Do people still do that?
I had a talk over the weekend that was like stepping into the twilight zone.
I'm thinking about marriage in a theoretical, sometime-in-my-life kind of way. It's impossible not to as all of my friends are getting married. I decided to ask a friend of my family, an older guy who works in finance, if he could tell me what to keep my eyes open for on the financial side.
I have a clear idea of what I want in a partner for the love, honor, cherish, forsake all others part. But richer and poorer is in there too, and I've given it almost no thought.
Pretty much I wanted to know what I could expect if I married someone at my same income level. I have a calculator, I can figure out some of that myself, but I was curious what an expert would say.
After an hour on the phone, I still don't know the answer to that question. But I know there are still some people in the world who think that a woman is making a mistake if she marries a man who can't support her. Support meaning pay for everything.
There was this amazing doubt in Mr. Finance's voice when he said "Do you want to work?"
Would it be nice to never have to work? Heck yeah. I could totally get down with the garden club, make some babies, learn golf. But I can't really say that has ever been a goal of mine. Especially not a goal to achieve by hitching myself to the right man.
I've never thought of my employment -- the most important thing in my life -- as a hobby.
After the conversation I found myself thinking "I'm so glad I don't live in his universe." But do I?
I need some men to tell me why they want to pay for everything and some women to tell me why they want to have everything paid for. Am I the one living in the twilight zone?
Comments (7)
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I guess I like to pay for everything because I'm old fashioned when it comes to dating and relationships. Alot of girls like to pay occasionally though and I don't mind, but they like getting spoiled too and I don't mind that either.
One of my career goals was to get to a position in my field where I make enough money so that if I ever get married and have kids that my wife would be able to stay home with the kids, but only if she wanted to. That kind of life isn't for everyone, but I've got to believe that it will be nice to have that option presented.
Posted on July 18, 2007 9:31 AM
I dated a guy for a while who insisted on paying for everything. Every time. Everywhere we went.
At first, that was refreshing. After all, I've gone out with guys before who have been the total opposite - asking me out and then expecting me to pony up for at least half. Time after time.
But I'm also into the idea of an equitable partnership. And, in that case, there was a huge disparity.
In a long-term relationship, (this, coming from someone who is not in any way an expert on anything long-term) I think you've got to put more than money on the scales. If one person has a part-time job but manages the house, pays the bills, handles the finances, keeps things running smoothly, those things are worth as much, I think, as bringing home a hefty paycheck.
If someone doesn't want to work because they're lazy, that's one thing. But if one person brings home the money and the other is willing or content to care care of that big list of little things, I sort of get that.
Posted on July 18, 2007 10:38 AM
I was married to the most wonderful man for16 years. When we first got married both of us worked. My husband was a truck driver and was only home maybe 1 day out of the week. It got to the point that the only way we saw each other was if he came to my work when he was home. We soon grew tired of that, so we decided together that I would stay home with our son. That worked out great for us. Then my husband was killed and I am now working again. I think that if you are married and you have children and you are financially able to stay home, then you should. The housework, washing, cleaning, and especially taking care of the kids is just as important and has a monetary value as working public work and bringing home a pay check. You expect that paycheck every week when you work outside the home, what do you get when you work in the home? It's not a matter of wanting everything paid for or not, it's what's best for the relationship and family that truly matters. If you can afford for one of you to stay home then that's what you should do. But, you have to do the cooking, cleaning, washing, and taking care of the kids. Not just sit home all day and do nothing.
Posted on July 18, 2007 6:19 PM
Due to living in the south, I just assume I pay for everything when we go out. I remember i dated someone a couple of years ago that brought up an awkward situation. One week, we went out tuesday, thursday and saturday. I paid for everything at the coffee shop, restaurants and bars. The next wednesday, she called and wanted to go out and i said i couldn't. I was out of money. She said i should be a little smarter with my money and then she asked "What did you spend it all on?" She ponied up on wednesday. that was a nice change.
Posted on July 19, 2007 9:21 AM
Patricia -
I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. Your husband sounds like a wonderful man.
I think you're totally right about having a stay-at-home parent (of course, I'm jaded because my mother worked from home when I was a kid so there almost always was a parent around).
But it seems increasingly tough for couples to swing that sort of arrangement financially. And I think a lot of younger people see giving up their careers as sacrificing a key part of themselves.
Posted on July 19, 2007 12:04 PM
There's always something that irks me about the unspoken assumption that it will be the woman who stays home.
Posted on July 20, 2007 7:11 PM
I totally agree with Elizabeth -- I knew going into marriage that I would never be the one to stay home -- it would drive me crazy! Luckily, I married a guy who is completely content to stay at home with the eventual kids and keep house while I go out and have a fulfilling career. There are guys out there who were raised to believe in equality in everything, and if that's important to you, keep looking.
Posted on July 31, 2007 3:47 PM