News-Record.com

If I were in a relationship and my wife/girlfriend was "having sex with a cartoon" while I was trying to talk with her or while I was bringing her a drink, it would be over.

Online flirting and/or cybersex might not fit the definitions of cheating in the strictest sense, but it would suggest there is a void in the relationship that I'm not filling. And at the risk of being called old-fashioned, I would end the relationship before my partner became truly bored and started up some old-school cheating.

Besides, I'll never live up to some computer-generated image created by my partner, or some online avatar that comes closer to her ideal type than I do.

I'm sorta with the underlying tension brough up in the article - can an online relationship, even though it's all digital, be totally platonic in an emotional sense?

I used to live with a pair of guys who were longtime friends, close, and pretty open with each other. At one point I'd left the house on a weeklong vacation during the summer when all our jobs were light. When I came back I discovered they'd moved into the same room and were together all day and, more notably, all night ...

playing World of Warcraft on side-by-side computers.

It wasn't cybersex, but they had the physical proxy to make their off-putting 24/7 online bond into a very actual real world tie of exclusivity. The other housemates and I felt put out by this, but, we realized as we talked it out, we'd been irritated from their first hours logged online in separate rooms.

Their game was something they had and we didn't, whether they'd consummated their online bond or not.

I feel like anyone would be hurt by someone they care about putting a great deal of time into something they aren't offered a share in - it's painful to be exluded like that, and probably something folks face a lot more in the age of cyberplay.

We all have fantasies.... Even married people. Some do it with porn, some all in their head, and this guy obviously did it with a video game. If you don't have fantasies, then you're lying to yourself. It's the level to which you allow these fantasies to manifest themselves in reality, that is the problem. I'd say the guy is OK, up till the point it presents a problem for his wife. But if his wife is an overbearing bible-beater who is jealous, I'd tell her to get over it. Personally the best advice is rather then get mad... get even.... hey, the Internet is a free place. Why doesn't she sign up for an account on Second Life and do the dirty with someone?

Online chatting or phone sex in my book is cheating as it would progress to more and more and eventually a real meeting and really cheating then!

This is a sticky situation...no pun intended..lol..

But seriously it is. When you take away all the technology you have one person creating a close and personal relationship with someone else that they are not in a relationship with.

To me, that is cheating...or it is enough for me to make a move out of the relationship...

Technology is just like money, never a problem just a tool. The tool can be used for good or bad, don't blame the tool blame the individual and their intentions.

C.

Beth -

One thing that struck me about the Second Life situation is that this guy, though he's not physically involved with the online woman, spends more time with her, in that world, than he does in the real world with his own wife. Maybe it's not cheating, but it sounds like she's pretty irked. Justifiably, in my mind.

Calvin -

So is it all about intentions? And, if so, where do you draw the line?

I think you draw the line when it starts to impact the real-life relationship.
This happened to a friend of mine (no, really, it really is a friend and not me). First her husband was just getting his jollies online as a supplement. Then as the primary source of his - ahem - satisfaction. Eventually, she was in the situation where she practically had to beg for real-life, um, contact. At some point in there he started actually meeting up with his online buddies and now they are getting divorced.
So based on her experience, I say that you draw the line when it starts to become a substitute rather than a supplement.

I think the story is a little sexist. It's no different then the hordes of drunk men who come home and accuse their wives of cheating because they invited a male friend over. Plain and simple it's jealousy. How many women are married and see a man on TV of movies and say "wow, he's hot", or "Sorry Baby, if George Clooney ever asked me out, I'd have to leave you."

Sure we'd play it off as a joke, but we are "honestly" attracted to them. To assume, you get married and shut off your emotions for anyone else is seriously naive.

Sure you say "where do you draw the line", and I guess that's up to your own personal choice, but I think your jumping the gun by assuming just because one role-plays, or fantasizes about another person, he/or/she would break their partners trust and cheat.

Cheating, plane and simple is sticking something of yours in someone else's. Data cables don't count.

The guy was within his reasonable, and guaranteed rights. She needs to buck up, and either join in, or go see a counselor for her jealousy. I'm sure if we could pry his wife's brain open, she's more then guilty of mental-sex with other people then her husband on more then one occasion.

Beth--

What this man is doing to his wife is not the cyber equivalent of a woman inviting a man over for an evening. It's the equivalent of a woman inviting a male friend over every single night -- and ignoring her husband -- while she flirts, chats with, fantasizes about and otherwise enjoys the company of her male companion.

Whether that's "cheating" is hardly the point, really. You don't have to be a cheat to be a lousy spouse. And if you're spending significantly more time with your cyber-wife than your real wife, I'm sorry, you're a damn lousy spouse.

I think I take a harder view of what is or is not cheating or having an affair with someone. Anything that takes away your affections for your partner - be it either the physical or the emotional - is cheating, especially when married.

The example given in the Wall Street Journal article is quite disturbing. Here is a guy who is married, yet goes into the cyber world and does things that are seriously problematic. He is clearly focusing his emotions on something that is taking away from his relationship with his wife. It's the same as if he was looking at porn on the internet, which is a problem as well.

Beth brings up an interesting point.

"Cheating," she says,"... is sticking something of yours in someone else's."

Let's talk about that more. (Preferably without specific anatomical details. Try to keep things somewhat clean here, folks.)

By Beth's definition, then, flirting isn't cheating. I'm cool with that, though I know a lot of people who might disagree.

But what about one kiss? Does that count as cheating? Even if it's meant jokingly - or drunkenly - and doesn't have anything to do with attraction?

Or does your partner have to do something more extreme to have truly cheated?

If you're flirting or kissing someone else, I would argue you've cheated or are in the process of cheating because you've taken two critical aspects of a relation - emotion and physical - and given it to someone else.

Even if you say well, it's just one kiss. When does it become just two kisses? Or just one date? Or just one 'fling'? It may be a "high standard
but we should desire to live to higher standards in our dating and marital lives, I believe.

I tend to agree with Shannon. If it takes away from your relationship in any way, it's cheating. In fact, anything you do with another person that you feel the need to hide from a spouse or gf/bf is cheating, it's that simple. Relationships are about trust, and if my significant other is behaving that way in cyberspace, I can't trust him to not end up that way in real life. And if this guy is doing this and his wife knows about it? She's a doormat, plain and simple, if she's not drawing the line for him.

I've got a problem with my girlfriends online "friends" they give her attention,flirt and they chat with her when ever I'm not around.Granted she says they are miles away and there is no phicical contact it still feals like our relationship is being betrayed by their attention and flirting.Am I being unreasonable,or is ok these days for other guys to give your girl friend this kind of attention.It makes me wonder how far it really goes.