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In the near future, maybe:

A craving for a burger hit me, so I stopped at a fast-food place.

The menu board gave me a jolt. A quarter-pound cheeseburger, $8.95?

“Is that the right price?”

“Yes, sir,” a teenaged girl behind the counter nodded with a nervous smile.

“It was more like $2.95 the last time I was here. What’s going on?”

“I’ll call the manager.”

A moment later I was looking at a middle-aged man with sad, tired eyes.

“Can I help you?” he asked.

“Yeah. Why have your prices shot up all of a sudden?”

“Not all of our prices,” he asserted defensively.

I looked again at the board. Cheeseburgers, hamburgers, chicken sandwiches, sausage biscuits ... all outrageous.

“Wait a minute,” I said. “Your salads. They’re still priced about the same.”

“Right,” he said proudly.

“And you’re got some new items up here. Carrot sticks, cucumber wedges. Oh, no. Soyburgers?”

“Quarter-pounder, only $2.35,” the manager said, “or $2.50 with a slice of tofu.”

“Do you sell many of those?”

“No,” he admitted, looking a bit downcast.

“I still don’t get what this is all about,” I told him. “Why have some of your prices gone up so much?”

“It’s the meat tax,” he said. “It just went into effect this week.”

“The meat tax? What’s that?”

“You must have heard of it. It’s been in the news.”

“I don’t get much news since the newspapers folded,” I said crossly.

“The government meat tax,” he repeated. “On account of the environmental costs of producing meat. All the feed for the livestock takes up land that could be used more efficiently to grow grains and vegetables for people. And the animals emit tons of carbon dioxide, methane and other waste products. Then they have to be trucked to the slaughterhouse, and processed, packaged and shipped again. It all contributes disproportionately to global warming and overuses valuable resources. Not to mention the animal cruelty.”

“This is incredible,” I said. “A burger joint has a manager from PETA.”

“I’m just doing my job, sir,” he said, a bit offended.

“I thought your job was to sell sizzling, fatty, red-meat, all-American hamburgers at reasonable prices.”

“Times have changed,” he said.

Rolling up my eyes, I noticed the beverage prices.

“Is that six bucks for a regular cup of coffee?”

“Yes, sir,” he grimaced.

“Can you explain that? Are we against slaughtering coffee beans now?”

“No, sir, but we have to import them from South America. That requires a lot of energy, so there’s a high carbon tax that has to be passed on to the consumer.”

“Now I’ve heard everything,” I shouted.

“Please, sir,” the manager pleaded. “You’ll upset our other customers.”

I glanced around.

“There are no other customers.”

He surveyed the empty dining area.

“Oh, you’re right. I guess I’m not used to that yet.”

“You should get used to it,” I said. “Americans aren’t going to put up with this. Sure, a lot of us are cutting down on red meat for health reasons. But that’s our choice. We try to support local food suppliers when we can. But you tell me who’s growing coffee around here, or tea or even orange juice. And don’t tell me you can substitute soybeans for any of them. If the government thinks it’s going to force me to eat what it wants me to eat and drink what it wants me to drink, it’s got another thing coming. I won’t be treated like a back-alley junkie, or worse, a filthy cigarette smoker just for enjoying a patty of charbroiled ground beef once in a while. Those power-hungry do-gooders will have to pry my burger out of my cold, greasy fingers!”

I glared at the cowering young lady behind the cash register.

“Give me the biggest cheeseburger you have,” I ordered, “and I don’t care what it costs.”

She turned red and looked at her manager, as if asking for support. He nodded.

Mustering her courage, she addressed me in a timid voice.

“Yes, sir. But first I have to ask you to step onto that scale.”

She motioned to the floor next to me.

“That scale? Why?”

She swallowed hard before replying:

“If you’re overweight, I’ll have to add the fat tax.”

Thanks for reading. You can call me at 373-7039, send me an email dgclark@news-record.com or post a comment here.

Addendum, May 6: Oh, sure, serve fat, juicy burgers to these guys.