Change your look - or pack your bags
Ever read advice columns online or in the newspaper?
Inevitably, once every few weeks or so, there's a letter that goes something like this:
"Dear so-and-so, My boyfriend was so svelte when we started dating, but after two years of a relationship, he's really put on the pounds. Now I'm having trouble getting all hot and bothered over him. Is there something I can say or do to fix this problem? Help!"
Or this:
"Dear so-and-so, Since we moved in together, my girlfriend has stopped hitting the gym and packed on some weight. When I bring this up, she just gets angry, and we end up fighting. Is there any solution?"
Inevitably, the columnist says something about loving a person for who they are - not what they look like - and planning joint fitness or health activities, like eating good meals together or going for a hike on the weekends.
It's a tough thing when your partner changes his or her appearance in a way you don't like. Some people opt to ignore it and tell white lies. Others harp on the changes until they cause tension and trouble. What's the happy medium, though?
Have you ever been involved with someone who let themselves go - or kept themselves up in a way that really turned you off (a new haircut, maybe, or a drastic change in wardrobe)? If so, what did you do?
And what do you think the appropriate response is to a partner's gaining weight or changing in a way that bothers you or turns you off?
Comments (4)
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I think those two different circumstances you outlined call for different measures.
Don't like his fashion decisions -- haircut, wardrobe, the sudden appearance of ice on his ring finger? Keep it to yourself. The "What Not to Wear" devotees will tell you otherwise, but fashion is both highly personal and highly subjective, and it's not really your place to bitch and moan about someone else's threads if they're an otherwise decent person. If you're in the type of relationship where you can be honest about things like that, then by all means be honest, but I wouldn't harp on it. And if it's really that bad, your man- or woman-pals are likely to get grief from their friends and realize the error of their ways.
(Or, to put it in high school terms, "Don't be so superficial.")
Weight gain is another thing entirely because it's not someone's conscious fashion decision. It's unbecoming and unhealthy, and I suspect it's a lot more of a turnoff than even the most ridiculous tattoo or haircut you could get. At the same time, though, people who have gained weight absolutely do not want to hear about it -- they know, they're aware of it all the time, and the last thing they need is for someone they love to pile up on them. The best solution is probably tact: Inviting your beau to the gym, for example, but couching it as a new way to hang out and to be healthier instead of as a way to make him less fat. Or offering to make "new" meals together (doing so naked is always fun) that happen to be good for you. If and only if that doesn't work, it might be time for the sort of caring sitdown where you express, in positive terms, your concern -- "I'm getting concerned about your health and want you to be happy and healthy" versus "I didn't sign up to have sex with an orca."
All this, mind you, assumes you're in a long-term relationship where you love a person and want to stay with him or her for a while. If it's a fling or a short-lived thing and you don't really care, you might as well cut the cord and invent an excuse. Better to hurt someone's feelings when it's young than to hurt them later over something you knew all along.
Posted on August 27, 2007 7:52 AM
I absolutely hated my girlfriend's body spray scent, Plumeria. When we lived together, I would wake up to that smell all over the apartment. I told her once and she laughed and said she had no plans to change it until she got tired of it. My solution was to wake up and get my shower first. Then i could leave before i had to smell it first thing in the morning. She also loved to wear tube socks with the yellow and chocolate stripes. I could say i hated that too but it gave me something to laugh at.
Posted on August 28, 2007 8:44 AM
Shawty -
I'm with you on those suggestions about how to work together to whittle down your partner's weight without putting them in an uncomfortable position. But what if subtle suggestions and attempts at teamwork don't work? Is there a next step when you're worried about someone's health?
I've been through some minor weight ups and downs and have been lucky enough to date people who didn't really care about that. Still, I can't condemn people who are unhappy with their partner's weight and find their attraction waning or their concern about their partner's health growing.
Chronicles -
I don't blame you. Plumeria is pretty nasty-smelling stuff.
I'd been using a Bed Head hair product for a few months before the guy I was dating uncomfortably brought up the subject. He hated the fruity, sugary smell that it added to my hair. And it lingered all day long, making him reluctant to get to close to my head.
I ditched the product pretty quickly.
Posted on August 28, 2007 11:16 AM
That is a pretty tough one. If we are truthful, normally appearance first grabbed our attention to be with our current significant other. Physical attraction is a very strong thing. Physical attraction is often tied with what at least some of us see as discipline (e.g., exercise to keep a svelte figure) and caring enough to want to look good for ourselves and for our significant other. So, having trouble with your sweetie for "letting him/herself go" isn't always just about the superficial, it can also be about a loss of discipline and the "get up and go" personality that might have attracted us in the first place.
Posted on September 2, 2007 8:47 PM