Dealing with damaged goods
I've heard several definitions:
-He/she has kids and an ex-spouse.
-The last boyfriend cheated on her pretty badly and she's not trusting or interested in relationships.
-They've just come out of some traumatic life event (parent loss, fired from a job, disease diagnosis, etc.).
-He/she's been a "player" for most of their lives and, aside from a dubious hookup history, doesn't have a faithful track record.
-They're clean now, but just spent time in rehab to get that way.
The list goes on.
Whatever the excuse, nobody seems to want damaged goods in a mate. Problem is, that would pretty much keep any of us from coupling up, and pretty soon the human race would come to an end.
Somehow we get over it. What I want to know is how it's done.
I've turned a blind eye to craziness after a bad diagnosis, helped people through change after the loss of a loved one, and seen my never-married bachelor friends marry single moms.
At some point, I've heard those people all described as "damaged goods." Despite that, the relationships worked out.
Why do we seem afraid of dating people with a bad reputation or tough pasts? At what point is it too much to take on with someone else? What issues have you overlooked in someone that would turn others away?
Comments (3)
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The reasons we (as a society) could be afraid to date someone whom we may considered to be damaged is because we may not to put in what we perceived to be extra time in helping that person. Also, that person may need time to heal from some old wounds. I've been in that boat, as a divorced male who has struggled to find a new relationship.
The reason, I believe, some people turned a blind eye to me was because I was still hurting from the failure of the marriage up until maybe a year ago. In time the hurt fades away and you are able to apply the lessons learned to new relationships.
But, if we really get down to it, we all have something in our past or in our current lives that someone may find to be damaged. When you find someone whom you truly love, respect, and care for, none of that will matter, I believe.
Posted on August 7, 2007 10:03 AM
Shannon-
I think that a lot of people expect a finished person, and so few of us are that.
Maybe it's just a double-standard?
Posted on August 7, 2007 11:10 AM
In high school and for part of college, I dated a guy who came from a nasty family situation.
Let's call him Bookish Guy.
His parents had gone through a harrowing divorce. His mother was nuts. His father was definitely not all there. And it was wreaking havoc on Bookish Guy and his sisters.
He was a mess. Needy. Dependent. At one point before we started dating - but when we'd been close friends for years already - he attempted suicide.
Through all that, I stayed with him. Damaged goods? Definitely. But somehow that didn't put me off. We split up eventually when I was in college, but it had little to do with all his baggage.
Fast-forward a few years to another relationship, this one with The Older Man. He was suave. Smart. Put-together. Twenty years my senior.
But he was also a few years past his divorce, in which his wife ran out on him and never said why. We dated - long-distance, not exclusively, but seriously - for about a year. Talked on the phone all the time. Flew back and forth for visits.
I broke it off because he was damaged goods. I could handle emotional trauma in that earlier relationship, but I wasn't willing to put up with the strong possibility that The Older Man was never going to get over his wife or his divorce. For me, that was a case of too much baggage.
Posted on August 7, 2007 11:54 AM