News-Record.com

If esoteric humor about how an esoteric subspeciality of newspaper journalists do their jobs doesn't appeal to you, go ahead and skip this post.

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Ahem. In the unlikely event anyone's left ...

For those who don't know, "computer-assisted reporting" refers to database analysis, spreadsheets, mapping and other computer-related tools used by journalists to report and illustrate stories. It originated years ago when PCs in the newsroom were still pretty rare. In the 14 years I've been involved with it, it has gotten a lot more common, but it still has a bit of mystery to it for a lot of journalists. Accordingly, those who are familiar with it often commiserate over common problems -- story-idea reach that exceeds technical grasp, bureaucrats illegally withholding or grossly overcharging for government data, bosses who don't know anything about the methodology and don't care to learn, etc., etc.

All this is by way of background for the following ditty, penned by Neil Reisner of the Miami Daily Business Review on the occasion of his learning that a story required yet another electronic service his office doesn't have. It's sung to the tune of "If I Only Had a Heart" from "The Wizard of Oz":

I would whisk away the data
It really wouldn't matta
Wouldn't care about the cost
Oh the stories i'd be gettin'
I'd be beatin' all the bettin'
If I didn't have a boss.

Now that you've picked yourselves up off the floor, where you collapsed in a heap from laughing so hard you sprung a rib or three, we'll move on. Thanks.