The following is a Counterpoint column:
By Hank McGovern
Moved by Doug Clark's column (April 20), my sadness was matched by disappointment. The telling phrases were "... doing nothing more helpful than mouthing a brief prayer for that pitiful boy ... I'm left with worries..." To reference Hillary Clinton, it really does "take a village." We are all a part of a potentially nonviolent village.
In Clark's situation, I think he could have taken a more proactive approach with the hostile woman that may have made a positive difference. I would like to believe that had I observed the woman yelling at the boy, I would have approached her and used a respectful yet assertive response to her, saying something like, "Excuse me, miss, may I please interrupt you from talking to the boy just a second? You sound like you are very upset and it seems like your mood is only hurting the child. You probably don't want to hurt him, do you?"
If she responded angrily to me, I hope I would have replied back in a firm voice, "Well, ma'am, in all due respect to you, what you are doing sounds hurtful to the boy, so please change how you are talking to him, OK?"
Chances are the approach probably would not immediately enlighten the woman and may have exacerbated her anger. Hopefully, though, it would plant a seed. There's no one right approach, of course, and, for some, a humorous attempt might be preferred and may have defused her anger. "Excuse me, ma'am, but I have been trying hard to hear that car honking its horn down the block. Could you please turn down your volume? I'll bet the boy you're talking to right next to you can hear you." That could make her angrier, too, but I think one or both approaches or perhaps another statement in support of the boy would also send him the message that there are adults who know that how you are being treated is wrong. That message could prompt the boy to talk to a teacher, school counselor or another responsible adult about the emotional abuse.
Regarding our anger toward the abusive woman, Henry Wadsworth Longfellow wrote, "If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should find sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility." We can only imagine the pain she may have experienced as a result of abuse. However, our sympathy for her must not condone her actions. Can we stop the cycle?
The writer is a licensed psychological associate and lives in Asheboro.
Comments (16)
I believe the woman needed to be heard out, understood and accepted. She is probably under pressures unknown even to herself. This display of inhumanity showed her need for an act of true compassion.
Posted by steve | April 30, 2005 8:53 AM
I would rather engage the "angry mother" and tell her to pick on someone closer to her own damn size. I'll gladly take a hit for a kid. I wish more people would do the same if they see it in public.
Posted by Lilly | May 1, 2005 12:25 AM
Lilly, you could kick Godzilla's ass.
Posted by steve | May 1, 2005 2:16 AM
LOL! Oh you made my day steve, thanks and GOOD MORNING everybody!
Posted by Lilly | May 2, 2005 7:49 AM
I think the proper approach with this woman would be a clothesline, followed by a stomp to the stomach area..............
Posted by another bigmouth | May 2, 2005 11:56 AM
I'm certainly glad Jesus never went around pointing at sinners and reminding them that the situation is hopeless and they're going to hell. He reached out to Judas, after the betrayal, calling him "friend". It hurt Him that he'd lost someone He loved.
Had someone taken the time to step-in and set an example of kindness, it may have been just the remedy needed to protect that child in the long term.
Posted by steve | May 2, 2005 2:48 PM
How many times do these "psychologists" get punched in the face? I haven't found that patronizing people who are already in a bad mood works very well. In fact, I've learned that is the LAST approach you want to take. Especially with someone who tells their kid to "Shut up" and calls them "Stupid" in the same breath.
Even Jesus had a soft spot in his heart for kids (remember him promising a very unhappy reward for people who caused kids to stumble?)
Could be that this was a one-time thing where this person lost their temper on a bad, bad day. Or could be this is a norm. Either way, anybody who talks like this to their kid needs to bend over and take a whipping themselves.
Posted by another bigmouth | May 2, 2005 3:14 PM
shut up, stupid!
Posted by steve | May 2, 2005 3:37 PM
What about that "conquer evil with good" thing . . .
Posted by steve | May 2, 2005 3:43 PM
Ok NOW we're there.. the WWJD BS.
I don't think Jesus would be too amused to hear an adult speak to a child like that. Or see one HIT.
What was it he did in the temple that time?
Ok, I bet he would engage that mother.
*places 5 bucks on the table*
Posted by Lilly | May 2, 2005 4:21 PM
Lilliputian,
I know this WWJD BS works because I've been mad enough to kill and have actually been on my way to go do it. Do you think my self-preservation stepped in or my fear of prison? If you believe that, you don't know how mad a person can get.
The thing that stopped me was beyond reason or expectation. It was the hand of God. If any of us hung on a cross in front of our enemies, we would never consider anything outside wishing they would suffer the same torment. Upon His resurrection, He didn't seek out the ones who nailed Him down. He continued to comfort and to love and to rescue the souls of men. That is good enough for me.
Posted by steve | May 2, 2005 5:01 PM
Who you calling stupid, stupid?
Posted by another bigmouth | May 2, 2005 5:10 PM
Meet me at Waffle House, Randleman Road, midnight. I ain't gonna whoop ya, I'm gonna make you eat.
Posted by steve | May 2, 2005 5:24 PM
"What was it he did in the temple that time?"
That's all I'm asking.
I appreciate your religious experience steve. I've had one or two myself.
Posted by Lilly | May 2, 2005 10:03 PM
Leaping Lilly,
Why do you ask? Are you blind? Can you not read? Jesus made a scourge of small cords and drove out the animals that were being sold in the temple. He also turned over the money-changers tables. Was there a Bible movie that depicted him spinning Pharisees on his finger and punting them over a wall? Are you sure this wasn't "Billy Jack" or Buford T. Pusser?
I see . . . ok NOW we're there. You think Jesus wants you to whip up on bad parents as He whipped up on those animals. It seems to me, if you keep on reading, a bunch of Lillies wanted to throw rocks at a woman caught in adultery. So now I ask YOU, what was it He did at that time? *places a hundred bucks on the table*
Posted by steve | May 2, 2005 11:29 PM
He forgave the bitch. That doesnt mean beating your kids or verbally abusing them is ok. I stand by my original statement. You have your jesus zone, and I have mine.
*picks up the $100.00*
Posted by Lilly | May 3, 2005 7:53 PM