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A little something different this week. A cartoon inspired by the recent financial turmoil. Your assignment: What does the sign say?

Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com

Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.

Thought I‘d share an e-mail I received this week:
I enjoy seeing your cartoons and reading the different captions each week. My sister who is blind likes to have them read to her and to have a description of the new cartoon each week. Keep up the good work!
Sincerely, Linda Chilton, Reidsville
Actually, it’s you guys who deserve the kudos, as you do the hard work of writing the captions. I just get to take the credit.
Also, it seems like more and more, the judges around here are getting less unanimous about their choices. Sometimes I’m absolutely baffled at what others like – and don’t like. But, that’s why I use other judges; to be sure there is a broader sampling of taste. Also, to those of you who submitted entries very similar to those that won – you were either beaten to the punch or the judges may have liked the wording slightly better on another entry.

WINNER
"Hey, I was saving that for the game!"
Lisa Patteson, Summerfield

RUNNERS-UP
“Can I take you out to dinner in about 6 weeks?”
Tom Norman, Greensboro

"Is that your lunch or should I buy cigars?"
Glenda Layton, Carthage

Yes, that outfit does make you look fat.
Peggy Clapper, Greensboro

Plane trips are fun, aren't they!
Nancy Nelson

Old lady Evans has been calling her cat for hours. Know anything about that?
Bill Wallace, High Point

Come on Sue, cough it up. I want to go bowling.
Noelle Polson, Jacksonville, FL

That really went straight to your hips.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
(you had about a half-dozen entries make the short-list)

I see your eyes were bigger than your stomach.
Frances Warren, Eden

BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE
Oh no dear,not Verne Troyer!!!!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Just one tiny little mint madam.(Monty Python)
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
It’s wafer thin …

Finally got the fat broad huh (B.C.)
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
The lamer the better.

You are bloated from root beer carbonation sneaky snake.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"That gerbil was running like Richard Gere was after him. Have you seen him, honey?"
Stephen Botts, Greensboro

BEST INSIDE JOKE
I hope you didn't eat Brewster Rockit
Dr Mel said you were such a whiner!
Nancy Nelson

"His name is Tim Rickard and he approved this cartoon."
Gray Amick

BEST/WORST PUN
"I'll be seeing you a-round."
Rob Black, High Point

THE REST
"Have you seen my bowling ball?"
Brent Wooten, Thomasville
Nice one. We kinda liked the wording of the runner-up one a little better though.

How are we gonna raise him? We don't have a pit to hiss in!
J. C. Winkler, Asheboro

"Watermelon or 100 snake-lets?"
Ken Layton, Carthage

"Is that your lunch or should I buy cigars?"
Glenda Layton, Carthage

1. I told you not to eat that watermelon seed!
2. And now your boyfriend's left town? What a bummer!
3. Yes, that outfit does make you look fat.
4. Been home for mom's cooking, eh?
5. It is something you ate?
6. Can I offer you some Ex-Lax?
Peggy Clapper, Greensboro

Will you never learn, I told you He said not to eat from that tree!
Linda Phelps, Greensboro

"I can't believe you ate the whole thing"
Hazel Jones, Brown Summit

ForGET that you're bloated! You need to listen to me................if you put lipstick on a snake, it's still a snake!!!
Ronnie Mills

And then what happened after he said "eat me"?
I don't think they really mean it when they say "eat me"
Ronnie Mills, Greensboro

I thought Dad got the big piece of Chicken
Alex Kellner, Greensboro

"Why no, honey, I wouldn't say that outfit makes your behind look fat at all."
"I ssswear, Gladysss, I'll hunt rats all weekend if you'll just let me bowl again tonight!"
Judy Glazier, High Point
Nice first one. A lot of other entries in that vein, though.

"Did you eat Barry Bonds' head?"
Craven Peay, Summerfield
Clever

"Oh, so you are the ball python."
Craven Peay, Summerfield

I was sure I left it . . . say, are you sure you didn't touch it? What is it about apples anyway?!?!
Deb Timms, RoadArchdale

1. I can't take you anywhere!
2. Who's the daddy!
3. I am NOT the father!
4. I told you bowling balls weren't edible!
5. Where have you been, the cabbage patch?
6. You swallowed a watermelon didn't you?
7. Talk about weight gain.
8. You need to shed a few pounds!
9. Beauty is only skin deep!
10. Woh!
11. I told you I was the sperminator!
12. Wow!
13. Have you been playing basketball again.
14. That is definitely not an apple.
Nancy Nelson

I'm hungry lets go get something to eat............where are the kids?
Mary Lane-Smith

I TOLD you that cake was for the PTA bake sale!
Mary Lane-Smith

"Don't tell me your not going bowling tonight!"
No name given

PHEW! You have puppy breath!
TRIBB Roanoke, Va.

That may be a little rough on you in a few days.
TRIBB , Roanoke, Va.

So, When you say you ate Mexican tonight, you actually meant .....?
TRIBB, Roanoke, Va

I hope that makes less noise going out than it did going in!
TRIBB, Roanoke, Va.

I've never been turned on as much as I am now.
TRIBB, Roanoke, Va.

I hope that is not a gas bubble!
TRIBB, Roanoke, Va

I usually have to wash them off after I sqeeze them before I swallow. You wouldn't believe the taste improvement!
TRIBB, Roanoke, Va.

It always seems so quite after all the screaming stops.
TRIBB, Roanoke, Va.

Pleeease, Tell me thats Obama!
TRIBB, Roanoke, Va.

Do monkeys give you a bad after taste?
TRIBB, Roanoke, Va.

When you give that final squeeze, Its always a good idea to have the hind end facing away from your mouth.
TRIBB, Roanoke, Va.
Good ones. Several made the short list

So, no bowling tonight, then.
I told you not to eat the apple.
Sharon Shepard, Jamestown

Honey, have you seen my bowling ball?
Bob Shepard, Jamestown

1.)Wow,you are one harsh disciplinarian
2.)Did you just eat a bunny honey?
3.)That really went straight to your hips.
4.)Lipstick on a pig ,now this!
5.)I like big butts and I can't deny.....
6.)So, what happened to your last husband?
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
I LOVED number 5. Made me laugh. Strangely, no one else flagged it.
?????????????????
oh well ...

"Honest dear, eating all those rats doesn't make you look fat!"
Doug Clayton, Mcleansville

" Hope it was Lowfat ! "
" You look ready to EXPLODE ! "
" Hiss yes, Burp no ! "
" Need a Squeeze ? "
" They're right, you got a Big Mouth ! "
" You need to Shake, Rattle, & Roll ! "
" You ate without me ! "
" Let me guess, No Coiling Tonight ! "
" No Playing Chase the Tail Today ! "
" You look like a Crawling Camel !
" Does it HURT ! "
" Bet it's crawling inside you ! "
" Glad you got a thick skin ! "
" Makes my skin crawl you ate without me ! "
" What size cup you wear ? "
" But it's not Hump Day ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

" You need to learn to Crawl before you Roll ! "
" Looks like you are on a ROLL ! "
" Told you about Shallowing Whole ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

1.)When I said look out for the hoe I wasn't referring to you !
2.)Oh no dear,not Verne Troyer!!!!
3.)Somebody's been to the Garden of Eatin I see
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"What do you mean you are pregnant with octuplets by JIM BOA?"
Patsy Comer, Browns Summit

"What do you mean you ate a whole hippo?"
Patsy Comer, Browns Summit

"Have you seen my volleyball??"
Pat O'Donnell, Kernersville

1) Well, guess we better get hitched!
2) Maybe it's only gas...
3) Big turtles are hard to digest
4) Have you thought about Weight Watchers?
5) Classic case--your eyes are bigger than your tummy!
Bill Beerman, Greensboro

1.)Well,I guess that's one way to keep me from bowling with the guys.
2.)Hey,where did Bob and Shirley go?
3.)Sure,you're good for 6 months but what did you fix me for dinner?
4.)Would you like to see our dessert cart madam or did you eat that also?
5.)You're sooo sexy when you unhinge your jaw like that.
6.)Ever think of just savoring a meal for once?
7.)No wonder we never keep any friends!!!!
8.)Face facts Shirley,you're a bunny-a-holic.
9.)Just one tiny little mint madam.(monty python)
10.)Aren't you Fred,the cross dressing gerbil eater?
11.)Wow,that wasn't very ladylike at all!
12.)Yuck,you have really bad bunny breath 13.)You have a little bit of rat in your fangs.
14.)Those rats go straight to your asp.
15.)Wow,you just took out Riki tiki tavi
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
Loved number 5, too. What gives with the other judges?

I can't believe you ate the whole thing!
Linda Chilton, Reidsville

Here is a submission for the Friday, September 26, 2008 "The Joke's On You."
"Honey, does this skin make me look fat or should I molt before the party?"
Steffany Gamsby, Colfax

15. I told you not to eat the seeds.
16. Do you have PMS?
17. Crush it!
18. Hiss, hiss, hiss!
18. Who knew cuddling would do this!
19. It's just gas, it'll pass!
20. Did you say you feel something wiggling in there?
21. I don't want to burst your bubble!
22. I see you went to the pumpkin patch without me!
23. I can burst your balloon if you want!
24. How many times do I have to tell you, spit the seeds out!
25. That had better be an emu egg!
26. Eve, Adam just wasn't right for you!
27. Don't hiss at me!
28. I hope you didn't eat Brewster Rockit!
29.Rats!
30. I hope that's not Farmer Brown's new baby!
31. What a melon!(Watermelon)
32. Snakes alive!
33. Snakes can't jump!
34. You can't slither up the ladder in that condition!
35. Plane trips are fun, aren't they!
36. You bowl me over.
37. Gross!
38. Bite me!
39. It's a boa!
Nancy Nelson
I liked # 39 too.

"I was saving that."
"You know I was saving that."
"Hey, I was saving that for the game!"
Lisa Patteson, Summerfield

If you put lipstick on a pig, does it still taste like a pig?
Cathy FitzGerald, Greensboro
Not bad …

1.)Some of that pig's lipstick rubbed off .
2.)Oh no, not mini me !
3.)You can't end every arguement that way.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

1.)Well, I guess her ophidiophobia was pretty justified after all.
2.)Well,I guess her snakephobia was pretty justified after all.
3.)Keep away ,I have ophidiophobia!
4.)You're supposed to use apples for tempting not eating.
5.)Finally got the fat broad huh (B.C.)
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro (I KNOW THESE ARE LAME BUT I'M SENDING THEM ANYWAY)

"Monty Python is the name, sweetheart."
"And you say you don't know where my bowling ball is?"
"Dear, you've simply lost your figure."
"I didn't say. "Eat a basketball." I said, "Neat, a basketball."
"They said you are supposed to breath deeply when contractions start."
"Uh, is it bigger than a breadbox?"
"No daugher of mine is going out wearing lipstick. I don't care how long
you hold your breath."
"Of course I can't reach in and pull it out!"
"You need to get more excercise."
"Weight-Watchers worked for me!"
"I'll be seeing you a-round."
"There's reason we don't go out slithering together anymore."
"And then he said, "Push" and it was all over."
You gotta give the basketball one a solid look. I think it is a good one.
Rob Black, High Point

1.) I'm guessing that's will put an end to snake handling during the pentecostal children's sermon.
2.)I guess he wasn't that charming.
3.)You are bloated from root beer carbonation sneaky snake.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"Going for that Loch Ness figure?"
"I liked it when you were finicky."
"Guess now's the perfect time to say..."
"Gee, thanks for asking!"
"Anyone ever teach you to chew?"
"Bigmouth."
"You look like a Brontosaurus with no legs."
no name given

Have you seen dinner?
I can't believe you ate the whole thing ...
That's going to sit like a rock in your stomach ...
Have you seen Pumba?
I thought that only Roseanne had a mouth that big
You should have eaten Roseanne BEFORE she sang the National Anthem ...
You ate the Pig with the Lipstick, didn't you.
Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough

40. I'm not a snake in the grass.
41. Dr Mel said you were such a whiner!
42. Indigestion?! 43. Adder girl!
44. Quick ,shed your skin!
45. Gotta be a Wharf Rat!!
46. Now you want to cuddle!
Nancy Nelson

Looks like you'll deliver in time for "March Madness."
Trying to get in the City of G'boro ACC Hall of Fame on High Point Road, eh?
You might want to reconsider your "white wedding gown" decision.
Joan Lux Greensboro

You ate HOW MANY enchiladas?
I never thought of you as slack-jawed before.
Those all-you-can-eat buffets are killers, aren't they?
Are you thinking "implode" or "explode"?
I don't think you'll hear "if you've seen one snake . . ." again.
At least your lipstick still looks good.
Somebody's been in the pumpkin patch.
Somebody's been in the watermelon patch.
Joan Lux Greensboro

Maury Povich called and the DNA test is in. Adam will meet us there.
Cathy FitzGerald, Greensboro

"Not hungry? Why?
"Have you seen my brother?
"Tumor my tail! You ate our pet!!
"Is that a hamster in you stomach or are puffed up to see me?
"Eating marinated mice again at the den!!
"You can't slither now, stupid!
"Less time at the den and more in the gym!
"That's not how you use a prophylactic!!
"You won the Who Can Swallow the Bowling Ball contest??!!
"Don't lie. You ate at your girl snake's place again!!
"No wonder you weren't picked for Snakes on a Plane!
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

1.)So,how was your plane flight?
2.)That Obama guy will put lipstick on anything.
3.)Oh no,not fraggle rock!
4.)I think you were a tad harsh on the kids!!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"That's not what I meant when I said try Jenny Craig."
"Whoa, va va voom!"
"Is that lunch or are you just glad to see me?"
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
I liked the first one. Surprisingly, the other judges overlooked it.

Was that apple already nibbled when you found it?
Tell me you didn't get that apple from my "special" tree.
Stop with the "kumquat" story -- I KNOW you swallowed an apple.
Joan Lux, Greensboro

"I don't have to ask if you swallow!"
"I didn't mean you when I made the lipstick on a pig comment."
"After your meal digests, come on over to my hole for dessert."
"So is your appetite that insatiable for other things?"
"And you say that I'm full of it!"
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

1. You swallowed my Michael Jordan autographed basketball?
2. Have you seen my Michael Jordan autographed basketball?
3. I assume you don't care to go to dinner tonight!
4. I think it's time you started an exercise program.
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden

" Where's my bowling ball ? "
" Let's Roll ! "
" I am keeping my eyes on the Ball ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

"So, honey, the gynecologist started you on "the Pill" today?"
Paul Walter, High Point

"No, dear, of course snake skin doesn't make your ass look big."
Russ Eagle, Salisbury

1.)I guess that froggy won't go a courtin' any more.
2)When I said look out for that big hoe I didn't mean you!
2.)Somebody's ready for a new skin.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"Well yeah, three's a crowd but I believe we could have worked something out."
"Why didn't you get that to go?"
"Why do you think that mouse had eaten pinto beans?"
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

1. “Hey! I was saving that rat for Animal Planet.”
2. “I heard your last relationship didn’t end so well.”
3. “No, that rat doesn’t make you look fat.”
4. “Can I take you out to dinner in about 6 weeks?”
Tom Norman, Greensboro

Its just a gas bubble, I promise!
I haven't seen your bowling ball.
Do you want to go get something to eat?
What is your dad going to say?
How do I know it's mine? I heard you were out with Bo Constrictor last month too.
The ultrasound showed HOW MANY?????
Tony Hummel, Jamestown
I liked the last one

Well, there goes our Halloween pumpkin.
Who is the baby's daddy?
You look like you have been out with big Boa again.
Its going to be a lot of stretching going on soon.
Me? I want a DNA test.
Don Rankin, Greensboro

" Was that your first watermelon ?"
" When is the due date ?"
" Do not play basketball again !"
" You ate the whole thing ?"
" Don't look at ME like that. I was out of town !"
Lee Richmond, Jamestown

Come on Sue, cough it up. I want to go bowling.
Noelle Polson, Jacksonville, FL

Next time, just the helium, not the whole balloon.
Frank Beamon, Greensboro

"But my mom criticizes everyone's cooking, not just yours."
"Obviously, it takes one lick to get to the center of an owl."
"That gerbil was running like Richard Gere was after him. Have you seen him, honey?"
"There's a guy at the door on a horse. Got a note sayin' he's from some place called Sleepy Hollow. He's asking for you."
"That was a lawyer. I'll get the Pepto-Bismol."
"You can't be rabid. Oh, gravid? I'll get the 12 cribs out. Again."
Stephen Botts, Greensboro

Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com

Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.

LAST WEEK'S CARTOON
A lot of worthy entries eliminated themselves by being too long. The saying on the sign should be brief and pithy. Also, it had to be something that his sign would say to generate sympathy/money. Our winner best fit that requirment.
One of you suggested a Holloween themed cartoon featuring vampires for Halloween week. And it occured to me; I’m always looking for cartoon possibilities, why not take requests? If you have any ideas, send them with your entries.

WINNER
Golden Parachute didn't open in time
Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough

RUNNERS-UP
"Will mismanage for food."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

WILL WORK FOR BAILOUT
Bill Wallace, High point

Didn't diversify, please help
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

SHOULD HAVE SOLD HIGH
TRIBB, Roanoke, Va.

Drove a 150 year old company into the ground, please help!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

WASN’T ME!
TRIBB, Roanoke, Va.

Will work for a latte.
Joan Lux Greensboro

"A $700 billion bail-out and all I got was this lousy sign."
Brent Wooten, Thomasville

Prosperity was just around the corner.
Tom Norman, Greensboro

BEST INSIDE JOKES
What would Brewster do?
Nancy Nelson

Million dollar mortgage with a cartoonist's salary PLEASE HELP
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
(You don’t need help, you need a miracle.)

Trust me, I'm Tim Rickard's stockbroker.
Where's Bucky the Robot when you need him?
Marsha Minsky

Caption writer with mental block - please help
Jon Barsanti Jr

BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFEERENCE
Traded in Frozen OJ Futures. Please Help. (Trading Places)
Jack Ryan: I found Red October
Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough

Avoid Plastics
Tom Norman, Greensboro
(I'm thinking "The Graduate" here. Am I right?)

THE REST
1.)Will work for golden parachute
2.)S class mercedes for sale CHEAP!
3.)Will work for stock options
4.)Solid gold bathroom fixtures for sale!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

1.)Will work for filet mignon with cognac cream sauce
2.)Will work for filet mignon and chateau lafite Rothschild
3.)Will financial consult for food
4.(not a)VIETNAM VET,PLEASE HELP
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

1. Please, bail me out!
2. I'm jobless elect Joe Blow President!
3. Homeless, Noone bailed me out!
4. Will work for gas, food, etc.
5. I'm stranded, I've been deserted by my goverment!
6. More taxes, I can't pay my rent now!
7. HELP!
8. Stop this could be your fate!
9. My small business went under!
Nancy Nelson

10. So much for a college degree!
11. Aliens Welcome!
12. Wall Street, I say Small Street!
13. Doomsday is here! 14. I'm taking care of MY business!
15. I'm no bum, just need a little assistance!
16. Who's smiling now?!
17. My wheels have been repossed!
18. I can't pay my mortgage, bail me out!
18. The Jokes on You!
19. What would Brewster do?
20. If you elect me president, I promise...!
Nancy Nelson

I've repented -- have YOU?
Redemption -- it's only a Congressional vote away!
Will work for GOLD!!!
Will work for a latte.

NEED WORK
STRENGTH: Creative Accounting
WEAKNESS: See "Strength"
Joan Lux Greensboro

21. Smile, I'm not on Candid Camera!
22. Will do job interviews!
23. Will debate the issues with you!
24. Wanted,The America Dream!
26. This is a Reality Show!
27. Wanted, a free ride!
28. Help, knew at this job!
Nancy Nelson

24. Wanted, The American Dream !
Nancy Nelson

Will trade stock for gas.
Glenda Layton, Carthage

Please help. I need 700 billion for carfare.
Ken Layton, Carthage

29. Don't give me any Bull it's a Bear Market!
30. Give me a break, I'm new at this job.
Nancy Nelson

Into The Valley Of Death Rode The S&P 500
Ray Kislowski, McLeansville

"It wasn't all my fault...Fannie Mae did too!"
Carolyn Mitchell, Greensboro

For Sale! My suit and pants
Joan Hunt, Greensboro

1) "The others jumped."
2) " Forget work! Just need some food."
3) "Nothing scarier than a blank piece of paper!"
4) "My company was bailed out!"
Bill Beerman, Greensboro

WASN"T ME!
TRIBB, Roanoke, Va.

WILL WORK FOR DIVIDENDS
TRIBB , Roanoke, Va.

It seemed like a good idea at the time
TRIBB, Roanoke, Va

SORRY! My Bad
TRIBB, Roanoke, VA.

Thanks For Your Support!
TRIBB, Roanoke, Va.

THINK LOOOOOONG TERM
TRIBB, Roanoke, Va.

LOST : ONE LIFETIME OF INVESTING
TRIBB, Roanoke, Va.

SHOULD HAVE SOLD HIGH
TRIBB, Roanoke, Va.

I JUST MESSED MYSELF
TRIBB, Roanoke, Va

THE BAILOUT IS NEAR
TRIBB, Raonoke, Va.

OOPS!
TRIBB, Roanoke, Va.

WILL WORK FOR OBAMA
TRIBB, Roanoke, Va. (all those other jokers from Fannie Mae do)

"Will work for and kind of nut!"
Debra Watson, Eden

1.)Will work for tax payer bail out
2)Didn't diversify,please help
3.)Wachovia CEO,please help
4) I was a mortgage broker now I'm just broke
5.)Will work for fixed rate only!
6.)AIG find out what it means to me.
7.)Will toady for food.8)Lost one of my homes,please help
8.)Will work for trophy wife
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"Will work for gas"
"Will eat for money"
"Successful with house, 2 cars, and healthy family, please help"
Ian Knight, TerraceGreensboro

Need $ for Art School.
What, me worry?
Get out of Jail free.
Need ride to Grand Caymans.
Ask me about my grand larceny.
Honk if you need credit approval.
I bought this Armani suit with your grandpa's money.
This space for rent.*(Variable Interest)
Kilroy was foreclosed here.
Will work for Bearer Bonds.
Will word for Euros.
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

The ENRON Is Near...
Rupert Burton, Greensboro

WILL BUY GAS FOR FOOD.
CAROLYN DILLARD ,GREENSBORO

Stock Broker - Need Money for Food - Please Invest
Former Employee of the US Treasury Dept. Please Help
I may not look homeless - It's my first day - Please Help
Will Sell My House for food
Will trade Stocks for Food
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

1.)Greedy lender overleveraged in subprime mortgages,please help.
2.)Predatory lender,please help.
3.)Wallstreet vet ,please help
4.)Will work for $1000 silk tyes .
5.)Undiversified Wachovia stock holder,please help
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

1) Golden parachute didn't open! Please help
2.)Disregarded sound investment principles,please help!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

31. Bear with me!
32. Rescue me!
33. Love will keep us together!
Nancy Nelson

The street signs should read:
WAIL STREET
BAIL STREET
Nelda Porter, Greensboro

1.)Will work for junk bonds
2.)Second homeless,please help.
3.)Vacation homeless,please help
4.) Now open for trading
5.)Going to jail,where I'll get a sore tail, please help with bail
6.)Will cook your books for food
7.)Jewel encrusted shower curtain for sale ,Cheap!
8.)I'll sell my tail for money for bail(no pennies please)
9.)Down to my last jar of caviar,please help
10.)Drove a 150 year old company into the ground,please help!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

VOTE.............NEED...............BANK
4 U...............BAILOUT/............SALE
2 L8................RIDE.................SAT.
4 ME.............HOME..............10 AM
John Lonergan, Whitsett

HELP!
I need a bailout
John Lonergan, Whitsett

1) Help, I need a loan. I used to work for Wachovia.
2) Help my family. Buy stocks.
3) I am in need. I have to pay my car loan, beach house, country club dues etc.
4) I left home without it. Need cash.

1.)Million dollar mortgage with a cartoonist's salary PLEASE HELP !
2.) Gave mortgages to hobos,please help!
3.)Can't afford everything I want,please help
4.)Now giving variable subprime mortgages on cardboard boxes
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Will work for an espresso!
Randy Payne, Greensboro

IT"S TIME FOR CHANGE
dollar bills only ("IT"S TIME FOR CHANGE" would be in big block letters like an Obama campaign poster. "dollar bills only" should be written in by hand)
"Caution: Falling Stockbrokers."
Marsha Elam, Greensboro

* Sorry!!
* Vote!
* Honk if (heart) $$
* Mecedes Reproed Need $$
* Pat's Pizza 2 Slices/2$
* Will Work for Millions!
* Not Guilty!
* Who Will Bail Out Me?
* Who Will Bail Me Out?
* Hi Mom! Send Money!
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

Kick
Me
5¢
Cathy FitzGerald, Greensboro

34. I was greedy and now I'm needy!
35. We're in a hell of a mess! (Sunday paper quote)
36. Who does depression hurt? Everyone!
Nancy Nelson

When Easy Street meets Wall Street
Will drive the economy into the ground for $60 Million (Richard Fuld)
Golden Parachute Didn't Open in Time
Able to turn sow's ear into silk ...
Will work for credit card debt
Have MBA and Banking Degrees - Will work for food
Have suit will travel
Richard Fuld's assistant: Will work for cash only
Victim of Bear Attack on Wall Street
Will work for a $400 Haircut.
Cell phone Bill Due, Credit Card Bill Due, Cable Bill due, Internet bill due. Please Help
Survived Black Friday - Didn't survive Red October
Jack Ryan: I found Red October
Need Cost of Living Adjustment
Will work for Coffee
Will work for full tank of gas
Over Invested in $147 a barrel oil
Need $100,000 bailout/rescue. God Bless.
$240 million in Lehman Brothers Stock - will work for cash only
Former Day-Trader
Traded in Frozen OJ Futures. Please Help. (Trading Places)
Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough

1.) The bear ate my bull,please help.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

Broke,
Jobless,
Homeless,
Wifeless,
Suit for sale.
Don Rankin, Greensboro

1. Brother, can you spare 7 trillion dimes?
2. Prosperity was just around the corner.
3. Don’t panic, retirement is overrated.
4. Gordon Gekko was wrong.
5. Beware of the Bear.
6. Avoid Plastics
7. I need money for booze.
8. Caution: Falling Golden Parachutes.
9. Good news! You won’t end up in the Poorhouse - it’s in foreclosure.
10. Good news! The Poorhouse is in foreclosure.
11. Ransom demand: Your money for your job.
12. Honk if you’d like to run me over.
Tom Norman, Greensboro

1.) Invested like A IGnoramus,please help
2.)We lose money the old fashioned way too!
3.)The end is near but I owe too much to go!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"A $700 billion bail-out and all I got was this lousy sign."
"Will work for $700 billion."
Brent Wooten, Thomasville

"Fill Here - Fill Now."
Jon Barsanti Jr., Hillsborough

"All hat, no Horse ... please help"
"My bank got millions and I got a toaster."
Jon Barsanti Jr., Hillsborough

"Let them eat cake."
"Lost, One 401-k."
"Will mismanage for food."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

1.) The bear ate my bull,please help
Tim Tribbet, Greensboro

Homeless,
Wifeless,
Suit for sale.
Don Rankin, Greensboro

1. Brother, can you spare 7 trillion dimes?
2. Prosperity was just around the corner.
3. Don’t panic, retirement is overrated.
4. Gordon Gekko was wrong.
5. Beware of the Bear.
6. Avoid Plastics
7. I need money for booze.
8. Caution: Falling Golden Parachutes.
9. Good news! You won’t end up in the Poorhouse - it’s in foreclosure.
10. Good news! The Poorhouse is in foreclosure.
11. Ransom demand: Your money for your job.
12. Honk if you’d like to run me over.
Tom Norman, Greensboro

1.) Invested like A IGnoramus,please help
2.) 2.)We lose money the old fashioned way too!
3.) 3.)The end is near but I owe too much to go!
4.) Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"A $700 billion bail-out and all I got was this lousy sign."
"Will work for $700 billion."
Brent Wooten, Thomasville

"Fill Here - Fill Now."
Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough

"All hat, no Horse ... please help"
"My bank got millions and I got a toaster."
Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough

"Let them eat cake."
"Lost, One 401-k."
"Will mismanage for food."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

WILL MERGE FOR FOOD
Steve Carbone, Gso

1- Bail me out.
2- Yale grad out of work. Boola boola; need moolah.
3- I'm lacking-need backing.
4- Present alms.
5- In source me a job.
Cathy Harless, High Point

"Willing to sell teenage daughter for gas money."
"Vote: Calvin/Hobbes '08"
"Lost life savings betting on the Cubs."
"I raped by Fannie Mae."
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

"Willing to learn Spanish"
"Homeless Banker"
"Will do Windows"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"Willing to sell teenage daughter for gas money."
"Vote: Calvin/Hobbes '08"
"I lost my life savings betting on the Cubs."
"I was raped by Fannie Mae."
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

" Will work for Golden Parachute "
" Where is Main Street ?"
" Wall Street or bust "
Lee F. Richmond, Jamestown

Caption writer with mental block - please help
Job outsourced to "Joke's on you fans.'
Have bucket - waiting for MY bailout."
Day-trader Anonymous Support Group needed
Need advance until January 20th - hopefully 2009.
Took relocation package to Iceland ... need a new country.
Jon Barsanti Jr

"Need place to stay. Summer home being repainted."
"Transportation needed to Off-Shore Accounts"
"Insider Trading Tips for Sale"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"Willing to learn Spanish"
"Homeless Banker"
"Will do Windows"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"Will cook books for food."
Pete Dey

Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com

Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.

LAST WEEK'S CARTOON
I almost passed on this idea for a cartoon because I thought the captions it would generate would be too similar. Not a lot of places you can go with this. Or so I thought. I didn’t count on how good you guys are at thinking outside the box. I mean, the Rorschach references alone were priceless (We picked what we thought was the best of those, but still, kudos to everyone who went there.) Also, see the blog for entries that were a bit more ... “scatological” in nature for those of us who never grew up.

WINNER
Dear, it’s time to go to the hospital. My water just broke.
Jack Snead, Jamestown

RUNNERS-UP
Call a doctor,that should be blue!
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

So much for his job interview today!
Nancy Nelson

Oh no! On young unknown Dr Rorschach's new shirt!
Kevin Little

"You ever get that 'Not So Fresh' feeling?"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

"Hurry Fred, apply pressure to my ball point."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

It happens every time I sneeze
Frank Beamon, Greensboro

Oops! I thought it was only gas.
Peggy Clapper, Greensboro

Wasn’t me!
Tribb, Roanoke, Va.

"That was the scariest story I've ever heard."
Brent Wooten, Thomasville

BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE
I don't know nuthin bout birthin no babies miss Scarlett!
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

"Look, I just invented the Nickelodeon background."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

45. Did I do that?! ( Remember Urkel)
Nancy Nelson

BEST INSIDE JOKE
You be brief ,I'll be pithy
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Brewster's clueless, he did it!
Nancy Nelson

BEST / WORST PUN
"Oops. Ink-ontinence again"
Mike Flint, Greensboro

"Blot's On Your Mind?"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

SCATALOGICAL ROUND-UP
"I told you not to pull my finger."
Sharon Shepard, Jamestown

"Ops, I should have used those Depends."
Barbara Golding, Reidsville

“Never trust a fart”
Robert Patalano, Greensboro
Louis Tellez, Jamestown

Oops! I thought it was only gas.
Peggy Clapper, Greensboro

Uh oh,that fart felt a little wet!
Sorry,too much fruit!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

1. “Don’t look, I’m inking!”
Tom Norman, Greensboro

3) I don't remember eating that.
4) So much for trying to sneak one out
7) I thought it was just gas
TRIBB, Roanoke, Va

" I got the runs."
James E. Ferrell, McLeansville

"Oops, I cut a wet one!"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

1. Well, the laxative worked.
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden

THE REST
Dear, it's time to go to the hospital. My water just broke.
Jack Snead, Jamestown
First entry. Sometimes your first instinct is the best.

Uh-oh! I should have had that Datrol discussion!
Linda Willard, High Point

"I told you not to pull my finger."
Sharon Shepard, Jamestown

"Aww, I inked!"
Gina De Naples, Greensboro

1. OOps!
2. He should've used protection!
3. Wasn't me!
4. You think he'll notice!
5. Can I borrow your eraser?
6. Where's the protector when you need it?!
7. Who dun it? 8. Incontinence!
9. When you got to go, you got to go!
10. So much for his job interview today!
11. I'm betting he doesn't get the job!
12. Do you think he'll spot that?!
13. Where's that stain out pen?!
14. You shouldn't have made me laugh!
15. Did you do that?!
Nancy Nelson

16. We can just Shout It Out!
17. Nancy Nelson

17. I'm going to get fired!
18. Time for retirement!
19. He's going to CAN me!
19. Don't give me that look!
20. He needed a splash of color.
Nancy Nelson

"My diaper's too small."
That's ok. He's Dr. Rorschach.
Nice. We liked the wording of the runner-up a little better
J. C. Winkler, Greensboro

"I just couldn't wait."
Ken Layton, Carthage

"He said the pocket guard looked too nerdy."
Ken Layton, Carthage

"I don't understand. This has never happened before."
"This has never happened before."
Lee Poole, Greensboro

It's time for the plastic pocket protector.
Where's the plastic pocket protector?
Well you're the one who pushed my button!
So I'm old and I leak, get over it!
Isn't there a new drug for this problem?
Joan Lux Greensboro

21. I was just too full!
22. Look what you made do!
23. I told you not to squeeze me!
24. Cover for me! 25. Can you keep a secret?
26. It matches the color of his eyes!
27. Quick, use your head!
28. No problem, we'll tell him it's coffee!
29. I have no inkling as to what happened!
30. I can't blame you, can I?!
31. Brewster's clueless, he did it!
Nancy Nelson

Well if you hadn't told that really funny joke . . . .
. . . and you aren't the sharpest pencil.
If you didn't have that eraser you'd NEVER be used!
Shush, or I'll whittle you down to a stub.
Joan Lux Greensboro

"Never trust a fart"
Robert Patalano, Greensboro

" It's Grape Jelly ! ! ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

Now I know the difference between a jot and tittle!
Sarah Towle, High Point

"Where did you put the Depends"?
Barbara Golding, Reidsville

"Ops, I should have used those Depends."
Barbara Golding, Reidsville, NC

Bladder control problems?
No name given

"This has never happened before. HONESTLY!!"
David Manley, Summerfield

1.) oopsy!
2.)Do you feel something wet?
3.) Its the only way I can see that sexy Tide pen.
4.)Can I borrow your head?
5.)Can you spare a little head?
6.)Not my fault,he didn't click me!
7.) I didn't do it!
8.)That's a old stain,really!
9.)Wha happened?
10.)Yikes,he's a horrible driver!
11.)I've had this problem since I was a kid.
12.)Sorry,too much fruit!
13.)Why did you move way over there?
14.)Well,I guess that will teach him not to wear white to the office.15.)I just had the worst nightmare!
16.)Call a doctor,that should be blue!
17.)Sometimes older pens develop this problem.
18.) I think I just inked myself !
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

He normally has protection.
I hate it when that happens
White shirts are the best
That's the only black ink his investments will see for a while.
Jon Barsanti Jr

I'm so excited to see you!
I'm so happy to see you!
It wasn't me, I'm red ink.
Don't look at me that way, its soy sauce from lunch.
Behave yourself. I haven't seen Bill since he did that.
Behave yourself. I haven't seen BIC since he did that.
Noelle Polson, Jacksonville, FL

I forgot to take my Flo-Max today.
Don Rankin, Greensboro
Sounds amusing, but many of us weren’t too familiar with a lot of drugs.

"I'm a Wachovia pen, I'm busted"
John Blake, Whitsett

1. Got any extra Depends?
2. That was really scary, wasn't it?
3. What makes you think I write campaign ads?
4. Yes, I am a government purchased-by-low-bid pen. How did you guess?
5. Yes, I have been writing dirty jokes again.
6. Oops! I thought it was only gas.
7. No problem. I'm actually a bleach pen travelling incognito
Peggy Clapper, Greensboro

" i've been meaning to get some of those Depends diapers"
tommy poole, thomasville

"Have you tried Inkmodium?"
Joan Hunt, Greensboro'

"Oops. Excuse me."
From Shirley Wyzga-Johnson, Greensboro

1) Ewww,it feels warm and sticky
2.)He shouldn't buy such cheap pens.
3.)Just look what you did!
4.)Will you take the fall for me?
5.) I'm no Mont blanc that's for sure.
6.)We older pens need pocket protecters.
7.)Don't you judge me!
8.) I feel lighter for some reason.
9.)Please tell me I'm refillable!
10.)You're a #2 pencil and I'm a pen who does #2.
11.)That's the reason I don't get dates.
12.)Uh oh,that fart felt a little wet!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

I should have gone before we left
Tribb, Roanoke, Va,

1) Don't worry, it doesn't smell.
2) I get nervous when he pushes the top of my head
3) I don't remember eating that.
4) So much for trying to sneak one out
5) I guess you will tell everyone about this
6) It's an ink thing, you wouldn't understand
7) I thought it was just gas
8) I should probably never block a sneeze
9) What does he expect? I've been in this pocket all day
10) WASN"T ME !
11) I'm seeing a doctor about this
12) So, probably not a good first impression?
TRIBB, Roanoke, Va.

"I should have worn protection."
Anonymous, Greensboro
Marsha, Marsha, Marsha …

"I feel so cheap."
Marsha Elam, Greensboro

1.)That's payback for chewing on us!
2.) I got him back for rubbing the top of your head off !
3.)Oh click ! 4.) I'm a little nervous about signing that 700 billion dollar bailout bill!
5.)Uh oh,W is going to be pissed!
6.) We need a cleanup in pocket one.
7.)We almost fell out the last time he bent over!
8.)I think I just clicked in my sleep!
9.)Spray and Wash ain't gonna get that.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"Oops. Ink-ontinence again"
Mike Flint, Greensboro

Oops, I did it again
Do you think they will notice?
"Excuse Me"
John Lonergan, Whitsett,

Oh no! On young unknown Dr Rorschach's new shirt!
Kevin Little

"You oughta know everybody makes mistakes - that's why erasers were made."
"Everybody makes mistakes - that's why erasers were made."
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

"Yeah, I made a mess - What's your point?"
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

"Never trust a Fart"
Louis Tellez, Jamestown,

"Now THAT's one scary haunted house!"
"Well, that was an exciting ride."
Andy Ralston-Asumendi, Greensboro

1.)That's revenge for breaking off my little clip thingy!
2.)Shout it out!3.)I don't know nuthin bout birthin no babies miss Scarlett!
4.)That's never happened to me before
5.)I feel sooo much better!
6.)I just couldn't hold it any longer!
7.)Did you get any on ya?
8.)He shouldn't use me to stir coffee.
9.)Can I borrow some of your shavings?
10.)Ooooh,I hate to do that in a Ralph Lauren.
11.)I'm almost finished. 12.)My ink doesn't stink
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

1. "So sorry, I thought I had an anti leak device."
2. "Give me a break, 8 hours stuck in here is long enough."
3. "Opps, I had an accident."
4. "Oh no, not again."
5. "You need to keep your cap on."
6. " You know, a pencil would never make that mess."
Margie Ellington, Reidsville

1.)Well,I guess nobody's going to want to steal me now.
2.) I made a stinky inky.
3.) What do you mean disposable?
TIM TRIBBETT,GREENSBORO

1) The "Sharpener story" was very scary!
2) Please, never tell me about the sharpener again!
3) So, is your head only good for cleaning up lead accidents?
4) I bet I get blamed for this
5) Wanna switch sides?
6) It was like this when I got here, I promise!
7) This probably never happens to you.
8) Nothing I say will make me feel better about this.
9) You're not going to forget this are you?
10) That was NOT supposed to happen!
11) This is going to be a problem for you, isn't it?
12) They stick your butt in a WHAT!
13) OOPS!
14) Maybe, if you use your head, you can get me out of this.
TRIBB, Roanoke, Va.

1) "Well, I've done it again!"
2) "Isn't there a pill for this?"
3) "It's OK--the fabric is stainproof"
4) "My bottom feels wet!"
Bill Beerman, Greensboro

It happens everytime I sneeze
Frank Beamon, Greensboro

32. Out damned Spot!
33. It's just a joke!
34. The Joke's on him!
35. He'll never spot it!
36. Ink blots are a sign of intelligence!
37. Spot on! 38. It kinda looks like a turtle!
38. I spy something black!
40. Write on!
Nancy Nelson

"He had a little sword but I... I thought I could take him."
"Hurry Fred, apply pressure to my ball point."
"Get the bags Henry, my ink just broke."
"That's the funniest story I ever heard."
"I got shot right here in the corner pocket."
"She kicked me right in the ball point."
"Hurry Frank, tilt my cartridge back."
"Get your lousy thumb off of me."
"Promise me that you'll donate my cartridge."
"Don't click me there you fool."
"I'll..I'll never ever sign the bailout bill."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

41. It was an accident!
42. I'm not a Big Drip!
43. Squirt!
44. It's art!
Nancy Nelson

1.)I think I just doodled!
2.)Did you say Duke won a football game?!!
3.)Hey,at least I'm not getting shorter!
4.)Its the big house for me now!
5.)Next time you try to vault out don't hit my clicker!
6.)I'm too young to go in the can!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

45. Did I do that?! ( Remember Urkel)
46. Sorry, I'm not a graphite artist like you!
Nancy Nelson

" You Don't Have An Inkling What It's Like ! ! ! "
" You Never Seen An Inky - Dinky - Do ? "
" Can You Erase My Inky-Dinky-Do ? "
" Was Hoping For A Dry Run ! "
" Just Pencil Me In, Please ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

" I Couldn't Hold It Any Longer ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

"I got to stop staying out all night and inking."
"Oops!"
" I got the runs."
"The end is near."
" Too excited."
"Uug ooh! Look out trash can."
James E. Ferrell, McLeansville

* "It's the prune ink!!"
* "That's red. I am blue ink!"
* "Got a bleach stick!?"
* "Cheap!! Better cheap than obsolete!!"
* "I know a pocket protector is dorky but..."
* "I'll be sent to the Isle of Bad Pens!!"
* "Eraserhead, need some help here!"
* "Oops, I cut a wet one!"
* "Ok, ok, I was made in China!!"
* "Have any Pepto?"
* "This can't happen. I'm a BIC!!
* "What till the misses sees this!
* "Want to trade places?"
* "Is was a technical malfunction. I reported it"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

"We call it getting the lead out, what do you guys call it?"
"My doctor warned me about spicy stationery."
"I assume your colonoscopy is tomorrow morning?"
Gray Amick, Greensboro

1.) You be brief ,I'll be pithy.
2.)Did you just hear a click?
3.)Well,he said to be brief and pissy.
4.)Waiting for it to dry is the worst part.
5.)Calgon,take me away!
6.) Oh no,this will mean back in the pocket protector.
7.)You would think a cartoonist would buy better pens .
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Oh no ! It's these "over-filled barrels" again - causing us dis-dain !
Rose Franks, Greensboro

1.)Sometimes I seep in my sleep.
2.) Too much olestra.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"That'll teach the nerd to forget his pocket protector."
Carl Niedziela, Pelham

22. Look what you made me do!
Nancy Nelson

Now I know how the Exxon Valdez felt!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Haven't we played this venue before?
It's good to be back in the News and Record!
It's my usual schtick!
You would think he would learn not to wear white when we play Greensboro.
Tony Hummel, Greensboro

"O.K, what do you see now?"
"Look, I just invented the Nickelodeon background."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

1. “Don’t look, I’m inkling!”
2. “Never mind me - do you know you keep getting shorter?”
3. “I dreamed I was a Rorschach ink blot.”
4. “Come on! You said you can make things disappear.”
5. “I think he’s drunk, he tried to sharpen me.”
6. “You scared the ink out of me!”
7. “Please tell me you’ve been chewing tobacco.”
8. “I feel like - I don’t know, the words escape me.”
9. “I’ve been doodled to death.”
10. “What’s the matter, never seen a pen take a leak before?”
11. “I’m afraid I’m at a loss for words.”
12. “You think I should suggest a pocket protector?”
13. “I’m about to be the victim of severe trauma.”
14. “It must be karma. I’ve written a lot of bad checks.”
Tom Norman, Greensboro

1- That's my impression of an octopus.
2- Well, excuse me!!
3- Oops! overdosed on Metamucil.
4- Does that eraser just work on pencil?
5- This nerd ought to wear a pocket protector.
Max Harless, High Point

1. "Oh no, you didn't."
Margie Ellington, Reidsville

" Lost our Shirt to Trickle Down ! "
" Trickle Down Cost Our Shirt ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

1. I know he will tell his wife that it was my fault
2. Woops!
3. Third shirt this week. Will he ever learn?
4. I'm tired of doing laundry detergent commercials.
5. I couldn't hold it any longer.
6. I wish I was a ballpoint.
Dave Sheets, Greensboro

"That was the scariest story I've ever heard."
"I told you not to push my head."
"Quick. Let's change places."
"Got any hairspray?"
Brent Wooten, Thomasville

1. Well, the laxative worked.
2. Don't look at me I have red ink.
3. Look closely, the ink blot looks like an upside down turtle.
4. I'm sorry I shouldn't have taken the laxative.
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden

"You haven't witnessed a "black-out" before?"
Chrystal Carr

" I think it's time for De-PENZ..."
by Chrystal Carr

" Oops "
" He probably won't notice "
" Do you think the wedding will still go on ?"
" Oh-oh, and it had to be a white shirt "
" You pencils just don't know how lucky you are "
" That's it, no more cheap refills "
Lee F. Richmond, Jamestown

1. Look closely, the ink blot looks like a turtle on his back.
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden

"I told you not to push it..."
"Well...it could be worse...last time it was priapism so I guess I should be happy!"
"The Market is down How Much?!?!?!?"
"How much is left in my 401K?"
"You think anyone will notice?"
"Yes that is a pen in his pocket and I'm NOT happen to see him!"
"Ooopsy"
"That's probably gonna leave a mark..."
"You ever get that 'Not So Fresh' feeling?"
"It's ink...I Swear!"
"Wait...wait...the guy at the magic shop said it'll disappear..."
"Oooh...Pardon Me..."
"Blot's On Your Mind?"
"I kinda thind it looks like a rooster playing piano...you?"
"Let's see him sign the bailout plan now..."
"Top That!"
"I told you not to scare me like that!"
"I didn't do it..."
"And you thought the whole Visine thing was an urban legend didn't ya?"
"Hehehe...that tickled!"
"And HE said pocket protectors are only for nerds!"
"I spilled my coffee...I SWEAR!"
"Got Ink?"
"It's been happening since I was a kid..."
"My Dad was a Sharpie so there was always a good chance this would happen someday..."
"I only fell asleep for a second..."
"...then Ms. Dunbar said I had to stay after class and yadda, yadda, yadda, I woke up like this..."
"It's not funny! It's a genuine medical condition!"
"Well NOW he's a Maverick with an Ink Spot!!"
"I did NOT have any type of relations with that stapler!"
"If you're not going to offer any helpful advice then just keep quiet!"
"I don't laugh at you whenever yours breaks off now do I??"
"WHAT?!?!?! Your telling me you didn't see her walk by??"
"It was there when I got here..."
"Well she asked me to wear a cap but it just doesn't feel the same..."
"They really don't make a cap big enough if you know what I mean..."
"If you say, 'Inka Dinka Bottle Of Ink' just ONE More Time..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

And for next week’s cartoon: happy Halloween.

Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com

Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.

LAST WEEK'S CARTOON
Hot headed, strikes or striking, match.com, light my fire , smoking is bad for you, perfect match, etc. were some of the more common responses. Several of you came up with a nicotine gum/patch reference that I thought was clever. First come, first serve though. And there were my favorites, the usual batch of obscure references that sent me scurrying to Google (phillumenist, anyone?)

WINNER
How many matches does it take to light a simple freakin' barbecue?!!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

RUNNERS-UP
If he weren’t so cheap, he’d buy some air freshener.
Bill Wallace, High Point

"Oooh...look at all the pretty colors he can make..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

“Have you noticed the high rate of burnout on this job?”
Marsha Elam, Greensboro

Stop, drop and roll!
Nancy Nelson

Well, secret Santa won't be much fun this year.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

“He’s lighting his own WHAT?“
Joel Clark, Greensboro
(Welcome back, Joel. You had the record this week for most entries to make the short list.)

If they think smoking is harmful to their health…
Don Byers, Greensboro

"Alone at last!"
Bill Beerman, Greensboro
Way to go, Bill. A different expression on the match’s face and this would have been a real contender.

"I sure hope those nicotine patches work!"
Kris Voy, Trinity
Welcome, back Kris.

BEST INSIDE JOKE
What's that dufus Brewster up to now?
Nancy Nelson

BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE
"You know that it would be untrue..."
David Holley, Greensboro

“Where’s a phillumenist when you need him?”
Marsha Elam, Greensboro
(It means matchbook collector)

“You must be Mix.”
Marsha Elam, Greensboro
… I have no idea.

"I told him he should ease up on the Aqua Velva..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro
… also, no idea.

I am glad Corbin Dallas gave up smoking.'
Jon Barsanti Jr
(5th Element)

BEST/WORST PUN
I can see Claire Lee now that Lorraine has gone.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
This’ll make the BEST/WORST PUN hall of fame

THE REST
"The others didn't come back. Was it something I said?"
Ken Layton, Carthage

"Your gas really cleared the house."
Ken Layton, Carthage

"I say we go on Strike until we get a better health care plan!"
"Beware 'The Thumb' my friend..."
"Do I feel warm to you?"
"Oooh...look at all the pretty colors he can make..."
"I feel a sneeze coming on..."
"Come On Baby Light My Fire..."
"OK...I got one...two cigars walk into a bar..."
"One More Time!! Matchmaker, Matchmaker, Make Me A Match..."
"Close De Door...It's Cold..."
"The waiting isn't so bad...it's the face plant across the sidewalk there that I'm worried about..."
"Look at him...laying there all rough and tough...just taunting us..."
"Stay away from the light..."
"OK...you've sparked my interest..."
"Do you think it might be too late to change careers?"
"There he was...face down in a bottle of beer...it was horrible..."
"A Blaze Of Glory my friend...A Blaze of Glory..."
"I'm glad her birthday only comes once a year..."
"I'm glad he's gone...he was always such a Hot Head anyway..."
"Looks like we won't be playing Rock, Paper, Scissors anymore..."
"It was always Marcia, Marcia, Marcia! I'm glad she's gone!"
"I was sick of always being the Monkey In The Middle!"
"Oooh...I think I left the coffee pot on this morning!"
"Ouch...that's gonna leave a mark..."
"I told him not to pick at it!"
"That's gotta hurt!"
"...and then there were two..."
"I told you camping wouldn't be as fun as you thought it would be..."
"Just the two of us...we can make it if we try...just the two of us...you and I...Sing With Me!"
"Oh dear...look at poor Penny in the next panel, how embarrassing for her..."
"Did you ever find Bugs Bunny attractive when he put on a dress and played girl bunny?"
"Are You Thinking What I'm Thinking?"
"When I go, I'm donating my eyes to Stevie Wonder..."
"When it's my time...I think I'd just like to be cremated..."
"I heard she'd been cheating on him with an old flame..."
"I just hope I don't end up under somebody's foot..."
"Then there was my Uncle Joe, he died in a gas water heater incident..."
"Then there was my Aunt Rita, she was a smoker..."
"...and then there was Uncle Chow...he died in a fireworks accident..."
"Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit smoking..."
"Stop Touching Me!"
"Dude...move over..."
"All this room and you have to be RIGHT up on me?!?!?"
"I guess yelling, "Smoke Em' If Ya Got Em'' wasn't the best choice of words..."
"In hind sight...a magnifying glass probably wasn't the best gift idea."
"Show Off!!!"
"I told her to use sunscreen but did she ever listen?"
"Will anyone who wants to have their head Engulfed In Flames please take one step forward..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

" Two more Strikes and we're Out ! ! ! "
" Hope he'll close the cover before we Spark ! "
" Close the Cover before We Spark ! "
" We are a Match made in Havana ! "
" This is what happens when they forget to Close the Cover before Striking ! "
" All our friends have got up in Smoke ! "
" If his team wins We'll Light a Couple of Cigars ! "
" I Feel a little Burning Sensation ! "
" Warning Lablels mean Nothing Anymore ! "
" They Can't Play with US !
" Let's Strike ! "
" The Warning Label Protects Us & Them ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

1. Burn baby burn!
2. 2. She's about to light my fire!
3. 3. I don't want to be a hot head!
4. 4. Don't let him strike me! 5. But, we're the perfect match!
5. 6. We're a match made in heaven!
6. 7. Hasn't he heard of a lighter!
7. 8. I'm about to be snuffed out!
8. 8. It's now or never!
9. 9. He's playing with fire!
10. 10. Baby,don't light my fire!
11. 11. Stick with me and we'll light up this place.
12. 12. Now's not the time to be shy!
13. 13. It's going to be a hot time in the old town tonight!
14. 14 Matches burn!
15. 15. I'm out of here!
16. 16. I'm going on strike!
17. 17. Strike 1, Strike 2, Strike 3, she's out!
18. Nancy Nelson

"Which one us do you think they will FIRE next".
Dennis Kays, Greensboro

18. Don't strike out!
19. They told be you were a hottie!
20. First, they should try rubbing sticks together!
21. When the lights go out, we go out!
22. It's the Match game! 23. Oh no, our covers been blown!
24. Do you smell that?
25. They're going to get burned.
Nancy Nelson

26. Oh boy, they're making Smores!
27. I smell smoke!
28. I hope they don't grill me!
29. Wheres Smokey when you need him!
30. I see a job in my near future!
32. Where they're smoke theres fire!
33. Why can't they just snuggle under a blanket!
Nancy Nelson

" Our Cover is Blown ! "
" Let's Go Undercover ! "
" I couldn't tell you because I was Undercover ! "
" Our Children have all Lit Out ! "
" All our friends have Lit Out ! "
" I Don't Take our Relationship Lightly ! "
" You Know Your Eyes Set Me Afire ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

Quick, spit on me!
David Graves, Browns Summit

That "light a candle instead of cursing the darkness" stuff is overrated.
One more verse of "You Light Up My Life" and you're history!
Yeah, yeah, I know "what really burns you up."
The Surgeon General needs a little more clout.
If they think smoking is harmful to their health.
Wanna draw matchsticks to see who goes last?
Watch out for head abrasions.
Just before you die you'll see a great light.
Seems like life is just one flare up after another.
My mother always said I really light up a room.
Just be glad he closes the cover before striking.
Don Byers, Greensboro
Some good ones here, Don

Hey, what do you think about striking out on our own?
I'm glad we met on Match.com!
If they play 'Light my Fire' one more time, we're done.
Darrell Kimrey, Greensboro

Two more strikes you are out.
James Durham-Greensboro

34. Flame it!
35. This is lame, they don't need a flame!
36. Hurry call Smokey!
37. Don't they know, curiosity killed the cat!
38. Think, two heads are better that one!
39. I'm getting a headache!
40.Flameless candles are the newest fad!
(19) They told me you were a hottie!
(29) Where's Smokey when you need him!
(32) Where there's smoke there's fire!
41. Be afraid be very afraid!
Nancy Nelson

"I'm a teetotaler. I refuse to get lit!"
"Self-immolation seems like such a painful way to die!"
"I sure hope those nicotine patches work!"
"My whole family's been a bunch of hotheads."
"Wanna switch places?"
"No, really, I wouldn't mind. I'm a gentleman."
"I sure hope the Bic has plenty of butane!"
Kris Voy, Trinity

Idea! Lets spit on each other.
Don Rankin, Greensboro

1.)Oooh oooh oooh, he's on fire.(apologies to Springsteen)
2.) Thank goodness she quit smoking!
3.) I've left you the booklet in my will.
4.)How many matches does it take to light a simple freakin' barbeque?!!
4.)Do you smell sulfur?
5.) I thought she gave up smoking!
6.)Hey,where did everybody go?
7.)Smoking really is bad for you!
8.)Man,I hope that nicotine patch kicks in soon!
9.)I guess he never learned the rubbing two sticks together method.
10.)That little black strip seemed so harmless!!!
11.)Well,that just burns me up!
12.)Maybe if we pee on each other!
13.)It's just you and me now kid.
14.)Hey jerk,it says to close cover before striking!
15.)I wish we had been closer Bob.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"You Strike me as someone who needs a friend"
June Annis, Jamestown

"Think we got enough spark left to rekindle the flame?"
Rachel Swoap, Greensboro

1. If I go first, I hope you'll light a candle in my honor.
2. That's a good question... My guess would be around 50/50.
3. Yeah, smoking'll kill you, all right.
4. Well, at least we get to go out in a blaze of glory.
5. When it happens, I'll go peacefully... It's thinking about it meanwhile that's driving me nuts.
Andy Fielding, Richmond, BC, Canada
Loved number two, but our other judges didn’t flag it.

"Baby, don't let me light your fire."
"Do you get the feeling we almost burn-out."
"You don't expect me to 'put out', do you?"
"Odds are, you will be pick next since you are on the end."
"Are you trying to get close to me?"
"This is no time to put two heads together to try to escape."
James E. Ferrell, McLeansville

"Suddenly Sam's life FLASHED before his eyes!"
Jeff McKeever, Greensboro

"Two more strikes and we're out!"
Kelly Dabbs, Oak Ridge

1.)Do you smell weed?
2,)I wish he would get an air freshner for his bathroom!
3.)Stop telling everyone they look striking!
4.)Come on baby light my fire.
5.)I think romantic candlelight dinners are highly overrated.
6.)I hate it when she goes to the Yankee candle store!
7.)Only you can prevent forest fires.
8.)Well,secret santa won't be much fun this year.
9.)I hate it when he eats pintos!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

1- "Wooo, he sure does smoke a lot"
2- "Look, it's you or me babe"
3- "Come on, give me a hug before we part"
4- "Where all the kids go"
5- "Don't look at me, your next"
Ken Chambers, Greensboro

"I think they should put us on the endangered list"
C.D Cooper, Greensboro

" Wonder Who will be Fired Next ? "
" Can You Believe We Evolved from Two Sticks Rubbing Together ? "
" Heard Flint & Steel came out of retirement and are working for BIC ! "
" Flint & Steel Retired because of US ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

1. I hope you're not one of those flaming liberals.
2. What a match! We're both in advertising!
3. Is it hot in here or is it just me?
4. I can bake a cake from scratch.
5. Come on, baby, light my fire!
6. Aren't you worried about getting fired?
7. I hope he doesn't close the cover to strike. I'm claustrophobic!
8. Don't give me that old "we're a perfect match" line!
9. I thought you mailed the invitations!
10. Whaddaya mean, I'm a hot ticket?
11. Sigh! Everyone is out setting the world on fire but me.
12. You're no match for me!
13. I feel like I'm like all the others in your book.
14. No, I don't want to go to the company barbecue. There'll be a bunch of hot-heads there.
15. I'm not broke, but I could use a little scratch.
Peggy Clapper, Greensboro

I wish he would just flick his bic!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

So where did the others strike out to?
Two strikes and we're out of here.
You'd think it was the 4th of July.
Remember when we had huge family reunions at really nice restaurants?
We could be out of here by Thanksgiving -- Christmas at the latest.
Sure, as soon as he closes the cover.
Come on, baby, light my fire.
Joan Lux, Greensboro

Uh-oh. I smell birthday cake.
Second-hand smoke is no longer the top of our health issues---
I guess this is goodbye--he's having baked beans for dinner.
Kevin Little

"I'm about to find out if it's better to burn out or fade away."
"I'm about to go on strike!"
"Aww man, did he request the smoking section?"
"See you at that big smoking section in the sky."
"Hey, don't you know smoking's bad for you!"
"All I can do now is pray for rain."
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

"You were my perfect match, but I'm still gonna get burned."
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

42. What's that dufus Brewster up to now?
43. Dynomite!
44. But I don't want to set the World on Fire!
46. Come on Baby light my fire!
45. Stop, drop and roll!
46. It's Match Madness!
47. Help, Mom where are you?!
48. Quick, cover your head!
49. It doesn't pay to be a hottie!
50. It doesn't pay to be a hothead!
51. I'm about to combust!
52. She's about to ignite my flame!
Nancy Nelson

1. You don't strike me as being a Dr.
2. I feel a hot flash coming on.
3. I'll be leaving you soon.
4. When I said we should go on strike this is not what I meant.
5. We got a chance, he quit smoking yesterday.
6. Why would anyone want a lighter when they have us?
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden

1. You bear a striking resemblance to my old flame.
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden

1. I found you at match.com.
2. I'm glad we both visited match.com
3. We're a perfect match.
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden

" The polls say we're not a match "
JOHN W REAMES, GREENSBORO

1.)I hate it when the power goes out.
2)I've heard you see a bright light when you go.
3.)My parents wanted me to be a box match.
4.)So,you seeing anybody?
5.)Not even a last meal!
6.)Was it something we said?
7.)I hope she burns her fingers!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

I can see Claire Lee now that Lorraine has gone.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"If we don't want to go, do we go off strike?"
Dusty Schoch, High Point

"You didn't have to use match.com. I was here all along."
David Holley, Greensboro

"Smoking isn't just suicide. It's murder.
"I told you we should have started a union."
"I've decided to quit smoking."
"It's not fair--one strike and you're out."
"I regret that I have but one light to give."
"Where's a phillumenist when you need him?"
"I've been told I'm hot-headed."
Marsha Elam, Greensboro

"You must be Mix."
"Mix?"
"I heard you could wrestle."
Marsha Elam, Greensboro
"Mix?" "wrestle?"

"Have you noticed the high rate of burnout on this job?"
"No, I don't think you bounce back from something like this."
Marsha Elam, Greensboro, NC

"You know that it would be untrue..."
David Holley, Greensboro

"I thought he said BUD light?!?!?!?"
"No, no, no...I said BUD light!"
"I told him he should ease up on the Aqua Velva..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

On a lighter note ...
Everybody else is out on strike.
Not another 'strike here, strike now' joke.
"Billy Joel didn't start the fire, it was the rest of the pack."
Whew - she lit the last candle in the bathroom.
"I am glad Corbin Dallas gave up smoking.' (5th Element)
"The wind picked up - we get to see another day."
Jon Barsanti Jr

"Let's hope the nicotine gum works!!"
"With that cough, he won't need us for awhile, maybe never!
"You go next"
"I want to go out big, lighting a bonfire!!"
"Let's hope that was his last smoke!"
"Ooh, the book was just opened again!"
"Relax. He bought a new lighter!"
"Oh no, he is out of light fluid!"
"I hear we next go to the Big Ash Tray"
"What became of the other 18?'
"He said yes, I have a match, my ass and your face!!"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

1. Let's sing,"I don't want to set the world on fire."
2. Let's sing, "You light up my life."
3. I wish someone would close the cover I'm freezing.
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden

"I think we make a good match"
"I feel light headed"
"That's the last time I visit match.com"
"My head itches, but I'm afraid to scratch it"
"My doctor says if I do sit-ups, I'll feel the burn"
Craven Peay, Summerfield

I wish he would close the cover.I really didn't need to see that!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

1) I hear you struck out again!
2) Who opened the lid ? What do we do ? Strike up a song!
3) Are they coming after us because the others struck out?
4) I was told how striking I was! I guess that isn't a good thing !
5) You think it is going to hurt ? Yea ! Like a carpet burn!
6)Why do they call us a book when we don't have pages?

"Now that we're alone, I must say that I find you striking."
Kelley Vail, Greensboro

I thought I was signing up for Match.com!!
Marcia Berger, Greensboro

" So, are we a match, or what ?"
Which one of us will get fired ?
Looks like you'll be the last one to get fired
Let's keep the home fires burning
My life is but a flicker of light
Come on baby, light my fire
Lee Richmond, Jamestown

1. What would birthday candles be with us?
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden

"Two strikes & we're out" or "Now I lay me down to strike".
Bob Fuller – Greensboro

"I heard a rumor that when Sam got out of here, he really blew his top."
Kelley Vail, Greensboro

1.“SUDDENLY I DON’T WANT TO STRIKE OUT ON MY OWN”.
2.“I THOUGHT WHEN THEY SAID STRIKE THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT BASEBALL”.
3.“LUCKY STRIKE? WHAT’S LUCKY ABOUT RUBBING YOUR HEAD ON THAT LINE”?
4.“THAT’S ONE LINE I DON’T WANT TO CROSS”.
5.“I THOUGHT IT WAS THREE STRIKES AND YOU’RE OUT”.
Paula R. Hairston, GREENSBORO

1) " Do you have any idea how many matches die each year from smoking? "
2) " She found me in his coat pocket now I have to go to divorce court with her . "
3) " Match.com was a huge let down . "
4) " He died from spontaneous combustion. Come to think of it, we all die that way. "
5) " Just our luck, this guy's a chain smoker. "
6) " Go ahead Barack, we won't tell Michelle. "
7) " I'm to young to die !!! "
8) " Why do we have to die, he's the one who stunk up the bathroom ? "
9) " Odd thing is I could really use a cigarette. "
10) " Don't kid yourself, you have no idea what a hot flash is..yet !! "
11) " I don't care if you are the last match, I'm still not going out with you. "
12) " He's lighting his own WHAT ? "
13) " How many years have we been in that glove compartment ? "
14) " False alarm, he's just writing down her phone number. "
15) " It's okay, he's just picking his teeth. "
16) " See how he likes it when I burn the tips of his fingers. "
17) " It's a power outage, that means candles ! "
18) " Did he just say the pilot light went out ? "
19) " We have nothing to worry about, we've been through the washing machine. "
20) " Do you smell phosphorus are is that just me ? "
21) " Wonderful, this guy's a pyromaniac. "
22) " I don't think there is anyway they could charge us with arson. "
23) " Of all the places in the world, we have to live in the windy city. "
24) " People burn out in this job very quickly. "
25) " This strikes me as odd. "
Joel Clark, Greensboro

1.)Wow,I can't believe Smokey the Bear is a firebug!
2.)I hate those darn blue headed matches!
3.)Talk about your deathrows!
4)Not a big fan of scented candles
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

I QUIT!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"When is Lent?!"
"He's under stress. What about me?"
"I don't want to be the butt of any jokes this week."
"I thought this was a non-smoking cartoon."
"He's not using that leaky pen to write down that telephone number on us, is he?"
Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough

1) "Don't fret, sweetie--those hot flashes go away"
2) "It's OK, I'll probably go next"
3) "I hate to get that burned-out feeling!"
4) "You look strikng!"
5) "Alone at last!"
Bill Beerman, Greensboro

1.) I really need to start reading the job descriptions when I apply for work!
2.) He changed the subject when I asked about a retirement plan.
3.) I'm just gonna come out and say it.This job stinks!!!
4.)No pay and a painful death.Maybe we could do better.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

1. “Enough candles already!”
2. “Cool, fireworks!”
3. “I need a cigarette.”
4. “Don’t worry, he’s just playing around.”
5. “Doesn’t he know smoking is bad for my health?”
6. “They say the last thing you see is a bright white light.”
7. “No, she doesn’t need a light!”
8. “Sherlock Holmes, I presume.”
Tom Norman, Greensboro

"Hey buddy, got a light?"
"I think I know how this book will end."
"Look, he's trying a patch. We live another day."
"Remember, when you see the black paper, spit like crazy."
"I'm afraid it's not MatchLight, Fred, so it'll take both of us."
"That's either a really big cigar or the dog's on fire."
"Listen, we can talk and joke but we can't play."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

"I had no idea our heads could burst into flames."
"One windy day and we lose the whole family."
"I don't think they're coming back."
"I think I might be next."
"What are the chances he'll give up smoking?"
Brent " The Bridesmaid" Wooten, Thomasville
Ah, Brent. You’ve been the bride at least once.

"If I'm next, tell my wife I was only hot for her."
Barbara Cashman, Greensboro

I thought you locked the door!
No name given

Alone at last and you have a headache?
Charles Rowe, Thomasville

Come 'on Baby, light my fire!
Bettie Sharpe Rowe, Thomasville

"There was the flash of light and the next thing I know they're gone."
Frank Beamon, Greensboro

1.)Ok,I spy with my little eye....
2.)No offence Bob but I hope he picks from his right for once.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"It takes me a minute for my eyes to adjust to the light."
"Look, if things don't work out, I want to be cremated."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

53. We're weapons of mass destruction.
54. Are we weapons of mass destruction?
55. Redheads are hot!
56. Oh no, they're singing campfire songs!
57. They couldn't pay the light bill again!
58. When the weather outside is frightful ...!
Nancy Nelson

"If that cover doesn't close after they come for me, I'll see you in the ashtray."
"That sulfur me, Red."
"Hey, I can talk! What is that white thing hanging out of his..."
"If I see one more campaign commercial, I'm gonna light myself on fire!"
"No, stupid. We weren't made in heaven. That's where we'll be after they get the grill out."
Stephen Botts, Greensboro

“Looks like we’re about to go on strike.”
“I wish he’d use match.com for his flames.”
“There’s too much friction in our lives.”
Gray Amick, Greensboro

Since I’m still in a Halloween mood, next week’s cartoon stays in the same macabre spirit. It’s the headless horseman visiting a plastic surgeon.
Go nuts.

Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com

Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.

LAST WEEK'S CARTOON
I was afraid this would happen. I left you very little room for interpretation on this one so virtually all entries are within spitting distance of each other in many areas. Here’s where the little things like wording and timing counts most of all.

WINNER
"So how do you like your new job, Sis?"
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
This took a different take than all other captions. Simple. fits with the drawing.

RUNNERS-UP
"Ahhh, I see ve're in the same line of vork!"
Kris Voy, Trinity

“So you say you're having some difficulty obtaining a photo ID of me??"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro
Welcome back, CC. We've all missed you.

Of course I won’t bite. Professional courtesy.
J. C. Winkler, Asheboro

Can you give me some pointers?
Tribbett, Greensboro
Great stuff this week Tim. As usual.

"All of my assets are liquid."
Brent Wooten, Thomasville

“Match.com” really got it right this time!
Tennie Skladanowski, Greensboro

“What an honor! I’ve always admired your work!”
Kevin Little

"Are Ya Hirin'?"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

“Finally, someone I can take home to mother!“
Joel Clark, Greensboro

BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE
"...so he says Hocus, Pocus and I fall to the floor and land on my head!"
"Wait, Wait, Watch This...Abraca-Pocus!!!!'
Bob Mannary
Bob, you’ve watched waaayyyy too many Bugs Bunny cartoons. I should know.

"I made just One...ONE Dollar this year!! Ha, Ha, Ha..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro
… and Sesame Street.

Lets count 1, 2, 3, .....
Alan Parrish, Clemmons

"If I could pass on to my next life, I'd want to be an IRS agent." "Whew...imprisoned...I thought I was gonna be impaled."
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro
Paging Count Vlad ….

"OOHH this is scary kids."
(a la Count Floyd, SCTV, circa, 1983.)
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

1.)You're cold blooded but I'll check it and see.
( I got a fever of seventy-three)
Can I claim Van Helsing? The guy practically lives at my place!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Can I deduct my cane? I need it to beat poor Willy.
(have to be really old to get that one)
Terrible Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"Occupation ... I am a hemaphoresis specialist"
Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough
Basically, it means drawing blood …

Abracadabra not hocus pocus
(won't get that one I bet) Transylvanian Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
bet I will …

1,2,3,4 ...4 deductions hahahaha
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
Tim Tribbett, meet Bob Mannary, Bob, meet Tim …

BEST INSIDE JOKE
Our son Tim is doing editorial cartoons now!
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

BEST/WORST PUN
Can I have a bloodweiser
I need a blood-lite!
Nancy Nelson

But I’ve always filed as “Dead of household”
Bill Wallace, High Point

"I understand I owe some bat taxes."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

BEST CAPTION OBVIOUSLY MEANT FOR A PREVIOUS CARTOON
Ever had an itch you couldn't scratch?
Rich Stephenson
(for last week's match cartoon)

THE REST
Must I remind you, madam, that it is and always has been MY job to suck the life out of the people!
Cary Mullinnix, Trinity

1.)I'm applying for the graveyard shift.
2.)And you won't even have to pay me.
3.)There's no need to discuss a salary.
4.)When can I start!
5.)Wow, I thought I was the most heartless bloodsucker around!
6.)I prefer the night shift if possible.
7.)The taxes on that castle are like a stake in the heart!
Tim Tribbett, Greenboro

1. And they call me a bloodsucker!
2. I owe how many gallons...!
3. Since when did they start taxing the DEAD?
4. Lady, that's the scariest costume ever!
5. Can I pay in blood?
6. Well I'm presently unemployed!
7. How much credit can I get for a gallon of blood?
8. Did you know blood is thicker than water?
9. Well my investments went sour!
10. Don't be depressed things will get better.
11. You already have my blood, sweat and tears!
12. I need more time, I have to go to the bloodbank!
13. Haven't you heard we' re in a recession!
14. You have the most beautiful neck!
15. Can I take you out for a drink?
16. Bite me!
17. Did you say you only want me to bite the UNEMPLOYED?!
18. Can I take you for a bite?
Nancy Nelson

Ahh, you see, my dear, that's your mistake. I only make withdrawals.
Jay Moore, Jamestown

1.)You guys are my idols!
2.)Can you give me some pointers?
3.)You say you want to tax the blood I drink?
4.)I'm here for the night time position.
5.)You would make a great vampire dear!
6.)Wow,even I'm a little scared right now!
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

19. Can I take you out for a bite?
20. Fang it!
21. You are so beautiful to me!
22. After Halloween I'll have plenty of...!
23. I'm counting on a big turnout the evening of election day!
24. No, I do not eat people!
25. I'm a sucker just to be sitting here!
26. Hurry up lady, the sun is coming up!
Nancy Nelson

That's a charitable deduction for some surplus I gave to the Red Cross.
That's a loss deduction -- my blood bank stock was way down this year.
That's a loss deduction -- my blood bank stock has really taken a dive.
Joan Lux, Greensboro

"I've come to you for a few tips on blood-sucking."
"What do you mean I can't list my coffin as a deductible?"
Ken Layton, Carthage
The first one was one of the last contenders not to make it.

"I was born in Transylvania in 1855 and I've never been audited before."
Glenda Layton, Carthage

It's a loss deduction for a failed turnip farm -- you can't get blood . . . .
It's a loss deduction for my failed turnip farm startup.
The dental deductions are legit -- fang specialists aren't cheap.
No, no -- Transylvania in Europe, not North Carolina.
I like your looks -- are you an "O"?
It's not a costume -- these are my work clothes.
You're sucking the blood out of me!
Joan Lux, Greensboro

1) "And I thought I knew how to suck people dry!"
2) "I'd love to help you, but honestly you are better at this than I am"
3) "Wait wait...I have to pay property taxes on my coffin??"
4) "I owe back taxes from 1897??"
5) "Wow...that's alot...guess it's time to sell some blood again"
6) "If I donate blood, can I deduct that?"
7) "You will forget I filed late...you will forget I filed late...you will forget..."
8) "I think you'd be much more effective at grave robbing than Igor ever was"
9) "That's a lovely perfume you're wearing...money is it?"
10) "I swear, I didn't lie on my taxes. I really was born in 1430"
11) "I have a question. I didn't see a 'bat of household' option on my W-2"
Grady Saunders, Greensboro

27. This sucks!
28. You look ghoulicious.
29. I don't have a ghost of a chance do I?!
30. I'll be leaving like a bat out of hell!
31. Will this be a trick or a treat?
You're not Buffy are you?!
32. Now pumpkin, you're scaring me!
32. If this goes badly, I'll haunt you until the day you die!
Nancy Nelson

"I'm here to take what Wall Street hasn't"
Terry Brown, Pleasant Garden

33. I'm green with envy, at least you have a job!
34. With the high price of blood these days, I have to feed on humans!
35. With the slow economy everyone staying home at night.
36. Come out with me and we'll have a bloody good time!
37. What's that perfume you're wearing ,GARLIC!
38. What, you're putting a stake thru my heart!
Nancy Nelson

But how was I supposed to know, “Suck the life out of ‘em” was a cliché?
Skye Dalrymple, High Point

"And they call ME a Blood Sucker?!?!?"
"Always nice to meet a distant relative!"
"Oooh...Vickie...Your costume is MUCH scarier than mine this year!"
"Willie is going to FREAK when WE show up at Farm Aid this year!"
"Are Ya Hirin'?"
"Got any openings in auditing?"
"I made just One...ONE Dollar this year!! Ha, Ha, Ha..."
"The trips to Transylvania WERE for business!"
"...so he says Hocus, Pocus and I fall to the floor and land on my head!"
"Wait, Wait, Watch This...Abraca-Pocus!!!!'
"I understand your reluctance to stick your neck out for somebody like myself..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

Ethanol from corn makes a profit -- blood from turnips doesn't.
Joan Lux, Greensboro
Several "blood from turnips gags this week. The concept is a bit of a stretch.

1."You suck more life out people than I do, how can I get a job?"
2."How can you tax me for bleeding people dry, when you're the real blood suckers"
Paula R. Hairston, Greensboro
Nice

"I thought I was the one who sucks the blood out of people".
Paula Metts, Jamestown
Nice

"Well, my job is seasonal and the economy has hit me pretty hard....most people have already been sucked dry".
Hi, I'm Joe the Plumber. I make under $250,000 per year so I'm getting a tax cut, right?
"....and I thought I was the scary one".
"Hey, great costume....very scary".
Cheryl Lowe, McLeansville

"And they call me a bloodsucker!"
"It appears we're in the same business."
"You're just my bloodtype!"
"Sure, I'll pay another visit to Willie Nelson's house!"
"Death and taxes...there's gotta be a joke here somewhere!"
"So not even death exempts you from taxes!"
"The old adage is wrong, taxes is the ONLY thing that's certain!"
"I knew you had roots in Transylvania!"
"If I could pass on to my next life, I'd want to be an IRS agent."
"Whew...imprisoned...I thought I was gonna be impaled."
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro
The first two are very strong

"I Can't Deduct the Interest On My Coffin?"
Mark K McIntyre, High Point

Wanna join our union-the International Brotherhood of Bloodsuckers?
Of course I won't bite-professional courtesy.
J. C. Winkler, Asheboro

39. I'm not coffin up any more taxes!
40. The IRS is the bloodthirsty ghoul here!
41. I can fix it so you'll live forever!
42. I'll stake my life on that!
43. Would you mind taking that cross off while I'm here!
44. Let me reflect on that for a moment!
45. Do I look okay, I can't see myself in your mirror!
46. Sorry, I run the costume shop down the street!
47. Happy Halloween!
48. Got any candy?!
49. I'm running about a pint low!
50. Can I borrow your neck?!
51. I can see you sense my fear!
52. I feel a mist coming on!
53. If you let me go, I'll send you Obama and McCain to audit!
Nancy Nelson

" Oh man, girl, it is Halloween, but could you choose something less frightening next time?!"
Jordan Frye, Greensboro

"And now, my dear, we're going to play a game called role reversal where
I'll suck the blood from you......"
Kay Davis, Climax.

Read my lips, I did not cheat on my taxes.
Do I look like someone who would lie to you?
As the devil is my witness I am telling the truth.
How does a week end in Vegas sound?
Don Rankin, Greensboro

You mean I can't deduct expenses for Count Chocula?
Suzette Winkler, Asheboro

I have lots of "blood relatives". How many exemptions can I claim?
Are the "undead" required to file?
J. C. Winkler, Asheboro

IN SPEAKING FROM ONE BLOOD SUCKER TOO ANOTHER ...
Douglas Stanley

"But the agreement was, I will get their blood!"
Linda Parrish, Greensboro

"Bite me."
"This really bites."
"OOHH this is scary kids."
(a la Count Floyd, SCTV, circa, 1983.)
"Look into my eyes, yes, yes."
"I have a pine box full of receipts."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

1 - "But, you can't get blood out of a turnip."
2 - "What do you mean Halloweens been banned until I pay my taxas."
3 - "Can we work out a payment plan?"
4 - "Yea, Yea, can I see some paper work?"
5 - " I never heard of a Form 1040"
6 - "We can't lose the Best Costume contest if you go an IRS agent and I'll go as the Devil."
Kenneth Chambers

"We have so much in common!"
"Have you noticed how much we have in common?"
"I'm applying for the Internal Revenue Agent position."
"So my resume clinched it?"
"We'll make the perfect team! I'll bite them and you drain them dry."
"It's foolproof! I'll bite them and you drain them dry."
"I'm so glad you liked my resume!"
"We'll make the perfect team. I'll bite them and you drain them dry."
"It's foolproof. I'll bite them and you drain them dry."
"I'm so glad you liked my resume."
Marsha Elam, Greensboro
The first one was a strong contender

Is it true you people can get blood from a turnip?
I see neither one of us can go out in the sunlight.
No madam. I am not on a cereal box.
I assure you madam...anti-coagulant is a necessary business expense.
Now I know how it feels to get the bite!
Lets count 1, 2, 3, .....
$5,300 for dental work is a business expense.
Look into my eyes and repeat, "You get a refund this year".
Alan Parrish, Clemmons

It's sooo nice to meet another bloodsucker!
Tim Merritt, Jamestown

1.)Wow,I thought I was a heartless depraved bloodsucker!
2.)I would bite you but even I have some standards.
3.)Blood banks are taxable?
4.)You AB negatives are all alike!
5.)Yes,fang maintenance IS a business deduction and in a second I'll demonstrate why!!
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

1. How about I suck you dry for a change ?
2. Coincidentally I was an IRS agent when I was alive.
3. Boy ! I thought I was cold.
Does that stand for - I really suck ?
Bill Everhart, Greensboro

54. Boo!
55. Boo, who, who!
56. I'd like to do the Monster Mash with you.
57. Just gaze into my eyes!
58. Let me spirit you away to Transylvania!
59. Is that a hawthorn in your hair!
59. I'm Count Dracula, I don't make math mistakes!
60. Need a vacation, I'll fly you to Transylvania.
61. I Hope you'll be quick, I have a dental appointment at 7 pm.
62. Be afraid be very afraid!
(35) With the slow economy everyone's staying at home at night.
63. Hurry up, it's time for my coffin break!
64. Good you're not wearing any metal!
65. This is ghastly!
66. How macabre!
67. Give me liberty or give me death!
68. The UNDEAD don't have to pay taxes, do they?!
Nancy Nelson

1.)You're cold blooded but I'll check it and see.
2.)How about stepping out for a bite?
3.)Let me show you why fang maintenance is a legitimate deduction!
4.)Ima Longneck,what a lovely name!
5.) I would turn you into a heartless bloodsucker but that would be redundant.
6.)Can I claim Van Helsing?The guy practically lives at my place!
7.)Sun block is a legitimate deduction!
8.)Yeah,Tomb of Dracula was a great comic!
(I prefered Werewolf by Night)
1.)Carfax Abbey is my vacation home for biting English chicks.
2.)That head chopper Van Helsing cost me three dependents!
3.)If I find their heads can I still claim them?
4.)Wow, 500 years of back taxes really adds up !
5.) In my day I found impalement to be a very effective means of discouraging tax evasion!
Terrifying Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

1.)Welcome to your first day at the IRS training academy.
2.)So,after you drain the blood you leave the lifeless corpse to rot. Any questions?
3.)Look into my eyes.You will not audit me (and you think bugs are delicious.)
4.)Can I deduct my cane? I need it to beat poor Willy. (have to be really old to get that one)
Terrible Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

"Do my deductions....frighten you?"
"Let me help you with that paper cut."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

1.)After you take an arm and a leg I get to drain their blood.Deal?
2.)Wow,your Halloween costume is much scarier than mine!
3.)Does that stand for Insatiable Reticulocyte Sucker?
4.)Wow,you guys suck more than I do!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

" But it was a Transfusion, Not a Transaction ! "
" My Favorite Acronym is RIP ! "
" I'd like to get my Teeth into This ! "
" You people always make my Blood Pressure Go Up ! "
" But my Bloodmoblie is used for Donations Only ! "
" It takes a Bloodsucker to know one ! "
" We're both just a couple of Bloodsuckers ! "
" All my Blood Count Work is Pre-Tax ! "
" Yes, I use alot of RED INK ! "
" I Stay in the RED ! "
" All my Accounts are in the RED ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

But . . . but . . . I owe everything to Bram Stoker.
I LOVE a woman in a high-falutin' government job costume.
Joan Lux Greensboro NC

Here's the deal. First, you suck them dry. Then give 'em to me and I'll
REALLY suck them dry.
My tax deferred retirement account is at the blood bank.
I don't get it. You're not that scary.
Noelle Polson, Jacksonville, FL

"Before we start, would you like a bite?!"
"My accountant, Igor, handles my affairs"
"The metal mesh vest is a legitimate deduction"
"My workplace? I work worldwide, alone and at night"
"Last year? I haven't filed for 2000 years!"
"I am pleased to see you wear no jewelry!"
"Help with audits? I certainly can especially in rural areas"
"Yes, I can help the IRS with Public Relations"
"Movie revenues? My dear those were paid actors. My reward was "liquid" refreshment"
Transylvania? That's an old address. I currently reside in Greensboro, NC
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

"Ahhh, vunderful...the dating service results call us highly compatible."
"Ahhh, I see we're in the same line of work!"
"Ahhh, I see ve're in the same line of vork!"
"Does IRS stand for I'm Really Scrumptious?"
"No, I don't look for tax loopholes. Just prominent veins."
"Is parasitism a taxable job now?"
"You expected an honest opportunist? "
"That's an oxymoron... honest opportunist."
"This is ingenious. It really thins the lunch crowds during Market."
Kris Voy, Trinity

"Out of professional courtesy I will ask you which side of the neck you want me to bite."
"We bloodsuckers have to stick together."
"My Garlic allergy therapy is a business expense ..."
The trips to Transylvania are valid business expenses ...
"I work from my crypt - I mean crib ..."
"I needed an early withdrawal from my wife ... wife's 401k ..."
"Occupation ... I am a hemaphoresis specialist"
Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough

1) "I gave it all to the Witches Benevolent Fund".
2) "Lost every penny when the Blood Bank failed".
3) "Honest, vampiring has been lousy all year".
Bill Beerman, Greensboro

1.) I just love being in the presence of great evil!
2.)We're a good team. After you visit they are very willing for me to end it all.
3.)Yum,a MILB.
4.)I'm a count! Don't I have some sort of diplomatic immunity?!
5.)Abracadabra not hocus pocus.(won't get that one I bet)
1.)You want my autograph?How flattering!
2.) 1,2,3,4 ...4 deductions hahahaha
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
1,2,3,4....4 false deductions hahahahaha
Torpid Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

I would turn you into a cold hearted blood sucking ghoul but someone has beaten me to it.
Tim Tribbett, Ghoulsboro

"What an honor! I've always admired your work!"
Kevin Little

" Do You Have a STAKE in this ? "
" Our Figures Aren't Far Apart, let's Meet in the Middle ! "
" We're Both a Couple of Bloodsuckers ! "
" You do mean S-T-E-A-K for lunch ? "
" Like a BITE for Lunch ? "
" Let's me show you my COUNT now ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

" Costumes look great. Let's go trick or treat. "
" Would you lean over a little closer ?"
" Would you mind if I give you a little peck on the neck ?"
" It's a bloody job, but somebody's gotta do it ."
" Yes, my job is very taxing !"
" I work mostly the night shift ."
" Yes, I am very much a people person ."
" Are you thirsty too ?"
" May I get you a bloody Mary ?"
" Yes, my dad told me to get a real job ."
" Yes, they are very sharp. Are you free tonight ?"
" My favorite music group ? Blood, Sweat and Tears, of course ."
Lee Richmond, Jamestown

Who says the IRS isn't friendly? You agreed to this midnight meeting.
HAPPY Halloween -- great government-job costume, by the way.
We'll have fun at the Halloween party IF you don't say what you're dressed as.
Is that a pick-up line on your briefcase?
So you want my blood too?
Joan Lux, Greensboro

71. Spooky!
72. I need a blood-lite!
73. Can I have a bloodweiser?
74. Would you like to go out with me to see "The Diary of the Living Dead"- Zombies?
75. Can I take you to the Monster Prom this Friday evening!
76. I'm getting the most eerie feeling.
77. You're giving me the hebby jebbies!
78. You're not scaring me!
79. I'm sorry to hear about your black cats' demise!
80. I hear dead people!
81. Scream all you want, everyone else has already left!
Nancy Nelson

1.)So,can I see you again sometime?
2.)Would you like to join our army of ghouls?
3.)You're the best ghoulfriend I've ever had!
4.)Our son Tim is doing editorial cartoons now!
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

"I understand I owe some bat taxes."
"Oh, and I would like to give a dollar to the presidential fund."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

"But I've always claimed my victims as dependents."
Bob Langlais, Kernersville

"Now that that's over, how 'bout a bite?"
"I'm afraid all I have is blood money?"
"No he's not my son but I raised him."
"How can I owe any bat taxes?"
"But I would never miss a deadline!"
"So how do you like your new job, sis?"
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

1. “Let’s join forces. You take away their will to live, then I’ll take their blood.”
2. “The way you can make the blood drain from a person’s face is just awesome!”
3. “Why don’t you just put a stake through my heart?”
4. “My accountant refuses to work at night.”
Tom Norman, Greensboro

1-Ah, they sent me a woman. You're more al dente.
2-Transylvania, Europe, not Transylvania County, N.C.
3-How do you like my toothy smile?
4-You can't get blood out of a turnip, nor me either.
5-In my line of work dental bills are a business expense.
6-My return is correct & I approve of this statement!
7-I don't cheat on taxes: the stakes are not in my favor.
8-Are you trying to put the bite on ME?!
Max Harless, High Point

1) " I'm not used to someone being able to scare me. "
2) " I agree, a soul just gets in the way of the work. "
3) " I have to turn down the job. There's some things even a vampire won't do. "
4) " Did it just get really cold in here ? "
5) " That was the coldest blood I've every had. "
6) " Finally, someone I can take home to mother ! "
7) " It's so nice to meet a fellow blood sucker !!! "
8) " Judging by your outfit, I see mirrors are no use to you either. "
9) " Scary costume. "
10) " We are more alike than you would think. "
11) " Yes, I really need that coffin for work. "
12) " Is $ 10,000 dollars for sun screen considered a lot ? "
13) " That's Count Chocula, C - H - O - C - U - L - A .
14) " You didn't hear it from me but you know who cheats on their taxes, the Wolfman ! "
15) " I run a nice little Coffin and Breakfast . "
Joel Clark, Greensboro

You have done well my loyal and faithful servant.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

71. Spooky!
72. I need a blood-lite!
73. Can I have a bloodweiser?
74. Would you like to go out with me to see "The Diary of the Living Dead"- Zombies?
75. Can I take you to the Monster Prom this Friday evening! 76. I'm getting the most eerie feeling.
77. You're giving me the hebby jebbies!
78. You're not scaring me!
79. I'm sorry to hear about your black cats' demise!
80. I hear dead people!
81. Scream all you want, everyone else has already left!
Nancy Nelson

82. Creepy!
83. Jeepers creepers where?d ya get those peepers!
84. Which witch are you?
85. Those monster kids are gobbling up all the candy corn!
Nancy Nelson

1. It appears I'm not the only blood sucker.
2. How can I owe taxes? I only work one hour a night.
3. You have a great looking neck!
4. It's a deduction because I donated it all to the blood bank.
5. When did they start taxing blood?
6. Why isn't tooth sharpening a tax deduction?
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden
Nice - the first one

"Baby, when was the last time you had your neck sucked... ohhh! I mean tucked."
"Fresh meat"
"Come on, you are not really wearing a mask?"
"About that large dental deduction...... "
"You look fresh, can I take you out for a bite."
"I would love to take you out for a bite."
What do you mean, blood donations are not deductible."
" That $150,000 was for make-up and clothes."
"I went to a Party and they said I could deduct $150,000 for a cloth
allowance."
"A date with the IRS."
James E. Ferrell, McLeansville

"Now that that's over, how about a quick bite."
"No he's not my son, but I practically raised him."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

This speed dating really works.
Charles Thomas

"I admire your work."
"All of my assets are liquid."
"I can explain all the blood banks."
"The dating site said we would be the perfect match."
Brent Wooten, Thomasville

Can I offer you some blood?
Tim Tribbett,greensboro

My caption is : " Audit ? Don't be O-negative !!!! "
Joel Clark, Greensboro

"We get the deductions for sunscreen, manicures, frequent dental cleanings....but for Silver???"
"Don't you think owning an ambulance company is a conflict of interest?"
"First off, my friend Wesley Snipes says to say Hi! "
"I realize now that I probably shouldn't have let Mr.Snipes do my taxes last year."
"So you say you're having some difficulty obtaining a photo ID of me??"
"OK, let me see if you've heard this one...'Name two monsters that suck.' "
"Ok, here's one...'How is a vampire like the IRS?' "
Here's my entry for this week's cartoon:
"No, No, I assure you that 'Blood Money' is a legitimate deduction."
"The way I see it, we're both out for blood!"
"Of Course I haven't filed since 1899! I've been dead since then!!"
"Since when do Vampires have to abide by human laws?"
"Just how many coffins am I allowed to deduct."
"That column is for coffin renovations."
"Yes, I've read 'IRS Audits for DUMMIES'...Why do you ask??"
"Well, most of my jobs have been nocturnal."
"You probably haven't seen me around because I usually work third shift."
"Thanks for agreeing to meet me at night. My skin is sensitive to the sun,"
"Thanks for agreeing to meet me at night; I tend to burn so easily."
"My company is called 'Fangs For The Memories'... we do mostly Scrapbooking."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

86. You're such a wicked witch!
87. Your eyes are beWITCHing!
88. Can't you bail me out!
89. I have the perfect bloodspot remover!
90. We're the perfect match!
91! You're FREAKing me out!
92. Can't SCREAM can ya?!
93. What's that I smell brewing in your cauldron?!
Nancy Nelson

"Match.com" really got it right this time!
Tennie Skladanowski, Greensboro

“I guess you could say we both make a living by sucking the blood out of folks.”
“Sorry, I know these things can be a pain in the neck.”
“I realize my activity isn’t mirrored in my receipts.”
“I can assure you I never got a dime from my work with the community blood drive.”
“All my withdrawals occur at night.”
“I can assure you that the $5,000 Crest Whitestrips expense is a legitimate business deduction.”
"I can assure you the IRS monitors all Counts."
Gray Amick, Greensboro

SNAIL MAIL
“You guys make me look like an amatuer!”
Bill Wallace, High Point

“Can I make payments by the pint?”
Bill Wallace, High Point

“C’mon, we’d be a bad dream team.”
Frank Freeman, Greensboro.
these three are here because they made my short list