, courage and a heart, how did we wind up on these rockers?"
"With our brain, courage and a heart, let's write a sequel!"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

25. I bet that Tim Rickard won't like any of our incontinence jokes!
32. Why do you two keep humming Somewhere Over the Rainbow!
33. Where's Dorothy?
34. Tin Man, I have a feeling we're not in Emerald City anymore!
35. Some people without brains do an awful lot of talking!
36. There's no place like home!
Nancy Nelson

Yeah! We had it made and then you had to go and eat Toto..
Charles Long, Greensboro

"...if I only had a cane!" (picture this with musical notes)
Tom Shelmerdine, Greensboro
I liked this. It made the short list.

1.)Maybe we should have asked for movie royalties instead
2.)You would think she would call or write but nooooooooooooo
3.)In my day I had to melt 6 witches before noon and the flying monkeys were 6 ft tall 4.)HA! She said she would miss me most of all.Remember?Remember?
5.)Oz never did give nuthin to the tin man
6.)Today I had a poop of a different color
7.)I wish we had known about that melting thing from the start.
8.) That house Dorothy dropped sure came in handy
9.)Tin man I sure hope that was your chair.
TIM TRIBBETT, GREENSBORO
"If I only had a brain...and better prostate health...and kids that visited me...and a porch with a better view....and..."
Ashley K., Greensboro

I say it's a stupid rule, "no pets allowed," what about Toto. I miss him so much!
"You guys are lucky. My plan doesn't cover this place, so every October I have to stand?outside here like a jerk."
"That old farmer keeps pulling pieces off of me and sticking them in his mouth."
Stephen Botts, Greensboro

" Ouch ! Finally found that needle ... sat on it ! ! !
"Let's draw straws ! Oops ! "
" May be tin outside, but heart of gold inside ! "
" You belong in AN Retirement Home ! "
" His heart is GOLD ! "
" Funny ! I can't even remember her name now ! "
" We're history now ! "
" Stop purring or Tin will put his head in your mouth ! "
" No ! She never rolled in the hay ! "
" Hayride ! Yes ! Yes ! Yes !
" Stop calling me haystack ! Please ! "
" Left or right, a brain is a brain ! "
" Who said I was brain-dead ? "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

" Toto's house is lot better than this"
Joan Hunt, Greensboro

" This sure doesn't look like Kansas to me"
Ken Hunt, Greensboro

"Are you sure the Wizard said Medicare covers us here?"
Ken Hunt, Greensboro

Oh, the life I’d be leadin’, and the meals I’d be eatin’ if I only had my teeth.
(Sorry, but I had to!)
No, I didn’t rock on your tail.
Was that your chair squeaking or was it you?
How come Dorothy never comes to visit?
J. C. Winkler, Greensboro
I liked the first (song) one.

I said I'd see monkeys fly before I ended up here.
J. C. Winkler, Greensboro

1. “Dorothy called last night. Said she moved into a trailer park and should see us soon.”
2. “Remember when we dropped acid and saw all those flying monkeys?”
3. “Am I dreaming she’s dreaming, or is that Dorothy?”
4. “What if it was all just a dream?”
Tom Norman, Greensboro

Times are tough -- the munchkins are auditioning for Snap, Crackle and Pop ads.
Joan Lux Greensboro

Stop complainin' Tin Man- you're lucky they didn't recycle you....
Click the heels on your orthopedic shoes and see where you land.
Joan Lux Greensboro

36. There's no place like a retirement home!
37. There'll be no monkey business around here!
38. Remember we must tap our heels together three times if we want to see Dorothy!
40. Stuff it!
Nancy Nelson
Liked the retirement home one (36.) A virtual toss-up between it and the runner-up of the same theme.

"CHEER UP BOYS, THINGS COULD BE WORSE. WE COULD STILL BE ON THE ROAD BATTLING THOSE FLYING MONKEYS.
BILL FISCHBACH, ALTAMAHAW

"WHO KNEW THE YELLOW BRICK ROAD WOULD END HERE."
JENELL FISCHBACH, ALTAMAHAW

"PHEW ! TINMAN DID YOU SQUEAK?
FERN TIMMONS, ALTAMAHAW

"Aw, there he’s gone and rusted himself again!"
Dianne McLaughlin, Pittsboro

I need to be restuffed , Lion, you need to be brave, Tin Man needs a new heart, I say we get off our duffs, we have a life to save, Us old ..... can get Tin Man that new heart.
Nancy Nelson

"Ding dong, the witch is dead...yeah, this morning...massive stroke."
"What use is a brain that can't remember a darn thing?"
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro
Welcome back, Brandon

"When Dorothy said there's no place like home, I didn't think she meant this home."
"Hey Tin man, is that your rocker squeaking or is it you?"
Frank Beamon, Greensboro
Frank, also a good one (first one) but lost out amoung our judges to the runner-up of the same theme.

"A heart, a brain, courage..who knew to ask about long term care insurance???"
"There's certainly no place like THIS home."
Colleen McGuire, Greensboro
Also a contender in the best “no place like home” runner-up spot

The cornfield I grew up in is now producing ethanol.
I never thought back then that I was guarding ethanol.
I play the market -- I'm into corn futures.
Those crows were on to something when they'd get gassed on over-ripe corn.
"As the crow flies" -- now there's a phrase I grew up with.
What's a scarecrow's favorite phrase -- "Aw shucks."
Joan Lux Greensboro

The hardest place to guard cornfields is in western North Carolina.
Of course all my jokes are corny.
Joan Lux Greensboro
… hmmm … no comment …

41. I've had a good life, I'm ready to meet my maker!
42. Stop doing that I can still smell!
43. When we were young lads, we had to walk miles just to get to...
44. If the USA needs more gas, they can have mine!
45. Escape, why I can't even get down those steps!
45. I'd rather Rock than Roll.
46. It's too quiet ,I can't sleep!
46. Where's the outhouse... oops too late?!
Nancy Nelson

48. Stop mumbling and speak up!
49. I can't HEAR you!
50. I wish our nurse would come back we're missing "All my Children"!
51. It's time for Jeopardy!
52. Are you cold or is it just me?!
53. I'm tired of eating creamed corn I want a Big Mac!
Nancy Nelson

" Next stop ! Over the Rainbow ! "
" Oh ! Somewhere over the rainbow ! "
" Finally ! Home ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

1.? If it wasn't enough she was born green,? they gave her the name Elphaba!
2.? I'm writing a poem. What rhymes with witch?
Polly Flory, Greensboro

Some brain the Wiz' gave me. Here I sit retired and never even made runner up in "The Jokes On You"
Dan Smith, Greensboro

Yeah, I could have had a part in Gone With The Wind too, but it was only a cameo in a potato field.
Barbara Cashman, Greensboro

"Any zebra nuggets left?"
"Musical Chairs anyone?"
"Anyone up for Musical Chairs?"
"All together now...'In the circle, the circle of life..'"
"This isn't so bad.I heard they have an Oz Idol night."
Marsha Elam, Greensboro

"I think we missed a turn."
"Where are the winged monkeys when you need them?"
"We wouldn't be here if you hadn't run out of oil, Tin Man."
"Don't blame me Tin Man. We wouldn't be here if you hadn't run out of oil."
Marsha Elam, Greensboro

1, I never imagined that the yellow brick road ended here.
2. Why did the staff dress us like this? Haloween is in October.
3. I thought Dorothy was our friend.
4. This proves it!! Never trust a woman with a sugardaddy wizard..
5. He feels sluggish-- his oil needs changing.
6. The movie didn't end like this.
7. Why oh why did we trust her?
8. The residents here look strange to me.
9. Is it just me or is this a small porch?
10. I couldn't find Kansas on Mapquest..
11. Dorothy who?
Dave Sheets, Greensboro

"There's no place like the rest home."
"In my next life, I want to be a bumbling farmhand."
"I can't remember my name but the sum of the remaining sides of an isosceles triangle....."
"I say we bust out of our Depends and make our own yellow brick road."
"I know how to escape, we run that way.... but sometimes people go that way."
"It was a crazy dream. I was in it, and you were there and you were there too."
"I wonder who really put the ape in apricot?"
"Lion, now that I'm in charge, bring me the mop of the night janitor."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

If I'd had half a brain I would have saved more for retirement.
David Robinette

"well that was some brain that the wizard gave me. If I'm so smart, how did I end up here with you two?
Dana Smith, Greensboro

1) “My bad!”
2) “ You’re in the wrong place. This is Yellow Brick Court.“
3) “I’ve got a feeling we are not incontinent anymore.“
4) “It’s 2:30 pm . You guys ready to go to K & W for dinner?“
5) “Hey…..when did we come outside?”
6) “It’s been awhile but at one time I could break a camel’s back .“
7) “Every time I tell them about Dorothy they increase my meds!“
8) “Calm down Captain Courage, that monkey is in an entirely different panel.”
9) “ Why do I always get déjà vu when I listen to Dark Side of the Moon?”
10) “I remember when this place was nothing but a field of grass, come to think of it, so was I.”
11) “She said she’d miss me the most, now live with it furball!”
12) “He’s mad because now he has to ask the wizard for a pacemaker”
13) “You think you got it bad, I suffer from hayfever!
14) “Judging from the number of times he gets up at night, he’s missing a bladder too”
15) “I know cats and rocking chairs don’t get along but that’s no reason to cry.”
16) “I hear Bush is trying to get Congress to let him drill in the
Emerald City.“
17) “You’re fooling no one but yourself with that fake mane.”
18) “For the last time, I can’t scare away crow’s feet.”
19) “I can’t eat another bite, I’m stuffed.”
20) “Talk about irony. Your courage comes in a bottle, Tin Man has heart disease, and I have attention deficit disorder!!!”
Joel Clark, Greensboro

"We went from the rainbow to the hill."
"Had we held on to the ruby slippers, we'd have in home care too."
Phil Valla, Greensboro

I wish we had been in Star Wars, they have a lot better meals.
Jerry Kyle, High Point

"You think the great and powerful Oz (Sharon Ozment) will like it here now that Mo is taking over as head of Guilford County Schools?"
Brooke Shaffer

1. Did you really think he was going to pass the airport metal detectors?
2. If you had used the men's room there wouldn't have been a yellow brick road.
3. Next time follow the yellow brick road with no side trips to see Snow White.
4. Stop complaining about not being picked by Tim Rickard, there's always next week.
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden

1. I don't think this is the "home" Dorothy was referring to.
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden

WELL,?is?this the end of the yellow brick road?!!
Rock Elder, Greensboro

"O.K., it's true. I really wanted to wear those red shoes. Is that so wrong?"
Reta Beck, Greensboro
I really liked this one. Not enough other judges agreed with me, though.

Wake up! I just remembered what we were doing in 1939.
Joan Lux Greensboro

"We gave Dorothy the best hours of our lives, but does she come to visit? No!"
"When they told us to follow the yellow brick road, I never imaged it would lead here."
"It wouldn't be so bad, but my back can't take the Munchkin-sized beds for one more night."
"After everything we did for them, even the Munchkins don't visit."
Heidi Huber, ON Canada

1. "Come on lion, say it one time. There's no place like rest home. There's no place like rest home."
2. "Cheer up lion, at least we're not in Southstairs."
3. "You just had to follow the Yellow Brick Road By-pass didn't you?"
Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro

"Those damn munchkins stole my colostomy bag again!"
"Remember the wicked witch? I nailed her."
"The Tin Man should be thankful that he still gets a little stiff."
"Yeah, me and Carrot Top were an item once. What of it?"
"Just how high was Frank when he created us?"
"Did I ever tell you about the time the Wizard showed me his staff?"
"The Tin Man says he likes it when you grease him up."
"So I told Dorothy that if she ever told anyone about me and Toto, I'd kill her."
"We needed a brain, a heart, and courage. Who knew we were Democrats?"
"So there we were: Me, Dorothy, and Auntie Em, all smeared in bacon grease.."
"You try standing in a field all day, having birds crap all over you!"
"So there we were: Me, Dorothy, and a tank full of laughing gas."
"Just click your false teeth three times and say, 'Please change my diaper'."
"So there we were: Me, Dorothy, and a five gallon tub of whipped cream."
"I believe it's called 'manage a trois'.."
"Trust me, dude. That chick Glinda gets wild when you pump a couple of shots of Jager into her."
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

Let's see if the wizard will give us a prescription plan.
GET OFF THE LAWN !!!!
Hey munchkins, pull your pants up........young whippersnappers !!!
After those flying monkeys brought the wizard's balloon down things really got ugly.
I swear guys, Liza Minnelli is my love child.
If I had to do it again, I'd ask for a smaller prostate.
How come you guys never believe me when I tell you I slept with Glinda ?
I heard that Dorothy tried to come back for a visit but accidentally ended up at the prison.
He's not dead, we just had a little shower.
I love Dark Side of the Moon, I feel so in-sync with that record.
Today he thinks he's Bender from Futurama.
If he keeps wearing that make-up he'll have to ask for a new lung.
Judging by the smell around here, those bricks aren't yellow because they're made of gold.
Would you stop, you can't even get one paw behind your back anymore.
I don't know why she was in such a hurry to get home. Kansas is God's bowling alley.
This place really went down hill after the Oompa Loompas started to jump the border.
I hear Dorothy's kid really has some serious issues.
Would you look at that. Those sorry flying monkeys are selling drugs right out in the open.
I was hoping that the Yellow Brick Road led to Florida.
Dorothy's house makes a great place to retire but I can still smell the witch.
Here comes another one, hand me the flying monkey spray.
I wonder if the wizard can help me get on medicare ?
After using the bathroom after you, I know why that munchkin hung himself on the set.
You know what they say........once you go munchkin !!!
Great, I get a brain just in time to get Alzheimers.
Darrell Clark, Winston-Salem
Some good ones here, Darrell. Several made the short list

"Whatever you do, don't mention 'We're not in Kansas Anymore!' to some guy named Tim Richard."
"Whatever you do, don't mention 'We're not in Kansas Anymore!' to some guy named Tim Richard.'.....apparently it turns him into a tornado...& we all know how That goes."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro
Tim RICHARD?

"Who knew we'd Peak with those danged flying Monkeys??"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"What's an IRS Stimulas Rebate?....."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

My brain's a little fuzzy today -- where's the Wizard?
Between a heart transplant, a brain transplant, and a psychiatrist to bolster courage, we could put a hurt on Medicare.
We wouldn't have had our great adventure if there was national health care back then.
Sweet nurse on 2nd floor -- her name's "Glinda."
Joan Lux, Greensboro

" Who said I was a smart aleck ? "
" Smart-alecky, who said ? "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

"I think something is wrong. I get a burning sensation when you urinate!"
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

"Yessiree, you fellows will love it here. No witches, wizards, or monkeys. But the best part? None of that whiny 'I-want-to-go-home' Dorothy and that mutt of hers."
"I just ran into that McCain fellow again; still mumbling about being president. And they say I have no brains."
"And if you do wonder off and get lost, DO NOT follow a golden brick road."
"After retirement, I wanted to be put out to pasture. But they stuck me here instead."
"My nurse is so cute. She keeps asking if I want a hay-ride. Still don't get that one."
Stephen Botts, Greensboro

"Hey funnel head, still mad Iron Man made it to JOY before you did?"
"We're off to see the proctologist..."
"Anyone want to play shuffleboard with the munchkins this afternoon?"
"Somewhere over my brain woes..."
"Fellas we're in hi-deaf now."..
"Hey Tin Man, don't you wish you had the heart of a lion?"
"When's the last time your nephew Iron Man visited you TM?"
"I just don't see any resemblance between you and Iron Man."
"How was that Pennzoil Pie Iron Man brought you Tin Man?"
Gray Amick, Greensboro

"His PPO won't cover his oil change."
"He is waiting for Terrence Man to come back out of the cornfield."
"Jim Cantore said a tornado was spotted in the area."
"The allegory of the silver and gold standards was all overblown ..."
"Where's Glenda when you need her?"
Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough

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