Unintentional roughness
The other day I was talking to a source and I thought -- not for the first time -- "is this guy flirting with me?"
This becomes my post today because that same day, a pal was talking about either admiring or being embarrassed by -- I'm not quite sure which -- an older woman relative of his and her flirting. By older I mean much older. More like Mrs. Robinson's mom than Mrs. Robinson.
Now I'm not saying anything about romance in your second childhood. Someday I'll give up snowboarding and rock climbing but I'm never planning to give up sex and don't expect anybody else to, either.
What I'm talking about is people who don't know they are flirting. And I'm not throwing stones here -- I'm not only president of Inadvertent Flirter club, I'm also a member.
I saw it in myself only by having my behavior described to me in detail by an outspoken friend.
I had been spending a lot of after work time with a client in a past job. I didn't consider our outings "dates;" He worked in sales and I worked in training so we both liked company and we liked each other. We both liked eating at restaurants I couldn't afford and he didn't mind picking up a lot of checks so we had a comfortable thing going.
Then one night he met me out with a group of my friends. Riding the train home, my friend told me: "It's really cruel of you to keep leading him on like that."
I was a shade offended. I had done no such thing.
Then she told me what she had seen me do. I giggled. I crossed and uncrossed my legs and leaned in toward him. What I thought was well-mannered, attentive eye contact looked smoldering to bystanders.
I was an ugly duckling, mind you. Now, it has been beaten into me that I'm attractive -- this was part of that beating.
But when I was forced to reflect on it, I totally saw it. And I felt really bad about it. Still do, a little. I've been led on before. It's a mean thing to do. Now I know better.
But sometimes I still slip. And the thing is, I think my pal's relative and my source are like me and they don't notice that they are flirting. They just think they are being personable.
If this post gets 10 comments today, I'll wash Wingfella's car (but not like this). If it gets 20, I'll wash Ginger's, too.
Have you ever noticed yourself flirting with someone you didn't mean to flirt with? Or has some cold-hearted person done it to you?
Comments (15)
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You'd wash Wingfella's car? Have you actually ever seen that piece of crap?
A lot of times, inadvertent flirting it just a matter of being so comfortable that you're not paying attention to what your body language is saying.
Which, for the flirtee, is real encouraging for romantic undertones. For the flirter, it means that there's a great relationship with no obligation of romantic commitment.
For a guy, that can be really confusing. People can get real jaded real soon after a few rounds of that, and a few women who may simply use a guy for attention/a meal/non-romantic companionship.
It cuts both ways, though I've been strung along in past situations for many months.
Posted on September 13, 2007 9:42 AM
I've been told many times that I can be a shameless flirt. Sometimes it's intentional. But often, I have no idea that I've been "flirting" with a guy. After all, we were just talking ... hanging out ... whatever.
In college, I was friends with an incredibly attractive guy for about three years. At times, he was dating or sleeping with various friends of mine. Often, he was single. This guy knew how hot he was, and he wasn't afraid to use that to manipulate girls. He flirted with me all the time. And even though I knew he'd never follow up in any real, positive way, I couldn't help buying into it.
Posted on September 13, 2007 10:21 AM
How come you have to confirm you're an adult to watch this, but not this ?
Posted on September 13, 2007 10:24 AM
I can confirm that Ginger is a terrible flirt. Particularly when she's been drinking.
Posted on September 13, 2007 10:50 AM
Women get accused of flirting a lot more often than men do, and I think that is unfair a lot of the time. If you're an attractive woman who pays attention to a man, that does not necessarily mean that you're flirting with him. There is a double standard here.
Posted on September 13, 2007 11:07 AM
You know who's easy to flirt with? Babies. Like, infants.
But that's not germane, I suppose. It is true, though, that sometimes you just have a flirtatious dynamic with someone. Usually, when I do, the flirting does lead to a relationship - for me, being able to flirt easily is a sign of underlying attraction, and I almost can't keep myself from flirting; it's just a pattern I fall into.
There have been situations when I've fallen into that pattern, but had good reasons not to pursue a relationship with the flirtee. Maybe that was cruel - I just assumed they could see the problems, too.
Posted on September 13, 2007 11:09 AM
Victim, I don't know what you're talking about. I've found that the more Ginger drinks, the better she gets at flirting.
And Belle, I totally agree with you that women get accused of flirting more -- emphasis on accused, like it's a bad thing. I've found that often, the same behavior in a guy gets called "charm," and I don't think it's fair.
Did you see this Washington Post story on flirting? There seem to be no bounds to how complicated it can be.
Posted on September 13, 2007 11:28 AM
So. Belle, I'm calling bullpoo on that one.
There is a difference -a fine but noticeable line- between being friendly and flirting.
On a slightly different point, after a few turns 'round the block, ignorance loses its merit as a good excuse. Few women (and men, for that matter) are so stupid as to not know when they are flirting or not. And you're right, just because you're hot and talk to a person - not that that's me or anything - doesn't mean that you're flirting.
Attractive people can have conversations, too.
In Ruby's case, it seems that she had a few lessons to learn about herself.
And Lucy - I'm with you on this. Dead on.
Posted on September 13, 2007 11:32 AM
When it comes to calling yourself out on flirting, I think it's an issue of how happy you are with yourself and, in some cases, if you're too happy.
From what I've seen, people who have a pretty high opinion of themselves tend to be quick to admit they're flirting because it's part of the whole self-aware/self-promoting package ...
The line of logic seems to be — I know I'm doing it, but could you help it if you were this irresistible? But this can get out of hand to the point where attractive people can't deliver a line without it being loaded.
Winfella's right — attractive people just talk in between bouts of being really really good-looking. But when you've made a career out of it, there's no way to really tell if it's flirting or not because that real sense of flirting — putting some of yourself out there from time to time to try and get a bite — has become putting yourself on a pedestal to hear how great you are from another pair of lips.
Posted on September 13, 2007 4:13 PM
Hi Wingfella. Yes there is a fine line between being friendly and flirting but I think men are too fast to assume a woman is flirting just because she looks at them or talks to them.
Posted on September 13, 2007 4:16 PM
Yipes, Maj -- I see your point but you come off a little bitter at the end, there.
Who was it for you? Was it Ginger? Had she been hitting the sauce?
Wingfella's and Maj are both hitting really true notes: Ignorance-as-excuse behavior doesn't give you much of a leg to stand on in the dating world. Chances are, if you've been flirting and been flirted with, you aren't still earnest enough not to pick it up after a few go-arounds.
And sometimes it's hard when you hit that dynamic with someone not to take it up a notch to real flirting, but sometimes it should just be obvious when to throw on the brakes. [For real. Linking gives you almost as much cred as reading the Economist.
Posted on September 13, 2007 4:24 PM
Uh oh.
Looks like Wingella's getting a free car wash.
Keep it coming people.
Oh, and for the record, I don't know what y'all are talking about - I would never get sloshed and prey on innocent bystanders.
Posted on September 13, 2007 4:44 PM
Manbear--
You take that back about the Economist.
Posted on September 13, 2007 10:25 PM
I can't really say that i don't mean to flirt. I may do it in a way that makes her wonder if i am or not. and as for washing wingfella's car... I would hand him 7 bucks and run it through the BP car wash. technically you did wash his car.
Posted on September 14, 2007 8:02 AM
That's $7 in my gas tank. Great idea!
Posted on September 17, 2007 11:03 AM