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This week’s theme is inspired by the recent election (although captions do NOT have to be about this election.) You can write dialog or a caption. If dialog, specify which President(s) is talking.

Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com

Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.

LAST WEEK'S CARTOON
Once again no consensus -- every judge picked different captions. You guys are either getting better at writing captions or we’re getting worse at picking them. Some great Sleepy Hollow captions in this week’s Best Cultural References section on the JOY blog. As well as a few very funny gags in the MATURE category, mostly from the Tribbett brothers.

WINNER
I’m an organ donor. If things go bad, just make a pie.
Bill Wallace, High Point

RUNNERS-UP
Just turn it around and start over.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

I want a less seasonal look.
Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough

“It’s okay. I’m used to going under the knife.”
Don Byers

"During the operation, I think you left a candle in me."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

“Doc, I feel a little light headed.”
Noelle Polson, Jacksonville FL

"Everything's fine...until my horse gets hungry."
Ian Knight, Greensboro

"There's something wrong with my face? I just came in to get a wart off my finger."
Ken Layton, Carthage

Oh, I'm not here about the pumpkin. I'm thinking gluteal implants.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE
Too many “Linus” jokes to list

"It would've worked too if it wasn't for those meddling kids!"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

"So does Penny ever ask about me?"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro
Is this from the poem?

"This really isn't what I meant by George Hamilton's skin color..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

"You come highly recommended from County Agent Hank Kimble."
Gray Amick, Greensboro

Alton Brown said you did a great job with Mr. Potato Head ...
Jon Barsanti Jr., Hillsborough, NC

And now for some Sleepy Hollow references …
My name is "Bones," "Brom Bones."
Katrina has tired of my scaring little children.
Joan Lux, Greensboro

Yah, I used to be a verry handzome Hessian zoldier until the Yankees cut off mine head.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

Can you make house calls?You see there's this covered bridge
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

It's not your reputation, it's just that I don't have to cross any bridges to get here."
Gray Amick, Greensboro

And the movie …
"Can you give me any features that look a little more Hessian?"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"Just don't let my teeth show thru like they did for Christopher Walken."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro
I’ll let CC herself explain this one …
When the Headless Horseman is about to kiss Catrina's stepmother, you can see his actual teeth behind the filed ones. Christopher Walken's teeth are blacked out and their outline is visible against his tongue during the closeup of his face.

"This is overdue...Did you see me next to Johnny Depp?
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

BEST INSIDE JOKE
"Are you the same one who worked on Mr. Potato Head a few weeks ago?"
Ian Knight, Greensboro
Good one, Ian

"This shoulda been last week's Joke!"
Bill Beerman
You too, Bill

BEST CAPTION FOR A MATURE AUDIENCE
You should see where the zuccinni is.
Bryan Tribbett

I'm fine with the pumpkin but I would like to upgrade the baby carrot.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"So the procedure left me with a low seed count?"
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

1) Pull my finger and see if you smell pumpkin
2) and my father said " Hey its just a pumpkin and no one will ever know."
TRIBB, Roanoke, Va.

...and my Dad was lonely one night and thought " Hey, it just a pumpkin and no one would ever know".
TRIBB, Roanoke, Va.

POETRY CORNER
There once was a Hessian called Stanky,
Whose head was shot off by a yankee,
He now roams Sleepy Hollow seeking revenge,
That dude will cut off your noggin in a blood soaked binge,
But after a good tiring head chopping horse chase,
He thinks,"Why the crap did I ever leave Germany in the first darn place?!"
name withheld

THE REST
1.)Do you really think a boob job will help?
2.)Please don't give that stuck in a wind tunnel look
3.)If you're going to make me look like Joan Rivers I think I prefer the pumpkin
4.)Everytime I make out with a chick they get a mouthful of seeds.
5.)Can you at less take out the seeds.
6.)Nothing major,just even up the mouth a little.
7.)After Halloween this gets to be a bit of a bummer.
8.) First,we chop off Brad Pitt's head and put it in an ice chest then.......
9.) Can you make the eyes oval?Who has triangles for eyes for cripes sake!
10.)Can you do something about the smell?
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
Lot's of good stuff, Tim

1.)I'm just riding along minding my own business and they start screaming and running! (sniff)
2.)They keep calling me pumpkin head Doc!
3.)Just turn it around and start over.
4.)This is what happens when you let a kid carve your face!
5)Can you at least give me a nose and ears?
6.)I'm tired of people putting candles in my head!
7.)I'm not the happy go lucky guy people think I am!
8.)It's really hard to get new pumpkins out of season!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"I can't seem to get ahead in life, doc."
"Is this do-able.or am I out of my gourd?"
"The name is Jack O. Lantern. Pleased to meet you."
"I don't want to live life as a vegetable."
"The last guy butchered the job on my face. Can you do anything?"
"It's okay. I'm used to going under the knife."
"Is looking good once a year too much to ask?"
"Will Botox take out some of these deep lines?"
Don Byers, Greensboro
Some good ones here

1. This head isn't working, it's too seasonal!
2. Linus saw me in the pumpkin patch this year!
3. I thought you were a plastic surgeon!!
4. This head is starting to smell bad.
5. I'm tired of being called melon head.
6. It's hot in here!
7. Everyone's trying to knock it off!
8. I need you to smash it!
9. First no head, now pumpkin head!
10. I wanted a plastic head not this thing!
11. Don't you have one that looks more like you?!
12. Linus is my biggest fan!
13. Linus thinks I'm the Great Pumpkin!
Nancy Nelson

"Everyone keeps calling me Jack! My name is Barack!
Dennis Kays, Greensboro

14. Would you please stop snickering !
15. It's not that funny!
16. It's stuck and I need you to remove it!
17. Knock it off!
18. Now you're just being RUDE!
Nancy Nelson

I would like to look like a Turkey.
Don Rankin, Greensboro

19. Instead of being a legend, I'm just hollow!
20. What's next a Turkey head with feathers?!
21. It's just too heavy!
22. No, I do not want to gobble!
Nancy Nelson

"It doesn't really matter how it got there, just get it off..."
"It was a dare...Alright?!?!?"
"Given my choices at the time I think this works MUCH better than the Turkey..."
"...he said it wouldn't fit and I said it would fit and here we are..."
"I tried corn first but I couldn't see through all the birds..."
"Well I started with a squash but everyone just pointed and laughed..."
"The look is just so dated....now they have these great pumpkin carving kits..."
"...and the neighborhood kids are mean...they call me 'Pits For Brains'"
"Well how would this make YOU feel?"
"Nope...Fruit Fresh doesn't help one bit..."
"Carrot Top said you were the best in the business so here I am."
"It would've worked too if it wasn't for those meddling kids!"
"So does Penny ever ask about me?"
"So did you get to keep the robot or did he stay with Will?"
"I'm interested in a tummy tuck, why...what did you THINK I was here for?"
"I've tried the Petroleum Jelly route but it makes my head so slippery..."
"Well, the bottle said that if it lasted more than 4 hours I should seek medical attention..."
"It was a Kite-Eating Tree and I was HORRIFIED."
"...and grapes don't seem to work very well on the sunny days..."
"Any chance you could get me Michael Jackson's nose?"
"I don't think my last Botox injections are working too well..."
"I was hoping to maybe get a chemical peel?"
"This really isn't what I meant by George Hamilton's skin color..."
"I'm not really sure HOW many pumpkins it takes to make a pie...why?"
"Is there any chance I can keep it? My wife loves to bake this time of year."
"Every time my wife preheats the oven I get worried so it's time for a change..."
"NO! Not the guy from the Charlie Brown cartoon..."
"Yeah...I've tried Pumpkin Fresh but you can only get it online and I'm in a hurry..."
"If one more kid puts a candle in my butt I'm afraid I'm gonna hurt somebody..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

"Brad Pitt? I'd settle for Boris Karloff."
Ken Layton, Carthage
"There's something wrong with my face?. . . I just came in to get a wart off my finger."
Ken Layton, Carthage

With all that political talk about change, I thought what the heck, it might work for me too.
Pam Hart, Siler city

Hair plugs are all I need, don't you think?
So what color with the bruising be?
I picked you, Doctor, because you did Kenny Rogers.
I'm in show biz -- a punkin rock band.
And then a dentist to fix my snaggle teeth.
My parents called me "Punkinhead" -- and then it came true.
I guess I'm just tired of being called "pumpkinhead."
I've already tried all those expensive eye creams.
I don't like the triangular shape of my eyes.
Joan Lux Greensboro

" Fix'n Me Doc, Should Be Easy As Pie ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

1.)I can't pay you but you can use the leftovers for a pie.
2.)The other doctors gave me your name and then laughed.
3.)Can I see photos of previous carvings?
4.)Just a little off the stem please.
5.)Nose job? Heck man ,I need a head job!
6.)Just try something.You really can't make this much worse!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"I've actually been under the knife before"
"My last procedure was a hack job!"
"No, no...all I want is a little botox."
"This is overdue...Did you see me next to Johnny Depp?
"I've got a new job and the headless bus driver doesn't click."
"Does it look like I care about the risk?"
"It'll cost what - you must've lost YOUR head!"
"What do you mean, you're a doctor not a magician?"
"I don't want anything radical like Michael Jackson got."
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro
Some good ones here

So what color will the bruising be?
Joan Lux Greensboro

"Doc, I'm a little light headed."
"When I said I wanted to look like Jack I meant Jack Black, not Jack O Lantern."
"When I said I wanted to look like Jack I meant Jack Black."
"I want a nose and some ears Doc, so my glasses stay on."
"My wife complains because I keep losing my head".
Noelle Polson, Jacksonville, FL

"No more candles, doc, I want a permanent facial glow!"
"Everything's fine...until my horse gets hungry."
"Last plastic surgery, I got mistaken for a Trick-or-Treat bag."
"Are you the same one who worked on Mr. Potato Head a few weeks ago?"
Ian Knight, Greensboro

"Yes, I know that I mentioned that I'd like to be a Vegetarian, but this isn't what I had in mind!!!"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"Let's face it Doc...'Punkin' Head' was a lot more enduring when I was a child."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

1.) Do you really think a watermelon would look better?
2.) I'd like to change to a flaming skull to go with my new motorcycle.
3.)Maybe something else in the squash family?
4.)Nothing against Mrs.Hansen's 2nd grade class but I think you can probably do better!
5.) I have a few fresh heads outside if you would like me to model them.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

1) "This shoulda been last week's Joke!"
2) "Im loosing it--couldn't find my patch"
3) "I'm just a left-over"
4) "No tricks--just treat me!"
5)"Can you make a pie outta me?
Bill Beerman
Number 5 was on the right track …

1) I was thinking more of a watermelon look.
2) And when your done feel free to make a pie from the left overs.
3) People accuse me of having a spray on tan.
4) I just don't feel people accept me the way I am.
5) It's probably more noticable to me.
6) You should see where the zuccinni is.
7) I'm just tired of people calling me Jack.
8) Just some ears, nobody remembers the ears.
9) Why are you looking at me that way? your thinking about pie again aren't you??
10) If I looked normal I would probably give up this whole beheading thing
TRIBB, Roanoke, Va.

I was a normal guy before I went to Michael Jackson's plastic surgeon!
2.) So,how are you at head transplants?
3.)When you say eyelift it makes me think you're missing the big picture.
4.) I used to throw it a people but they're hard to replace out of season.
5.) I will have to chop your head off after the surgery. No offense,it's just what I do.
6.) I'm sure you must have carved jack o lanterns as a kid.
7.)Can you carve a smile? I've had anger management classes.
8.) I usually have my cosmetic surgery done at the grade school.
9.) It's hard to get on a plane with this head on a photo ID.
10.)What kind of implants did you have in mind?
11.) I really don't think a tummy tuck will help.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"It feels like I'm being taunted 364 days out of the year."
"I brought a template to go by."
"I'm just tired of being considered "Great"."
"I want softer, less angular features."
"Can I draw what I want on the back of your head?"
"I'm just afraid as I fade, I'll look more "squashy"."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
Nice stuff

Oh, I'm not here about the pumpkin.I'm thinking gluteal implants.
2.)I'm fine with the pumpkin but I would like to upgrade the baby carrot.
3.)What do you mean work on my head ?What's wrong with my head?!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Ifs hardth ta talkth wifh thiss moupth ands no tonguest
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

How can I see whose head I'm chopping? I have no freakin' eyeballs!!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Please change my head.Some weird little kid with a blanket is stalking me!!!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"Let's do an acorn squash---so people don't think I'm completely off my gourd."
I don't want it enhanced -- I want it OFF.
My insurance company says this is elective surgery.
Joan Lux Greensboro

I've been working for more than two centuries to get insurance approval.
And you could share it with the operating room staff.
I'm a patient man . . . and long-lived as well.
But think of all the free advertising if you pull this off.
My name is "Bones," "Brom Bones."
Katrina has tired of my scaring little children.
I'm sure you've heard all of this before . . . .
Joan Lux Greensboro

"Given the economy, let's go with genuinely frightened."
"During the operation, I think you left a candle in me."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

I've worked for more than two centuries to get insurance approval.
And no press releases -- I'm traveling incognito.
And you could share it with the operating room staff.
I'm a patient man . . . and long-lived as well.
Think of the free advertising if you pull this one off.
My names is "Bones," "Brom Bones."
Katrina is tired of my scaring children . . . and some adults.
But I'm sure you've heard all of this before.
And I'll let you use my personal pumpkin-carving tool kit.
Joan Lux Greensboro

1.)My mom was a pumpkin and my dad was a really drunken sailor.
2.)Yah, I used to be a verry handzome Hessian zoldier until the Yankees cut off mine head.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

1) I was thinking more of a watermelon look.
2) And when your done feel free to make a pie from the left overs.
3) People accuse me of having a spray on tan.
4) I just don't feel people accept me the way I am.
5) It's probably more noticable to me.
6) You should see where the zuccinni is.
7) I'm just tired of people calling me Jack.
8) Just some ears, nobody remembers the ears.
9) Why are you looking at me that way? you're thinking about pie again aren't you??
10) If I looked normal I would probably give up this whole beheading thing
TRIBB, Roanoke, Va.

I was thinking of going with a painted on face.
2.)Mr. Irving originally did my face but his work was a little sketchy
3.)A cannon ball knocked off my head and all I got was this lousy pumpkin!
Can you make house calls?You see there's this covered bridge....
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

1.) It's hard to get a head in life when you look like this!
2.)The guys at the produce section know me by name.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

The only upside is I only have two "S"s to take care of in the morning.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

23. I look ridiculous, don't I?!
24. Unbelieveable, right?!
25. I got more dates when I was Headless!
26. What do you mean I smell like pumpkin pie!
27. I have a real problem, everyone wants to put candles in me!
28. Doc, I'm getting headaches now!
29. I'm a soldier I deserve respect!
30. I need a do-over!
31. My horse even neighs at me!
32. Can I have a brain, hair, eyeballs, a nose, teeth, a tongue...?!
Nancy Nelson

" I want my money back."
" You only heard part. I asked for stem CELLS."
" Was this your first Halloween operation?"
" I said to work on my SQUASH, not pumpkin."
" I was kidding when I said trick or treat."
Lee Richmond, Jamestown
I liked the first one. Silly.

"A Zoltar Machine was in the pumpkin patch. I asked for a new head!"
"I found this Zoltar Machine in the pumpkin patch"
"Strange cider. Fell asleep then work up like this"
"Our family has this unusual gene..."
"The Great Pumpkin did this!"
"The seeds are driving me crazy!"
"This is a bad carving, I wanted a smile"
"I would like to add a nose"
"I would like a nose job, a need one"
"Can you transplant heads or at least do a face off"
"The face cream can from a remote Wicca shop"
"The Halloween face cream was on special!"
"I don't like "Pumpkin Head". Can you replace it with a large zucchini?"
"I decided in haste that we Cranes has been headless too long"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

"Doc, I feel a little light headed."
Noelle Polson, Jacksonville, FL

I want a less seasonal look.
I was a potato head, now a pumpkin head, I want to be a Quince.
I want to look like Ichabad Crane
I want a smile that goes up - and some straighter teeth.
Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough

"Granny's already called my old head for pumpkin pie!"
"Ever since the cutlass accident, I'm a little scared about going under the knife."
"There's a downside, Doc. All the headhunters will stop calling."
"You're planning to take the skin from WHERE?"
"Do you think this will ruin my image?"
Kris Voy

I am waiting to see who wins the election
I am getting ready for Four years on SNL
I am looking for a Potato Head look
Nearly Headless Nick is my ideal look
A butternut squash nose will make me look like Jimmy Durante ...
Alton Brown said you did a great job with Mr. Potato Head ...
I am going for a Michael Jackson transformation ... sans fire.
Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough

"So the procedure left me with a low seed count?"
"Happy Birthday!"
"C'mon doc, you're making me blush."
"Well, now I have this burning sensation."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

1) Pull my finger and see if you smell pumpkin
2) and my father said " Hey its just a pumpkin and no one will ever know."
3) Your name isn't Peter Peter by any chance is it?
TRIBB, Roanoke, Va.

" Awww, come on Doc - you promised - - you gotta fix it
This look is passe - - besides, my 'all-spice ' has expired!!
Pat Vaughn, Madison

"So none of my seeds could be saved?"
"Can we try a chemical peel?"
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

There once was a Hessian called Stanky,
Whose head was shot off by a yankee,
He now roams Sleepy Hollow seeking revenge,
That dude will cut off your noggin in a blood soaked binge,
But after a good tiring head chopping horse chase,
He thinks,"Why the crap did I ever leave Germany in the first darn place?!"
name withheld

So if we can make the change into a turnip before Thanksgiving, I think I might have a chance.
I've been terrified ever since I moved in next door to Peter Peter. What are my options?
You just carved my face before Halloween and already my eyes and mouth are sagging.
And you think a prosthetic nose will make me look more natural?
My brother Mr. Potato Head is the lucky one. He came with spare parts.
Tony Hummel, Reidsville

"I'd like something a little less festive."
"I'm looking for something smaller.. maybe a gourd."
"I went a little overboard with the carving knife. Can you fix it?"
"Michael Jackson says you're the best."
Brent Wooten, Thomasville

...and my Dad was lonely one night and thought " Hey, it just a pumpkin and no one would ever know".
TRIBB, Roanoke, Va.

"I've heard what you've done for Jack Frost, the Bearded Lady, and Pamela Anderson."
"You were right, you warned me about getting too much sun."
"It flares up every year around this time."
"Sure, I burn the candle at both ends."
"You come highly recommended from County Agent Hank Kimble."
Gray Amick, Greensboro

It's not your reputation, it's just that I don't have to cross any bridges to get here."
Gray Amick, Greensboro

"So you see Doc, I'd like to keep the basics since I'm pretty famous, but can you give me more character?"
"Can you give me any features that look a little more Hessian?"
"I've seen your work; can you give me the 'Michael Jackson' nose?"
"Well, it's got to be durable because I do a show a night where my head goes up into flames."
"Well, it's got to be durable because I do a nightly show where my head goes up into flames."
"The only person I can think of that might remember what I looked like is Ichabod Crane."
"In Sleepy Hollow, they say you're the best."
"Well, my insurance is a Military HMO, but it's Hessian, so I doubt you're in network."
"I'd like something that makes me look smart and happy, but not goofy, with lots of emotion, but not seasonal... probably what you get everyday."
"I'd like something with lots of expression, but not seasonal."
"I'd like something timeless, but not seasonal."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"Just don't let my teeth show thru like they did for Christopher Walken."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"Let's face it Doc...'Punkin' Head' was a lot more enduring when I was a child."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"And I said to my barber "I want a little off the top."
"Can you help? I feel so empty inside."
Tennie Skladanowski, Greensboro

" Sorry, Pumpkinhead."
"Doctor, I need some lips."
" It not that funny."
James E. Ferrell, McLeansville

Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com

Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.

LAST WEEK'S CARTOON
I get it now. You guys do better when I give you less to work with. Another great collection of captions. I had to be brutal paring down the entries into a shortlist for our judges or it wouldn’t have been a short list. Looks like I’ll have to try harder to give you unimaginative images to work from. I think I can pull it off, though. Oh, and Christian Pike of Siler City, you’re a hoot! Your comment on your Dad’s serial forgetfulness gave me my best laugh of the day. (see below)

WINNER
(Roosevelt) “Twitter entry for today, ‘still staring at Lincoln. Still hasn’t noticed yet’”
Grady, Greensboro
The first general consensus winner we've had in a while.

RUNNERS-UP
(Jefferson) “I can see Russia from here.”
Tom Norman, Greensboro

(Teddy) We were lonely, it was dark. Let us not speak of the matter again.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

(George) Thomas, for the last time, GET YOUR HEAD OFF MY SHOULDE
Bryan Tribbett (TRIBB) Roanoke, Va.

(Jefferson) "OK, one of you guys be on the lookout, I'm gonna take a quick shut-eye."
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden

“Who Called This Meeting??"
Bob Fuller, Greensboro

(Jefferson) "I spy with my little eye...."
Barbara Cashman, Greensboro

(Lincoln ) "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?”
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

BEST OBSCURE REFERENCE
Jefferson: “If Borglum says ‘Hold still, I’m almost done,’ one more time…”
Don Byers, Greensboro

Washington: Mr Roosevelt has become tiresome.Fetch Mr. Borglum and his dynamite.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
(The guy who sculpted Mt. Rushmore …)

Teddy Roosevelt to Lincoln:
There's just no room here for a Democrat.
Christian Pike; 7th grade Siler City
Hmmm … never thought about it, but actually this is correct. George was of no particular party, Jefferson was a Democratic-Republican (Although this is considered the beginning of the Democratic party) and Lincoln and Teddy were both Republicans.

Roosevelt: How come the Indian gets a horse?
Bryan Tribbett, Roanoke, Va.
The Crazy Horse Monument, of course …

Roosevelt/Jefferson/Lincoln in unison: "Which way did they go, George? Which way did they go??"
Barbara Cashman, Greensboro
Someone’s been watching their Warner Brother’s cartoons …

"Abe's friend from Easter Island wants to join us."
Brent Wooten, Thomasville
The Statues on Easter Island, natch.

"Teddy - You will finally be joining the 'Currency Club.'" (New Dollar Coins)
Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough
Really? I did not know this.

MATURE AUDIENCES
Washington: Jefferson, where's your hand???
Jefferson: George, is that a pine tree, or are you just happy to see me?
Jefferson: George farted on my leg.....AGAIN!
Bryan Tribbett (TRIBB) Roanoke, Va.

Teddy: Abe, I hope this doesn't make you uncomfortable but you look really sexy when the light hits you just right.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Google mt rushmore's backside.You can see a photo of an outcropping of rock that looks just like a penis.The locals have named it clinton's rock.That is funnier than any caption I could create
Tribbett,Greensboro

Washington:I think they are starting to notice the yellow trees and giant piles of dung.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

George: Thomas that better be your foot.
Rick O'Reilly,Greensboro

Teddy: We were lonely,it was dark. Let us not speak of the matter again.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

BEST INSIDE JOKE
None this week?

BEST POEM
(George)Oh I lived thru Valley Forge.
(Thomas)You've declared that often George!
(Teddy)Oh Abe had himself a Bull Run.
(Abe)That U.S. Grant sure could drink some rum!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

BEST/WORST PUN
Roosevelt:I can see clearly now that Spain has gone.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
This may also belong in obscure cultural references.

From Washington's mouth to Abe:
“Hey Abe, how about an Emancipation Rocklamation?”
Gray Amick, Greensboro
Also a cultural reference contender

THE REST
“Sorry Abe. There’s only room for one guy from Illinois up here.”
Janet Brindle Reddick
Nation/World Editor News & Record
Get back to work, Janet

1.)Washington saying "Hey Teddy and Abe, I heard they might stick Bush or Obama in that opening between you guys! (snicker)
2.)Washington saying "Hey Abe,a penny for your thoughts."(snicker)
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

The great minds of Rushmore all have one unceasing thought."Gosh darn it,my nose itches!"
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

1. Abraham Lincoln-Free at last, free at last! ( I think King's quote fits here)
Nancy Nelson

1.)Final score:Virginia 2,North carolina 0 (HA!)
2.)Teddy saying to Abe "Sometimes I feel there's a space between us.'
3.)Teddy saying,"Well Abe,if you would do something about your breath we would move back over."
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro (but a proud native Virginian!)

2. Lincoln-Looks like change is a coming!
3. George Washington-I bet Obama has chopped down a few cherry trees in his day! 4. Thomas Jefferson-What Mountain do you think he'll get?
5. George Washington -Obama should evoke my proclamation of neutrality.
6. Abraham Lincoln-Honestly, do you think he can change this crumbling nation. 7.Thomas Jefferson-I hope he's respectful of everyone's liberties!
8. Theodore Roosevelt- He'll make a good Rough Rider!
9. T. Roosevelt-The White House needs more teddy bears!
Nancy Nelson

Roosevelt: "Are you guys as petrified about the campaign costs as I am?"
The competition for immortality is stiff
Never take election results for granite
Jefferson: "If Borglum says 'Hold still, I'm almost done,' one more time."
Lincoln: "Never did like these photo ops"
Roosevelt: "Hey, Abe. Do you think you could scratch my nose?"
Washington: "'Why don't we retire in South Dakota,' she said!"
Jefferson: "Rock on, Obama!"
Lincoln: "Mary did say she loved me for my chiseled features."
Roosevelt: "Keep a stiff upper lip, gentlemen."
Yes.it's lonely at the top
Washington: "Never let it be said we were just a bunch of talking heads."
Don Byers, Greensboro
Some good stuff here, Don.

That space between Abe and Teddy will be about right for Barack.
Ken Layton, Carthage

George: Stop griping. I know you're set lower on the mountain, Teddy, but we all would like to know just how you got up here in the first place.
Ken Layton, Carthage

"It was too early for Hillary, anyway."
"I was hoping for Tina Fay"
"I felt an electoral earthquake ..."
"Teddy - You will finally be joining the 'Currency Club.'" (New Dollar Coins)
Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough
The Tina fey reference was a hit.

LINCOLN: Let me know when I need to scrunch up closer to Teddy.
LINCOLN: It's appropriate that he'll be next to me.
LINCOLN: He'll cast a mighty large shadow.
ROOSEVELT: Hey, we can always use a fifth for poker.
Joan Lux Greensboro
Like that last one

JEFFERSON: Fine, as long as he doesn't bring a bowling ball.
Bowling ball? Don't get it, but I love the absurdity of this.
Joan Lux Greensboro

1.)Jefferson to Teddy,"George wears a wig.Pass it on."
2.)George saying,"Tom,those two youngsters are acting up again!"
3.)Jefferson saying,"All those who don't think I'm the greatest president raise their hand."
4.)Jefferson saying," Hey look George,it's Magnum PI and his Amish sidekick."
(This one is kinda hard.Oh wait,nevermind!)
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Roosevelt = What are you two so glum about? I'm the one who has to look at his nose all day.
George Subasavage, Greensboro

Presidents in unison: "All men are created equal...except wo-men."
I would prefer that my name not be used. Thank you.
I don't blame you

1.)Abe saying,"Guys,sometimes I feel there is a space between us."
2.)Jefferson saying,"Guys,I think George's teeth are hurting him again."
3.)Jefferson saying,"Hey guys,check out the hot tourist chick in the tank top"
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

1.)Lincoln saying,"HeyTom,check your nose.You've got a hanger."
2.)Teddy saying,"I can't see a darn thing without my glasses!"
3.)Washington saying,"I wish they had put us some place warmer."
4.)The presidents of rushmore have just one thought,"Where the heck is the rest of us?"
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Roosevelt: How come you guys are on money and I'm not?
J. C. Winkler, Greensboro

George Washington, "Follow my lead."
James Durham-Greensboro

1. "WHY IS HE UP HERE NOW? HE JUST GOT ELECTED".
2. "HEY MAKE ROOM FOR THE NEW GUY."
3. "WHO IS BARACK, AND WHAT IS HE DOING HERE?"
4. "WHO IS MICHELE OBAMA, AND WHAT IS SHE DOING UP HERE?"
5. "JUST BECAUSE HE MADE HISTORY DOES NOT MEAN HE SHOULD BE PUT IN FRONT OF ME".
6. "WHO IS THAT ONE?"
PAULA HAIRSTON, GREENSBORO

"I spy with my little eye...."
Barbara Cashman, Greensboro

Caption: "Who Called This Meeting??" or " Birds of a Feather - Flock Together".
Bob Fuller - Greensboro

1)? Lincoln:? "Well, fellas...we made it through another term without having to move...but I think 'Change' is coming."
2)? Washington:? "I see him coming guys...thank God ears aren't allowed up here!"
Skye Dalrymple, High Point

Lincoln: "One day President Bush's face will...okay, not even I can say that with a stone face."
"A lot of our forefathers were completely stoned."
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

Washington speaking.
Rember, I'm your father and you kids had better keep things on course.

Washington says: I heard W's not in the running for the fifth spot."
Rick Meehan, Graham

1.)Jefferson says,"Dude, I am so stoned."
2.)Teddy says,"Abe you've got a little moss growing in your right ear."
3.)Teddy says,"If he tells that Valley Forge story one more time I'll crack." 4.)Washington says,"If they turn this into a socialist country I'll demand a paternity test."
Tim Tribbett

Had a few for today's cartoon:
Roosevelt: "The 'you aren't on currency' argument is getting really old guys"

Roosevelt: "Twitter entry for today, 'still staring at Lincoln. Still hasn't noticed yet'"
All: "1,432,532,954,145 bottles of beer on the wall, 1,432,532,954,145 bottles of beer."
Jefferson: "Woah George, that's the 23rd bird to 'hit' you today! New record guys!
Roosevelt: "I heard if McCain won they were going to replace me with Joe the Plumber"
Grady Greensboro, NC

Lincoln: Why are you all looking at me like that??
TRIBB, Roanoke, Va.

GEORGE: "Abe, do you think there's enough room up here betwen you and T.R. for Sarah?"
James R. Hicks, Jr., Stokesdale

George Washington: "O K, guys, number 413 in the hymnal; Abe, you sing tenor.One, two, and: 'A charge to keep I have. . .'"
Submitted by Paul Bravender, High Point

The Christian Pike e-mails
(e-mail) Teddy Roosevelt to Lincoln:
There's just no room here for a Democrat.

(next e-mail) Forgot to give my name........Christian Pike; 7th grade Siler City

(next e-mail) Lincoln to everyone:
At least the three of you got a decent head of hair.
Christian Pike, Siler City

(next e-mail) George Washington to everyone:
Does anyone have a muffler....it's cold up here.

(next e-mail) My pop forgot to give my name..........
Christian Pike, Siler City

(next e-mail) Teddy Roosevelt to Lincoln:
There's just no room here for a Democrat.

(next e-mail) Again!!!!!! Pop has had a couple of scotches.........forgive him.....
Christian Pike, Siler City
Hee hee. And tell your Pop, “cheers!” for me.

Abe says "George, Teddy's looking at me. Make him stop!!!"
Linda Stratton, Greensboro
Like this one

1) Washington: All the people in this country and that was the best two they could come up with????
2) Jefferson: Its hard for me to look so serious with a pine tree tickling my "youknowwhatsies".
3) Lincoln: uhoh, I bet I get blamed for this one.
4) Jefferson: I spy with my little eye.............
5) Washington: Jefferson, I don't know what you're thinking about, but if you don't get that thing out of my back.....
6) Jefferson: PSSST, George, you have pigeon poop in your ear.
7) Roosevelt: Move over Abe, I think somebody new may be coming.
8) Washington: Jefferson, where's your hand???
9) Jefferson: George, is that a pine tree, or are you just happy to see me?
10) Roosevelt: O.K., Where the hell is that Dominos Pizza guy??
11) Lincoln: So guys, What do you want to do Today??? Same as yesterday?
12) Jefferson: George farted on my leg.....AGAIN!
13) Jefferson: Man! I was reeeeally hope'n to see that Palin chick up here. GRRRROWF!
14) Things worked out SO much better before today's media got involved
15) Jefferson: Hey George, remember when you used to have to actually accomplish something to get elected to President??
Bryan Tribbett (TRIBB) Roanoke, Va.

It has taken almost 150 years to get to this point.Whats next?
Wayne Smith

Roosevelt: O.K., Where the heck is that Dominoes Pizza guy???
Bryan Tribbett, Roanoke, Va.

Year: 2016
Rock Band: Mount Rushmore Quartet
Hit Song: "She'll be Comin' Around the Mountain"
Joan Lux Greensboro

1.(Abe)Penny for your thoughts. (Jefferson)If I had a nickel everytime you said that!
2.(Washington)Mr Jefferson,wouldst thou please remove thine head from my shoulder. 3(.Washington)Our great nation must have quite a large treasury surplus by now!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

1) George: I really wish we hadn't done Mexican for lunch.
2) George: Thomas, for the last time, GET YOUR HEAD OFF MY SHOULDER!
3) Roosevelt: Abe, Tom, Can't you two just leave me out of it and agree to disagree??
4) Roosevelt: How come the Indian gets a horse?
5) George: Man, what I wouldn't give for some chapstick.
Bryan Tribbett, Roanoke, Va.

1.) Lincoln: So, after I catch this snipe you guys come and get me.Right?
2.)Teddy: Hey Abe,don't be so antisocial.
3.)Washington:If that eagle poops on my nose again I shall remove him as our national symbol!
4.)Washington: Don't make me come down there!
5.)Washington:As the father of the country I say it deserves a good sound spanking and no supper!
6.)Teddy:Chinese tonight?
7.)Teddy: Abe,I hope this doesn't make you uncomfortable but you look really sexy when the light hits you just right.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
Nice stuff

Teddy: I love you guys.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

1.)Washington: Mr Roosevelt has become tiresome.Fetch Mr. Borglum and his dynamite.
2.)Jefferson: Fetch a pneumatic drill.Mr. Lincoln requests rhinoplasty.
3.)Teddy: We were lonely,it was dark. Let us not speak of the matter again.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Google mt rushmore's backside.You can see a photo of an outcropping of rock that looks just like a penis.The locals have named it clinton's rock.That is funnier than any caption I could create
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

OK, guys move over Obama's comming, he wants to be next to Abe.
Randy Payne, Greensboro

1) George: I wish you guys would learn some new jokes
2) George: Stop it Tom, You're gonna get me tickled
3) Jefferson: Geooooorgy, guess what I just did again!
4) Jefferson: 6980000000 bottles of beer on the wall........
Bryan Tribbett. Roanoke, Va.
Nice

1.) Lincoln:I never did get to see the end of that play.
2.)Lincoln: Curse my love of fine theater !!!
3.) Teddy:Have you guys seen the Clinton monument on the other side.
4.)Lincoln: It seem like four score and seven years ago since we ordered out.No tip for him!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
liked two and four, absolutely loved number one. A contender for winner in my book, but strangely, none of the other judges flagged it.

Look at George. He gets mad and turns his back on everybody.
We gotta stop going out and getting stoned.
Frank Beamon, Greensboro

"From the looks of the economy, we should be Mt. Slowdown!"
Kris Voy, Trinity

George, I told you it was too early for Tina Fey's likeness.
Well, Greenspan was a good President, of sorts ....
Jon Barsanti Jr

Anne Theodore, Greensboro.
"Godspeed, Barack."

1.) Lincoln: So I says to Mary I need to see that freakin' play like I need a hole in the head!
2.) Lincoln:I hate it when the wind whistles thru my head! 3.)Washington:(snickering) What currency bears your image Mr. Roosevelt?
4.)The great men of rushmore have learned not to take life for granite.
5)Washington:I think they are starting to notice the yellow trees and giant piles of dung.
6.)Roosevelt:mmmmmmmmm doughnuts
7.)Jefferson:This view is freakin' unbelievable!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

ABE: Teddy, I promise you no one will ever come between us
George: Thomas that better be your foot.
Rick O'Reilly,Greensboro

Teddy:Gain weight? Lincoln:No, less drilling!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Jefferson: "I spy with my little eye."
Jefferson: "I spy with my little eye."
Washington: "I wish I had a nickel for every time he's said that."
Roosevelt/Jefferson/Lincoln in unison: "Which way did they go, George? Which way did they go??"
Barbara Cashman, Greensboro

" Nobody's ' King of the Mountain ' here ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

" Guess Who's Coming to Dinner ? " ( says Lincoln to Others )
" Tillie, We have a Guest Coming for Thanksgiving Dinner. " ( says Lincoln to Others )
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

1) Abe Lincoln: "Smile, guys. Thanks to me, we've got a new President"
2) Lincoln: "Finally! And you can thank me, Mr. Obama"
3) Penny for their thoughts!
Bill Beerman, Greensboro

(Washington speaking) "I'm bored too, Abe, but after 400 ties another round of rock-scissors-paper seems pointless!"
Kevin Little
Ha

1.) Jefferson: No,no, I think that one is an alberta spruce and not a frazier fir Mr. Roosevelt.
2.)Jefferson: How many more tourists do you think we can devour before they start to take notice?
3.)Roosevelt:I can see clearly now that Spain has gone.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

(George)Oh I lived thru Valley Forge.
(Thomas)You've declared that often George!
(Teddy)Oh Abe had himself a Bull Run.
(Abe)That U.S. Grant sure could drink some rum !
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

1. “Hey Abe, I think we’re stoned.” (Roosevelt)
2. “I can see Russia from here.” (Jefferson)
3. “Look out, pigeons at 12 o’clock!” (Jefferson)
4. “How was I to know she was a Gorgon?” (Roosevelt)
5. "Jefferson, stop yapping about Lewis & Clark." (Washington) "Was that Jerry Lewis and the Dave Clark 5?" (Lincoln)
6. Change happens even when it's carved in stone.
Tom Norman, Greensboro

1.)Washington:Was that the McCain boy that served under me at Valley Forge?
2.) Jefferson:Young McCain was the finest page in the entire continental congress!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

1. Jefferson: " I see something .... blue!!
2. Lincoln to Roosevelt: "Teddy, I heard that you will be on the $3 bill!
Washington & Jefferson (in background): "Snicker, snicker"
3. Lincoln to Roosevelt: "Please Teddy, not the Charge Up San Juan Hill again!!"
4. Lincoln to group: " Hey, there is room for a skinny guy between Teddy an me!!"
5. Roosevelt to Lincoln: "We have something in common. I'm a good shot and you were shot!"
6. Roosevelt to group: "Why is my profile so low? I governed the most states and folks!"
7. Washington (reflecting): "Father of our Nation .. good. But why on the lowly $1 instead of the $100??
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

George Washington said: I never thought it would come to this.
Abe Lincoln said: If I had only known then whats happening now.
J. G. Harris, Stoneville

1. Washington: Smile guys, he has a camera
2. Washington: Hey Abe, I know who you are, but who are the other two guys?
3 Washington: Sorry you have a toothache Abe. It's tough getting a
dentist up here.
4. Abe: I don't think we have to worry about Bush's face crowding us.
5. Abe: We thought we had problems.
Dick Ellis Pleasant Garden

George: "Ever get that feeling someone's watching you?"
Thomas: "If I just stare into space, no one will smell it"
Teddy: "67 years! Burn that thing off already Abe!!!"
Abe: "Poetic, how I'm segregated isn't it"

"He won? I think I'm going to flip my whig." Washington
"Why do you think he's a bully, Teddy?" Jefferson
"I don't care if we are stuck together, I'm not supporting Proposition 8." Washington
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
I liked that last one a lot.

1.) Washington:Fetch the jackhammers and dynamite.I wish to be alone 2.)Washington:Fetch the jackhammers and dynamite. Mr. Roosevelt no longer amuses us.
3.)Washington: You down there,yes you!! Stand up straight and tuck in that shirt! Tim Tribbett,Greensboro (Ok I am done for the week)
You sure?

"Abe's friend from Easter Island wants to join us."
Brent Wooten, Thomasville

Lincoln: And the other Nebraska city will now be called OMAha.
R. Timmins

"Why do they call us that? We haven't moved an inch in decades!"
"Do you think it's arthritis? I can't move an inch."
"Same old faces all the time. We need a change, too."
Kris Voy, Trinity

“Hey Abe, a penny for your thoughts.”
“Hey guys I hear our postcard is outselling Stone Mountain’s by 5 to 1.”
“Hey Abe, how about an Emancipation Rocklamation?”
“This acid rain isn’t good for any of our complexions.”
“I know what they mean about solidarity now.”
“Ever since last month’s earthquake our fung swei has been off.”
“Pass the BENGAY, I feel like I’ve got a chisel in my back.”
"Want to try a Certs Teddy?"
Gray Amick, Greensboro

Jefferson: "Any of you guys know if they'll deliver a pizza out here?"
Jefferson: "Hey!! Let's call out for a pizza!"
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden

Lincoln: "I think we'd better make way for the new guy!"
Lincoln: "I heard they've been looking for some black granite to make some renovations up here... it's about time!"
Lincoln: "I heard they've had a sculptor practicing with some black granite... any of you know why?"
Lincoln: "Gosh it would be nice to have someone new to talk to."
Ken Cockerham, Greensboro

Washington: "Do any of you ever get the feeling that we're being watched?"
Ken Cockerham, Greensboro

Lincoln: "Oh Wow, Man. I feel really Stoned."
Washington: "OK, I'll start. 'Row, row, row your boat....' "
Roosevelt to Jefferson: "OK, this time, You be Ringo."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro
I really liked the last one. One of the last eliminated

Roosevelt: "You guys know that I'm FINE with the new guy coming, don't you?"
(To Tim, There you go making me actually do Research and LEARN something again!!)
CC Cockerham, Greensboro
Just doing my job, Ma'm.

From Washington's mouth to Abe: “Hey Abe, how about an Emancipation Rocklamation?”
From Lincoln's mouth to Teddy: "Want to try a Certs Teddy?"
Gray Amick, Greensboro
Rocklamation? I like that.

Washington: "I sure would like to sit down for a spell."
Roosevelt: "Golly, I've been standing for so long that my legs have gone to sleep."
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden

Jefferson: "I wonder if there's a bathroom close by?"
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden

Washington: "I sure would like to take a short nap."
Jefferson: "OK, one of you guys be on the lookout, I'm gonna take a quick shut-eye."
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden

Roosevelt: "You think that anyone's going to remember that 'Speak Softly and Carry A Big Stick' thing that I said?"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

WHOOPS! FORGOT TO MENTION THERE WILL BE AN EARLY DEADLINE THIS WEEK! NEED ENTRIES BY NOON WEDNESDAY, 11-26!!!

Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com

There was this note from the previous week’s entries
I think I counted 67 entries from Tim Tribbett, not to mention Bryan.
These guys definitely need a day job :-)
-D
Ah, Don, just where would I be if they did?

Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.

LAST WEEK'S CARTOON

Good ones again this week. I mean, sure, there were the plethora of “leafing me” puns (NO one seemed to be able to resist) but a lot of varied and funny stuff. See the blog.
And for next week’s Thanksgiving theme, I have served up a big juicy turkey cartoon with all the trimmings. If it doesn’t make your creative juices water, nothing will. Just watch out for the tryptophan.

WINNER
“Hey, if you’re lucky you might end up in a family Bible.”
Don Byers, Greensboro

RUNNERS-UP
"I'll be right there, I need to change first"
Rick Earl, Greensboro

I'll wait until he has the yard completely raked.That really ticks him off!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"This is just a trial separation, right?"
Kris Voy, Trinity

Should have paid your mortgage.
Inga Koujak, Greensboro

FYI---- I'm raising the kids as nondeciduous!
Kevin Little

"It's loose leaf pick up day, we were all supposed to wait until tomorrow!"
Rob Black, High Point

"Aim for the gutters, it will buy you some time."
Deadpan

"What are you doing? It's still spring!"
Brent Wooten,, Thomasville

BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE
. . .and then the old artist Mr. Behrman stepped in.
Joan Lux Greensboro
Kudos to Joan for the O. Henry story reference

(A couple songs made the entry)
“Tell Roger Williams to knock it off. Enough already.”
Don Byers, Greensboro

(Singing)Start wearing purple for me nowwwww....
(can't get that song out of my head)
Tim Tribbett
Thanks. Now, neither can I.

BEST INSIDE JOKE
Tell Mr. Pike to STAY OUT OF MY SCOTCH!!!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Auuuggh,you're going to break your spleen doing that!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Let's blow over into Rickard's yard.I love to piss that guy off!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
Why, I oughtta …

Let's land in Rickard's yard! He uses such colorful language!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
That does it! I do not use *&%@#$&*!%@%!!@$#$$%^#^>%* language!!

Aaaaaaahhhh,a leaf with eyes!!!!!!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Watch your step. Rickard’s down there with a rake.
Marsha Elam, Greensboro
Dang talking leaves! Go ahead and fall!

"The paper said we have until December 3rd!"
(city leaf collection in case anybody was wondering where that came from)
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

"Quick...Gimme a caption for this week's cartooooooon!"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

BEST POEM
Kilmer said he would never see, A poem as lovely as a tree, My question though is when in school, Did the children think him uncool,Cause when you have unlimited choice,Who the heck names their boy child Joyce!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Just a little ditty!
I think that I shall never see
a poem as lovely as an old tree.
Dead leaves, empty branches,
not much of a show,
But wait I see a snowflake as White as can be,
More and More, they are covering me.
Oh how, beautiful Death can be!
Nancy Nelson

BEST/WORST PUN
I'm leafing you!
Hugo Ruberg
And a dozen others, but he was first.

I also like the double-pun here. A two-fer
"I went out on limb for you and you leave"
Margie Ellington, Reidsville

"Next time you'll hang for rustling."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

MATURE
The hands down winner this week from Deadpan:
"Just remember, a leaf blower isn't as great as it sounds."

Also:
Careful where ya land! Don't bust a nut.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

I'm not dropping.There's a big pile of dog poo down there!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

1.)Honey,when you get down there lay really still and play dead.Just pretend we're having sex!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Sorry about that Bob, I think I'm getting too much fiber!
Bryan Tribbett, Roanoke, Va.

If you fart it will slow your fall considerably!
(Ok ,I will try to stop for the week but I could do another 50 at least
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"Watch our for bears!. I shudder how they would use you!"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

"Take care. Don't step on a rake or land in dog poop!"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

"I'm Sorry...it was the Spicy Chimichanga!"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

DON'T GO!! There's a hunter with no toilet paper going #2 down there!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

If you fart it will slow your fall considerably!
(Ok ,I will try to stop for the week but I could do another 50 at least)
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
See Don’s note above.

"Sorry I gassed you."
James E. Ferrell, McLeansville

BEST ATTEMPT AT FORCING TOGETHER THEMES FROM TWO DIFFERENT CARTOONS
I left a reference from the previous (Mt. Rushmore) week on this week’s blog about the cartoon being inspired by the election. Bob Mannary, ever game, decided to take a crack at mixing politics and leaf falling. Not a bad effort.
(The blog says that this week's theme is inspired by the recent election although I don't get it here's what I got)
"It'll be alright...he'll be a good president..."
"John...wait...there's always 2012..."
"Wow...you're falling faster than the stock market..."
"Wait...we're getting bailout money...don't go yet..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

THE REST
I'm leafing you!
Hugo Ruberg

1.)Count to three then pull the cord.
2.)GO LIMP,GO LIMP!
3.)See ya mulchy !
4.)When you get down there tell them I'll be right down.
4.)Hey,I wasn't finished with my oral history of the roman empire part III!
5.) I think you did that on purpose!
6).Summer breeze,makes me feel fine …
7.)Was it something I said?!
8.)I'll be a while.I'm trying to break the record!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
Tim, if you ever leave veterinary medicine, you could have a fulfilling career (like me) as a frustrated, unsuccessful cartoonist.

1.)So cathy says to me ,she says..hey where ya goin?
2)Careful where ya land! Don't bust a nut.
3)Parting is such sweet sorrow.
4.) I'll Tivo Two and a Half Men for you.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

He's falling and he can't get up!
2. So you're falling for me!
3. So you're falling before me!
4. I told you this would happen!
5. Please don't leave me!
6. Please don't leaf me!
7. I can't live without you!
8. Baby come back!
9. Now do you beleaf me!
10. I told you to get more sun!
11. This happens every year!
12. Don't worry I'll be by your side soon!
13. I'm barely hanging on.
14. I will not fall, I will not fall!
15. It's my last leaf stand!
16. Stay away from the blower, the rake and the mulcher!
17. I told you to drink more chlorophyll.
18. I told you chlorophyll would leave you!
19. I won the bet, I won the bet!
20. Don't let them mulch you!
21. This blows my mind!
22. When the winds blow more that just cradles fall!
23. Aim for the flowerbed, they never rake there!
24. Stop, drop and blow!
25. I'm not going down without a fight!
26. Whimp!
27. I'm a survivor! 28. Where are you going?!
29. This relationship is over!
30. It'll be lonely without you!
31. I'm waiting for Santa!
32. Good things come to those that wait!
Nancy Nelson

"You should've gone before you left."
Ken Layton, Carthage

You didn't yell "Geronimo"!
Ken Layton, Carthage

33. Tsk, tsk!
34. Don't roll your eyes at me!
35. Tee hee hee!
36. Take the road less traveled!
37. Your covers been blown!
38. You're just cold!
39. I'm shaking like a leaf!
40. Brr! 41. I feel a little shaky.
42. You're coldblooded!
43. You stopped taking your chlorophyll supplements ,didn't you?!
Nancy Nelson

" There's Hope, I Can See a Mayflower Coming!"
" Glide ~ Baby ~ Glide ! "
" We're the reason they call it FALL ! "
" Happy Landing ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

"Did you have a good summer? "
Jo Ann Newman, High Point

Look out below Sarah they have dogs.
Don Rankin, Greensboro

"Make like a feather, that's Forrest Gump below."
"GERONIMO, my friend ! "
"The Gravity of this Situation Becomes You !"
"Float ! An Acorn & Persimmon just Crash !"
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

"You are leaving. Slow, slow. I hear, Goodbye !"
Your " Goodbye ! " Fills my Blue Sky.
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

"Eve, Don't leave me hanging..."
Jeff McKeever - Greensboro

Sam is falling from Grace
Jeff McKeever - Greensboro

"... the answer is blowin' in the wind."
"Freeeeee faaaaallllllll."
And then there's a thing called a rake.
Oh, you'll be around -- these people are LAZY!
I may be a rake, but I'm not THE rake!
So what is the City leaf-pickup schedule this year?
You're headed straight for a plastic bag!!!
Joan Lux, Greensboro
The city leaf pick reference was good, but needed just a bit more than just a reference.
See the runner-up on the same theme.

44. It's WonderFall!
45. Fall in!
46. I Am Not a Rotten Egg!
47. I won't kick you while you're down!
48. I'm praying they've lost the rake!
49. Dead leaves don't make a pretty picture!
50. Maybe it'll be warmer down there.
51. I'll see you down under.
52. We're old, dull, wrinkled and unappreciated, it's time for us to leave!
53. I'm not falling for that joke!.
54. Looks like the Jokes on You!
55. I miss you already!
56. Dead leaves tell no tales!
57. Tell Tom turkey not to wait around for me!
58. Save me some pumpkin pie!
Nancy Nelson

Our family had such a great time doing these and we could not just pick one
so here are a few.
Honey you're not taking the fall alone, I am right behind you.
Mohammed Koujak, Greensboro

Honey don't worry you will spring back.
Mohammed Koujak, Greensboro

Should have paid your mortgage.
Inga Koujak, Greensboro

You're a leaf, uh no a plane, Oh, I know.you're the stock market.
Amiera Sawyer and Inga Koujak, Greensboro
This got at least one vote from our judges

Crash and burn baby, crash and burn!
Amiera Sawyer-Greensboro

Change is coming. I hate to tell ya, but it's gonna get worse before it gets better.
Inga Koujak, Greensboro

They didn't bail you out?
Inga Koujak, Greensboro
I liked this one

I've got three words for you; should have voted!
Amiera Sawyer-Greensboro

1.) (singing) It's the circle of life …
2.) I don't care! I wanted the branch to myself anyway!
3.) Geronimo!!!
4.) And just when we turned such a pretty color too!
5.)You go ahead.I'm in no hurry to rot and decay!
6.)Don't do it dude.You have too much to live for!
7.) No ,I'm not coming down.I found me some superglue!
8.)Don't leaf me!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Chad: "I'm hanging here for a recount."
Sheryl: "A Change will do you good."
I can't believe you fell for that joke.
"I want to be alone."
The stock market isn't the only thing in free-fall.
When you drop in on the comedy club they will have you on pines and needles.
I don't think that this is the type of Change Obama had in mind
I told you that you should have tried Rogaine
Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough

1.)Better you than me!
2.) I'll call 911!
3.)Oh, I see how it is! Wham bam, thank you maam!
3)Don't forget to write.
4.)If you see a bright light try to float towards it!
4.)Ok, we go on three. 1,2,3,psych!! SUCKER
TIM TRIBBETT,GREENSBORO

1) "I told you those glue sticks never work."
2) "Even now you're giving me the silent treatment?"
3) "Leave if you want, I'm riding this season out this time."
4) "I thought you looked a little redder than usual."
5) "I know this is lover's leap, but there's this evergreen."
6) "What do you mean, 'duck!'?"
7) "He didn't say 'Simon Says fall off the tree'"
8) "Ok ok, next year we can fall at your mother's house"
Grady, Greensboro
Loved number four

"That's very good! Now take a deep, cleansing yoga breath and slowly rise back to the limb."
Judy Glazier, High Point
I liked this one. Kinda metaphysical.

1. Obama: "Now this is truly change we can believe in."
2. I got a feeling we're both going down.
3. I think I'll just hang around for a while.
Linda K. Woodard, Greensboro

I've fallen and I can't get up.
Marty Marshall, Greensboro

"This is just a trial separation, right?"
"I'm sorry. I just haven't fallen for you."
"What do you mean we're drifting apart?"
"Yeah, the leaves are always oranger, yellower, and redder on the other side
of the yard, right?"
"You're going to get yourself burnt if you don't listen to me!"
"Have fun roasting with the S'Mores!"
"You're heading straight for the burn pile!"
"No, I didn't call you here just to drop you."
"I'm just not ready to settle down."
"We're not on the same page. I want to branch out; you want to settle down."
"Commitment? It seems like a headlong plunge to me!"
"Pick your major and quit drifting through life, son!"
Kris Voy, Trinity

1.) I told you not to swing so much.
2.)Auuuggh,you're going to break your spleen doing that!
3.) How unoriginal!
4.) I'm going to try a somersault half twist combo with a backflip!
5.)Well,I guess that answers the question if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you too.
6.) I'm staying up here! That big leaf down there said he was going to kick my ass!!
7.) I'm not into the mindless sheep mentality thing.
8.) I'm not coming down.I've discovered the wonders of Velcro
9.)Not you too!
10.) You idiot,it's still spring!
11.) Wow,the obits are going to be full tommorow.
12.) I'm holding out for a last second cure!
13.) I will always remember you leaf #407,087. Or was it #407,086?
14.) I'm not dropping.There's a big pile of dog poo down there!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

1.) Tell them to quit yelling jump,jump, jump!
2.) I have to do this at my own pace.
3.) I guess I rocked your world a little too hard there baby!
4.)Don't do it! He only won a 4 year term!
5.) Where did you learn to hover like that?
6.) DON'T GO!! There's a hunter with no toilet paper going #2 down there!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"I'm glad you're leaving."
"I hope you crash and burn."
"Timberrrrrrrrr."
"Eject, you fool, eject!"
"Remember, watch out for that kid with the sucker."
"Only now do I see your true colors."
"And to think once I was green with envy."
"Next time you'll hang for rustling."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
Liked the eject one …

1.) When he said unimaginative he really wasn't kidding !!!
2.) Tell Mr. Pike to STAY OUT OF MY SCOTCH!!!
3.)While you're down there grab me a beer.
4.) I'll meet you over there by the pile.
5.) I'll wait until he has the yard completely raked.That really ticks him off!
6.)OH MY GOSH,Larry just got impaled on a rake prong!
7.) I'll fall the second he finishes raking!
8.) You're gonna get stuffed in a Hefty!!!
9.)Do you smell smoke?HE'S BURNING THE PILE!!!!
10.) My momma didn't raise me to be no compost!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Let's blow over into Rickard's yard.I love to piss that guy off!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"I'll be right there, I need to change first"
Rick Earl, Greensboro

"It's loose leaf pick up day, we were all supposed to wait until tomorrow!"
Rob Black, High Point

1.)Honey,when you get down there lay really still and play dead.Just pretend we're having sex!
2.)Hey,our strategy of playing dead and hoping not to get raked has been revised to BITE,BITE,BITE!!!!!
3.)Let's land in Rickard's yard! He uses such colorful language!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

" No ! I'm not going to the Autumn Leaves Festival with you. "
" The color of your fall coat becomes you ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

Pleeeez don't leaf me
Hally Lee Rankin

" No Way I'm Falling For You ! "
" Mama always told us, " Dyin' was part of Living. "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

I may sound sappy but please don't leaf me Annie Oakleaf !
2.)Compost and a movie tonight?
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"Oh come on honey, don't leave me hanging"
Dana Smith, Greensboro
Are you "leaving" me?
Dale

"Tell Roger Williams to knock it off. Enough already."
"Oh great. Leave me alone with Charlie Brown"
"Say goodbye to photosynthesis"
"It's not easy being green."
"What part of deciduous don't you understand?"
"Our ancestors were involved in 'The Great Adam and Eve Cover-up.'"
"Don't feel too bad. Our relatives are celebrities in Toronto."
"Hey, if you're lucky you might end up in a family Bible."
"I think they call it a seasonal disorder."
"Last one down is a pile of mulch."
Don Byers, Greensboro

I can't believe you fell for that again.
WWBD (What would Bucky do)?
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH my spleen!!!!!!!!!
It's fall BACK, not down! (reference to Daylight Saving time)
Marcia

Don't leave now, we were just getting acquainted!
Heli Benson, Greensboro

Caption: "I hope you are not falling for me!"
Bob Fuller - Greensboro

Hey, Barry, just because my name is Jeremiah,
you don't have to distance yourself.
Hally Rankin

I'm going to stay here. Sooner or later, you're going to be mulch.
I enjoyed our summer together. Let's do it again next year.
Hally Rankin

1 I'm going to stay here. Sooner or later you're going to be mulch.
2 I enjoyed our summer together. Let's do it again next summer.
Hally Rankin

Sorry about that Bob, I think I'm getting too much fiber!
Bryan Tribbett, Roanoke, Va.

How can you do this to me? You're going to go and leaf me all alone!
I know I know! Bryan Tribbett, Roanoke, Va.

59. Leave me alone!
60. Leaf me alone!
61. Parting is such sweet sorry!
62. Alone at last!
63. But you promised to stay by side forever!
64. I'm just "Stayin Alive"!
65. Nothing lasts forever!
66. Goodbye old pal.
67. Beauty is short lived.
68. Life is just too short!
69. You're grounded!
70. Don't worry you'll get recycled.
71. I told you to hang on tight!
72. Leaf on, leaf off!
73. Let is snow, let it snow, let it snow!
74. Job reduction! 75. You're fired! 76. Sorry no bailouts for us!
77. Quitter!
78. It's hard to let go!
Nancy Nelson

1.) I'm not letting go until I see some firemen with a trampoline down there!
2.) I told you to do those stem strengthening exercises!
3.) I googled leaves and compost.I'm staying up here!
4.)I googled leaves and Fall.The future looks pretty bleak Bob!
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro(I'm sure you saw the falling leaf joke at the start of B.C. this Sunday)
Dang cartoonists stealing my ideas … grumble, grumble …

"You can forget about the 'golden parachute', those days are over!"
Heli Benson, Greensboro

1.)The tree lied! There's no free doughnuts down there!
2.) If you fart it will slow your fall considerably!
(Ok ,I will try to stop for the week but I could do another 50 at least)
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

So much for "Mr. Noncomformist"!
That's right, Bob! I am now a licensed insurance agent, and-----hey, Bob!
FYI----I'm raising the kids as nondeciduous!
Kevin Little
Liked all three of these

1) "Don't leaf me, sweetheart"
2) "I'll see you soon"
3) "Hey! Tie a yellow ribbon, oakay?"
Bill Beerman, Greensboro

" Told You I'd Be The Last Mohican ! "
" Don't Worry ! We'll Rise Again in a Squirrel Nest next Spring. "
" We'll Spring Back in a Squirrel Nest ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

"I wish I was born an Evergreen."
"Hey! Where is everybody going?"
Noelle Polson, Jacksonville, FL

Aaaaaaahhhh, a leaf with eyes!!!!!!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro (got a second wind)

Don't do it! Mulch is so over-rated.
Heli Benson, Greensboro

My entry for this weeks funny page is "Touch her, and I'll mow you myself".
Andrew Bravo

You go ahead, I'll be there in a few days.
Frank Beamon, Greensboro

"I guess you're not a hanging chad anymore."
Janet

1. You're leafing me?
2..I'm sorry I said, "drop dead."
3. Where are you going? You haven't changed color yet.
4. What do you mean I look like their dog?
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden

(Singing)Start wearing purple for me nowwwww....
Tim Tribbett(can't get that song out of my head)

1. “COUGH - sorry about that.”
2. “Hey, this is suppose to be a tandem jump.”
3. “I knew you’d fall for me.”
4. “So long good friend, you were the best rustler on the tree.”
5. “Bad timing dude, the leaf compactor just arrived.”
Tom Norman, Greensboro

79. Fall out!
80. I see you're going on vacation without me!
81. You're being blown away.
82. I'm crushed!
83. Good luck with the job interview!
84. This can't be good for the economy!
85. Blow the man down!
86. The answer, my friend, is blowin in the wind!
87. This wind is disgusting
88. Don't play with matches!
89. Stay away from match.com! or
90. Stay away fron matches.com!
Nancy Nelson
Liked number 83.

You can Fall but you can not hide!
I knew this would not last.
I look forward to spending the Winter in the compost with you
Rick O"Reilly, Greensboro

“Take care, I’ll miss you very mulch.”
"Remember to specify plastic or paper to the lawn boy."
"Your cremation request should be honored, he's got a burning permit."
“Maybe it’s just a trial separation.
“That’s what happens when you go out on a limb.”
"Is the elevator on the fritz again?"
"I said pesticide not suicide."
Gray Amick, Greensboro
The elevator one was cute.

"That's not going to happen to me. I exercise."
I wasn't always this beautiful.
Dropping out of the show already?
What afterlife? You're going to the compost pile.
What happened? Did you run out of Clairol?
Marsha Elam, Greensboro

Watch your step. Rickard's down there with a rake.
Marsha Elam, Greensboro

"Afterlife?!" It's a compost pile."
Marsha Elam, Greensboro
Nice.

"I leafing on a jet plane ... don't know when I'll be back again."
"You're a little yellow - I want a nice, deep, brown ..."
I see that you are turning a new leaf ...
"Tell me the punch-line. Don't leave me hanging."
"I can't believe you fell for that one ..."
"I Can't be-leaf that you fell for that one ..."
"Those people from ACORN just called to make sure that you voted. "
Jon Barsanti Jr

" I'm Leafing on a jet plane - don't know when I'll be back again."
"You are not the Terminator ..."
I can't believe that you fell for that one
You are a little yellow - I hanging in for a nice brown color.
"The people from ACORN just called to see how you voted..."
No More piling on ...
Two leaves left on the tree, two leaves on the tree, if one should fall, rake it around, one leaf left on the tree ....
Is this the kind of change Obama was promising?
Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough

"See you in the compost heap!!"
"Don't leaf me so soon!!"
"Be sure to bend your knees before you hit!"
"First fall? Don't worry. You'll be either shredded, burned or composted!"
"I won!" Last leaf hanging!"
"Take care. Don't step on a rake or land in dog poop!"
"Hope to see you on the same branch in Spring!"
"I will be true; won't turn over a new leaf!"
"Watch our for bears!. I shudder how they would use you!"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

1. "I'm hanging by a stem"
2. "Hey, don't leave me, now"
3. "Hey wait, next year, same place?"
Margie Ellington, Reidsville

"Who's laughing now?!"
"Aim for the mosh pit."
"What are you doing? It's still spring!"
"You're supposed to be yelling "Geronimo!"."
"I'll be down in a few minutes."
"We were supposed to go on three."
Brent Wooten, Thomasville

1) " Try to get stuck under the windshield wiper. "
2) " Just remember, a leaf blower isn't as great as it sounds. "
3) " Aim for the gutters, it will buy you some time. "
4) " I win !!! "
5) " Find the others and meet me on top of the pile. "
Deadpan
Nice ones, Dp.

"Pull the cord! Pull The Cord!"
"See...I told you you'd fall for me eventually..."
"Russell...Come BAAAAAACK!"
"You know they hate it when you drop in unannounced!"
"Oh...so you wanna race huh?"
"I've fallen for you too Gladys..."
"Show Off!"
"Leaving So Soon?"
"Leaf it to you to be the first one down..."
"They grow up so fast..."
"Don't Worry...It's closer than it looks...I Swear!"
"What about the 5 bucks you owe me?!?!?!"
"I'm Sorry...it was the Spicy Chimichanga!"
"I hope you stick the landing..."
"Keep your mind out of the gutter!"
"The paper said we have until December 3rd!"
(city leaf collection in case anybody was wondering where that came from)
"Wait...Wait...I need a Four Letter word for Autumn..."
"Quick...Gimme a caption for this week's cartooooooon!"
(The blog says that this week's theme is inspired by the recent election although I don't get it here's what I got)
"It'll be alright...he'll be a good president..."
"John...wait...there's always 2012..."
"Wow...you're falling faster than the stock market..."
"Wait...we're getting bailout money...don't go yet..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro
Many good ones here, one of which barely missed the last slot open in runners-up.
(I really liked the crossword one – very clever)

"I went out on limb for you and you leave"
Margie Ellington, Reidsville

. . .and then the old artist Mr. Behrman stepped in.
Don't fall on Mr. Porter's head; he's here for inspiration.
That poignant story was about an ivy leaf, but . . . .
See you at the compost heap.
It was fun while it lasted.
I'm shakin' and quakin' but I'm not letting go.
Compost is good -- well, except for the worms.
Mr. Porter comes here each day for inspiration.
That's Mr. Porter down there; he's writing a story about us.
Joan Lux Greensboro

Unless you know this particular song this caption won't mean much....But here goes:
" Some glad morning when this life is oer' , I'll fly away …
LET's FLY !! “
"Hey, what's your hurry - wait for me - she won't rurn me loose "
Pat Vaughn, Madison
Actually, I’m very familiar with it. It was an old standard in my church back-in-the-day.

"Just had to get away from all those nuts up there uh?
Gray Amick, Greensboro

" Turning a New Leaf, are You ? "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington,

"Hope you don't land flat on your face."
"Sorry I gassed you."
"Always talking about leaving me."
(Leaves Talk). Thanks for leafing me high and dry."
"Here, reach for my hand."
"Promises, Promises, Promises."
"I am going to tell your Moma!"
James E. Ferrell, McLeansville

1. Sorry you had to leave so early.
2. See you next fall.
3. I knew you would fall for me someday
Cheryl Lowe, McLeansville
Nice one, number three.

Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com

Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.

LAST WEEK'S CARTOON
WHOOOOOOOPS! I forgot to mention last week that there would be an early deadline this week ­--- Wednesday noon instead of Thursday noon. I fielded entries as late as 3 o’clock Wednesday, but anything sent after that simply was too late.
Not to worry though, here on the blog, I’ll also crown “best late entry.”
By the way, a great job this week by everyone. True, I did give you a fat, juicy toon to work with, but still you guys did have to cook and serve it. Bravo.

WINNER
Everything was going well until the nurse said "Make a wish!".
Bryan Tribbett, Roanoke, Va

RUNNERS-UP
"We see a lot of these injuries this time of year."
Rob Black, High Point

Every time I get him sutured up those darn people come back for seconds!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"I'm sorry, ma'am. There's nothing more we could do. Which grocery store should we send him to?"
Kris Voy, Trinity

“I’m afraid he didn’t make it. Did you want to take home any leftovers?”
Tom Norman, Greensboro

"She's dead but you've been offered .89 cents a pound for her."
Deadpan

"We've already taken care of the arrangements with Butterball."
Brent Wooten, Thomasville

WINNER OF THE LATE ENTRIES
"They accidentally transfered him up to the cafeteria but we found him..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE
You got him here just in time. That weight reduction plan by Daffy Duck could’ve killed him.
J. C. Winkler, Asheboro
And here I thought Bob Mannary had the lock on obscure Warners Brothers cartoon references.

"Well Mrs. Turk it appears Tom is going to be fine despite that silly duck..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro
Oh, wait ... here it is.

For those of you who remeber WKRP in Cincinnati ...
He’ll be ok. Do you need my testimony in your suit against WKRP?
J. C. Winkler, Asheboro
Classic.

“Another casualty of the WKRP Turkey Promo.”
Gray Amick, Greensboro

Good grief lady! Everyone knows farm turkeys can't fly!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"As God is my witness I thought Turkey's could fly!"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

"I am serious...and don't call me Shirley..."
"It's worse than that...he's dead Jim."
"It was a Junior Mint...they're very refreshing!"
"So he eats the blue pill and Yadda Yadda Yadda...he ends up in the E.R."
"He had hair when he was in Top Gun but none on E.R...where'd it all go?"
"He's in good hands...he's a Swedish fellow...a little hard to understand though...all I can ever make out is "Bork! Bork! Bork!"
"He's from Paramus? Where in the world is that?" (shot-out to my hometown but I doubt you'll get why it actually fits the cartoon!!)
Bob Mannary, Greensboro
I'll take your word for it, Bob (for anyone keeping score, the first reference is from "Airplane" the second from any "Star Trek" episode, the next two from "Seinfeld" the next is an Anthony Edwards reference and the next-to-last is from the Muppets. Whew.

BEST INSIDE JOKE
She's like the News & Record nothing can save her! (ouch)
Nancy Nelson

“Mr. Rickard has been unconscious ever since they moved his deadline up 24 hours.”
Gray Amick, Greensboro

"I don't care what you saw in a Brewster cartoon I can't make him invisible..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

BEST/WORST PUN
She's in gravy condition.
Nancy Nelson

BEST POEM
An ode to turkey jerky
If you have leftover turkey,
Try drying it into jerky,
If you do it just right,You can sit and masticate all night,
But please stop chewing it by four,
If you overdo you'll make your poor mandible sore
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

Bob Mannary also submitted a poem, but it was just a wee bit ... racy, to be included here on the blog. But amusing, nevertheless ...

MATURE AUDIENCES
Maybe this is where Bob's poem belongs ...
“Don’t worry. He’ll be up and eating his own feces in no time!”
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

The worst case of butterballs I’ve ever seen.
J. C. Winkler, Asheboro

“Ma’am, did your husband have a ‘stuffing’ fetish?”
Grady, Greensboro

"How in the world did she get stuffing in there ? "
Deadpan

BEST RECIPE
Fantastic recipe for Cranberry Relish......(my family loves this)
1 pound cranberries
2 apples
2 oranges
1 1/2 cups sugar
1 lemon, juiced (optional)
1 can drained, crushed pineapple
2 ounces Christian Brothers Brandy or Grand Marnier.........I have never used this ingredient
Chop the cranberries in a manual food chopper-Not a food processor. Chop the apples and oranges into small cubes. Add the remaining ingredients and stir well. Allow the flavors to blend overnight or for several hours in the fridg. You can freeze what you don't plan to use right away.
Happy Eating!
Cheryl Kidd

THE REST
"I'm afraid this will require a total giblet transplant!"
"His gizzard just isn't what it used to be."
"We were able to remove the fork, but the knife wounds were too much."
"Change the 'dressing' once a day."
"We see a lot of these injuries this time of year."
"It was definitely buckshot that did him in."
"We donated his body to John Madden for his turducken."
Rob Black, High Point
Good stuff here. We also liked the knife wounds one.

1.) I'm afraid he didn't make it but on the bright side he's delicious!
2.)Sorry, he didn't make it.Now excuse me I need to take a nap!
3.)We'll try a continous drip gravy IV with 60 mls of stuffing up the wazoo.
4.)We closed the linea with maxon,the subcutaneous with chromic gut and the intradermal with PDS.Then we covered him with a brown gravy.
Tim Tribbett ,Greensboro
Nice stuff, but we decided to stay away from references to turkey cannibalism, no matter how amusing, because it just didn't seem logical.

He's in pretty grave(y) condition, we had to remove his giblets.
Steve

"It's not serious, just a pulled wishbone"
Joe Long, Oak Ridge

When your name is called we'll take care of your duck and hen problem.
A quick glance tells me you're not fit for human consumption.
You did WHAT to your drumsticks marching in the Thanksgiving Day Parade?
Joan Lux, Greensboro

"I'll try my best to keep him in here until after Thanksgiving, but you know
how the insurance companies are..."
Kris Voy, Trinity

1. She's not pregnant, just stuffed!
2. She won't be shaking those tail feathers for a while.
3. Strutt your stuff, you're the daddy of
10! 4. Gobble, Gobble, Gobble!
5. Sorry, the other doctors got hungary!
6. I can't operate, I'm not a butcher!
7. She needs surgery, do you have good vet insurance!
8. Your wife and poults are doing fine!
9. It was difficult but we removed the stuffing and she should be fine!
10. She'll be up and doing the turkey trot before you can shake a tail feather.
11. She's a tough old bird!
12. She's like the News & Record nothing can save her! (ouch)
13. She'd been carved up too much, we couldn't save her!
14. The Ax missed her vital organs, but she won't be gobbling anymore!
15. She has post-poult depression!
Nancy Nelson

Take the pills -- you'll feel better when you get rid of the duck and chicken.
Hey, we all feel stuffed on Thanksgiving night.
Joan Lux Greensboro

Go HOME -- that red dangly thing will be gone before you know it!
So what do YOU call that red dangly thing?
Joan Lux, Greensboro
Good question. Here was a promising gag, but it needed to be worded different.

"You're healthy as a horse, but we'll both be dead within a week"
Richard F. Wood, High Point

You're calling him "Aloysius" -- she's named him "Tom."
No, he doesn't look like you but . . . .
You reek of something . . . broccoli casserole perhaps?
Panic Attack, it's really not so unusal this time of year! It's always worse November and December.
Joan Lux, Greensboro

"Son, the Emergency Room is for after the fact."
Ken Layton, Carthage

"Doc, you gotta Medical Deferment. Can you get me one quick?"
Ken Layton, Carthage

"It's an emergency, Doc, I need a pill to lose about 20 pounds in a week."
Ken Layton, Carthage
It's actually the doc who's talking

16. Axtually she'll probably outlive you!
17. She's been given the ax!
18. When she saw the carving knife she went nuts!
19. Removing the apple was difficult but we go it in time!
20. You have poult now!
21. She's in gravy condition. Nancy Nelson

"Good news. We got the turkey bone dislodged from his throat."
"Old Boy eats too fast. Had a turkey bone lodged in his throat."
"I'm sorry, ma'am. There's nothing more we could do. Which grocery store
should we send him to?"
"All I did was remove the gizzard bag. Now he feels fine."
"He's an organ donor, so can I have the gizzard?"
Kris Voy, Trinity

"He'll be fine. Nothing broken, but he did get the stuffing knocked out of him."
Kevin Little

" So you think you're allergic to Mayflowers ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

"I'm sorry Mrs. Butterball. His temperature is up to 350 degrees. It's just a matter of hours now.."
Derek Gunn, Trinity

22. I'm sorry we couldn't save her she was in an terrible axxident!
Nancy Nelson

23. Sorry, she's cold turkey now!
24. How did she get so brown!
25. She's suffering from three degree burns!
Nancy Nelson

1. "Looks like he's backed up with stuffing"
2 "Should have given him an enema, he's backed up with stuffing"
Margie Ellington, Reidsville

26. She needs more exercise and less food so this doesn't happen again next year! 27. You can see her now, the tryptophan has worn off!
28. You shouldn't be henpecking him!
Nancy Nelson

29. She no longer has a turkey neck!
30. She had so many giblets we didn't know what to do!
Nancy Nelson

19. Removing the apple was difficult but we got it in time!
31. Let's talk turkey!
32. Don't let him drink any more Wild Turkey!
Nancy Nelson

1.)Just exactly how did his neck get up there?
2.)We're going to need a chicken and a duck.
3.)We've had to do a giblet transplant
4.)We had to amputate.I'm afraid he's a left winger now.
5.)Well,since he didn't pull thru and it IS Thanksgiving......
6.)The guys in the operating room want to know if you've got any mashed taters and gravy with ya?
7.)We were able to save the white meat but the dark is a total loss.
8.) I did what I could but let's face it. I'm just a turkey.
9.)Well.you try holding a scalpel with a wings!
10.)I'm afraid he was pronounced moist and delicious at 6:45 this morning.(and one just for Don)
11.)Next time he hears a strange turkey call tell him it's a trap!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
Number 10 was my favorite in this group

"We were able to save the gizzard, but the liver is still in danger."
"I'd like to keep him here a couple more days till sarah Palin finishes her tours of the turkey farms. "
"Hadn't anyone ever told him he couldn't fly?"
Dottie

" Tom has moved up two places on the giblet transplant list"??
Jonathan Sparrow, Greensboro

"He'll be fine. Nothing broken, but he did get the stuffing knocked out of him."
Kevin Little

Let me guess, you're here for an emergency breast reduction and thigh liposuction.
Cindy Joseph, Summerfield

"Well, the GOOD news is, we're going to have to keep him here until after Thanksgiving."
Leonard Byrd and anita byrd

she was over stuffed
sheila nye randelman

"We couldn't save him. However, if it's any comfort to you, he was delicious."
"In hindsight, it was probably a poor decision to choose Martha Stewart as his surgeon."
"I'm afraid he won't make it past the 27th. But then, neither will we!"
Kevin Little

1.)You may want to ask yourself why your husband was out responding to a hunter's fake mating call in the first place!
2.) I am not a quack madam.I'm a gobbler!
3.)Good grief lady! Everyone knows farm turkeys can't fly!(remember the episode of WKRP where they threw the live turkeys out of a plane?)
4.) Looks like President Bush was a little late with his pardon this year!
5.) I'm sorry but the prognosis is always pretty bleak in these decapitation cases.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

1) "With luck, he'll make it to Christmas"
2) "Sorry. He was just over-stuffed".
Bill Beerman, Greensboro

1) The bad news is she didn't make it, the good news is her timing was very convenient.
2) Sorry about your wife, but on the plus side I have a great stuffing receipt.
3) Everything was going well until the nurse said "Make a wish!".
4) Uh, just out of curiosity, do you like white or dark meat???
Bryan Tribbett, Roanoke, Va.

1) If you had gotten him here before they stuffed him he may have had a chance.
2) It's my medical opinion that he's just plain plucked!
3) Next time someone say they would like to have you & your wife for dinner, you may want to clarify their meaning.
4) It doesn't look good, The little timer had already popped out.
Bryan Tribbett, Roanoke, Va.

1.)Gobble,gobble,gobble(What?You expect a turkey to speak english?duh)
2.) I guess he thought it was wabbit season!
3.) I can't keep those darn hunters out of my operating room!
Tim Tribbett, greensboro

"No, you can literally HAVE him for Thanksgiving."
"I told him to stop smoking cold turkey."
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

"Shhh...it's not Tom - It's Dr. Walcott until after Thanksgiving."
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

"I know you are dying to see me but you'll have to make an appointment for
after Thanksgiving."
Robert Lane, Greensboro

"I'm so glad you'll be coming over for Thanksgiving dinner. We'll be smoking
our organic-fed human on the Weber this year."
Robert Lane, Greensboro

1) So, you guys were just out walking, heard this sexy voice calling, there was a loud bang, then what??
2) I'm afraid that since I'm just a turkey I have no idea what to do for your friend.
3) So, he was just trying to see why the chicken crossed the road, Then BAM!
4) To be honest with you, once they come out of the deep fryer we're limited in what we can do.
5) Just how DID the stuffing get up there?
6) We've done all we can do, we'll just keep checking on him until he'a nice golden brown.
7) We see a lot of this this time of year. Stinking Pilgrims!
8) We were able to get most of his feathers back in, but we never found his head. Sorry.
Bryan Tribbett, Roanoke, Va.

I've called a urologist to consult. He's an expert on Butterballs.
The worst case of butterballs I've ever seen.
J. C. Winkler, Asheboro

You got him here just in time. That weight reduction plan by Daffy Duck could've killed him.
J. C. Winkler, Asheboro

He'll be ok. Do you need my testimony in your suit against WKRP?
J. C. Winkler, Asheboro

1.)On the bright side Butterball has made you a very attractive offer for the body. 2.)He should have never went to Norman Rockwell's home on Thanksgving!
3.)On the bright side you'll have sandwiches for a week.
4.) I'm afraid he has birdshot of the brain!
5.)We get swamped with cases around this same time every darn year.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
OK, number three almost made us lift our anti-cannibalism ban

Don't fret. The exam went well, Tom will be in all set for THANKSGIVING.
Paul Duval

Is your husband in the habit of responding to mating calls from hunters?
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
cute idea

" Sorry to Say, But Your Days are Numbered ! "
" Your Days Are Numbered ! "
" Run Everyday for Long Life ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

" To put it mildly, he was rear-ended."
" He goggled for the last time."
"The ad said " Work for vegetarian, no crowding And you fell for it."
"He's a little over burnt."
"Not much we can do. He got one leg missing, wings gone, no feathers, .........."
"Emergency! Do you know today is Black Thursday."
"Tell him next time, don't play hide and seek in the oven."
" He lost his head."
"Worst turkey dinner I've ever seen."
" Do you have a good insurance policy?"
'' Tom-Tom has Gone-Gone."
" To put it mildly, he was rear-ended. We get a lot of them this time of year."
"Why did the ' turkey ' try crossing the road?"
James E. Ferrell, McLeansville

* "The turducken operation was a success!"
* "DOA. He arrived plucked, decapitated and frozen. I called the cops"
* "The burns were bad, we had to eat, I mean remove, the legs"
* "He's recovering but needs to lay off the Wild Turkey!"
* "He's under sedation. He kept screaming "Run, Dad, Run. The Axe is Coming!'"
* "He's gone. Want the body baked or fried?
* "I'll get to the point. We ate him but saved the wishbone for you!"
* "It's another late night. We have a backlog of severed heads!"
* "It's not aviary flu. He has TSS (Thanksgiving Stress Syndrome)"
* "Sorry about your father. We tried but too many parts were missing!"
* "Your son, Butterball, is part of the holiday festivities in the cafeteria"
* "It happens every year. The psyche ward fills with deranged, crazed birds!"
* "He said "I show you turkeys can fly" as he jumped from the room on the electric wires. It wasn't pretty"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro
I really liked the "too many parts missing" one. very good.

"You son is going to taste--I mean--BE just fine, Mrs.?Gobbler; he's roasting, er, RESTING comfortably."
Rupert Burton, Greensboro

"His assests are frozen, so there's not much I can do"
Margie Ellington, Reidsville

1) "No, I wasn't your husband's doctor, but I pulled the short side of the wishbone."
2) "Ma'am, did your husband have a 'stuffing' fetish?"
3) "I've never seen anything like it. She birthed a duck, which then proceeded to give birth to a chicken. Strange times indeed."
4) "You haven't seen a guy running around without a head have you?"
5) "Unfortunately, his tryptophan levels are through the roof. All we can do now is wait."
6) "He's extremely dehydrated right now. Be sure he pours gravy on himself six times a day, or he'll dry out"
7) "Please tell your husband next time that a 'turkey shoot' is not a photography lesson "
Grady, Greensboro
Some good ones here, Grady. The "pour gravy on himself" one was very tempting, but it just needed to be shorter somehow.

Are you the idiot that brought in a frozen Butterball?
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
snicker

Sorry without his head nothing we could do.
I don't believe a rooster head would work.
Butterball Inc. says they could use him.
Don Rankin, Greensboro

1.)Every time I get him sutured up those darn people come back for seconds! 2.)Turkey poop everywhere! I can't operate in these conditions! (if I had a nickel for every time I've said that!)
3.) I think ER finally jumped the shark!
4.)It's the worst case of bird flu I've ever seen!
5.)This is the waiting room madam. Please put your clothes back on!
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
Nice!

33. It wasn't blood, someone covered her in cranberry sauce!
34. We did a breast reduction to make her less appealing to the humans.
35. That Sarah Palin sure is a good shot!
36. It was only an ax-iety attack!
Nancy Nelson

He needs to stop trying to fly with the eagles. After all, he is surrounded by turkeys!!
You really shouldn't have said you were going to ring his neck........not this close to Thanksgiving.
Patricia, Greensboro

37. She'll need a closed casket!
38. She's roast now! (Instead of toast)
39. I gave it my best shot but...
40. Her dying request was to give you her drumstick!
41. They're dressing her as we speak!
42. The pumpkin pie did her in!
42. He's gone to that great Turkey Shoot in the sky!
Nancy Nelson
Closed casket was a good one

"She'll be out in a minute. She's getting dressed."
Jean Weatherman, Greensboro

1, Stuffing had popcorn kernels, they popped causing her to blow off the oven door.
2. She's not pregnant, she's stuffed.
3. She just gave birth to a chicken, sorry!
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden

"I would recommend wearing a very sturdy neck brace for the next few days."
Joe Weiss, Greensboro

1. So Fred, did you say that you are a giblet donor?
2. I'm afraid we lost her...her white meat cell count was just too high.?
3. The breast and leg bones have been?broken very?badly.? Did you say that?he?was a victim of a pillage or a pilgrimage?
4.? This is the 3rd "hokey pokey" victim this week!?
Skye Dalrymple, High Point

" I'm Feeling Stuffy Myself ! "
" Let's Keep Our Heads ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

1) "I am sorry sir we lost her... did you want us to keep her wish bone for you?"
2) "Doctor please... I need the morning after pill... I got BASTED last night"
3) "What do you mean it's not mine and it's the wrong color egg?
KK Dalrymple, Denver, CO

"Those were his last words. Oh, and he said I could bring a guest."
"Well, we botched the vasectomy so now I guess he is a Butterball."
"When we shocked him, I guess we got him a little too dry."
"He's awake now and I think he's calling for you."
"We've given him an I V of sage and thyme, you know, just in case."
"Try to keep him out of the straw for at least two days."
"He's one big mess but I'd say we're looking for a leg man."
"I really don't know the procedure so I guess I'll just wing it."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

"Country Turkey Will Survive!"
"Hope Your Friend Had Life Insurance!"
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

" Told You to Stop Playing Around Plymouth Rock ! "
" Broke Drumstick Playing Plymouth Rock !"
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

"He's talking out of his head. It sounds like "I buried Paul."
"You may have to i.d him. They carved him up pretty bad."
"We just can't be sure. He's lost a lot of dark meat."
"Good news. He's out of the woods and roosting comfortably."
"Other than this, are you enjoying the holidays?"
"We think he was a runner. We found a small bag stashed in his cavity."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
Liked the second-to-last one. It made me smile.

1.)George Clooney's yearly Thanksgiving nightmare.
2.)He ate some corn with aflatoxin that Jimmy cracked but for some reason he just don't care!
Tim Tribbett

1.)Nurse! Decapitations always come before ingrown feathers!
2.) I think those dang hunters have set up a turkey blind in my operating room!! 3.)Nurse,please keep the decapitations from running around.It looks unprofessional! Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
Loved the turkey blind. A bit "out there" but that's all right.

1. “It was just an anxiety attack. We get a lot of those this time of year.”
2. “I did my best, but he was really carved up when they brought him in.”
3. “I’m afraid he didn’t make it. Did you want to take home any leftovers?”
4. “So YOU’RE the turkey with health insurance.”
5. “He’s going to be just fine - at least until Christmas.”
Tom Norman, Greensboro

"I'm afraid he'll be left a vegetable."
"He didn't make it. Shall I wrap the leftovers?"
"Now remember to keep his dressing clean."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
Loved the leftover reference. Very close to making runner-up

1. "He's okay, but no more playing wishbone."
2. "We had to do an emergency gizzardectomy."
3. "No more Thanksgiving worries. Our Extreme Makeover team has transformed him into a snowy owl."
4. "Hello, I'm Dr. Turducken."
(Tim, you probably are aware that Turducken is a turkey stuffed with a duck stuffed with a chicken. I imagine a turkey hearing their emergency surgeon's name is Turducken would be like a human hearing Dr. Death.)
5. "We did have to remove some giblets. I've heard giblet soup pairs nicely with apple cider."
6. "When he wakes up, explain to him it was a turkey deep fryer and a terrible place to hide."
Cheryl Kidd
Thanks. I was one of those who didn't know what a turducken was. But the first four letters of the name pretty much turns my appetite off.

His odds are pretty slim. About the same as the Lions winning a game.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro (Happy Turkey Day everyone!)

1) " We tried everything, even the wishbone ! "
2) " We had to remove a pop-up thermometer but she resting peacefully. "
3) " I'm going to give you something for holiday stress. "
4) " We had to remove the wishbone. Good news is I got the lucky end. "
5) " Maybe they blame us for the leaves falling but the humans lose their minds this time of year."
6) " She's dead but you've been offered .89 cents a pound for her. "
7) " Sir your wife is going to be fine, but you are gonna have to put some cloths on!"
8) " This may sound like a weird question but has she been dipped in peanut oil ? "
9) " She was lucky, the pig was spiraled ! "
10) " How in the world did she get stuffing in there ? "
11) " I have no idea what a gizzard is either, but hers is infected. "
12) " Calm down sir, all I said was that we were dressing the wound. "
13) " I'm sorry, we lost her on the table, the kids table. "
14) " I know it's not ideal, but with your insurance I'm the best you've got. "
15) " Has she been any where near Sarah Palin ? "
16) " She's gonna pull through. She's a tough old bird. "
17) " We are gonna have to remove the giblets, hope you like gravy ! "
18) " Do you hate November as much as I do ? "
19) " I'm a turkey sir, so of course I'm gonna wing it. "
20) " She's literally running around like her head has been cut off ! "
Deadpan

"Remember, after a couple of days, you have to change the dressing."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

First the good news; the tumor test came back negative. The bad news; the lab called it an "automatic pop-up thermometer".
Dan Campbell, Greensboro

Turkey Shoots are good for ER Business !
Turkey Shoots Keep Me Doing the ER Turkey Trot !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

“Mr. Rickard has been unconscious ever since they moved his deadline up 24
hours.”
"Looks like Puritan Oil food poisoning."
"He was attacked somewhere in the Plymouth Rock vicinity."
“I’m sorry, in my professional opinion he’s healthy enough to dress out for
tonight’s turkey shoot.”
“This time of year Mad Turkey Disease reaches epidemic portions.”
“Another casualty of the WKRP Turkey Promo.”
“He was a donor and requested that his remains be sent to Butterball.”
“He’s getting carved up as we speak.”
“Someone beat the stuffing out of him.”
“He got his drumstick caught in a snare.”
“The nurse is applying the dressing now.”
"Our pharmacy is over the river and through the woods"
Gray Amick, Greensboro
Looking back over these, I'm not sure why the "remains sent to butterball" one didn't score a runner-up place,

"You can see him as soon as we complete the Puritan Oil transfusion."
Gray Amick, Greensboro

"We've refrigerated the leftovers."
"We successfully removed the baster."
"There wasn't much we could do but he made a family of four very happy."
"You have a healthy 8 lb. Turducken."
"We've already taken care of the arrangements with Butterball."
Brent Wooten, Thomasville

"Your husband got cold-cocked."
"I've never seen a turkey baster stuck there before!"
"Tell him to watch where he's pecking next time."
"Apparently they got stuck while Farmer John was giving your wife 'the stuffing'."
"Don't worry. He'll be up and eating his own feces in no time!"
"He was found lying in his own juices."
"According to the DNA results, your father is Frank Perdue."
"Now I know why they call it a butterball!"
"He was shot by Sarah Palin."
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

45. We're calling in the Turkey Sqad we suspect FOUL play!
46. There were no leftovers!
47. She's just skin and bones now !
Nancy Nelson

"I'd use the stethescope but I can't seem to find my ears..."
"Do you have any idea how hard it is for me to hold this stupid clipboard?"
"Well...we I think we managed to get all 10 White Castle Hamburgers..."
"Well Mrs. Gere it appears to have been a gerbil???"
"The paddles where supposed to be charged to 200 but they ended up at 450, and when I yelled clear..."
"Are you sure you want her to have 40DD with the holidays coming?"
"I told him the news and he told me to go Pluck Myself!"
"Well the bad news is that the burns are pretty extensive but the good news is he can go home with you in about 4 hours."
"I think it's just a touch of the flu but Dr. House wants to perform a Spinal Tap, a partial lobotomy, a CT scan, and an MRI..."
"If you can get the cartoons from August 29 and October 31 we'll be ready to eat."
"The bad news is that the burns are pretty extensive but the good news is the ER has never smelled so good!" (it works really in a cannibalistic sort of way)
"This room is for Medical Emergency's not 'I Need A Place To Hide" Emergency's'"
"Needing a place to hide is NOT considered a Medical emergency."
"I know that they're wings but I just can't make him fly"
"As God is my witness I thought Turkey's could fly!"
"I suppose I COULD just add the implants to the bill if that's what you want..."
"I've always been a breast man myself..."
"I've always been a leg man myself..."
"Do me a favor and lift this mask thingy over my beak..."
"No...but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night..."
"They accidentally transfered him up to the cafeteria but we found him..."
"GottaWannaNeedaGottaHavaBojangles!"
"Gobble, Gobble, Gobble, Oh...Uh...UhHum...It appears the operation was a success..."
"I suggest basting the wound for the next 4-6 hours..."
"I don't care what you saw in a Brewster cartoon I can't make him invisible..."
"Well Mrs. Turk it appears Tom is going to be fine despite that silly duck..."
"Could I interest you in some after dinner mints?"
"What would YOU do for a Klondike bar?"
"Butter or gravy should both be safe without causing any undue irritation."
"He is an organ donor right?"
"Well he saw the catheter and thought it was a baster and he ran out of the room..."
"Every time we put him on the table he shakes uncontrollably..."
"It seems a bit inappropriate to be concerned whether or not he has a DNR no?"
"I am serious...and don't call me Shirley..."
"It's worse than that...he's dead Jim."
"I understand the gravy boat and the stuffing but what's up with the butt-less chaps?"
"He's from Paramus? Where in the world is that?" (shot-out to my hometown but I doubt you'll get why it actually fits the cartoon!!)
"I'm not sure but it kinda tastes like frog..."
"Don't worry...it was just corn...but we still haven't found the cob yet..."
"I need you to get me 25 pounds of stuffing and a gallon of butter...STAT!"
"How long are you going to stand there and listen to these silly one-liners?"
"The operation was a success but why do you want the parts put in a baggie?"
"Don't move...I think there's one on your shoulder..."
"It was just gas...nothing to get your feathers ruffled up about..."
"Put them in a baggie and stick them where?!?!?!?"
"It was a Junior Mint...they're very refreshing!"
"So he eats the blue pill and Yadda Yadda Yadda...he ends up in the E.R."
"He had hair when he was in Top Gun but none on E.R...where'd it all go?"
"Here's one...why did the Turkey cross the road? It was the Chicken's day off!"
"He just won't eat a thing...I think he's stuffed..."
"Don't let his lack of appetite worry you...he's just stuffed."
"I'm sorry ma'am but he didn't make it. I suspect FOWL play..."
"You might want to think about what your wishes might be when the time comes..." (think wishbone)
"Cremation is definitely an option but do you think it's really a good idea..."
"We were able to get the feathers cleaned off but there is still a pretty FOWL smell..."
"Next time she should really try self tanner instead of the tanning bed..."
"The thermostat only goes up to 90 degrees, why, are you cold?"
"We think the hot tub apparently malfunctioned..."
"He suffered a concussion at the hands of a FOWL ball..."
"He'll be fine but I suggest you keep him away from the state fair from now on..."
"Mrs. Turk? I'm Dr. Pecker..."
"We found him face down in a bowl of Cranberry Sauce..."
"He apparently fell asleep at the wheel...we think Tryptophan was to blame..."
"Is your husband a smoker?"
"We've managed to get him out of the turkey suit and...uh...oh...wait...YOUR his wife?"
"We found him running naked through a corn field screaming COLONEL SANDERS! COLONEL SANDERS!"
"I think it's cool whip time!!"
"Next time just reach in and grab him by the giblets. THAT'LL get his attention."
"He'll be fine but you should probably hide the butter for a while..."
"Don't worry Mrs. B...it's supposed to pop-up when he's done..."
"It would seem that page 37 of the instruction manual is missing..."
"Is there a doctor in the house?"
"You wouldn't by any chance be a doctor would ya?"
"Anybody happen to know the score of the Cardinals game?"
"Everything went fine but I seem to have misplaced my Rolex..."
"I think he's cured..." (think ham)
"Somebody got me a gravy boat and an I.V. Bag quick!"
"The mortuary is having a holiday special with 2 sides and a desert for only $8.95."
"I've got good news and bad news. The bad news is that he didn't make it. The good news is that the cafeteria will now be preparing a traditional Thanksgiving meal for your immediate family..."
"Your HMO called and they said they won't cover the entire 4 hours or the mashed potatoes and gravy."
"I graduated top of my class from Frank Perdue Academy in 2001 why?"
"Butterball University in beautiful Garner, North Carolina Class of 98..."
"We called in a specialist...Mr. Lagasse should be here shortly..."
"He's in good hands...he's a Swedish fellow...a little hard to understand though...all I can ever make out is "Bork! Bork! Bork!"
"Has anybody seen my rubber spatula?"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro
Bob, you're still the king of the utterly "out there." That's a compliment

"Well, she's going to make it but I'm afraid she's lost a leg."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"By any chance did your horoscope say anything about escaping a close call?"
"By any chance did your horoscope say anything about having a near miss?"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"Tom, did she say anything about how she wanted her organs handled?"
"Tom, did you and the Ms ever discuss how she felt about organ donation?"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"I assume that you're here about the Witness Relocation Program."
"Tom, have you really through your request to become an ostrich?"
"Before you sign the consent are you sure you want to become an eagle?"
"Isn't it really only the one time a year that you experience this identity crisis?"
"Mr. Thomas, I don't think it's a coincidence that you only have panic attacks at this time of year."
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden
The ostrich-change operation is interesting, but the subject matter shouldn’t stray too far from the Thanksgiving theme

"In answer to your question, there are several things I can give you for a fowl mood."
"What can I give you for a fowl mood???"
"It says on your admission form that you'd like something for a fowl mood."
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden

"Mr. Gobbler, are you aware that your wife just delivered a dozen eggs?
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden

"Tom, let me show you to our 'WAITING ROOM' where you'll stay until Saturday."
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden

"I've got good news and I've got bad news... Your wife didn't make it, but there's giblets for Everyone!!"
"I've got good news and I've got bad news... Your wife didn't make it, but she was awarded the Betty Crocker Best new Recipe Award!"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"She's going to be fine.... she was just allergic to stuffing."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"She's going to be fine. Somehow all of her organs got wrapped in paper."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"Tom, have you really through your request to become an ostrich?"
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden

I am sorry to inform you, but you have acute gobbleitis.
Sorry to inform you, but you're next in line for a stuffed dinner.
Ward Burch, Greensboro