News-Record.com

By Keith Forsyth and Luke Snyder:

A craving for a burger hit me, so I pulled my H3 into a fast food place.
The menu board gave me a jolt. A quarter-pound cheeseburger was off the menu??
"I'm sorry, your menu seems to be wrong, I don't see any kind of beef product here"
"No sir, that's exactly right” a teenage girl behind the counter shook her head and said with a tentative smile.
"Wait, I'm sorry I'm a bit confused, that burger is your signature item."
"Oh, well I guess I’ll call the manager"
A few minutes later I was looking at a middle-aged, jaunt jaundiced man.
"Can I help you sir?" he asked sounding incredibly fatigued.
"Yes, yes you can. Why would you ever take your signature burger off the menu, and for that matter where are all your beef products? Tell me, where's the beef"
"Now hold on, there's still meaty-style products there on the big board, just look."
I paused worried I had made a mistake and scoured the board for any sign of cattle, but all that was there was soylent red quarter pounder, soylent yellow nuggets. "Oh I see. Soylent red, soylent yellow, soylent green even."
"Exactly!" He proclaimed, shaking off the fatigue for just moments.
"I'm sorry, but these are all new to me. I don't know that I've ever had soylent products, are they any good?"
"Well... not really, I haven't had anything but french fries in weeks. But they're cheap! Some of it is even made in China."
"You can't possibly sell much of this if you promote it like that"
"I'm usually too tired to make it out of the back."
"Well tell me why the beef is gone already."
"It's the lack of cattle" he said. "They've been dwindling since grazing lands have been disappearing"
"Wooooooah, hold on there. The lack of cattle?"
"Yes, lack of cattle. Ever since we deregulated business and the environment, suitable lands have been dwindling. Then the climate change really took a hit on the global food economy. There hasn't really been much coverage on Fox News, but it is happening"
"NO. WAY."
"Yeah, even Kansas is gone, dried up turned into a dust bowl."
"Now I know you're lying, Kansas can’t possibly be gone."
"That's where I grew up. Anyhow, since no one wanted to pay attention to the real cost of things, and all they cared about was the market value vendors started cutting corners. They started dumping again, stopped paying attention to safety regulations. Costs went down, they were bound to, no more frivolous lawsuits when limbs were lost. No more testing for lead, no more government at all it feels like."
"This is ridiculous; we should do something about it."
"Why? Profits are at an all time high!"
"But I want a burger, a succulent greasy all American burger."
"But you can have soylent for so much cheaper, not that there's any beef around anyway."
"Jeez" I sighed and looked back towards the big board. "Where's the orange juice? What's this? Tang! You can't possibly be substituting Tang for OJ!"
"Ever since Florida’s been turned into that new water park there haven’t been many oranges, but don't worry there's been talk of asking Venezuela to help us with our shortage"."
"Venezuela! VENEZUELA!"
"Please sir you're disturbing the customers"
"That's it I'm going across the street for a real burger."
"Oh. No sir I don't think that's going to work, there was a hostile takeover. That burger joint is ours now."
"Fine, I'll eat here. But not forever, just today, I'm not going to be complacent about this. Give me the biggest possible burger with American cheese, dripping with grease."
The cashier turned and grinned a big teenage smirk and said "Okay, one soylent red with soylent yellow, and victory cheese... To go?"
"You know what, no, I'll eat it here.” She turned red and looked at her manager as if asking for authority. He nodded.
Puffing up her chest, she addressed me in a matter of fact tone.
"Fine sir. But first I have to ask you to sign this contract and take an oath."
"Contract, Oath? Why?"
She scoffed before replying:
"If you would like any more soylent you'll have to prove your loyalty."