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Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com
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(And in case you're wondering, yes, that is a leather coat.)

Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.

LAST WEEK'S WINNER
So, whadda ya think of my selections? Agree? Disagree? Let me know what you think.
Leave a comment. Tell me your pick. Tell me why the ones I picked stink. Or, if you must, tell me how brilliant my choices are.

Ok. I became mad with power and I went too far. I’d seen funny captions added to old art before and I thought “you guys can do that.” But although you’ve shown you can make lemonade out of lemons, you can’t make lemonade out of a turkey. Unfortunately, I committed to the concept before finding suitable art and ... well, Gray’s caption just seemed to sum it up best. But to make it up to you this week, we have cows! In leather coats! You like cows don’t you?

WINNER
Looks like Tim Rickard missed his cartoon deadline this week…
Gray Amick, Greensboro

RUNNERS-UP
"And I thought 'Brevity' stunk.
Stephen Botts , Greensboro

"With the air taken off his back spoiler, Bobo veers wildly across the track."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

And bringing up the rear is a young George Plimpton.
Joan Lux, Greensboro
We don't know why this amused us, but it did. It was the kind of off-the-wall caption that we hoped this drawing would bring in.

Never make a drunken bet with an elephant.
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

Everything was going well until the ill advised wheelie attempt.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

Greensboro Bike Patrol captures escaped elephant
Jon Barsanti Jr.

"The high cost of fuel has really had an impact on NASCAR."
Brent Wooten, Thomasville

BEST POEM(s)
(A Limerick)
Few remember that an elephant rode a bike,
No one recalls if he was passed by Mr. Kite;
But every kid will forever see,
Even those who had therapy,
That the creepy clown was a frightful sight.
Tom Norman, Greensboro

I love to race my bicycle
but the small seat made me squirm,
it only stands to reason,
for I am a pacyderm.

So, I got myself a new bike
and on this one, I stand up.
I just pedal with my front feet,
now I could win a golden cup.

I travel with the circus.
I'll race with anyone.
So far I've not been bested,
as I am a champion!

When the circus came to Greensboro,
I raced a man named Tim.
He was good. I pedaled hard
and barely did I beat him.

I liked him. What a good sport!
He said he liked me too.
Then he sent me a suprise picture
of us on "Jokes on You."

Yes, that Tim Rickard is a work horse.
He is my friend so new.
He not only does the Jokes thing,
but Brewster Rocket too!
Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro
"sniff" ... beautiful ... just "sniff" beautiful ...

BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE
We can't all be lion tamers.
Marsha Elam, Greensboro
Marsha tells me this is a line from Lawrence of Arabia

See also Stephan Botts' "Brevity" reference above.

BEST INSIDE JOKE
The best was also this week's winner. Touche, Gray.

"I wish I hadn't eaten those zebra nuggets."
Marsha Elam, Greensboro
hee hee. Zebra nuggets.

THE REST
1. (Elephant)Wish this guy would get off my bumper, he's following too close.
2. (Man cyclist) Move over you old slow poke!
Nancy Nelson

" Look ~ No hands ! ! ! "
" What Aerodynamics ? "
" Hope the front-runner don't get diarrhea ! "
" Elephants can fly ! "
" Nice draft ! "
" He's using his trunk ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington, NC

"He won't listen. I told him three-wheelers were not allowed in the Tour de France."
"My time is good, but I think I need a more aerodynamic helmit."
"I'm getting 40 miles per bales of hay with this model."
Ken Layton, Carthage

"I’m out here making a fool of myself for peanuts while the Ringling boys are getting rich.”
Hank Powell, Greensboro

It looks like Jon will finish second again
This is not the set of Ben Hur
Greensboro Bike Patrol captures escaped elephant
How front wheel drive cars got there start
Big Wheels in the Big Top
Before Dumbo met the Wright Brothers
Jon Barsanti Jr, Greensboro

"With only one driver left alive, Teeny finally navigates a turn."
"The mouse long dead, Teeny is finally stopped with a perfectly executed Pit maneuver."
"With the air taken off his back spoiler, Bobo veers wildly across the track."
"The mouse long dead, Teeny is finally stopped with a well executed PIT maneuver."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
All good stuff, Joel

It smells like an elephant back here
Bill Fischbach, Altamahaw

It occurred to Henry that the ex-lax he slipped Pachy the night before might have been a bad idea
Anita Fischbach, Altamahaw

And bringing up the rear is a young George Plimpton.
I still say it's rigged -- the prize is a bag of peanuts.
I guarantee that's not a sardine can on the elephant's head.
A cyclist, an elephant, and a clown -- so why is this called a hippodrome?
You can say "Dumbo" -- being "PC" is in the future.
Why NOT to take a teacher to a cycling event: "And then you take the circumferance of the wheels . . . ."
I can't see around that beast to pass.
Sonny, there's a life lesson here -- if the man just pedals harder . . . .
Where's Princess Summerfall Winterspring?
Road hog! Road hog!"
He got into the bike lane thinking it went all the way to Wal-Mart.
Newspaper account: One cyclist muttered, "I thought this bicycle lane went to Wal-Mart."
Joan Lux, Greensboro

1.)When the gas crisis worsened NASCAR got a little weird
2.)How the Hadron particle accelerator really works
3.)Although blessed with an excellent memory Tiny would do his best to forget this day 4.)Trevor did his best to dodge his large opponent's strategically placed dung balls 5.)This was the last straw that finally provoked Tiny's tragic rampage.
6.)The hat is a bit much thought the elephant.
7.)Tiny hoped his centrifugal force would keep him from flying off into space
8.)It pays peanuts but the hours are great.
9.) Tragedy ensued when later Tiny hit the wall and burst into flames.
10.)Tiny hoped this would help his quest to join the Olympic cycling team
11.) When the elephant stopped short Trevor found himself performing the world’s first visual prostate exam
12.) Everything was going well until the ill advised wheelie attempt
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
Several other good ones here, Tim

"Come see Dumbo! So named because he rides his bicycle behind an elephant's backside!"
GCFPAdoc, Greensboro
This was a contender

" I'll grab his tail...let him pull me.. then slingshot to win ! "
" He's got a couple legs up on me ! "
" No fair ! He's flapping his ears and pushing with his trunk ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

"Whoever thought an elephant should ride a bike didn't have my view."
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

"Working as a circus clown, it was at this moment, Howard Cosell recalls, when he knew he wanted to be a sports announcer."
"Opening day ceremonies at the 1932 games in Suriname."
"The apparent winner, Binky's cycle was later disqualified after a post race inspection."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

"Under the auspices of an engineer, the new Goodyear bicycle radial is put to the test."
"Under the watchful eye of a disguised federal marshal, Binky quickly assimilates to the witness protection plan."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

"Did you say the donkey was overseas, he's supposed to be in this circus."
Rick Meehan, Graham

They need to add a passing lane, because every day the traffic seems to be getting heavier.
Janice Woods, Greensboro

1) Come on, Fat Boy! Faster!
2) Next week the training wheels come off
3) After this we'll try the trampoline...
4) Whew! I thought we were saving gas!
5) I'm calling SPCA about this!
Bill Beerman, Greensboro

Evidence that doping scandals are not new to competitive cycling.
David C. Ribar, Greensboro

I come out here and pedal round and round for this stupid show everyday and what do I get? PEANUTS!!!!!!
"I'd give my right tusk to get out of this dead end job!"
Donald Howard, Greensboro

Even as he won race after race, Jumbo was concerned that he may be coming under suspicion for performance enhancing drugs.
G.A. Rilling, Madison

"I should have stayed away from that elephant grass.
"Jerry doggedly continued the race in spite of Mr. Elephant's steamy missiles."
"Behind the Gun takes on a whole new meaning in the big tent."
"Behind the Gun"
"I wish I hadn't eaten those zebra nuggets."
The Man behind the Gun takes on a whole new meaning in the big tent.
We can't all be lion tamers.
Republican Circus
The Republican's Big Tent
Marsha Elam, Greensboro

"CNN will be here all night long to provide you with the latest results in the presidential race."
Obama courts the Republican vote
Bush cheers on McCain
Obama flip-flops again
Marsha Elam, Greensboro

Looks like Tim Rickard missed his cartoon deadline this week.
"Even if you win this stage they won't have a yellow jersey that fits you."
"Why don't you buy some bike trunks Jumbo, they're tax free this weekend."
"Mind if I put some Pepto-Bismol in your water bottle?"
"Now I know what they mean by 'Operation Dumbo Drop.'"
"The benefits of drafting just ain't worth the fallout."
Gray Amick, Greensboro
Nice stuff, Gray

"Are we there yet?"
"I think they sent the wrong tires. I need a caution flag."
"Oh, just shut up and pedal!"
Reta Beck, Greensboro

Look at me, and my former boss said I'd never amount to anything.
I joined the circus for this?
I now have a better meaning of "downwind."
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden

"The answer my friend is blowing in the wind. It is blowing in the
wind."
Kemp Mattocks

"Never forget... Bah! ...THIS I want to forget!"
"Eat dust... Sucker!"
"He turns down 'Ben-Hur', then he signs me up for this... My agent is a clown."
Bill Drummond, Asheboro

"Although never proven, the Russian cycling team was suspected of using
performance enhancing drugs."
"The high cost of fuel has really had an impact on NASCAR."
Brent Wooten, Thomasville

1.) Never make a drunken bet with an elephant.
2.) Spring Break, circa 1880
3.) Whenever Fred raced Dumbo, he always ended up losing by a nose.
4.) Lance Armstrong (pictured on right), continues to deny all steroids allegations.
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

"Hey Buddy, either back off or pass me!"
"Hey Buddy, either back off or pass me by!"
"I wonder if it's too late for us to enter the Tour de France?"
"Hey Bobo!!! Guess what?! Next year, you & me, Tour de France!!"
"Tim realizes that his childhood dreams of joining the Circus have finally come true."
"Tim realizes that the dreams he had while riding his tricycle, of joining the Circus, may just have peaked."
As Tim remembers when he first began to dream of joining the Circus, while he was riding his tricycle, he realizes that he may should have been more specific.
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden

"As John McCain rides with his friend Bobo, he thinks that maybe an Elephant would be a good to represent the Republican party."
John McCain has a flash that ELEPHANT may be just the symbol the Republican party is looking for.
"Bill frantically tries to catch up and rationalize with Bobo because he realizes an Elephant never forgets."
Since an Elephant never forgets, John pleads with Bobo to understand that it was only one night.
Marvin realizes that "3001, A Space Odyssey" looks much different than he expected.
Todd thinks to himself "I'm So glad I didn't take that job shoveling poop for Hammer, the Wonder Dog."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro
The McCain one made the (very) short list

"And I thought 'Brevity' stunk.
"We can teach an elephant to ride a bike, but we can't put a man on the moon."
The first Tour de France.
Stephen Botts, Greensboro

Nope, his pants are too short to be called "pedal pushers."
Think skin-tight cycling shorts will ever catch on?
"Row, row, row your boat . . . . "
It's a promotion gimmick for spandex.
Joan Lux, Greensboro

1. Is that fool drafting again?
2. Dang, I coud use a caution about now.
3. Wait till they get a load of my backflip.
David Downing, Greensboro

"With a periodic squeeze on his mouse toy, the clown reassures his bet on the big guy!"
" A pedaling pachyderm, cyclist, clowns and more. This weekend!"
"Man vs. Elephant - Race of the Century"
"The cyclist suddenly can't breath. If he doesn't pass, he will pass out!"
"The cyclist is unaware of the "surprise"which will follow once he grabs that tail!"
"The cyclist posses to pass the pachyderm in pursuit of the prize"
"Frighten by the clown's mouse toy, the pachyderm surges ahead!'
"Watching the end of the race, the clown reluctantly prepares for clean up!"
"The clown has a sudden negative flashback to Friday's massive elephant parade cleanup"
"The cyclist realizes that drafting in this race has one big disadvantage!"
"The elephant realizes that the prune juice is suddenly working"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

"Peanut power."
" Is his tail beginning to rise?"
"I can't see a thing"
Elephant:" ow-ow."
" This is a nightmare if I don't pass him."
James E. Ferrell, Mc Leansville

Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com

Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.

LAST WEEK'S WINNER
So, whadda ya think of my selections? Agree? Disagree? Let me know what you think.
Leave a comment. Tell me your pick. Tell me why the ones I picked stink. Or, if you must, tell me how brilliant my choices are.

Like no other week in recent memory, our judges were all over the place. with everyone picking different captions. There wasn’t even room in the runners-up slot to include all the captions that were picked.
I can’t tell if some of you were taking the high road or just didn’t realize the cow was wearing a leather coat. Still, you managed to make some funny captions without referring to the leather coat. So, there are captions in both categories.

WINNER
So is that leather coat why your uncle has to have a closed casket?
Name withheld by request because the were rightfully ashamed of themselves.

RUNNERS-UP
What's next, steak for dinner?
Darrell Clark, Winston-Salem

I know you wanted to have something to remember your Mom by .... BUT ...
Vic, Candor

I'll check the obits if you want matching pants.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

I see here that farmer Brown is missing some cows
Nancy Nelson

"That's just wrong on so many levels."
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

"Please tell me that's faux leather."
Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro

“Work it, Bessie.”
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

"Seriously? We're out of milk?"
Tony Hummel

"It goes down tonight. Let's see how he likes the milking machine."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

BEST/WORST PUN
You're no Hugh Heffer ...
Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough

“Hugh Heifer you're not."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

These captions are udderly ridiculous.
David Robinette, Rockingham County

If you don't take off that udderly depraved coat I'm mooooooving out.
Tim Tribbett, GREENSBORO

You look udderly ridiculous!
Jon Barsanti Jr., Hillsborough
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

BEST INSIDE JOKE
"OK,hon...it's a picture of two cows talking....Think!....what funny thing would WE be saying?"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"Get this Earl...they're trying to use old art instead of a cartoon this week!"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro
busted

“Just what do you think streaking through Tim Rickard’s office will accomplish?”
Marsha Elam, Greensboro
It would brighten MY day

I think Tim Rickard is afraid to show udders
Tim Tribbett, GREENSBORO
I'm getting therapy, though.

He's right,"Brevity does stink.
Tim Tribbett, GREENSBORO

How can you confuse Tim Rickard with Gary Larson?
Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough

"Last week' "Joke's on You" captions are just awful!"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

"The only thing funnier than how you look right now would be watching Darth Vader perform Rhythmic Gymnastics..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE
"I see that Michael Ahern is at it again."
CC Cockerham
I think he’s the guy who began the “Misses O’leary’s cow” story … ?

"You meeting with Professor Johnson again? I guess it's a good thing that tonight was Mexican night..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro
Proffessor Johnson has the unenviable job of measuring gaseous emissions from cows.

"Better stay away from that Stella, she wants to make the whole world "leatha".
Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro
Think “Project Runway”

"It looks like Silence Of The Lambs is on at 8."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

“It’s a little to much like Silence of the Lambs for my taste.“
Joel Clark, Greensboro

BEST POEM
AND FOR GRATUITUS, OBSEQUIOUS AND SYCOPHANTIC NOTHINGNESS:
Tim Rickard draws Brewster,
and then he pens cows

But can't I cow cow
count on something good?
From “Washs69”
Ouch.

THE REST
Chick-fil-a called this morning, they have postponed your Calendar shoot
for next week!
Stephanie Apple, Greensboro, NC

I don't care if you're in the CIA, a leather trench coat is so uncool.
You're not wearing THAT just to go to Chick-Fil-A, are you?
J. C. Winkler, Greensboro

That coat's not macho, dear . . . it came from a steer
So is that leather coat why your uncle has to have a closed casket?
Joan Lux, Greensboro

Enough with the "Moo" Hefner act already!
Cattle futures are down...so much for living the good life.
Housing prices are down...Moo Irving Park just isn't what it used to be.
We have a dilemma...It says here your fund manager is investing in all beef wieners.
These captions are udderly ridiculous.
David Robinette

James, that leather trenchcoat is smashing, but don't you feel it is a conflict of interests?
Scott Ritter, Greensboro

"That better not be my mother!"
Ken Hopkins, High Point

"Yes. dear, that robe looks bullish on you."
"Honey, I read that they're offering free Mad Cow's Disease shots at the abbatoir."
"If you're going to make another jump over the moon, you'd better stop relaxing and start training."
Ken Layton, Carthage

" Holy Cow ! Leather meets Rawhide !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

"Seriously? We're out of milk?"
"Make sure they cook mine medium rare."
"How was your day filming the new Chick-Fil-A commercial?"
"Take off that coat. Your milk will spoil if it gets warm."
"Don't have a cow! We aren't that late!"
"Oil is up again. What a bunch of bull!"
"Please tell me that isn't leather!"
Tony Hummel, Jamestown

"I have never seen so much BS in my whole life!"
"Thank goodness for stock market fluctuation, but this is a little too much!"
This would look sooo good on my home office wall.
Ted Wilson,Greensboro

"Just what do you think streaking through Tim Rickard's office will accomplish?"
Marsha Elam, Greensboro

I'm your mother and I say 'No flashing!"
Barbara Bolden, Eden

So what if the label says "Angus Beef" -- most people would rather eat it than wear it.
Just don't wear it to the barn.
I suppose next you'll want some leather shoes.
A leather coat for you, a leather purse for me. Any other ideas for population control?
And don't go prancing around outside with that thing on!
I thought you smelled funny!
I thought the hot leather car seats would cure you of this fetish.
Joan Lux, Greensboro

1. That better be pleather!
2. I'm going to tan your hide! (Just got back home)
3. Where's the pants!
4. I was just reading how many cows are being killed to make coats!
5. Who did you have to rustle to get that coat?!
6. Don't expect me to tell you that it looks good on you!
Nancy Nelson

1.)Flashing doesn't work when you're usually naked
2.)It fits like a second skin
3.)You think thats depraved? Brett Farve just joined the freakin JETS
4.)Its my turn to wear MOM next week.
5.)You sick little cudchewer
6.)Stop saying shaken not stirred.
7.)Pasteurized not homogenized
8.)I hope that's nobody I know.
9)I think Tim Rickard is afraid to show udders
10.)If you don't take off that udderly depraved coat I'm mooooooving out.
11.) He's right,"Brevity does stink.
12.) Agent Milky Teats I presume.
13.) You didn't have to off Bessie.They make artificial leather ya know.
14.) I think we should try bike riding.
15.)The Fonz called.He wants his coat back
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

That's a bunch of bull... you should read what they are saying about Asheboro this week.
Milk production is down in Asheboro, Bud Light is up.
They have her all sprawled out, showing her utters, saying "Eat More Chicken". Bessie's ad is disgusting!
Stacey Miller, Asheboro

" I think you look great in Grandma's outer-coat."
"No, you can't wear that to the family reunion."
"You'll sweat to death in that thing."
" I always thought you looked good in leather."
" What a waste of money."
" Black doesn't look good on you."
James E. Ferrell, McLeansville

"I was in the upper pasture Tuesday night detective, why?"
“That coat was your Grandma."
"Before I go, detective, which animal was it that squealed on me?"
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

Just because you know Gary Larson doesn't make you famous.
You look udderly ridiculous!
Cannibal!
'One Gig after "Far Side" does not make you hot.'
That better be pleather ...
"Dad's going to have a cow when he sees you."
"Sale or no sale - that's just wrong."
"Don't serve me any Fava Beans and Chianti ..."
"Brett doesn't need a Holstein in New Jersey ..."
"Where are your leather pants?"
"So, are you going to try and ride a tricycle at the circus?"
"You brought back a souvenir from Pamplona, I see ..."
How can you confuse Tim Rickard with Gary Larson?
Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough

"Just what do you hope to accomplish by streaking at McDonalds?"
"Who's Ilsa?"
"I don't mind if you wear the trench coat. Just stop calling me Ilsa."
"The down side to civilization? Cannibalism."
"I guess this means we're out of grass."
Marsha Elam, Greensboro

You're no Hugh Heffer ...
(Heffner)
"I don't care if you are a superdelegate ..."
Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough

We are not sadists...put dad away.
Whose missing from the barnyard now?
I wondered what happened to that pesky salesman.....
I see our mothers finally mended their ways....
Greensboro's recycling laws are going a bit far....
Christine Keaton, Randleman

"Your ex-wife left you HERSELF in her will?!?"
"Your ex-wife sure had a sick sense of humor!"
"I always knew your exwife would come back to haunt me!"
Kris Voy, Trinity

I may be a milk cow, but you're not Hugh Hefner. Now take off that ridiculous robe and quit bothering me.
Kathryn Cover

You're tired of eating chicken and want to go out for beef!!??
Shirley Wyzga-Johnson, Greensboro

Okay, you've proved it -- there IS more than one way to skin a . . . .
Joan Lux, Greensboro

Have you seen the price of milk? Next one I think I'll udder-feed.
Marcia Berger

7. I thought you were a vegan!
8. Holy Cow!
9. Holy Moly!
10. Cowabunga!
11. I bet Tim Rickard wouldn't wear that !
12. Brewster Rockit wouldn't be caught DEAD wearing that!
13. I prefer fox myself.
14. Feather boas are more my style!
15. Something stinks!!
16. You smell like road kill.
17. What's that smell?!
18. I see Lazy Boy is having a sale on leather recliners.
19. Don't you know leather and fur are out of style!
20. I told you they should Eat more Chicken!
21. How much did that cost us?!
22. Who said leather is sexy!
23. Is that my mother?
24. You're about as bright as Brewster Rockit!
25. That had better not be my mother!
26. I see here that farmer Brown is missing some cows.
27. Do you have Mad Cow Disease?!
28. I'm not speaking to you till the cows come home!
Nancy Nelson

I didn't know if I could submit more than one. Anyway, here are 5 for your consideration.
My favorite is in blue....
" You can cut back on the fiber Elmer, I see the city council is meeting tonight. There should be more than enough bovine feces to go around "
" I still can't believe you had Aunt Bessie made into a coat"
" Elmer, have you been flashing people at Chick-Fil-A again?"
" Judging from today's stock report, you've just been replaced by a bear"
"Elmer, you can't wear that coat forever. Sooner or later people are gonna find out that you have man utters"
Tim Collins, Greensboro

"O.K agent X, why are California cows happier?"
"Tell me detective, was it the pig who squealed on me?"
"I was going to wait up until...well..until you all came home."
"Yes detective, I'm Mrs. O'Leary's cow but I don't know nothin' bout no fire."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
Your ad says lesbian cow with leather fetish seeks mate.No weirdos.
Tim Tribbett

"Don't lie, Ralph. I can smell the whole milk on your breath from here."
"It goes down tonight. Let's see how he likes the milking machine."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

1.)I'll check the obits if you want matching pants.
2.)Your ad reads, dominant cow with leather fetish seeks submissive sea sponge with culinary skills
3.) Have you been watching "Silence of the Lambs " again?
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

Oh look, Harris Teeter has beef on sale this week. By the way, have you
seen Mother?
Frank Beamon, Greensboro

1. "Good morning Sir Loin."
2. "You better not wear that around the widow Jones."
3. "Doesn't it creep you out to wear Uncle Bill?"
4. "Please tell me that's faux leather."
Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro

1. "Where's the beef?"
George Cornett, Greensboro

"Cousin Earl would be so proud he was a skin donor."
Steve Kindschi, Asheboro

" That's a great cover for that 'EAT MOR CHIKIN' tattoo. "
Steve Kindschi, Asheboro

29. Well I guess you won't be going with me to California this year!
30. Moo,Moo, Moo!
31. What do you want for dinner, Uncle Fred?!
32. Who do you want for dinner, Uncle Tim?!
Nancy Nelson

"I know you never really liked my mother, but to WEAR her ..."
"How COULD you !?!"
"I don't care if it WAS on sale !"
Heidi Huber, Sault Ste. Marie, Ontario, Canada

No you cannot go buy Blue Sued Shoes ...
No, you are not going to buy a Harley ...
One day does not make a 'Bull Market.'
Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsboro

*"We are out of milk"
*"Terrible. A cow was taken in, then grilled by the police, never to be seen again!"
*"Oh my, cow tipping has started again!"
*"Have you taken your hormones today?"
*"You favorite movie, "Raging Bull", is on at 8 tonight"
*"Last week' "Joke's on You" captions are just awful!"
*"Here's our large "Eat more chicken, pig and duck" ad"
*"Apparently someone literally "Shot the Bull"
*"What with the coat? Hiding something?"
*"What's under the coat? A surprise for me?"
*"I am glad things went well at the Running of the Bulls"
*"Our obits are depressing. We are "processed" not buried!"
*"Business at the slaughterhouse is up. They have many short term opening"
*"The Flashing Bull was seen again last night? Know anything about it?"
*"Here is a nice recipe for ground chuck"
*"The FDA is recalling your father, what's left of him"
*"Good news. You like to travel and beef exports are up!"
*"There is that local Help Wanted ad again for the local Bar-B-Q house"
*"So that's what you bought with the money they paid you at the sperm bank!"
*"Wait. That leather coat has my mom's unique barbed wire scare!"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

instead of leather we must insist the clothing industry make chicken feather coats.
James O. Durham, Greensboro

We must tell them "eat mor chiken".
James O. Durham, Greensboro

I know you wanted to have something to remember your Mom by .... BUT ...
Vic, Candor

" Says here that the Matador fighting tryouts start this Friday, are we in? "
Mike T., Greensboro

It is reported that there is a cow-face flasher on the loose in town-anything you want to tell me, dear?
Blanche Berkowitz, McLeansville

"You took it out to the curb to sit in the shade, then left it there?"
Nelson Harrill, Greensboro

Caption: "After reading the fine print in our ad contract, Mr. T.V. star, I suggest you develop a taste for chicken!"
Reta Beck, Greensboro

I'm not impressed with the label in that coat -- "Angus Beef" my behindy!
Are you sure that's not a knock-off of a real "Angus Beef" coat?
The label says "Made in Japan" -- must be a "Kobe Beef" coat.
Don't leave the house with that coat on -- you already lost your shirt at poker.
That coat fits you like a second skin.
Joan Lux, Greensboro

1. “I didn’t fix dinner. I thought we’d chew our cuds tonight.”
2. “The Stock Market hasn’t been the same since you quit.”
3. “It wasn’t a simple snip-snip?”
4. “Is that Uncle Ernie you’re wearing?”
5. “Promise you’ll have me canned when I die. The fresh meat department is so undignified.”
6. “They found your brother at the grocery store - aisle 6, 7, and 12.”
Tom Norman, Greensboro

Juvenile delinquent !!!!
That's a lot of money for something to wear around the pasture.
That's not what I meant when I asked you to let your little brother hang around you.
What's next, steak for dinner ?
I'll ask you one more time, have you seen your brother ?
I think it's beautiful. In fact, I used to date her.
Dude, we live in Phoenix !
What really scares me is it's from China.
Couldn't you just get one of those barbed wire tattoos like everyone else ?
I would tan your hide if someone hadn't beat me to it .
I'm guessing you are no longer a P. E. T. A. member.

You wouldn't catch me dead in that thing.
HOLY CHIPS !!!!
Not mad cow.........bad cow.
I see you are back from India .
Darrell Clark, Winston-Salem

"Harris Teeter has chicken on sale."
"Don't bother going in today." "Milk is at $3.99 a gallon."
"What's black, white, and red all over?
Millicent Beal

33. How many pails of milk did that cost us?!
34. No, that won't get you on the USA Olympic Team!!
35. Murderer!
36. I won't be chewing the cud with you tonight!
Nancy Nelson

1."I knew you hated your ex, I did not realize how much".
2." Way to get revenge on dad, now he really is on your back allthe time".
3." Why would you give humans more ideas".
4." So this is what you wanted with dad's remains? Are you making boots out of mom's?"
Paula R. Hairston

"Aside from being a cow in a leather coat, it's freakin' AUGUST!!"
"That's just wrong on so many levels."
"If PETA doesn't get you, the fasion police will."
"Sell Out!"
"Are you going to screw around with Bob Barker again?"
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

They say that coat is pleather...I say it's Aunt Polly.
Marty is still missing.....They can't find hide nor hair of him.
Enough with the rich, corinthian B. S., that jacket is Uncle Jerry from Jersey!
It's O.K., Elmer could have become a chair and you would be sitting on him!
Everybody will know that coat was Brian because of the Lazy B brand on his butt.
Before he died, that coat fit Stanley much better than it fits you.
Sure I see the Double B brand. That doesn't mean that coat is a Bull Blass!
Sure Randy, that coat has a neat pocket for two tennis balls. Wonder what part of angus that was?
Ralph always would give you the coat off his back!
I'm really glad they removed the udder before making that coat.
Well yes, bull coat does sound classier than bull shirt!
Mike Riley, Jamestown

1) " E - I - E - I - NO !!!!
2) " That's redundant. "
3) " It's a little to much like Silence of the Lambs for my taste. "
4) " The paper says two cows are missing. You wouldn't know anything about that would you ? "
5) " I'm sorry, but being from the supply side of it, I find that offensive. "
6) " Does it make you look fat..no...crazy....yes !!! "
7) " You're fooling no one, I know pleather when I see it . "
8) " If your friends were going to jump off a cliff would....nevermind ! "
9) " You've been ripped off. I can see the Ponderosa brand on it. "
10) " I know a little something about leather. In fact it's a family business. "
11) " You can try all the gags you want, I'm not turning up the heat. "
12) " This is wrong on so many levels ! "
13) " There's a special place in Hell waiting for you. "
14) " I think you been grazing on the wrong kind of grass . "
15) " You know something, we should've killed old MacDonald years ago. "
16) " When I said you need a thicker skin, this isn't what I had in mind."
17) " It say the flasher may have been a cow. "
18) " Your job at Merrill Lynch is going to your head. "
19) " Your mother would be turning over in her grave, wait a minute, isn't that her brand ? "
20) " If it's Mrs. O'Leary's cow then I love it . "
Joel Clark, Greensboro

Your flashing strategies will not entice people to eat more chicken.
Kemp Mattocks, Greensboro

Please say it didn't come from anyone in our herd.
French leather? So who's still raising Charolais cattle?
Ugh -- a coat from your own species.
Distressed leather? Oh yeah, I remember the incident with the barbed-wire fence.
Doesn't wearing it make you feel almost cannibalistic?
That was one cow worth knowing -- a rump roast AND a coat.
Joan Lux, Greensboro

1. This teenage angst is getting old.
2. It's no skin off my nose. I just wish I could say the same for Betsy.
3. I'm putting this on YouTube.
4. That better be bison.
5. I think I'm going to be sick on my stomach, all 4 of them.
6. I say if you can afford to run with the bulls, then you can afford to lose a jacket.
7. Let me get this straight, you got the jacket and Jack got a hand full of beans ?
8. Your horoscope says friendships will be tested today.
9. You are one fine bovine !!
10. You are the kind of cow they get mystery meat from.
11. It would serve you right if you got Mad Cow Disease.
12. Please don't wear that when the herd gets here.
13. You are going to make milk come out of my nose again.
14. Yes it does. In fact it makes you look as fat as a cow.
15. Do they have any idea what caused the stampede ?
Deadpan

"For the last time Hank, yes I think you look lovely!"
"Goin' out flashing again?"
"Why are you dressed up? We're only going out to graze."
"My mother's missing. Do you know what happened to her?"
"You look udder-ly ridiculous!"
"Have you been shopping at Oprah's Secret again?"
"When you said you were going to dress up in leather tonight, this isn't what I was expecting."
"If I had that many udders, I'd never leave the house!"
"What do you mean it's what Grandpa would have wanted!"
"If Gandhi was alive, he'd kick your a##!"
"Tyra Banks? Is that really you?"
"It says here someone has been going around flashing the chickens again."
"Wearing that jacket is like pigs eating a sausage biscuit."
"For the last time, I don't want to go to Burger King!"
"No, Gladys, that jacket doesn't make you look too butch!"
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

1. "What's up with the two coats?"
2. "Cold are we?"
3. "Here I'm thinking you were thick skinned."
Paula R. Hairston

Holy Cow looks like the Cubs won!
Rebecca Brannon, Greensboro

"Says here the 'Hugo Bossie' look is out this year."
"That coat is so to die for."
"Lose the coat, Mable, or I'll lose my Chick-Fil-A gig."
“It doesn't make you look fat. You're a cow for heck's sake."
"I'm sitting on pleather. You're wearing guilt, you cow-ard."
"So, what's in the pockets? Prods, again?"
"The Cow and Jones average is killing us. Not to mention Lonestar."
"I swear, it's not the Rhino Times."
‘Where's the bell necklace I bought to match?'
washs69

When they say this is a "Bull Market" doesn't mean they're coming after you.
Dwight Hicks, Greensboro

"My worst assignment yet, undercover on the cattle mutilation case."
"It appears someone is stealing our brethren at night by putting shoes on their feet."
"I'm not a flasher, I just got promoted to detective."
"Target has cow bells for 25% off this weekend."
Gray Amick, Greensboro

"Now that you're retired, we can do Everything together!"
"Now that you're retired, let's find you something to do....let's start with the housework."
"Now that you're retired we can do the housework together."
"I'm just checking on the Stock Market."
"Oh. Were you expecting breakfast?"
"I hope that you're planning to 'Eat Mor Chickin'. "
"I know it's wrong, but I am SOOOOOOOOOOOO tired of eating chicken."
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden

"I hope that that's a chicken skin jacket that you're wearing."
"Yes, I Was raised in a barn. WHy?"
"I see that Michael Ahern is at it again."
"Twenty-two years. Twenty-two years he waited. Twenty-Two years...Poor Mrs. O'Leary...."
"Secret Agent Cow?"
"What'daya mean 'You're a Secret Agent Cow???' "
"Did you know that we're color blind? "
"This article says that just because we jumped Over the moon, they think we faked the moon landing.'
"Have you seen the price of milk? Maybe we should set up a stand."
"So who IS making the profit on the cost of milk??"
"The high today will be in the 90's; I don't think you'll need the extra layer."
"Are we 100% Angus?
"Hugh Heifer you're not."
"Are you calling in sick again? If you don't watch it, they'll put you out to pasture."
"No, I don't think you can call in with Mad Cow. They'll just send you to Anger Management classes."
" What's a 3 letter word for 'Name of Talking Horse'...Three???!"
"OK,hon...it's a picture of two cows talking....Think!....what funny thing would WE be saying?"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"Better stay away from that Stella, she wants to make the whole world "leatha"."
Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro

"Work it, Bessie."
"What the hell are you wearing? Uh, I mean.moo?"
"Wouldn't it be easier just to bury your children instead?"
"What's next? A hat made from the skin of baby seals?"
"Yet another example of bovine-on-bovine crime."
"What's next? Gloves made from the whiskers of homeless kittens?"
"Now that's what I call a rump roast!"
"Old McDonald raped you?"
"And just how are you planning to get back at Mrs. O'Leary anyway?"
"Wanna see my tenderloin?"
"It says here that you are now the richest woman in America, Mrs. Winfrey."
"Nah, I'm not hungry. I'm still digesting grass that I ate ten years ago."
"Uh, I don't think Farmer John was milking you, Earl."
"The worst thing about having four stomachs? Constipation."
"Congratulations. It says here you've been named the centerfold in this year's Farmers Alamanac."
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

"Get this Earl...they're trying to use old art instead of a cartoon this week!"
"It looks like Silence Of The Lambs is on at 8."
"Who are you supposed to be...Hugh Heffer?"
"Let me guess...you want your milk shaken not stirred?"
"That's just plain SICK Henry!"
"You look 'udderly' ridiculous!!!"
"Are you just TRYING to get yourself beat up at the PTA meeting?"
"Well I'm sure PETA won't have a problem with THIS now will they?"
"What's next...Hamburgers for dinner then a warm glass of milk before bed?"
"Well...I've always said you had your mother's eyes and now you've got your fathers thick skin..."
"Ewe!"
"Do you think going to the Halloween party as a flasher is really the best idea?"
"Not tonight Earl...I've got a headache..."
"Are you TRYING to make me mad?" (get it?)
"The phrase is a 'Wolf in SHEEP's clothing' you idiot!"
"Is that what you're planning to wear to the mooovies?"
"You meeting with Professor Johnson again? I guess it's a good thing that tonight was Mexican night..."
"See why you shouldn't eat the mushrooms in the pasture??"
"Wouldn't it have been more appropriate to simply have him cremated?"
"If you sing "I've Got You Under My Skin" one more time...."
"I just threw up in my mouth..."
"This really doesn't honor your mothers memory one little bit..."
"Wait...let me guess...there's a Chick-Fil-A joke in there somewhere?"
"You look like an overweight porn star..."
"The only thing funnier than how you look right now would be watching Darth Vader perform Rhythmic Gymnastics..."
"Henry...you're not naked under there are you?"
"I really don't have the time to explain to you how wrong that is on SO many levels..."
"Hey Earl...the 80's just called..."
"Well...Am I also going to be blessed with your "Love Machine" speedo?"
"Looks like there's going to be some sour milk in the morning..."
"You just made all four of my stomachs turn at once..."
"I think your Uncle Sebastian should never, EVER come out of the closet..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

"Well, what do you want me to call you...a stud?"
"Well, aren't you a stud?"
KrisVoy, Trinity

"Off to the park again?
"A story here about a flasher....leather coat, flat nose, oops"
Pat O'Donnell, Kernersville

SNAIL MAIL
"Never mind what I think, it's no skin off my back."
Helen J. Greene, Biscoe
Good one.

Hey listen: Eat mor chikin convention expects big bird protest!
Frank Freeman, Greensboro

Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com

Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.

LAST WEEK'S WINNER
So, whadda ya think of my selections? Agree? Disagree? Let me know what you think.
Leave a comment. Tell me your pick. Tell me why the ones I picked stink. Or, if you must, tell me how brilliant my choices are.

Once again, I didn’t give you much to work with. The best captions were the ones that poked fun at the cartoon itself.
OK, I have to redeem myself this week. Let’s see ... what cartoons do you guys like to write captions for? Cows? Nah, did that last week. Cavemen? Bears in conference rooms? I got it! How about a mad scientist? Need more incentive? Next week’s wining entry may be turned into (with permission, of course) a future Brewster Rockit cartoon featuring Dr. Mel.

WINNER
“W H O ‘ _ T H _ _ E W _ U Y ?”
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

RUNNERS-UP
"He just transferred from our children's division."
Brent Wooten, Thomasville

Tim Rickard's artwork has really improved
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

"He's not going to take another step until you flip the page..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

So I guess we’re downsizing.
Chuck Buckley, Greensboro

"This is what happens when a cartoon is incomplete by deadline"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

Some one needs to switch to De - caff
Paul Poretta , Greensboro

“I don’t understand how Harvey got a job in the art department.”
Tom Norman, Greensboro

BEST POEM
I came to work one Monday,
and grabbed a cup of joe,
and what did my green eyes behold,
but a stick-man on the go!

He had a certain spring to his step
and a briefcase in his hand.
A smile so wide from ear to ear
and a tiny little can.

I paused and thought, "This can't be right
a stick-man at my work,
cuz sticks are used for firewood
not corporate paperwork!"

I thought I must be dreaming,
I didn't know what to think.
My brand new boss had just walked by
and he's nothing more than ink!

I swear I'm just hungover,
a little too far gone,
why else would this be happening,
so early Monday morn.

Nobody would ever believe me,
they'll think it was a dream...
Or they just may think I filled my mug,
with Bailey's Irish Cream!

What a way to start my day,
I'm not sure what to do...
I guess I'll check my email...
and write to Jokes On You!

I know that they'll believe me,
they've seen this stuff before,
like cows dressed up in leather coats,
and wolves moving in next door!

Maybe this ol Rickard guy
is messing with our heads
imagine what next week will bring
two panda's in my bed?

Or maybe a buff chipmunk
dressed up like Sly's Rambo,
or Donald Trump dressed like a mime
performing in the snow.

There really is no pattern,
his logic's off the chart,
I just hope next week's cartoon,
is not more old drawn art!
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

There once was a stickman named Sid
Possibly drawn by Rickard's kid,
Without telling you why,
He would poke out your eye,
Then say, "Hey look what I did!"
Tim Tribbet, Greensboro

I'm going out on a limb, but I think Tim is a little too slim,
that smile has got to go, you know, he's just doing it for show!
You know that briefcase holds the next "Jokes on You"
and "Brewster Rockit" too!
(Just couldn't resist) Nancy Nelson

BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE
"Apparently worked for Lorne Michaels before. Name's Pat. That's all I know."
Tony Hummel, Jamestown

"His name is Harold, and his favorite color is purple."
Kris Voy, Trinity
One of my favorite books from childhood.

BEST INSIDE JOKE
Tim Rickard's artwork has really improved
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

"This is what happens when a cartoon is incomplete by deadline"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

“I told you we were in a cartoon.”
Marsha Elam, Greensboro

“He’s one of Rickard’s early creations.”
Bill Wallace, High Point

"Looks like Rickard ran out of time...or ink..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

Tim Rickard is a stick artist now because he couldn't think of any more animals or characters to use
Nancy Nelson

THE REST
Slimfast.
J. C. Winkler, Greensboro
Nice.

" Just another ad from Time-Warner Cable"
Carole McIntyre, Randleman

That is what you call an extreme diet!
Paula Pile, Greensboro

1. Too much caffeine!
2. I wonder what he knows that we don't!
3. What's she smiling about, she has NO figure!
3.That LA weight loss diet is really working.
4. That's taking anorexia to a whole new level.
5. I think we got the short in of the stick, don't you?!
6. If it wasn't for that smile, you wouldn't know he was here.
7. I'd like to wipe that grin off of his face.
8. I guess we know who got the promotion!
Nancy Nelson

9. I hope he's not a member of "The Smiley Face Gang"?
10. He got chosen to represent us in the Olympic Games?
11. Stick with me and we'll break him!
12. I don't trust him as far as I can throw him!
Nancy Nelson

Coffee: $2.00, Breifcase: $30.00, Gastric bypass: PRICELESS
Austin Elmore, Gibsonville

"Go Figure."
Harol Hoffman-Meisner, Greensboro

It looks like Tim's new diet worked too well
It looks like time was pressed for time again this week.
I hear he is great at playing "Hangman"
"He is sooo transparent."
We have to draw a line somewhere on Casual Friday.
I hear the boss likes "Thin Mints."
I'd have worn brown shoes.
I guess he is on a winning 'streak.'
He's the Olsen Twins' Dad.
"Never say "Sticks and Stone's" to Johnson.'
He's on that Pretzel Diet.
Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough

"I heard talk of downsizing, but this is ridiculous!"
Jennie McNamara, Greensboro

13. He sticks out like a sore thumb!
14. He's so fake!
15. Gimme a break!
16. Let's face it thin is in! Nancy Nelson

17. He's the boss's new take on diversity!
18. I just don't trust anybody who smiles all the time!
19. What's he have that I don't?
20. The boss is branching out again!
Nancy Nelson

"Yeah, he lost the modeling job as the Pillsbury Doughboy, but he's still smiling."
Ken Layton, Carthage

Don't let him fool you; he's a monster in the boardroom.
That's the efficiency guy from corporate; They call him "The Hangman".
So I guess we're downsizing.
Bob must have had a great weekend; he seems so animated.
I don't trust that guy.
HR must be getting desperate.
Chuck Buckley, Greensboro

Some one needs to switch to De - caff
Paul Poretta, Greensboro

T? G? I? F
Paul Poretta, Greensboro

This corporate downsizing is really getting personal!
W. W. Woodruff, Jamestown

They ran Obama's pilot through the "wringer".
He is a "stick" to it kind of guy.
That's Gumby's great grandson.
He been worked to nothingness.
No fashion worries there.
He's a man with no image.
See...he is and airhead....
I am glad we are not subjected to "going" problems.
He's a genealogist.
He does family trees.
Everything about him screams mime.
I hear he married the Michellin man's daughter.
He's the type that will stick it to ya.
His wife steam rolled him in the divorce.
Thats super model Twiggy's husband Limb.
I wonder....he took his wife's Slim Quick........
Christine Keaton, Randleman

He's taking that diet way to serious....
Shawn Barfield, Randleman

1. "He took that "work your fingers to the bone" to a whole new level."
2. "He took that "work your fingers to the bone" to the nth degree."
3. "There goes that smiley stick man."
4. "He lacks character if you ask me."
5. "I wonder if he does any emoticons."
6. "That all day smile unnerves me."
7. "Oh no, another temp. from that smiley agency."
8. "Twenty bucks says it's a girl."
Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro

1. "Sure saves on buying clothes."
2. "Dr. said too much Viagra."
George Cornett, Greensboro

That new guy Bob really works himself to the bone.
Why is he smiling?- He has no genitals.
Why doesn't the new guy have to wear a tie?
Looks like Jared is spending a lot of time at Subway again.
They must have just slashed prices at Walmart again.
Laura Craven, Oak Ridge

This week's caption: "He is really sticking it to us!"
J'edith Exum, Reidsville

1.)Wow, Jenny Craig really does work!
2.)Never play hangman with that guy
3.)Tim Rickard's artwork has really improved
4.)I hear he's really sticking it to his secretary .
5.)That's what happens if you overdo Diet Coke.
6.)That guy is a real stickler for details.
7.) I can never tell if he is naked or not.
8) I don't know his name but his face looks really familiar.
9.)Is he really related to Kate Moss?
10.) I wouldn't be that happy if I had no genitals.
11.) Hey,how come he doesn't have to wear a tye?
12.) What a stick in the mud.
Tim Tribbett, GREENSBORO

You think he could at least "stick" around for a cup of coffee.
Ray Wyrick, Greensboro

The email from HR said he used to teach kindergarten.
Helen Tueffel, Browns Summit

22. That's Brevity!
23. Should we invite him out for lunch?!
Nancy Nelson

"That's Carl, he's head of the company's new down-sizing team"
ERNY KAROLY, Jamestown

"That is NOT what we meant for CASUAL FRIDAY!"
Teresa Blake, Greensboro

"If he says 'Have a nice day' one more time, I'm going to twist him into a Christmas ornament!"
Mike Flint
I liked this one, but I would have ended it after “one more time …” to make it shorter.

24. Let's put a firecracker under his desk!
25. You and me and tree makes three!
26. He wasn't smiling when they set off the fireworks this year!
27. I bet dogs love him!
27. He's looking this way, just frown!
28. He thinks he knows it all!
29. With that fake smile, he has got to be a politician.
Nancy Nelson

"How come he never has to comply with the company's dress code?"
Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro

Why isn't his face jaundiced today?
He's the first one off the elevator if it's loaded over the weight capacity.
This place will wipe that smile off his face.
Wonder what he took to clear up his jaundice?
He never goes near the snack machines.
In the corporate cog he's just another smiley face.
He's new to the actuarial dept. -- trying to link obesity to morbidity.
He eats 12,000 calories a day . . . but he swims a lot.
The health insurance company has him checking on workplace obesity.
He's working undercover checking on workplace obesity.
You'd smile too if you had scooped that big story for the National Enquirer.
He takes "casual Fridays" a little too far.
He seems mighty happy to have been on an all-night stakeout at a Los Angeles hotel.
That briefcase is stuffed with his bonus from the National Enquirer.
Wish the National Enquirer would send me to a Los Angeles hotel in the middle of the night.
If you've seen one smiley face you've seen them all.
Joan Lux, Greensboro

Carl is taking casual Friday toooooo far!
Mike Riley, Jamestown

30. His bark is worse that his bite!
31.Tree, tree, tree! (Hee, hee, hee)
32. There's no place in this workforce for nudity!
33. I'm not a prude but she's NUDE!
34. Girl, you're barking up the wrong tree!
35. I'm not going out on a limb for this guy!
35. There goes Happy Harvick making another pitt stop!
Nancy Nelson

"He'd rather gas-up his Hummer than buy food."
"He's been on one of those TV diets."
"Poor Tim. The boss has been working him to the bone."
"Have you met the newspaper's new cartoonist?"
Heidi Huber, Sault Ste. Marie, Ontario, Canada

"This is what happens when a cartoon is incomplete by deadline"
"Where again is this intra-company transfer from?"
"And I thought I was thin!"
"We won't see him at the coffee bar. His ink is water based"
"Keep talking. He can't hear us"
"First impression. He the two-dimensioned cheerleader type"
"New concept. If he can cut it, they will simply wipe him out"
"But can he use a laptop?!"
"He runs the company Day Care center"
"The temp agencies keeping pushing the envelope on help"
"Don't worry. His kind are all smiles, no substance"
"In his briefcase, are markers to touch up his lines"
"They weren't kidding when they said the new boss is different"
"He invited me over this weekend to meet his friends!"
"I'll bet he is in one of those weird cults you see on TV"
"I have seen that face before!!"
"At least he won't be hitting on you"
"And he can be copied!"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

I think Joe needs to ease up on the slim fast
John L. Privette

37. He's all talk and no action!
38. I think he needs to leaf out some!
39. Nice grin but he has no chin!
40. You think he could intoduce us to Charlie Brown!
41.Tim Rickard is a stick artist now because he couldn't think of any more animals or characters to use
Nancy Nelson

Now that is what lean management produces!
He is happy because he cannot "down size" anymore.
Kemp Mattocks, Greensboro

"Sure, he's a nice guy but he's really not a people person."
"Lordy, Lordy, Bob weighs forty."
"Don't let that smile fool you. I can practically see right through him."
"Maybe this consultant can help us trim some fat."
"I just love the CEO's new clothes."
"We went to the buffet yesterday. I just don't know where he puts it."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

"Hey Mister Smiley face man, play a song for me..."
Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro

"Man! I knew they were talking about downsizing . . . but, this is ridiculous!"
Cheryl Blythe-Carver – Greensboro

"W H O ' _ T H _ _ E W _ U Y ?"
"Don't worry. I hear he's just a figurehead."
"Aren't they just so darned cute on their first day?"
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

"The company has gone too far with the Lean initiative."
Phil Valla, Greensboro

There's a rumor that he eats only happy meals.
Joan Lux, Greensboro

"So, what do you think of the new Diversity Initiative Instructor?"
"I can't find any references in the employee manual, but he can't be following the dress code."
"It's like his smile is permanently drawn on his face!"
"He says he needs glasses, but doesn't have any way to hold them on his face."
"He only sees things in black and white."
"His wife's name is Barbie...they can't have children."
"Apparently worked for Lorne Michaels before. Name's Pat. That's all I know."
Tony Hummel, Jamestown

"Jared, this Subway thing has gone too far."
"I heard he makes a sticks figure salary."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

"I told you we were in a cartoon."
"I know they told us to connect with our inner child, but this is ridiculous."
"Did I just hear him say, 'Good afternoon, good evening and good night?'''
"I tried to bring my inner child to work.he threw a tantrum."
"That's Tim Rickard's inner child."
"Now I know how Truman felt."
Marsha Elam, Greensboro

Sure , He says Life is Good, but I think he has lost weight.
Tim Gray

"I think this is that new weight-loss specialist they just hired."
Dave Derence, Greensboro

"Has Ted lost weight?"
"He just transferred from our children's division."
"Do you notice anything different about John today?"
Brent Wooten, Thomasville

"Either Ted lost 150 lbs. overnight or someone spiked my coffee."
"Please tell me you notice something strange about Bill."
"Looks like someone got hangman."
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro
Nice ones.

They send him on trips because he eats like a bird and travels light."
Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough

1. I need to make an appointment with my eye doctor and then a psychiatrist.
2. What are they putting in this coffee?
3. Is he naked or does he have clothes on?
4. I think it's time he got off of Nutra-System.
5. He just walked out of the elevator and the doors never opened.
6. His Dr. put him on a diet but this is ridiculous.
7. He just sold the boss a group plan for his diet and exercise program.
No fast food places for him.
His wife is a pencil.
They take the "all you can eat" buffet sign down when he walks in.
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden

1. “I don’t understand how Harvey got a job in the art department.”
2. “That’s my wife’s divorce lawyer from the firm, Grin & Bearit.”
3. “Someone needs to tell him to stop taking the stairs.”
4. “He’s been like that since he bought Google at $12.00 a share.”
5. “Now I know why they only show his head.”
6. “We don’t pay him - he’s just happy to be here.”
7. “We need an employee drug screening program.”
Tom Norman, Greensboro

Ralph, that guy surely gives new meaning to the statement, " Working yourself to the bare bones!"
Phyllis King, Greensboro

" That must be that new teacher that wrote 'The Art of Simplicity'. "
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"I can't believe he's our new boss."
"He's my daughter's new boyfriend."
"That's my daughter's new boyfriend. I find him a bit simple."
"Son, don't forget to call me after school!"....'that boy can't seem to remember a thing.' "
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden

"That's my son. I believe he'd forget his head if it weren't drawn on."
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden
CC Cockerham, Greensboro
This idea had potential – head drawn on …

"Yup...that's the guy that taught me everything that I know about business."
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden

"Some people find him complicated, but I've found him to be pretty transparent."
"He SEEMs happy, but I can see right through him."
"I'm waiting to see which bathroom they go into."
"Well...I'm just hoping that Pat has to go to the bathroom soon, so that I can see which one it goes into."
"I don't think Race, Creed, or Color is going to apply."
"I think he thinks it's Casual Friday."
"I hear that HR had to rewrite the dress code."
Here's my entry for this week's cartoon:
(I'm pretty sure this is NOT going to be "PC".)
"That's our new Salesman from Ethiopia."
"That's our new Salesman from Ethiopia...can you believe that he didn't want to wear shoes."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

He is happy because he got a perfect score on his PSA test.
Don Rankin, Greensboro

“He's certainly not worried about downsizing.”
“Looks like accounting has its skeleton crew reporting today.”
“Davenport has either lost weight or is experimenting with Viagra.”
“He's certainly not afraid to stick it to management.”
“Looks like HR is taking affirmative action very seriously.”
“The rumor is he’s seeing Twiggy from accounting.”
Gray Amick, Greensboro

"That's the new boss. He drives an awesome BMW stick shift."
"Is it just me, or is the company operating at bare bones these days?"
"All I said was our company needs to go back to the drawing board."
"He must be a plant. He looks way too happy every day."
"I'm waiting for him to take out his purple crayon and eliminate our positions."
"That's the new hire. They promoted him off the assembly line."
"His name is Harold, and his favorite color is purple."
"It's HR's latest ploy to make us love our jobs."
"He thinks outside the box. Matter of fact, I think he used to BE a box!"
Kris Voy, Trinity

"He used to be John Edwards."
Reta S. Beck, Greensboro

"I don't think Harry quite understood the memo about downsizing."
Diane Bishop, Greensboro

"Wow...Bob sure has a spring in his step since trying Enzyte!"
"He heard Wal-Mart was hiring..."
"Wow Tammy...looks like the new diet is really starting to pay off!"
"I can never tell them apart...is that Mary-Kate or Ashley?"
"Does Tim really think I'm going to fall for the old Draw-Myself-On-The-Wall trick?"
"What does he think this is YouTube?"
"If anybody should be thinkin Arby's it's that guy..."
"This happens every time it's Bring-Your-Kid-To-Work day at the News & Record."
"Hey Bill...what time is Stickball practice on Saturday?"
"He works nights over at Fire N Stix..."
"You do see that too right?"
"That's the corporate cleaner they brought in. You don't want to get caught up in a game of hangman with THAT guy!"
"There has got to be something wrong with him...nobody can be that happy ALL the time..."
"I hate that smug little grin he always gives you when you try and talk to him..."
"He's not going to take another step until you flip the page..."
"Looks like I'm now just one pink eraser away from a nice corner office..."
"Times must be tought when they allow supermodels into corporate America..."
"He's more of a Ba-Dink-A-Dink"
"Wait...wait...flip the page backwards...it's hilarious..."
"Looks like Rickard ran out of time...or ink..."
"Bill's nothing more than a corporate Pencil Pusher..."
"There goes Tim...stickin' it to the man!"
"Woah...this is coffee isn't it?"
"Great...I know I'm going to end up pissing in the janitor's closet now that he's quit..."
I really wish I had drawn the figure to look more like the bathroom symbol cause this would have won hands down – although we’d have to do something about that one word …
"Don't call him Twiggy..he HATES it when you call him Twiggy..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

“When did we hire Ally McBeal”
Mike McLaurin, Trinity

He get’s one more promotion I’m bringing out the eraser.
He seems a little sketchy!
Him telling ME to get the lead out is a little hypocritical.
He started out on the floor of the art department…now he’s the CEO.
A little white-out would take care of that silly grin.
David Robinette, Rockingham County
"Well isn't that swell... a streaker at the workplace."
Ian Knight, Greensboro
Good one, just got in too late.

Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com

Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.

LAST WEEK'S WINNER
So, whadda ya think of my selections? Agree? Disagree? Let me know what you think.
Leave a comment. Tell me your pick. Tell me why the ones I picked stink. Or, if you must, tell me how brilliant my choices are.

A big shout-out to Mr. Buckley’s fifth-grade class who had some hilarious entries. Honestly, guys, you had me at “explosive donkey.” Also included are hobos, singing frogs and denture-centric monkeys. Read their captions below.
Also, a newspaper in Indiana has admittedly stolen our “Jokes On You” idea - and name. They really need to steal from a better class of people. But the one thing they can’t take though is our talented cast of contributors.

MR. BUCKLEY’S FIFTH GRADE CLASS
And my 5th grade students’ entries (comedy is difficult skill to teach, but we’ll get there...there was also a lot of stuff about hobos, I’m not sure why.)

Kyle Q.
Hello I lost a frog that sings
Hi I lost the monkey that takes my teeth out at night

Jake R.
Well it looks like someone beat you quite badly
Yes, sorry about the explosion

Devonte M
You have a black eye

Ceasar L
So are you Lost or Found.

Victoria R
Excuse me is anyone here? All I see is a pile of junk

Jenny P
Lost and found for Hobos

Xavier B
I lost my tie and all I found was this hobo.

James M
Sorry about the explosion Frank. I just wanted to try it out.
I didn’t know the explosive donkey would blow up.

Damon H
No! My science project!
My robot is crushed

WINNER
It has a fuse about this long.
Dave Sheets, Greensboro

RUNNERS-UP
Anyone turned in a Tasmanian devil?
J. C. Winkler, Asheboro

"I see you found it!"
Ken Layton, Carthage

No,no,no,my monster was navy blue not lavender!
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

Yeah it's about this big and what ever you do,
Don't shake it
Pam Hart, Siler City

“Sorry about that but he gets that way around fire.“
Joel Clark, Greensboro

"I seem to have misplaced my death ray- I mean toaster."
Brent Wooten, Thomasville

"Let me ask you, was there more of a yellow flame or purple smoke?"
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

"Did you find a package marked DO NOT OPEN"?
Rick Meehan, Graham

BEST “SENT IN CAPTION FOR WRONG CARTOON”
Buzz off you two timing cad, I seen you polynate that other flower.
No name given

BEST POEM
Well I thought that you might help me,
it seems I cannot find,
my tiny little princess,
the apple of my eye!

She's cute and white and fluffy,
and really kinda shy,
as gentle as a baby duck,
and wouldn't hurt a fly.

Please tell me that you've seen her,
that you know where I can find,
My 'tiny little cupcake',
that might have wandered by??

This is the very first time,
she's been out of the lab,
She hated being in stuck in there,
it's really kinda drab.

So here we are at Space-Mart,
to get some fancy things,
I left her in the toy department,
right by the Silly String!

So I know that if you see her,
you'll know just what to do,
cuz we have to get back to the lab,
to read The Jokes On You!
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

BEST INSIDE JOKE
No,no,no ,my robot doesn't look anything like the robot from"Lost in Space"!!!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
Hands down winner. I guess Mr. Tribbett is aware of my problems in Brewster Rockit on this matter?

Have you seen a deathbot carrying a spleen about this size?
Tim Tribbett

Have you seen a psychotic smiley faced stickman?
Tim Tribbett

“Yes I did train a bear to do office work. Why?“
Joel Clark

"His name is Philbert. You seen him?"
Stephen Botts, Greensboro

BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE
(Paging Mel Brooks …)
I’m looking for my friend: Abbie Normal. Have you seen him?
J. C. Winkler, Asheboro

"For the last time, it's pronounced Fronk-en-steen!"
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

"Do you have a package for 'Q?'"
Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough
… Of the continuum, I presume?

THE REST
Check back there again -- I can look at you and tell you have the cat.
Look back there again -- he's on steroids and fighting for his ninth life.
I raised him on "Mozart for Babies" -- but he ran away singing "Muskrat Love."
He's about this big and very excitable -- but you already know that.
I see you've already met my wascally wabbit.
He ran off when I started testing a new flu vaccine.
Joan Lux, Greensboro

1. I'm sorry, I got you sucked into this black hole!
2. I'm looking for a few good body parts.
3. Do you have any close relatives?
4. I lost my brain, do you have one in there?
5. Brain, heart, liver, I'll take what I can get!
6. Honestly, I didn't mean to transport you to that deserted island
7. Sometimes accidents happen!
8. Who knew cloning would be so hard?!
9. What do you mean you're suing me?!
10. Come back, I can fix this!
11. Too many wire sutures, huh!
12. Sorry you got Lost in Space!
13. But it was the only hand I had!
14. I think you are holding together pretty well!
15. I see you found a job!
16. No you don't look like a creature from the black lagoon.
17. Well I had to do something after that bear ripped you apart!
I'm glad I found you, Brewer wants you to be his running mate for galactic vice president!
Nancy Nelson

I wish to return this invisible toaster as it is defective.
Ken Miller

YEAH IT'S ABOUT THIS BIG AND WHAT EVER YOU DO, DON'T SHAKE IT
PAM HART, SILER CITY

" My patient lost his mind, have you seen it ? "
" I think you found my patient who lost his temper. "
" Who lost their cool ? "
" Ha ! You found my experiment ! "
" Have you lost your mind ? "
" You've lost it ! "
" YES ! I've lost my Marbles ! ! !
" I'm telling you for the last time, I'm Dr. Jekyll looking for Mr. Hyde ! "
" Hyde, I found you ! "
" Don't play Hyde and seek with me ! "
" I'll kill for a pair of gloves that don't fit ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

I'm looking for some lost nitro....I see you found it!
Darrell Kimrey, Greensboro

...It's a wildcat, about yeah big.
No, my Deathray didn't have a dishevel setting.
Yes, he is a monkey, but he knows jujitsu.
I'm from the anger studies group. Have you seen our chimp?
The Killbot does have an off switch, you know.
I'm sorry to hear that but I'm just looking for my hat
I have that same problem with Vista.
Have you seen my Beat-you-up 5000?
Chuck Buckley, Greensboro
Some good ones just barely missing the runners-up

Hello I lost a frog that sings
Hi I lost the monkey that takes my teeth out at night
Kyle Q.

Well it looks like someone beat you quite badly
Yes, sorry about the explosion
Jake R.

You have a black eye
Devonte M.

So are you Lost or Found.
Ceasar L

Excuse me is anyone here? All I see is a pile of junk
Victoria R

Lost and found for Hobos
Jenny P

I lost my tie and all I found was this hobo.
Xavier B.

Sorry about the explosion Frank. I just wanted to try it out.
I didn't know the explosive donkey would blow up.
James M.

No! My science project!
My robot is crushed
Damon H

Buzz off you two timing cad, I seen you pollinate that other flower.
Marcel St-Jules

"He's about this long, has 8 legs, and a slight attitude...have you seen him?"
"It's the world's first pair of automatic shoestrings..."
"I finally figured out how to extract that wild hair Brewster had up his keester but I seem to have misplaced it..."
"It's called a 'Wild Hair' and is usually hold up in dark, stinky places..."
"It's the world's first Self-Sewing Button..."
"My God Man!?!?!?! What have you done to my SLINKY??"
"It's called an automatic needle threader..."
"A...N...T... Automatic Needle Threader...seen it?"
"Well, apparently the spiders got into the Viagra samples and well, things have gotten a little...complicated..."
"Mirror, Mirror On The Wall..."
"Good God Man...did you dress in the DARK this morning?!?"
"I need a Whopper with Cheese, Large Fries..."
"Well...I can't seem to find my glasses..."
"Well it WAS the worlds largest spool of thread...."
"It's a portable sewing machine...made by Ronco..."
"I finally perfected the No-Tangle fishing reel but I seem to have misplaced it..."
"It walks down stairs alone or in pairs and makes a 'slinkety' sound..."
"It's the world's first self-playing violin..."
"It's like Rogaine but for chest hair..."
"Well most people use it to clean between their teeth..."
"It's the world's first hands-free dental floss..."
"My mother always said to CUT those little strings...never pull them..."
"...and if you find it, whatever you do, Don't Open The Lid!!!"
"Maybe you should just try velcro..."
"My GOD I look HORRIBLE this morning!"
"Should I come back later?"
"I Can't Find My String Cheese!!!"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro
Unfortunately, some of the funniest captions (ordering a Whopper? Slinky?) we received.
But just a tad “out-there” to be included (I’m afraid not every reader is as warped as me.)

Anyone turned in a Tasmanian devil?
J. C. Winkler, Asheboro, NC

I'm Dr. Frankenstein. Have you seen my friend?
It's really a quite small nuclear reactor.

I'm looking for my friend: Abbie Normal. Have you seen him?
J. C. Winkler, Asheboro

"Please tell me you didn't harm the creature!"
(I hope the irony tanslates in text)
"I knew I shouldn't have implanted Amy Winehouse's brain!"
"What monster? My wife caught me cheating!"
"For the last time, it's pronounced Fronk-en-steen!"
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

It's a box, about this big, witha label that reads, Do not shake.
Robert Atwood Greensboro , NC

1.)Well,who told you to turn it on dummy?
2.)Have you seen a cosmic deathbot/ipod dock?
3.)So you see ,when matter and anti-matter meet you get.....
4.)Have you seen a deathbot carrying a spleen about this size?
5.)Yeah ,he always seems to go for the spleen first.
6.)No,no,no,my monster was navy blue not lavender!
7.)Has anyone turned in an analprobebot?
8.)Let me tell you where you went wrong.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

No,no,no ,my robot doesn't look anything like the robot from"Lost in Space"!!!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

" Yes ! Your proctologist has lost his ring ! ! ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

Yeah, he caused quite a stir in the gene pool too.
Do you have an aggressive amoeba back there?
Identifying marks -- a tatoo of three test tubes.
Joan Lux, Greensboro

19. What's up with this malpractice suit!!!
20. Brewster Rockit wants you to attend a conference with him on Mizar in the constellation Ursa Major.
21. Well be grateful you aren't a fly!
Nancy Nelson

"I see you found it!"
Ken Layton, Carthage

"It was about this size and it went 'Tick-Tock'".
Ken Layton, Carthage

1) "Weren't you in the Complaint Department this morning?"
2) "We've come to take you back"
3) "..and what about the other guy?"
4) "Come now, back to the Asylum!"
--Bill Beerman, Greensboro

"Items aren't returned in the same condition?"
"Cousin Marco, we shouldn't be here just because I lost my temper with you!"
Ian Knight, Greensboro

1.)Holy cow!Did my Mr. Rogers clone do that to you?!
2.)Have you seen a psychotic smiley faced stickman?
3.) I find a little aloe will help soothe radiation burns from my deathbots
4.)Enough about your troubles,I've lost my monster!
5.)Well,when your name is Frankenstein you're expected to make at least one psycho monster.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

"Today, lost and found. Tomorrow.....maybe a kiosk."
"Funny, you're obviously in shock but I don't detect any awe."
"Let me ask you, was there more of a yellow flame or purple smoke?"
"I'm no madman. Now give me a number 3 with no onions."
"Maybe next time you'll look for my Isotoners."
"Thank heavens the second one didn't go off."
"Did you happen to find three vials of charcoal, saltpetre and sulphur?"
"You've been blinded by science!"
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

"he's white, has a long tail and ran off with my Lab experiment
Frank Brown, Greensboro

"Did you find a package marked DO NOT OPEN"?
Rick Meehan, Graham

It has a fuse about this long.
2. I see that my wife has been here. Did you find her pocketbook?
3. I believe I left my box of experiments here. Did anyone turn it in?.
4. Does this mean I won't get my monkey back?
Dave Sheets, Greensboro

" Has anybody turned in a Tasmanian devil?"
"He's about 7'2" and hates people without neckties ..."
Jon Barsanti Jr Hillsborough

" You see now ! I've lost my grip on myself ! "
Frank C. Leonard

Excuse me, did you find a bo........never mind.
Paul Poretta, Greensboro

"Oh, you'll be fine........Now how about a Fresca?"
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

It was my latest creation: I call it, ŒA Can of Whup-Ass¹
Mr. Sutter.
(Good to hear from you)

"The box was this big and had a timer. Seen it??
"I see you met my wife!"
"Have you see my robotic dog?'
"I lost my Mister Wizard Chemistry Set"
"It's hide and go seek. Have you see Pam, she's the angry one or Bruster, the stupid one?"
"It's a small alien I created. It behaves well except when touched"
"You survived my curse!! Want a job in my lab?"
"It was a box that was clearly marked "Do Not Shake".
"Do you always dress like that?"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

1. “I’m guessing you have my Dishevel Accelerator.”
2. “I warned you to wait 30 minutes after eating before using the transporter.”
3. “How did you end up here? You were in my dryer looking for my lost sock.”
Tom Norman, Greensboro

1. "I see you have eaten the zebra nuggets."
2. "I see you have pushed the Do Not Touch button."
Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro

"I see that someone turned in my keys."
"I seem to have misplaced my death ray- I mean toaster."
"Lucky for you it was set on stun."
"I'm looking for a runaway atom."
"Has anyone turned in a Bunsen burner?"
Brent Wooten, Thomasville

"Remember, if he comes back this way, he likes to be scratched behind the ears."
"Sometimes he wanders off just as if he had a mind of his own."
"Quick, we've got to stop him before he gets to layaway."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

"I lost some nitroglycerin ..."
"But the package said "Do Not Shake..."
"It said "Do Not Open Until Christmas ...""
"Do you have a package for 'Q?'"
Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough

1) “ I don’t mean to pile on but that’s not going to grow back. “
2) “ I bet the next time you see a “ Do Not Open “ sticker you will leave it alone . “
3) “ Excuse me. I lost a bomb……I mean a box….yes that’s it….. I lost a box. “
4) “ Sorry about that but he gets that way around fire . “
5) “ The good news is that you can charge your IPOD by just holding it in your hand. “
6) “ It’s really important that you stay away from pregnant women for awhile !! “
7) “ Did you at least know which way he went ? “
8) “ How do you know it was MY bomb ? “
9) “ Do we really need to involve the police ? “
10) “ What is this, casualty Friday ? “
11) “ For a few weeks you will notice that metal is attracted to you. “
12) “ You big baby, it just means that he likes you . “
13) “ This is very important ! Did he bite you ? “
14) “ Sorry but that part of you will glow in the dark for about 6 months! “
15) “ The good news is that you now have a shelf life of about 77,000years ! “
16) “ If that ear falls off can I have it ? “
17) “ It’s about this big and has the faint smell of uranium . “
18) “ I’d say about 7½ feet tall, flat head, bolts in neck, and a baddisposition . “
19) “ Get used to it. That smell is permanent . “
20) “ You’re being overly sensitive. I can barely notice it . “
Joel Clark, Greensboro

1.)You mixed your matter with my lost anti-matter causing a very destructive splatter.
2.)You mixed your matter with my lost anti-matter henceforth you got splattered.
Tim Tribbett Greensboro

21) " I don't want you to over react but you might grow a tail. "
22) " I bet you just love it when the Mad Scientist Convention comes to town. "
23) " No, I'm Frank N. Stein !! "
24) " I'm not sure but it might be a guy named Mr. Hyde . "
25) " We've got to find him before the towns people do !! "
26) " You'd be touchy too if you were being chased with torches all the time! "
27) " Wait till you hear how clear your radio comes in now ! "
28) "#@*& &%@* idiot @&%! &%$# my bomb @*&%$# * &%#@ kill you &^$#$@ your mother !!!!"
29) " Bad side...radioactive...good side...free XM radio . "
30) " At least now you can avenge your uncle's murder . "
31) " Come by the lab and I'll give you one of my extra eyes . "
32) " I left him alone in the lab and he cooked up a batch of crystal meth ."
33) " Go ahead and call the police. Who's gonna believe a mouse did this toyou ? "
34) " Forgive me but I'm a little schizophrenic...no I'm not...yes I am. "
35) " Talk about the Theory of Negativity ! "
36) " Cut him a break. Some kids were picking on him in the food court . "
37) " It's very important that we find him before 5 o'clock. He's got my buspass. "
38) " Not dead, I said you were undead. Big difference ! "
39) " You don't have a craving for human brains do you ? "
40) " How do I explain this to you ? That part of you is in a parallel universe ! "
41) " It's about this big and has Excedrin written all over it. "
42) " When I dared you to call him a monster to his face I was being sarcastic !! "
43) " That was no monster. That was Dick Cheney. "
44) " What color ???? How many bombs do you have back there ??? "
45) " Yes I did train a bear to do office work. Why ? "
Joel Clark, Greensboro

You thought it was a fire extinguisher and you lit a match to it to see if
it would work?!
Dwight Hicks, Greensboro

" Something's Missing Alright ! ! ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

"I heard you have the key to the Kay Hagan/Libby Dole timeshare."
Gray Amick, Greensboro

I'm Dr. Frankenstein. I see I've come to the right place!
Cindy Bradshaw, Reidsville

"My very hungry, PMS-raging, nymphomaniacal, 500 pound wife is missing. Have
you seen her?"
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

1) Exxxxxcellent
Deadpan, Winston-Salem

21. If I only had a brain!
22. Who said I was GOD!
23. I thought this was lost and found not the complaint department!
24. You'll make a great lighting rod! 25. I'd never dream I'd find you here!
26. Be thankful, I had to piece you together.
26. How many times to I have to tell you, you're not a monster!
Nancy Nelson

" Ah ! You found my electro shock treatment equipment ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

"His name is Philbert. You seen him?"
"The crate is marked 'Tasmania' . Shouldn't be a problem finding it."
"You're a mess, O'Shea. Now go home and get some rest. And tell your
wife and 14 kids I said hello."
Stephen Botts, Greensboro

"She's about this big and her name is Fluffy..."
"She's about this big, loves to chase string, and her name's Tinkerbell..."
"As long as you stay back about THIS far you should be fine..."
"I was trying to teach it how to sew but it didn't seem all that interested..."
"Well...it looks a bit like a silkworm only...bigger."
"I was showing it how important it was to floss after every meal but I don't think it it took..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

SNAIL MAIL
“It looks like a kitty, but it’s a baby cougar on steroids!”
Frank Freeman, Greensboro