News-Record.com

My column today:

(Oops. This was supposed to go up tomorrow.)

Milt Mild’s campaign manager, Ax Grinder, leveled with him.

“Milt, the election is less than four weeks away and we’re stuck in quicksand. It’s time to change our tactics.”

“I really like our 'Wild for Mild’ fliers. Aren’t they making an impression on voters?”

“Nobody’s reading them. And voters don’t care about your qualifications to be a judge, anyway. We’ve got to take a page from all the big candidates and go on television in full attack mode.”

“I can’t do that, Ax.”

“Why not?”

“With our campaign spending limits, we don’t have enough money for TV ads. And, even if we did, I don’t want to go on TV and say, 'I’m Milt Mild and I approved this scurrilous slander.’ ”

“Boss, don’t worry. We can solve both of those problems. I’d like to bring in Jess Lyon, who can set up an independent organization that can raise big dollars and run attack ads without your name being any part of it. She’s right outside. Let me ask her to come in and explain.”

“Hello, Mr. Mild. Nice to meet you. I’ve operated a lot of these independent organizations that exist outside the control of election-finance laws. I’d propose calling this one 'North Carolinians for Honest Courts.’ I’m already running a similar outfit that’s active in the governor’s race.”

“I’ve seen the ads. They’re nasty and not very truthful.”

“My candidate’s opponent has dropped 5 points in the polls since they’ve aired.”

“Please continue. Where does the money come from?”

“The usual special-interest groups that support our party.”

“But my race is nonpartisan.”

“Officially, yes, but we tell them the courts will favor their issues if we get our judges elected. We can raise at least a half-million dollars, maybe twice that much.”

“Then what?”

“We tear your opponent to shreds with a series of hard-hitting criticisms of his performance on the bench.”

“How so? I mean, I think he’s been a good enough judge. I’m just running against him because I’d like to have the job.”

“People will think he’s a travesty of justice when we’re through with him.”

“Jess, tell Milt some of your ideas.”

“Sure, Ax.

“Mr. Mild, I’ve been studying the judge’s record and have come up with some disturbing things he’s done.”

“Really? Like what?”

“He associates with criminals.”

“He’s a judge! Who do you expect to see in court?”

“He lets some of them out of jail ... for money.”

“You mean he sets bond for suspects awaiting trial?”

“We don’t have time for details in a 60-second spot. He has never once ordered the deportation of an illegal immigrant.”

“State judges can’t do that.”

“A technicality. He takes children away from their parents and gives custody to the government.”

“Sometimes judges have to remove children from their homes in cases of abuse and neglect.”

“Voters don’t want to hear excuses. He lets witnesses swear an oath on the Quran.”

“The law allows that option.”

“I don’t think the good Christian people of this state want Islamic radicals taking over our courts. And he doesn’t even have the Ten Commandments displayed in his courtroom.”

“I wouldn’t, either. I believe in separation of church and state.”

“He’s had Christians thrown into prison.”

“You mean if they’ve committed crimes?”

“He’s heavily invested in Big Oil.”

“How so?”

“Through the state pension fund.”

“Sounds good to me.”

“He tortures people.”

“What?”

“What do you call it when a dozen men and women are held in a box all day long?”

“A jury?”

“Every day, he suppresses the First Amendment right to free speech.”

“By enforcing order in the courtroom?”

“And Second Amendment rights.”

“No firearms in the courthouse?”

“He’s dangerous.”

“To felons?”

“They call him Fibber.”

“Who does?

“They do.”

“They’ll be calling me Fibber if we run ads filled with garbage like this.”

“No, they won’t. Because these ads won’t have anything to do with your campaign. You’ll have deniability.”

“I’d rather have plausible deniability.”

“It’s your choice, Mr. Mild. Do you want honest courts, or do you want to win?”

Thanks for reading. Feel free to give me a call at 373-7039, email me at dgclark@news-record.com or post a comment.