News-Record.com

For next week’s cartoon, we’re going to try a little experiment.
Add a caption or dialog to this old engraving. Have fun.
Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com
THIS E-MAIL LINK WORKS NOW. SOMEONE JUST BROUGHT IT UP TO ME THAT IT WASN’T WORKING BEFORE.

Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.

LAST WEEK'S WINNER
So, whadda ya think of my selections? Agree? Disagree? Let me know what you think.
Leave a comment. Tell me your pick. Tell me why the ones I picked stink. Or, if you must, tell me how brilliant my choices are.

This week’s most common captions were variations of “So this is where the yellow brick road leads.” Props to Joel Tuggle for providing the most Oz-oteric captions. Bob Beitzel was up to his usual hijinks. And for this week’s poetry corner, a limerick from Dennis LaJeunesse. And apologies to Tim Tribbett who provided maybe the funniest caption, but it was both a wee-bit obscure and scatological. But a hoot, nevertheless.

WINNER
You'd think she'd at least send cookies at Christmas-- Miss me most off all, my foot!
Tony Hummel, Reidsville
Really fit the theme with just obscure enough, but not too much, of an "Oz" reference.

RUNNERS-UP
"I don't think we're in Kansas anymore."
Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough

"If I only had a brain...and better prostate health...and kids that visited me...and a porch with a better view....and..."
Ashley K., Greensboro

"Ding dong, the witch is dead...yeah, this morning... massive stroke."
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

"It was a crazy dream. I was in it, and you were there and you were there too."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

“Judging from the number of times he gets up at night, he’s missing a bladder too.“
Joel Clark, Greensboro

I don't think this is the "home" Dorothy was referring to.
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden
Lots of gags with this theme, We just thought this worked best.

BEST INSIDE JOKE
Some brain the Wiz' gave me. Here I sit retired and never even made runner up in "The Jokes On You"Dan Smith, Greensboro
Keep trying, you'll get there.

“Any zebra nuggets left?”
Marsha Elam, Greensboro

I bet that Tim Rickard will not like any of our incontinence jokes!
Nancy Nelson
Wrong.

Scrap thieves almost got Tin Man in Greensboro....
Christine Keaton, Randleman

“Calm down Captain Courage, that monkey is in an entirely different panel.“
Joel Clark, Greensboro

"I hear the Flying Monkeys were related to that dumb chimp in the last cartoon!"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

BEST OZ-BSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE
A couple that I overlooked that came from a series of Oz books written by Gregory Maguire.
"Cheer up lion, at least we're not in Southstairs."
Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro

If it wasn't enough she was born green,? they gave her the name Elphaba!
Polly Flory, Greensboro

Today I had a poop of a different color.
Tim Tribbett,dvm Greensboro
My favorite gag. Made me laugh. But it didn't make the cut mostly because of it's obscure nature. I think I was the only judge who got it.

" We belong in OZ section, Lion is in AP ! "
( Name OZ came from filing cabinet section )
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

Oz never did give nuthin to the tin man.
Tim Tribbett Greensboro

“Why do I always get déjà vu when I listen to Dark Side of the Moon?“
Joel Clark, Greensboro

I love Dark Side of the Moon, I feel so in-sync with that record.
Darrell Clark, Winston-Salem

"In my next life, I want to be a bumbling farmhand."
"I can't remember my name but the sum of the remaining sides of an isosceles triangle....."
"I know how to escape, we run that way.... but sometimes people go that way."
"It was a crazy dream. I was in it, and you were there and you were there too."
"I wonder who really put the ape in apricot?"
"Lion, now that I'm in charge, bring me the mop of the night janitor."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
Brilliant stuff, Joel

MATURE AUDIENCES
“Remember the wicked witch? I nailed her.”
“The Tin Man should be thankful that he still gets a little stiff.”
“Did I ever tell you about the time the Wizard showed me his staff?”
“The Tin Man says he likes it when you grease him up.”
“So there we were: Me, Dorothy, and Auntie Em, all smeared in bacon grease….”
“So there we were: Me, Dorothy, and a tank full of laughing gas…”
“So there we were: Me, Dorothy, and a five gallon tub of whipped cream…”
“I believe it’s called ‘manage a trois’….”
“Trust me, dude. That chick Glinda gets wild when you pump a couple of shots of Jager into her.”
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden
You own this category, Bob.

How come you guys never believe me when I tell you I slept with Glinda?
Darrell Clark, Winston-Salem

I dont know....I've always been limp.
All I said was lubricate him.......
Christine Keaton, Randleman

"My nurse is so cute. She keeps asking if I want a hay-ride. Still don't get that one."
Stephen Botts, Greensboro

BEST POEM
Since they were not rehired
The Oz guys were retired
On the porch every day
With very little to say
Hoping Dorothy would be fired
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

THE REST
1. Who knew that yellow brick would road would end here?!
2. We sure could use that wizard now.
3. That Dorothy, she's a real hottie!
4. With the cost of oil skyrocketing Tin Man is a goner!
5.Cowardly Lion, just tell her how you feel before it's too late!
6. We summoned the wizard but he's busy doing a commercial.
7. That nurse needs to give Tin Man his heart medicine.
8. Dorothy can restuff me anytime!
9. Tin Man is squeaking again.
10. Nothing has been the same since Dorothy went back to Kansas.
11. Those ungrateful munchkins don't come to visit anymore.
12. At least the wicked witch is dead!
13. Even with those glasses,Tin Man can't find his oil can!
14. It's shameful that Dorothy doesn't visit more!
15. I wish Dorothy was my nurse.
16. Guys, Who is this Dorothy?????
17. Dorothy can rock with me anytime!
19. I remember when ...!
19. Tin Man needs a lube job.
Nancy Nelson

"ROCK OF THE AGED'
ERNY KAROLY, Jamestown

" Look ! ! ! A Rainbow !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

"I vaguely remember a little girl with red slippers and an old coot who promised us things."
Ken Layton, Carthage

"Who ever thought the yellow brick road would lead us here?"
Ken Layton, Carthage

"So, the Wiz raided your 401K's, too?"
Ken Layton, Carthage

He's squeaking again. I know...but he can't afford to refill his oil can.
Malcolm Burchett, Summerfield

Wake up -- wake up -- I just remembered what happened in 1939.
I thought we were supposed to live in the past here.
I'm just glad they don't allow smoking here.
Dorothy's in Room 322 -- time has not been kind.
Dorothy still has a great set of pipes -- but not much else.
No shoe fetish -- but those WERE pretty red shoes.
Great dining room -- meat for you, olive oil for him.
If he squeaks one more time . . . .
You're sneaky, he's squeaky -- what's my street name?
Joan Lux Greensboro

" I miss her ! "
" You'd think she'd send us a postcard ! "
" Heard they're changing the name to Rainbow Inn ! "
" Certainly not what Dorothy had in mind ! "
" Never thought the Yellow Brick Road would end here ! "
" Rock faster, fraidy cat ! "
" Now he knows how a lonely heart feels. "
" Welcome to the Lonely Hearts Club, pass it on ! "
" That smell, it's not oil ! "
" Silent but deadly ! "
" On your mark, get set, GO ! ! ! "
" Wonder if we beat Dorothy home ? "
" Where's Dorothy ? "
" I thought Dorothy would be here by now ! "
" If you had a brain you could figure it out ! "
" Go figure ! ! ! "
" Let's compute life's journey together. "
" All together, NOW ! "
" Rock together ! "
" Wonder who's squeaking ? "
"Mine's a Thinking Chair ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

20. If I only had a brain.
21. I just can't remember her name!
22. Let's just follow that yellow brick road!
23.We need a vacation , lets go to Kansas!
24. I bet that Tim Rickard will not like any our incontinence jokes!
25. Don't make me laugh, I can't hold it anymore!
Nancy Nelson

I hope Dorothy remembers the Vitorin, the Plavix, and the Aricept.
Now that Jack is off SG-1 who's going to make the "Wizard" references?
Dorothy still looks hot in the blue and white checked dress.
It looks like Toto is having 'fun' with Benji
"I don't think we're in Kansas Anymore."
NO, I don't want to go watch the Weather Channel.
Oh no - Jim Cantore is coming to visit.
Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough

Pretty rainbow!
And then at the big premiere. Hey, you dozing off over there?
Isn't it a safety violation to crowd that many little people into one bedroom?
Joan Lux Greensboro

26. Cowardly Lion did you lose your medal that the wizard gave you for bravery again!
27. I can't find my diploma!
28. I think Tin Man's heart has stopped tinking!
Nancy Nelson

"Well, IF I had some Ruby Red Slippers to click, I wouldn't be here either."
Rick Snipes, Greensboro
A couple of us liked this one.

1) So where's our cut of the rerun profits?
2) Lucky those yellow bricks were real gold!
3) Kansas? Where th' #@*# is that?
4) Where's Dorothy when we need her?
5) Yes, I wrote that script to make this possible!
Bill Beerman, Greensboro

Age shrivels us all to "Munchkin" size.
I dont know....I've always been limp.
Miss them? Toto used me like a hydrant.
Don't mention the wicked witch...Tin Man's rusted enough...
No sequels for us boys.
It takes courage and heart to retire not brains.
Click click click......nope still here.
I am glad Rickard left the monkey behind.
All I said was lubricate him.......
Fair? Dorothy got Kansas and we got each other....
uhhhhh either mice or nesting again or.......
Hearing aides I said...where they gonna go?
We had our hay day....
Age means hearts fade, courage withers and......brains fart more.
Christine Keaton, Randleman

This place isn't my idea of "somewhere over the rainbow."
Deja vu all over again -- see that big funnel cloud?
It's going to get crowded in here -- big storms in Kansas today.
I'm tired of all the singing and dancing -- where's the bingo game?
Joan Lux Greensboro

Can't sleep Tin Man, you or that chair needs an oil job.
Don Rankin, Greensboro

29. Duh! Nancy Nelson

"He needs a sandbox, NOW ! "
"He's still young at heart ! "
"Should've asked the Wizard for youth tonic ! "
"I hate it when they seat us alphabetically ! "
"We belong in OZ section, Lion is in AP ! "
(Name OZ came from filing cabinet section )
"Never saw Dead End sign ! "
"Is that a Witch ! "
"Witch way now ! "
"I feel smart sitting between you guys ! "
"Want to play Rock, Scissors, Paper ? "
"I see something Yellow ! "
"This ain't Kansas ! "
"Thought Dorothy was taking us with her ! "
"Oh ! To be on the road again ! "
"Wish Dorothy would settle down ! "
"Too much Dorothy ! ! ! "
"Hey ! Curb your dog ! "
"One, two, three ! On The Road Again ! Everybody sing !
" That dog needs to be on a leash ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

"Hope it's not a tornado !"
"We've been Wizard spun !"
"Home sweet home !"
"Who ever said there's no place like home hasn't stayed here!"
"Can't get any rest here with all that squeaking going on!"
'I'm out of here!"
"Remember ! I'm the brains of this gang!"
"Tin Man is suffering from metal fatigue!"
"Growing old is not for sissies ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

30. My new Doc says I've developed and an allergy to straw!
Nancy Nelson
Good one.

31. Where's the wheel chair ramp, we're not accessible to the handicapped!!
Nancy Nelson

I hear her ankles swell so bad she can't even get those $#@! ruby slippers off.
Do you have gas, or is it time to be oiled again?
And remember when she smacked you flat on the nose? He he he ‘cough cough’
I don't think she's coming to visit.
You'd think she'd at least send cookies at Christmas-- Miss me most off all, my foot!
Tony Hummel, Reidsville

"Who would ever have thought the Yellow Brick Road would lead to this"
Bob Hudson

Uhhhh either mice are nesting again or.....
Whose a stuffed shirt?
I hung out alot before you guys....
I swept up in Emerald City....
Scrap thieves almost got Tin Man in Greensboro....
Christine Keaton, Randleman

"What do you think of our new yellow brick outhouse?!"
"I gotta take a wiz"
"If they show us that movie again, I'm going to start smoking!"
"Dorothy has stopped visiting ever since she made it big in corn futures"
"I hear the Flying Monkeys were related to that dumb chip in the last cartoon!"
"Our lawyer said the Munchkins abandonment trail will be short"
"I hear Dorothy has a new dog, Tutu"
"It's too bad, Lion, that your dentures don't fit"
"I thought the red shoes clashed with Dorothy's eyes"
"I head dinner tonight is again nuts/bolts, course roughage and strained zebra"
"Our royalties have run out. This place is being foreclosed"
"Altogether now "We are off to see the Wizard...."
"Everyone "Somewhere over the rainbow..."
"With a brain, courage and a heart, how did we wind up on these rockers?"
"With our brain, courage and a heart, let's write a sequel!"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

25. I bet that Tim Rickard won't like any of our incontinence jokes!
32. Why do you two keep humming Somewhere Over the Rainbow!
33. Where's Dorothy?
34. Tin Man, I have a feeling we're not in Emerald City anymore!
35. Some people without brains do an awful lot of talking!
36. There's no place like home!
Nancy Nelson

Yeah! We had it made and then you had to go and eat Toto..
Charles Long, Greensboro

"...if I only had a cane!" (picture this with musical notes)
Tom Shelmerdine, Greensboro
I liked this. It made the short list.

1.)Maybe we should have asked for movie royalties instead
2.)You would think she would call or write but nooooooooooooo
3.)In my day I had to melt 6 witches before noon and the flying monkeys were 6 ft tall 4.)HA! She said she would miss me most of all.Remember?Remember?
5.)Oz never did give nuthin to the tin man
6.)Today I had a poop of a different color
7.)I wish we had known about that melting thing from the start.
8.) That house Dorothy dropped sure came in handy
9.)Tin man I sure hope that was your chair.
TIM TRIBBETT, GREENSBORO
"If I only had a brain...and better prostate health...and kids that visited me...and a porch with a better view....and..."
Ashley K., Greensboro

I say it's a stupid rule, "no pets allowed," what about Toto. I miss him so much!
"You guys are lucky. My plan doesn't cover this place, so every October I have to stand?outside here like a jerk."
"That old farmer keeps pulling pieces off of me and sticking them in his mouth."
Stephen Botts, Greensboro

" Ouch ! Finally found that needle ... sat on it ! ! !
"Let's draw straws ! Oops ! "
" May be tin outside, but heart of gold inside ! "
" You belong in AN Retirement Home ! "
" His heart is GOLD ! "
" Funny ! I can't even remember her name now ! "
" We're history now ! "
" Stop purring or Tin will put his head in your mouth ! "
" No ! She never rolled in the hay ! "
" Hayride ! Yes ! Yes ! Yes !
" Stop calling me haystack ! Please ! "
" Left or right, a brain is a brain ! "
" Who said I was brain-dead ? "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

" Toto's house is lot better than this"
Joan Hunt, Greensboro

" This sure doesn't look like Kansas to me"
Ken Hunt, Greensboro

"Are you sure the Wizard said Medicare covers us here?"
Ken Hunt, Greensboro

Oh, the life I’d be leadin’, and the meals I’d be eatin’ if I only had my teeth.
(Sorry, but I had to!)
No, I didn’t rock on your tail.
Was that your chair squeaking or was it you?
How come Dorothy never comes to visit?
J. C. Winkler, Greensboro
I liked the first (song) one.

I said I'd see monkeys fly before I ended up here.
J. C. Winkler, Greensboro

1. “Dorothy called last night. Said she moved into a trailer park and should see us soon.”
2. “Remember when we dropped acid and saw all those flying monkeys?”
3. “Am I dreaming she’s dreaming, or is that Dorothy?”
4. “What if it was all just a dream?”
Tom Norman, Greensboro

Times are tough -- the munchkins are auditioning for Snap, Crackle and Pop ads.
Joan Lux Greensboro

Stop complainin' Tin Man- you're lucky they didn't recycle you....
Click the heels on your orthopedic shoes and see where you land.
Joan Lux Greensboro

36. There's no place like a retirement home!
37. There'll be no monkey business around here!
38. Remember we must tap our heels together three times if we want to see Dorothy!
40. Stuff it!
Nancy Nelson
Liked the retirement home one (36.) A virtual toss-up between it and the runner-up of the same theme.

"CHEER UP BOYS, THINGS COULD BE WORSE. WE COULD STILL BE ON THE ROAD BATTLING THOSE FLYING MONKEYS.
BILL FISCHBACH, ALTAMAHAW

"WHO KNEW THE YELLOW BRICK ROAD WOULD END HERE."
JENELL FISCHBACH, ALTAMAHAW

"PHEW ! TINMAN DID YOU SQUEAK?
FERN TIMMONS, ALTAMAHAW

"Aw, there he’s gone and rusted himself again!"
Dianne McLaughlin, Pittsboro

I need to be restuffed , Lion, you need to be brave, Tin Man needs a new heart, I say we get off our duffs, we have a life to save, Us old ..... can get Tin Man that new heart.
Nancy Nelson

"Ding dong, the witch is dead...yeah, this morning...massive stroke."
"What use is a brain that can't remember a darn thing?"
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro
Welcome back, Brandon

"When Dorothy said there's no place like home, I didn't think she meant this home."
"Hey Tin man, is that your rocker squeaking or is it you?"
Frank Beamon, Greensboro
Frank, also a good one (first one) but lost out amoung our judges to the runner-up of the same theme.

"A heart, a brain, courage..who knew to ask about long term care insurance???"
"There's certainly no place like THIS home."
Colleen McGuire, Greensboro
Also a contender in the best “no place like home” runner-up spot

The cornfield I grew up in is now producing ethanol.
I never thought back then that I was guarding ethanol.
I play the market -- I'm into corn futures.
Those crows were on to something when they'd get gassed on over-ripe corn.
"As the crow flies" -- now there's a phrase I grew up with.
What's a scarecrow's favorite phrase -- "Aw shucks."
Joan Lux Greensboro

The hardest place to guard cornfields is in western North Carolina.
Of course all my jokes are corny.
Joan Lux Greensboro
… hmmm … no comment …

41. I've had a good life, I'm ready to meet my maker!
42. Stop doing that I can still smell!
43. When we were young lads, we had to walk miles just to get to...
44. If the USA needs more gas, they can have mine!
45. Escape, why I can't even get down those steps!
45. I'd rather Rock than Roll.
46. It's too quiet ,I can't sleep!
46. Where's the outhouse... oops too late?!
Nancy Nelson

48. Stop mumbling and speak up!
49. I can't HEAR you!
50. I wish our nurse would come back we're missing "All my Children"!
51. It's time for Jeopardy!
52. Are you cold or is it just me?!
53. I'm tired of eating creamed corn I want a Big Mac!
Nancy Nelson

" Next stop ! Over the Rainbow ! "
" Oh ! Somewhere over the rainbow ! "
" Finally ! Home ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

1.? If it wasn't enough she was born green,? they gave her the name Elphaba!
2.? I'm writing a poem. What rhymes with witch?
Polly Flory, Greensboro

Some brain the Wiz' gave me. Here I sit retired and never even made runner up in "The Jokes On You"
Dan Smith, Greensboro

Yeah, I could have had a part in Gone With The Wind too, but it was only a cameo in a potato field.
Barbara Cashman, Greensboro

"Any zebra nuggets left?"
"Musical Chairs anyone?"
"Anyone up for Musical Chairs?"
"All together now...'In the circle, the circle of life..'"
"This isn't so bad.I heard they have an Oz Idol night."
Marsha Elam, Greensboro

"I think we missed a turn."
"Where are the winged monkeys when you need them?"
"We wouldn't be here if you hadn't run out of oil, Tin Man."
"Don't blame me Tin Man. We wouldn't be here if you hadn't run out of oil."
Marsha Elam, Greensboro

1, I never imagined that the yellow brick road ended here.
2. Why did the staff dress us like this? Haloween is in October.
3. I thought Dorothy was our friend.
4. This proves it!! Never trust a woman with a sugardaddy wizard..
5. He feels sluggish-- his oil needs changing.
6. The movie didn't end like this.
7. Why oh why did we trust her?
8. The residents here look strange to me.
9. Is it just me or is this a small porch?
10. I couldn't find Kansas on Mapquest..
11. Dorothy who?
Dave Sheets, Greensboro

"There's no place like the rest home."
"In my next life, I want to be a bumbling farmhand."
"I can't remember my name but the sum of the remaining sides of an isosceles triangle....."
"I say we bust out of our Depends and make our own yellow brick road."
"I know how to escape, we run that way.... but sometimes people go that way."
"It was a crazy dream. I was in it, and you were there and you were there too."
"I wonder who really put the ape in apricot?"
"Lion, now that I'm in charge, bring me the mop of the night janitor."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

If I'd had half a brain I would have saved more for retirement.
David Robinette

"well that was some brain that the wizard gave me. If I'm so smart, how did I end up here with you two?
Dana Smith, Greensboro

1) “My bad!”
2) “ You’re in the wrong place. This is Yellow Brick Court.“
3) “I’ve got a feeling we are not incontinent anymore.“
4) “It’s 2:30 pm . You guys ready to go to K & W for dinner?“
5) “Hey…..when did we come outside?”
6) “It’s been awhile but at one time I could break a camel’s back .“
7) “Every time I tell them about Dorothy they increase my meds!“
8) “Calm down Captain Courage, that monkey is in an entirely different panel.”
9) “ Why do I always get déjà vu when I listen to Dark Side of the Moon?”
10) “I remember when this place was nothing but a field of grass, come to think of it, so was I.”
11) “She said she’d miss me the most, now live with it furball!”
12) “He’s mad because now he has to ask the wizard for a pacemaker”
13) “You think you got it bad, I suffer from hayfever!
14) “Judging from the number of times he gets up at night, he’s missing a bladder too”
15) “I know cats and rocking chairs don’t get along but that’s no reason to cry.”
16) “I hear Bush is trying to get Congress to let him drill in the
Emerald City.“
17) “You’re fooling no one but yourself with that fake mane.”
18) “For the last time, I can’t scare away crow’s feet.”
19) “I can’t eat another bite, I’m stuffed.”
20) “Talk about irony. Your courage comes in a bottle, Tin Man has heart disease, and I have attention deficit disorder!!!”
Joel Clark, Greensboro

"We went from the rainbow to the hill."
"Had we held on to the ruby slippers, we'd have in home care too."
Phil Valla, Greensboro

I wish we had been in Star Wars, they have a lot better meals.
Jerry Kyle, High Point

"You think the great and powerful Oz (Sharon Ozment) will like it here now that Mo is taking over as head of Guilford County Schools?"
Brooke Shaffer

1. Did you really think he was going to pass the airport metal detectors?
2. If you had used the men's room there wouldn't have been a yellow brick road.
3. Next time follow the yellow brick road with no side trips to see Snow White.
4. Stop complaining about not being picked by Tim Rickard, there's always next week.
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden

1. I don't think this is the "home" Dorothy was referring to.
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden

WELL,?is?this the end of the yellow brick road?!!
Rock Elder, Greensboro

"O.K., it's true. I really wanted to wear those red shoes. Is that so wrong?"
Reta Beck, Greensboro
I really liked this one. Not enough other judges agreed with me, though.

Wake up! I just remembered what we were doing in 1939.
Joan Lux Greensboro

"We gave Dorothy the best hours of our lives, but does she come to visit? No!"
"When they told us to follow the yellow brick road, I never imaged it would lead here."
"It wouldn't be so bad, but my back can't take the Munchkin-sized beds for one more night."
"After everything we did for them, even the Munchkins don't visit."
Heidi Huber, ON Canada

1. "Come on lion, say it one time. There's no place like rest home. There's no place like rest home."
2. "Cheer up lion, at least we're not in Southstairs."
3. "You just had to follow the Yellow Brick Road By-pass didn't you?"
Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro

"Those damn munchkins stole my colostomy bag again!"
"Remember the wicked witch? I nailed her."
"The Tin Man should be thankful that he still gets a little stiff."
"Yeah, me and Carrot Top were an item once. What of it?"
"Just how high was Frank when he created us?"
"Did I ever tell you about the time the Wizard showed me his staff?"
"The Tin Man says he likes it when you grease him up."
"So I told Dorothy that if she ever told anyone about me and Toto, I'd kill her."
"We needed a brain, a heart, and courage. Who knew we were Democrats?"
"So there we were: Me, Dorothy, and Auntie Em, all smeared in bacon grease.."
"You try standing in a field all day, having birds crap all over you!"
"So there we were: Me, Dorothy, and a tank full of laughing gas."
"Just click your false teeth three times and say, 'Please change my diaper'."
"So there we were: Me, Dorothy, and a five gallon tub of whipped cream."
"I believe it's called 'manage a trois'.."
"Trust me, dude. That chick Glinda gets wild when you pump a couple of shots of Jager into her."
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

Let's see if the wizard will give us a prescription plan.
GET OFF THE LAWN !!!!
Hey munchkins, pull your pants up........young whippersnappers !!!
After those flying monkeys brought the wizard's balloon down things really got ugly.
I swear guys, Liza Minnelli is my love child.
If I had to do it again, I'd ask for a smaller prostate.
How come you guys never believe me when I tell you I slept with Glinda ?
I heard that Dorothy tried to come back for a visit but accidentally ended up at the prison.
He's not dead, we just had a little shower.
I love Dark Side of the Moon, I feel so in-sync with that record.
Today he thinks he's Bender from Futurama.
If he keeps wearing that make-up he'll have to ask for a new lung.
Judging by the smell around here, those bricks aren't yellow because they're made of gold.
Would you stop, you can't even get one paw behind your back anymore.
I don't know why she was in such a hurry to get home. Kansas is God's bowling alley.
This place really went down hill after the Oompa Loompas started to jump the border.
I hear Dorothy's kid really has some serious issues.
Would you look at that. Those sorry flying monkeys are selling drugs right out in the open.
I was hoping that the Yellow Brick Road led to Florida.
Dorothy's house makes a great place to retire but I can still smell the witch.
Here comes another one, hand me the flying monkey spray.
I wonder if the wizard can help me get on medicare ?
After using the bathroom after you, I know why that munchkin hung himself on the set.
You know what they say........once you go munchkin !!!
Great, I get a brain just in time to get Alzheimers.
Darrell Clark, Winston-Salem
Some good ones here, Darrell. Several made the short list

"Whatever you do, don't mention 'We're not in Kansas Anymore!' to some guy named Tim Richard."
"Whatever you do, don't mention 'We're not in Kansas Anymore!' to some guy named Tim Richard.'.....apparently it turns him into a tornado...& we all know how That goes."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro
Tim RICHARD?

"Who knew we'd Peak with those danged flying Monkeys??"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"What's an IRS Stimulas Rebate?....."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

My brain's a little fuzzy today -- where's the Wizard?
Between a heart transplant, a brain transplant, and a psychiatrist to bolster courage, we could put a hurt on Medicare.
We wouldn't have had our great adventure if there was national health care back then.
Sweet nurse on 2nd floor -- her name's "Glinda."
Joan Lux, Greensboro

" Who said I was a smart aleck ? "
" Smart-alecky, who said ? "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

"I think something is wrong. I get a burning sensation when you urinate!"
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

"Yessiree, you fellows will love it here. No witches, wizards, or monkeys. But the best part? None of that whiny 'I-want-to-go-home' Dorothy and that mutt of hers."
"I just ran into that McCain fellow again; still mumbling about being president. And they say I have no brains."
"And if you do wonder off and get lost, DO NOT follow a golden brick road."
"After retirement, I wanted to be put out to pasture. But they stuck me here instead."
"My nurse is so cute. She keeps asking if I want a hay-ride. Still don't get that one."
Stephen Botts, Greensboro

"Hey funnel head, still mad Iron Man made it to JOY before you did?"
"We're off to see the proctologist..."
"Anyone want to play shuffleboard with the munchkins this afternoon?"
"Somewhere over my brain woes..."
"Fellas we're in hi-deaf now."..
"Hey Tin Man, don't you wish you had the heart of a lion?"
"When's the last time your nephew Iron Man visited you TM?"
"I just don't see any resemblance between you and Iron Man."
"How was that Pennzoil Pie Iron Man brought you Tin Man?"
Gray Amick, Greensboro

"His PPO won't cover his oil change."
"He is waiting for Terrence Man to come back out of the cornfield."
"Jim Cantore said a tornado was spotted in the area."
"The allegory of the silver and gold standards was all overblown ..."
"Where's Glenda when you need her?"
Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough

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To come