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Have you ever had sex to gain something, boost your social standing or prove you could get it on with someone who is clearly out of your league? A recent study shows men are more likely than women to drop trou for these reasons.

Researchers found that surprising. But they weren't shocked that women are more likely to say they had sex because of love.

My favorite part of this study - a detailed analysis of why people have sex, based on responses from students at the University of Texas - is that men are more inclined to say they've had sex just because the opportunity presented itself, the other person demanded they have sex ... or because they were slumming.

People hop into bed together for many reasons: To get power, to relieve stress, to get off, to show love, to get exercise or simply because they're propelled by too much booze.

What motivates you toward sex? And have you done the deed for less-than-noble reasons?

The first girl I kissed was not of my skin tone. I was 13, it was spin the bottle, and it landed on Courtney. So we kissed.

She was cute, too.

It wasn't a big deal to me or my friends - several interracial couples lived around the neighborhood.

In this new millennium, mixed couples seem to not turn as many heads as they might have in 1991.

But this isn't a discourse on society's thoughts on race and relationships. That topic is exhausted.

Instead, I want to know - does hotness know no color? We know about jungle fever, and its permutations.

I have a shameful secret to share: I've gone out with guys, many a time, for the meal.

Now, I'm not talking about long-term relationships here. Just, instead, casual first or second (or maybe third) dates where I happened to be more interested in the main course than the man.

That might sound crass.

But when you bring home a journalist's paltry paycheck, ramen quickly loses its appeal. The prospect of a fancy dinner - on someone else's dime - is so much more seductive.

During a stint working in Manhattan, I hit high-end restaurants on dates with older men who, with padded wallets, egos in need of stroking and lots of time on their hands, were the perfect targets. I was pleasant, chatty and flattering. I didn't change my story or tell them tall tales.

But I was mainly there to avoid another lonely night with a cup of noodles seasoned with MSG.

I tested the same M.O. during college, when younger guys who seemed to know no financial bounds offered to upgrade dinner from cheap Chinese to a three-course Italian meal. White tablecloths would always win me over.

Ladies, have you ever stooped to my level - going on a date for reasons other than the guy? And fellas, do you despise me now that I've revealed my dirty little secret?

The strangest place a guy has tried to pick me up is the cheese island at Harris Teeter.

The nicest place that happened was a snowy sidewalk in the middle of the block we both lived on.

The first place I saw my boyfriend was a dance studio about 10 years before we got together.

There are times that the place I've met someone seems to make all the difference -- or that place becomes invested with new meaning because of an encounter there. Where have you met dates? What are the scenes of your glorious or pathetic strike-outs? Mine was the freshman mixer dance at college. I drank some fuzzy navels, then told the cutest boy there exactly how cute I thought he was.

I still can't think of the student union without seeing his face, lit by the strobe light, rolling his eyes.

I've heard several definitions:

-He/she has kids and an ex-spouse.
-The last boyfriend cheated on her pretty badly and she's not trusting or interested in relationships.
-They've just come out of some traumatic life event (parent loss, fired from a job, disease diagnosis, etc.).
-He/she's been a "player" for most of their lives and, aside from a dubious hookup history, doesn't have a faithful track record.
-They're clean now, but just spent time in rehab to get that way.

The list goes on.

Whatever the excuse, nobody seems to want damaged goods in a mate. Problem is, that would pretty much keep any of us from coupling up, and pretty soon the human race would come to an end.

Somehow we get over it. What I want to know is how it's done.

I've turned a blind eye to craziness after a bad diagnosis, helped people through change after the loss of a loved one, and seen my never-married bachelor friends marry single moms.

At some point, I've heard those people all described as "damaged goods." Despite that, the relationships worked out.

Why do we seem afraid of dating people with a bad reputation or tough pasts? At what point is it too much to take on with someone else? What issues have you overlooked in someone that would turn others away?

Breaking up in the digital age isn't easy.

There aren't just boxes of stuff to sort through or debates over which books and CDs belong to whom. What if you share a blog? An e-mail address? Computer files? Your laptop? Or a Web site?

I was talking to a good friend recently who made a joint e-mail address with her boyfriend when they moved in together. Let's call them John and Jane, to protect their identities.

They started a blog, chronicling their adventures together. They got engaged and created a wedding Web site.

Then they split up. Suddenly JohnandJane@EmailAddress.com wasn't such an appealing alias. Posts on the blog became bitter, and the site fizzled and died. And the wedding Web site? Yeah, so much for that idea.

Meanwhile, John and Jane were wrangling over digital files. Whose TV shows were on whose computer? Had they shared e-mail passwords? What saved personal information was in the wrong place? And how to notify all their friends of new e-mail addresses and outposts on the Web.

The whole thing made me realize how much more complicated the ritual of returning stuff becomes when you throw the Web into the mix.

Have you ever been through a hassle like this? How have you handled the division of stuff when you've split up from people?

The Economist wrote in its science section this week that charitable giving might be just another form of conspicuous consumption designed to attract mates. Here's the story

They say that men give money to charity as a way to show their fitness as a provider, much like they do with conspicuous consumption, and women do charitable work -- volunteering -- to show their superiority as a mate.

Now, I've done some volunteering as a way to meet people, but mainly because I wanted to help out with whatever cause or charity or whatever. I've never been aware of a drive to volunteer to show that I would make a better girlfriend than another girl who doesn't volunteer.

So I'm dubious about the main thrust of the story, but I can definitely support the idea the writer uses to introduce it:

"The human brain is the anthropoid equivalent of the peacock's tail. In other words, it is an organ designed to attract the opposite sex."

I guess if I were out at dinner with a guy, already enjoying myself and feeling an attraction develop, then learning that he spends money on charity might make him more attractive to me.

What do you think? Have you volunteered or given money as a way to make yourself more attractive to someone?

It's Friday night, you're out at your favorite hangout with a buddy, having a cold beer after a long, hot workweek.

You didn't notice her when you walked in, but she's with a friend. They're doing pretty much the same thing as you and your buddy - chatting, catching up, relaxing. You make eye contact with her from across the room. Maybe she just happened to look your way, maybe she's interested. There's only one way to find out, really.

So, how do you do it?

Send your buddy over as a wingman to break a little ice with the girls while you head to the bathroom, come out and then come in with your game?

Wait for her friend to walk off, then get her one on one?

Walk over and chat with them both, use a simple (but funny) pickup line, and have your buddy come in as wingman to backup a minute later?

Go straight up and say that she's been driving you crazy for the past half hour and you have to meet her?

What's the play?

And I hope we get some women responding here, too. What would you prefer?

So today's post is about how you define cheating.

Is it all about intent? A thought? Or does it have to be something more concrete? Something physical?

Is a kiss enough? Or does your definition of cheating require the clothes to come off?

I got to thinking about this Friday, when I was reading this article in the weekend's Wall Street Journal.

Basically, it tells the story of a middle-aged married man who has built a virtual life for himself in Second Life, that online community that lets you build a digital existence for an avatar, often an idealized Web-based version of yourself.

The problem: This guy isn't just married in real life. He's also shacking up with a chick in his Second Life.

The whole story's hilarious, and a little creepy. My favorite quote: "'It's really devastating,' says Sue Hoogestraat, 58, an export agent for a shipping company, who has been married to Mr. Hoogestraat for seven months. 'You try to talk to someone or bring them a drink, and they'll be having sex with a cartoon.'"

Part of me says that's cheating. And part of me says it's totally unreal - maybe sex with an online character doesn't really count as sex. Apparently affairs limited to cyberspace aren't legally considered adultery. Legality aside, though, they've got to take an emotional toll.

Where do you draw the line on cheating? And how does technology - be it flirting or sex in a chat room, on instant messenger, through text messages or by phone - complicate things?

In an earlier post we went over the wingman.

Many commenters tended to view that as an unnecessary and useless game.

We all play games. Sometimes a date notices, others go below the radar. And it usually drives us nuts once we're keen to a game that a date is playing.

I had a girl-friend who once told me that for most first dates, she's intentionally late by about five minutes because it builds anticipation. She had a lot of first dates.

Anyone who's seen Swingers knows all about the two day rule. For those who have not, it's this: wait at least two days after getting someone's number before you call.
I've heard women say that drives them crazy. And not good-crazy, either.

What do you do when you figure out someone else's game? Play along knowingly or call them out? What games bug you? Have you had any backfire?

I don't think that much about what I order on a date.

Sure, I'll cruise the menu, consider a few options, cut out the most expensive item.

I probably won't order something that's hard to eat or that's likely to get stuck in my teeth. But, beyond that, I don't really consider what my food choice says about me.

Recently, though, I was talking with a friend about the food dilemma. You know, how some women order steaks to seem like they can cut it with the guys? And other women go for a salad because they're afraid they'll otherwise look fat?

This friend - a guy - reads a lot into women's menu picks. If a chick orders something she doesn't really want to eat just to present a particular image, he says, then what's to say she won't skew the truth during the rest of the relationship?

I think that might be going a little overboard.

But it's clear what you order - and eat - makes some sort of first impression.

Ladies, do you have rules about what you eat on a date with a new guy?

And fellas, do you even notice what a woman is eating?

Or are we all just over-thinking things?

The couple times I've actually tried to get into an exclusive club or bar, I got past the velvet rope only if I had a group of girls along.

No girls, no entry.

It's the two-chicks-for-every-dude rule. When turned away, it only made me want in a little more, 'cause I knew hotties waited inside.

What if it was even?

At the freakonomics blog, there's a description of a woman who was refused from the club.

They wanted to let more guys in.

I disagree, even though I'm one of those duffs who doesn't have the wallet or Brad Pitt looks to get in to those places.

If I have to bring girl-friends along to make my chances of getting in easier, that only makes my chances of getting a date easier once inside.

And I can let the other dudes buy them drinks. My buddy once said, "Before 11, you're buying drinks for another man, anyway."

What do you think? Make the clubs more even, or keep the status quo?

I was having dinner earlier this week with some friends who are now engaged.

I found out after they started dating that I had been on dates with him. I knew that he and I had gone out to dinner, had drinks, gone to movies, hung out at his place, the works. I knew he liked me -- I mean, I liked him too, that's why we spent all this time together.

What I didn't grasp -- at all-- was that he dug me. I heard from a common friend months into the couple's relationship about how frustrated he would be after hanging out with me. He told our friend that everything would be going great, then I would fall asleep on his couch or the movie would end and I'd take off.

Seeing him again makes me wonder about all of the couples who remain unrequited because there was no spunky little hermit crab to intervene and orchestrate a kiss.

Now, if I'm making the first move, there is never a question a move has been made. I can't think of a time I have wondered whether someone got my meaning. But there are those of you out there who have played it close to the vest or waited for the other person to make the move. Did it work out in the end?

Living together is a complicated issue in my family.

Growing up in a more conservative, religious household, I was spoonfed the idea that shacking up with a boyfriend someday would be a grave sin. Not only would it put a stain on my reputation, but also it likely would make any future marriage more likely to end badly, according to my mother.

I didn't really think about that until, within the past few years, everyone I know started moving in together. Suddenly party invitations came from a pair of people. My girlfriends began referring to home as "our house."

For a while, I stayed a member of the anti-cohabitation crowd. Not because I thought that was the moral high ground. And not because I had any problem with other people sharing space - though I was surprised at how quickly people would move in together, committing to shared space and a shared life after only a few months of dating.

I just didn't like the idea. Sharing a bathroom with a guy on a regular basis? No thanks. Having someone else around in the mornings when I'm grouchy and the evenings when I just want to decompress from the work day? Not the best idea.

One night, I found myself at a bar with a close friend, both of us ranting about how we weren't going to get tied down. Then, less than two months later, I decided to move in with my boyfriend of two years.

The response from my family was not good, to say the least. No one disowned me, but there was a constant stream of disapproval and I heard many lectures on how this would ruin marriage for me and drive my future chances of a happy union downhill.

I think friends found it funny, now that I'd followed suit and made a decision to do something I'd so strongly opposed before.

Deciding to live together, though, didn't make me a total convert to the arrangement. I'm not anti-cohabitation, but I also haven't joined the camp of people who believe it's a necessary step in a relationship and important to try on before marriage.

So weigh in, people. Where do you stand on living with your significant other? When is it a good thing, and when is it a problem? And what have your experiences told you about the way living with someone changes or affects your relationship?

Negging.

It's the art of taking a hottie down a notch to get her wondering why you're not drooling all over yourself.

Then she puts a little more of herself out there, and makes it easier for you to close the deal.

Hey, I didn't write it, I'm merely a conduit for the message. Until recently, I knew nothing about negging.

Now this mystery guy has turned some of the fundamentals of dating-theory around and made men more effective at getting numbers, and notches on the bed post.

Call me old-fashioned, but being a decent human being with a slightly dry sense of humor seemed to work for me.

But I'm willing to see what is the method behind a guy like Mystery (not his real name). Shoot, now he even has a VH1 show about getting average dudes paired with hotties.

So, anyone out there familiar with this Mystery Method? Is it worth a darn? Would you consider taking one of those crazy-expensive courses?

Then again, it's cheaper than a Ferrari.

Ever read advice columns online or in the newspaper?

Inevitably, once every few weeks or so, there's a letter that goes something like this:

"Dear so-and-so, My boyfriend was so svelte when we started dating, but after two years of a relationship, he's really put on the pounds. Now I'm having trouble getting all hot and bothered over him. Is there something I can say or do to fix this problem? Help!"

Or this:

"Dear so-and-so, Since we moved in together, my girlfriend has stopped hitting the gym and packed on some weight. When I bring this up, she just gets angry, and we end up fighting. Is there any solution?"

Inevitably, the columnist says something about loving a person for who they are - not what they look like - and planning joint fitness or health activities, like eating good meals together or going for a hike on the weekends.

It's a tough thing when your partner changes his or her appearance in a way you don't like. Some people opt to ignore it and tell white lies. Others harp on the changes until they cause tension and trouble. What's the happy medium, though?

Have you ever been involved with someone who let themselves go - or kept themselves up in a way that really turned you off (a new haircut, maybe, or a drastic change in wardrobe)? If so, what did you do?

And what do you think the appropriate response is to a partner's gaining weight or changing in a way that bothers you or turns you off?

A few weeks back my friend Doug was talking about how there always seems to be a sticking point in his past relationships where things just get too familiar - same thing, night in, night out, day in, day out.

Not that it's a bad relationship, but that there seems to be a case of the doldrums. It's not boredom, he said, it's just that things have gotten too routine.

Then I thought about couples that seem to be happy are ones that do stuff all the time - go out to a different place, try new things together, get into new stuff.

Doug and his girl will spend Saturdays doing what they like - he goes racing, she goes to yard sales and such - and then get back together. Another couple I know does a new activity together on a weekend every month or so. Stuff like climbing, yoga, tennis and such.

And there's the old bed & breakfast retreat that lots of people do.

When you don't want a different companion, but want something new going on, how do you do it?

Is it a matter of finding a new activity to do in tandem? Spending more time alone on new things and then coming back with that to the relationship? How do you inject a little more excitement to fight back stillness?

We've written about breaking up in this blog before, and we doubtless will again. It is a mine so rich we may never see the bottom.

This American Life had a tragic and hilarious segment yesterday about the music you listen to after a breakup. It got me thinking about the music that has been most cathartic to me. Most of the Pulp Fiction soundtrack does it for me; in particular track 13: Flowers On The Wall - The Statler Brothers

Also, Natalie Imbruglia's "Torn" and Weezer's Undone. I had Imbruglia's haircut for, like, 3 years after that. I guess I should be thankful in a way that those songs were in heavy rotation the last time my heart was mercilessly broken.

The coolest thing about the This American Life segment was the narrator actually wrote and recorded her own breakup song and played it as part of the piece.

That made me think of all the breakup art floating around in the world. I even have a sad relationship song -- more of a "why doesn't he call me" than "why doesn't he call me anymore." Her bravery has inspired me. Give me a few days to shape up my song and I'll put it up here. It should be funny.Not this funny, but funny.

I encourage you to also share the creative product of your misery. It will be like an anonymous, online trust-fall.

In the meantime, what are your favorite songs to listen to when you just want to keep feeling sad, lonely, abandoned, forsaken...you know, dumped?

Can a cat person and a dog person set aside their differences and find love together?

OK, so that's sort of a silly question.

But pets play a pretty large role in relationships. And if you don't like your partner's pet - or your partner's pet doesn't like you - there definitely could be a problem.

I have a good friend whose rather large mutt hates her boyfriend and is generally unfriendly to men. Everytime the guy comes over, her dog barks and growls and, ultimately, has to be put outside.

Then there are the poor guys who get subjected to women's teacup pups. They end up standing in the shoe section of Macy's, waiting for their girlfriends, and holding the hot pink Juicy Couture dog carrier with the chihuahua or mini pinscher inside.

Perhaps the worst situation, though, is my poor boyfriend. He's a dog person, with visions of a large canine companion to roam the backyard and go along on hikes. Yet he's stuck with my cat - no small challenge, considering that he's allergic and spends a lot of time blowing his nose and popping allergy pills.

But I'm a cat person. And there was no way I was going to give up my pet when we moved into a house together. Still, I know that hasn't been too easy on him.

What role do your pets play in your romantic relationships? And do you see yourself as incompatible with someone who can't take your side in the cat-dog debate?

A few buddies I know have had women approach them when they believed that they were at their dirtiest (or close to it).

Right now, let's make a difference between cleanliness and hygiene. It's possible to be dirty, but have clean teeth and non-overpowering B.O.

We're talking about stuff like after a hike, some yard work or washing the car/dog. Not gross from helping your cousin move the compost pile and clean the gutters.

My friend Geoff once found a date in the produce section on his way home from playing an hour of basketball. He was picking out oranges.

For guys, it could just be that, when sweaty, we're surprised that anyone would speak to us. So we notice when someone does.

But for the point of discussion - and I know people like this are out there - does a good, honest, sweat make some people more attractive?

Is it pheromones? Is it the thought, "If so-and-so has it happening now, then just imagine how they might clean up?"

Knowing that a good shower has many benefits - Wingfella condones using soap with water, folks - have there been times that you've been a little grungy but still managed to meet someone?

How about the other way? Have you ever approached a guy or girl who had a little dirt under their nails, because of the dirt under their nails?

Last night Secretary was on TV.

It's the story of a pretty unconventional romance. There's some spanking and other kinkiness. It's hot.

But in real life it's not like that. You wait a while before telling somebody you're into something a little different. And everybody is in to something a little different.

What lets you know when it's time to let down your guard a little and bring out the blindfold or fingerpaints or cheerleader's outfit?

Ever had a close friend whose partner or spouse you just can't stand?

In college, I dated a guy for more than a year and felt like my friends always were a little stand-offish with him. When we broke up - after he cheated on me and stole money from me (yeah, this one was a real winner) - I found out that my friends had hated him all along. They tried to be tolerant and supportive, but hanging around the guy just gave them the creeps.

I thought about this yesterday, when a caller to one of my favorite radio shows asked how she could run a background check on her close friend's fiance. She didn't trust the guy and was worried about her friend's well-being.

I'm guilty of doing things like that. Maybe it's the once-burned, twice-shy thing. When my friends start dating new guys - particularly ones who rub me the wrong way or strike me as a little sketchy - I can't help hopping on Google, taking a tour of MySpace and checking out public records online to make sure my fears aren't justified.

Yeah, it's sort of passive aggressive. After all, I could just tell my friends that I'm not a really big fan of their current boy toys. But something always keeps me from being that blunt.

What would you do if a close friend was dating a guy, or girl, who turned you off or made your skin crawl a little bit? Would you tell them how you feel? Or would you just stay out of things?