The "boyfriend jab"
I think men are big fibbers. Like how all of them say they like women better with no make-up, but then when you wear make-up they tell you how good you look. Or like when they say they want to be friends, but then when you tell them you have a boyfriend you never hear from them again.
Just like the point of disclosing some information is to be enticing, some of it is meant to say "buzz off" in the subtext of dating speak. At the very least, it is meant to establish some parameters. But not always. Sometimes you can take information at face value. I think.
Like the other night, when I met a guy who asked if I wanted to hang out sometime, and I was like, "Sure! You don't mean a date, do you?"
See, I was a little sneaky here, because I do have a boyfriend, but I know that if I had deployed the "boyfriend jab" this dude would have heard "I'm being nice to you by not actually using the words 'leave me alone.'" And I genuinely wanted to get to know him. Mainly because he was wearing a cool red baseball cap that advertised a tow truck company with the slogan "Omaha's best hookers." It might not have been Omaha, but still, I love a hipster.
So I just kept the fact that I've been living with my boyfriend for three years under my hat, he assured me that he didn't mean a date, and later on he called me.
And it just so happens that my boyfriend's work takes him out of town for occasional trips of four or five weeks and now is one of those occasions. And we both have friends of the opposite sex who we don't sleep with and we're both fine with that. And we both meet new people of the opposite sex who we don't sleep with and we're fine with that.
So when Omaha's Best Hookers said he would call me, I sort of figured we would go grab a beer somewhere and get acquainted, maybe go to a party if he were feeling a little bold. But instead he called and suggested a combination of two things that I love. Swimming and drinking wine.
And now we get back to that dating subtext thing. Like the time me and a guy drank our weight in beer and I asked him if we could go look at the stars. But I really did just want to look at the stars.
And this time, I really did just want to go swimming.
Later, in the pool, in the moonlight, plastic cup of merlot in hand, he asked me if I had a room mate or anything. Then I told him that I have a boyfriend who I've lived with for three years. Then we talked about music and photography for about an hour, then we returned to our separate abodes. He said he would call me and we would hang out again. I'm not holding my breath.
Can you guys (the northern you guys, the one that includes boys and girls) tell me about your run-ins with dating doublespeak? Have you taken someone at face value and been disappointed or pleasantly surprised? Should I fully disclose my entire situation when I meet someone new, even if it means I severely limit my options?
Comments (5)
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I've often told women that we should just hang out and have a few laughs because I make a lousy boyfriend, but I'm a great friend.
Most of them do take my offer at face value. We go out (or we meet up somewhere), we have some laughs and at the end of the night, we go home. Maybe four out of 10, after a few nights of hanging out--over a period of time--try to take it to the next level and turn the friendship into a relationship.
You do run the risk of limiting your options, but you should give full disclosure on your situation when meeting new people.
Posted on July 27, 2007 10:18 AM
Oh boy...
Yeah i got called on the whole "Wanna hang out?" She actually had me on speaker phone with her girlfriends when i answered that. I told her it was a date and that was the truth.
In another scenario I asked a certain someone if she wanted to hang out and she showed up with 3 friends and a guy that one of her friends had hooked her up with. Talk about being a 5th wheel on a date I had planned.
Wingman 26:17 "Being subtle sucketh."
On the flipside, I had a chick ask me if I wanted to get some crab dip at M'Coul's. I wasn't hungry so i said "Why don't we have another beer and chill with the people here? (here being a club)" Dumb move on my part.
The best doublespeak is when she says nothing and looks at you hoping you will say the correct words and you're looking at her waiting for her to say what ever she needs to say because we had an awkward pause during the convo.
I think disclosing the boyfriend part upfront is a good thing. he knows right where he stands and so do you. Having your boyfriend near you helps him to realize this versus him thinking you are playing hard to get.
Posted on July 27, 2007 10:42 PM
Ruby,
First, a caveat emptor: It seems that our approaches to relationships are different (i.e., neither my long-time girlfriend nor I would approve if the other were to go swimming and sip wine with a perfect stranger), so maybe you want to take my advice lightly. But I think you need to employ the boyfriend jab up front.
For you, it's a cost-benefit thing: Letting them know you're taken might cost you the opportunity to get to know someone, but it gives you the benefit of not wasting your time with men who are just trying to get into your pants.
For the fellas, it's all about not stringing them along -- which, not to put too fine a point on this, is what you seem to be doing. If you say, "I'm serious, it's not a date," a man hears, "I'm being coy. Please come to my residence and try to have sex with me."
It ain't that you gotta tell every fella you meet that you've got a boyfriend. But if things progress beyond simple conversation to actual hanging out, yeah, you probably should.
Posted on July 28, 2007 6:03 AM
Wow, Megatron? No, Galvatron -- you make it hard on a girl.
If "I'm serious, it's not a date," means "please come over and try to have sex with me," then I'm really worried about the messages I've been sending to men my whole life when I say "yeah, lunch sounds great; how's Thursday?"
My goal -- and I'm sure a lot of women's -- isn't to be coy. I'm curious why you would assume it is.
So this swimming-and-wine example is pretty out there. I chose to post it because it's absurd and comical, but it still gets at the point that its difficult to know whether you are being understood.
M?NG, Do you think there is a middle ground? Is there a way to deliver the message "I have a girlfriend [but it's still OK for us to get to know each other]," when it's so easy to say "I have a girlfriend [so scram]"
Posted on July 28, 2007 6:29 PM
Ms. Ruby,
Don't get the wrong impression. I'm not saying you're actively trying to be coy -- I understand and, frankly, appreciate your efforts to want to be friends with members of the opposite sex. I'm just trying to explain how your earnest, friendly chatter gets translated when run through the cortexes of many a gentleman. I'm sure I exaggerated a little bit in the interest of cleverness -- if a girl invites me to hang out, I'm not vain enough to assume she wants to jump my bones -- but I'd at least have that thought in the back of my mind.
Let me put it this way. When I meet a lady in a social situation, I don't jump to tell her I have a girlfriend. It doesn't define me, and it's frankly a little boring to hear about if you've just met me. But if she asks to do something (and I'm interested), I'll say, "Oh, yeah, I'd like that. Hey, should know up front that I have a girlfriend. But I've enjoyed our talk and wouldn't love to have (lunch/coffee/whatever) in whatever setting makes you comfortable."
I don't actually say it like that, but that's the general message. And if you say that to someone in a friendly way and they or back off, well, hell -- they probably weren't worth getting to know in the first place.
Posted on July 30, 2007 12:06 AM