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Today, let's talk about ways to revive a relationship that's gotten routine.

We've all been there. You date someone for a year or so, and you're happy with them. But somehow the spark has just fizzled out of things. Maybe it's not exciting anymore. Maybe you just don't know where the relationship is going; you're in a holding pattern.

Or maybe you're going through a dry spell, where you share a bed with someone most nights, but the only thing you're doing in that bed is sleeping.

I've been in a few relationships where the excitement just fades away after the first few months. The guy might be great, and I might love being with him, but the relationship has become more like a really close friendship than any sort of romance. With some relationships, I've been able to revive things; others just can't be saved.

Have you been in relationships that lost their sizzle? What happened? And what are your suggestions for putting the spice back into a relationship that's gotten a little stale?

This movie coming out, "Why Did I Get Married" has me thinking about that question from the front end: why bother with matrimony?

I was at a party last night with three married couples. My boyfriend and I have been together as long as two of the couples; we live together; we've talked about a permanent future together, but we're not in that big a hurry to make it formal -- not to mention the hubbub and expense of a wedding.

But last week, I was talking to a friend who does want to get married, but isn't sure if her longtime boyfriend is husband material. But she's also not sure why he wouldn't be, so she's sort of in limbo.

Now, I want the ring and the dress and the party, of course. And some aspects of marriage would be convenient, for example we rented a car recently and I had to fill out an entire form myself -- a whole page of initials and signatures -- that I wouldn't have had to if I were his wife.

But pretty much, our life is stable and united. I'm not eager to get the state or the church involved. I'm not anti-marriage, but I don't see what it's going to add to my life or relationship. But so many people see matrimony as the finish line: what all this dating is supposed to be for.

When you go out on a date, are you looking for "the one" right from the beginning? When do you start measuring a date against your internal spouse-o-meter?

So my days of kiss-and-tell are over, friends.

After a few months here at Unbuttoned, I'm moving on to other things and leaving the blog to Ruby and Wingfella. What can I say? I'm totally commitment-phobic.

That's not to say I won't come back on the rebound. In fact, I'm sure I'll be making some return appearances in the comments field, saying something snarky about Ruby's love life or Wingfella's lack of love life ;).

Those of you who regularly e-mail me to share ideas or comment on posts, give Ruby and Wingfella a chance. You can find them on MySpace, friend them on Facebook or reach them the old-fashioned way, by e-mail, at ruby@news-record.com or wingfella@news-record.com.

Some places have the deals, and that's great. More bang for your buck is what most of us want.

Other places, though, have good service. That can be priceless. And then there are spots that are just good to visit.

Monday I was walking around Earth Fare on Battleground, and aside from having lots of good healthy food (it's a great place to eat lunch), there are some quite attractive women going around there. Heck, even the folks there that are my parents’ age look good.

Not that I'm interested in picking anyone up. Grocery stores are like gyms. Everybody is there on business. And at any grocery store, I’m more of a “hungry guy” than “looking for a date guy.” The stomach rules.

But the scenery is nice.

It's truth: if you're eating healthily, that makes you more attractive. I've always loved -and still love- vegetarians. I guess that's what happens at Earth Fare and similar places.

I have my favorite spots around town for different reasons. Natty's has good beer. Some outdoor stores seem more "homey" than others. And I pick my coffee shops based purely on ambiance and an abundance of comfortable seating.

A friend told me recently that he had a buddy that chose his watering holes based on the attractiveness of the staff. That seems like a good idea, but I'm about the service first.

But if you're doing the stuff that you would normally do, why not in a pretty place?

Do you have any locations around town that just seem to have a disproportionate amount of nice-looking folks? Ever made a trip just for the scenery?

Here's an Internet dating story you don't hear every day. A friend of mine took a girl back to his place recently and when it became obvious things were going in the direction you would expect them to go when I start a story like that, the girl said "I have genital warts, but I'm not having a flare-up right now so you'll be OK." Then she went into the bathroom to get ready.

She spent so long in the bathroom that my friend got bored, he said. Where did he go to pass the time? Right to his computer, and www.cdc.gov.

He had (of course) planned on using a condom, but he found out from the CDC's entry on genital warts that they can be transmitted even when there's no visible evidence. And what's more, he didn't think a condom was enough protection from all of the contact that might spread the disease.

When the girl finally emerged from the bathroom, she found a wiser, much less turned-on man and he asked her to leave.

When my friend was telling me this story, I was only thinking of the hilarity of the bathroom door shutting, time passing, and instead of turning on SportsCenter or...uh...whatever it is guys do while a girl is in the bathroom getting ready to get it on, he was looking up genital warts on the CDC web site.

What do guys do while girls are in the bathroom, anyway?

Now -- even though I don't know the precise words he used to dismiss her -- I think he might have been kind of harsh. I sort of thought we lived in a more enlightened age than just booting somebody like a leper if you find out they have a cold sore or whatever. But on the other hand, I also don't think that this was a night of intimacy forged from a deep and abiding affection -- I suspect his casual dismissal matched the tone of their acquaintance.

So is there a right way to throw on the brakes? All us girls get taught that no means no at any time, under any circumstances. But we're not really used to hearing that from guys, once things get to a certain point. I'd bet it was pretty jarring for that girl to hear. Is there a kind way to say, "scram?"

In some cities, there's a culture of young-ish folks that congregate in spots of nightlife starting as early as Wednesday.

With that idea in mind, Unbuttoned did a little research on a crisp fall night in the Gate City.

As we set out, we kept in mind that this is no New York City, and we wouldn't want it to be. Greensboro is fine on its own.

Our findings:

- Each night spot has its own clientele. It's good to know what you're getting into beforehand.

- It doesn't seem that men go to Churchhill's to pick up women. There were lots of guys talking, lots of gals laughing, but most couples seemed to come in together. Clientele: 30-plus. Cigar lovers.

- Half-price wine night is good, but half-price Scotch night would be better.

-The waitstaff at Backstreets is really witty. Then again, they had the time since it wasn't a crazy Friday night. Clientele: The Polo-wearing set, families with drinking-age kids, non-smokers.

- Greensboro seems to be a family town, with pockets of youth around the colleges, and generally goes out on the weekends. Where are the 20-somethings?

- Even in a packed house, it seemed that most people at The Draught House still congregate in cliques. Though the friendship bar appeared to be a good place for conversation. Clientele: Grad students.

- There was one crazy party going on downtown, but you'll have to ask Ruby about that.

This morning, the clique thought stuck with me.

How easy is it to start a random conversation around here? How often does it happen to you? When you go out on the town, do you go in groups and stay in that group, or do you go out and meet others?

Last night, I walked into my house and found my boyfriend taking an IQ test he found on digg. After he was finished, I took it myself. We scored in the same range, but he was six points higher than me. I immediately called for a re-match, but that was mostly just to be argumentative. We're close enough in intellect to get along and that's good enough for me. I don't usually feel like I'm hanging around with a dummy and neither does he.

But that hasn't always been the case. A couple of years back, I dated a guy who was in the habit of giving me backhanded compliments like "That's actually a good idea," and the like.

And I've dated a couple of "America's Most Smartest Model" types -- pretty, but that's pretty much all. I discovered that I can handle a dumb boyfriend -- brains aren't everything -- but I like a smart boyfriend better.

What's your experience with dating up or down the IQ scale? Do you look for brains first, or, like I do, only after everything else seems to be in order?

I saw this on TV this morning. Some evolutionary scientists are saying that women with bigger hips and smaller waists are smarter and have smarter babies.

I didn't make any new measurements to check this today, but based on the last time I did measure myself, my waist-over-hips is about .70. That number is pretty high, I guess, which equates to less smart. Like I really need another reason to be down on my 11-year-old boy body.

So I guess this is another reason men prefer curvier women. What do you think, folks?

Unless you're watching "Beauty and the Geek."

Last night I tuned in after contemplating Ruby's last coupla posts on intelligence.

The beauties are supposed to be dumb, or act dumb, or something. Out here in the non-reality show world, that "something" can be painfully obvious.

I've seen it and experienced it: the IQ drop of women when they are attracted to a guy, a.k.a., "the dumb act."

In the arsenal of weapons women use to pick up someone, this must be the most ridiculous.

Brains are sexy, and that's not the only thing that can be sexy, as we all know. But as far as earning respect -which a lot of people seem unnaturally obsessed with anyway- acting dumb is a sure way to start from behind. The act may just be a sure sign of general stupidity overall.

The dumb act is even less respect-worthy than going home with someone on the first night (not that going back to someone's place is automatically disrespectable - something we've discussed at length before).

And fellas, we're not insulated from taking on the dumb act. It happens about every other time we see someone who's hot to trot.

A girl I knew in a few years back became the biggest moron whenever her crush came around. And then to hear her say that she planned to be a doctor made it worse. For the record, I think she is wrapping up her pre-med program, and hopefully dropped the dumb act. Another notoriously dumb-acting friend of mine just graduated UNC law school, and finally has some sense.

So, have you seen/played/witnessed/fallen victim to the dumb act? Did it work?

In keeping with our brainy week, Maureen Dowd wrote this in the NYTimes. Maybe she heard about us.

Basically, she says, if you're smart and you're a woman, forget about love. Because some research says that men are into smart women, but not the ones who are smarter then they are. And they're into ambitious women, but not ones who want more success than the guys.

Yet Christine Whelan says this at huffingtonpost.com: Dowd is full of it. Whelan supports this with a survey saying that more women with college degrees will get married than those without.

Let me clear the air here.

To get entry to club Wingfella (yes, I just wrote that), you got to have some smarts, ladies. And most of my intelligent friends agree.

Most of us prefer to have a woman with ambition and brains. That only means that the relationship will be full of interesting things that she brings from following her curiosity and her goals. Also, if she's pursuing those dreams, that should be a source of contentment that will also build into the relationship. A happy, driven person in their work or individual life will naturally make for a happy relationship.

That beats the heck out of the 1950s-era image of a housewife patiently awaiting her hubby's arrival at the end of a rough work day. And it's way better for guys than trying to keep yourself and your woman entertained. We live in a world where both members in a couple bring home the bacon in most relationships, and each has to work at it.

Really. Everyone knows that money = happiness (or something like that). So to follow the ideal way, both ought to work, do well, be ambitious and live happily ever after.

I want to hear from you on this. Fellas - does a brainy chic intimidate you or does that get you going? Ladies - ever sold yourself short to get a guy? Was it worth it? Both - what do you think of the successful guy or gal that you're going after?

Casting about online for some more discussion on smarts in relationships, I ran across this at dumpyourwifenow.com, 10 reasons smart men don't marry.

The top three:

-Smart Men have figured out how to get sex without committing to marriage.
-Smart men are now enjoying the benefits of having all the amenities a woman can bring to the table without having to sign their life away forever.
-These savvy smart men have wised up to the "woman of today".

Today's society does make it easier for both men and women to find the physical and intellectual gratification without the burden or responsibility/accountability that a relationship needs.

Since the dawn of time, the hunter-seeker in men has tried to find some way to have it all. As it pertains to women, dumpyourwife says, a smart man these days has a way to get some lovin' and whatever else he wants without the commitment of marriage.

Do we really have it all now? Nah. But I wonder, are we headed in that direction? Is a guy now more able to get what he wants from women and relationships more easily than our parents' generation did?

The book is firmly closed on guys hitting girls. No sane person says that is acceptable. But how about the other way around?

This article in Marie Claire talks about just that.

I've known guys who brag about how their girlfriends whale on them -- I guess suggesting they are as passionate in bed as they are in a scrap. But the Marie Claire writer seems to say it's more a mark of a girl being out of control and scary.

I don't really expect much controversy here -- Except from Scarlett and Rhett to Mr. and Mrs. Smith, chicks hitting dudes seems hot. What gives? There was even that song in a Disney cartoon that said "A bear likes to say it with a slap."

So guys, of course I'd like to hear what you think of this. The Marie Claire writer is a guy, but I don't particularly think that makes him the authority on the subject.

And girls, do they deserve it? I noticed when I had laryngitis recently, it turned me mean. When I couldn't just say my boyfriend's name to get his attention, I would poke him or smack his arm and the longer I stayed sick, the madder I got. It got me thinking about hysterical, voiceless 19th century women. I know this sort of sounds like the stereotype abuser, but really, are there times when that's the only way to send the message you need to get across?

I love the look: simple t-shirts and jeans. No problem there. And every now and then, when she gets all fixed up, you really appreciate it more.

Slate's Dear Prudence goes into this a bit, about a writer who's worried that his gal is too tomboy.

It's a fuzzy line between t-shirts/jeans and losing all femininity. Some jeans out there are downright girly. Anymore, jeans also seem more engineered for girls than boys.

Prudence suggests the writer to lose his gal -they've dated for six months- if he thinks she's too tomboyish. She said it might be too early in the relationship to try to change her ways.

It's well-known that women are responsible for updating a new boyfriend's wardrobe. Some women I know have said that they don't worry too much about a guy's appearance and clothes early on because "That's easy to fix."
But apparently it doesn't work the other way.

I'd probably work on getting a girl out of the jeans and into dresses by using gift cards to specific stores. Or not wearing jeans myself.

Never have I lost someone because she's too tomboyish, but I'm sure someone out there has. It extends to other looks too -goth, prep, faded rock star, and so on.

Have you dropped someone because of their look? Been dumped because of yours? Ever tried to change a significant others' look? How did that go?

Over the weekend I was talking to a friend who is a high school teacher. She's single, and her female students seem to love giving her dating advice. When she told me about one of her students' suggestions over the weekend, I couldn't resist countering with my own best strategy for getting a man's attention.

Can you tell which is my suggestion and which was provided by a 16-year-old girl to her teacher? That's a 16-year-old girl at a boarding school in Wisconsin, in case that helps.

A) Part one: Go to a bar and order a martini -- no other drinks are acceptable: no gin and tonics, no beers. Part two: You have to eat the olive first. If you just drink the drink first, what you're saying is "I'd like to get smashed off lots of vodka." If you eat the olive, you're saying "I'm here for something else." If you don't eat the olive, "you are saving a little sumthin sumthin for later." Your martini-drinking behavior will be a clear signal to men, and they will respond.

B) Play catch with a football. If a guy sees you throw a really tight spiral, he's putty in your hands.

So one of those pieces of advice comes from yours truly and one comes from a high school girl. Which is which?

My name is Betty and I'm single.

The first step to recovery is admitting it, right?

In all seriousness, I enjoy being single, most of the time, even though family and some friends act like it's a problem deserving of a 12-step program. I'm open to relationships, but as an early-20s recent grad, I'm not too eager to settle down. I like men who are funny – and not with the Frat Pack sense of humor of a Vince Vaughn or Ben Stiller movie. I'm talking about being clever. Men like that don't grow on trees.

I've been single for a long time, and I like to blame the guys for being noncommittal. But with a little reflection, I know that I'm a little noncommittal too. In high-school I bailed on a Valentine's Day date because they guy gave me a very sweet, hand-illustrated card in front of my Psych class. I freaked and that was the end of that.

Supposedly once you find the one, you just know, and all of the baggage and weirdness falls away. I doubt that, and that’s where my cynical attitude on a lot of things comes into play. I'm smart enough to know that a successful relationship, let alone a successful marriage, takes a LOT of work. So why should falling in love, or even going on a first date, be so easy that you just know?

What do you guys think? If you're looking for the ONE, should it be obvious that you've found him/her? Have you gotten through a period of uncertainty about an individual to discover your soulmate?

I'm looking forward to sharing my dating disasters (and hopefully a few successes) here with all of you. Feel free to send me your thoughts at Betty@news-record.com.

Comment away!

I've worn ballcaps indoors. Sue me.
And I've failed to open the door for her, but only because she said I didn't have to. Not that I minded, either way.

But I've also been blamed for being a southern gentleman before, so I guess it evens out.

For those who have wondered about the punishments for such crimes, Verena von Pfetten has 'em laid out here.

Some of the standards go both ways, but this one got me:

Crime: Re-adjusting.

Punishment: Strict training. Think Pavlov's dog. Except the opposite. Just think dogs in general. They (both men and dogs) respond quite well to negative reinforcement. See aforementioned stiff elbow to the solar plexus. Repeat as needed.

Go to the bathroom for that one, guys. Or find a way to move the furniture without being obvious.

Most of the crimes she lists are those committed in public, and many rules are a bit grey anymore. My test to questions of gentlemanliness is a question: Would you do it in front of your mother?

Rudeness can go anywhere and extend far, though. Let's hear it.

Have you forgotten to hold the door? Made the elderly stand? Worn a hat inside? Or have you seen the offenses? Did you take action? Get dumped?

Standing at her door, we were about to say good-bye after the second date.
I guess it was a date. At that point, I wasn't too sure. It was fun -dinner and a little chatting afterward.
Then it was time to go.
We did the awkward standing around the door thing while I put on my shoes.
Then the awkward open the door thing to leave.
And then the moment.
When you lock eyes.
And your mind goes completely blank.
So you go on auto-pilot. The brain says "I've done this before, you just lean in, and *smack*, and that's it."
Nope.
It was like a first spin-the-bottle smooch.
And then I learned that she was going for a peck on the cheek.
Geez?!

How was I to know? And why is it, that even though I've done that a million times (or at least a couple) that first awkward moment is always so freakin' hard? Does it ever get easier? What have you done in that split-second when it's time to go for the lip or turn the cheek?

Yep, I used that one, in high school, trying to impress a super-cute senior. I described a sort-of-feminine characteristic as ephemeral. And then felt deep shame for making the mistake. I know the guy remembers who I am, he came up to me five years later and started chatting with me at a coffee shop. And thus I learned a good haircut and some makeup will erase almost all past awkwardness.

But I'm not as forgiving as that guy. I'm on Prudence's side in this one. When a later boyfriend not only made the mistake, but argued with me about it, I pretty much knew there wasn't going to be much return on investing any more time with him. He defended to a really ridiculous end his idea that a moniker was a small amount of something.

I can't decide if I'm more embarrassed that I didn't get some earlier clue that he was more interested in having his rightness acknowledged than in actually being right; or that I revealed my less gracious nature by arguing right back about it: I made him look at the definition in the dictionary before I was satisfied.

Either way, a malapropism is like most mistakes in that it's not the mistake, but the recovery, on which we make our judgments.

If that boyfriend had just said "whoops," I wouldn't have the story to tell, would I?

Has a date royally screwed something up, but recovered to win you back? Or the other way: made a trivial mistake, but then so utterly flubbed the recovery that they had to hand over their key to the mansion?