News-Record.com

A state trooper’s private travel diary:

This wasn’t what I signed up for.

When the sergeant called me in for this assignment, he made it sound like some sort of lark.

“Officially, your job is to provide security for the first lady on her trip to Europe. Of course, she won’t be in any danger. No one in Europe knows who she is. Heck, most people in the state wouldn’t recognize her. And there’s no reason anyone would want to do her harm, anyway.”

“Then why am I going, sir?”

“Because a state delegation that includes the governor or a member of his family rates a security detachment. That’s you.”

“Will I wear my uniform and carry my firearm, sir?”

“Absolutely not. No need to draw attention to yourself, and Europeans don’t cotton to Americans with guns, not even if they’re law-enforcement officers.”

“Will I be driving her in a rented vehicle?”

“No need for that. They’ll have a chauffeured limousine at their disposal around the clock.”
“Around the clock? Are they sleeping in it?”

“Don’t be an idiot. They’re staying in high-class hotels. The governor has cars and drivers on standby here, and the first lady will have one there.”

“Won’t that be expensive?”

“Obscenely. But it’s not your concern. You just worry about your own expenses. You’ll be responsible for your meals, and remember that state employee reimbursement rates still apply: $7.50 for breakfast, $9.75 for lunch and $19 for dinner. You won’t be reimbursed if you exceed those amounts. They ought to be adequate. Prices are on the high side over there, but it’s not like you have to pay 60 bucks for a cheeseburger and onion rings.”

“Of course not, sergeant. That’s ridiculous.”

“Right. Well, all you have to do is accompany the first lady everywhere she goes and make sure she doesn’t have any accidents. Questions?”

“Just one, sir. What’s the purpose of her trip?”

“Purpose? I suppose they’ll call it 'cultural exchange’ or something like that. Who cares? Just go along and enjoy the sights. It’s a plum assignment.”

As it turned out, I did see some sights all right. It was quite an experience to watch the first lady and her entourage — they took to calling her M’Lady or Your Ladyship — live it up, and never mind the cost. Drinks and hors d’oeuvres at the grand hotel, then dressing up for dinner at some pricey eatery. Ordering the finest dishes on the menu. I’d grab a meal at some modest cafe — good food but within my limits — and once or twice they invited me to try some of their fancy fare. Maybe they thought I was starving. I didn’t eat much of it.

Then they’d head to the ballet or theater. For what they paid for tickets, you could get a good seat at the ACC Tournament.

As for official business, well, they met with some artsy types and talked about bringing collections of this or that to the state art museum for an exhibit. Not much seemed to get done. I don’t know anything about it, but it seems to me a couple of phone calls could have accomplished as much.

Nobody asked my opinion, and I wouldn’t give it if asked. My job calls for discretion. But I do know that expense reports of state employees are public records, so I’m sticking to what the sergeant told me. Then I won’t have any explaining to do when it all comes out, as it will sooner or later. I’m not about to risk getting fired for trying to bill the taxpayers for a hundred-dollar dinner and a bottle of French wine. If I want a European vacation, I’ll put it on my own credit card. Not that I could afford it. But some people don’t have to worry about losing their jobs.

At least no one got into any trouble over there, not even close, so I guess I did what I was supposed to for whatever that was worth.

They were all nice folks, but I didn’t feel I belonged on their junket. All in all, I can’t wait to get back on the highway chasing down speeders.

I might pull over the first chauffeur-driven Mercedes I see out there.

Thanks for reading this totally fictitious article, which is not based in any way on any real-life inviduals. I mean, how could it be?

You can call me at 373-7039, email me at dgclark@news-record.com or post a comment here.