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Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com

Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.

Sorry, Joan, but Pat beat you to the winning punch line.
I’ll have to admit, I was pretty proud of this week’s cartoon. After several weeks of what I thought were sub-standard ideas, I thought the Potato-Heads was a clever idea with lots of potential. You proved me right. We received some of best captions we’ve received in a while. Many deserving entries had to be left out of the paper. You can read them below.

WINNER
Now tell me, Mr and Mrs Spud... are you planning for 1 potato - 2 potatoes - 3 potatoes or 4???"
Pat Vaughn, Madison

RUNNERS-UP
"The bad news is that the burns are pretty extensive but the good news is the office has never smelled so good!"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

"Actually, plastic surgery would be quite simple."
Rob Black, High Point

The Food Network wants to film his surgery.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

"I'm sorry Mrs. but that part isn't interchangeable."
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

“We’re talking with Hasbro about a possible organ donation.”
Don Byers, Greensboro

"Well, if you want children, I'll have to order part A1163-R."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

You two need to stop trying to change each other.
Nancy Nelson

“Your father’s in a happier place now - or at least in a Happy Meal.”
Tom Norman, Greensboro

I’ve got good news, you’re having tater tots!
Sydney E and Chuck Buckley

BEST INSIDE JOKE
If you're craving donuts there's a joke contest in Indiana.
Joan Lux, Greensboro

BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE
Doctor: "Bo" is claiming Paternity against Mr Potato Head"
Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough
(From Toy Story)

Have you gotten that Darth Tater outfit yet?
Nancy Nelson
It really is a Mr. Potato Head kit.

"Completely unrelated question...do you think there will be a Toy Story 3?"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

"The bad news is that we had to remove almost 95% of his skin. The good news is my chimney has never been cleaner!"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro
Apparently, burning potato skins does clean a chimney. Go figure.

You have Phytopthora Infestans.
Deadpan, Winston-Salem
(I Googled it. It’s potato blight.)

BEST/WORST PUN
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt your peelings.
With that attitude no one will ever mistaken you for a sweet potato.
Deadpan, Winston-Salem

THE REST
MR BUCKLEY AND HIS CLASS
He didn't suffer. He was julienned before he hit the fryer.
I'm afraid it will need to be a complete face-ectomy
...get it? Tumor...Tuber...How can you not see the humor in that?
Eyes, Noses, Lips...no problem, easy fix. Heart murmur...different story
Chuck Buckley, Greensboro

Here are two that started off as two of the kids' captions, but I punched them up a bit.

I'm sorry to tell you this but your son is a vegetable.
Jake R and Chuck Buckley

I've got good news, you're having tater tots!
Sydney E and Chuck Buckley

The kids' captions:
I'm sorry but this hospital has no room for the incredibly ugly.
Jordan W

Do I have potatoes in my office or am I seeing things.
Kasey M

We don't cook potato heads, just whole potatoes.
Victoria R

I'm sorry to say this, but you go well with steak.
Ceasar L

It's tearing me to pieces and breaking me apart
Devonte M

I wouldn't count McDonalds as suicide.
Eddie K

You two will never break apart
Damon H

We can't talk to each other. The kid gave us closed mouths
Jeyla S

I thought you were potatoes about each other
Tony W

We couldn't build your baby, not enough parts.
James M

1. You two need to stop trying to change each other.
2. Starches are bad for you.
3. Your cholestral levels are thru the roof!
4. You're telling me, your spud is no longer a stud.
5. You need to sign up for that Biggest Loser show.
6. Your stud is a now dud!
7. You don't have a leg to stand on!
8. I'm putting you both on a low carb diet!
9. Exercise, exercise, exercise!
10. I'm sending you for a clonoscopy!
11. I'm recommending colonics for both of you.
13. Toe touches don't count!
14. Go for long walks together.
Nancy Nelson

"I'm sorry for the bad news. There will be no small fries in your home."
"The adoption has been finalized. This spud's for you."
"It's not terminal, so don't come all apart on me."
"I assure you, this is not some sort of game."
"Unfortunately, the crowd became hysterical and your son was mashed in the stampede for the exit."
"You both need to cut down on the carbs."
"We're talking with Hasbro about a possible organ donation."
Don Byers, Greensboro

Doctor: You will have little tater-tots in 8 months
Doctor: I recommend some plastic surgery
Doctor: I can give you each smaller noses - 50% off.
Doctor: "A Change would do you both some good."
Doctor: "Have you ever seen the movie 'Face/Off...'
Doctor: "Bo" is claiming Paternity against Mr Potato Head" (From Toy Story)
Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough

"You both really need to get off that couch more"! If you don't your body is going to bake, fry and be sliced to death.......
Jerry Amos, Oak Ridge

"Sir, I'm afraid the prognosis is grim. However, I understand McDonalds has a wonderful organ donor program."
Chris Wallace, Asheboro

" One tater, two taters,... seven taters, MORE ! "
" Please, don't mash the Tater Tot ! "
" Test positive, she's DONE ! "
" She's shaked and baked ! "
" You've got Tater Tots ! ! ! "
" However you slice or dice it, You're with Tots ! "
" It comes from always being a Side ! "
" I'm putting you on a No Salt diet ! "
" Too much salt ! "
" Nurse ! Hold the salt and butter ! "
" Sour cream ! "
" Symptoms say Sour Cream ! "
" You're good to go from head to toe ! "
Frank C Leonard, Lexington
You had the right idea with the first one, it just needed more context - like having kids (see below)

Now tell me, Mr and Mrs Spud... are you planning for 1 potato - 2 potatoes - 3 potatoes or 4??? "
"Did you say you have EYES appearing everywhere???"
Pat Vaughn, Madison

Your test results are good. You can have all the little spuds you want.
Tom Naylor, Summerfield

"You don't need me...this spud's for you!
"Swapping noses is easy, an in and out procedure.
Darrell Kimrey

"No, not "potatotrist". I'm a podiatrist."
Glenda Layton, Carthage

"Congratulations! Mr. and Mrs. Potatohead, you'll soon be the proud parents of a little spud."
"Mrs. Potatohead, your husband has a slight case of blight, but I think we've caught it in time."
Ken Layton, Carthage
I liked the potatoe blight reference.

I'm sure he didn't intentionally throw away the parts to your offspring.
I don't understand your fear of losing your figure when pregnant.
If you're craving donuts there's a joke contest in Indiana.
It might help if once in a while you call her "sweet potato."
Joan Lux, Greensboro

WELL, WELL, LOOKS LIKE LITTLE SPUDS GOING TO HAVE
A NEW BABY BROTHER OR SISTER
PAM HART, SILER CITY

“Just remember that your children will all be small potatoes”
Leita Duggan, Greensboro
Nice!

" No ! You can't pay with cabbage ! "
" I was raised in Idaho too ! "
" She's Hot ! ... No, no, no, her temperature ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

"After the accident, your son will always be a vegetable."
Randy Miller,Greensboro

15.Get those goofy grins off your faces.
16. I can see that she's your sweet potato!
17. I see you got him to quit smoking!
18. Have you gotten that Darth Tater outfit yet?
Nancy Nelson

"I'm sorry, Mrs. Potatohead, only Barbie is allowed to have that kind of surgery."
Amy LaJeunesse, Greensboro

*"Mr and Mrs Russet, your baby will definitely not be sweet."
Steven Lawrence, Greensboro

“No children, I’m afraid. Mr. P has a very low starch count.”
Elden LeGaux, Greensboro

"Well, I think this problem has been stewing for some time."
"If his mustache tickles you, just turn it upside down."
"As he gets older, he's going to get more wandering, roving eyes."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

1.)Mrs. Potatohead,I'm afraid your spud is no stud.
2.)I'm sorry but you both have the Blight.
3.)His illness is terminal but on the bright side with a little butter and sourcream he'll be delicious.
4)Good news, you're going to have seed potatoes.
5.)You grow those sprout things because you live in a damp dark cellar.
6.)You both need to cut back on the carbs.
7.)I'm afraid you've picked something up in your travels to Ireland.
8.)Your sex change operations should only take a couple of minutes.
9.)It's just a sunburn but he may peel.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
Good stuff.

the paternity test shows that you are NOT the father!
Wanda Shelton, Stokesdale

"I'm sorry, I can see no DNA connection between you and Spud Webb." "I'm sorry, no body, no baby"
"Actually, plastic surgery would be quite simple."
"Actually, plastic surgery would be child's play."
"Now, let me see you get down from those chairs."
"Mrs. Potatohead, when did you first begin to dream about french fries?"
"Have you ever considered adopting?"
"I don't think there is anything wrong with exchanging noses from time-to-time."
"Mr. Potatohead, it is best that you not take off your ears when your wife gives you advice."
"I think it is wise to leave your plastic parts for transplants."
"You're living will can indicate your desire to be turned into mashed potatoes."
"In your cases, eye surgery is very simple."
"It really is OK if you order a baked potato with your meal/"
"I can see your dilemma when menus offer baked potatoes."
"The trend is toward longer, more slender potatoes, but you both really look fine for your age."
"Eyes in the back of your head? I can see that being an option for either of you."
"Spreading the eyes, a smaller nose and mouth, a complete makeover."
"Obama is running for president, but somehow I don't see that as an option for the two of you."
Rob Black, High Point

potato,two potato,three potato,four-you're having twins.
Ron Harris, Reidsville

"You say she screams out Furby in bed?"
"You caught him trying on your lips?"
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro
Really liked the lips one

"Time to change those lips to a smile....You're expecting tater tots."
"I have good news: It's not a tumor and the X-rays found your missing arm."
Brent Wooten, Thomasville

"Mrs. potato head you really need to stop watching food network!"
Nicole Bracey, Summerfield

19. I see the contacts are working out for you.
20. Where's the glasses I prescribed for you?!
21. For 56 years old you're looking great.
22.I see, all your body parts are still attached!
23. I like your style!
24. Congratulations you're expecting a new tater!
Nancy Nelson

"The results came back positive! You're pregnant with twin tator tots!"
Hannah Holland, Summerfield

"Your spud count is fine Mr. Russet. But I'll need to check your wife's eyes"
Dean Winebarger, Greensboro

"Congratulations! You're having a tater tot!"
Steve Chrismon, Brown Summit

1.)I'm afraid your son is what we like to call a "sweet potato".
2.)Wrap yourself in foil at 350 degrees and come back at noon.
3.)I'm afraid you have no internal organs.
4.)Menopause is the reasons she's such a hot potato.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

We have two options Mrs. P. We can continue to treat it, or we can just pull it off and put on a new one.
It's just a small burn...try rubbing a little butter on it. On second thought!
I'm sure Emeril would be glad to give you second opinion.
It's kind of hard to tell what your kids will look like Mrs. P.
You've had about all the plastic surgery you can stand Mrs. P.
His fever is a little high...let me know if it gets to 350.
David Robinette, Rockingham County

My diagnosis comes with a side salad and a Biggie diet coke.
Tim Tribbett Greensboro

1. My advise to you, Mr Dumpty, is to avoid sitting on any walls.
2. I was shocked to hear about the accident your father, Humpty, had. What's this business about the King's horses ?
3. I can understand your disappointment but as scientists we cannot always predict what our experiments will produce..
4. Yes, we do cosmetic surgery. Why do you ask?
Dave Sheets, Greensboro

The good news is that you're left-handed.
Iris Sheets, Greensboro

"Good news! Your new baby's not jaundiced! She's just a yam!"
"I don't think plastic surgery is indicated. Simply fill this prescription for new noses to stick on."
"Apparently you've not been embracing the low-carb diet I gave you last visit."
Kevin Little

"I'm referring you to a specialist in Idaho."
"I'm sorry, your son was mashed in the accident."
"There's just too much starch in your diet."
"I'm sorry Mrs. but that part isn't interchangeable."
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

"The good news is the fertilizer worked. The bad news is..........you're having tater tots."
Rosemary Keever, High Point

1)"The results of your fertility tests give new meaning to the term 'loaded baked potato'."
2)"I'm afraid a divorce is the only way to cut your carbs in half."
Rupert Burton, Greensboro

"Congratulations! You're going to have a Tater Tot."
"Congratulations! You're going to have a french fry."
"The bad news is that your arm needs replacing. The good news is that my daughter owns Operation."
"Yes, I can repair your arm. Do you want me to use an eye or an ear?"
Marsha Elam, Greensboro

Congratulations! This spuds for you.
Cindy Bradshaw, Reidsville

I'm sorry, Mrs. Potatohead, but your husband is "poorly equipped".
J. C. Winkler, Asheboro
Ouch!

* "There is nothing wrong with occasionally switching body parts!"
* "Yes, new parts might spark things up!"
* "Those new eyes are a sign of aging"
* "They don't make those parts!"
* " Why do you want to dump him for a turnip?"
* " Sir, how long have you had this fascination with Miss Sweet Potato?"
* " I am afraid he has the Irish Potato virus!"
* "Madam, why do you want another set of eyes in back?"
* "Sorry to hear your close friends were recently mashed"
* "That must have been quite a shock hearing that the kids were fried"
* "They issue is what's in store next. The choices are mashed, fried, coup or a new one, vodka"
* "Genetically, you are Maine and your wife is Idaho"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

"It'll be messy. Probably a lot of ketchup."
"If you'd like, you can take her hand when you go in."
"I'm sorry but your model doesn't have removable tonsils."
"Here's some fertility drugs in case you want to supersize it."
"After surgery, you'll probably need a couple of pints of Heinz."
"I just don't like tampering with what Hasbro has given you."
"After I make the incision, we'll irrigate it with butter and sour cream."
"Don't worry,? I can't have anything once surgery starts."
"Now during the procedure, there's a small risk that I will become quite silly."
"Now there is a small chance that your nose may end up on top of your head."
"After surgery, you'll need to stay in your foil for at least an hour and a half."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

1.)One potato,two potato.........
2.)Diabetes is the reason he's such a sweet potato
3.)Mr. Rickard will soon be getting a call from the lawyers for Milton Bradley.
4.)I didn't even think a potato could get the clap.
5)This sounds half baked but plastic surgery could make her a very apeeling" hot potato".
6.)The Food Network wants to film his surgery.
7.)My fork test indicates he's only half baked.
8.)Take two sour creams and call me in the morning.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

"My first recommendation is to stay out of restaurants with microwaves."
"I couldn't save your father. He never should have wandered into that burger joint."
"Let's look on the bright side. An eye in your arm socket would give you great peripheral vision."
Marsha Elam, Greensboro

What seems to be the problem Potato family? She says po-tay-to and I say po-ta-to! What do we do?
Caroline Owen, Summerfield

1.)I really need to stop self medicating
2.)They didn't cover this in med school
3.)You do know you're potatos,right?
4.)Menopause is the reason your wife is such a "hot potato"
5.)This is one weird Halloween party.
6)I think you're looking for a doctor of vegetarian medicine.
(I love this cartoon--best one ever!!!)
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
Thanks. Good entries, BTW

1.)Good news,your son will be a vegetable for the rest of his life.
2.)Your three way with Paris Hilton has given you the dreaded potato skank disease.
3.)What a long strange trip its been.
(ok,I'm tapped out for the week now)
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"Our tests conclude your child will be a born agitator."
Steve Kindschi, Asheboro

1. "You folks from Idaho?"
2. "Hello, I'm Dr. Luvtahmoovurpartz."
3. "You will be glad to know, all your lumps were benign."
4. "So glad to see things are back in place for you two."
3. "I'm afraid you will need to see a plastic surgeon."
4. "So glad to see things are all back in place for you."
5. "I'm sorry to tell you this, but you are both completely hollow."
6. "We were unable to find any blood in you for physical analysis."
7. "You will be glad to know all your lumps were benign."
Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro

"The man whom you donated your arm to would like to meet you."
"Since you lost your arm, your spud pressure has increased."
"So, which of you is the real Mr. Potato Head?"
"Definitely too much carb in your diets."
"I will need to check your I.D., too much identity theft."
Ian Knight, Greensboro
I liked the first one – made the short list

I don't know how this happened, but you're having a tater tot.
Nancy Stevens, Jamestown

"Well, the first thing we have to do is get rid of the couch."
Reta Beck, Greensboro

I hope you don't mind. may This sound a bit "DIrty".
Shirley Mowery, High Point

"If you two don't quit switching parts, I'm going to have to charge you double."
"If I give you another right arm, will you both quit bothering me?"
"Mrs. P, when Mr. P said he would give his right arm if you would marry him,
I really don't think that's what he had in mine."
Frank Beamon, Greensboro

1."These days we just add water and BOOM instant potato no waiting nine months."
2. "So you want to create a small fry?"
3. "He just found out Mr. Potato Head is not his father, and He's not an Idaho Spud. He was found in the damaged produce buggy at a grocery store."
Paula Hairston, Greensboro

1. “I’m afraid your son was born without a face.”
2. “Dr. Atkins! Would you step in here please.”
3. “Your father was a spud donor. I’m sure he’s been skinned, sliced or diced by now.”
4. “Your father’s in a happier place now - or at least in a Happy Meal.”
5. “Plastic surgery isn’t necessary, just pull off your nose and snap on another one.”
Tom Norman, Greensboro
Good ones. The Happy meal one was the last entry eliminated from runner-up.

1) I'm sorry but the DNA test proves the order of fries was your son.
2) Dan Quayle was nearly 20 years ago. Let it go.
3) Mr. and Mrs. Potatohead, if that is your real name.
4) For an extra .59 cents I can supersize that.
5) I'm putting both of you on a low carb diet.
6) You have Phytopthora Infestans.
7) I'm sorry there's been a mix up. This time was supposed to be for Stovetop Stuffing instead.
8) With that attitude no one will ever mistaken you for a sweet potato.
9) This is none of my business but are you guys in the Witness Protection Program ?
10) I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt your peelings.
Deadpan, Winston-Salem

"Your ultrasound shows five little potatoes!"
Debra S. Watson, Eden

"We can treat this with little blue pills, or reconstructive surgery."
Rick Meeha, Graham

If you have a little one in 9 months, call her Hanna.
Jon Barsanti, Jr.
OK. I give up. Who - or what - is "Hanna?"

The good news is that transplants are easy for you two. Underneath the surface, you are an exact match for each other.
Michael J. Pearce, Reidsville

"Well, if you want children, I'll have to order part A1163-R."
"When did you first start having hot potato flashes?"
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

"Hey, wait a minute . . . did you guys swap noses?"
David Hammer, Greensboro

You are pregnant with an M&Ms peanut
M&Ms rejected the both of you because you are too fat to go thru the M&M's printing machine.
The tests are back, you are both baked.
The tests are back. I wouldn't read any continued stories.
We have been unable to locate glasses large enough for your eyes.
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden

And a genetic test can determine if you're Irish . . . or a yam.
Cheer up -- you'll be popular as long as people eat butter, sour cream, bacon, cheese . . . and salt.
For you I recommend the newer, minimally invasive procedure -- "carbosuction."
You're not my first patients needing mood-elevators when visiting Idaho.
After seeing the ultrasound, it's one potato, two potato, three potato, four . . . .
Joan Lux, Greensboro
Good last one Joan, and probably slightly better worded that Pat's winning entry. But Pat's still worked - in my opinion - and beat you to the punch by a few days.

Do they take down the "all you can eat buffet signs" when you enter a restaurant?
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden

"When you have a moment you might want to put on your happy eyes!"
"I've got good news...you might want to grab your happy-eyes..."
"I'm almost positive your ''slow swimmers' are a direct result from all the sour cream..."
"I'm afraid it's your kidneys...they appear to be mashed..."
"It appears to simply be a case of chives."
"We have your test results back and it appears to be nothing more than another eye..."
"We were able to separate them with just a little hot oil."
"It would probably be best if you eliminate trans-fat from your diet..."
"You say Po-Tay-To I say Po-Tot-O..."
"All kids have a tendency to experiment with ketchup at this age..."
"Butter or gravy should both be safe without causing any undue irritation..."
"I'm happy to report that it was nothing more than a dropped curly fry."
"We were able to reattach his arm and he should be completely fine in the morning."
"We were able to remove the hat and the ear but you should really have a talk with him..."
"I'm afraid his brain is fried..."
"The bad news is that the burns are pretty extensive but the good news is the office has never smelled so good!"
"I see you're surprised by the findings..."
"I was as surprised about the results as you apparently are..."
"Completely unrelated question...do you think there will be a Toy Story 3?"
"Billy is going to be fine but I'm afraid the the crinkle cuts are going to be permanent..."
"I guess the best comparison would be to a bag of tater-tots that somebody left in a hot car for too long..."
"Timmy should be fine once we get him out of the tube..." (think potato gun)
"Toys R Us might be better equipped to handle your cosmetic surgery at a much more reasonable cost..."
"I can try, but injection molding is not really my field of expertise..."
"Have you tried a little super glue?"
"Maybe she'd be a little happier with a Crinkle-Cut instead of a Curly one..."
"Well...we can close it up but don't complain to me when you lose all the pieces..."
"She'll be fine...It was nothing more than a little onion soup mix..."
"You're going to be fine...you just got a little over-heated..."
"Let me put it this way...have you heard the saying One Potato, Two Potato, Three Potato, Four?"
"The bad news is that we had to remove almost 95% of his skin. The good news is my chimney has never been cleaner!"
"I'm sorry...I was thinkin' Arby's..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro
What can I say, Bob? Your usual brilliance.

SNAIL MAIL
Diagnosis? You're both half-baked!
Eunice Glatz, Greensboro

"Oops! Another malpractice case for John Edwards."
Norman Welker, Greensboro

"I'm afraid the x-ray revealed a kidney bean!"
Frank Freeman, Greensboro

"You can't get infected off a toilet seat."
Norman Welker, Greensboro

Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com

Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.

WINNER“He started it.”
Marsha Elam, Greensboro

RUNNERS-UP
"So this is why you quit breast feeding."
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

"I sure am glad we put that bib on him."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

Maybe he'll absorb some by osmosis.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

How about calling Mike Rowe with Dirty Jobs.
Christine Keaton, Randleman

"He is going to be a great goalie!"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

'The airplane didn't land and the train went of the track. What other vehicle can we try?"
Jon Barsanti Jr.

"Gesundheit."
Brent Wooten, Thomasville
Also - Tribb, Roanoke, Va

Honey, we can’t feed him any more; his clothes are too full
Jordan W.

BEST “CAPTION FROM WRONG CARTOON” ENTRY
Monkey ask for Jane!!

BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE
1. Look, it's crottled greeps, Brewster's favorite
Marcia Minsky
Mmmmmm. Crottled Greeps.

What are we going to do if your mother does become vice-president ?
Deadpan, Winston-Salem

"Sen. Palin, one last question."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
(Not exactly obscure, but definitely topical.)

"Where's John Belushi when you need him ..." (Food Fight - Animal House)
Jon Barsanti Jr

"I Swear his head turned all the way around."
"Are you sure Linda Blair wasn't the egg donor?"
Jon Barsanti Jr

1.)I realize the cuisine is not up to your usual standards but please be more cooperative little Thadeus Montclair III.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
Even google couldn’t help me out on this one.

BEST INSIDE JOKE
"Open wide.It can't be worse than this cartoon."
James E. Ferrell, McLeansville

"We need some newspaper on the floor so he won't make a mess. Grab the section with the caption in it."
Frank Beamon, Greensboro
Just glad I can provide a useful service

"Either Tim stops sneezing or we stop modeling."
Steve Kindschi, Asheboro

I know you loved the potatoheads but you need to eat!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Little John is soooo picky Mrs. Batchelor
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

We could feed him tater tots!
Nancy Nelson

THE REST
1. Yuk!
2. You need to finish so Mommie can give us a bath!
3. Popeye, eat your spinach so you can grow up big and strong.
4. Kal-El, If you want to be a superhero you need to eat!
5. Gross!
6. If it's good enough for me, if's good enough for you.
7. It's not Kyptonite!
8. If you want a car someday, you'll eat this! 9. Now's not the time for a food fight!
10. Just one bite, I don't want to lose this bet!
11. Daddy will buy you...!
Nancy Nelson

12.Our waitress looks disgusted!
13.Son you're making me look bad!
14. Never again! 15. Happy meal, not!
16. Grow up!
17. Stop being so juvenile!
Nancy Nelson

18. Honey, you were right this is a job!
19. Gerber needs to recall this one!
20. Are we having fun yet?!
21. Would you like something else?!
22. Tell you the truth, I never liked baby food myself!
23. Last chance!
Nancy Nelson

" Open Sesame ! ! ! "
" Son ! Our family name is Manners ! "
" Let's hope he never takes up chewing tobacco ! "
" Knock..Knock... ! "
" Let's make a deal ! "
" Wonder where he gets this spitting & spatting from, Mommy ? "
" Where's our Global Positioning System ? "
" Close those eyes and open wide for big surprise ! "
" We are playing a game of Got You Last ! "
" He wasn't born with a silver spoon in his mouth ! "
" Sure doesn't have mommy's mouth ! "
" Let's play doctor ! Say AHHHH ! "
" This is a real hit or miss proposition ! "
" Going to be just like you dad ! "
" Quick ! Go get my JAWS movie ! "
" Father knows best ! "
" You can sure tell he's home spoon-fed ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

24. Some day you'll thank me for this!
25. So you don't like mommy's cooking!
26. Honey, we have a food critic on own hands.
27. With the cost of food going up you have got to stop being so picky!
28. It won't give you gas!
Nancy Nelson

" Can you hear those lyrics of Cat's In The Cradle ? "
" My ears are ringing Cat's In The Cradle ! "
" And the cat's in the cradle, and the silver spoon,Little Boy Blue, and the Man in the moon... "
" Who said a spoonful of sugar will help the medicine go down ? "
" I'm going be like you Dad, you know I'm going to be like you. "
" Let's hum Cat's In The Cradle ! "
" Hullabaloo, son ! "
" Jr. ! ! ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

"He likes it. He just doesn't like to eat it."
Ken Layton, Carthage

"Okay Junior, one last chance - - then we bring out the 'i.v.' - Junior - - Joounior!! "
Pat Vaughn, Madison

29. Just Say No!
30. Did you see that throw, we've got us a quarterback?!
Nancy Nelson

Everyones a food critic.
We are raising a Van Gogh.
Baseballs next hall of famer is.....
Do we have a food rain coat?
I told you his food lacked flavor...
How do his diapers get so full when the food is on and not in him?
Is this one of those "Precious Moments".
Gerber must not have taste testers....
This is explains the food bills....
The pediatrician said to encourage his genius?
His communications skills definitely arent lacking....
I guess supper really is "on me".
How many kids did you want?
I do not shirk my responsibilities...your feeding him supper.
Your right....spinach is a no no.
When does he start solids?
and you bought him fingerpaints?
I am not the only one making cracks about your cooking...
So this is how he gets out of left overs....
Did you just say your pregnant?
Christine Keaton, Randleman

Monkey ask for Jane!!
No name given

We found something that Mikie won't try.
Lets forget the prunes and try X-lax.
Don Rankin, Greensboro

1.)Oh well,less going in means less coming out.
2.)Maybe I should try a funnel.
3.)Hey honey,got milk?
4.)You wouln't think the little booger eater would be this picky.
5.)I put a sedative in this spoonful
6.)Maybe I shouln't have blended the liver and beets together (yuk).
Tim Tribbett

I think the first three kids may have hit it out of the park.
Eat this, it's our last pathetic attempt at feeding you
Honey, we can't feed him any more; his clothes are too full
Okay honey, it's your turn to get hit with peas.
Ready...Aim...Fire!
Jordan W.

Remind me why we don't breast feed again.
Jake R.

Okay...get the funnel.
Eddie K.

Did a tornado come through here?
Victoria R

Eat this little Bobby, it's to early to rebel.
Sydney E.

I don't think he wants it.
Damon H.

How do they expect me to eat this?
Nia B

Instead of you eating up you up-chucked
Xavier B

Uh, here comes the train
Caesar L.

26. We have a food critic on our hands!
31.Jess you have made a big mess! 32. Food fight, food fight!!
33. He's not happy it didn't come with a toy!
34. Enough already!
Nancy Nelson

Gives new meaning to eat it or wear it.
Diane Johnson, Siler City

"He started it."
"Go on.spit at me again."
"Food fight!"
"You spit, I spit."
Marsha Elam, Greensboro

"Gesundheit."
" All we had in the fridge was some leftover chili."
"See. I'm not the only one who doesn't like your cooking."
"I think he might be full."
Brent Wooten, Thomasville

You said we'd hear the pitter-patter of little feet -- all I hear is the splatter of strained beets.
He's learned a new rhyme -- "Splatter here, splatter there, splatter, splatter everywhere."
Let's switch him to stain-free foods -- grits, rice, potatoes, vanilla pudding . . . .
Joan Lux Greensboro

"It really is tough here at ground zero!"
"Really, it was just a little burp!"
"Maybe you're right, he's just not ready to feed himself!"
"Now I understand why the bath comes after the feeding!"
"I don't think he likes it."
"It looks so easy on the commercial!"
"He wants a contract like the E-Trade baby!"
"Parenting is not for cowards!"
Mom thinking, "What does this mean for the teenage years?"
"I've tried the airplane thing, but it didn't work."
"Look on the bright side, there is no food on the floor."
"He really perfers peas to chocolate pudding!"
Rob Black, High Point
Some good ones in here. Liked the Ground zero reference, but ... not for this time of year ...

OK! We've played a game of catch with your peas! Now PLEASE...... SAY Ahhh!!!
By:Logan Norman, Age:11, Greensboro

1.)I expected the food spitting but the cursing caught me by surprise.
2.)I expected the food spitting but calling me a _ _ _hole caught me by surprise.
Tim Tribbett Greensboro

This reminds me of the old joke about how Jackson Pollock got his start.
How long before the ad agency calls about that laundry detergent commercial?
We're practicing for the laundry detergent ad.
Joan Lux Greensboro

"I tried the airplane...it crashed."
"So this is why you quit breast feeding."
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

"I've been thinking, maybe we can afford a nanny."
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

"Call up that show, Dirty jobs!"
"Next time, remind me to wear my hazmat suit"
"He gets his etiquette from your side of the family."
"I think he's just mocking me now!"
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

The Choo Choo just blew up.....
How about calling Mike Rowe with Dirty Jobs.
Dr. Spock is and idiot.....
Christine Keaton, Randleman

That fortune teller was right -- he'll be great at paintball.
Those TV home makeover shows could use some of these color combinations.
Joan Lux Greensboro

" Show Mommy, Like Father, like Son ! "
" It's a commandment son , Honor your father & mother so your days will be long ! "
" You see what happens when you let him watch too much Family Feud on TV ! "
" Com'on Son, Gotta, Hava, Needa, Wanta, Getta a little Spoonful ! "
" I know Mommy, WE ARE FAMILY ! "
" Son, you can't win. Mommy are I are a tag team ! "
" Your choice Son, spoon bottom up and your bottom up !
"Bottoms up ! One way or the other ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

" Gitcha, Gitcha, GOO... ! ! ! "
" Shirt was going to cleaners anyway ! "
" Son, mommy does'nt like doing extra laundry ! "
" STOP ! In the name of LOVE ! "
" FOOD FIGHT ! ! ! "
" Why is he cute and I'm a pig ? "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

" It's Gitcha, Gitcha, Goo time alright ! ! ! "
" Mommy calls this our Gitcha, Gitcha, Goo ... time, Son ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

Quick, think of something that opens wide AND swallows!
Joan Lux, Greensboro

1.)Here comes the choo choo you little #&*&#*&!
2.)We need to start feeding him in the tub.
3.)I know you loved the potatoheads but you need to eat!
4.)Maybe he'll absorb some by osmosis.
5.)Starving children in India would love to have this curry chicken.
6.)We shouldn't have shown him that Belushi scene from Animal House!
7.)This caviar cost me $300 an ounce you little ingrate.
8.)I got one in when he yawned.
9.)I have no idea what little Hannibal wants for dinner!!
10.)If you eat this daddy won't shoot Big Bird.
11.)This is much better than a brain sandwich. (yeah ,I looked).
12.)The dog loves this kid.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

1) He doesn't like your cooking either!
2) What happened to the way you first fed him?
3) Get the tub ready--for both of us!
4) Doesn't he know I've already eaten?
Bill Beerman, Greensboro

So this is what people mean by "spittin' image."
I DID try reasoning with him.
I don't think he's a vegan.
He thinks this food isn't organic.
Joan Lux Greensboro

How would you like it cooked? Fried or broiled?
"Either Tim stops sneezing or we stop modeling."
"Even he knows this political pudding is bitter."
Steve Kindschi, Asheboro

Little John is soooo picky Mrs. Batchelor.
2.)How can such a picky baby be such a poop factory?
3.)I thought it was cute the first time he did it.
4.)You've got to eat it,you're the Gerber Baby.
5.)Take# 56,Gerber baby food commercial.
6.)Watch out!You're within the splatter zone.
7.)Wow,he's like a little food volcano.
8.)This reminds me,how are we fixed for Spray and Wash?
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

1.)It's hard enough to feed him without this waist deep fog.
2.)Please kid,she's judging my parenting skills.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
Fog. hee hee.

What are we going to do if your mother does become vice-president ?
Deadpan, Winston-Salem
I liked this. Others judges didn’t pick it, though.
Deadpan, Winston-Salem

35. No applesauce for you tonight.
36. Look it's all gone!
37. I guess you're not a veggan!
38. Son, how was your day!
39. Not hungary!
40. It's Icky!
Nancy Nelson

"Where's John Belushi when you need him ..." (Food Fight - Animal House)
"Somehow I found this picture of me amusing when I was the kid."
"He doesn't like the Orange or the Yellow ... How about some applesauce."
I wondered why they made 15' foot drop clothes for kids
"Now you know why I said no carpet in the kitchen."
It's a good thing it's bath night.
'The airplane didn't land and the train went of the track. What other vehicle can we try?"
"He may be ready for solid food - I am not!"
There is more food in my hair than in his stomach
"Momma told me there would be days like this."
"I have worn him down - your turn."
Jon Barsanti Jr

"I Swear his head turned all the way around."
"Are you sure Linda Blair wasn't the egg donor?"
Jon Barsanti Jr

" When did you teach him to give me the silent treatment ? "
" Reminds me of our wedding when we caked each other's face ! "
" Call 911 and ask for Jaws of Life ! "
" Son, I'm only a dentist at work ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

41. I'm going to have to leave a big tip!
42. Honey,help! 43. The stork delivered us the wrong baby!
44. The stork needs to recall this one!
45. Maybe we could leave him on a stranded island!(Just kidding)
46. I need a Bud Lite!
47. Santa's watching!
48. Stop monkeying around!
49. This isn't funny!
50. Maybe the Wizard of Oz could help!
51. We could feed him tater tots!
Nancy Nelson

"See, honey, this is how a diet works. Keep your mouth closed."
"Isn't she a little young to be dieting?"
"She watches every little thing that goes OUT of her mouth!"
"How come when I play airplane, the trip is hijacked?"
"How come when I play choo-choo, she plays spew-spew?"
"OK, so you're still mad at Dada for the diaper-pin incident?"
"This is the Chicken Pox diet. I'm gonna write a book and make millions."
"Why don't you send a little of this out into right field?"
"Is that little devil over your right shoulder telling you to misbehave again?"
"Even when Mom's shopping, I feel like she's watching every little thing we're doing."
"Not much is going in, but I bet a lot will still come out later!"
"It's amazing how much comes out of a baby with so little going in!"
"It's the law of undiminishing returns... So little goes in, so much comes out!"
Kris Voy, Trinity
Liked the “comes-out-goes-in” theme.

Oh My Gosh! Jimmy just said his first words...Food Fight!!
Pam Hart, Siler City
Good one.

"Maybe he wants a dozen donuts from Kempf's Donut Bank...'
Jon Barsanti Jr. Hillsborough

He's mad because they won't lower the drinking age.
Larry Tyrell, Stokesdale

1. Are you sure the doctor said "broccoli"?
2. I thought being grandparents was supposed to be fun.
3. Do you think I'm putting too much on the spoon?
4. So much for that "if at first you don't succeed--" foolishness.
5. This proves it--- he's not a chocolaholic.
Dave Sheets, Greensboro

"My airplane is being shot down!"
"He is going to be a great goalie!"
"The chocolate covered tofu is working!"
"Let's hose him down and start over!"
"I am putting you up for a Metal of Honor!"
"We think it tastes like crap. Apparently he agrees!"
"Next time I wear a wet suit!"
"Let's switch to a cheese burger!"
"I am losing a food fight to a 2-year old!"
"I don't get it. He eats dog food but won't touch your meatloaf!"
"What's in this stuff? We are both breaking out in rashes!"
"He knows its health food!"
"I believe we are bonding!"
"Did you still want to expand the family?"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

"We need some newspaper on the floor so he won't make a mess. Grab the section with the caption in it."
Frank Beamon, Greensboro

It looks like tonight is going to be bath night for both of us ...
Remind me why we started him on soft food ...
They don't make a vacuum tough enough for him ...
Maybe we should try outdoor dining with him ...
"Next Victim."
Jon Barsanti Jr

53. If you don't eat you''ll turn into stickman!
54. Who's you daddy, Brewster Rockitt?!
55. Would you rather have some zebra nuggets?!
56. Are you an alien?
Nancy Nelson

"Honey, for gosh sakes turn off that Gallagher video."
"Son, you got the apple in my eye."
"I sure am glad we put that bib on him."
"Sen. Palin, one last question."
"Honey, you better play "Cats in the Cradle again."
"I think both of us are starting to bond."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

Gazunetite!
Tribb, Roanoke, Va

1. “Watch this - he has the reflexes of a ninja.”
2. “I‘m wearing him down. He was launching this stuff over the Living Room sofa a few minutes ago.”
3. “Isn’t there a minimum age requirement before you’re allowed to have an attitude?”
Tom Norman, Greensboro

"Governor Palin, just one more question."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
I liked the Palin references, but others didn’t

1.)I realize the cuisine is not up to your usual standards but please be more cooperative little Thadeus Montclair III.
2.)Eat this crap or you'll hurt your mother's feelings .
3.)Please eat it kid,I bought this in bulk at Costco.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro (this week was hard!)
Others would agree.

" One day you'll thank me for this."
" See, peas aren't so bad after all. "
" How come you don't eat like this for mom ?"
" I knew I should have taken that promotion."
" Rocket scientists don't eat like that."
" It's OK son, this is how they eat on the space shuttle."
" Show the new neighbor what a good eater you are."
Lee Richmond, Jamestown

1. Look, it's crottled greeps, Brewster's favorite
2. But you liked it two minutes ago!
Marcia Minsky

" You're right again dear, I'm not as good as you!
"Baby 10" "Dad 0"
Misty Johnson, Greensboro

"With all of this oatmeal, yeah I'd say we're bonding."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

"I sure hope that my inner ear infection is over soon, or Bobby is going to starve!!"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro
I liked this one, but none of our other judges flagged it.

53. If you don't eat you''ll turn into stickman!
54. Who's you daddy, Brewster Rockitt?!
55. Would you rather have some zebra nuggets?!
56. Are you an alien?
Nancy Nelson

57. Yum, yum, yummy!
58. Yummy!
Nancy Nelson

"Aw, open up, it's really good."
"You're suppose to eat your food, not wear it."
"Try it, you'll like it."
"I know there's an art to this."
Margie Ellington, Reidsville

Maybe he would open his mouth if this food was shaped like car keys.
Deadpan
I liked this one

"Why don't you try it with the muzzle off dear?"
Gray Amick, Greensboro

"Better cancel our Olan Mills appointment this afternoon Wilma."
Gray Amick, Greensboro

"Open wide.It can't be worse than this cartoon."
Decorated Food Feeder
"Boy! I'm glad it not diaper changing time."
" Want some more."
" I give up." (on this cartoon)
James E. Ferrell, McLeansville
Hmmm… didn’t care for this one, did ya?

Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com

Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.

Maybe Nancy Nelson summed it up best with this caption entry: “Tim, this stinks.” This week’s really had you guys struggling. Even with the extra time and about double the normal amount of entries didn’t help. A lot of “two heads are better that one” captions, as well as “no intelligent life” references. So I did what I always do in these situations - I go for the juvenile humor. But a lot of good inside jokes and obscure cultural references, though. See below.

WINNER
We must never pull his finger again!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

RINNERS-UP
Now let’s make him a diverse partner and leave them in an orchard.
Frank Freeman, Greensboro

Think we should include him in our spay- and-neuter program?
Bill Wallace, High Point

“I hate these Out-of Network patients.”
Tom Norman, Greensboro

Bet he won't make travel arrangements on-line again.
Joan Lux Greensboro

"You think that might NOT be a USB port?"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

Just so you know, we didn't enjoy that either.
TRIBB, Roanoke, Va.

Yea, it's nothing much to look at, but the little built-in handle is kinda cool!
Barbara Zeller, Climax

BEST INSIDE JOKE
We will release you human but we will return in two weeks in a very similar cartoon by Dave Coverly.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

We would probe that Rickard guy again but he likes it way too much!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
(who told?)

Glad we have another week to figure out what to do with him.
Joan Lux Greensboro

Should we call Mike Rowe with Dirty Jobs?? (Sorry, Christine couldn't resist)
Nancy Nelson

"Don't worry...he can just tell them he's on vacation this week."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

"It's no use. He simply will not tell us the winning caption."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

" PLEASEEEEE tell us that you brought the new Tim Rickards Brewster Rockit Book....we've been waiting an aeon!!!"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

We have no idea why we do this, but it beats working in the Brewster Rocket strips.
TRIBB, Raonoke, Va.

"He keeps mentioning a 'Dr. Mel'.
Stephen Botts, Greensboro
(Shameless Brewster plugs, welcome)

We can't probe you this week.We are on vacation!!!!!!
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

"He is upset. He can't write his JOY blog"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

"I hope ALL the humans aren't like this one they call Rickard..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE
He’s dead Jim.
Damon H

Let's brainwash Mr. Cruise and set him free.
Deadpan, Winston-Salem

"Marvin said that humans had long ears and cotton-tails..."
Jon Barsanti Jr

And now, from my favorite book: “To Serve Man”.
J. C. Winkler, Greensboro

How to serve man?Gross! I'm thinking Arbys.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
(I hear some of the recipes in there are delicious)

1.)Would the man and two robots in the front row please stop the wise cracks
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
Sadly, they did.

What's my motivation for this scene Mr.Wood?
I thought you said Ed Wood was a very respected director!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
(He is! Just check out “Plan 9 from Outer Space”)

1.)Hurry up and probe him, I have tickets to the Foo Fighters
Mr. Tribbett adds: (foo fighters were the first ufos seen during WWII by fighter pilots.They were glowing balls that would play tag with their airplanes ,hundreds of pilots saw them,Saw it on history channel and googled it)
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"Where's the kaboom? There was supposed to be an Earth shattering kaboom?"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

Our mission is called Plan 10.
Our cousin Marvin suggested this place.
We are from France.
Mars needs women,but no fat chicks please.
We must cure Agent Mulder of his sex addiction
Maybe the Earth stood still but his bowels sure didn't
(And now for some “Rocky Horror picture show references …)
Lets do the time warp again!
Make note,never let Dr Frankenfurter do the probing again!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

I actually like Slim Whitman's yodeling but it gives me horrible headaches.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
(Think “Mars Attacks”)
Mars needs women.Our laundry is really piling up
(So that was what the movie was about)
You must bring us a shrubbery.
(Or we’ll say “Nee” at you again.)
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

He's no Leeloo (5th Element)
He's No Milla Jovovich (5th element)
Jon Barsanti Jr

Do you remember the recipe for soylent green?
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
(The recipe is in the book “To Serve Man”)

THE REST
1. Two heads are always better than one!
2. Why did he ask if we were one- eyed people eaters?
3. Make up your mind which half of his brain do you want!
4. His mother's egg must have mutated!
5. How far do you think he can see with those scrawny eyes.
6. Do you think he hears with those two things that are attached to the side of his head!
7. Why did he say he was seeing double?
8. He said we had a split personality!
Nancy Nelson, Greensboro

See--there's definitely no sign of intelligent life here!
Charlie Finch, Greensboro

THIS is their leader???
Charlie Finch, Greensboro

We can figure this out...after all, two heads are better than one.
Look at those beady eyes!
Darrell Kimrey, Greensboro

"Such a puny-looking specimin. Two eyes, one head--It's obviously of a lower evolutionary level."
Ken Layton, Carthage

We can figure this out...after all, two heads are better than one.
Look at those beady eyes!

"Of all the creatures in the universe, I think this is the scariest."
Ken Layton, Carthage

"Is he seeing double, or are we?"
Sandra B. Smith, Browns Summit

" This test should prove two heads are better than one ! "
" Heads will roll if we don't do this right ! "
" Wouldn't have to do this left or right brain test if he was like us ! "
" Wonder if he sleeps with one eye open ? "
" His eyes look like a couple of flying saucers ! "
" Keep an eye on him while I get some shut-eye ! "

"Evolution must be down sizing , two eyes , one head ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

He does not have a split personality.
James Durham-Greensboro.

"Lowes has a sale on log splitters"??
Jonathan Sparrow, Greensboro

" Maybe we should think twice about this ! "
" Are we having second thoughts about this ? "
" On second thought ??? "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

Let's put lipstick on him.
Jerry Kyle

" Obviously, he doesn't think like us ! "
" Seems like left & right brain in same head would conflict ! "
" Remarkable ! Siamese brains, left & right in one head ! "
" We're HEADS and shoulders above this species ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington,

"...it's lasted more than 4 hours. Should we call a physician?"
Walt Moyer, Graham
I liked this one.

"Thinks he knows everything."
Alex Potter, Greensboro

"One for the money. The second one's for show."
Alex Potter, Greensboro

"Do you think it will work?"
"Do you think it's going to work?"
"I don't think this is going to work."
Marsha Elam, Greensboro

I guess 2 heads are better than 1.
Robert Atwood, Greensboro

We should throw him back until he gets bigger.
Empty.
Empty...just like the others.
Chuck Buckley

Now what was that episode on the Food Network about?
Sydney E.
This idea was a contender. Needed different wording though …

Man is he ugly.
I don't see anything in there.
Now which planet did we get him from.
Chloe E.

He's dead Jim.
Do you think his brain fell out when we caught him
Damon H

I thought you said we were having brain.
Did you leave the tractor beam on again?
Caesar L

Why did we turn Mom into a human?
James M

When we suck out his should it go in my head or yours.
Nia B

"Hmm.where do we put the other one?"
"Where do you want to put the other one?"
Marsha Elam, Greensboro

"Where do you want to put the other end?"
"You put the male lead on him, didn't you?
"Are you sure you put the male lead on him?"
Marsha Elam, Greensboro

Well, Thats where the instructions said to put it.
Maybe the table is cold?
Well, so much for Mexican food experiment.
Sorry, He always makes the "Probe" joke.
Just so you know, we didn'y enjoy that either.
I hope you didn't need both of those.
Sorry about the Orangutan experiment. We thought primates were primates.
I'm not sure you will still like us when certain memories resurface years from now.
Uh, remember when we told you that this would be "virtually" painless?
Just for the record, that wasn't supposed to happen.
Funny thing is, we didn't even know the tip unscrewed before now.
This would be easier on everyone involved if you tried not to clench.
We have no idea why we do this, but it beats working in the Brewster Rocket strips.
TRIBB, Raonoke, Va. ( I promise I'm done for now)

1.)What a strange place for the second head.
2.)Make note,extreme pupil dilation when probe inserted into rear portal.
3.)So many openings to probe, so little time
4.)Brain scan indicates that he who smelt it dealt it.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

His name is Abbie Normal. (Like leftovers-if you liked it then . . .)
J. C. Winkle

He said his name is Spock.
J. C. Winkler

And now, from my favorite book: "To Serve Man".
J. C. Winkler, Greensboro

1.)We found a small polyp so we recommend you get reprobed in a year.
2.)Maybe we should start warming the exam tables.
3.)His brain scan indicates he is trying to contemplate why anyone would put lipstick on a pig.
4).We really need to start giving enemas before we probe!
5.)His brain scan indicates he is scared yet slightly turned on.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

1.)If we disassemble him maybe he will fit in the luggage compartment.
2.)Maybe the Earth stood still but his bowels sure didn't.
3.)How to serve man?Gross!
I'm thinking Arbys. (the doofus from Roanoke is my brother)
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

" Earthlings will never evolve ahead of us ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

"There's only one place left to probe."
"Can we dissect this one?"
Brent Wooten, Thomasville

1.)Why does he keep trying to cough on us?
2.)Why did he giggle when we stated that we are here to probe Uranus for Klingons?
3.)Remind me to abduct some deoderant next time.
4.)The noxious gas they emit when startled must be a defense mechanism.
5.)We come in peace ,other than this little abduction thingy.
6.)We are here to learn of this thing you call an eyepod.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"Well, there's our proof..........2 heads ARE better than one."
"So, That's what a two-eyed monster looks like."
Rosemary Keever, High Point

" Yes, he is a strange looking creature."
" Let's call him ET."
" Oh no, the operation went terribly wrong."
" I agree, let's send him back."
Lee Richmond, Jamestown

1.)Would the man and two robots in the front row please stop the wise cracks! (MST3000 I miss you).
2.)We don't have a transporter.We just chop you up and shoot you thru a vacuum tube.
3.)If you plug those three front holes it turns a pretty blue color.
4.)Resistance is futile,we will assimilate you, yada yada yada ..
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

1.)We are siamese if you please....
2.)Deja vu dude,it seems like we've probed him before.
3.)Yes human,two heads are better than one.
3.)Yeah,the X files got a little hard for me to follow at the end.
4.)Take us to your leader,the one you call Gilligan.
5.)What's my motivation for this scene Mr.Wood?
6.)Would the guy with the 2 crudely made robots in the front row please shut the heck up!
7.)Yeah,I agree.The Outtakes with the rock collider was a hoot.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"It sure is weird looking, isn't it?"
"If this is their best and brightest, no wonder their planet's in peril."
"Wow...the elusive one-headed creature of earth."
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

1.)Maybe we should use something more advanced than a collander for brain scans.
2.)We will release you human but we will return in two weeks in a very similar cartoon by Dave Coverly.
3.)Geez,these low grade sci-fi movies have the cheesiest sets.
4.)I thought you said Ed Wood was a very respected director!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

This explains those funny looking glasses!
David Robinette, Rockingham County

"Is it done yet?"
"It's no use. He simply will not tell us the winning caption."
"Aww, I wanted mine medium rare."
"I really don't think he knows his credit score."
"Now we know what they are thinking; within a 2 point margin of error."
"I told you it would get soggy under the hot lamp."
"I've got half a mind to stop this test."
"I still say his owner may come for him."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

1.)So, you say we don't have to mind wipe you because you pinky swore not to tell?
2.)We would probe that Rickard guy again but he likes it way too much!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"Egad, two eyes in one head!"
"Two heads are better than one."
"No, there is no reversing this."
"You should be seeing double."
"No, we don't have a smaller size."
"Look, it's one of those aliens from outer space!"
"No, we've never been to any place called Roswell."
"You know that ear design would keep ours from filling up with rain water."
"I told you they were real."
"Look at those beady little eyes."
"Don't make fun of our uniform!"
"No you can't watch Andy Griffith reruns!"
"What is Mars coming to?"
"You cannot date our daughter!"
"How dare you make fun of our uniform!"
"We're fans of the Suns up here, not the Bobcats."
"What is that pointed thing on the front of his face?"
"It seems to be some sort of beak."
"We just wanted to do our own version of the John McCain story."
"John McCain said to outsource his commercials."
"Two separate people with two separate heads running for election?"
"When the procedure is done, you'll look just like us!"
"This reminds you of the Twilight Zone?"
"Coach Davis, we were told to keep you here until after the NC State game."
"Of course we are ambidextrous."
"We're here to gather all the information we can about Star Trek."
"Bigfoot! There can't be!"
Rob Black, High Point

9. Who's he calling an alien?!
10. This alien is deformed!
11. He said he had double vision!
12. He said he was seeing double!
Nancy Nelson

13. Why does he keep mumbling Double Whammy?!
14. Remember you took the Hippocratic Oath!
Nancy Nelson

"Marvin said that humans had long ears and cotton-tails..."
"I thought that two heads were better than one..."
"He has two eyes on the same side of his head, he must have evolved from flounders..."
"We need to find him a shirt with one head hole - this will be tough ..."
Jon Barsanti Jr

Yea, it's nothing much to look at, but the little built-in handle is kinda cool!
Barbara Zeller, Climax

What experiment could we run that Rickard has'nt?
His thoughts are so out in space we don't need to erase his memory.
The dog gave us more information.
We will not harm you.
Christine Keaton, Randleman

1.)We meant to abduct the guy behind you but we have lousy depth perception.
2.)He is disrobed and ready to be probed.
3.)We are the Siamese Cyclops from the center of Saturn.
4.)I apologize in advance for any probing mishaps due to our poor depth perception.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

1.) I told you before,questions first,mind wipe second!
2.)Mars needs women.Our laundry is really piling up
3.)You must bring us a shrubbery.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

1.)We're a one eyed,no horned,nonflying,double headed green guy eater.
2.)We come from Uranus which has turbulent winds and toxic gases
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"the experiment went well but we better keep an EYE on him"
M. Carbo, Summerfield

Bet he won't make travel arrangements on-line again.
Said his original itinerary didn't include a layover in Roswell, New Mexico.
Buy two frozen pies and we can have cute aluminum hats.
So why did the mother ship dump this one on us?
He doesn't look special to these four eyes.
He looks confuzzled.
He's already looking pretty shocked.
Joan Lux, Greensboro

Two heads are better than one, especially if one wears lipstick.
Do we really care if he's a jogger?
I say he's a keeper -- he eats veggies AND jogs!
He's worried about someone named "old Sparky" ?

" Forget you ever saw US ! "
" Let's just forget we ever met ! "
" You will not remember a thing ! "
" We stand by each other always ! "
" Time to clear our heads ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

What a freak, two eyes and only one head.
Don't be jealous he is not my type.
Don Rankin, Greensboro

" That's funny, I forgot how to turn off the brain memory machine ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

" Have You lost Your Mind ! ! ! "
" I think he's lost his mind ! "
" Don't be playing mind games with me ! "
" I really don't like mind games ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

" If you cooperate :~) ... if you don't :~( ... choice is yours ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

" :~) or :~( .... choice is yours ! "
" Forget It "
" Just forget it, MAN ! "
" Yes ! We are two-faced ! You're here for more than a visit ! "
" He wants us to forget our differences ! "
" Visitors are not welcomed ! "
" You forgot to say, May I . "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

" Ha ! He thinks his double vision is from drinking ! "
" Yes ! You are in double trouble ! "
" No double-talk, we'll tell you straight ! "
" Double shots landed you here ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

That muzak really calms them down
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

1) What exactly are we looking for with all this probing ?
2) We've got to stop abducting people from trailer parks.
3) You can keep him but you do all the talking when we go through customs.
4) The minute we get back I'm transferring to the crop circle department !!!
5) Why do we always get probe duty ?
6) He must save a fortune on hats .
7) He was ok until I told him L. Ron Hubbard wasn't lying .
8) Let's brainwash Mr. Cruise and set him free.
9) I think it's going to be harder to assimilate than we originally thought.
10) I love it when their eyes do that when we mention the probe !!!
11) I told you Mr. Shatner was one of us. You owe me $5.
12) We've been traveling for 100 light years, forget your leader, take us to your restroom !!!
13) Ask him how we get a Myspace page.
14) Don't laugh, remember we got him out of the pool.
15) He looks edible.
Deadpan, Winston-Salem

They are just giving us the CEOs of AIG,FreddieMac and Fannie Mae.No need for abduction.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

Wow only one head! Weird
Kim Youngdahl

Boy, two heads really ARE better than one.
I hope I put the cap on the right end.
Linda Woodard

Funny, he looks like an alien to me too.
His one head looks soooooo familiar.
I still think he looks like a scared Brad Pitt.
Joan Lux Greensboro

"I dunno either. The manual clearly states he has two heads."
Barbara Cashman (sorry Tim, couldn't resist) Greensboro
I won’t say which one does the majority of thinking

1.)Hurry up and probe him, I have tickets to the Foo Fighters
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

So, that's what we would look like if we put our heads together.
With only one brain, I wonder how he made it here.
Dwight Hicks, Greensboro

'INTERESTING! ONE head and TWO eyes!
But will it ever catch on?
How could he ever get around?
Ig! Gud eek sab optivisz probo!
Keith Peddie - Greensboro

1. "His brain waves just keep repeating, "I'm thinking Arby's.""
2. "Sad, his IQ only measures 190."
3. "What do you think Jeff?" "I'm not sure Mutt."
4. "He sure is ugly."
5. "Think he would like one of our sulfuric-acid flavored shakes?"
Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro

1. “They always have that deer in headlights look.”
2. “I hate these Out-of Network patients.”
Tom Norman, Greensboro

1) "Dr. McCoy, we hated to call you but we've got a splitting headache."
2) "Dr. McCoy, we hated to beam you up, but we've got a splitting headache."
3) "We thought we called a HUNAN Restaurant for delivery!"
4) "We've only got two more procedures to check off of our practice list... The Frankenstein, and The Kevorkian."
5) "No sir, those would be one-eyed, one horned, flyin' purple people eaters...no relation."
6) "Eat you?? No, only the One-eyed, one horned, flyin' purple people eaters do that."
7) "All we know is that our mother worked for Geico and she says that we have our dad's skin tone."
8) "We'd like to know more about our home town....all we know is that we were born in a place called Area 51."
9) "Our reception isn't very good up here...is Martha Stewart still on?"
10) "OK, how 'bout this one...Lucy, Ricky, Fred & Ethel get stuck in an alpine lodge due to an avalanche... did they get out?"
11) "Whaddya think that thing in the middle with two holes is??
12) "Boy, are these human blow up dolls LifeLike!!!"
13) "Boy, these human blow up dolls really ARE as life like as the ad says!!"
14) "Hummm, they don't usually fly in tech support...our computer problem must be bigger than we thought."
15) "You didn't happen to bring any contact lens solution with you, did you?"
16) "You didn't happen to bring any contact lens solution with you, did you? We're almost out."
17) "We've recently been diagnosed as BiPolar and we would like to have a therapy session."
18) "Our mission is to bring Peace to Earth, so we're polling humans....paper or plastic?"
19) "Our mission is to bring Peace to Earth, so we're polling humans....Ginger or MaryAnne?"
20) " PLEASEEEEE tell us that you brought the new Tim Rickards Brewster Rockit Book....we've been waiting an aeon!!!"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"You don't happen to know if a Dr.Frankenstein is still alive do you?"
"Our Dad is a Dr.Frankenstein...do you know him?"
"You don't happen to know a Dr.Frankenstein, do you...he's our Dad."
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden

"There's only one thing left that we haven't probed!"
"Do you think he sees double with both eyes on the same head like that??"
Ken Cockerham, Greensboro

" Never encountered a split personality before ? "
" Says he likes double header games ! "
" We like to play Double Jepardy ! "
" Strange request, Juice in the AM ! "
" Sorry we have no clothes in your neck size ! "
" Stimulating conversation. "
" This should spark up our conversation. "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

Where's the petroleum jelly? He's worried about his hair getting frizzed.
Lucky so-and-so -- he never gets more than one headache at a time.
Says his head hurts -- half of a headache pain pill ought to work for him.
Joan Lux Greensboro

"So you support off planet drilling."
"I had no idea registering for the crop circle webinar would be this complicated."

"He's think of reporting us to the USDA for the recent rash of cattle mutilations."
Gray Amick, Milky Way Galaxy

"The earthling thinks he's seeing double."
Margie Ellington, Reidsville

"I don't like it. He's talking out of both sides of his mouth."
Haircut: $15 Grocery bill: $50 Having no one to share bathroom with: Priceless
"He keeps mentioning a 'Dr. Mel'.
Stephen Botts, Greensboro

15. Do you think he knows where Elvis went?
16. He's about as intelligent as Brewster.
17. He's about as intelligent as Dr. Mel.
18. Tim, this stinks.
19. I think we should clone him and then we'll both have one.
20. Do you think OMNI would like pictures.
21. Tim, what do we now!
22. He's creepy! 23. Head or Tail! 24. Should we call Mike Rowe with Dirty Jobs??
(Sorry, Christine couldn't resist)
25. That stare gives me the hebby jebbies.
26. This will be a good one to tell his grandkids!
27. Our grandkids will love this one! 28. That stare creeps me out!
29. We need to sent this one back to Brewster!
Nancy Nelson

"Since two heads are better than one, think we should add a third?"
Jay Moore, Jamestown

30. Adam shouldn't have listened to Eve!
31. No signs of intelligent life here!
32. I told you this planet had no intelligent life forms!
33. Do you think he'll make a good pet for our son?
24. Are you getting hungary?!
Nancy Nelson

Said he met Tim at a Trekkie convention a couple of weeks ago.
Glad we have another week to figure out what to do with him.
He's a captive audience -- give him the election spiel.
What's a "magic fingers" bed?
Where's he from thinking we'd have a "magic fingers" bed?
He says we'd blend right in in his hometown.
Is it just me or is he missing something?
Which on-line translation service shall we use?
He'll be fine once we crank the number bed up to 8.
Quick, get the pomade, his hair is frizzing.
Joan Lux, Greensboro

35. So this is what you got for our frequent flyer miles!
36. I thought you were going to take Obama or McCain!
Nancy Nelson

Are you sure this is the best they had?
Pam Hart, Siler City

"Don't worry...he can just tell them he's on vacation this week."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

"Two heads ARE better than one!"
Rynn McGee-Pierce, Summerfield

21.(correction) Tim, what do we do now!
37. I think we should fatten him before...!
Nancy Nelson

"You will give birth in approximately nine earth months."
"No one will know that you are giving birth to an extraterrestrial-your baby will look completely human."
"No one will know that you are giving birth to an extraterrestrial-you baby will look completely normal."
Marsha Elam, Greensboro

"Please do not be alarmed. this is simply a procedure to correct your condition."
Marsha Elam, Greensboro

"What's this anesthetic he speaks of? Nevermind, commence drilling!
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

"What a strange creature--only one head and two eyes."
Ken Layton, Carthage

"Ummm, don't cha' think he needs more work - AHA ! it's his eyes - they're set too close together.."
Pat Vaughn, Madison

"Twins are separated at birth?"
"We were just born with motion sickness"

38. Bon Appetit!
39. What do you think would make a good appetizer?!
40.Don't you think his eyeballs look delicious?!
41. Shh, he can still hear us! Nancy Nelson
"This human was caught faking crop circles."
Rick Meehan, Graham

1.)Our mission is called Plan 10.
2.)Our cousin Marvin suggested this place.
3)Lets do the time warp again!
4.)We can't probe you this week.We are on vacation!!!!!!
5.)You don't have to strip 'em naked for brain scans pervert
6.)We've had our vaccinations this time human
7.)Make note,never let Dr Frankenfurter do the probing again!
8.)Brain scans indicate that hooters make him happy.
9.)This is the weirdest porno I've ever been in.
10.)We traced that rover back to you guys.
11.)We are from France.
12.)Mars needs women,but no fat chicks please.
13.)Our neck hole technology is vastly superior.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

I told you they only had half the intelligence.
Mike Meehan, Cadillac Michigan
Good one, from Michigan

1.)We must cure Agent Mulder of his sex addiction.
2.)We will need a strechable top strap for the human they call Pamela Anderson.
3.)Repeat after me,The truth ain't out there so quit yer lookin.
4.)Duuuude,look what he did on our exam table.
5.)We must never pull his finger again!\
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

1.)We will release you agent Mulder if you can refrain from humping the starboard thrusters and licking the photon torpedoes.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Hey, Why are they looking at me?
Sherry Fuller, Kernersville

1.) I don't think we can hold this pose for another week Mr. Rickard!
2.) ( those poor cartoons, not even a bathroom break)
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

1.)Sir,we don't think we can hold this pose for another week! Mr.Rickard!?Sir!?
2.) I actually like Slim Whitman's yodeling but it gives me horrible headaches.
3.)The human has asked for a little Slim Whitman music as his last request.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"We can try to remove an eye or split the head"
"It looks friendly, Should make a good pet!"
"He doesn't realize this is just a dream!"
"He is having a nightmare. We represent his mother-in-law!"
"Not as interesting as the female named Hilton we just released"
"They come in different sizes and flavors"
"The biology lab want to dissect"
"I wonder what it taste like?"
"Poor creature. It has no head mate!"
"His name is Tim Rickard"
"He is upset. He can't write his JOY blog"
"Dr. Righteyestein, your monster is awake!"
"Great protein source and there are 5 billion more!"
"With all the plump ones available, why did they teleport this skinny guy?"
"Notice the shrinkage, apparently caused by cold air"
"Where on earth did you find him?"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

"I told you there was nothing in there"
Debra Schaben, Kernersville

"Hurry. After February 19, we won't be able to read any of their signals."
"Right brained, left brained, it's silly to argue over."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

1) Think we need to put our heads together on this one?
2) Not sure we shoulda brought it back with us!
3) You're right--two heads are better than one!
Bill Beerman, 3606A Wildflower, Greensboro

He's no Leeloo (5th Element)
He's No Milla Jovovich (5th element)
Jon Barsanti Jr

3. “That’s creepy - his eyes move in sync.”
4. “How do they know when they’re talking to themselves?”
5. “Looks like another Out-of-Network patient.”
6. "He was in this condition when we abducted him from Wall Street."
Tom Norman, Greensboro

Do you remember the recipe for soylent green?
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"Well if he doesn't breathe through it and he can't pick up the peanut with it then what's it used for?"
"Maybe we need a bigger probe?"
"What do you think...shiny side up or shiny side down?"
"Maybe if we put the light bulb in it's MOUTH we'll be able to see if it lights up this time?!?!?"
"I'm thinking maybe 450 for about 45 minutes should be good..."
"The other cap doesn't seem to fit as well as this one does..."
"I told you we shouldn't keep the probes in the freezer..."
"I think he's supposed to turn his head and cough..."
"I hope ALL the humans aren't like this one they call Rickard..."
"You would think Mr. Cruise would've expected this to happen eventually..."
"Do you think it might be another arm or maybe a third leg?"
"I told you to pack an extension cord..."
"Would you look at that...three prong plug and only a two prong outlet..."
"Do you have it set up so that if one human goes out the others will stay lit?"
"That's really the only other place to plug it in to that I can see..."
"All we keep getting are X rated images...this guy must be some type of addict..."
"Gillian Anderson naked...over and over and over again..."
"Maybe we should try the Probinator?!?!?"
"What do you mean he doesn't have Bluetooth?"
"You think that might NOT be a USB port?"
"We're a PC and apparently he's a MAC..."
"Subject 34534 - George W. Bush - President - No recordable brain waves whatsoever."
"I would've thought it would be cooked by now..."
"I told you not to buy Mind Reading Equipment on eBay..."
"What does Wikipedia say about alien abductions and anal probes??"
"You would think they would come with a longer cord than that..."
"I told you to read the instructions but no, you had to do it all by yourself..."
"Do you think if we wrapped it in aluminum foil we could get HBO to come in?"
"Where's the kaboom? There was supposed to be an Earth shattering kaboom?"
"I think if we plug it in THERE it will cause an endless loop...don't you think?"
"Maybe we was in the pool..."
"I'm not going to touch it...YOU touch it..."
"I hope this one doesn't explode like the last one did..."
"Do you think they'll make us clean up after this one too?"
"Lets only go to 5 this time so we don't have a repeat of what happened to the last one..."
"Just remember how expensive it is to have our uniforms dry cleaned..."
"Keep in mind that this is our last clean uniform..."
"Do you think he smokes?"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

SNAIL MAIL (more to come)
Now let’s make him a diverse partner and leave them in an orchard.
Frank Freeman, Greensboro

Think we should include him in our spay- and-neuter program?
Bill Wallace, High Point