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9:00 a.m. - 9:02 a.m.
Whoever is in charge of CTU today: Jack, Chairman Kaga's life is in danger, and you are the only one who can save him, thereby averting an international crisis. You'll need to go undercover as a challenger on Iron Chef.

Jack: Does this mean I get a meat cleaver?

1 p.m. - 2 p.m.: Kitchen Stadium

Chairman Kaga: Your judges today include a young cute Japanese actress, food critic Asako Kishi, CTU agent Kim Bauer and President David Palmer. The theme ingredient is ... giant squid! Allez cuisine! (Taking a bite of a bright yellow pepper.)

Chen Kenichi races to grab his portion of the theme ingredient. Jack Bauer pulls out a small device.

On-floor commentator: Kui-san! Iron chef Chen Kenichi is wrestling with the giant squids he'll need for his dishes. He's taken live squid, dried squid, powdered squid and the rare three-eyed albino squid.

Male commentator: I have nothing worthwhile to say about that, so I'll make a bad joke here.

Cute young Japanese actress: Tee-hee!

On-floor commentator: Kui-san! Jack Bauer is ... just standing there.

Bauer makes a call on his PDA/cell phone/infrared device.

Bauer: Chloe! I need you to send me all the recipes for giant squid in the CTU system. Upload it to my phone, now!

Chloe: Umm, Jack, we don't have ...

Bauer: Chloe, I need you to trust me. Get me those recipes!

1:15 P.M.: 45 minutes left

Jack hangs up, and races over to the table for his squids. The live giant squids prove troublesome. Jack pulls out a gun and shoots a squid, killing it.

Meanwhile, Kim Bauer has left the judges' table and stupidly wandered into the busiest part of Kitchen Stadium. She trips over a cameraman's cables, getting herself entangled. As she falls, she grabs at the counter, pulling a pot full of water with her. She is now laying in a puddle of water, wrapped in electrical cables.

Jack is distracted by his daughter's distress, but he keeps cooking. He looks over and notices that Chen is much further along on his dishes than Jack. Jack glances around, then furtively pulls out a tranquilizer gun and shoots Chen.

1:30 P.M.: 30 minutes left

Male commentator: Iron Chef Chen has fallen to the floor. I wonder if this is a new technique from him? Can we find out what's going on in the kitchen?

On-floor commentator: Kui-san! Iron Chef Chen has just fallen to the ground!

Jack realizes he'll never finish his dishes in time, and he looks around the room, his gaze settling on Chen's assistants, who look confused. Jack sneaks up behind one of the assistants and grabs him from behind.

Jack: I need your help. You have to trust me on this, but the fate of Chairman Kaga lies in the balance. You have to help me finish my dishes.

Jack releases the assistant, who hurries over to Jack's kitchen. Jack looks at Chen's other assistants, who quickly follow the first. He ignores Kim, who is mewling on the ground, as he crosses back to his side.

1:45 P.M.: 15 minutes left

Male commentator: There is no activity in Iron Chef Chen's kitchen. I wonder if he is taking more of a minimalist approach?

Cute young Japanese actress: Tee-hee!

Male commentator: That wasn't a joke.

On-floor commentator: Kui-san! Iron Chef Chen is still on the ground!

Suddenly, Jack seems to remember what his real mission is. He looks around for Chairman Kaga and is relieved to see he is safe. He turns his attention back to his shark-fin souffle, which has been threatening to fall.

1:55 P.M.: 5 minutes left

As the clock ticks down, Jack adds the final Sparrow's Nest and Bok Choy garnish to his dishes.

1:59:55 P.M.: 5 seconds left ... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ... 1!

Jack Bauer barely finishes his garnishes. He looks around. Chen is nowhere to be found.

On-floor commentator: Jack! How was your time in Kitchen Stadium? How do you think you did?

Jack: My name is Jack Bauer, and this was the longest hour of my life.

On-floor commentator: Um. OK. Kui-san! I can't seem to find Iron Chef Chen!

Jack looks around. He notices Chen is no longer laying where he fell to the ground.

Jack: @#@%#$@

Jack runs off to look for Chen, convinced Chen is behind the plot to harm Chairman Kaga. Meanwhile, the judges start sampling the food.

Japanese actress: Tee-hee! I like the different flavors in my mouth.

President Palmer: I will taste the food, but I already know that Jack has done well. I trust him, no matter what.

Kim: (Continues to mewl on the ground while two kitchen assistants come to her aid.)

Suddenly, the camera swings to food critic Asako Kishi, who, like always, has an evil glint in her eye. She waves her hand over President Palmer's plate and powder falls on his food, although no one seems to notice.

Meanwhile, Jack has returned with a tortured-looking Chen Kenichi. He pulls out his phone to tell CTU to send a chopper, when suddenly President Palmer falls to the ground. Asako calmly takes another bite of her food as Jack looks on, confused. The camera pans slowly away from a close-up of Palmer's face as he stares off into space, and you can almost hear the groans of angry fans who know they have just been handed a cliffhanger ending to the show.

To be continued. Maybe.