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... actually let me clarify that. Because of fantasy baseball, Roger Clemens is tearing me apart.

First, let me describe my feelings toward Clemens. I don't like him. This diatribe by ESPN's Bill Simmons, is very similar to the way I feel - although I'm not a Boston Red Sox fan, so I'm not as bitter about Clemens' refusal to acknowledge the Boston fans.

No, I'm more ticked by the naked hypocrisy of Clemen's career. Throughout his time in Boston, I was pretty much neutral toward the guy. I didn't take a side when he warred with management (although Simmons and many Sawx fans I know will tell you Clemens really was a fat, lazy slob when GM Dan Duquette made his infamous "twilight of his career" comment.) I didn't have a problem with his desire to leave Boston. After all, he was allegedly very much a family guy, who really wanted to move back to Texas. Secondary to that, supposedly, was his burning desire to win a title.

So naturally he signed with ... Toronto?

Hey, I actually kinda like the Blue Jays - I attended a game at old Exhibition Stadium back in the day - so you'd think I'd be pleased by Clemens' decision. Instead, I was insulted. Here was a guy who harped about wanting to be close to home in Texas and he chooses to play in Canada? A guy who is known for his burning desire to win suits up for a club that everyone knew was mediocre, at best? It was a naked grab for cash and Clemens didn't have the decency to admit it.

Strike one.

So Clemens gets himself in shape and has two fantastic seasons, sticking it in Duquette's face in the process. While many wondered if his best days were behind him, the Blue Jays stepped up and showed their faith in Clemens with a huge (at the time) contract. Clemens repays their faith by using some dubious opt-out clause to leave Toronto after just two years. Translation - he had gotten his money and now it was time to win. Oh, but he still made noises about maybe getting back closer to home ... then signed with the Yankees instead. The juggernaut Yankees who probably could have added me to their roster instead of Clemens and still won the title in 99. Clemens wins Game 4 of an already over World Series against an overmatched, injury-depleted Braves squad and gets his beloved ring. Pardon me while I puke.

Strike Two.

So Roger hangs around New York for a few more years, collects another ring and enjoys the best run-support a guy could ever want. Finally, though, he hangs it up. It's time, he says, to quit the grind and go back home to Texas to be with that lovely family. Clemens retires.

(wait for it, wait for it)

To the astonishment of no one, Clemens gets antsy and decides to "un-retire" by joining his hometown Astros. Seven years after talking about wanting to play closer to home, Clemens finally gets around to it. It doesn't hurt that the Astros essentially let him wander into the clubhouse, pitch, leave and then show up the next time his spot in the rotation is up. All that retirement talk, and riding into the sunset crap? Well, it kinda sticks in the craws of Yankee fans. And for once, I sorta sympathize with them.

Strike three.

Which brings me to my current dilemma. Back when my fantasy co-owner Marshall and I were doing our auction draft (we are the Iorg Brothers. He's Dane and I'm Garth. And yes, we're both in our 30s with steady jobs and families) we decided that Clemens would be worth taking a flier on. So we got him for just a $6 bid.

It was a shrewd move and one that could save our season after injuries to Felix Hernandez, Rich Harden and BJ Ryan have sidetracked us so far.

So when Clemens announced yesterday that he was coming back - again - and coming back to the Yankees, I was thrilled. He would do wonders for our rotation. He would win games with that potent Yankee lineup behind him. He was a heck of a lot better than Kei Igawa, who's been killing our WHIP and ERA so far.

But ...

He's Roger Clemens. Mr. Family Guy who needed all that special treatment last season from Houston is now commuting to ... New York? He's going to make more money over the rest of the season than the entire Devil Rays lineup, so it can't be about the money can it? Nahh.... He could have gone to the Red Sox, who actually have a better team this season, but something tells me New York probably offered a bit more cash. So maybe it really was about the money with Roger. It almost always is.

So, you see how this is killing me inside? I must root for Roger to do well - against every fiber in my being - if I want the Iorg Brothers to do well.

I suspect I'll find a way to make this work, because that's what tried and true fantasy baseball players do. We sell our fan souls for better stats. I once fielded a team of me-first egomaniacs in which Gary Sheffield and Frank Thomas played prominent roles. My fellow league owners dubbed my squad, "Team Despicable."

Yes, I'll learn to cheer for Clemens ...

But it won't be easy.