News-Record.com

How much do White House speechwriters get paid? Whatever it is, it's not enough.

Tonight's assignment borders on the impossible. President Bush obviously wants to deliver an upbeat message about the State of the Union, but his wordsmiths have lousy material.

The economy's got hiccups. The war in Iraq is as nasty as ever and becoming a severe drain on military resources. New Orleans and the Guilf Coast are still an awful mess. Iran is scaring everybody, and there's very little we can do about it. The Palestinians have just put a band of terrorist killers in charge of their parliament. The Medicare prescription drug plan has senior citizens in a tizzy. The deficit is in orbit. Democrats are raising cain about warrantless wiretaps. Republican congressmen are up to their eyeballs in Abramoff sleaze. Energy prices are terrible. Osama and his henchmen are threatening new attacks on U.S. soil. And national unity is shot to you-know-where.

Draft a pep talk out of that, will you?

Don't laugh, but what I'd recommend if I were part of the White House propaganda machine would be: Shoot straight.

That's right. Go through the whole litany above, and then some.

Dare the Republican politicians in the House chamber to slap their hands together even once.

It's not like the American people aren't aware of the country's troubles. They aren't going to be swayed by the partisan hoo-rahing. Tell them this isn't an occasion for self-congratulation, because none is due.

Take responsibility for mistakes and miscalculations, but look the camera dead-on and say:

"That's the way it is, and that's what we've got to work with here in Washington.

"Now, low approval rating or not, past mistakes notwithstanding, I'm still your president, and I will be your president for almost three more years. This is your Congress, subject to whatever changes you decide to make in November. All of us together are responsible for the State of the Union, and we've got to tackle all these problems together.

"I propose that the way we start is by setting aside as much of the partisan brawling as we can. I'll begin by immediately replacing four of my Cabinet secretaries, including the attorney general, with Democrats and dismissing Karl Rove. I'm not running for anything, so I don't need a White House political adviser anymore. I do need to gain some credibility and goodwill on the other side of the political divide.

"Next, I'm going to confer just as often with Democratic leaders in Congress as with Republican leaders -- not to adopt the policies that appeal to their liberal base but to form sensible strategies that a solid majority of Americans can support.

"Furthermore, I'm going to reach out even more to our international allies to see if, collectively, we can get a handle on world problems that seem to be racing out of control.

"I don't have all the answers -- I guess that's what some of you have been saying for quite a while -- but I'm going to try harder to find them, hopefully with the help of a lot of people whose ideas I haven't considered much before.

"This isn't about politics anymore. I'm ready to quit that game. This is about strengthening our country, pulling us together, building a secure and prosperous union once again. I'm asking for your support and your prayers, because I want the next State of Union Address I deliver to be one that all Americans can applaud."

All right, so I guess I'm fired. What kind of job prospects are there for former White House speechwriters?