News-Record.com

By Ricky Bobby
(July 27, 2006)

My story is of a man who could only count to 1. I’m the best there ever was. I wake up every morning and take a long piss of excellence. I vomit victory and crap desire. Actually, I crap red, white and blue – not because I’m patriotic but because I have a medical condition. Maybe it comes from eating 20 loaves of Wonder Bread a week and washing each one down with a gallon of Powerade.

Growing up in West River, N.C., all I wanted to do was go fast. Until I was 9, the only words I ever said were, "I want to go fast." Even if I was playing with a Jack Hawk 9000 hunting knife, all I could say was, "I want to go fast." My mom was worried, but she finally realized I had an innate obsession with speed. That was reinforced on career day, when my daddy finally showed up to come back into my life. He hadn’t been around much since I was conceived in the bathroom of a steakhouse. The women were lining up for Reese Bobby that night, and he chose my mama, Lucy.

I’ll never forget what my daddy told the class that day, after he told us not to listen to the teacher but before he got kicked out of the school: "It’s the fastest that gets paid, and it’s the fastest that gets laid." As he left he said something that changed my life: "Son, always remember, if you ain’t first, you’re last."

My big break came in the Laughing Clown Malt Liquor car. The crew chief, Lucius Washington, asked who wanted to go fast. I raised my left hand and slammed my right foot down.

Not long after that I met my smoking hot wife. She’s hotter than eating 10,000 packs of Big Red all at once. If you rate her butt on a scale of 100, it’s easily a 94. Her butt is so hot it made a plane fall out of the sky and caused fatal traffic accidents – which was great because Hank and all the guys at McReedy Funeral Homes do such a terrific job. She’s definitely smoking hot, but, you know, I look good – I mean damn good – in my Julio’s Thongs for Men.

Me and my smoking hot wife have two boys, Walker and Texas Ranger, and they’re winners – just like Ricky Bobby. If we wanted two losers, we would’ve named them Doctor Quinn and Medicine Woman. My boys are just like me, especially in their love of Chinese Prune Candy.

For all you smoking hot ladies out there who aren’t my smoking hot wife but might want to replace her someday, I recommend and heartily endorse Maypak – the tampon of NASCAR.

I started to win races right away, and fans love me because I drive so hard. As an American, I can honestly say my country needs me to win. Racing for points is for gay French Formula 1 drivers like my rival Jean Girard. Even my team owner wants me to race for points, but with all due respect, that idea ain’t worth a velvet painting of a whale and a dolphin getting it on.

I was so good so fast that I talked my owner, Mr. Dennit at Dennit Racing, into starting a team for my best friend, Cal Naughton Jr. Me and Cal call ourselves Shake and Bake. Growing up together, me and Cal always thought of duo nicknames, like Peanut Butter and Jelly, and Farts and Matches, but nobody really wanted to be Farts. So Shake and Bake was by far the coolest.

Sometimes Cal will say, "Hey, Ricky Bobby, why can’t I finish first sometime?" And I say, "Cal, if you win, how can I win at the same time?" We can’t both be the best there ever was.

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