News-Record.com

Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com

Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.

LAST WEEK'S WINNER
So, whadda ya think of my selections? Agree? Disagree? Let me know what you think.
Leave a comment. Tell me your pick. Tell me why the ones I picked stink. Or, if you must, tell me how brilliant my choices are.

Once again this week, no strong consensus on a winner. So, the twelve-year-old in me did the picking. Could you tell?
Some of you must be on vacation, as I didn’t see several familiar names this week. Wish you were here.
And it’s poetry month at the Jokes On You blog. A couple weeks ago, Bob Mannary graced us with a touching Haiku, this week, a poem (of sorts) from Bob Beitzel. I may have to come up with a best poem category.

WINNER
"I know it was you...it was still warm when it hit me..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro
Bob ties Joel in the race to catch CC.

RUNNERS-UP
This isn't much of a family reunion ...
Jon Barsanti Jr.
I liked this one.

“So you and your friend finally wrote some Shakespeare. Took you long enough.“
Joel Clark, Greensboro
Very clever.

"How could you miss 'prehensile' on the spelling test?"
Kris Voy, Trinity

"Tarzan no able to get new iPhone to work either."
David C. Ribar, Greensboro
I liked the goofy nature of Kris' and Davids'

WHAT kind of business?
Bill Beerman, Greensboro
Surprise!

"Am I adopted?"
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

"I'm not your uncle, it's just an expression."
Stephen Botts, Greensboro

And one more thing, I'm really tired of cleaning the hair out of the shower drain.
Darrell Clark, Winston-Salem

MATURE AUDIENCES
I've seen your room. It's a case of monkey pee monkey poo .
Darrell Clark, Winston-Salem

“Sorry about last night. I believe they call it having ‘jungle fever’…. “
“Tarzan looking for some jungle love, O-Wee-O-Wee-O….”
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

“Remember, if anyone asks, we were just wrestling….”
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

“Don’t argue with me, just put the wig on!”
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

“Yes, that is what they mean by ‘blowing bubbles’!”
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden
You need help, Bob.

"Don't make me spank you..."
"As a matter of fact that WAS a banana in my pocket!"
Bob Mannary

"Banana Flavored Condoms!!! Where'd you get That idea??"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

“Yes, it IS a banana in my loincloth, and No, I'm not happy to see you."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

BEST POEM
(from Bob Beitzel)
“How do I love thee, let me count the ways:
Thy silky back hair;
the way thy eats a banana with such loving care;
the graceful way thee throweth thy waste;
and most mportantly, thy inability to call the authorities.”
M. Jackson, Neverland Ranch
Seriously. Seek help.

BEST INSIDE JOKE
"Look...just give me a darn caption for the picture already..."
"I don't know why they do it either...it's for entertainment purposes only and they can't even wager."
Bob Mannary

BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE
“Can I have your autograph, Mr. Tork?”
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

“You damned dirty ape!”
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

(Fire up the time machine for this reference)
But I thought my "ugh-ugh" enhanced your "Aba Daba Honeymoon" song.
Joan Lux Greensboro

And now for the gratuitous Looney Toon reference:
"I sure hope Petrillo doesn't hear about this."
Bob Mannary
C'mon Bob, any Looney Toon reference, anytime. Just try and get one past me. (The "never forget a face" one doesn't count, as Groucho Marx first said that.")

Bucky's looking for you. (think Fuzzy)
David Downing, Greensboro

THE REST
"I'm still evolving, OK? Give me a break!"
Margaret Patton, Greensboro

"What exactly are you saying about Charles Darwin and evolution?"
Mark Rosenbaum, Greensboro

1. I'm getting to old to swing from the vines!
2. Stop with the monkey business.
3. Did you have to eat ALL the bananas?
4. You've been sold to an organ grinder!
5. No Geico doesn't want you!
6. You want Jane to scratch your head.
7. Looks like it's time for another flea bath!
8. Jane doesn't even scratch my head!
9. Stop doing that you'll go BALD!
10. What do you mean, a caveman can't do it?
11. What do you mean monkey see monkey do?!
Nancy Nelson

"Have you tried Head and Shoulders?"
Harvey B. Herman, Greensboro

"You may look like my mother-in-law, but that doesn't mean we're related."
"Mom, what did my daddy look like?"
"Dad, you promised that I'd grow up and be as handsome as you."
Ken Layton, Carthage

"I may be out on a limb here, but I think it's too bad we didn't keep all that hair".
April Baker, Greensboro

" Yes ! We have NO bananas ! "
" Where are all our bananas, sherlock ? "
" Cheetah say Jane eating us out of house and home. Jane say it Cheeta ! "
" Where's my vine, Sherlock ? "
" Wonder whose teeth marks those are on my vine ? "
" Think no evil ! Now that's certainly original ! "
" Think no evil ! "
" Who said you where here first ! "
" Me can hang ten with no vine too !
" Monkey see, monkey do ! "
" I can't hang around long ! "
" Haircut ! Look whose talking ! "
" Stop using body lanuage ! "
" Your question has me stumped ! "
" Your question has me out on a limb ! "
" I'm thinking of installing monkey bars. "

" What makes you think monkey bars would help ? "
" I want to know my genealogy ! "
" Am I adopted ? "
" Roots ! What are my roots ! "
" Tell me about the family tree ! "
" Tell me about our family tree ! ! !
" This is a good place to discuss the family tree. "
" Is this my branch of the family tree ? "
" So this is my branch on the family tree ! "
" You told me this was my branch on the family tree ! "
" You are on my branch of our family tree ! "
" Why do you question my lineage ? We're on the same branch of the family tree ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

"What do you mean, where did I come from?", or
"What did you do with my vine? I want to swing over and see Jane."
Charles Cameron, Greensboro

Where's your prehensile tail, or did it evolve into something else like mine did?
Someone has to be the leader -- let's try rock . . . what are the other 2?
You're obviously an Old World monkey -- see if you can catch up.
I'm sure the City Council will discuss our plight at their next closed session.
Ever heard the saying, "This limb's not big enough for both of us"?
Of course I appreciate your intellect -- you're scratching the right end, aren't you?
Joan Lux, Greensboro

1) Me Tarzan. You Jane?
2) Monkey see, monkey what?
3) WHAT kind of business?
4) I suggest you try a different shampoo!
5) That cartoonist left us out on a limb!
6) No, my folks got here before yours.
Bill Beerman, Greensboro

"Her name's Wilma and she's mine..."
"I know it was you...it was still warm when it hit me..."
"No I'm NOT your Uncle..."
"Who are you and what have you done with Dino?"
"Me Tarzan...hope to GOD you not Jane?"
"Look...just give me a darn caption for the picture already..."
"OK...here are the choices...'We just met and you're already trying to change me, 'I’m not real. You dropped acid about a ½ hour ago.' and 'Uhm... have you tried eHarmony?' whatcha think?

"I know it was you...there's a Barrel of Monkeys on the nightstand and a banana peel in the bathroom sink..."
"Who left your barrel open?"
"No I don't know where Mr. Peebles lives."
"OK...now rub your stomach at the same time..."
"I sure hope Petrillo doesn't hear about this."
"What's a Haiku?"
"Brewster Rockit...from the funnies...you know...Space Guy??"
"Just leave it on the ground next time..."
"I don't know WHY they used the word SPANK..."
"Sorry buddy, they closed Neverland years ago..."
"If you don't stop putting Chiquita stickers on my back I am going to kill you!"
"Don't make me spank you..." ;-)
"Who ELSE would've covered the entire television screen with Chiquita Banana stickers?"
"Look...for the last time...STOP LEAVING YOUR BANANA PEELS IN MY UNDERWEAR DRAWER!!!"
"Wherever you drop it, leave it!"
"I've seen you before. I never forget a face. But in your case, I'll make an exception..."
"Where did you hide my nipples THIS time?"
"As a matter of fact that WAS a banana in my pocket!"
"No, I didn't bring you a banana so STOP reaching in my pocket!"
"Never mind how I got up here...where's the TV remote?"
"Look...I appreciate the thought but I prefer to groom myself thank you..."
"One more prank like that and it's off to the zoo with you!"
"Yes I'm serious...all you have to do is draw a cartoon and then pick a caption for it from the readers..."
"I don't know why they do it either...it's for entertainment purposes only and they can't even wager."
"Quit trying to give me the slip..."
"Sorry...I'm just glad to see you..."
"Yes it IS so easy even a caveman could do it.."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

12. I don't have time to monkey around.
12. I Tarzan, King of the Apes, you just monkey!
13. Jane say she going back to city?
14. Jane want me to build bigger treehouse.
15. Ugh,Jane wants me to lose weight!
16. You speak foreign language can't understand you!
17. I'm thinking about moving into a cave.
18. Jane say she pregnant need more tree space!
Nancy Nelson

" It is puzzling, both of us from same branch of family tree ! "
" You know I'm no good at sigh language ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

The bananas were recalled - how about coconuts?
George, why are you so curious about Jane?
No, I haven't seen a man with a yellow hat.
For the last time, BJ & the Bear is not out on DVD!
There are not casting calls for Jumanji 2.
Do I look fat in this?
They voted ME off the island ...
No Bananas Foster for you tonight.
This isn't much of a family reunion ...
Jon Barsanti Jr, Greensboro

You seem puzzled
Polly Flory

"I'm Tarzan, King of the jungle, so who do you think you are, questioning my authority?
Dana Smith, Greensboro NC

19. NASA wants to sent you into outer space!
20. George I am Curious as to why you're always scratching yourself!
21. So you're George of the Jungle!
Nancy Nelson

1. Bucky's looking for you.
2. You've gotta quit slinging your stuff at Jane.
3. For crying out loud. It's not a banana already.
David Downing, Greensboro

Why are we always out on a limb?
Our swinging is causing talk.....
Do you have lice again?
I did not bug you.......
I am tired of picking you......
Christine Keaton, Randleman

"For the last time, go get me another vine!"
Diane Bishop, Greensboro

"So, you have doubts about evolution."
Carl Niedziela, Pelham

Ever think that you might have evolved from us?
Mack Arrington, Greensboro

Does "aba daba daba daba" mean fire or wooly mammoth?
But I thought my "ugh-ugh" enhanced your "Aba Daba Honeymoon" song.
And an "aba daba daba daba daba daba dab" to you too.
So you don't know what "aba daba daba daba" means?
What? My "ugh-ugh" doesn't make sense to you?
Joan Lux, Greensboro

" I'll be a monkey's uncle, we're on same branch of family tree ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

"Have a little respect, after all I'm your uncle."
Paul Micka, Asheboro

"Grounded means you stay in the tree."
"I said 'grounded,' but I meant 'treed'."
"Guess the laundry's piling up on your branch again?"
"How could you miss 'prehensile' on the spelling test?"
"I said I'd like a cappuccino, not a capuchin!"
"Jane! I asked for a cappuccino, not a capuchin!"
"OK, drop Jane's mangoes!"
"Why would you think you're adopted?"
"Next time you check me for ticks, you get a knuckle sandwich!"
Every year when school starts, your malaria kicks in."
Kris Voy,Trinity

"For the last time, where did you leave Jane?"
Lola Spence, Washington, PA

"Loin cloths are out of season!"
Lawson Saul, Greensboro

1. “I’m not Tarzan! I’m just working through some personal issues.”
2. “Why did you show Jane my college thesis paper? You’ve ruined the whole ‘me Tarzan you Jane’ thing.”
3. “Does this leopard skin make me look fat?”
4. “What kind of monkey business are you running? You promised me Batman tickets.”
5. “This is the last time I go out on a limb for you.”
Tom Norman, Greensboro

"I'm puzzled where Rickard put Jane too."
"I'm smarter because I said so, that's why!"
"NO, and I'm not going to nit pick either!"
"Please stop doing that Laurel imitation."
Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro

1. "These are designer shorts."
George Cornett, Greensboro

"Book, movie or song title?"
"You always forget to tell me if it's a book, movie or song title."
"We're lost, aren't we?"
Marsha Elam, Greensboro

Confused? "Yes, I am Tarzan"
Sarah Falkener

"Trust me, my friend Michael isn't weird at all!"
"No, that is not a banana in my pocket."
"You damned dirty ape!"
"Just for tonight, can your name be Jane?"
"Yes, that is what they mean by 'blowing bubbles'!"
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

"Where did hide Jane's clothes?!"
"No, I don't know the way to Jungle Land!!"
"You are over your time-on-vine minutes again!!"
"Yes, we have the same ancestors. No, we are not brothers!"
"I am not an endangered specie, yet!!"
"You can't borrow the key to the Express Vine!!"
"Tarzan would of done this. I am sick of hearing that!!"
"I can't help you. Investing all in banana futures was not wise!!
"Monkey see. Monkey do". What in the world does that mean??"
"No, I have never met Mickie's Monkey!!"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

NO WAY: I AM NOT YOUR GRANDPARENT!!!
S. Lee Sorrells, Greensboro

"Who did you expect, Batman?"
"What you've never seen a guy in a loin cloth?"
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

Me saw you monkey around with Jane again. Me change your name to "Cheatah".
Dan E. Smith, Greensboro

"Tarzan no able to get new IPhone to work either."
David C. Ribar, Greensboro

"I keep telling you we need one more person for monkey in the middle."
"For the last time, my name is not Fred."
"Do these loins make me look fat."
" I'm just a boxer kind of guy, always will be."
"I washed them, it comes with spots."
Scott Smith, McLeansville

1) " Would you know anything about the dent in the family vine ? "
2) " If you want to impress me then rub your stomach at the same time."
3) " I'll flip you for the big branch . "
4) " Until you learn not to throw that at people then you can stay in the tree . "
5) " Me Tarzan, she Jane , you third wheel !!! "
6) " Got lice ?? "
7) " You wouldn't know why I have lice do you ? "
8) " Find another place to stay. I'm not the landlord of the apes ! "
9) " I know we are distant relatives but I'm not picking them off of you . "
10) " I see you got tired of living on Amy Winehouse's back . "
11) " My tree house, my rules . "
12) " Sorry, can't hang out today. Jane gave me a honey do list . "
13) " So you and your friend finally wrote some Shakespeare . Took you long enough . "
14) " What do you need a cell phone for ? "
15) " You have opposable thumbs, make your own breakfast ! "
Joel Clark, Greensboro

"Mr. President, It's a jungle out there."
"What do you mean Jane is monkeying around?"
"What makes you think you're adopted?"
"First the government takes their share, than the oil companies take theirs, now my wife is asking for the shirt off my back."
“If I told you once I've told you a million times. It is pronounced NUCLEAR not NUKULAR."
Noelle Polson Jacksonville, FL

"Remember, if anyone asks, we were just wrestling.."
"Sorry, George, acting curious just won't get you anywhere in life."
"How would you like it if I threw mine at you?"
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

"Me Tarzan, you Cheeta"
"Whadaya mean you think we're related?"
"Which vine do I take to Walmart?"
Dan Forney, Greensboro

"No, Earl. I said, Don't throw a fit at the lions."
"When Goodall heard we were swingers, she told me to beat it."
"I'm not your uncle, it's just an expression."
"Shirley Maclaine will be here in a minute."
Stephen Botts, Greensboro

6. “Are you mocking me?”
7. “What took you so long? I called of the wild hours ago.”
Tom Norman, Greensboro

"Don't play dumb with me. Where is my Banana?"
Dave Derence, Greensboro

I told you NOT to go to Las Vegas with your stimulus check.
Luis Mendoza, Greensboro

"You're once.. twice..three times a primate.. "
"Don't argue with me, just put the wig on!"
"What's that, Bobo? You wrote me a haiku?"
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

What? You've never played rock, mammoth hide, jawbone?
Joan Lux, Greensboro

1."ME TARZAN,NOT MICHAEL".
2."NO THIS IS NOT NEVERLAND RANCH, IT'S THE JUNGLE, SAME DIFFERENCE THOUGH".
Paula Hairston, Greensboro

"Believe me, evolving is not all its cracked up to be."
"Sure, I'll tell you what happened - you slept right through that last mutation."
"Seriously, my great grandfather looked just like you!"
Joe Weiss, Greensboro

When are you going to shave?
Team-Walter

1-Want a career in the arts? You can dance around with a cup while I grind out music.
Max Harless, High Point

"Yes, it IS a banana in my loincloth, and No, I'm not happy to see you."
"G.A.L.A.P.A.G.O.S.....yeah, they finally found out it was named for Great Apes Love All Primates And Grow Own Species'....great Origin, huh?"
"Looks like our family reunion is going to be held this year at some place called the Galapagos Islands. You in??"
"I know it's hard to believe, but Jane said that you and I weren't intellectually stimulating enough for her. "
"How many times do I have to tell you!....now that Jane's gone, YOU cook, I clean."
"The vet said that you have ADHD.....maybe Jane would have stayed if you would have taken your medicine."
"...And that's where babies come from."
"Banana Flavored Condoms!!! Where'd you get That idea??"
"No I do NOT know where to buy Banana Flavored Condoms!!!"
"Let me tell you about Jane's Addiction."
"Well, she went away....but I know we'll hear more about Jane's Addiction later."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"When Jane said 'Who's Your Daddy?'.......oh, never mind."
"No, I am NOT your Daddy."
"No, you can't go play with Kong. He's gone to New York for the summer."
"I know Simba is your friend, but his Pride won't let him come to our side of the Jungle anymore."
"No, you cannot go play with Kong or Simba. It's almost dinner time."
"...Know that house in tree me built for you and your friends....Jane left. Me want to move in."
"Females??? If I knew how to find one, I'd find ME one."
"....what don't you understand?"
"We've been together all these years and you're telling me you've never understood a word I've said???"
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden

19. NASA wants to send you into outer space!
22. I'm taking you to the ZOO!
23. What do you mean, you need a vacation?!
24. What do you mean, you need a change of scenery?!
Nancy Nelson

"Quick, before they get here! Help me bury Jane's body!"
"Tarzan out of Viagra. No longer able to swing from vine."
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

“Looks like we share the same family roots.”
“Since you’re a relative you can have this banana-themed loincloth when I outgrow it.”
Gray Amick, Greensboro

"Sorry about last night. I believe they call it having 'jungle fever'.. "
"Were those rumors about you and Ronald Reagan really true?"
"Tarzan looking for some jungle love, O-Wee-O-Wee-O.."
"Who are you supposed to be, Think No Evil?"
"I don't understand why Clay Aiken is so popular, either."
"I'm tired of you monkeying around all the time!"
"You're John Edwards' secret lover?
"Can I have your autograph, Mr. Tork?"
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

"I'm sorry my daughter won't go to the banana festival with you, but she insists that you're just not her type."
Reta, Greensboro

"OK, Cheetah, you can get the hair plugs, but this is the LAST TIME I'm going out on a limb for you."
Lisa Patteson, Summerfield

If the Shakespeare theory is correct then how do you explain the internet ?
I know you were a lab monkey but you're not smoking in my house.
No I don't want to discuss the creationist-evolutionist issue with you.
Evolution doesn't work that way. You'll always be a monkey.
And one more thing, I'm really tired of cleaning the hair out of the shower drain.
I've talked to the organ grinder about a summer job for you.
Who told you that you can only play on the monkey bars ?
Let me get this straight, you want ham and cheese on banana bread ?
How'd you like to end up in a bag of Rhesus pieces ?
You expect me to believe that the weasel just went pop ?
I've seen your room. It's a case of monkey pee monkey poo .
Talk back again and you'll find out why the baboon butt is red .
You are proof that Darwin was an idiot.
You not the missing link.
Ohh yeah ? Your relatives still live in their family tree.
Darrell Clark, Winston-Salem

"How do I love thee, let me count the ways: Thy silky back hair; the way thy
eats a banana with such loving care; the graceful way thee throweth thy
waste; and most mportantly, thy inability to call the authorities."
M. Jackson, Neverland Ranch
(Bob Beitzel)

1. Don't look at my body that way, I've got feelings, too!
2. Haven't you seen a speciman of a good looking man before?
3. So, do you have a problem with downsizing?
Liam Stapleton, Greensboro

There was this big bang and then . . .
Fr. Louis Canino, OFM, Greensboro
" Don't give me that monkey look."
" I know you been swinging with Jane."
"No, I didn't shave the hair off my chest."
"When the last time you did something about that dandruff!"
James E. Ferrell, McLeansville

SNAIL MAIL
(to come)