Find yourself a friend - with benefits
A friend of mine recently joked that she wanted someone that she could call occasionally, with no strings attached, for an evening.
And not for an evening of playing cards.
Somewhere out there, people have friends-with-benefits. But I've never heard of it starting easily or ending well.
I've never gone that way for many reasons. So often I hear that one person becomes attached, and then it's a problem. For many, there's a big moral issue to get around. There's also the possiblity of a health risk. And with any relationship, there's expectations.
Friends-with-benefits seems to only exist on television sitcoms and in a comedian's punch line.
So does the friends-with-benefits arrangement only work well on paper, but not in practice? Have you ever heard of one that worked with no complications?
Comments (8)
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What happens in (insert vacation destination here), stays in (insert vacation destination here). The ones that work best are the ones you never hear about.
Posted on July 20, 2007 10:07 AM
I sort of fell into a friend-with-benefits situation during my first semester of college. And, wow, did that end badly.
For a while, it was fun - no commitment, a casual hookup every now and then, no worries about a lot of emotional baggage. But then I got attached and wanted more out of it. He appeared not to.
The funny thing is that this guy, who I'll call Mr. Dramatic because of his interest in theater and his penchant for melodrama outside the stage, ended up being the one who got hurt. (My friends had a funnier name for him, but I can't write it here.)
When he made clear he wouldn't commit, I took him at his word. And fooled around with someone else. Then Mr. Dramatic found out. And flipped out.
Even though we eventually started dating, he never really committed. And I ended up breaking things off, after about eight months, to date someone else. He was devastated. And I was totally confused, since he hadn't shown much emotion about anything until he realized I wasn't going to stick around.
Ever since that mess, I've shied away from the friends with benefits thing. The potential for disaster is way too high, even if you start things off with good intentions.
Posted on July 20, 2007 11:04 AM
The problem is we're trying to define "Friends with benefits" in a manner not consistent with society. In the real world, it's called random acquaintance who you occasionally sleep with.
I could write a whole paper on this, but if we're talking about straight relationships between men and women, then there "is" no such thing as "friends with benefits." For one thing, men and women can't be friends. It's always friend plus something more. It's the laws of nature. It's biological unfeasible, unless one is Gay.
Secondly, if there ever was a "friend with benefits", it would basically mean a) we've somehow managed to overcome every genetic adaption mankind has made in the evolutionary process, and monogamy and marriage would no longer be needed, or b) we're talking about same sex relationship, where next door-housewives, & man-moms are cheating with one another while their partner is out at work.
Wait.. hasn't that been common "for like, forever?"
The truth is, if the idea of "FWB" appeals to you, go join up with the local swingers group and get a years membership.
Posted on July 20, 2007 1:17 PM
Sounds like another casualty of the FWB club... Beth, do you need a platonic hug?
Posted on July 20, 2007 5:13 PM
I would not mind a FWB situation and it could always lead to more if no goals are set then no disappointment.
Posted on July 22, 2007 10:38 PM
No matter what, women get semi-attached after sex. It's one of those stupid hormones that men don't have that makes us bond after sex even if he's a total loser. I'm pretty sure if a women is willing to take her friendship with a man to the FWB level, there is a certain amount of attraction and interest, therefore leading to feelings, emotions and overall territorial feelings. If another women came between the FWB thing, she would be hurt...at least a little and what man wants to deal with that drama??
Posted on July 25, 2007 10:27 AM
It's perfectly possible to be a woman and not get attached in a FWB relationship -- and it's not always about having a friendship with the guy first.
Posted on July 31, 2007 3:51 PM
I had a FWB and it worked out well. He was younger and an amazing lover. We got together whenever we were both available ... for good conversation, good food and great sex. We drifted apart when I relocated to another part of the state - but we parted as friends.
Posted on August 10, 2007 4:53 PM